Wednesday, April 25, 2007

OMG, I HAVE THE BEST IDEA EVER!

Dear Jake,
So how are you? Besides sad that I rarely write posts to you in letter form anymore? I know. But we've been so busy lately debating the merits of your enviously large pool of assumed sexual partners that you've sort of been put on the back burner of late. Sorry about that. If it's any consolation, I'm of the mindset that if it's not me, I can't be bothered.

Anyway, I was sitting around reading a copy of The Guardian, which britpopbaby dutifully air-mails to me once a week on the off-chance that there's an interview with you inside, when lo and behold! There was an interview with you inside! I was particularly interested to see that, being the kindred, mid-twenties, lefty, opinionated spirits that we are, we shared a similar idealogical confusion over Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton. Which one is more in tune with our political views? Which one should we give $20 to (your campaign contribution will possibly have more zeros than mine)? Which one is more likely to make Stephen Colbert's Threatdown?

So I'm sitting there thinking, 'hey, I know Jake's from California where they're all "progressive" and shit, but those of us from the South know an uphill political battle when we see one. What we need is a Democratic candidate who is so utterly wholesome and baggage-free that the American people will literally run to the polls just for the opportunity to vote for this person.'

What we need is Jake Gyllenhaal. President Jake Gyllenhaal. (Sample campaign poster below.)


I see only one minor flaw in this scenario and that is that you are not technically eligible to be President. According to lawkids.org, the President must be a) a natural-born citizen; b) at least 35 years of age; and c) have lived in the U.S. for at least 14 years. It's that second qualification that might prove difficult. This is where your acting skills and a professional make-up team come into play. We know from Brokeback Mountain that you can be aged to look up to 39 years of age, years beyond the required minimum. Hey, I'd totally be willing to vouch that you were born sometime in the early 1970's. I'm known some circles to be at least semi-trustworthy. Look, if you don't tell, I won't tell. I really don't think we should let the Constitution slow us down on this one.

I'm so sure that you're going to agree to this plan that I've not only coined your slogan ("Jake in 'o8!") but I've also made up a bumper-sticker-ready logo:
In addition, I've preemptively appointed myself as your Chief of Staff for when the day comes. I figure britpopbaby can be your speechwriter and head up the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms so that she can immediately rid the world of the latter two. I've also decided your campaign song should be "This Is Why I'm Hot" by Mims because you told everyone you wrote it that one time you were on MTV. Excellent campaign move. The younger voters will love a gangsta President.

Any objections? Didn't think so. The first Democratic candidate debate is tonight in South Carolina, but don't worry! I've already signed you up and made out some notecards on the more important issues. See you tonight. Over and out!

Prophecy Girl
White House Chief of Staff (what? too soon?)

P.S. If you're interested in other exercises in democracy, try polling HERE (San-Fucking-Jaya?! Come on!) and petitioning HERE (seriously, if you haven't signed this yet, you should be ashamed of yourself...and then you should sign it).
P.P.S. Hey, McGraw-Hill. If you want me to write a book on U.S. Government, you just say the word. I'd be all over that bitch.

32 comments:

only1annabel said...

I love the campaign idea, the Gyllenhaal would make a great president. Alas I'm not a U.S citizen so would not be eligible to vote but I'd certainly be willing to help out with the campaign over here on Brtish soil if it was required of me!
I also really want a bumper sticker for the car I don't have!!

call me cherita said...

PG, that poster is so fab that it might be worthy of a new t-shirt, no? ;)

Seriously, though, everyone knows that politicians trade their souls for clout and status. I would never want to see that happen to Jake. But maybe he wouldn't have to...with his powers of seduction, he might be able to convince even the soulless to do the right thing, just by giving them that look.

Marina said...

I'd definitely support him for Prez! That's the best idea anyone's had about the upcoming election yet - so what about the age thing? Gyllenhaal in 2008! Oh I'd love a t-shirt. :)

get real said...

Jake is in NYC! Looking really, really good!! The beard is back! ;p

Anonymous said...

Love the idea of Political Jake, PG.Is there any age limit on VICE President??? Bcz I think Jake would make a better Vice than a President...at this particular time.

joycedavenport said...

OMG! Jake in '08 is inspired. Also don't you have age discrimination laws over there?

We just got some in the UK
(I will so be suing if I get any cheeky cards at work for my fiftieth in far too few weeks time).

I think as well as the make up thing we could mount a challenge to the constitutionality (is that a word?) of that provision on the grounds of age discrimination. I would come out of retirement to be Chief Justice. OK so I 'm not American- no problem I'll challenge the constitutionality of that as well. Supreme Court here we come!

PG you are a genius.

Prophecy Girl said...

Joyce! You have the best ideas! Supreme Court case = big publicity = skyrocketing poll numbers. Plus, the added bonus of rewriting the law books. Brilliant. I'm officially hiring you as the "Jake in '08!" legal counsel.

joycedavenport said...

Oh well- I did try to give up my exciting online life- but you got me good girl.

Drafting the petition right now...

Seriously if you guys must elect actors it has to be Jake rather than Ronnie or Arnie. At least when we did it it was Glenda Jackson.

(There I go showing my age again).

Anonymous said...

This is fabulous! Hilarious!

britpopbaby said...

Oh god, now we're going to have the whole 'First Lady' debate. Either Reese dumps those kids or we'll have to throw a wig and frock on Austin.

theshowerlady said...

joycedavenport, U R my idol, and I want you to know, having passed that threshold a couple of months ago, it is not nearly as painful as one might think. Take vitamins, exercise, get lots of sleep, no smoking, drink water, olive oil (yes a tablespoon every day!), no red meat and forego distilled spirits in favor of red wine (Alcohol ages you!). Maintain a good weight, dye your hair and use proper creams and lotions on your face. Watch your posture! Shoulders back, chin up! Now. Tell me you don't look at least ten years younger!

