Thursday, February 08, 2007

WORRYING TIMES

As britpopbaby and Prophecy Girl remain AWOL or MIA, depending on how you feel, an alarming spate of 'Jake Fakes' have surfaced to wreak mild havoc on online Jakedom. If there is one thing Jake Watch will not stand for it is dopplegangers...and Paris Hilton...and camel racing. Today I bring you the horrific news that Uncle Jack Nasty has once again reared his fake lame fake retarded head but this time it's WORSE!

He brought photoshopped picture* evidence with him (or her)!
Can I remind you, 'Nobody Wants You Like I Do' nee 'Uncle Jack Nasty' nee 'I'm Jake Gyllenhaal, no honestly, I totally have a MySpace!', that you suck the big one and we hope you get herpes. Let's take a little look at how Fake Jake chooses to represent Real Jake to the MySpace viewing public...

Well,well,well (well?) . Hello there all you lovely people. The name's (Fake) Jake, I'm a 26 year old bachelor (you not heard the rumors?) living in the great state of Cal-I-Forn-I-A. When work calls (or family) I head east to New York. Very cool places, both of them. You see interesting things and even better, interesting people (hotdog vendors, tramps, Paris Hilton...oh wait...). I love my job (Professional nutbag?). It brings home the bacon (DUDE! TOO SOON!) . Speaking of bacon, I love to cook it (I love to cook anything) and eat it =). I have flaws, but don't we all (speak for yourself)? To name a few,you could say I'm clumsy and I can get too goofy at times when I'm suppose to be serious (like at funerals?). But hey, laughter equals a happy person and who doesn't like a happy person? My sister, Maggie (Thanks, because we didn't know her name), gave birth a little while back to a beautiful baby girl who got the name Ramona. I love being an Uncle. It's fantastic! I can't wait to have children of my own someday (Reel them fishes in, big daddy) . I've got two cool dogs (you used to, what happened to them?) named Atticus Finch and Boo Radley who are looking for love,so,if you got a lady pup,send her their way ;-) (pimping your dogs on MySpace?) . Well, you good people you, I must be getting through now. Don't want to bore anyone to sleep. Feel free to hit me up with a message now and then (Oh, we will). I'd love to speak with you guys. Later. (Loser.)

Jake does not deserve such misrepresentation which makes him sound lame. For more fun please visit Original Fake Jake HERE.

Which brings us on to Fake Jake #2 who may possibly be the same person as Original Fake Jake. If you get an email from jakebenjamingyllenhaal@yahoo.co.uk then er, it's not Jake for obvious reasons. According to the bloke who does a shit job of running www.jakegyllenhaal.com, 'Jake does not play online, apart from dog dating sites'. Okay, that quote was only partly true.

But what does Jake do when he's not being poorly impersonated by people who shouldn't be allowed to use the internet unsupervised? Award season, baby!
In other news Jake will be at the BAFTAS** which airs on Sunday for people who live in the Isles of Britannia. Unfortunately it will be hosted by Jonathan Ross who will probably make jokes of a disrespectful nature and then laugh at himself and then go home and rub his body all over with £50 notes because the BBC pay him too much. So Jake, was this 'I'm spending the rest of my life in Morocco' thing a gag or what?

*devil horns added by Jake Watch.
**Jake will not be winning a BAFTA this year, unless they introduce that 'Best Jake Gyllenhaal in a Jake Gyllenhaal Film' catergory we've been campaigning for.

21 comments:

Anonymous said...

That Jack Nasty guy is not cool at all. :/

Btw, apparently the E! channel (in the US) is doing a live from the Red Carpet at the Baftas on Sunday from 4pm to 7pm before the show airs on BBCAmerica. Last year it was hosted by Ruby Wax (a tv personality in the UK, although she is American) and she asked some silly questions to Jake. Don't know if she is hosting again?

cina said...

You have GOT to be fucking kidding me!?! That person is seriously demented!!

Oh who can forget Ruby Wax asking Jake if he'd piss on her leg if she was stung by a jellyfish? Gentleman as he is - he said he would. LOL! :p

Number Six said...

Ruby Wax is doing it for E! again, along with John Barrowman off Dr Who! :D

ncwoman said...

Ah geez, here we go again.

When will this lame idiot gonna give it up? I mean anyone with half a brain can read this jerk's bio and info about himself and tell he's not Jake.

Well, JW brought him down before, guess we'll just have to take him down again.

