Monday, July 31, 2006


...look who shows up! Aah, the irony.
He's either offering to wash their windscreen for them or is heavily involved in a conversation about his dad's response to our questions;
"Yeah, I know. I was like, Dad, just tell them you like to grow Bonsai trees and watch reruns of Judge Judy to relax. They'll find out anyway."

Yep, those are the only two rational explanations for whats happening here.

pic from IHJ


...replied to our questions! I'm not going to comment on them too much now because I want you to get to read them first. I'm so relieved this came to fruition. Did ya keep the faith?

My editor accuses me of being a terrible deadliner--to this I have to say guilty as charged. I've also been known to carry important documents around far too long, since about May 22, I think.
So, now, finally I want to say thank to everyone who contributed tothis Q&A. Some of you I've already met at the reading/signing at Housing Works, and some I know contribute to the online forums and fanblogs. I'm grateful for the interest and support you've given my family and me. I have to admit, as I watch all this interest unfold around me, though, particularly around my kids, I'm often driven to ask, what about each of you? Everyone of us deserves attention. Lots of attention. Each of us deserves our own Q&A. This is one of mine, I guess, though the concept that I really have any answers feels illusory.

Alaina (NY): You are best known for directing feature films. What was the motivation behind publishing a collection of poetry?
Stephen Gyllenhaal: I'd had some poems published in some good literary journals for about three years and I was already surprised and pleased that anyone would want any of my stuff in the first place. Then when a couple of editors in New York read some work I had submitted to a literary journal they worked for and asked if I had more poems to make into a book, I was flattered by their attention and I thought, Let's see where this goes. I'd also say that I never started writing with the intention of getting published. In fact, it was the furthest thing from my mind. I was a bit embarassed about writing poetry, to be honest. It was one ofthe few places in my life where I wasn't trying to show off. For along time it was just an extension of journaling, keeping a diary, almost. But over the years (after friends and family suggested it) I began to circle the idea warily of sending some of my poems out. Then one day I just took a deep breath about three years ago and began sending them out to journals and periodicals.

Anneka (Wales UK): How long have you been accumulating your collection? Is there more to come?
SG: I've been writing poetry, on and off, for about thirty years, but really didn't take it seriously until about ten years ago. Then I actually started finishing poems and putting them in drawers, or when I felt good about them, giving them to friends as birthday or anniversary presents, like Emily Dickinson did. Then I would start to write poems specifically for certain people. Portraits. And sometimes I'd just write to let off some steam, I'm sure you can all relate to that. And yes, there's more to come.

Maxine (London UK): Considering the title of your collection and having read some passages, is it deliberately aimed as a knock at Hollywood life?
SG: I guess I'm inclined to be wary of almost everything in my life. And also curious. Hollywood is and has been a stimulating place to work. But it's also a place my editor calls a city of illusions. Those are the kind of illusions that can destroy your spirit and your will to do the best work you can. And Claptrap has a couple of meanings for me, I guess. It means of collection of junk, or stuff. And I guess I like that as a description of the poems here. It always seems dangerous to take yourself too seriously. And also, I guess the trap of wanting someone to clap for you. A pretty dangerous place to find yourself (I've been there) then lose track of who you are, what you are. You're using other people to help you define yourself. I guess that's what worries me about so much of Hollywood (so much of the culture of the US--the rest of the world too, actually)...the idea that when someone recognizes you, claps for you, you're OK. But you're only OK if that's taking place inside of you. With yourself. Not outside.

Sherry (USA): Are the poems in your collection mostly spoken by aversion of yourself or are they sometimes written through different personae?
SG: So far it's pretty much just my voice. But this process of writing is intriguing. I'm sure it's true for a lot of you out there too. It's a journey. I think I've often been too wrapped up in myself--looking out at other people is more and more interesting to me. Right now there are a couple of poems that look at other people. Maybe in the future, I'll take that a step further and use some other people's voices. We'll see.

Susie (Manchester, UK) and Amy (NY): I read in an article regarding your education that the Romantics were influential to you. What was it about them in particular and who are your other influences, literary or otherwise?
SG: The Romantics were anti-Rationalists. They believed that by really listening to your emotions you could find the common threads that bind all human beings together. My background having been formed in what you might call an over-rational environment, I guess you might say this was my kind of rebellion.

Adriana (Romania): What would you define as the American literary canon?
SG: The kind of literature that binds us together as citizens of the same country. This was certainly easier to define in the 19th century,when there where only a few places Americans emigrated from and which had more in common with each other than they do today. But all the writers they taught us in high school, certainly, they are part of the canon. Dickinson, who I mentioned earlier, and Whitman, and Poe, and of course Mark Twain, Emerson, Thoreau, novelists like Wharton and James, Fitzgerald, Saul Bellow, playwrights like Eugene O'Neill and Tennessee Williams... I think there is a literary canon forming today, but I think you're going to find it in other, new places, like in song lyrics and even screenplays. But as I've stumbled into poetry over the years I find there's something inexplicable about it, something inexplicable in all of us that it circles. And finally, I'd be wary of words like canon (the Romantics would've worried about that word). Also, I have a poem called Canon (which, come to think of it, is a bit of someone else's voice, sort of). In that case Canon, is joking around with "cannon." Jokes are good.

