Monday, July 24, 2006

SLOW NEWS DAY?

Aw, hell no! There's never a slow news day when the Gyllenhaal is afoot. Thanks to the clicking power of Jake Watchers everywhere and our comrades at IHJ, we showed that bitch McConaughey what "sexy" is all about! That's right, after a dismal initial showing in the In Touch Weekly lame-ass poll of the week, Jake Gyllenhaal has pulled ahead to his rightful place as the SEXIEST PERSON WHO EVER LIVED! (Or at least sexier than Matthew McConaughey and Lance Armstrong.) Way to go, agents!

So today, I would like to explore the possibility that Jake, perhaps, has certain powers and abilities far beyond those of mortal men. Yes, I'm talking about:

Jake Gyllenhaal: The Multitasker!
I ran across this amazing series of pictures at IHJ and was shocked, nay, astounded at what I saw.

January 30, 2005. We start off casually enough. Jake, in the standard grey hoodie/dark glasses combo, carries not one but two bags of groceries. No small feat, but no act of God (yet).

What...is that a bottle of Snapple in his hand? Both bags go up (let's take a moment to reflect on the Gyllenhaal biceps, shall we...and we're good) and the tongue is out!

Then things start to move really quickly. The tongue goes in, the bags are switching from two hands to one hand, the Snapple bottle is seemingly gone but in reality hidden behind a flurry of hand/bag movement....my God, will he pull this off?

Amazing! Somehow he has secured both bags in a single hand while the Snapple bottle now has a hand and an upper arm all to itself! And nothing was dropped! There you have it, folks. Proof that Jake is no ordinary man!

(Ten bucks says McConaughey would have had Snapple all over the parking lot.)

42 comments:

Anonymous said...

Prophacy girl, can we keep you? You're hysterical!

Anonymous said...

McConaughey can't hold a candle to Jake in my opinion! ;-)

Bruinsmama said...

we are sick, sick people!
But God I adore him.

The Bearded Lady said...

McConaughey wouldn't be drinking Snapple!...

Have you seen the pics of him balancing everything as he is here,except he has his cell phone wedged between his shoulder and ear?..."walks and talks"...

moonbeams said...

Seeing him like that...all hooded and struggling with his grocery bags and his Snapple, sticking his tongue out, concentrating...I just want to hug him!!! At least we could start with hugs....

Anonymous said...

Wow! It' some sort of magical illusion isn't it? Holding 2 grocery bags all the while holding onto a bottle of Snapple!?!? The man can do no wrong.

Kendra said...

Proof of bad taste in women of Matthew M: he dated Penelope Cruz, the same annoying Spanish actress who dated Tom Cruise before. Jake has far better taste in women, if only he met me someday ;)

bookgirltx said...

If they ever have an Olympic category for "Appearing in public places while carrying your food in a paper bag AND juggling a beverage on the side", then our boy Jake would win the Gold medal every time!!! God knows, he get plenty of practice.

holly said...

Not everyone can pull off the Unibomber look. However, I do believe on Jake it works!

dani said...

Aside from the obvious feelings that Jake brings out in all of us. like moonbeams said, there is also something about him that makes you just want to hug him.... And protect him. Defend him. And make sure he is not slighted in anyway - as with that stupid In Touch magazine poll. Well, we certainly took care of that!

Smurfeyshmoo said...

If they ever have an Olympic category for "Appearing in public places while carrying your food in a paper bag AND juggling a beverage on the side", then our boy Jake would win the Gold medal every time!!! God knows, he get plenty of practice.

I think you should talk to the Olympics people. Tell them we want Jake to win a medal and we want it NOW. They should know not to mess with Gyllenhaalics. I think McConaugly learned that today, wouldn't you agree?

cina said...

I'd say Jake is showing off some amazing skills there, yes - for a man. ;-)

Anonymous said...

Under that grey hoody lurks the Jake's Jarhead body. The pictures were taken around Jan. 05 and I thank he was either filming or starting to film Jarhead. He was very muscular at the time so handling two shopping bags is no problem when you've been lifting weights. I didn't care for the Jarhead haircut very much but that body was to die for.

gin said...

