Friday, September 01, 2006

IS THIS THE END OF THE WORLD...OR JUST ANNEKA'S REVIEW?

Who can say?

........................................

Into the snow venture our intrepid teens, walking like muppets in their snow-shoes. Somehow, by the time they get in the ship, they’ve acquired torches. Obviously the Torch Fairy likes Jake too. The film has now turned into an episode of The X Files as people wander down dark corridors with torches. Except they’re searching for penicillin rather than aliens. As they’re banging about, those CGI wolves start legging it towards the ship. Jake finds a First Aid room – most people just have a box – but can’t break in. See Jake, takes practice to become a real vigilante. Jake finds a window and remembering his just-in-case Spiderman training, climbs across the ship to the First Aid window, Ugly and SOH watching in awe. Jake then breaks said window with an axe. Man, he’s manly. He slides through and opens the door for the others so they can start hunting for drugs. SOH finds it, Jake asks how does he know. SOH says it says ‘Emmy-Saving Drug’ on the bottle. Meanwhile, the wolves are tracing the snow-shoed steps of our heroes.

SOH says they should raid the mess hall. Jake, despite being Brad Pitt in Ocean’s 11, says there’s no time. After all, Emmy’s dying and there are CGI wolves about. But no, Ugly agrees with SOH. There’s a surprise since they’re in love. Ugly also pushes the Emmy-Dying-Without-Food button to get Jake to come with them. While looking for food, SOH opens a cupboard, accidentally inflating a life-raft and falls over hilariously. Unhilariously, the wolves follow the sound and leap on Ugly’s leg. Bet he doesn’t taste nice. SOH pulls him inside a door while Jake manfully beats the wolf to death with his torch. The wolf whines. Ugly is whining about his leg so Jake bandages it, managing not to beat him to death with his torch. Now they are trapped.

Cut to Pretty Asian Lady watching the super-cold hurricane descend on New York. But that’s where Jake is! Speaking of, Jake sticks his head out a porthole to see the weather clearing and announces they have to get back. Cor, he’s intelligent. Looking a bit crazy (script read ‘desperate’), Jake tells his chums he’ll lure the wolves out. SOH wishes him luck but doesn’t offer to go with him this time. So Jake takes a kitchen knife.

Off he goes and he’s doing well until he steps on a piece of glass and pulls a sex face. Hang on, I thought he was trying to lure the wolves out so isn’t attracting their attention a good thing? He legs it past a doorway, narrowly avoiding being decapitated by a wolf who instead headbutts a wall. Jake also runs into a wall, rather hilariously, with a ‘doink’. He is chased by wolves but manages to lock them in somewhere. Where they will die a slow painful starving death. Oh I forgot, they’re CGI. SOH obviously thinks Jake is a wolf when he comes back to rescue them but changes his mind when the wolf says “Brian open the door!”. SOH should get his eyes checked.

Cut to DQ, dragging New Guy/Fuck-Up on his sledge. Why he didn’t leave him behind I have no idea. The air clears, the wind dies and DQ, who is obviously part Lassie, leaps into action.


Jake and SOH are comically legging it across the snow, dragging Ugly and food in the accidentally-inflated life-raft. Why they didn’t leave him behind I have no idea, the wolves needed chow. Jake stops in time to see the top of the Empire State Building freeze up. Man, that took ages to build! He yells “Let’s Go!”, abandons the others and runs for Emmy and her lovin’ arms…Wait, no he doesn’t. The freezing-ness is contagious, spreading down the buildings.

DQ removes a chimney off some building and throws New Guy down it. Probably hoping he’ll break his neck, or at least his fall.

Jake and the gang have reached the library. He orders SOH to take the medicine to Emmy, then like the hero we all know he is, hefts Ugly onto his back – the subtitles read “(Grunting)”. Hee.