Anonymous: Do you feel poetry is becoming a lost art form? Why do you choose this particular form of expression?
SG: Poetry is anything but lost! As I said above, you're going to find it in new places like popular song lyrics. In rap. Rap is amazing.I'm often dazzled by rap. The origins of my poems are the same origins of my work in films--I'm pulled into a scene in my head (often foggy)and do my best to to somehow capture it. Sometimes it works. Sometimes it doesn't. I'm sure a lot of you can relate to that. The one thing I guess I've been growing aware of recently is that I've learned (as I've been kicked around by life) that some things are better thrown away and some things are really worth working on. Sometimes a poem (ora screenplay/or a movie) takes years to get right.

Daniella (New Jersey): Writers seem to have a certain location or time of day when ideas come easiest to them and work is most enjoyable. Doyou have any writing routines?
SG: Writing in the morning. Often very early. Coming out of dreams. I have come to believe that dreams are profoundly important. Profoundly. That Freud was starting to figure out some important things. The Greeks, etc, knew about dreams before, but Freud began to pull dreams into the modern world. The modern world could do with a lot more dreams. So for me the morning is best. Surroundings don't seem to influence me much. I've written and rewritten anywhere. I try to write stuff down when it comes. Like catching fish. If I don't hook them at the time they bite, they sometimes escape.

britpopbaby: I always have difficulty titling my work because it feels like I'm trying to summarise my work in a few words and also feels so final when I'm never completely satisfied. Do you have a similar problem?
What are your greatest obstacles when writing?
SG: To answer the first part of your first question, if you'll see each of my poems and how their titles relate to each of them, you'll notice that the title is actually part of the poem. Part of the story, the wholeness of the poem. Not a summation. I guess you could consider some of these titles ironic, kind of a twist on a meaning or perspective. Even a hidden meaning maybe. Think of Crescent Moon or The Enron in My Face. But honestly? They just sort of come to me. Why do they just come to me? Why has it gotten easier as I've gotten older (although I don't think age has anything to do with it--some of the greatest writers were very young)...but for me I think finding titles has gotten easier because I've been knocked around a lot. I don't really give a shit about a lot of things anymore. (I used to worry about so much when I was younger that it just paralyzed me a lot. I had to be perfect. That idea is long gone.) But who cares really anyway? Besides, we each have to wander through this process in our own way, (and not just writing, but living and you'd have to say you can't do one without the other; and I've also found it's the other way around for me too.) And each and everyone of us is miraculous. That's what bothers me so much about almost everything I see in this culture. For instance with my kids and even these questions (to some degree). Each of you is a miraculous creature. Everyone is. Dreaming and scheming and trying to sort out life? And then we go and kill each other for some stupid piece of dirt. Or for gold. Or for a religion (that's the weirdest of all to me). We should be celebrating ourselves (Whitman certainly was into that). And that goes for each of you--it might be intriguing that each of you tries to answer the questions you've given to me. You might find that your answers are far more insightful than what I'm coming up with. Nonetheless, let's keep going....

Lee: What advice would you give to aspiring writers?
SG: I think I just gave it.

Prophecy Girl (Tennessee): I interpreted your poem "Land of the Free" as an expression of your disillusionment with the American cultural and political landscape. Is this an accurate understanding?
SG: I guess. I also liked the words. I find half the time poetry leads me. I don't really know where the poems are going half the time. I just have an ache, I guess. Or sort of growing pain, something is being demanded to grow. I try to stay out its way. One way to stay out of the way is not try to inerpret what ends up on the page I've confronted. I did the best I could with what's there. I don't mind if others try to figure out what it means, though.

Ally (iheartjake), Karen, and Ursula (Sri Lanka): Which special interest groups do you support? Will you get involved in the 2008 presidential election campaign?
SG: It's funny. I never would have thought this, but poetry seems to be pushing me towards politics. To be honest, I've never really been all that involved (some of what you may have read about me at least repolitics is hyped). My wife has been the political one in the family and I've kind of bumped along with her. But that seems to be changing. I wrote a piece for The Huffington Post because I was so enraged by the Bush Adminstration floating the idea that they might use nuclear weapons against Iran. It's insane. Many political leaders now (and through history) have been absolutely insane. I am not remotely comfortable with what's going on in this country right now. And then there's "An Inconvenient Truth"--I recommend you all go see it. Or get the DVD when it comes out. The planet you live on is the hands of crazy people. The poetry that exists inside each of us (the rhymes and rhythms in our bodies) tells us how crazy these people are as easily as we breathe. So, yes, I suspect I'll be involved in the presidential elections and in other political fights that will be coming down the pike as well. We'll see how much.

Gayle S. Stever, Ph.D. (Arizona State University) and James (LosAngeles): We have noted the invasion of the paparazzi into yourprivate family life in an escalating fashion of late. To what extent does living somewhat in the public eye affect you?
SG: It affects us. It's sad. People will discover much more interesting things when they turn their cameras (and thoughts) on the people in their own lives, the people they know. The people they personally love. The people they personally hate. The people in-between. The rest of this is just an excuse for avoiding that far more interesting world. The world of their own lives.

Anonymous: We've heard you play the viola and enjoy listening to Eminem. What else do you do to relax?
SG: What do you do?

Carina (Stockholm) and Katarina (Sweden): Since you have a very interesting Swedish heritage have you or have you ever considered travelling to Sweden to discover more about your ancestors?
SG: I've always wanted to go. I don't know why I haven't. But hopefully I will in the future. We'll see.

britpopbaby: Finally, are there any continuing themes or messages in your poetry? What do you want readers to take away from your collection?
SG: They should take away what ever they want, don't you think? When I really concentrate, a word like "theme" confuses me. Most of those important words confuse me. I can't even say I'm terribly clear when I'm writing. Slowly, though, something does seem to come into focus and that's quite miraculous. But even the confusion is miraculous, so go figure. It's just plain miraculous to be alive, isn't it?

