Tuesday, January 09, 2007

A POINTLESS EXCERCISE IN GYLLENHAAL HERITAGE STUDIES

Highly scientific experiment conducted at MyHeritage.

Question: Which celebrity does Jake Gyllenhaal most resemble?
Answer: Suprisingly, Jake Gyllenhaal!



Conclusion: Whilst britpopbaby is impressed that MyHeritage thinks Jake looks 97% like himself, she must express concern over the lack of Tobey Maguire resemblance statistics put foward by aforementioned site. As everyone knows, Maguire is Jake's long lost, slightly less attractive, twin brother; seperated at birth by some tragic hospital admin error yet, as if destiny planned it, both carved out a name in Hollywood as 'that one with the big eyes - no, the other one...yeah, him'. Also, a hobbit? WTF?

So what has this taught us about The Gyllenhaal's heritage? Nada except Nicholas Cage is his real father so that makes Lisa-Marie Presley his ex-stepmother which makes Elvis his late ex-stepgrandfather, i.e Jake is related to Elvis. Thank you.

Okay, I'm off for a hard days graft so behave or else I'll tell you all a secret likely to devastate your lives forever. Seriously.

198 comments:

Newport Girl said...

So, if Jake had 3% more facial hair he would look like himself?

Newport Girl said...

"or else I'll tell you all a secret likely to devastate your lives forever. Seriously."

Is that a promise or a threat?

You are such a tease.

Newport Girl said...

Oh no, is Boo dead?

S4M985 said...

oh i love my heritage! Its soo cool! When i did it a while ago i got Jena Malone, and Anne Hathaway... as im sure ur all well aware BOTH kissed The Sex! *smiles proudly about something she really has no reason to be proud of*

What is with thelast line...


"so behave or else I'll tell you all a secret likely to devastate your lives forever. Seriously. "

I hate secrets!!! Hmmph! **stamps her feet on the ground!**

S4M985 said...

^^ haha newport girl!

ok, its not really funny. i wouldnt be laughing if he really was dead. I take that back.

Newport Girl said...

Okay, I have a question. What is a "hard days graft" ??? It must be a British saying. Like, you know Dude, I've never like heard it before, 'cause Dude, like, I'm from you know, like California. Like, you know? Dude!

Nothing Really Matters said...

^^ It just means shes going to work hard!

cina said...

LOL! That's really insane, how can it be 97%? Bwahaha.

And seriously - Nicholas Cage? Tim Roth?? Oh they do share his gorgeous features.

Yeah right.

Anonymous said...

"Oh no, is Boo dead?

Nah, BPB will probably tell us that Jake is actually Elvis and the living proof that Elvis lives.

Anonymous said...

Nicolas Cage? Outrageous!

and what's the secret? come on, i'm dying here!

atk said...

Yeah seriously! Nicolas Cage? Freddy Prinze jun.? WTF?

Agent Krycek said...

Chevvy Chase - seriously confused

phoebe said...

^^ Uhm yeah. Me too.

ncwoman said...

Sorry, can't think of anything clever to say this morning...still irritable and sleep-clogged...
but LOL!!! you guys are too funny!!

P.S. I love secrets, hate waiting for them :)

hedda parsons said...

Freddie Prinze??? And no Toby!!!

Prophecy Girl said...

I always knew Jake was related to Elvis. And now we have proof.

AlinaGyllenhaal said...

He-he, girlies, I llove Cage in Jake and Schwimmer is good just 'cause he has a little bit of Jake, yes indeed. I've realised: Jake adsorbed the best of everyone the hottest...*sigh*

Anonymous said...

seriously, ppl, i have NO IDEA why you can't see the resemblance> let me explain it to you in easy terms:
every single guy there has:
-two eyes
-a nose
-a mouth
-a chin
-more or less hair on the top of their heads.

really you must be blind not to see it. ;P

Anonymous said...

