Wednesday, April 11, 2007

HOLY GOOSE-GOG-EYES!

Good eve, dearhearts, it is I again. The rapturous Madame Swiss, battleaxe of hearsay and amateur horticulturist. I return to provide with you insight into some most frightful turn of events. I was flicking through the pages of my electric gossip finder, in search of the latest happenings of Firecrotch and associates when I stumbled upon THIS ever so alarming piece of mere talk about my darling Jacob Benjy Gyllenhaal.

What to think! What to do! I quickly deemed it all tosh of the highest order. Can a gentleman not partake in another gentleman's company without some ludicrous tittle tackle being spread around like Firecrotch? Surely they were just enjoying a game of whist and perhaps a shot of Wild Turkey? Dear, jove, what's the deep south coming to?

Later on that day, I was clipping my mulberry bush when my good friend Edgar DeMountford stuck his head over my palisades and asked how my comings and goings had been. When I told him the news he chuckled at length before remarking that young Jacob was such a green boy with a touch of The Swedish Sphinx about him. 'Yes,' I replied, not really understanding but then I thought how Edgar was the perfect example of my aforementioned point. Edgar has lived with his good friend Antonio for 27 years and they're just as good pals now as they were when they first met on the ice dancing circuit back in Hayes Jenkins heydays. They even share a bed to shave money since Edgar had to sell his salon to pay for his mother's hip replacement.

Really? First that Witherspoon harlot and now this. Jacob is single. End of story!

22 comments:

cina said...

Madame Swiss - it has been waaay too long!! :D

The Swedish Sphinx?! WTF?? LOL

Anonymous said...

Swedish Sphinx = Greta Garbo, I had to look that one up. But the shot of Wild Turkey reference required no googling, lol.

cina said...

Oh.... shame on me. I should know, being Swedish and all. *hides in corner* LOL

Dumbo said...

Ha! Too good: "battleaxe of hearsay and amateur horticulturist" "clipping my mulberry bush" LMAO!!!

ALthough I too am a bit confused on the line "such a green boy with a touch of The Swedish Sphinx about him," but get the drift of it.

heddaparsons said...

Madame Swiss, welcome back! And look what has been going on in while you were MIA, Swedish Shinx, LOL!!

Nothing Really Matters said...

Oh Darling it is good to see a fellow pussy out and about again! I almost thought you had given in to our dear lord! We really should do afternoon tea dear!

Id I’d known about this here mulberry bush I could have been soon help! I think I have a bush that needs a little clip!

What has the dear boy been doing this time??

phoebe said...

Don't feel too bad, cina sweetie, it was a WTF-moment for me too! *hides in corner with cina*

Madame Swiss, it's a delight to have you back!

I'm right there with you, dumbo! clipping my mulberry bush

LMAO!!

call me cherita said...

Madame Swiss, while I agree with your assessment that the whole thing is just piffle, would it be too perversely Ennis of me to confess that I'd be far less jealous over Austin than I would Reese?

MadameSwiss said...

Pussy, yes, we must do tea and crumpets soon, my sweet.

My dear, cherita, there is no need to be jealous of either as we all know Jacob is a simple boy who just likes to collect sneakers and take Pumpkin latte on the veranda.

call me cherita said...

^^^LOL! Of course, I know you're right, noble Madame.

BTW--"Goose-Gog-Eyes"?! Is this a regional idiom or an original utterance? It had me shaking my head so that I couldn't read your post for several head-scratching seconds!

www.Ponekeys.com said...

Ah yes, love The Jake!

Harold Baskins
www.Ponekeys.com

Anonymous said...

Well if this isn't PROOF than I don't know what is. He's NOT involved with Reese, he's involved with AUSTIN :D

here is the proof!

cina said...

Straight rumors or gay rumors - to me nothing is "proved" until there's an official statement from the couple themselves or their representatives. And that goes for anyone - not just Jake. Gossiping is just SOOOO tiresome and POINTLESS, and so is speculating.

Anonymous said...

If anyone is interested in knowing more about Austin, here are two links:

TV interview:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kavy0a8FORo

austinmedia:

http://community.livejournal.com/austinmedia/

Anonymous said...

If these Jake/Reese rumors are for Rendition PR, I find it odd that thye would start seven months before the movie opens. And I find it hard to believe that people are going to line up to see a political drama because they think the two stars are dating. Weird.

Anonymous said...

I don't think the Jake/Reese rumors are "about" anything. I certainly don't think they are bcz of Rendition. A film they "hope" to open in November,07, and in which Reese and Jake have no scenes together, or hardly any. Her scenes are with Peter. I think the tabloids decided to create something based on the fact that, "Hey, she and her husband JUST broke up, and she's starting a film with JG!" As for the Austin rumors,Jake ALLEGEDLY visited the set where the guy is working in an ongoing series. All this nonsense the two men stayed inside the trailer all day, Austin only leaving to get food is also nonsense. Was someone camped outside that trailer all day to actually verify that? Was Jake actually there? We've had fake Jake/Austin and fake Jake/Somegirl sightings before. I'd wait and see. I mean, Jake eats dinner at my house four times a week and no one has ever picked up on it yet...except for the cat, who's become friends with Atticus!

Anonymous said...

Yeah, I take any "sightings" with a grain of salt. What I find odd with these rumors are the silence, if they are false I expected at least Reese to say something, her divorce won't be final until next month I read. She sued Star magazine last year when they ran that false pregnancy story and she banned cell phone cameras on the set of Rendition back in Nov. supposedly to stop "rumors", even though they barely have any scenes together (although i read that they had to do some re-shoots and they appear in a bit more now).

And now with dualing US/People covers, it's gotten out of hand.If pics surface of them together, then that's another story.

Anonymous said...

In Touch Magazine also has J&R on the cover.

Prophecy Girl said...

Rumors are rumors are rumors.

theshowerlady said...

The only "official" statements I recall, are Jake's people a while ago, saying Jake and Austin were "just friends," that they were "not a couple."
You're right about Reese. She WILL sue! I thought she would come out with guns blazing after the tabloids said she met Jake in NYC! But she hasn't said pooh! Jake promised to come over this weekend to work on my risotto with me...I get really scared to make it if I'm alone...so I will just ask him. I will pin him down and ask him!

Anonymous said...

Austin and Jake would make a cute couple. Somehow, I'd rather be jealous of him than Reese.

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