Well, what do we think? I'm thinking we should answer these questions ourselves and send them back to Stephen? I'll just say now that I can't remember exactly which questions I attributed to whom and I think some of them may have been mixed up. I tried to get a global vibe when I submitted these and I also condensed some questions together.

ALSO: Please don't post this interview or even parts of it anywhere else on the net until August 4th. That is the agreement I have with Stephen and his publisher Cantara. On Aug 4th it will be posted at but until then please respect that it is a JW exclusive. Unfortunately I can't stamp across it.

Sunday, July 30, 2006


Okay, so I was catching up on my Jake Watch reading (Cock Watch? What is the matter with you people?) when I found this:

Wearing a sleeveless T-shirt, camouflage shorts and sneakers,
the 35-year-old Texan was just back from a run and looked
fit enough to compete in the race he once dominated. Yet
telltale signs that those days were over were scattered on
every side: from the cold beer and plate of pastries sitting
on a table nearby, to the collection of friends, including
actor Jake Gyllenhaal, who gathered around a TV set
and insisted on switching channels in time to watch
Tiger Woods win the British Open.

But what is so bad about this I hear you cry...

GOLF! MOTHERHUMPING GOLF! Jake, say it isn't so! Please, please, please do not be a golf fan. I have a phobia of golf, I can't tolerate it. Even typing the word is giving me a rash. I hate people who play it, watch it, build special little elitist clubs for it, put on stupid trousers and diamond patterned jumpers for it. No, no, no, no! Seriously Jake, if you're into golf this relationship is over. There are some things I can cope with - dating ProphecyGirl/Austin Nichols/Mandy Moore/whoever behind my back, going to the entirely wrong European countries, the lycra outfits, hell, even The Dunst but golf, ugh, too far. For now, I'll just presume the writer didn't make this 100% clear and you were actually bound to a chair, gagged and made to watch The British Open by Armstrong and his cronies against your will but galantly spent hours squirming and making muffled screams trying to get free. Ok? Shall we never mention this again? Good. How were the pastries?

EDIT: Okay, forget me and my stupid golf crap - this is really bad news: My thoughts are with you, dkbb. Hope you stay safe!


Well, with it being Sunday and all.

I'm not sure how Jake manages to make decisions without this feature so I thought we should hastily address this topic: Wish You Were Here? Jake has been all the way to France and back in recent times so I'm quite randomly presuming he has been bitten by the travel bug. But where should he venture next? I tried to include places I didn't think he'd been yet but now as I type this I realise he was in Mexico for the filming of Jarhead so scrap that last one and replace it with your own suggestions.

NB: This weeks Sunday Project is dedicated to kelle k. who had this gem of wisdom to offer us all:
I was a devout JW reader in the beginning (funny, I don't recall you) but then things started going downhill (yet my traffic increased, odd!). Brit stop doing the rubric rodeo (no I didn't) and the Sunday projects, (no I didn't), and it just became a little boring to me. So I went elsewhere for my Jake fix. Waiting for Toothy is still a Jake's fan dream (k), all the recent pictures are up like at JW, it's funny, and the owner Dany has always been nice to everyone. Both Brit and Dany have been gracious to each other (civil would be a more appropriate adjective but whatever), even when their readers hacked each other to pieces. Anyway my point is if you don't like a place then you shouldn't go (and yet here you are!) but to bash it just because a person mentions it here is silly (meh).
See, I do listen to the constructive criticism especially when it's ironic. So, thanks for your input kelle k, god I hope you stay awake long enough to read this before the boredom takes you over,

(Sorry everyone, I'll stop this soon - I need to get it out of my system. It calms me to answer back and I'm angry that PG had to put up with it in my absence. I'm just having a temporary take no prisoners attitude - it should be amusing.)

Saturday, July 29, 2006


For those of you who don't speak fluent Italian like myself that title is the anouncement that britpopbaby hath returned.

And wow, where does one begin? First off, I knew this would happen - PG has raised the game by about ten levels and now I'll really have to pull my finger out. Two sock watches? Jake in France? (dude, I was in ITALY - I know you Americans are bad at Geography but c'mon, you should have realised your mistake when Parma a Melone wasn't on the hotel menu.)

My reaction to the Jake as maybe Lance in a film news - please don't for the following reasons:
1. No one (especially me) wants to watch a film about cycling - probably not even cyclists themselves.
2. No one (especially me) wants to watch a film about cancer - if they did I'm sure Love Story is still widely available in video, maybe even DVD, format.

Um, what else? The Pops Q&A is still due on Aug 1st. Sorry if I forgot to mention that it still is a JW exclusive - posted here before anywhere else. I also forgot to tell you all I got myself a signed copy of Claptrap - mailed at great expense. I'll scan the signed part in soon so you can see what Stephen Gyllenhaal had to say to me.

Lastly (have to go for my dinner!) I've just read the comments section under Jake Watch Exclusive : Gyllenhaal/McConaughey relationship revealed. I usually ignore posts that contain such phrases as 'over at WFT' or 'WFT rules and you suck ass' but AGH! Seriously, stop it. It's fucking annoying. More on this later...

Friday, July 28, 2006


But seeing as how I believe our fearless leader will be returning tomorrow (I think...maybe), any post could be my last! Maybe this one! How about one more Sock Watch? For the road?

COLOR: White, with snazzy yellow trim.

TYPE: Decidedly athletic.