As far as I'm concnerned failure to mention Toby Maguire or...Jared Leto, really screws with the credibility of this, this, heritage tree or whatever it is.

smurfette said...

haha, those results are funny. though if jake has to resemble a hobbit, shouldn't it be elijah wood? they have similar eyes, at least! and elijah looks like tobey, who looks like jake...

actually u know who i think looks a lot like jake? jonathan togo from csi: miami. it's as close to seeing jake on a regular basis as i can get-- tho he's prolly not famous enough to get on myheritage...

eek! 3 more days til SNL!! i hope jake does a cool andy samberg rap/music short this saturday. not only are they the funniest skits on SNL of late, i reeeaally want to hear him sing.

nice anonymous said...

But ... but ... Jake has a much healthier hairline than most of these guys he's being compared with. And his eyelashes are so long & heavy, they weigh down his eyelids. (Thus the bedroom eyes.) Truly, he is a follically gifted male. Set him out in full sunlight for just five minutes & he starts growing more hair, without even thinking about it, or using any kind of product.

Anonymous said...

and the mouth. the mouth.

sigh

it curves so nicely. drool

Anonymous said...

I still contend that Jake was born by IMMACULATE CONCEPTION!

roco

veeveevee said...

He looks 3% not like Jake Gyllenhaal? What up with that?

Nice anon - follically gifted! I love it! LOL

Smurfette, I too, would like to hear him sing - he said he went through auditions for months for Moulin Rouge, and was one of the finalists, so he must have a damn fine voice! (Is there anything this man cannot do?)

agent h said...

This is hilarious, I did this on Jake yesterday and he looked like someone else more than himself...wtf? must not have been a good picture.
H

Anonymous said...

Look. There may be random people here and there who bear a VERY slight resemblance to Jake, but there is no one who has the total package. No. One. He is the most gloriously beautiful man every born.

smurfette said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
smurfette said...

i just deleted a comment about an interview of maggie from envelope.latimes.com cuz i remembered i should post OT discussions in the forum. anyway, it's there if people are interested.

magichappens said...

97%? That is one of the best statistics I have ever heard. Kaydee your explanation has to be the right one (the other guys having two eyes, a nose etc).... I completely agree about Tobey Maguire bpb, although lean more towards him being the beta version before the software was perfected (love the 'follically gifted' nice anonymous!)...
Am crossing pretty much everything I own that someone records and posts online the whole SNL episode immediately, if not sooner...I think IHJ promised to...I am sure they will take pity on those of us who are cabley-challenged...but SNL, Golden Globes, Zodiac... hooray for the new year!

magichappens said...

97%? That is one of the best statistics I have ever heard. Kaydee your explanation has to be the right one (the other guys having two eyes, a nose etc).... I completely agree about Tobey Maguire bpb, although lean more towards him being the beta version before the software was perfected (love the 'follically gifted' nice anonymous!)...
Am crossing pretty much everything I own that someone records and posts online the whole SNL episode immediately, if not sooner...I think IHJ promised to...I am sure they will take pity on those of us who are cabley-challenged...but SNL, Golden Globes, Zodiac... hooray for the new year!

kokodee said...

nicholas frigin' cage???
LOL!

Carla said...

"actually u know who i think looks a lot like jake? jonathan togo from csi: miami. it's as close to seeing jake on a regular basis as i can get-- tho he's prolly not famous enough to get on myheritage..."

Smurfette, you are my hero!
I thought I am the only idiot who is watching CSI-Miami every week because I want to see that guy Jonathan who looks a bit like Jake....

undevout said...

Jared Leto and Jake could play twins in a movie, I swear. I can't believe he failed to pop up.

Britpop, you're going to drive us all crazy with that last comment. It makes it sound like you know something very secret.

Maybe you do.

britpopbaby said...

I do have a secret, but I told you, it's truly devastating.

smurfette said...

hahaha, no carla dear, you are MY hero! maybe we should start a club for "idiots who watch csi: miami to see a jake-lookalike!" surely there could be more of us? hee.

aww, BPB, ever the tease =)

Anonymous said...

