So how are you? Besides sad that I rarely write posts to you in letter form anymore? I know. But we've been so busy lately debating the merits of your enviously large pool of assumed sexual partners that you've sort of been put on the back burner of late. Sorry about that. If it's any consolation, I'm of the mindset that if it's not me, I can't be bothered.
Anyway, I was sitting around reading a copy of The Guardian, which britpopbaby dutifully air-mails to me once a week on the off-chance that there's an interview with you inside, when lo and behold! There was an interview with you inside! I was particularly interested to see that, being the kindred, mid-twenties, lefty, opinionated spirits that we are, we shared a similar idealogical confusion over Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton. Which one is more in tune with our political views? Which one should we give $20 to (your campaign contribution will possibly have more zeros than mine)? Which one is more likely to make Stephen Colbert's Threatdown?
So I'm sitting there thinking, 'hey, I know Jake's from California where they're all "progressive" and shit, but those of us from the South know an uphill political battle when we see one. What we need is a Democratic candidate who is so utterly wholesome and baggage-free that the American people will literally run to the polls just for the opportunity to vote for this person.'
What we need is Jake Gyllenhaal. President Jake Gyllenhaal. (Sample campaign poster below.)
I see only one minor flaw in this scenario and that is that you are not technically eligible to be President. According to lawkids.org, the President must be a) a natural-born citizen; b) at least 35 years of age; and c) have lived in the U.S. for at least 14 years. It's that second qualification that might prove difficult. This is where your acting skills and a professional make-up team come into play. We know from Brokeback Mountain that you can be aged to look up to 39 years of age, years beyond the required minimum. Hey, I'd totally be willing to vouch that you were born sometime in the early 1970's. I'm known some circles to be at least semi-trustworthy. Look, if you don't tell, I won't tell. I really don't think we should let the Constitution slow us down on this one.
I'm so sure that you're going to agree to this plan that I've not only coined your slogan ("Jake in 'o8!") but I've also made up a bumper-sticker-ready logo:
Any objections? Didn't think so. The first Democratic candidate debate is tonight in South Carolina, but don't worry! I've already signed you up and made out some notecards on the more important issues. See you tonight. Over and out!
White House Chief of Staff (what? too soon?)
P.S. If you're interested in other exercises in democracy, try polling HERE (San-Fucking-Jaya?! Come on!) and petitioning HERE (seriously, if you haven't signed this yet, you should be ashamed of yourself...and then you should sign it).
P.P.S. Hey, McGraw-Hill. If you want me to write a book on U.S. Government, you just say the word. I'd be all over that bitch.