HEIGHT: Ankle/shin hybrid (stretching to somewhere neatly in the middle).

OVERALL STATUS: Dangerously professional-looking! If I didn't know any better, I'd say Jake knew what he was doing!

(Oh, baby does he look good leaning up against that bike. We should totally start a Helmet Watch.)


You know, I didn't even think about the possibility of this being my last post until I started writing it. Dammit. I should have come up with something more...better. I guess I could leave you with one last look at the deity otherwise known as...


My God! This isn't even human! He's talking on the phone WHILE balancing on one leg WHILE holding not one drink but two (with straws!!!) WHILE holding his car keys WHILE wearing the best jeans I've ever seen in my entire life!! (It looks like he might be trying to show us some tongue, but that might be the straw that broke the camel's back.) The real question is, how did he open the door?!

Amazing! Seconds later, he's cleared the doorway, hasn't spilled a drop, has flawlessly continued his conversation, and, because he knew we were watching, has flashed us the tiniest glimpse of his boxers! he about to use his shoulder to close the car door? Please excuse me. I'm gonna have to lie down. (Seriously, that's pretty damned impressive.)

And lastly, for nice anonymous (*wink*):

Thursday, July 27, 2006


And the paps have found him already. Surprise, surprise! And also, damn, Jake, did France make you hotter or something? You're looking particularly studly carrying around that bottle of Coca-Cola.

I was trying to make us look good by putting up the poem below and then due to my own greedy bandwidth usage I sort of screwed up our efforts at intellectualism. But, it's all better now! I put up these pictures earlier to distract you from my raging incompetance as a poetry publisher and...yeah. I found it personally impossible to just send them off to wherever electronic photos go when you hit the "delete" button. So now we have two posts. And everyone's happy. I hope.

Photos from JustJared.

UPDATE: Some more random tidbits...

1. New FreshLook disposable color contact lenses has issued this clever press release with an exciting ranking of celebrity eyes. But they put Jake at number 4. Um, pu-leeze. This is a clear example of why Jake Watchers should always be doing the voting.

2. Regarding the never-ending speculation on Jake-as-Lance, check here and here.

3. An exciting discovery been made over at IHJ in the form of this:
Yes, Jake has his very own Livestrong bike...with his name on it! For the name thing alone, it's better than any bike I've ever owned in my entire life.


...which I have on good authority is SO going down early next week, let's read some poetry! I ask that we all turn to page 67...

And it's Maggie's turn! If I'm not mistaken, Stephen (Dad) wrote this after hearing (unflattering) reviews of Maggie's performance in the stage production of "Closer." (I, myself, became quite intimate with this poem last night when I typed it up 4 times and finally admitted defeat to Blogger, which seemed incapable of addressing my formatting issues. Thank God for scanners, huh?) Here is, as lifted directly from Claptrap: Notes for Hollywood, "Watching You Strip/My Daughter." What can I say? I love this poem...and I love it when we act like we're all smart. :D

Like it? Buy the whole book here.

Wednesday, July 26, 2006


Thanks to some efficient troop deployment from the comments section of the last post, MSN's sadly misguided "Hollywood Hotties" poll is securely in the hands of the Gyllenhaal after a neck-in-neck race with a certain Mr. Depp. I know this was a particularly difficult assignment for many of you...for me, personally, while I would never, ever, under any circumstances, say or do anything, in any way, that would compromise my undying devotion to Jake, if, for whatever reason, everyone on Earth was about to die a slow and horrible death and the only chance of comfort came from fleeting companionship from those in the immediate area and Jake wasn't around but Johnny was...there's a 50/50 chance I wouldn't deny him. And we'll leave it at that.

In other news, basically there isn't any. Clearly Jake did not read the last post and I'm disappointed but blaming his oversight on jet lag. In the meantime, I guess we can look backwards, to the village in France where Lance sometimes entertains American movie stars. I think I mentioned before that I was jealous, and I'm afraid I'm going to have to stick by that statement.

So, we're all hot. We're tired. No matter where on Earth you sit as you read this, your weather is miserable. Mother Nature hates us. Jake ignores us. We need a pick-me-up. Hmmm, what is something that we would universally agree always gives us a happy, no matter how many times we see it, no matter how hot it is outside, no matter how much life sucks...

And because what good is a bunch of Jake pictures if don't have one that's a little awkward:

*big dreamy sigh* Now what was I saying?


It seems Lance Armstrong is none too shy about disclosing his whereabouts at all times, but traveling companion and sometime actor Jake Gyllenhaal seems a bit more cautious about revealing which country he'll be in from day to day. Since we know Lance should be showing up stateside at any moment, can Jake be far behind?

New York? Los Angeles? Paris? Nice? The North Pole? The South Pole, this time? Where is Jake?! Amazingly enough, the Gyllenhall does not submit a full iternary of his whereabouts to his devoted (if slightly insane) fans here at Jake Watch. Until he realizes how beneficial such a courtesy would be, we must continue to carefully track his every movement via the world wide web. Jake, give us something to work with!

And for those of you who have developed Armstrong-onset avian flu, I offer up:

I not sure which mystery will prove more difficult to solve!

Tuesday, July 25, 2006


Oh, baby. Smurfette has made Prophecy Girl very, very happy. I wasn't sure I would get a chance to take on the Mother Of All Jake Watch Features and then, like a gift from above, we get this little slice of heaven. Yes, this is an old picture, and no, Jake is not dining solo (I'll bet if you thought about it, you could guess who his lunch date is), but we're all about the socks here, people. We can't have any distractions. A closer look:

COLOR: Midnight black

TYPE: Do my eyes deceive me? Or do those appear to be dressy?