DQ is getting in the chimney when he sees the American flag freeze solid. Dear God no. Let’s just take a moment…Oh sweet liberty…

Jake is going for gold as the corridor freezes around him. Ugly is being most unhelpful by weighing him down and not making any effort at all. I hate lazy people, I write while lying in bed. SOH and DQ both shut their respective doors which freeze over. Jake does a bit of a mentalist basketball jump to throw another priceless book on the fire, yelling not to let it go out. Then he forgets all about that and starts fondling Emmy again.

DQ is starting a fire of his own while Jake burns more copies of the bible. Isn’t that a sign of the apocalypse, along with the demise of Heather Mills-McCartney?

Well that was all very exciting. Time for a cuppa to relax my nerves.

In the frosty kitchen where DQ has set up home, New Guy awakes to coffee, croissants and a naked DQ. Nah, he’s got all his clothes on. At first glance, New Guy seems to be wearing a Santa hat but turns out it’s a bandage. New Guy asks what happened. “Well, first I went to a conference with Bilbo, then Jake went to New York. Now you’ve come around just in time for the end of the world. Which is all your fault you little fuck-up.” DQ actually says he pushed him in a hole. New Guy makes a crap joke about getting pushed around. DQ says “Good to have you back.” Oooooh lies. Apparently the storm has passed and they’re forty miles from Manhattan. But only eight feet from their nearest Starbucks. New Guy says they should wait, get a Frappuccino and some biscotti. Great. You killed Old Guy Who Did Die As Predicted and now he wants to kill Jake too. DQ puts his foot down and off they go. To Jake, not to Starbucks.

DQ uncovers a sign that says Staten Island. You should ride the ferry, it’s free. New Guy’s hi-tech equipment directs them to a trail of frozen bodies in the snow, bodies that bear a startling resemblance to the people who didn’t listen to Jake and went off into the snow willy-nilly. New Guy looks confused again as if he’s trying to work out whether this is his fault. It probably is somewhere along the line. Awww, there’s School Crossing, all Jack-Frosted up. This just proves what I always say: when in situations of mortal peril, trust pretty people, not authority figures. Unless the pretty people are authority figures, like Christian Slater in Broken Arrow. Though I believe Christian Slater is almost always trustworthy. Save when he puts his hands on the asses of strangers.

Cut to later that night. All snugly in their tent – spot the pyshic Brokeback Mountain reference – DQ and New Guy share a mug of cocoa and discuss the future of mankind. DQ says man survived the last ice age so they can survive this one. Because now we have electric blankets and microwaveable beanie bears. Then he gives us the true message of the film – it all depends on whether we can learn from our mistakes. I don’t know about you but that’s what I’ll take from this film as I leave my TV on and put my coke cans in the bin not marked recycling. DQ continues, saying he wants to learn from his mistakes. He confirms he was thinking about his son and not Jaws 3-D. New Guy hints that DQ’s son is probably a smoking ice lolly by now and while I think about Jake as a tasty frozen treat on a stick to be licked up and down, up and down…DQ says he made Jake a promise and he’s going to keep it.

Back in space, the astronauts say storm is clearing. DQ pops his head out of his tent and is greeted by a big ass boat sticking out of the frozen ground. The good ol’ Statue of Liberty is frozen solid as our Jake rescuers head towards the city that never sleeps except when it's half buried in snow. DQ asks where the library is, New Guy says right here. No library in sight. But this was where the last copy of Claptrap was said to exist! New Guy says he’s sorry. So you bloody should be. It’s all YOUR fault. DQ runs over a snow bank and there’s the library, or the top of it anyway. Check your bleedin’ hi-tech apparatus New Guy. They climb in through a window and things look hopelessly chilly and dead. DQ yells for Jake but no reply. Oh God, he’s dead!!! I don’t think I can go on. I’m about to crack open my Bic and slice up my wrist when they spot light under a door. The torch beams illuminate SOH and Ugly looking rather cosy, the French woman, Emmy and then…Who’s that handsome young man in the duffle coat by the fire, the one with the dishevelled hair and the big brain, the one who’s eyes have seen too much for his youth, like death, destruction and Ugly’s face. Yes, it is the Chosen One, Mr Jake Gyllenhaal himself. As he stirs, really cutely I might add, rubbing his eyes with his mittens, Emmy asks “Who is that?”. It’s fucking Dennis Quaid, Emmy, show some God-damned respect. Okay, so you didn’t see In Good Company or Cold Creek Manor but don’t embarrass him by saying so. The music builds to a crescendo as DQ looks at Jake and Jake looks right back, saying “That’s my father”. That’s the Oscar clip there baby! Not a dry eye in the house.

