JUST FYI

I know we're still a little icksnay on the erm, babynay but I thought you'd all like to know what we're spending the Jake Watch Piggy Bank funds on (aside from britpopbaby's gin and coke habit). At the last minute I backed out of buying a Tamarin because I thought, in the wrong situation, it might cause offense; as I learnt from my Carmine Giovinazzo experiment, my idea of 'cute' isn't always the same as everyone else's. So we 'sponsored' a Red Panda. His name is Maurice - well I don't know if that is his name but that's what I deemed he shall be known as. Below is the accompanying letter that may or may not have reached Maggie and Sarsy - Pops might have screwed it up and hurled it at the back of PG's head when she wasn't looking. Who knows?

When we first heard about you, Baby Ramona, we have to admit, we were pretty damn excited. And now here you are (we won’t mention that you decided to show up on the same day as Jake Watch’s sixth month anniversary thus stealing our thunder in a most spectacular manner. We’re cool).

With two talented and stunningly attractive parents we reckon you’re pretty much set but your arrival can not go unmarked without some amount of fanfare and purchasing of material objects by us, here at Jake Watch. But what to buy?

After much consideration, whimsical glowing rabbit toys, comedy baby-grows and any kind of donation to a charity of your choice were crossed off the list as we came to the obvious conclusion. What better start in life than your very own designer pet?

Now, we did want to send you the Red Panda, honestly we did, but apparently there are some ‘regulations’ and ‘laws’ that prevent the shipping of wild animals by Joe Public. Customs and Excise – they’re so uptight!

So, rest assured. The panda is yours, it just lives in a zoo on the other side of the Atlantic. We think it’ll work better this way and after all, as the zoo website tells us - You will understand that we often exchange animals with other zoos for breeding purposes, and - like us - they eventually die – best not to get too attached, eh?

Expect a certificate and some magazines about conservation and stuff soon. You officially own that Red Panda from the first of November. We suggest you name him Maurice.

Wishing you all the best,
The Jake Watch massive.

PS. You are now a member of the North of England Zoological Society. We’re not quite sure how that one happened.

-------------------