HEIGHT: Indeterminate due to pant length; we can only assume they're knee high.

OVERALL STATUS: Sadly, geriatric. It's as if he's aged 100 years from the shin down.

Monday, July 24, 2006


Aw, hell no! There's never a slow news day when the Gyllenhaal is afoot. Thanks to the clicking power of Jake Watchers everywhere and our comrades at IHJ, we showed that bitch McConaughey what "sexy" is all about! That's right, after a dismal initial showing in the In Touch Weekly lame-ass poll of the week, Jake Gyllenhaal has pulled ahead to his rightful place as the SEXIEST PERSON WHO EVER LIVED! (Or at least sexier than Matthew McConaughey and Lance Armstrong.) Way to go, agents!

So today, I would like to explore the possibility that Jake, perhaps, has certain powers and abilities far beyond those of mortal men. Yes, I'm talking about:

Jake Gyllenhaal: The Multitasker!
I ran across this amazing series of pictures at IHJ and was shocked, nay, astounded at what I saw.

January 30, 2005. We start off casually enough. Jake, in the standard grey hoodie/dark glasses combo, carries not one but two bags of groceries. No small feat, but no act of God (yet). that a bottle of Snapple in his hand? Both bags go up (let's take a moment to reflect on the Gyllenhaal biceps, shall we...and we're good) and the tongue is out!

Then things start to move really quickly. The tongue goes in, the bags are switching from two hands to one hand, the Snapple bottle is seemingly gone but in reality hidden behind a flurry of hand/bag God, will he pull this off?

Amazing! Somehow he has secured both bags in a single hand while the Snapple bottle now has a hand and an upper arm all to itself! And nothing was dropped! There you have it, folks. Proof that Jake is no ordinary man!

(Ten bucks says McConaughey would have had Snapple all over the parking lot.)

Saturday, July 22, 2006


"Occasionally, I'd pick up the lifeguard buoy and run down the beach 'Baywatch'-style, like something was actually happening."

- Jake Gyllenhaal, master lifeguard. It's nice to know he did more than just pee on people's legs to earn his paycheck. Ha ha ha!! Sorry...

Hey, how about some random trivia to go with that quote (courtesy of

Roles that didn't happen for the Gyllenhaal:

American Beauty

Jake Gyllenhaal auditioned for the role of Ricky Fitts.
Actor who got the part: Wes Bentley

Batman Begins

Jake Gyllenhaal was runner up to play Batman if Christian Bale could not do it.
Actor who got the part: Christian Bale

Moulin Rouge

Gyllenhaal auditioned for the part of Christian, but was ultimately turned down because he looked too young to star opposite Nicole Kidman.
Actor who got the part: Ewan McGregor

The Patriot

Jake Gyllenhaal was considered to play Gabriel Martin (Heath Ledger)
Actor who got the part: Heath Ledger

Spider-Man 2

He was offered the role after Tobey McGuire was injured; he was even screentested with a suit, according to a rumor.
Actor who got the part: Tobey McGuire

Superman Returns

According to teenhollywood, Gyllenhaal was considered for the role of Superman.
Actor who got the part: Brandon Routh

Quite interesting. Some of these I knew, some not so much. After seeing Superman Returns, I'm quite disappointed he didn't get that part. I think he would have filled out the cape nicely. And Batman?? Oh, baby.

In other news, our boy is being beaten mercilessly in the worst poll in the history of polls. I'm blaming this on the fact that more people saw Failure to Launch than Jarhead. I'm just thankful we Jake Watchers have the support of each other to get us through these harsh times.

And speaking of links, heads up to our French agents that Jake and Lance are staying at the Hotel de Crillon.

I'm fairly certain this is a nicer hotel than any I have ever stayed in in my entire life. It looks like freaking Buckingham Palace. Not that I'm jealous or anything...


I apologize for the lack of Sunday Project-ness of last Sunday. I seem to recall there was craziness...and then the craziness got even more crazy as the week progressed. But here we are, back on track again! This week: The Issue Of Giving Shirts To Jake.

As frequent readers know, we here at Jake Watch are all about giving Jake clothing. In our efforts to watch him, we have become sadly aware that his financial state does not allow him to expand his wardrobe as often as he should, and it is our duty, as Jake Watchers, to help him with this unfortunate circumstance. So far, we have scraped together the means to send him a Boo shirt and possibly a Jake Watch shirt (not yet in existence). But why stop there? Here are a couple of other choices:

A. Reads: "I look like that one guy in that movie." This is a multi-purpose shirt, since Jake looks like lots of guys from lots of movies. He could wear it everyday and get a different response ("Hey, you do look like Jack Twist!" or "Hey, you do look like Donnie Darko!" or "Dude, weren't you in Spider-Man?"), which is cool 'cause Jake sometimes wears his shirts lots of days in a row (Reason #746 Why We Love Him).

B. Reads: "Sorry for being so fucking sexy." At first I really liked this one but then I started wondering. Should Jake really should be apologizing to us? True, his sexiness has resulted in a lot of lost time daydreaming and ruined movie theater seats (excessive drool) and maybe even too much time on the internet (although, really, can you spend too much time on the internet??). But it's not his fault he's so fucking sexy. So we could go to the other extreme...

C. Reads: "To: Women; From: God." Self-explanatory. And honest. I know I personally take his existence as conclusive proof of an All-Powerful Divine Being...but I think we should ask that they change "Women" to "Humanity."