Emmy looks totally amazed that DQ made it all this way, especially with New Guy being such an ass. Jake goes and throws his arms around his Papa and DQ makes a happy ‘Ohmigod! I’m hugging Jake Gyllenhaal!’ face. Jake closes his eyes so we know he’s in the moment. Then there’s this weird bit where they show everyone smiling at the happy couple – New Guy, SOH and Ugly, who probably wanna be hugging each other, and then Emmy. Despite Mr Director trying to capture emotion, it’s just plain creepy.

In Meh-he-co where it’s suddenly spring again, DQ’s boss says “Mr President”. God, the bugger made it back. Nope, turns out he’s talking to Vice Prez who has now been upgraded . He explains about DQ and says there are survivors. Vice Prez (Now Real Prez) makes the understatement of the year, saying “That’s good news”, like someone just told him his Victoria sponge was cooking nicely. Now Jake and Emmy can have that white wedding he’s always dreamed of…with sponge cake.

New Prez / Old Vice Prez makes a statement on TV reinforcing DQ’s and Michael Jackson’s message – Heal the world, make it a better place, for you and for me and the entire human race…it doesn’t matter if you’re black or white and Billie Jean was not my lover. He also admits that he was wrong. If only the Real Real Prez would do that. Or go and play with another pretzel. Movie Prez is also pro-immigration, seeing as he’s an illegal in Mexico.

DQ’s Boss goes off in a helicopter to New York but the library is empty. Oooh, where’ve they gone?

Movie Mom reappears as does bald Peter, still sans parents. I know his game: he’s gonna try and live with Jake. A case of Blatant Stalking methinks. Movie Mom goes to watch New Prez yapping about survivors in New York and assumes Jake is one of them. Which he is. So she’s right. Kudos to her.

DQ’s boss spots people out on the snow. It’s our favourite bunch of apocalypse survivors, the dog too. Terrible shot of DQ and Jake grinning at DQ’s boss, probably thinking about the massive raise DQ is going to get and about the book they’ll write together and promote on Oprah, talking about their harrowing experience and the love that grew out of it.

As the helicopters fly back over the city, Homeless Man hugs his Buddha, Male Librarian hugs his bible, wishing he had the courage to hug Cell-Phone Girl and SOH and Ugly are kissing with tongues. Emmy leans over to look out the window – Jake was selfish and wouldn’t let her have the window seat. That’s a sign of a bad relationship by the way, The Wedding Singer says so. Jake’s finally taken his stupid headscarf off. There are people coming to the roofs of other buildings to get airlifted to Mexico for tequila and good times. What, you thought this bunch of pussys were the only ones who could ride out a storm? They ain’t that hard.

Ugly looks at SOH out of the corner of his eye, SOH grins back. Seriously, is this a homosexual sub-plot that they had to cut due to time constraints? DQ grins broadly, maybe at the new survivors, maybe at the flourishing homosexual love before his eyes. Jake smiles at DQ. Emmy’s looking at Jake and puts her head on his shoulder. Bear in mind Jake, she hasn’t had a wash in several days and has a gammy leg. You don’t want her. Despite all this, Jake grins ’cos he knows he’s getting lucky tonight. Saving her life several times over will shortly be totally worth it. Remember, what happens in Mexico, stays in Mexico. DQ grins right back. Hope he doesn’t think he’s getting lucky with Emmy tonight.