Anonymous said...

OT; From Fox.com: A Maggie and Jake sighting:

But at Carter’s Waverly Inn last night: Brother and sister Jake and Maggie Gyllenhaal were dining together in one corner, while Harvey Weinstein and designer/girlfriend Georgina Chapman ate an after-theater meal with “Talk Radio” star Liev Schreiber and pregnant girlfriend, Naomi Watts.

Anonymous said...

OMG! BPB is right! We absolutely have to resolve the "First Lady" issue. Personally, I think Jake should be our playboy bachelor President. I think he should do multiple "First Ladies." Well, not DO them, per se, but different ones for different occasions. And actually Maggie, Naomi and Ramona should stand in. And he could appoint Stephen, Director of the National Endowment for the Arts and then we can all get
funded! Think of how cool Washington, D.C. and the whole world would be if Jake were President!!! In fact, I think you guys need a follow up campaign thread ASAP:If Jake Were President.

KayDee said...

PG, couldn't you run for vice-presidency? The Gyllenhaal-ProphecyGirl tandem would be invincible

Anonymous said...

Think of how cool Washington, D.C. and the whole world would be if Jake were President!!!

The coolest! :)

Nothing Really Matters said...

Oh darling you’ve out done yourself this time PG! However I’m thinking I might run for the position of Presiden! I know you’re all shocked! But hey I think “Pussy for President” has a better ring to it!Or I could take up another role?

PG darling I hope you’ve not got yourself another bok deal with out me!

Prophecy Girl said...

^^^ Darling, what have you heard? :)

WHY did I not think to put myself on the ticket as VP?! Son of a bitch. This is what I get for organizing an entire Presidential campaign the night before the debates.

veeveevee said...

Perhaps we can change the Constitution so that the age can be lowered to 26?

Jake - the write-in candidate.

P.S. Agent Vx3 volunteers to be Jake's BODY guard!!

britpopbaby said...

I see PG as masterminding the whole thing from 'Behind the Scenes'. VP is a more 'puppet' job - I vote Robert Downey Jnr. Exciting, contraversial but shorter than Jake, so it'll work well on TV.

Anonymous said...

I think having two hot guys on the ticket is a good idea!!!!!I also like the idea of Bachelor President Jake. As I see it, Robert appears to be happily married and close to his son. That is a serious problem, if you do the bacheor theme. OTOH, it might be OK. But if you decide to find Jake a first lady, may I reccommend Drew Barrymore? Everyone loves Drew, Jake and Robert! How could they not win!@!!Here we have three people with tremendous universal appeal, no matter you age, sexual perference or gender. Ohhhh! I really like this!

Anonymous said...

The Waverly Inn is the chic newish restaurant (Opened last year) that Graydon Carter, Vanity Fair Magazine's top man is the owner.
Heath was also spotted in town the day before.

call me cherita said...

Ooh, BritPop, if RDJ became VP, I might actually start watching C-SPAN!

(my fellow Merkins will know what that is)

Can you imagine the two of them together in campaign press? They couldn't lose. Even right-wing fanatics can't be completely immune to that level of charm...can they?

Anonymous said...

If the Right Wing is disappointed enuf, they will stay home and not vote. They are very sensitive that way. They become sad easily.I reccommend we send all the Right Wingers a Life Time Membership in the ACLU and one for Greenpeace compliments of THEIR candidate. The week before the election we have Lance Bass and TR Knight co-sponsor a special event for the Right Wing candidate. On Election Day itself, we will sponsor a special NASCAR race with all the Right Wing's favorites driving. No one will leave their TV sets long enough to vote.

Prophecy Girl said...

The debate is on now and Jake has NOT shown up. We're not off to a great start. But I totally back a Gyllenhaal/Downey, Jr. ticket! And then, as BPB said, I can run the country from behind closed doors. There are absolutely no flaws in this plan.

Anonymous said...

I love the idea of Jake running for President (screw the age requirement!). If for no other reason than to experience the introduction of Gyllenbaffle (or, Gyllenbabble) to those stuffy, boring, superficial "official" tv debates.
Now THAT would be worth watching....

Anonymous said...

If the guy in Iran, and the guys in Iraq, and the guy in North Korea, and those guys in Darfur and Somalia were ever exposed to the Gyllenbaffle, they would all surrender! Totally. We would, like, have World Peace.Plus.Jake would be on TV almost every single day doing cool stuff and he'd wear a tux at least once a week for those White House social functions. And Maroon 5 would play for all the parties. I cannot wait.To demonstrate how strong he is on National Defense, could we use this very dramatic, powerful picture of him...from Jarhead. Standing out there, alone, the night sky lit with explosions, Jake posed/poised rifle in hand, that cute little red hat, that gleaming, rippling, naked torso...

call me cherita said...

^^^I'm suddenly feeling very patriotic!

Anonymous said...

Completely squee worthy pictures at IHJ of Jake pushing Ramona's stroller!! AWW!!

S4M985 said...

Id vote for him! - if i could that is!

Anonymous said...

OMG the Campaign tagline would be:
"Vote for the Gyllenhaal, because voting is Sexy!"

ROFLMAO!

heddaparsons said...

I fully endorse this campaign 100%!!!

I really hope Jake does get involved in the upcoming elections in '08. He campaigned for Kerry in 04.

pink mist said...

Oh, wait...I think there needs to be a constitutional amendment requiring the President to star in at least one movie per year...shower scenes clause included.
Other than that, perfect plan.