Thursday, June 21, 2007

Jake & Reese: The True Story

Another Jake Watch Exclusive
From The Ikea Self-Assembly Bureau of britpopbaby

The mysterious relationship of Reese Witherspoon and Jake 'Air Gunner' Gyllenhaal has been grabbing headlines since their rumoured romance exploded into the nation's conscience in early 2007, surpassing any concerns the general citizen had for the Iraqi war, global warming and Jennifer Aniston. The hot fling has now garnered more column inches than discussion regarding Britney Spear's hair regrowth, with everyone from Perez Hilton to Prophecy Girl throwing in their unsolicted opinion. Tony Blair was even overheard in The House of Commons saying, 'Biotches stole MY moment'.

But the lack of pictorial pashing and silence from Jake's manager, ex-East end villian turned loveable Hollywood rogue, Frank Boulevard, gossipmongers, fangirls and fangays alike were mighty suspicious of the hook-up.

Now Jake Watch can reveal whats really been happening as Frank Boulevard grants us access to Jake Gyllenhaal's blackberry, in an attempt to set the record straight.

"People have got it all wrong,' says Frank, 'of course they're deeply in love, but it's more than that...they're opening a traditonal London Caff together'. Frank explains that Jake's long-established love of food and cookery took an unusual turn when Witherspoon admitted to him that she secretly harboured a love of British cuisine. 'His face dropped, like a foot, when Reese told him she adored nothing more than going home after a long day's shooting and firing up the chip pan and gridle. Jake said he liked baked beans but he'd never taken it any further. She persuaded him to try a Ploughman's and after that, well he was 'ooked. You could say he got himself into a right Branston's pickle about it! Ahahahha! I kill meself'.

It was some weeks after this revelation that Gyllenhaal and Witherspoon decided to celebrate their newly found common ground by opening a traditional British-style cafe. A source close to the couple said, 'Jake has always dreamed of opening his own restaraunt, he just never imagined he'd been be doing it with the woman of his dreams...or that 'Spotted Dick' would come into the equation'.

The 'Gyllen Spoon' Cafe will be opening next month in Beverly Hills. Rumour is, the pair are currently recruiting staff - experience with lard is essential.

61 comments:

theshowerlady said...

I LOVE you!!! I love you, I love you, I love you!!! Is "The Spotted Dick" connnected in anyway to the "Spotted Pig?" (LMAO!!!!)You don't have to answer that. Only if the Pig is male, right????
You have moments of absolute, sheer brilliance, BPB. And I don't say that to curry favor. Why would I? Just bcz you are currently playing house in LA at the Casa Famiglia Gyllenhaalus ??? And Jake might stop in??? Really. The idea of using the word cuisine with anything British!!!! And without grits, any dish Jake prepares would be missing something special.
Is it true that Reese will appear one night a week to play that little harp and sing?

call me cherita said...

What an exclusive! You have truly outdone yourself this time, britpopbaby! Of course, now you will be the source of record when anyone wants to know more about the story. I'm sure you're ready to handle all the traffic that's bound to come in via gossip-mongers and celeb-whores.

P.S. Everything reported here is 100% true and accurate.*

Is that an asterisk, or did your pen leak? I looked for a matching asterisk all over the page but couldn't find one. Or is it just a way of torturing new viewers?

cina said...

P.S. Everything reported here is 100% true and accurate.*

Well I never thought anything else!

Anonymous said...

girl you crazy!
haha, britpop you amaze me, what a giggle, love it!

Anonymous said...

This has to be the very bestest one in just ages. And there have been some fine ones, but this one is truly exceptional!!!!!!This is Hall of Fame. This is classic.

Anonymous said...

Waiter, there's a hair in my chips.

concerned said...

Jake, I think penicillin will clear up the spotted dick.

not so concerned said...

Forget lard, custard or penicillin. I would like my spotted dick served with a healthy spoonful of gyllensauce.
Jake and Reese are to be commended for this exciting venture.
See you at the cafe!

Anonymous said...

aww its a shame they have now 'broken up' now we might never know the greatness of the gyllen spoon cafe.

how sad..

~DKBB~ said...