Up in space, the astronauts announce they’ve never seen the air so clear, before showing us a snowy globe – not to be confused with a snow globe - on which Jake lives. And there was much rejoicing. Because we’ve come to the end.

Final thanks go to cast members Lynne Debel (‘Old Frozen Woman’), Mikio Dwaki (‘Noodle Chef’), Jose Ramon Rosario (‘Cabby “Crazy Weather” ’) and Jesse Todd (‘Scientist in Hallway’). Thanks also goes to Script Supervisor Kim Berner for letting all those ‘gems’ slide through, to Wardrobe Assistants Shoppers Sylvie Guillard and Caroline Breard for getting the forty-six layers of clothing necessary to recreate Emmy’s authentic ‘19th Century Russian Gypsy’ look, to Jake’s assistant Matthew Katz-Frost (great name by the way) for, well everything, to Petty Cash Clerk Vladimir Fuentes for always having quarters for the vending machines and to Wolf Trainer Mark Dumas. What? They were all CGI! Cushiest job ever! Oh, and it tells us to visit www.futureforests.com where you can get Carbon Neutral weddings. Call me old fashioned but running away to Vegas to be married by a drunk Elvis impersonator has always been my idea of a dream wedding.

Oh, look. We weren't invited to the Premiere but it appears DQ and SOH weren't either so don't feel too bad.

This review is dedicated to my grandmother Megan. She never saw The Day After Tomorrow and since her favourite film was The Sound of Music, I can make an educated guess that she would have hated it.

Thanks for coming to Anneka’s Picture House. Please deposit all trash in the bin provided and come again soon. But not tomorrow as I’ll be out all day. And not Tuesday either because I have a piano recitel.

31 comments:

smurfette said...

aww, i'm a little sad that it's over! my favorite parts/moments of comic genius:

1) the ‘homosexual subplot’ between SOH and Ugly—LOL, you’re totally right, and somebody oughtta set those moments to the brokeback score and put the trailer up on youtube

2)remembering his just-in-case Spiderman training… Jake also runs into a wall, rather hilariously, with a ‘doink’. actually the whole wolf chase scene was fantastic—as much as i love our jake in darling indies and sensitive roles, he’s a great physical actor and if for no other reason than our entertainment, he should do more physical comedy (hehe, this is another plea for anneka to do bubble boy next!)

3)SOH obviously thinks Jake is a wolf when he comes back to rescue them but changes his mind when the wolf says “Brian open the door!”. SOH should get his eyes checked. jake as wolf = hot. also, made me chuckle cuz it somehow reminded me of the pap video when matt mc locks jake out of the car...

4)when in situations of mortal peril, trust pretty people, not authority figures. which is why jake should be the hero in every movie =)

5)the one with the dishevelled hair and the big brain, the one who’s eyes have seen too much for his youth, like death, destruction and Ugly’s face… haha... no words

6)DQ makes a happy ‘Ohmigod! I’m hugging Jake Gyllenhaal!’ face. Jake closes his eyes so we know he’s in the moment.

DQ grins right back. Hope he doesn’t think he’s getting lucky with Emmy tonight. -- the movie’s ending is such a fantastic cheesefest. but i love how jake's still able to sell it =).

Anonymous said...

the one who’s eyes have seen too much for his youth, like death, destruction and Ugly’s face

Excellent, as always. God knows I think this movie is bull*** from beginning to end, but the review in itself justifies it all :-D

veeveevee said...

Brilliant, awesome and wonderful, Anneka!

Methinks I'm going to pop TDAT in the DVD player tonight and play it on mute while reading your review out loud - hilarious!

Bubble Boy next pleasepleasepleasepleaseplease!!!

muffin said...

Brilliant finale, Anneka....you have set yourself a very high standard for your next review....but no pressure or anything! ;)

Prophecy Girl said...

It’s fucking Dennis Quaid, Emmy, show some God-damned respect.

