GOODNIGHT AND GOOD LUCK

Aah, it's been such a long time since we had a Jake Watch newscast. Jake has valiantly stepped in again to help us out, this time as a posing as a wartime correspondant. Isn't he all reassuring yet authoritarian? And FYI, BBC stands for britpopbaby Broadcasting Corporation and don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

A BIT OF A SPRUCE
In the coming weeks Jake Watch is getting a makeover. As for the theme all I can say is it's prehaps the best idea anyone has ever had in the history of time. We’ve labelled it an ‘ironic’ makeover. Here is a sneak preview:

Oh yeah, baby, it’s gonna be hot.

HOT OFF THE PRINTING PRESS
In other Jake Watch news britpopbaby would like to dance around gleefully because the T Shirt crisis is finally sorted. The T-Shirts should be available in 3 to 4 styles and a variety of colours. At this point I’d like to mention how long it took me to grapple with shipping prices and how majorly confusing the Royal Mail website is. Yes, all T Shirts will be delievered via her Majesty’s personal post service – how exciting? She hasn’t expressed an interest in buying a shirt herself yet but man, these things are gonna be so bitchin’ everyone will want one. The price will be around £13 ($24, 19 euros – dude, I do not have a euro key, why haven’t I noticed that before!). Any long sleeved tops will cost a little more and vest tops will be a little cheaper. I’m now in the middle of working out how the bejesus to set up an ordering system. Give me a few days.

As soon as the first batch is printed (it’s 25 at a time) Poppa Gyllenhaal or as I have recently heard him dubbed, ‘Team Leader’, will be getting his. It will be tightly bound together with the Boo shirt and off they shall go on their merry way across the Atlantic.

NOT SAD BUT MOSTLY TRUE
In more Jake Watch news, aah, a moral dilemma. It’s been relayed to us here at Jake Watch HQ (moving soon to a carved out volcano near you) that Jake doesn’t really appreciate discussions about his personal life. It’s common sense really, who the hell would? Now usually I’d argue that young Gyllenhaal threw himself to the lions by becoming a Hollywood actor and the internet is a free for all so there is no point worrying about it. I also hoped he’d be blissfully unaware of all things internet but, alas, nope.

Now, it’s difficult for Jake Watch to take the moral high ground on any matter when we, essentially, have no morals (hey, I was raised Anglican, it’s not my fault). But then something was said that made britpopbaby think (holy shit!). Jake Watch has been deemed ‘responsible’ (responsible in a good way, not responsible for any strife). This is the first time, as anyone in britpopbaby’s life can attest to, that she has been called responsible. When she was 15 her parents trusted her to have a house party but it ended with 2 people being hospitalised and she really hasn’t been allowed to do anything since (at this point britpopbaby would like to say that it totally wasn’t her fault, how was she supposed to know Sammy Giles had never drank Hooch before because it was against her religion or something). Anyway, this is a big deal. Therefore we (prophecygirl, britpopbaby and sweet baby jesus) have decided to keep our noses out of Jake’s damn business.

This place is all about the funnies. If Jake wants to go bong it up with McNoganinny, Thighstrong and Richard O’Brien then it ain’t none of our beeswax. Paparazzi pictures will still be posted, mainly because my determination to finish Paparazzi Bingo outweighs any feelings of guilt or remorse, but we’ll be concentrating on the comedy value.

Also, squeeing and gushing over how hot he happens to look and how, like, totally radical those jeans are is in no way as bad as gossiping about his life choices. We have to remember that Jake Watch is linked at Stephen Gyllenhaal’s page and so we don’t want anything here that is likely to offend any Gyllenhaal.

We can’t stop what is said in the comments so all of this is basically some long-winded way of saying future Jake Watch posts will concentrate on making you laugh not questioning Jake’s personal life.

As Peter Kay once said, “There is a picture of her Majesty the Queen on that wall and as far as you’re concerned she might as well be sat in the front row. You get me?”