Brilliant! F*ing brilliant! I must say, bp and pg, you are on the very top of your game here lately and I for one am very impressed! Keep up the good work! ;)

cina said...

Re Not So Concerned: There actually IS something edible called Spotted Dick?!? Jesus christ. I had no idea. Oh you British...! LOL ;)

twistedlogic said...

ROFLMAO!!! Brilliant.Eat your heart out Planet Hollywood. I take it there are plans to open a UK branch of The Gyllenspoon Cafe, and that Jake will be conducting the staff interviews personally.If that's the case then I will definitely be applying for a job, even though I can't cook worth a damn (I'm pretty good with a can opener though ;)

heddaparsons said...

This is brilliant, finally the thruth! And since they bothloved to cook (actual quotes from their mouths!!) then this should all work out well both for them.
Thanks for the news Frank!

Anonymous said...

Cina, yes, Spotted Dick is a suet pudding with currants and raisins (hence spotted, dick just means pudding I think). Try it next time when you come over here in England, and also try faggots (a meatball dish), just so that you can say with a straight face that you had them.

cina said...

^^LOL! I sure will! Hell, meatballs the British way, that's something you just can't miss as a Swede. ;)

Well, I'm off to celebrate Midsummer now, so ya'll have a nice day everybody! Tataa!

S4M985 said...

P.S. Everything reported here is 100% true and accurate.*

Is that an asterisk, or did your pen leak? I looked for a matching asterisk all over the page but couldn't find one. Or is it just a way of torturing new viewers?


I did the exact same thing! Glad im not the only one who cant see the little *'s mate! Great post PBP, i'd eat there. Do you know if they serve 'Toad in the hole' as well? Now that is an awesome british dish!

S4M985 said...

ah... CMC said the bit i quoted. Sorry mate!

Anonymous said...

I would think that Reese claiming to have a weakness for British cuisine would be an impediment to their relationship...OTOH, perhaps it is the lascivious nature of that cuisine that tantalizes. She probably likes bangers first thing in the morning, enjoys her spotted dick enormously and doesn't mind eating the occasional faggot.

Anonymous said...

OT: new pics of Jake over at IHJ. He sure has a lot of different cars!


http://iheartjake.suddenlaunch.com/index.cgi?board=Pictures&action=display&num=1182519583

joycedavenport. said...

Ah the Gyllen Spoon Cafe. For non Brit readers you should know that such establishments are also known as 'greasy spoon' cafes. For reasons which would be obvious if you ever took your life in your hands and ate in one. The punning power of Bpb is mighty indeed.

So far on the menu:

Spotted dick
Spotted pig.
Meatballs (I refuse to use the other word)
Curry (see Showerlady's post.)
Gyllensauce (the mind boggles)
Chips
Beans.
Bangers.
Toad in the Hole.
Grits

Ah yes Jake- I can see those Michelin stars twinkling now (actually it may be rosettes blooming).

BTW Happy Birthday to me. Did you know I am exactly 25 years older than Prince William?

xenia said...

Great! I was just looking for a summer job!!

theshowerlady said...

Ah, Counselor!!!! Happy Birthday on this most auspicious occasion.Fifty is the new 30! I know this to be absolutely true!!!
We have a great many "greasy spoons" in the US. And, of course, in our major metropolitan areas we also have something we call "street meat." I hate to ask, but I must. WTF is Toad In A Hole?"

Prophecy Girl said...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, JOYCE! So where are you and Wills going to celebrate? I'm assuming you two share the festivities with each other every year... ;)

not so concerned said...

joyce happy birthday ye wee gorgeous lass!
showerlady its a dish made of sausages in yorkshire pudding.

britpopbaby said...

Happy Birthday Joyce!

Boring fact of the day - Spotted Dick is named after Richard III, as it was his favourite food!

Anonymous said...

Dang! All this talk about the finer points of "British cuisine" has caused me to...lose my appetite.

~DKBB~ said...

Happy birthday, Counselor Daveneport! Tip a few for me...I'll be joining you in that "exactly 25 years older than Prince William" realm later this year. ;)

joycedavenport said...