I'm so sad it's over!! I'm going to go weep into my DVD case.

nice anonymous said...

Again, thank you, Anneka, for making it unnecessary for me to actually watch most of this movie. You've written a wonderful guide to "when to fast-forward" and what to expect along the way.

smurfette said...

^^ nice, that's my exact reason for wanting a highway review. i haven't seen it, but i'd love to read anneka's interpretation so i wouldn't have to!

bubblegirl said...

I can't wait for the next review! I hope it is Brokeback! Bubble Boy will be great also!

The Bearded Lady said...

Can it be all over?....will there be a sequel?
Perhaps Anneka dear could review the final credits?
the FBI warnings the trailers for upcoming DVD releases? ...
To come this far and stop short of the crescendo, just leaves moi, wanting more and more.
Not unlike a earnest whoopee session...
on and on...
To ponder one's water bill...
still onward....
Have I forgotten Aunt Ethel's birthday card?....
and still yet further...pushing endlessly onward... *heavy sigh*
The car is due for it's 60,000 mile (kilometer) check up? Right?....
Is it time to rotate the tires?....
Back to the water bill...
I did pay that right?
Oh? I never noticed that crack in the ceiling before?
Wow, this section resembles the shape of Estonia?
only to come so close .....ahH...then to finish with a whimper.
More, more ,more...
do say this is not the end.

Anonymous said...

The 'Ohmigod I'm hugging Jake Gyllenhaal' and the "Jake closes his eyes so we know he's in the moment" had me spewing! I choked on my yogurt. GAWD, you are wonderful! Hope you will get to your next review soon.
But first, make us wait...anticipate...beg...moan...
sorry, I was thinking of Jake.

Kendra said...

Anneka, Roger Ebert knows he doesn't got any damn thing on you, it's been a genius review. Btw, JAKE WEIRD HAS BEEN BROUGHT TO LIFE BY BLOGGER AGAIN!

Anonymous said...

We have some Zodiac news here and here.

Frank Sinatra said...

I so want to pull by hair out, and I have a toupee!
Anonymous that last link you posted to, is in error.

In the story it's claimed that FM radio didn't exist until the late 60's
incorrect
and further I Frank Sinatra would know....
Fm was invented much earlier and was put into wide public use by the 50's
Look at any old pre 1965 stereo receivers for your answer.
Why do these idiot movie makers insist on doing period pieces, and getting their facts wrong...it's madding!
Stick to the bubble gum world in which they inhabit and know, and stop twisting up the past.

Here's a link discussing the origins of FM radio.

http://www.cybercollege
.com/frtv/frtv020.htm

Nothing Really Matters said...

Anneka well done dear what a fab review!

Anonymous said...

Maggie on letterman
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PzDNzFN1ja8

nice anonymous said...

Oh, man. Thanks for the link to Jeffrey Wells' Web site discussions of "Zodiac/Chronicles." This doesn't sound at all good for Jake's chances of scoring another supporting actor nomination. Sounds like we'll have to wait even longer. Maybe Gyllenhaal fans are going to have to campaign on behalf of "Zodiac/Chronicles," the way Ledger fans created a site to help advocate the movie "Candy." Is the studio releasing it during the dull season because it's worse than they thought, or is it really a studio politics issue, because they don't want to have to support its Oscar campaign?

The Oscars just make me ill lately. I used to love staying up late at night to watch them, looking at the gowns, seeing the stars. Now I just feel cynical when I think about the whole debacle last year.

[Even so, as debased as the Academy Awards have become (or maybe always were), I want Jake to win one. And Maggie, too. And Peter also.]

Smurfeyshmoo said...

Who’s that handsome young man in the duffle coat by the fire, the one with the dishevelled hair and the big brain, the one who’s eyes have seen too much for his youth, like death, destruction and Ugly’s face. Yes, it is the Chosen One, Mr Jake Gyllenhaal himself.

Haha, that's my favorite part! That and the blooming love between SOH and Ugly. Ahh, sweet love.

