Remember when we told you Jake Watch was ending? And remember how we said, "The 'why?' of it all is very complicated, but perhaps to your surprise, one reason directly involves our biggest undertaking ever...and yes, it is directly related to Jake and Jake Watch."
And then remember how we said, "Who knows? We might be back."
"Quote Of The Week" (April 3, 2006) - 29 minutes after the first post, the Quote of the Week is born.
"Blatant Stalking #1" (April 3, 2006) - 1 hour after the first Quote of the Week, the Blatant Stalking Files are opened. Along with it comes the first posted picture of Jake. "Sock Watch" (April 3, 2006) - 15 minutes after "Blatant Stalking #1," the cult favorite of Jake Watch is unveiled. (britpopbaby was very busy that first day.)
[No Corresponding Post] (June 14, 2006) - Jake Watch launches its first message board, now affectionately known as The Old Forum. "The Awesomeness Of Anneka" (June 15, 2006) - Anneka blogs the MTV Movie Awards.
"In Fromage" (January 13, 2006) - BPB and PG compose a rap in honor of Jake's impending "Saturday Night Live" appearance. "The As-It-Happens SNL Recap" (January 14, 2007) - Complete with ratings and more rapping! Two weeks later, the blog would be revamped SNL-style.
[No Corresponding Post] (January 15, 2007) - The new Jake Watch Forum opens for business and the old one becomes obsolete.
"Fuck That Shit" (September 22, 2007) - The last of many, many times we pissed people off a really, really lot.
"Interview Interview!" (September 26, 2007) - Controversy squelched, we get to the heart of the matter. "Emergency Post On Account Of Us Being Right" (September 29, 2007) - Our (fake) report that Jake was releasing an album of acoustic Civil War songs showed on no fewer than 9 gossip sites in at least 2 different languages and became the talk of the internet.
It brings me great sadness to draw a line under this legendary, nay, heroic blog feature. And as I push this small vessel of devotion, truth and odd obsession out into the oceans of web mythology, it saddens me even more to say JAKE JUST DIDN'T PLAY BALL 90% OF THE FREAKIN' TIME. Is it too much to ask to see a man's socks every once in a while? I mean, what do we get today?
NO SOCK. Well, you know what? Fuck it. I'm not above manipulating a situation to meet my own personal goals.
"That is how I see myself most of the time. A Crest toothpaste with bad eyesight."
- Jake "I Really Do Say Some Crazy Shit" Gyllenhaal source
To put this quote in context, it was preceded by the following:
"I don't think of myself as good-looking," [Jake] admits. "Not at all. When I was a kid I had these huge glasses. I once went to a fancy dress as a Crest toothpaste tube with these huge glasses stuck on."
I can totally see the resemblance. And hey, Happy Halloween Gyllenween, Jake Watch! Casper the Friendly Jake thought he'd float in from the graveyard of dead ideas from last year and extend his wishes, too. Flashback.
Tragically, though not unexpectedly, Jake Gyllenhaal has spent the past several days on a path of self-destruction, reeling from the news that Jake Watch will soon stop updating.
Let's take a look at the timeline.
Friday*: Jake is seen publicly for the first time since the announcement. Clearly still in shock, he walks around wearing half of an all-black mourning ensemble. Saturday: Distracted by his grief, Jake commits the costume tragedy captured in the previous post. No doubt his mask is to hide his tears. Sunday: Having not changed pants in three days, Jake drowns his sorrows in an all-night bender with Danny Bonaduce. Monday: As Jake takes a day to mourn privately, the following is reported by Variety, "...'Nailed,' directed by David O. Russell and starring Jake Gyllenhaal and Jessica Biel..."
"Nailed." With Jessica Biel. What stage of grief is that?
Aw, poor Jake. We always forget what an emotional effect we have on him. I can't leave you seeing him like this. So I'll leave you seeing him like this:
And we'll see what tomorrow brings. Never a dull moment...
Thanks to heddaparsons for the Biel bit. * Note that the dates are roughly as accurate as my description of the pictures and my identification of Danny Bonaduce.
I went to a Halloween party dressed as Jake this year...okay, when I say 'Jake', I really mean a 'battery-powered house that visually impaired me for the night'. I was going to go as a tube of Crest toothpaste but alas, time was against me.
But we're not here to talk about me! What did Jake dress up as for that time of the year where the veil of existence between the living and the dead is at it's thinest?
I don't get it....oh, wait...I think I do! Is this what happens when a gondolier and a Canadian mountie mate?
I'm thinking his dad didn't help him out this year.
Now look, I know you're all talking about it down dark alleys and in disused warehouses but I really could not let another moment pass without addressing it here. I know, I know! We said we wouldn't and we like to respect Jake's privacy and all that jazz, but when these things are staring you in the face, what can you do? If our parting gift can be to hold up the mirror of truth to the faces of denial and perhaps clear the air, then, by god, let me take that bullet.