I promise next time there is news, we'll make Jake do this in podcast form. Naked.

If you've got any questions (relating to the post, not like, why do men have nipples or what would happen if aliens came and stole the moon) then ask away.

Love you long time,
brits and prophecygirl (yeah, that's right, we're dividing the blame).

EDIT: I hoped I'd worded the above carefully but just to make things clear. No one has said to me, 'Jake hates you talking about his private life and if you don't stop he'll send you poisoned apples'. A person who I greatly respect and trust just said something that made me think. That's all. This is a personal thing, it's not Jake saying to his sheep, 'Look, flock, don't be gettin' all up in my shit, capiche?'. Like I said, to me it's common sense - no-one wants their life picked apart by people on the internet.

I'm taking the day off because I feel hassled but before I go, some reiterations:

• No-one has commanded me to do anything. No orders have come down from on high. I'm not affiliated with any Gyllenhaal, never have been and don't "think" I am.
• Jake Watch is not striving for 100% approval from anyone. Everything posted here is the opinion of britpopbaby, prophecygirl and soon, if she gets her ass in gear, Anneka.
• If I did work for Jake's PR people/ his Dad/ Boo I'd be asking for a pay raise right about now and perhaps a month off due to stress.
• This blog is a labour of love. Please respect that it is a creative outlet above anything else. Jake Watch has NO agenda.
• All that was said was that I won't be dissecting Jake's private life in MY posts. Not that I ever really have in a serious manner. YOU may talk about whatever YOU want until you're blue in the face.
• Paparazzi pictures are a difficult subject but seens the majority of this blog is based around them I'm not stopping posting them. Yes, they are an invasion of his privacy but I think the difference comes in how you react to a paparazzi picture.
• The Austin post was FILLER. It was in GOOD HUMOUR. It meant NOTHING. This blog is not monitored by anyone and this post did not result in any military-esque clamp down. This blog is owned by ME and I will talk about whatever I want. So CHILL out.
• The links to Waiting For Toothy and Wikipedia were removed because I wanted to remove them.
• I'm not a homophobe but thanks for speculating. I am however an idiotophobe.
• Nope, there is no difference between speculating whether Jake is with a man or woman. I never said there was and I'm pretty sure I've been over this before so you might want to let it go before you cause yourself a stomach ulcer.
• I understand that Jake has said he is flattered to be called bisexual because it means he can play more roles. I do not however remember him saying, 'I'm flattered that you would discuss my personal life to great extent on the internet, honestly there is nothing I'd love more. I also love how you cloak it in pro-gay agenda and think that it's in some way superior to all other discussions'. Okay, that's a little harsh but I think it's clear. That's why the WFT link is no more.
• Jake Watch is neither 'hetero' nor 'homo' orientated. It's 'I-couldn't-give-a-crap-it's-none-of-my-business-and-all-things-considered-it's-pretty-irrelevant-so-just-relax' orientated.

I'd like to thank everyone who got it the first time around and to everyone else thanks for MISunderstanding, MISinterpretating and jumping to conclusions. People have come so close to ruining this for me so I'd like to thank my loyal readers for sticking up for me. People need to realise that I'm not some upstanding member of Jake fandom, there is no need to get personal and I shouldn't have to explain my actions to this extent. This is just a humourous little blog and it's causing no harm. It's meant to be a fun, relaxed place and getting yourself so worked up about what I think of pap pics and what I'm going to do about such and such is worrying me. Ask yourself what you think is right for you and go with it.

This is the last discussion I'm going to have about this so if anyone at some point in the future has an issue then please feel free to email me your essays.

As Stephen Gyllenhaal alluded, maybe we should spend less time analyising and fretting about Jake and more time concentrating on ourselves.

Okay? Can people please chill the fuck out now? Like any of this was ever important to begin with? Seriously, go and watch Donnie Darko or The Good Girl or Brokeback and remind yourself why you're here in the first place.

PS - One travesty has been righted through all of this: Atticus on MySpace! Every cloud...