Thanks everyone (altho' it is now in fact the day after). Yes PG Wills and I hang out at a secret location every year and chat about what we've been up to. Altho' as you can imagine with his boring Army job and hidebound traditional role as king -in -waiting it is usually me who supplies all the exciting stuff.

Like, er, what Jake movies are out, what Jake movies he must see (all of them basically). How he is nearly as popular good looking and charming as Jake (well you have to help keep his pecker up as they say.) How Jake deserves to be a knight (well if they can give it to Mick Jagger). Of course I fill him in about Jakes royal ancestry, and how it is even harder for Jake to find a suitable partner than it is for him.

Army seems to be tiring him out tho'. Seems to fall asleep after an hour or so. So I just go on and pary the rest of the evening away without him...

Prophecy Girl said...

^^^ That is EXACTLY what I envisioned you two talking about. It's amazing how similar it is to what I talk to Wills about. We're kindred spirits, Joyce!

Anonymous said...

Is Jake no longer wearing the livestrong braclet?

Prophecy Girl said...

^^^ And the Random Comment Award goes to...

theshowerlady said...

LMAO! PG!!! OT But Not:People maybe unaware that Wonder Woman, Linda Carter, is staying at the Beverly Wilshire Hotel. At the present time. I say that apropos of Jake seen to be "frequenting" the Beverly Wilshire Hotel the past two days...according to JJ. Perhaps he is taking master classes from a former Superhero...or maybe he is discussing the Gyllenspoon restaurant with her to see if there is interest in franchising the idea.

Anonymous said...

Gotta say. The logo for the cafe is devine. The facade, the artwork....loks like the kind of place you'd see in Chelsea in NYC.
I think this idea has legs. Cool.

S4M985 said...

Happy Birthday Joyce! Pg, you last comment cracked me up!

Anonymous said...

Queen's voice (after dining at cafe): I hereby dub thee, Lord and Lady Gyllenspoon. This is the best Spotted dick I've had in a long time.

ROFLMAO!

Anonymous said...

1:52:PM: Maybe he lost it like I lost mine!Jake has been wearing that Livestrong bracelet off and on and off since '04, probably earlier if you check the pictures over on IHJ. But some memebrs of his online "fandom" think he just started wearing it since last ywar. Check out tje pics on IHJ, he was last see wearing it publically back in April of this year. Maybe you should wear one in support of cancer surviviors.

Pat Butcher said...

I would assume that bangers and mash are on the menu!

Anonymous said...

I can't believe you are still writing about Jake even when his father made it known that they didn't care at all or appreciated then time you devote to him.
Why do you still do it?

Anonymous said...

Because we are fans. Why are you here?

Anonymous said...

^^ To Anon 8:14 AM BST - Good call!
Jake Watch is for fans with a sense of humour!

britpopbaby said...

I can't believe you are still writing about Jake even when his father made it known that they didn't care at all or appreciated then time you devote to him.
Why do you still do it?


I thought we'd been over this? PG and I are employed by Jake's PR company to preserve his heterosexual image and appease the adoring fangirls.

I get paid 45,000 per annum for this gig, that's why I still do it, Nonny Nonny.

Now sing!

Hey, nonny, nonny!
Sigh no more, ladies, sigh nor more;
Men were deceivers ever;
One foot in sea and one on shore,
To one thing constant never;
Then sigh not so,
But let them go,
And be you blithe and bonny;
Converting all your sounds of woe
Into. Hey nonny, nonny.

Sing no more ditties, sing no mo,
Or dumps so dull and heavy;
The fraud of men was ever so,
Since summer first was leavy.
Then sigh not so,
But let them go,
And be you blithe and bonny,
Converting all your sounds of woe
Hey nonny, nonny.

Anonymous said...

I hope Jake/Reese to stay together, at least fictitiously,as they have been, for the simple reason that this whole Gyllenspoon Cafe should become an institution here at JW!!! I think there's a real need for institutionalization!!!

cina said...

Completely OT, but Brits - the Shakespeare addict I am, I just LOVE that little song from Much Ado About Nothing! :) (In fact, the film with Emma Thompson is one of my favourites!)