Anonymous said...

Thanks for the articles about Zodiac.

I doubt whether World Trade Centre will get very far with the Oscars. Major critics (LA Times, Wall Street Journal) panned it. And it hasn't done great business at the box office. It's almost like the other critics were afraid to treat the film harshly because of the emotional nature of its content.

So hopefully the studio will recognise this and push it aside for Zodiac.

Actually, remember Jake's tattoo all the talk was about a couple of weeks ago? I wonder if it (and the new haircut) were for a photoshoot in the lead-up to Zodiac being released?

Anonymous said...

Mentioning Jake's faded tattoo, reminds me: WHERE IS HE??? OK. He was on Martha's Vineyard and we got some great pics of him there en famille. We saw him in NYC with Maggie and then we heard he went to some club on Martha's Vineyard.
That was days ago! I miss him!!!
I need my fix. I love the movie review and the "Secrets" and the sea gull stalking, but I want my JAKE fix!!!! I don't HAVE to see a picture.(Tho it would calm me.) I'd just like to know that somewhere out there someone has seen him and he was doing fine, being Jakey. I'm weeping as I type.

dani said...

I miss seeing Jake, too. It's been over a week and I am having serious withdrawals!

Anonymous said...

Well, he's been on Martha's Vineyard, but I wonder if he would stay there over the long holiday weekend. Some how I don't think he would. So I'm guessing he went back to LA or he's in NYC. You know, a lot of people travel during their down time. The fact that he's sticking pretty close to LA/NYC gives me the impression that maybe there are some projects pending. Gosh, I hope so. I miss him, too. I mean, I REALLY miss him. Jake,I promise,I won't say mean things about Jamie Lynn Sigler. (fingers are crossed behind back)

Anonymous said...

Jake,I promise,I won't say mean things about Jamie Lynn Sigler. (fingers are crossed behind back)

Or about that other random brunette (RB) with whom Jake was reportedly exchanging cell phone numbers at 3AM in that club ... oh, I so much want him to be loved and happy, but I also don't want some icky RB putting her slimy paws all over our Jakey...

mrs_dalloway said...

Anneka,you're really something!you managed to convince me to rent TDAT!But I'll do that next week,as these days I'm having some vital exams to take.
I would sooooooo want to see a Donnie Darko funny review......
I miss being here all the time.I practically don't even need to see pics of Jake because of the mess in the real life right now.How sad is that!

penny lane said...

mrs. dalloway, yes, unfortunately sometimes real life takes over and I certainly hope everything will work out for you.
Good luck with the exams (and Jake is in hiding anyway - don't worry!)!

mrs_dalloway said...

Thank you,PL!During my English exam yesterday I was singing "Tiny Dancer" in my head,don't know what brought that up,but it felt good because I love it!and it was the Almost Famous piece,not the Elton John one :)) Funny how we find optimistic songs to calm us down in bad moments.

Anonymous said...

Safe in the helicopter, Ugly pushes his maroon headgear back from his face.

Sam: "Why, JD, you're beautiful!"
JD: "You're not so bad yourself".

[JD moves away from SOH].

[Sunset, fade to grey].

***FIN***

Anonymous said...

Well that's my Saturday night sorted, takeaway, bottle of wine and TDAT in the DVD to giggle over. Ta so much Anneka

britpopbaby said...

You know I just had an amazing ephihany. JD = Jack Daniels, Austin Nichols = well, Austin Nichols Wild Turkey!

only1annabel said...

Loved the finale Anneka! I especailly enjoyed the Michael Jackson song reference. Its late now and I need my beauty sleep but I really want to sit and watch TDAT!!
I'm glad to hear that the fab Brokeback is to be your next picture house feature! Can't wait!

~DKBB~ said...

What can I add to everyone's comments? Anneka, you are BRILLIANT, and the review was a total hoot!!!! Keep 'em coming!

Anonymous said...

I had that same epiphany about the whiskey names :-D