D. Reads: "You Discussed Me." Hmmmm. True. We have, in fact, "discussed" Jake. In great detail. And likely will continue to do so. This one has personal significance as I see this as validation for that one time when Jake and I were hanging out like the awesome BFF's that we are and he said, "You discussed me!" in reference to this blog, but some people overheard who totally did not understand our bond and next thing you know, everyone's like, OMG, Jake hates Prophecy Girl, which is so not true and I really wish people would learn to distinguish their homophones.

And E. Jake's gift to us, in return for our kindness. Reads: "Restraining orders are just another way of saying I LOVE YOU." See? I knew Jake had a special place in his heart for each and every one of us. Thanks, Jake!

(Also, thanks to T-shirt Hell for providing me with the means to create this post.)

But seriously, guys, if you can't wait for these babies to ship and then land on the back of the Gyllenhaal, why not dress him yourself? In the virtual world, all things are possible...

(I'm blaming my new addiction to virtual Jake on jla ;)).

And everyone who is sick of Lance Armstrong, stop reading. For the rest of you, read more about the Jake-as-Lance movie rumor here and here. Most interesting...


Now, what have we here? If I'm not mistaken, Jake is innocently enough pointing to a very large dogbone he's going to buy for Atticus (or possibly perfumed dog bubble bath?)...but his experience at the pet store is clearly being ruined by a blatant stalker. Let's take a closer look.

Scandal, Miss Green M&M! Of all M&M's, we should have known she would be the one eyeing Jake, but couldn't she have done it with a little more class? This, my friends, is the precise reason we don't let just anyone go on Official Jake Watch Stalking Missions. Honestly. Look at her, reclined lacsiviously, just waiting for Jake to make his way to the check-out counter where she will no doubt embarrass herself even further. I know it must be difficult to control oneself while in such close proximity to the Gyllenhaal, but come on! Whore.

(Thank you, Smurfeyshmoo.)

In other news, it's official Jake Watchers. We are getting the exclusive of all exclusives! Check out the revised schedule on Stephen's (aka Dad's) website, which now lists us by name as the formal recipients of the answers to the questions which we submitted, whereas we previously were under the impression that said answers would be posted simultaneously on Mr. Gyllenhaal's site and thus possibly not technically exclusive to this site. Got that? Is anyone else starting to grow a little faint as the deadline draws near?

Friday, July 21, 2006


After the veritable media frenzy of yesterday, I feel a bit like an addict in rehab. This lack of news is quite a let-down. I'm guessing Jake is off enjoying Nice where apparently the weather is NOT 150 degrees with 300% humidity, as it here in the fine city of Memphis. Well, I'm sure he deserves a break, and in the meantime shall we go back a bit? To simpler times? Just while we ride out the eye of the cycling storm...

Exciting Moments In Gyllenhaal Hair!

(Not to be confused with the Hair Survey of yore.) Yikes, Jake! What's going on here? This must have been back when Macaulay Culkin was setting the fashion standards for adolescent boys. I would like to thank the usually completely incompetent US Weekly for providing us with this lovely picture of middle school Jake.

And what about this?

These screencaps from the 1998 movie Homegrown (you may notice some familiar names in the credits) recently showed up on IHJ. And who is that blonde boy on the right? Let's take a closer look...

Why it's Jake! OMG, remember when, like, everyone had dyed-blonde hair in the late '90's? Well, we know Jake always will! Thank God he started getting starring roles in movies, where professional hair-stylists could give him extra-sexy movie-star hair.

Oh, snap!


I was looking through the most recent pictures of Jake Gyllenhaal and Lance Armstrong in France and I ran across a photo taken while the two of them were discussing postmodern trends in the use of sunglasses as items of both convenience and fashionable necessity in the celebrity populace of developed nations. Either that, or they were talking about biking.

But then, I was struck by a strange feeling of deja vu. So I did a little research and sure enough! They WERE talking about biking! Jake had that SAME CONVERSATION with John Lennon exactly 40 years ago. Amazing! Apparently Lennon, too, was an avid follower of the Tour de France.



(This was a completely self-indulgent post on behalf of the author who is a Beatles fan and thought Jake slightly resembled John Lennon in the original picture. She would like to ask Jake why he chose to wear sunglasses inside because if he'd worn them outside, the lighting would have matched up so much better when she Photoshopped him in with John. Er, I mean, when she was cleaning the dust off on this historically valuable photograph.)

Thursday, July 20, 2006


Just for you. I'm too good to you guys. No, as I so lamely tried to explain in the "comments" section of the previous post, I don't have the ability to change the number of posts that show up per page. Right now, it's set to five, and the news is coming in very, very fast. In order to allow everyone to keep up with what's going on (for instance, those crazy, crazy people who only come here once a day or (blasphemers) every other day), I'm trying to keep as much news visible on the main page as I can. Make sense? I hope so. If not, tell me, and I'll write something better.

If you haven't watched the delicious video of The Sex talking shop, here are a few screencaps just in from IHJ. I have graciously transcribed a bit of the interview for you here:

"Do I think Prophecy Girl is doing a good job at Jake Watch? Yeah! I'm, like, in love with that chick! She's got awesome hair."

"Nah, I didn't leave any club with a random girl. You're kidding right? I'd never do that."

"I had to leave Boo and Atticus behind. You know, they were very upset but it's a long ride and, you know, it was just a decision that had to be made. I hear Boo's MySpace page is taking off, though, which is really exciting for me personally. You know, as his owner."