But 45,000? Dang! I thought it was at least the double!

Anonymous said...

5:29: Why don't you poae the same question over at IHJ? By your reasoning that site should have been shut down last October.

Anonymous said...

Oh, rats! Ignore the trolls. That douchbag is a liar anyway. They are always ragging and mean over there. Ppl should find a better class of where they hang out...like the Gyllenspoon cafe is totally class. No trolls allowed. Only the accoasional roach...or as we say in my neck of the woods, "That was just a "waterbug."

Anonymous said...

5:29AM:
Well Jake's dad has a site dedicated to him, or I should say his family, but yeah mainly him:

http://gyllenhaal.suddenlaunch3.com/

I'm sure he doesn't know about but Cantara iis a registered member.

Anonymous said...

Day of Action to restore Law & Justice 2007 June 26 Washington DC.

Sponsored by the ACLU, Amnesty International, LCCR and NRCAT

kokodee said...

I thought we'd been over this? PG and I are employed by Jake's PR company to preserve his heterosexual image and appease the adoring fangirls.

Hehe! Best answer, like ever!!!

I too would like to book a table at the gyllenspoon cafe. What's the number again?

Anonymous said...

Just a FYI: As I travel thru various fandoms, I see the SOS (same ol' shit) everywhere. At first, a long time ago, I thought "Poor Jake! Why all the mean, nasty haters???" But then I saw that there are the exact same kind of people doing and saying the same stuff everywhere. They are truly stupid, and they are negative and want to start trouble to get attention about what they want to talk about or about their own opinion. They are sick and should be in a nut house. Mostly, tho, they are really jealous of the person they say that they're a fan of.

Anonymous said...

^^ sigh. Really not needed. :((

Anonymous said...

Just a FYI: As I travel thru various fandoms, I see the SOS (same ol' shit) everywhere. At first, a long time ago, I thought "Poor Jake! Why all the mean, nasty haters???" But then I saw that there are the exact same kind of people doing and saying the same stuff everywhere. They are truly stupid, and they are negative and want to start trouble to get attention about what they want to talk about or about their own opinion. They are sick and should be in a nut house. Mostly, tho, they are really jealous of the person they say that they're a fan of.

Oh go have mummy change your nappy and feed you your breakfast porridge. While she's at it, tell her to clean your rose coloured glasses because without them on you sound wicked insane. This is life. Fucking whiner you are.

Anonymous said...

Anon 7:36 You must be one of those people.

Anonymous said...

I hope Jake gets really, really, involved in the Gyllenspoon Cafe. I would hate it if he is just letting them use his name and he's actually not responsible for the cuisine and the ambience. Iwas wondering. Will they be serving various ales and brews?

Anonymous said...

This post is actually more on target than you think. Jake and his pal the Chef are definately opening a resturaunt together, not thinking of but actually doing it.

It may have to take a back seat for a while though, Jake is preoccupied with some things at the moment (It doesn't involve him, professionally or personally).

Anonymous said...

Hope they do it in LA, bcz NYC has lots of good restaurants, while LA only has lots of famous restaurants. And I like the concept of Gyllenspoon Cafe. Reese and Jake need to do this. They really, really need to! BPB, you need to copywrite that logo for the cafe!!! Post haste!

Anonymous said...

It may have to take a back seat for a while though, Jake is preoccupied with some things at the moment (It doesn't involve him, professionally or personally).

And how would you know it?

Jacob's new apple ipod said...

They have always wanted to open a resturaunt together, and Jake wants to be hands on not just another celibrity that c-owns a resturaunt. It was suppose to be sometime down the road but an opportunity has opened up now.

1st the news was it would be in the L.A. area but the recent chatter has been NY. If he finally decides to do the play in NY, then that would make the most sense.

Again it has to take a back seat a bit due to other concerns not related to him.

Anonymous said...

????

Anonymous said...

5:58PM: Thanks for the link!

I wish Jake would be more active politacally, he says that politics is one of his passions but we really don't see any of that, not since he campaigned for Kerry in "04. BTW, is there any word on that play about the Dean campaign?

britpopbaby said...

^Er, Jake is very politically active. He's, like, running for President.

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