KayDee said...

Feel free to hit me

s/he's just asking for it...

claire said...

OMG!!!!!111 Jake in London on Sunday! That's just tooo near!!

Anonymous said...

I bet he gets there on Saturday so he can partay!!!!! I would SO be hangin' out in London this weekend if I wasn't across the pond and too broke to travel!

smurfette said...

ooh, i hope the baftas show up on youtube or ihj, since i don't get bbcamerica! and that myspace? one word- LAME!

and i didn't get to comment earlier but are you f-ing kidding me? jake + conan? *dies*

somebody really loves me :)

veeveevee said...

I've got comcast cable, and so I actually have the BBC and will be able to see the Baftas here in the US.

It's tape delayed, but if it's not up on YouTube by the time I see it, I'll do my Agently best!

Bobbie said...

"Nobody_wants_U_like_I_do?" *vomit* That is so ridiculously lame. I've myspace friended the occasional faux celebrity before but making Jake look like a fratboy tool? Not acceptable.

Jake and Conan together makes me happy but I'm still waiting for that Daily show interview!

S4M985 said...

oh thats rediculous, will this person ever give up. And he/she already has 416 friends, oh my. Thanks number 6 for getting right onto this, whats the mission plan guys, how do we bring this one down too?!

p.s. blogger used to remember my username and password, then something changed. How do i get that back to the old way cause im lazy?

agenth said...

setting tivo now for redcarpet adn baftas! My husband says..what the hell are the BAFTA's..I tried to explain and got his glazed over, I'm not listening look...said..oh fuck who cares..Jake will be there!
Ooooohhhh he says..

ohhh yeah is right!

H

Anonymous said...

It seems like the BAFTAS were repeated on Bravo or something after they were shown on BBCA. Or am I getting them mixed up with some other awards show??? I'm just SO glad all that chanting paid off:"BAFTA...BAFTA...BAFTA..."
London will be awash with celebrities, stage, screen...and Ruvy Wax....Did Reese win last year and so she will be presenting? And Thandie Newton and Rachel Weisz, and Philip Seymour Hoffman. Ang will be there I guess??? I just have to check the roster of last year's winners.

heddaparsons said...

I have to confess that I "friended" this fake Jake only because I thought that this one was the most amusing. I had no idea what a creepy crawlerhe/she was and I can't believe he/she has over 400 "friends! Sigh. On a brighter note, I cant' wait until Sunday and the Baftas!!

Linna said...

'Best Jake Gyllenhaal in a Jake Gyllenhaal Film'

That should TOTALLY be a category!! Why won't they listen to us?

AgentLola said...

Grrr.....fake Jake(s) really piss me off. Think of all his fans that really believe it is him. Who knows what he is saying to them in PMs? That is what really bothers me. It's just wrong, and that jackass needs to get a life. Maybe I'm overreacting, I dunno. But like ncwoman said, JW brought him down once....

Number Six said...

And we SO did bring him down. We got an email from MySpace saying thanks, we love you for doing our job for us and everything.

Anonymous said...

Yeh I got stung by this cock as well. With me, it was a guy pretending to be a girl. I could tell early on because things IT was saying just weren't adding up. One example is, when I asked, 'do you have kids?' the person would reply, 'none that I know of' (???- WTF?), that is such a GUY thing to say.

And during the conversation shim kept saying, 'maybe Im Jake...' (lol)... I knew I wasn't dealing with full quid here, so I just deleted the cock-sucker off myspace - and his little friend. Its such a shame really, because it killed my trust in the positive side of human nature when innocents like us have to deal with the predatory aspects of some sub-human forms. To him, I say: You may as well have raped me, fuck-head! At least I would have had the pleasure to kick u in the balls first.

Anyway, I saved some of my conversations with the cretin; he should have difficulty sleeping at night.

phoebe said...

That should TOTALLY be a category!! Why won't they listen to us?

I don't know, linna! It's getting ridiculous, really! *sigh*

And fake Jake.. Please. How embarrassing can you get?! It's pathetic.

FoxyDude said...

Just saw Jake arrive at the BAFTAS in London, did not look like he was in a good mood, was kind of short with the Sky News guy. Said that he did not know or care which category he was presenting, and was real tired. He is nice and brown from Morocco, and mentioned he is there filming Rendition. But it was not the type of good humoured Jake we know...Maybe he will get in the mood later....

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