"Aw, man. Lance was all like, 'Slow down, dude!' when we were going up that mountain. I didn't even care, though. I'm not going to let him win just to make him feel good."

More links for anything and everything you would ever want to know about our man in France, including the news that all that cycling isn't for nothing; Jake is training for a movie. Extra, extra, read all about it:

And more pics here! You'll have to scroll down a bit. And ignore the hearts.

MINUTES LATER...another update!


Can you believe he is STILL WEARING THE SAME CARGO SHORTS?! Sorry. Um, I found these on Dave Cullen's site (yay for Jake's Eyelashes!!), although now the image upload thing isn't working and I'm having to handtype the code, which is why you're only getting two out of four. Also, I have to work now, which makes me very sad.

For those of you having difficulty viewing the video, try here (thank you, Kendra!).


Our dear friend and future sister-in-law Maggie graced the pages of LIFE magazine this morning, which worked out nicely since this is the first time in recent memory I've looked at the paper before I went to work. Thank you, Fate, for helping me stay ahead of the game. I also hit every green light on the way to work, allowing me to convey a sense of responsibility to my superiors when I showed up early. Hey, remember when LIFE was a respected publication and not a cheesy insert with you weekend newspaper? Sorry. Off topic.

So Maggie, six films out this year?! And your working the pregnancy factor?! Way to set the work ethic standard. Why don't you tell your brother to get his lazy ass out of France and get to work? Jake, we love you and all, but your sister's totally got you beat when it comes to upcoming projects.

P.S. Just ONE MORE REASON to be jealous of people in France...apparently they get a special edition 2-disc version of Brokeback Mountain before anyone else. They get Jake and now this?! Fate, I thought you were working with me here! This is so not fair. (Thank you, webqueen259.)

P.P.S. Speaking of projects for Jake, we're getting reports from IHJ of a possible new movie role...playing Lance Armstrong. This would actually explain quite a lot. Everything, in fact (except maybe Matthew McConnaughey, but really, there's no explaining him). It's possible we're talking about this project, in which case, has Matt Damon backed down from the lead role? Of course, any actor in his right mind would back down if the Gyllenhaal stepped up to the plate...more news as it develops... Also, we have the unnerving suggestion that Lance and Jake were, ah, "accompanied" by two lady friends after their night of raucous good fun. I think our Jake is going to have a little explaining to do when he gets home.

P.P.P.S. REALLY want to give yourself a treat? Watch the very end of this interview. (I would suggest fast-forwarding for those of you who are overdosing on Lance.) Tell me THAT doesn't do your soul a little good. :)

Wednesday, July 19, 2006


Hot off the presses, ladies and gentlemen, Jake Gyllenhaal went clubbing in France. I repeat, JAKE GYLLENHAAL WENT CLUBBING IN FRANCE. I am in shock and so unbelievably, incredibly, out-of-control jealous of everyone who was in said club in France that I think I might vomit. I'm so flabbergasted by this news, I am physically unable to come up with a clever visual for this story. Mentally, I'm coming up with all sorts of visuals, but I don't see how they're going to manifest themselves here. Thank you and you may continue with your day.

Did I mention he went CLUBBING IN FRANCE?!

P.S. I was so crazed by this news I forgot to say it came from the lovely Katie of Sweden. That is all.

UPDATE: Could this be the venue in question?? (If so, I apologize for that completely unfounded "wild mountain girls" comment I made.)


But he's still got a drink in his hand. Thank God there's some stability in the world. The dangerous black pants/brown shoes combination? The dual shirt action? By God, are those different sunglasses? If it wasn't for the drink, I don't even know if I would have recognized him!

Pic from IHJ, taken Valentine's Day of this year. I really don't know how I didn't make it into the picture. I swear we spent the whole day together.

Tuesday, July 18, 2006


(click to enlarge)

Look at this exciting postcard that just came general delivery to the Jake Watch Top Secret Mailbox! Seems like Jake hasn't forgotten about us after all. Think there's any chance of Jack Twist/Jack Sparrow photo op? A girl can dream... At least we have the real story now; if you want to know what the "actual media" is saying, click here (thank you, heddaparsons). For those of you who don't feel like clicking, the postcard reads:

"Friends, this letter is long overdue. I'm in France to recruit more Jake Watch agents. I rode up the mountain on the front of this card with Lance and I kicked his ass. I'm going to come back with really amazing leg muscles. Will write more when I have time. Hoping to catch up with Depp while I'm here. - Jake xoxo"

UPDATE: Hear Jake talking with his voice. It's an mp3 so you can put it on your iPod and listen to his voice every night before you go to bed. Not that I'm planning on doing that or anything...


Thanks to Nothing Really Matters for reminding me of this grievous error. I apologize for that first quote, which wound up not being an actual quote and I take full responsibility for that. So forget whatever you read about "The Hathaway Twins" and feast your minds around this deep thought:

"Some movies you fall a step behind and some you stay in the same place, make the same choices. And then sometimes there are people who know more than you but show you, and that's the maximum you can hope for - doing that with someone who says, "I like you for what you are, and I want you to be in my picture." I didn't have to fake it or put on a mask - all the resources I had inside me were more than adequate. I don't want to pretend to be something ... I'm not pretending any more to fit somebody's mold. That's a long-winded statement but - why not do what you really think, even if it's a mistake?"

Jake "What You See is What You Get" Gyllenhaal. I especially like that last sentence. I think that should be my motto for life.

Aw, what the hell? Let's have two this week:

"We live in a sad time where actors are politicians & politicians are actors."