His feet are cut off in the pictures but he was also walking on water at the time. ;)

Nothing Really Matters said...

PG you would be very rich now my friend!

Anonymous said...

LOL.

Just LOL.

JoyceDavenport said...

Ten bucks says McConaughey would have had Snapple all over the parking lot.

...and both bags of groceries and he would have had to get about four assistants to clean up the mess. Jake we're somehow not feeling the love for your friend Matthew over here.

Latest score 55/42 - they should have poll voting instead of pole vaulting as an Olympic sport - the Gyllenhaalics would win gold every time!.

SquallCloud said...

Jake was so self concious about his dome when he was filming Jarhead. He's so precious. I love his insatiable need for yummy raspberry tea. I get like that too Jakey!

Agnes said...

Yep that's our man he can't do no wrong ;)

@gin LOL

smurfette said...

lol gin! very moonlight mile :)

hey PG, submission for sock watch--check out the black socks + slippers combo in this series!

http://www.iheartjakemedia.com/displayimage.php?album=165&pos=0

zoo said...

Hahaha I love it. This is one of the many many reasons I couldn't be a celeb - imagine performing such complicated manoeuvres while knowing there's 10 paps taking a pic a second. I would definitely have Snapple all over the carpark floor.

Linna said...

Devine, that's all there is to it, devine!!

JoyceDavenport said...

Update :
58/39.

Prophecy Girl said...

Oooh, Smurfette, nicely done! We'll have to crop out his dining partner so as not to start a war. Where is my mind this morning? I was trying to save that as "sock watch" and I typed "cock watch." Bad, PG!!

phoebe said...

^^Heee, PG, talk about Freudian slip!

And as for the OP: brilliant PG, just brilliant! MAN you're good. LMFAO!!

J said...

Bet McConaughey sees this and runs snivelling home to his mother:

"Mummy, Mummy, that Jake Gyllenwhatsit can stick out his tongue AND rub his tummy at the same time! I can't even pronounce his name without having to go for a lie-down. I'll never get that Oscar!" :(

Such is life, Matthew.

Nothing Really Matters said...

PG a one track mind!

smurfette said...

re: cock watch. hahahaha, that should be a new feature, starting with the famous blue shorts hehehe...

Katie of Sweden said...

Wow, this is SO cool (that we could affect the poll). Thanks to Joycedavenport for creating the thread!!

And this multigrip thing... it comes with having long fingers I think.. cause I too have long fingers..makes it possible to hold many many thing..

JW rock!

Anna said...

gin said: His feet are cut off in the pictures but he was also walking on water at the time. ;)

LOL! Are you implying that we're getting too enthusiastic about Jake's talents? ;-)

(But if you study the recent pap shots very carefully you'll see that he is often walking on water these days too. ;-))

Smurfeyshmoo said...

Oooh, smurfette that sock watch is quality. Someone needs to tell dear Kiki that crack kills! (And I'm NOT talking about the drug...)

Elle said...

PG, this was a brilliant post! I tell you, today was a totally crappy day, but a few minutes visiting JW and I'm grinning and giggling like a silly fool!

Sigh! Too too funny!

Elle said...

"Mummy, Mummy, that Jake Gyllenwhatsit can stick out his tongue AND rub his tummy at the same time! I can't even pronounce his name without having to go for a lie-down. I'll never get that Oscar!" :(

LOL!!!!!

cina said...

re: cock watch. hahahaha, that should be a new feature, starting with the famous blue shorts hehehe...

AMEN, smurfette!!!

LOL

msdonniedarko said...

pg you are so funny i love your posts!

msdonniedarko said...

man jake is killing matthew now!!! ya we kick ass!

bookgirltx said...

"I think you should talk to the Olympics people. Tell them we want Jake to win a medal and we want it NOW."

He would, of course, be wearing his Gold medal when he is photographed during the "Sexiest Man Alive" photo shoot. Not that he needs public validation of incredible hotness. He knows how we feel <3

dani said...

If those PEOPLE magazine folks haven't woken up yet and realized that there is only one man for consideration of Sexiest Man Alive, maybe the results of this In Touch poll will make them take notice. He is not a runner up or one of...he is THE SEXIEST MAN ALIVE!

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