Friday, March 30, 2007


Seriously, I thought he was taller than that.

More pics at including Jake holding a really small bowl, so maybe I got it the wrong way round, maybe he expanded.

Dammit! I just thought of a better caption for this: "The aging process makes a suprise attack on Poppa Gyllenhaal'.

Thursday, March 29, 2007


As in, his own "well-worn" clothes and on eBay (HERE). Big thanks to Penny Lane for finding this for us. To recap...Jake Watch opens a store and two days later Jake's selling the clothes off his own back. Like that's a coincidence or something?
Actual Picture of Jake's Actual Clothes

But I'm pretty sure Jake is just getting rid of his old wardrobe to make room in his closet for his new clothes.

Actual Picture of Jake in His Actual Gay Cowboy Shirt

Speaking of shirts, by request, we've added two new t-shirt designs : Jungle Jake and Safari Jake (HERE). Also known as Jake-Being-Chased-By-A-Lion (original seen HERE) and Jake-Being-Chased-By-An-Elephant (original seen HERE). Our shirts don't cost hundreds of dollars, either, so I would suggest buying from us and not Jake. :)

Tuesday, March 27, 2007


Oh god, it's been sooooo long. It's not even ironic anymore. I'm genuinely excited!

  • COLOUR: Which leading brand of detergent powder are you using, baby?
  • TYPE: Ribbed for stability and high performance
  • HEIGHT: Not knee length...but we'll take what we can get...
  • OVERALL STATUS: At first, slightly peeved that the sock reappearence has collided with the launch of another branch of the JW Empire, then glee because Jake socks are Jake socks and then fond remembrance of sock watches of yore.


Damn, we've already sold some stuff!!! You have no idea how much this makes us feel like we've accomplished something. A couple of things since this morning...

1. We now have XXXL shirts available, grouped together on page 4 of the Spreadshirt Store (click HERE). Men's and women's regular (i.e. non-fitted) tees are available in sizes S-XXL, so with this new size, we now have the full gamut of adult sizes that Spreadshirt offers. We can't go any larger, I'm sorry, although we can do kids and baby sizes, which is to say if you want an "I see dead rabbits" shirt for your infant, we can totally hook you up.

2. We also have a CafePress site up and running (click HERE) with "I'm stalking Jake!" buttons, coffee mugs, and bumper stickers. Unlike Spreadshirt, CafePress does not allow for the use of celebrity images on the products sold in their stores, but Spreadshirt doesn't sell mugs or bumper stickers, so we're limited in what we can sell in each place. We will be indefinitely maintaining both stores, but in general, most "I'm stalking Jake!" merchandise will be in the CafePress store.

3. I realize that the images on the t-shirts are small so I'm posting them here in case you want a better look. From now on, we'll try to post the images here when new items become available.








TEAM RUFFALO (which no one will buy but had to be made for the sake of symmetry against Team Gyllenhaal):
Each design is original and the property of Jake Watch. If you want to use these images to help us promote, PLEASE link back to the store and/or the blog. Thanks!

Monday, March 26, 2007


Hello, agents.

You know, britpopbaby and I were thinking... Wouldn't it be beyond wonderful if there was an online store where you could buy Jake Gyllenhaal stuff? I mean, not just Jake Watch stuff (although there'd be some of that, too) but stuff that any Jake fan could wear? Stuff that would be so awesome and so well-designed that Jake himself would want one of everything?

That'd be cool, right?

Um, cool? Try the best idea in the history of the world! Which is why we've spent every waking hour of the past week pulling together the ULTIMATE place to buy Jake Gyllenhaal merchandise, and now present to you the

Damn fucking straight. It's fucking awesome. And I'm not just saying that because we want you to buy shit. Our profits on these things is, like, tiny. If we sell 1,00,000 t-shirts, we might be able to pay for the damage to the HQ incurred during our kidnapping situation. Maybe.

The truth of the matter is, we wouldn't pay $20 for a t-shirt, so we don't expect you to, either, even it means less towards the Official Jake Watch Bank Account (which allows us to do things like pass out free buttons at premieres where the stars don't show up).

- We want you to want to buy this stuff because you're a fan. Let the world know that any actor worthy of inspiring such a fabulous online merchandising campaign is probably the greatest celebrity who ever lived (or at the very least has the world's most amazing fans).

- Most of the stuff is general Jake Gyllenhaal merchandise and not strictly Jake Watch related. There was a gap in the world of Gyllenhaal swag, and that needed filling before we concentrated on pimping ourselves.

- There are four pages of merchandise right now so be sure to check them all. We also have tons of ideas that haven't been put down yet so be sure to check back for updates. We'll also mention it here on the blog when we have a new design available.

- Feel free to tell us what you like and what you don't like and if there's something you'd like to see. If you guys want to buy it, we'll make it for you. We're dedicated like that.

So check it out. And bookmark us: I think you'll not be disappointed...

Friday, March 23, 2007


Hello the literate, puggle fans and the Gyllenposessed. My name is Jake Gyllenhaal. You may remember me from such films as Donnie Darko, City Slickers and the documentary A Day In The Life Of A Fuck Machine.

If you do remember me from aforementioned works, you may have noticed how incredibly special am I. Don't worry, I've noticed too and now I'm here to dispatch small nuggets of my Zeus-given-magic upon you, the less fortunate and generally tragic. Please pay careful attention to my first lesson: How To Make People Who Are Usually Attractive Look Less Attractive...

...Merely By Standing Next To Them. See! See, how I do it?! Look how beautiful I am here. Like I'm not even real. Like, come too close to me with a cigarette and I'll start to melt. To be honest, this was quite a tough one as blondie was pretty statuesque but in the end, it always comes down to who has the best pecs. Me.

Thanks, tune in next week for more handy hints of how to rule. Obviously, this is all theory, please don't expect it to translate into you actual life. Peace out, losers.

Thursday, March 22, 2007


From the Los Angeles City Beat Theatre Listings:

Three Compañeros. Parody of the TV show Three’s Company, in which roommates Lance Armstrong, Jake Gyllenhaal, and Matthew McConaughey try to win the heart of the same girl. Written and directed by Amy Rhodes. Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre, 5919 Franklin Av, Hollywood, (323) 908-8702. Two perfs only: Fri at 11; March 30 at 11.

WOW. Someone has to see this and then tell us all about it. Los Angeles agents? I cannot even believe that this exists and was produced outside of the Jake Watch world. Amy Rhodes, we welcome you with open arms.

Allegedly there are two performances, but all I can make of that is that one of them is Friday, March 30 at 11. The blurb-writing is hopefully not reflective of the quality of the performance.

Thanks to welliwont for finding this for us!

Wednesday, March 21, 2007


Remember THIS?! History repeats itself. Jake Watch has uncovered yet another exclusive, 100% real photograph of Jake during his actual daily activities.

Altered Version:

Actual Photo:

Yeah, I have a feeling we're going to end up with a whole series of these.

More "altered" pics at IHJ.

Monday, March 19, 2007


Sweet! It's been a while, I know. Our words to chew on for this week:

"I love waking up at 4:30 in the morning and going to the set. I like staying in a hotel when I'm making a movie. I love being on set. I'm not the type of actor who leaves as soon as work's over. I stay in my trailer as long as I can. I love making movies."

- Jake "I keep the hours of a dairy farmer" Gyllenhaal

Whoa, whoa, whoa. "I love waking up at 4:30 in the morning?!" No, I'm sorry, Jake, but we can no longer be friends.

Also, your random trivia tidbit for the week...did you know that Jarhead has "the 6th highest recorded number of F words for a single film?" Well, at least it does according to THIS SITE. Thanks to the anon who posted the link. The video is entertaining but, er, turn the sound down. It's not "work safe," if you catch my drift.

This week's quote comes from THIS rehashed article courtesy of OK! Magazine (I think you'll find it reads a little familiar). Scan from IHJ.


Bet you never saw that before.

Sunday, March 18, 2007


Welcome to the finale of Anneka's review of October Sky - the sixth best Jake Gyllenhaal film to date. If you missed the earlier parts they're around here somewhere. And not to get you all too excited but the next review lined up has a little something to do with cowboys...


We’re at the State Science Fair and the excitement starts to build again. Jake’s showing people his vast intelligence when it comes to rockets, though I doubt most of them have come to see his science when his eyes are so darn blue. He shows people the sexy nozzle Pilot Guy made for them. Man, he is going to win! After the fair, he goes wandering the streets, grinning because he’s never been anywhere as exciting. I know how he feels. When I went to Abergavenny the first time, I felt like all my dreams had come true at once. He decides to take in a movie – The Incredible Shrinking Man. It’s no Bubble Boy but it’ll fill up an evening. The couple in front of him in the queue are chatting about the science fair. Cos exciting conversation hasn’t been invented yet. The girl thinks the biosphere is going to win. I still can’t believe that guy with the robot dog didn’t get in. The girl’s friend is backing the rocket kid. Hang on, we know that rocket kid. That’s Jake! Jake grins. And so do we.

The next day, he goes to his stand and, shock, horror, someone’s pinched his nozzle. No that’s not a euphemism, someone’s actually run off with his project. He calls Row-Lee – the guy you’d call in a crisis – but Row-Lee says Pilot Guy can’t get to the workshop ’cos of the strike. Jake also says they took his picture of Jean-Claude Van Damme. You monsters! Pilot Guy comes to New Movie Mom and explains the predicament. She walks through the picket line to see NPC at his office. He’s basically too proud to do anything. Poor Jake, bet you’re wishing you were back with Dennis Quaid. He walked through the end of the world to give you a hand. New Movie Mom says he loves the mine more than his family and that the townsfolk have done more for Jake and his rockets than NPC has. She says if he doesn’t help Jake, she’ll leave him. Bloody hell, she really loves Jake. Or perhaps really hates NPC…She says she’ll live in a tree to get away from him, or alternatively to Myrtle Beach. I’d opt for the beach love. Instantly, the strike is over and it seems NPC did it. He calls Pilot Guy who quickly fashions a new nozzle. New Movie Mom calls Jake to tell him it’ll be on the bus in the morning and his father got it done. Jake is very pleased as he walks out into the night. And so are we. Cut to Jake giving his science fair talk with his new nozzle and his old blue eyes.

Now comes the exciting part, the prize giving at the end of the science fair. Everyone join hands like it’s a Coke advert. Some girl gets a medal and Jake politely claps. He watches her back to her seat. Oooh, look out Plainer Jane, you got competition. Now for First Prize. Jake has Dead Euro-Mining Guy’s token in his hand for luck. Cos it brought the Dead Guy loadsa luck. Everyone crosses their fingers and holds their breath. Holy shit Jake, he said your name! Well, not your name, but your characters name. Jake looks completely shocked as the guy reels off the names of the other Rocketeers, then his face splits into a big juicy grin. Everyone’s clapping, the world goes mad as he gets to his feet to receive his gold medal and have his photo taken like the red carpet star he is. People shake his hand and offer him scholarships, and riches, riches beyond his wildest dreams. Some German guy says well done. Someone else asks what the German guy said. Jake is suitably confused, until he is informed the German guy was none other than Jean-Claude Van Damme. All together now, Damme! Jake looks desperately around for his hero who is now lost in the crowds. It’s so tragic, like the time I had a chance to talk to Ross Townley on a night out, but by the time I had enough Dutch courage in me, he was gone. And I spent the rest of the night crying in the ladies room.

Cut to Jake returning home. Everyone’s there to meet him off the bus, going completely ape-shit. Pilot Guy, New Movie Mom, the Rocketeers. But not the one person he wanted to see, to finally get admiration and approval from. New Movie Mom says he’s not here - I already covered that love! She also says that Mrs Sam Neill’s taken a turn for the worst. He visits her in a hospital that looks more like a prison. She’s very impressed by his medal and the fact that all four of the Rocketeers have scholarships. I still maintain that Odell and Row-Lee have done little but turn up to deserve them. Well, Row-Lee did keep up moral with his car and his floppy haircut. But Odell, what did he do? Mrs Sam Neill says she’s going to show off to her new students about how she taught Homer Hickam. Wouldn’t Jake Gyllenhaal work better?

Jake gets New Movie Mom to drop him off at the mine to see NPC, who basically ignores him, even when Jake thanks him from the bottom of his little heart for sorting out the strike so he could get a new nozzle. He tells NPC they’re shooting off their last rocket at 5 o’clock. But Jake, Blue Peter’s on, you won’t get the crowd. NPC says he’s busy. As Jake walks off, NPC puts the boot in by saying “Hear you met your hero, and you didn’t even know it.” You know, would it be such a pity if there was another mining accident, even at this late stage of the film? Jake comes back and delivers the Oscar clip – he and NPC don’t see eye to eye on anything, but Jake wants to be somebody in this world, because they’re the same on the inside. Doctor Van Damme is a great scientist, but he’s not Jake’s hero. Give you three guesses who is Jake’s hero. That’s right. Music swells, not a dry seat in the house. NPC goes down the mine, watching Jake walk away, with something like pride in his eyes.

The last rocket is painted white with Miss Riley written on it. That’s nice. DA SHERMANATOR SETS DA FUSE while Jake fiddles with the detonator. The entire town has turned up, fresh from their trip to the bus station, except, of course that distant figure Jake so desperately wants to see. Jake gives the detonator to Row-Lee – bad mistake, like when they let the New Guy use the drill in The Day After Tomorrow – as he has to go and mingle with some girls. Susie Highschool skips over to say congratulations and starts to invite him out on a date but Jake only has eyes for that one girl in the crowd who has retrieved her sweater from Mrs Sam Neill. That’s right, Row-Lee. No, I mean Plainer Jane. That’s embarrassing Susie. She does in fact look burned and removes herself from the situation quick-sharp.

Jake, the hero of Coalwood, addresses his adoring fans. Someone tells him to get on with it. Keep your bloody knickers on, Jake’s waiting for that special someone to show up! Jake thanks the crowd for their help, even though the majority of them didn’t do anything, and tells the anecdote about blowing up his Mum’s fence. New Movie Mom makes a proud face at being in a soon-to-be-famous anecdote. He holds up his medal, saying “This is for Coalwood.” He dedicates the rocket launch to the people who supported them, to Dead Euro-Mining Guy, to Pilot Guy, to Mrs Sam Neill, to New Movie Mom and… Jake pauses, as if something has caught his eye in the distance. What could it be? Are the Russians attacking, right at the end of the film? HAVE DA SHERMANATOR’S ENEMIES TRAVELLED THROUGH TIME TO FIND HIM AND KICK HIS SHINY METAL BEEHIND? Or could it be…is it him…? “My Dad” says Jake as NPC pushes his way through the crowd to the front. We’ll ignore the pushing-in because it has made Jake, and the others at the JW Headquarters, so damn happy. New Movie Mom looks more surprised than anyone that NPC turned up and kisses him while everyone claps. I feel a song coming on…

Nope. Jake gives NPC the greatest honour a rocket geek can possess – the button to push on his last rocket. Awww. NPC looks shy but overwhelmed and Father and Son walk out to the rocket as the music builds – “It’s not time to make a change, just relax, take it slowly. You’re still young, that’s your fault, there’s so much you have to know” - and everyone finds their hankies. Row-Lee hands him the box and Jake starts the countdown from ten. Everyone joins in like it’s the finale of Annie. NPC still manages to look cranky as he pushes the button and Miss Riley rises into the air like Thunderbird 1. I spend some time rewinding and fast-forwarding this as a rocket going backwards is quite amusing. Anyway, NPC is finally, actually, impressed by what his son has achieved, shown through great acting of the open-mouthed variety. The camera pans over the awed faces of the Rocketeers as THE SHERMANATOR ANNOUNCES IT VILL GO FOR MILES. Let’s hope it doesn’t land in some flammable area and land you boys back in trouble. The crowd are suitably impressed but it doesn’t stop there. The guys at the grocery store stop to watch, the miners have a gander, and Mrs Sam Neill glimpses it from her sick bed.

NPC looks at Jake like he’s just seen him for the first time and is suitably bowled over. He raises his hand and for a second, I think he’s going to do like the Cheeky Girls and touch his bum. I’m about to scream something along the lines of “No-one’s allowed to touch him there except Plainer Jane and Heath” but he resists and his hand travels to the more natural Father and Son spot of the shoulder – “Find a girl, settle down, if you want you can marry. Look at me, I am old, but I’m happy”. Jake looks at the hand, then at NPC and they smile at each other, then return their gaze to the rocket that is still soaring through the Coalwood sky. Cut to a Cape Canaveral rocket taking off in all its glory and crowds clapping that. Fade to black.

According to the round-up that always follows a ‘Based on a True Story’ movie, we learn several things. From actual footage of the real people involved, we learn that the characters were all portrayed by actors. The Rocketeers graduated from college. Well, if Britpop and I managed it, it can hardly be rocket science. See what I did there? Honestly, I amaze even myself at times. DA SHERMANATOR, VEN HE IS NOT BATTLING SEXY ROBOTS FROM DA FUTURE, IS A CHEMICAL ENGINEER. Roy-Lee (that makes more sense that Row-Lee) is an automobile dealer and retired banker. O’Dell (with an apostrophe) is a rancher and owns an insurance agency. New Movie Mom’s real name is missing from my crappy widescreen TV but she retired to Myrtle Beach after her husband (aka NPC) died of black lung disease in 1976. Miss Riley (aka Mrs Sam Neill) died at the age of 31. In 1965, the mine was closed, the town sold off. Homer Hickam (aka Jake) became a NASA engineer and trained astronauts for Shuttle missions. We then get actual footage of one of their rockets going off, and it really is amazing to see that a couple of high-school boys created something so amazing. The film is based on the book ‘Rocket Boys’ by Homer H. Hickam Jr. That’s a lot of H’s.

Final thanks go to Hair Stylist Susan Mills for maintaining Row-Lee’s excellent hair-style, the Swing Gang, who sound like they’d be the most fun on a night out and Tomkats catering – no wonder we never saw Baby Suri, Katie and Tom were off running their burger van. Thanks also go to Jake, of course, to Frank Schuler who played ‘Moonshiner’, to Shirley & Lee for Let the Good Times Roll, my favourite song in the movie next to We’re Soaring! Flying!, and the Tennessee Valley Railroad, Chattanooga…Pardon me boy, is that the Chattanooga Choo-choo?

This review is dedicated to my Dad who has a bad back and is walking like John Wayne but still refuses to see a professional.

That’s all for now folks. Please take all your belongings with you when you leave because I am skint and will swap them for penny chews.

Friday, March 16, 2007


Jake and boobs in the same post! Surely not! Dear god, grandma, look away!
Remember how we asked Anne Hathaway to get Jake on the cover of Vanity Fair?
Well, she didn't. In fact, she's done nothing even like getting Jake on the cover of Vanity Fair but she did have the good grace to tell us an embrassingly fantastic ancedote about the Gyllenhaal when pressing the rounds for her new film Becoming Jane.

Thanks to the eagle-eyed forum goers who spotted the story and kokodee for finding the vid:
I'd also like to remind all UK viewers to watch Comic Relief and donate your hard earned cash because the rich celebrities are asking you too. Seriously, Ant and Dec are crying and Kate Thornton really needs this gig.

Thursday, March 15, 2007


We finally get some pictures from the set of Rendition and what's in the mix?
A suicide bomber?! Even we can't make that funny! There are some things forbidden to cross the humor line, and it would appear suicide bombers are one such topic. I'm assuming the serious nature of the filming that day is the only reason why got these exclusive pictures and not us. But, uh, we're totally getting exclusive pictures of our own someday! Yeah. Like, soon, or something. We're just, uh, you know, waiting on that guy. That guy who's going to get us those pictures...that are exclusive...

Yeah, we got nothing. Damned TDATND. Now everyone in the movie industry hates us.

Um, other things that may be humorous? Ha! Look at that flipped tie!
OK, that's not funny either. I'm sure this next one will give someone a good giggle, but really, these pictures are just no good for sarcasm. Don't these people realize it's hard enough to come up with this stuff during the best of times, without throwing a suicide bomber in there?! Good God.

Pictures from (in case the stamp didn't give it away...snort). For complete set, click HERE.


Jake, Jake, Jake. You just can't seem escape the superhero rumors! The newest one comes from the NY Daily News which cites you as first pick to play Captain Marvel in a movie with the unfortunate title Shazam! (exclamation point included). Reliable? Probably not. But we can explore the possibility anyway because, let's face, what the hell else are we going to do while you're in Africa? The same article brings up the pervasive Jake-as-Spider-man topic, but we'll get to that in a second. Let's take a look at some of your many superhero roles, some actual rumors, some pulled totally out of my ass.

1. The Obvious. Captain Marvel.
Upside: Attractive gold sash. Looks good on everyone!
Downside: You'd have to lose your neck. And possibly take steroids.

2. The Classic. Superman.
Upside: Cape!
Downside: Unavoidable Dean Cain comparisons.

3. The Masked. The Green Hornet (Batman was taking too long to Photoshop).
Upside: Mask! It could be kinky!
Downside: Attention-happy sidekick. He might be a scene-stealer with his judo moves.

4. The Persistent. Spider-Man.
Upside: Wow, I'm totally turned on by my own fabricated picture.
Downside: Two words: Tobey Maguire.

5. The Overlooked. Underdog.
Upside: I foresee minimal competition for the role.
Downside: I'm not sure how believable you would be as a dog. And those arm muscles may be difficult to duplicate in real life.

In actuality, I'm not sure why everyone is so concerned about you as a superhero when we already know exactly what you look like in Spandex.
On second thought, that's probably precisely why the rumors persist...

UPDATE: It's not true. Color me shocked. Thank you heddaparsons for the detective work!

Well, now that everyone has discussed this topic ad nauseum in the comments of the previous post, this may be a bit moot...except we were far overdue for some head transplants, so why the hell not?

Wednesday, March 14, 2007


Dear Anne,

First of all congratulations on your new* job. It must be an exhilarating experience to work in an adequate movie adaption of a fairly mediocre book with the cutest court shoes and co-ordinating jackets this side of Bloomingdales, but this is not why I write. Like us, Anne, you must be unequivocally interested in Jake Gyllenhaal's career, because you were in that movie that one time with him. Well, Annie (can we call you that?), we thought you might want to use your new* position for the 'greater good' by persuading Meryl Streep, aptly played by Cruella De Vil, to feature Jake on the front cover of Vanity Fair. Now, he's been on the inside but c'mon! This is Jake we're talking about. If 'Star Wars' can get it's own freaking front cover then surely the Jedi master of fangirls should be honoured!

I can picture some iconic image for this spread. Perhaps Jake clutching his naked stomach a la Demi Moore? Or how about him wrapped in an elephant's wearing nothing but beads and a tutu in homage to Goldie Horne? No wait!!! How about Jake huddled in Tom Cruise's bomber jacket like the great Suri before him? I'l leave it with you. Just FYI, you can do pretty much anything with Jake and it turns out hot.

Anyways, you got 48 hours to snap this bitch of an opportunity up or I'm taking it to America Ferrera at Mode.


Love Jake Watch.

*I was originally supposed to write this post in October 2006 when it totally would have made more sense and been 'topical' and shit but...whatever.

Tuesday, March 13, 2007


That is all.

(As I'm sure everyone is aware, there has been a bit of an overload of Jake activity going on lately. Quite frankly, there was far too much for Jake Watch to keep up with, so we may have to spend some time catching up and answering the tough questions, like the one I just posed.)

Monday, March 12, 2007


Can you please tell me what was so important that you felt it nessecary to lean over and talk to NW Magazine during my invaluable lecture entitled, How Jake Makes Usually Attractive Celebrities Look Less Attractive By Standing Next To Them. Yes, it was during the Heath Ledger segment of aforementioned talk that I noticed some giggling, note-passing and if I'm not mistaken, the use of a whoopee cushion. Do you think I was born yesterday? What is that?! Hold out your hands...give it to me...NOW.

Oh, I see. Childish. I spend near to three months in the jungles of Mexico and this is what I come back to? I hope you're thoroughly ashamed of yourselves. Now, I want you to write, 'Jake Gyllenhaal is not in a romantic relationship with anyone and never ever will be', 100 times in your Jake Watch Academy For The Arts Of Jake Gyllenhaal exercise book. And then get out of my sight...but seriously, Jessica Simpson's getting fat?

Sunday, March 11, 2007


There was a time when JW's Sunday was devoted to a little thing called 'The Sunday Project'. Unfortunately they ran out of ideas for that feature and hastily abandoned it, never to be mentioned again...until now. Well, we're still not doing it but will instead devote the following two Sundays to the rest of Anneka's October Sky review. We found it whilst rummaging in the archives and damn, it was too good to pass on.

For those of you who missed the first four parts (no, really, it's long) you can read them HERE (scroll down). But for those of you who can remember everything that happened, please continue reading...

Jake shows up at none other than Mrs Sam Neill’s house. She makes him some tea as we sit on the edge of our seat to find out what the hell is going on. Has her boyfriend knocked her up? Sam Neill won’t be pleased. I’ve just realised she seems to be wearing Plainer Jane’s cardigan. Wow, they were really on a budget. She tells us the boyfriend rumour was a lie. Phew, now Sam Neill won’t have to make some dodgy deal with Helena Bonham Carter after saving her from a bridge. Not sure anyone but my sister will get that reference, so let me know if you did. Jake wishes she did have a boyfriend. What is going on? Oh, she has Hodgkins, thank God someone finally said it and let the light of understanding shine down upon me. Jake asks if there’s anything he can do. Mrs Sam Neill is very good and does not take advantage of the fact that she is sick to get him to do the deed with her. Instead she apologises for being a bitch earlier when Jake quit school. She says she thought if the Rocketeers had gone to college, she would have done something worthwhile with her life. Jake looks sad that he let her down. God, she can’t help but make people feel guilty can she? She also says that Jake knows he wasn’t meant to end up in the mine. No, he’s going to be an actor lady. Don’t nobody tell him otherwise. She also says she’s proud of him, no matter what.

Jake’s lying in bed, thinking about Mrs Sam Neill guilt-tripping him. Some up-tempo music comes on as he gets out the book she gave him about rocket maths and starts doing calculations in his PJs. Aren’t you hot in them PJs Jake? Don’t you want to take them off and do calculations how God intended? Jake works until his alarm clock goes off and we see a pile of crumpled up paper at his feet. Seems Mrs Sam Neill was right when she said he wasn’t good at maths. We see Jake doing calculations at the miner’s lunch table, the table not mentioned in the Mean Girls cafeteria. At the end of the mining day, Jake hitches a lift. When he gets out, he asks directions from some kind of fifties prostitute – i.e. well-dressed but hanging around on a streetcorner. She points off into the darkness and watches him go, starting to imagine growing old with that handsome young miner, then rushing home to visit before remembering the internet hasn’t been invented yet, and that Britpop is only ten years old.

Jake reaches his destination – a rundown shack in the woods. Isn’t this how Wrong Turn started? A woman answers the door and it seems Jake is looking for The Shermanator. Jake is shown to a room where two kids are sleeping and The Shermanator is doing his homework. The Shermanator is probably surprised by the midnight visit from one of Hollywood’s hottest young actors but is cool enough not to show it. Instead, he gets very excited by Jake’s maths as it proves that their rocket didn’t start the forest fire. Yeah, I’d forgotten about that too. They get so excited that The Shermanator’s Mum nervously asks what they’re doing. No, it’s nothing like that Mrs Shermanator, they’re just two geeks sharing a nocturnal love of mathematics. Together, they start working out where their missing rocket landed and come to 1.2 miles. Good boys. The Shermanator shows Jake out, asking VILL YOU TELL DA OTHER ROCKETEERS WHERE I LIVE? What’s wrong with a shack in the woods near where the prostitutes hangs out where you gotta share a bed with nineteen of your siblings? Jake lives with a Nazi Plate Collector and a woman who’s not actually his real mother. That bird from The Day After Tomorrow is his real mother. Anyway, Jake says it doesn’t matter where The Shermanator hangs his hat, the Rocketeers still think he’s weird. And grins, as if that was a compliment. DA SHERMANATOR IS ALSO AMUSED. Jake says he’ll see him at dawn. DA SHERMANATOR ASKS IF HE HAS TO BE DOWN DA MINE. Jake grins again and says he doesn’t work there anymore. Oooh, I sense we have reached a turning point.

Jake and The Shermanator hook up – not like that - at the burnt out Cape Coalwood and with a bit of string, start measuring 1.2 miles. This takes them most of the day then they start looking for their rocket. At first there is no luck, and they stop to check the maths again when Jake gets a psychic message from The Weather Channel and starts thinking about wind-speed. He says if there was a wind that day, it would have taken the rocket…right there. He spots AUK IIIX ass-up in a stream. DA SHERMANATOR SAYS DAT IS PREDIGIOUS. I shrug and move on.

The two most dedicated Rocketeers who stayed up all night doing maths and then spent all day rocket hunting, arrive triumphant at Mrs Sam Neill’s class with the previously missing rocket. She looks suitably shocked and impressed. The Headmaster sees unruly students running down the hallway and goes to see what all the trouble is about. Guns, knives, pogs? No, just a rocket. Mrs Sam Neill says they didn’t start the fire. The Headmaster says Jake doesn’t belong in the classroom. You’re right, he belongs on the big screen where everyone can see him. And he also says the rocket doesn’t prove anything. He has a point but then Jake starts doing calculations on the board. The Headmaster, knowing Jake’s crappiness at maths, scoffs until he realises Jake is right. The class is looking pretty impressed, especially Plainer Jane who looks like “S=1/2at2” is the modern equivalent of “Oh Baby, take me right here on the desk.” DA SHERMANATOR ORDERS JAKE TO GED HIM, BEAT HIM OVA DA HEAD WITH YOUR RACKET. The Headmaster asks if you didn’t start that fire who did? What kind of a kangaroo court is this? “We can prove you didn’t do it but since we don’t know who else did it, you’ll have to keep the blame.”

Cut to a burned up rocket with collapsing fins on the end. DA SHERMANATOR SAYS IT IS INGENIOUS, thus proving that our Rocketeers didn’t make it. The Headmaster announces that it’s an aero-nautical flare that came from an airstrip. How does he know that? Gasp – he framed Jake! Nah, not really. Giving the boys a lift home, the Headmaster says Jake can come back to school to enter the science fair. Cheers go up throughout JW Headquarters. The boys are pleased, including Row-Lee who mis-pronounces prodigious. DA SHERMANATOR KILLS HIM DEAD.

Back in the basement, the Rocketeers are discussing rocket building when NPC comes down. Just like the old days. He seems unimpressed that his son has been cleared of starting a fire and is now up to his old pyrotechnic tricks and tells the others to get out. Just like the old days. EVEN DA SHERMANATOR IS AFRAID OF NPC and they leg it. NPC is pissed at Jake for missing work to play with rocket nonsense. He should have come up with some distant family member dying, that’s what I do. Or at least, what I would do if I had a job. Jake says it’s not nonsense. That’s what the Russians want you to think before they A-bomb the shit out of you. NPC says he’s been really proud of Jake these past few weeks and he wants Jake to have his job one day, and that would make him happy. The look on Jake’s face tells us he would not be happy with that. But then, NPC turns a corner and says Jake can play with his rockets – we’ve all established there are worse hobbies he could have, like chimp-fighting with knives - as long as he doesn’t miss work. The music builds as Jake says coal-mining is NPC’s life, not his and he’s not going back down there. NPC looks saddened, until Jake says he wants to go into space. Then he looks like he can’t believe he gave birth to a son that has delusions of space travel. Well, New Movie Mom gave birth to him - despite the presence of The Shermanator, this is not Junior. He stomps upstairs with a face like thunder. Jake is saddened that his relationship with his father has crumbled once again.

At the school, people are pulling out bleachers and putting out chairs. Holy shit, IT IS HIGH SCHOOL MUSICAL! Jake’s gonna get on the tables and sing something semi-catchy! Awww, no, it’s the day of the science fair. Before we can get our anticipation up to anywhere near the level it should be, we find out that they’ve already won. Everyone’s clapping, including Mrs Sam Neill and the Headmaster. Yes, and everyone at JW Headquarters, except Britpop who just went out for more gin and missed what’s going on. The Rocketeers sheepishly stand up and bask in their applause.

As they’re packing up their exhibit, Row-Lee says he thought the boy with the robot dog was going to win. What? There was a boy with a robot dog! Can I change my vote? The Headmaster asks which one of them is going to the state science fair. Jake promptly says all of us. The Headmaster says they can’t afford it. I think for a moment that this is going to take a Bring It On turn and the boys are going to do half-naked car-washes to raise the money for all of them to go. But no. Well I don’t think Row-Lee and Odell deserve to go as we have not seen them do any maths. And The Shermanator might go on a killing rampage, saying “Predigious” as he bashes people’s skulls in. So who does that leave? The Rocketeers look at one another, then Row-Lee says he’ll need a suitcase. Just as I’ve started penning my letter of complaint, he says he’s joking and that Jake should be the one to go. I couldn’t agree more.
At the mine, there appears to be some kind of union meeting where some guy is getting the miners all angry and ready to strike. One guy does not want to strike and looks sad as everyone else over-rules him. It’s all right mate, you can be a scab. Quick, someone get some rocks and a barrel full of fire and we’ll have ourselves a picket line outside the mine. Hey, that rhymes! At the Hickham house, NPC is bitching about the ungrateful strikers while Jake is looking for a big green suitcase. Let us cross our fingers it’s big enough to put The Shermantor, Row-Lee and Odell in, because you can’t have a party in Indianapolis without Row-Lee’s haircut. NPC is pissed off at Jake and won’t help him find his suitcase. NPC goes to the kitchen – maybe the suitcase is in there – but has to dodge a bullet flying through the window. It was probably Odell, angry that he’s not going to the science fair. No, seems it was some guy called Vernon from the strike. Jake tries to show concern but NPC tells him not to trouble himself. New Movie Mom is upset as the bullet has put a hole in her mural – again, ?. Jake gets all Hulked up and yells at NPC that it isn’t his fault, that the town is dying and he wants to get out while he can. They both yell GO at each other for a while, then Jake storms out, saying he’ll be gone forever. Another family Christmas at my house brought to the big screen.

Friday, March 09, 2007


I went into this movie biased. Not because Jake is in it, mind you, but because I did my high school term paper on Charles Manson and have ever since held a strange fascination for serial killers/mass murders who terrorized California in the late 1960's. No. For real. I'll start off by saying that I walked out of the theater in mild panic wondering how the hell I was going to do a snarky review of this film. I actually saw it for the first time several days ago and have been mulling it over ever since (and then got a second viewing in last night). I came to the conclusion that what I had to say wasn't all that amusing, so...serious post! It's unlikely to happen again, so revel in it.

I know a lot of you have months to wait before you see this. I can tell you right off that the information intake is overwhelming, both visually and aurally, so if you can wait, I'd strongly suggest that you not download this somewhere. I honestly believe the experience will be infinitely better on a big screen with surround-sound (and even at that, it's easy to miss things when there is so much to absorb). Also, out of respect for those outside the U.S., I'll keep this as spoiler-free as possible, although I'm hoping by now the general story is common knowledge, and thus I won't be giving away anything major (but if you're deadset against knowing any of the details, stop reading after the spoiler warning). For a more detailed discussion of Zodiac, I'd suggest going to the Jake Watch Forum.

I thought I'd start by telling you how to prepare yourself as a Jake fan for the experience, because I have a feeling some of you may like a heads up on what you're walking into.

First of all, I don't think you can see this movie for Jake. If he is the only reason you're seeing the film, I'd be surprised if you weren't mildly disappointed. Jake's character, Robert Graysmith, is a nerd. He's fidgety, he awkwardly "looms" over people's desks, he wears lots of clothes at all times, and, most importantly, his only apparent interest in the movie is the serial killer he is obsessed with. I don't know where "Jake Gyllenhaal" went while filming this, but he is nowhere to be found in this movie.

You may think that's painfully obvious, but I think a lot of us (myself included) have come to associate Jake the Person with certain traits in the characters he plays. I mean, come on. Am I wrong to say that Jack Twist + Donnie Darko = someone's idea of Jake Gyllenhaal? I say this because we see similarities in these characters and Jake himself and therefore come to expect certain things in Jake's performances which aren't seen in Zodiac. There is no trademark ear-to-ear grin, no shirtless scenes, no cocky self-confidence, and certainly not enough tongue action for anyone sitting in the audience and say, "yeah, that's when I drool over Jake Gyllenhaal...when I see that." There isn't much "that" in this movie. I think it is an enormous testament to Jake's acting abilities that he was so incredibly convincing in this role, but I'm envisioning lots of disappointed, "why couldn't there have been a sex scene?!" comments from fans emerging from the theater (oh, you know someone will say fact I'm pretty sure someone already did).

Secondly, Jake is the headliner, but his on-screen time-ratio is strictly proportional to his character's importance in the unfolding of the story. That is to say, he's in it a lot, but he's also not in it a lot. Which brings us to...

Thirdly, be prepared for lots of Mark Ruffalo. In my initial assessment, I'd say he has as much screen-time as Jake. So I would suggest that anything he has said off-camera about working with David Fincher, and how that did or did not coincide with what Jake has said about working with David Fincher, should be taken out of the equation. I think if you're concentrating only on when Jake will be on screen next, you'll find the movie long and ultimately unrewarding.

But go in open-minded, and this is a textbook example of the whole being greater than the sum of its parts.

That out of the way, the film itself was incredible. I've frequently said that I would be interested in this movie if Jake had not been in it and I stand by that (mainly on account of sentence #2 at the top there...I told you I wasn't kidding). I see a lot of movies and have overly-developed opinions on what I do or do not like in a film. For one, I don't mind being asked to think as long as the movie doesn't take itself too seriously, and I found Zodiac to be balanced perfectly for my tastes. This was serious subject matter, yes, but the film wasn't pretentious, it wasn't preachy, it wasn't overly analytical in the psychology of the matter (perhaps surprisingly because of the tagline, "There's more than one way to lose your life to a serial killer"), and it certainly wasn't dragged down by a lack of action. I never once wondered when it was going to be over, and in fact was a little surprised that it ended when it did. Having read the book, I already knew the plot, but still found myself held in suspense.

There is violence (unavoidable considering the subject matter) but the lack of gratuitous gore is admirable considering the gruesomeness of the murders themselves. The soundtrack is great. There were a few genuinely scary scenes, but I'd say the general vibe was much more towards "creepy" than "frightening." There is a lot of background noise in certain scenes, resulting in conversations that you might miss a word of two of. Surprisingly, though, this recurring quirk isn't annoying, but only makes everything seem that much more real. Because it almost is real. It's as close to the real thing as we're ever going to get.


So what was this movie? It was a damned convincing look at how the Zodiac murders can be linked to one man who, despite his gory track record, wasn't much of a criminal mastermind. In fact, it's amazing he wasn't caught. The movie leaves open the possibility (however remote) that the suspect in mind is not the killer, but it's doubtful anyone leaving the theater will think otherwise. But in the end, the result of "solving" the Zodiac case is inconsequential compared to the method it took to get there. Any way you look at it, Zodiac won. Not only did he quite literally get away with murder, he drug down several highly intelligent individuals, invading their lives to the point of obsession and destruction. The question remains whether or not the Zodiac knew that he had such far-reaching influence. Taunting the police (and the public) was obviously a favorite pastime, but it's hard to say if he did it purely for his own personal glory, or if he was aware of the level of madness he was instilling in those working to catch him.

One of the most chilling scenes is when the suspect is interviewed at his workplace and the clues fall so perfectly into place that it's almost painful to sit there knowing he will get away. By the time he does inevitably get off the hook, you are just as frustrated as David Toschi (played by Mark Ruffalo) to have hit a wall. Similarly, when Graysmith (some dude named Jake) starts putting the pieces together while researching his book, his enthusiasm is infectious.

Obviously a few liberties had to be taken when translating Graysmith's book onto the big screen. In one way, I found the movie more affecting since I was able to literally watch the key figures evolve as the Zodiac case progressed. I also found that some of the added personal details about the characters' lives made their descent into obsession all the more fascinating. For obvious reasons, many details were left out...but it didn't matter. The bulk of the story is there, displaying some strange harmony between the presentation, so convincing it's like looking back in time, and the actual drama, so outrageous it's difficult to believe these events ever happened. It's an extraordinary story portrayed in an extraordinary way.

Having asked people who had read the book beforehand against those who hadn't, I found that no one was complaining of difficulty in following the storyline. The length of the movie inevitably led to a couple of awkward edits (the two that come to mind are the scene in which the man finds the lake victims - my initial thought was that he was the Zodiac killer showing uncharacteristic remorse, although I quickly realized my mistake - and the scene in which Paul Avery - Robert Downey, Jr. - goes to Riverside to meet an informant, since the meeting itself is not shown on screen, but only the before and after).

The murder victims may at first seemed downplayed, but I don't think there's any question that the film is about the Zodiac's other victims. There is nothing about the aftermath of the killings that isn't disturbing, and you are left with a sense of confusion as to how anyone could create such a destructive ripple effect, especially someone so seemingly inadequate to pull off the task.

One thing I noticed was the repeated mention of the Zodiac killer being obsessed with movies, down to the point of vocalizing his desire to have one made about him. It was a detail I remembered from the book but didn't think would be included in the screen version for obvious reasons. As it turned out, it posed the movie's most interesting question: Are we still being played by the killer? The Zodiac sent his first letter to The San Francisco Chronicle decades ago, and yet here he is back again, still being discussed, and not just by police and newspaper reporters. His crimes and his communications have entered into the cultural consciousness to such a degree that here I sit, writing about them on a fanblog for an actor who wasn't even born at the time. In some bizarre, twisted way, this movie has become the final chapter for the Zodiac killer, because he finally got the film (and subsequent cultural longevity) that he always wanted.

So PG officially gives it two very enthusiastic thumbs up, for the entertainment value, for the stimulating subject matter, and for inspiring a very atypical Jake Watch post. Oh, and don't worry. There are plenty of close-ups and the digital clarity is amazing. ;)

P.S. In the competition for the Award for Most Movies Made with Jake Gyllenhaal, John Carroll Lynch is in it to win.

This movie review is dedicated to Nick, who saw this with me and, despite having only met me once before, marched proudly into the theater wearing an "I'm stalking Jake!" button. Way to go, Nick!! But before that winds up on the cover People Magazine, I can assure you he doesn't belong to me. ;) Oh, and also to my parents for buying my ticket for the second viewing. :D

Picture courtesy of my press badge.

Wednesday, March 07, 2007


And not the other way round.
"Oh, you live at B19? No...I was just, erm, waiting for my friend. He said he'd be back soon...yeah, he just went out for er...celery. What's his name? Um, Roland. Yeah, Roland Povonaski. Roland from Poland we call him. Hahahaha! Where does he live? Not here? Oh, it must be C19! My you like celery? No? (Pause) Have you seen my new film Zodiac?"

This picture did come accompanied with an article from AM New York.
Actor Jake Gyllenhaal inhabits his character, a real-life journalist who's on the trail of a serial killer, in 'Zodiac'. Read more...

Tuesday, March 06, 2007


OMG, OMG, OMG, OMG, OMG!!!!! SQUEEEEEEE!!!! I was, like, reading the paper, OK. No, really! I read! So, I was, like, reading, right? And I flipped open to this one page and I almost, like, passed out right there on the floor because I saw the name "Jake G," like, right there in the middle of the page. OMG, breathe. Breathe. So, I was, like, OMG, I, like, have to read this article right now! Right? Like, right now. So I read it, and I swear to Gawd, I, like, almost fell over dead right there.

HERE it is.

JAKE BUYING UNDERWEAR!!! JAKE, LIKE, FREAKING STANDING IN A STORE BUYING FREAKING UNDERWEAR?!?! Can you believe he, like, buys underwear?!?!?!?!??! I would die. OMG. Just thinking about, like, what I would do if I was in the store, makes me want to die. And if I was there, I would die. I would, like, fall over dead. And DIE! Just thinking about him, like, holding underwear in his hands, like, makes feel all light-headed and stuff. Like, underwear that he might actually put on. OMG. I gotta stop. I'm, like, dead. No, but one more thing, because I, like, got on the computer and found a picture of the store. Are you ready? I mean, are you, like, really ready, because you are going to die once I show this to you. OMG, this is the store where Jake G was buying underwear:


Editor's Note: Yes, this is the same Kitty Fangirl as starred opposite Jake Gyllenhaal in the winter hit of 2007, The Day After Tomorrow Never Dies. As I'm sure is becoming clear, PG took some liberties with her character when committing Kitty to paper...much as she did everyone else in the film. Kitty seems kinda...flakey or something. But we're going to let her blog for us every now and again anyway.


So yeah, Jake Watch was getting a little tetchy that practically everyone in the world has now met Jake apart from us, the people who really matter. We thought about faking an encounter that involved a Jack Daniels induced evening at a $6 Motel and a plastic pink flamingo lawn ornament but no, we just couldn''d want pictures. So, we did the next thing, we managed to persuade LA based journalist, Liane Bonin, who has met Jake on many an occasion to give us a little personal perspective on the man that is Tobey, Jake Gyllenhaal! You may need turn up your squee-o-meter.

The first thing I noticed about Jake Gyllenhaal? He’s tall. Surprisingly so. In Hollywood, you get used to lowering your expectations. An actor who stands forty feet tall on the big screen is invariably 5 foot 6 in person, pumped up on celluloid by clever cinematography and co-stars with poor posture.

But Jake isn’t like those shrinking stars. When I first met him at the Sundance Film Festival, I was taken aback when he stood up, all six feet of him unfolding from a wooden chair in the crowded restaurant. He was wearing a white cotton shirt, looking like a neatly pressed college student (which, at the time, he was).

Most actors his age would have tried to play it cool, affecting an air of boredom while mumbling answers to the most basic questions. Jake was a child of Hollywood parents, but he had none of the usual snotty rich kid attitude. He was not only polite, but serious. Said excuse me, please, and thank you. As the din in the room escalated, he leaned forward to hear every question, those dark eyebrows furrowing in thought. He was smart, too. He knew a lot about directing, about writing, even said those were things he wanted to do himself someday. I had no doubt he could, too.

He was talking about the movie he had come to the festival to support, a little movie featuring a gigantic rabbit that sounded pretty bizarre (Donnie Darko, who knew?), but I couldn’t stop thinking about the earnest, idealistic kid in October Sky. There aren’t many actors who exude sincerity without a script, who you’d expect to help a little old lady across the street even when a photographer wasn’t around to memorialize it. But Jake seemed like he’d come to Grandma’s aid in a heartbeat.

“What a great guy,” I thought. “Hope he stays that way.”
The truth is, it’s hard to hold on to your better self when celebrity gets in the way. I’ve seen a lot of young actors change as their fame grew to overwhelming proportions, becoming conceited or jaded or so self-absorbed they seemed unaware of the world outside the Chateau Marmont. I had high hopes for Jake, though. He seemed too solid to fall prey to the teen actor cliché.

He didn’t disappoint. By the time The Day After Tomorrow was released, Jake was regular tabloid fodder (thanks to his relationship with Kirsten Dunst), and he’d won the role of heartthrob du jour in a big action movie. He could have developed a swagger in his step, that bored cool guy attitude. But he was, amazingly, still the normal guy with the slightly embarrassed smile. He was a little older, his face a little leaner, but there was still that endearing, boyish quality to him.

He still said please and thank you. He still furrowed his brows when he listened, leaning in, giving his full attention. He was still the same old Jake. And that was a very good thing
Our thanks to Liane for indulging us with the Gyllengoodness. Please visit Liane HERE and HERE for more info on her career, projects and first novel Celebrity Skin.

Monday, March 05, 2007


Well, we can interpret the numbers as creatively as we want, but we can't change the fact that Zodiac somehow landed itself at number 2 at the box office...right between two motorcycle flicks. Yes, William H. Macy in a biker comedy made 3 times as much as Jake Gyllenhaal investigating a serial killer over the weekend. I think Jake's expression above adequately reflects Jake Watch's official stance on this development.

To Jake, I say, pal, I know you're probably a little disappointed, having spent all those countless hours (days) making an awesome movie that you maybe thought would be seen by a few more people. Well, I've been there. From my loads of experience courtesy of the month of February, all I can say is relish in the fact that you got paid. :)

To Paramount, I say, I told you not to go up against me, fools! And stop banning me from your studios. I can assure you The Day After Tomorrow Never Dies was never number 2 at the box office.

And to Jake Watch in general, I say, The Official Review is coming...

(I'm all about the hype.)

Picture from IHJ.

Sunday, March 04, 2007


Jake was on The Today Show with Robert Graysmith, I can't remember now, I've lost all track of time. Friday? It can be viewed HERE. It's not really that fascinating but..."This is a movie about a different type of unresolved cadance...but that is the end of a lot of music..." YES! Gyllenbaffle!

Friday, March 02, 2007


Dear Jake,
Remember days and days and days ago when you called me up, personally, yourself, and you said, "PG, I know you are currently being held in a Mexican prison by Ed Marrakesh but let's face it. I can't make my own Hollywood premiere and by God, if someone has to show up in my place, it might as well be britpopbaby. But she doesn't want to go, so how about you?" And remember how I said, "Yes, I will temporarily break out of my holding cell to do this for you but Paramount isn't going to like it because The Day After Tomorrow Never Dies has already wiped off the map any chance of Zodiac being successful?"

I thought now would be a good time to give you an update.

OBVIOUSLY learning that I was en route to the premiere, Paramount decided to cancel the public event, presumably while I was somewhere over the Grand Canyon. I must admit the sneak attack worked and I was caught, shall we say, unawares. It was low to go to all that trouble just so that all my adoring fans wouldn't get to see me walk the red carpet, but I've now learned that those Paramount bastards will stop at nothing.

Seeing the crisis at hand, Agent Katie (whom you may remember from the BAFTA's a few weeks back and already stationed in LA for this particular assignment) used her impressive resources to secure us tickets to an advance screening of Zodiac. Over breakfast at Urth Cafe, I laughed heartily to think how the studio execs would react when they found out I was not only going to see the movie, but going to see it a day earlier than everyone else. Ha ha ha.

Around 4:00 pm, shortly after the arrival of Agent Dani, it was learned that Paramount was, suspiciously, hosting an "invite-only" screening of Zodiac at 6:30 where the stars were sure to show up. Interesting. It looked like our viewing would have to be put off, mainly because I'd already spent $3.50 to buy a copy of Esquire magazine with Robert Downey, Jr. (Celebrity Agent) on the cover and another $1.99 for a Sharpie.

Dani narrowly avoided breaking the sound barrier and got us to the Paramount lot in record time. She used her agent wiles to talk us into the gates, but we had to go right back out again because the red carpet was actually at the entrance down the road and also because we were only let in to turn around and the guards probably had guns. We found a parking spot down the street and walked over to stand in line with the paparazzi this blog admires so sincerely. The security guard at this (correct) entrance was slightly less pleasant than the first guard, and he yelled at me when I tried to take a picture of the red carpet. See, I was standing on the driveway and apparently it was important that I stay on the sidewalk at all times. But he didn't realize that you had asked me to be there, so I tried not to hold it against him.

From the sidewalk, though, I was able to get a nice shot of the setup:
The man on the left was the one who yelled at me, so feel free to have him fired. There was nothing to do then but eavesdrop on the paps. One of them hated Oprah (I knew these people weren't human) and there was the repeated lament that you weren't going to be there. I heard one woman (I kid you NOT) say, "But he went to the one in Tokyo! Oh, wait, that was Spider-man 3. Never mind."

At 5:30, the paparazzi were let in, but their names were on a list and they had to be cleared by photo ID, so unfortunately I was unable to get into the press area, even though my paparazzi skills are clearly above being questioned. (Example.) Fine. Whatever. Who wants to get close to a bunch of celebrities who aren't you (even though your sister was on the guest list)? If we had to stand on the sidewalk, we would stand on the sidewalk.

So we stood on the sidewalk. Until someone came out and told us we couldn't stand on the sidewalk but had to stand down by the street where we could see nothing. A non-JW operative met up with us although he seemed to know about the blog. It's possible he was just being polite, but I'd like to think that my international fame has reached such a height that even non-Jake (Watch) fans (poor, misguided souls) both recognize and adore me.

Once reaching the quarantined section of the sidewalk outside the Paramount gates, we were joined by Rachel, who actually did know who I was. Which was awesome. So I gave her a button.
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A few more of your fans showed up. There were probably about 15 of us altogether, mostly there for you, which was a little sad since you weren't there. A random woman with blond hair rolled down her window as she cruised by and reaffirmed for the billionth time you weren't going to show up and were already back in Africa. I was like, "Bitch, please. They all know that! They're here to see me." OK, no I didn't.

The arrivals continued and the sun went down so it was really cold. I spend a lot of time standing outside in the cold for you, it seems. Someone claiming to be Mark Ruffalo's brother came sauntering off of the Forbidden Sidewalk and told us you were going to be there and then took pictures of some of your fans. Not me, though, because I wasn't really paying attention and also I wasn't sure it was really Mark Ruffalo's brother, especially since I knew more about your whereabouts than he did.

Other than that, it was mostly lots of standing in the cold watching cars with tinted windows go by. I may or may not have been able to make out the blurry figure of Emmy Rossum in the distance (OK, an exiting pap had to identify her for us). Was that Robert Downey, Jr.? Who the hell knows? I didn't bring binoculars. I don't know if your sister showed up. I know that's not very agently of me, but I told you this was a bad idea. I knew Paramount wasn't happy with me, but I didn't know they were going to ban me from being inside the gates.

When it was finally over and I had succumbed to low-level hypothermia, the paps exited and I got a press badge off one of them (and took it back to the hotel and took a picture of it on a towel):
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As it turned out, though, most of the paps were total assholes and almost no one else got a press badge because they "couldn't" give them away, or they "collected" them, or (more frequently) they didn't feel it necessary to acknowledge the few frozen people left on the sidewalk. So all in all, it was a really fun chance to interact with other people who enjoy Bubble Boy...but maybe next time you should come with me.

Headed back to the jungle...
Prophecy Girl

P.S. I guess this means I won't be seeing Zodiac until I leave LA now. I have friends here who think I came to see them or something. I know. Like, what the hell, right? But I can assure you that when I see it, it'll get a seriously kick-ass review on Jake Watch.
P.P.S. I put up a picture of us in the forum! It's way better than any sketchy piece you get off Mark Ruffalo's brother.

Thursday, March 01, 2007


Jake was on Jon Stewart which was great and then he was at the NY Zodiac Premiere, also great. But karma hates us which is not great.

Just Jared has the whole freakin' thing again HERE.
Number Six just got the 'There is more than one way to lose your life to a killer' tagline. More to come later.