Damn, Jake! I knew we were soulmates! Let's you and me talk politics next time we're together.

For those still mad about the ESPY's, you're not alone. Also, if I was rich enough to pay for premium cable channels, I would have been watching this Sunday night for my dose of the Gyllenhaal instead. (Thank you, Karin!!)


In one month...

Number of times wearing a white shirt: 4

Number of times wearing that postage shirt: at least twice

Number of times wearing red shorts: 2

Number of times wearing cargo shorts: 5

Number of times blue comes into the equation: 3

Number of drinks being carried: 4

Number of grocery bags: 3

Number of times wearing sunglasses: 11

Number of times Prophecy Girl has had so much fun cataloging someone's wardrobe: 0

Let's give a shout-out to the internet genius of Matt who has now made it so that you get can get to this blog by typing in Oh, yes, baby. Jake Watch is moving on up!

Monday, July 17, 2006


In fact, she wrote this as she was watching ESPN! Because that's just how on top of things we are here at Jake Watch. She also had to quit watching after Jake presented because there was a baseball game on before the awards which made it start late and she has to wake up very early in the morning. :(

A quick recap of all things important about the 2006 ESPY Awards hosted by Lance Armstrong:

The Joke. The joke we all hoped would not happen. The joke which caused nightmares for those of us who heard about it being practiced during rehearsal...IT HAPPENED. Like a train wreck...

Lance: "We've also got a lot of Hollywood celebrities in the audience. Fresh from his Oscar nomination for Brokeback Mountain, my good friend Jake Gyllenhaal!"

(applause and reaction shot of Jake looking Oscar-nominated-happy)

Wait for it, wait for it...

Lance: "Jake, why are you sitting in the front? I thought you liked it in the rear."

(audience groans, boos, cheers, like, "Oh no, you didn't!!"; reaction shot of Jake throwing his head back like, "Oh no, you didn't!!")

Lance ("Oh yes, I did!!"): "In the rear of the theater, you sickos!"

Prophecy Girl: "Jake, I'm so sorry."

Then Lance went on to introduce "Sexiest Man Alive" (my ass) Matthew McConaughey.

Lance: "We don't have to turn and look. We all know what he looks like. Jake! Eyes up here!"

Prophecy Girl: "Oh, Jake, I'm SO SORRY!"

Somewhere in Los Angeles, Ted Casablanca jumps up and down on his bed in his jammies.

Then the awards started being given out and each one was accompanied by an hour-long video montage of the four nominees in each category. Whenever an award was given out, the presenters prefaced it with, "And the fans have decided..." So apparently this is a fan-oriented thing. I really didn't know because I've never watched ESPN before in my life.

Other observations: Janet Jackson is not a very good presenter. Keifer Sutherland is only 1/4 the size of Venus Williams. And Mariah Carey is completely incapable of opening up an envelope. Who knew? Also, the "most close-ups award" goes to McConaughey, hands down, which is odd since he's not even an athlete.

Towards the middle, Lance gave a moving speech about cancer and told the audience that half the people in the room would be diagnosed at some point in their lives. He symbolically moved his hands to indicate he was halving the audience (suspiciously gesturing in Jake's direction) and then...we get a reaction shot of Jake, who, appropriately, looks like he might cry. We're less than an hour in and Lance has already called him gay twice and told him he was going to get cancer. Jake, I don't know if this friendship is the best thing for you.

Next up is our buddy Matt, whose shirt is only half-buttoned and whose sunglasses (!) are hanging off of said shirt, like it's part of his outfit (and as the evening progresses, it becomes sadly apparent that this is, indeed, a fashion statement). What the hell? Every other person there managed to at least button up their shirt. Jake, I mean come on here! This is who you want to hang out with? Instead of me? Dude. Matt presented an award to an inspirational basketball team from New Orleans, although I was focused more on how stoned he looked than how inspirational the team was.

Then there was a whole bunch of other stuff that I wasn't really paying attention to. Maybe we can find this on YouTube and Anneka can do a real recap. Blah blah blah. Terrell Owens becomes Person #2 to be called gay. Apparently he wrote a gay book. Whatever. OK, Jake! Finally! The ESPY for "Best Moment" (at least they gave him a decent award.)

Jake comes out. Reading Terrell Owens' gay book. Oh, good God, Jake! You don't have to do this!

Jake (still pretending to read): "There's a lot of good stuff in here. But I'm going to let the beginning of the show go."

The first part of that statement could not been more unenthusiastic and the second part sounded a little bitter. I don't blame you, pal. I'm boycotting ESPN after this and it's all for you! Oh, wait. You're still talking...

Jake: "Sports are more amazing than fiction, more compelling than movies, more thrilling than anything we can imagine."

I'm not buying it. Jake most definitely is not either. He's "fresh from his Oscar nomination" and I don't believe for a second he thinks sports are that exciting. I also don't believe for a second he enjoyed being the running joke of the night (I'd never treat you like crap, Jake!). At least he got to give his award to a rightfully enthusiastic winner.

I think there was an award or two after that, but I was just there for the Gyllenhaal. Also, I managed to get this up before the awards show actually ended so take that other blogs!! Goodnight!

EDIT: Here are a few more pics of Jake from the awards which look a lot like all the other pictures we've already seen of Jake from the awards, but I promise they aren't the same ones as britpop put up. This is a sleight of hand manuever on my part to distract you from whatever I wrote above that was offensive to some of you. Let's take a moment to reflect on why we're all here to begin with:

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And a big thanks to Karin for finding this: