THE AS-IT-HAPPENS SNL RECAP

When Jake goes live, so do we! Let's hope this goes better than the last time I tried this. I was three days into the job (was I ever so young?) and Jake was presenting at the ESPY's. Don't remember? Yeah, me either, and I wrote the damned thing. Apparently it was controversial, though. What I do remember is the endless discussions across the internet about how "inaccurate" my recap was. Dudes, embrace the novelty of the live posting! If I had a photographic memory on top of all my other stellar attributes, I wouldn't even be human.

So here's how this is going to work: After each sketch, this post will be updated with a quick summary. No instant replay, it's all as it happens and written during commercial breaks. I kind of envisioned half of Europe staying up all night to follow this with me, but since we didn't tell anyone I was going to do this, I'm guessing it'll just be a few West Coasters who don't care about spoilers. If that.

Annnnnd here we go! (Thanks to veeveevee for getting these on YouTube for us!!)

Opening Sketch: Unimportant because Jake's not in it. But I might as well write something while we're waiting for him. Heh. It's George W. three days after his address to America. Man, making fun of the President is always hilarious...but we're really starting off in top form here; 75 million troops to Iraq! Ha!

Opening Monologue: It's Jake! Suit, blue shirt...looking quite studly. And then...HE SINGS! IN A WIG! AND A DRESS! (Check out those arms.) And that boy can SING, baby! Gay cowboys sway in the audience...you gotta see it to believe it.

Watch it HERE.

Sketch 2:
Summary: Deep House Dish (a recurring skit with fictional musical guests of the European techno variety). Jake plays a guest, and there's more singing! Crazy dancing! Even crazier accent! And some unauthorized fondling of Amy Poehler.
Tongue action (y/n): I don't think so, although it definitely showed up in the monologue.
Socks visible (y/n): Alas, no.
On a scale of 1-10: 9 for the accent alone.

Watch it HERE.

Commercial break.

Sketch 3:
Summary: Bronx Beat (fictional talk show). Jake plays Frank O'Connor, the author of a book on mountain biking (heh), and the hosts can't get over how adorable he is.
Tongue action (y/n): I should pay more attention if I'm going to answer this every time.
Socks visible (y/n): Nope.
On a scale of 1-10: 8 for the excellent green jacket and the smiling.

Watch it HERE.

Sketch 4:
Summary: Donald Trump talks "The Apprentice" and rags on Rosie O'Donnell.
Tongue action (y/n): N/A
Socks visible (y/n): N/A
On a scale of 1-10: 0 for complete lack of Jake.

Commercial break.

Sketch 5:
Summary: Jake is on a date at a restaurant where the "food is cool." Jake's "cool meatballs" wear sunglasses, play music, and smoke. Jake doesn't know whether to eat them or "ask them to make a mix tape." Seriously, who comes up with this shit?
Tongue action (y/n): Dammit, I failed again.
Socks visible (y/n): Definitely no.
On a scale of 1-10: 10 for Jake actually cracking up and meatballs wearing shades.

Watch it HERE.

SNL Digital Short:
Summary: "Political take" on Laser Cats! Bill Hader and Andy Samberg are hilarious as usual, and Jake is the nefarious villain, Dr. Scientist. Complete with a really bad mustache (ha!) and dressed in aluminum foil. He's unfortunately killed with a Laser Cat.
Tongue action (y/n): No.
Socks visible (y/n): If so, they were foil.
On a scale of 1-10: 10 for Jake's "evil laugh."

Watch it HERE.

Sketch 6:
Summary: "Stock Footage Awards." Jake accepts award for "Obese People on a City Street." Look at his hair!
Tongue action (y/n): No.
Socks visible (y/n): No.
On a scale of 1-10: 7 for the awesome wig.

Watch it HERE.

Commercial break.

Musical Guest...The Shins! Nicely introduced, Jake. I didn't know there was a chick in the band! Man, I like lived off The Shins back in college. "Kissing the Lipless?" Anyone? No?

Commerical break.

Weekend Update
Usually my favorite portion of the evening, but tonight, I can't be bothered. 10 minutes without Jake? Whatever shall I do? Hey, wanna know a bit of Jake Watch trivia? The Bubble Boy Rap was originally the Brokeback Mountain Rap and I wrote half of my portion before we switched movies. A sample:

"But Ennis, he's a virigin, yeah he's drunk now sure,
Can't go up to sheep, can't get up off the floor,
Forty winks and a blanket he thinks'll do the trick,
But he's in the tent now, hand down on Jack's OH!

First night in the tent! First night in the tent!

Fo' shizzle.

It's a one shot thing, that's what they say the next day,
'Cause this thing going on, don't mean those mothafuckas's gay!
The second night, "it's alright," is what Jack say to Ennis,
'Fore he lay them both down and they get down to business.

Second night in the tent! Second night in the tent!"

And then fill in the part apart Aguirre kicking them off the mountain.

"He's got his mind on his money, money on his mind,
But Jack's a hell of a distraction when he shows his behind."

And that's as far as I got.

If the evening weren't going so well, I'd say something about how they should be using our raps, but really, Jake's on fire. He should host every week.

Commercial break. Oooh, looks like Jake'll be blonde this time around.

Sketch 7:
Summary: "Law and Order Master Class." Jake is the star student and does a seriously impressive run of "finding the body" scenes.
Tongue action (y/n): No.
Socks visible (y/n): No, but awesome shoes.
On a scale of 1-10: 9 for faux drinking and the "Law and Order" bum-bum.

Watch it HERE.

Commercial break.

Sketch 8:
Summary: Party, Jake and Maya Rudolph set up two people in wheelchairs.
Tongue action (y/n): No.
Socks visible (y/n): No.
On a scale of 1-10: 11 for "You need a witness for the wedding or something?" and "WHAT?" "NO!!" and "Dude, I didn't even know you were in a wheelchair!"

Watch it HERE.

Commercial break.

More Shin action!
Jake introduces them wearing a shirt saying "Ramona." Aw, Uncle Jake!

Sketch 9:
Summary: Lawyer ad. Jake has some ridiculous twitch.
Tongue action (y/n): No.
Socks visible (y/n): No.
On a scale of 1-10: 6 for being way too short.

Watch it HERE.

And it's over! Overall, Jake was one of the best hosts I've ever seen and I'm not just saying that because I'm horribly biased. Well done! Now, as you can imagine, I've been invited to the after party, so I gotta run...