Is there anything this man cannot do?

He can't cook worth damn. He's pretty good with a can opener though.

i think i'm ever so slightly obsessed... :)

and BPB, what's the big dark secret!?

agent h said...

BPB..i'd rather be devastated and know..than be left in the dark, unless its with Jake of course.

Anonymous said...

than be left in the dark, unless its with Jake of course.

why, does he glow in the dark? :P

Anonymous said...

behave or else I'll tell you all a secret likely to devastate your lives forever.

does it mean that sometimes we don't behave?! i'm outraged. we are so nice, peace-loving, calm and disciplined Agents. :)

so what's the secret?

Anonymous said...

"Hail to the Boo"

agent H said...

haha kaydee..I don't know if Jake glows in the dark, but it is definitly worth finding out!!

I volunteer my services for that!

nice anonymous said...

The three percent that doesn't look like Jake is due to his acting talent, of course -- his ability to transform himself into another character. Even in photography sessions, he's probably "in character" in some way.

Anonymous said...

Britpopbaby we need to know about the secret!

Due to government cutbacks JakeWatch Agents are having their budget slashed and will for ever more be forced to do their agentry via public transport?

m

Anonymous said...

Love it, BPB. I actually refer to Tobey as "Jake Lite." Isn't Tobey only, like, five foot five or something like that? He can look mighty fetching in the right light (at which time I squint just a little and pretend he's Jake), but mostly he doesn't hold a candle to The Gyllenhaal.

Simon Agent 002 said...

"Hail to the master of Boo"

of which there is only one.

Anonymous said...

yuck....I am so NOT a Cage fan, so the sight of him even on the same page as Jake disturbs me...Cage should consider himself lucky to be mentioned with Jake.

elusivemiss said...

How can anyone not see Jake's resemblance to Billy Boyd?!?

atk said...

Ha, count me in for the club "idiots who watch csi: miami to see a jake-lookalike!" That Jonathan guy is surely a cutie. No substitute of course, but close enough. :)

Now I´m nosy, I really really want to know this secret.

S4M985 said...

Add me to the CSI miami list, i love the show and he is very cute. Doesnt come close to jake though

BPB do we ever get to know this secret, or was this just a ploy to see how all your little agents act to a comment like that. Im onto you!

Anonymous said...

Billy Boyd???? And no mention of Elijah Wood? If they were going to mention a hobbit than it should have been Frodo!!

get real said...

Okay, while I love Jarhead Jake for Xmas, would love to see a new banner, like one of the ones we voted on. :)

And am wondering what this secret is. Brit, you are being a major tease. ;)

nice anonymous said...

Brits, you tease, give us a hint. Is the secret Jake-related, or Gyllenhaal-family-related?

Is it career-related? About "Rendition" or some other role?

Is it regarding Jake's forthcoming TV appearances?

Is it bigger than a bread box?

The Bearded Lady said...

Don't unearth all mysteries that can only lead to disappointments.

Believe me I know from experience.

veeveevee said...

Yes, Brits, do tell! You've had your hard days graft, now it's time to spill.

Or agents...perhaps we're not misbehaving enough??? We could fix that...

;-)

britpopbaby said...

Okay, here is the secret. Don't read the following if you're easily offended!









When I entered THIS PIC into MyHeritage.com is came to with a 70% resemblance to, brace yourselves, George W Bush.

Told you it was bad.

britpopbaby said...

Sorry, my grammar above is fucked up. I was just so devastated I couldn't think properly.

AlinaGyllenhaal said...

OMFG, Brit, I am appeared to be 73 percent of Harrison Ford!!! Though I love him, it's pretty disappointing...
And, girls, what's follically gifted? 'cause Ima justa crude russian girl,haven't it in my dictionary...

smurfette said...

omg! that's quite a secret-- so glad i checked here again! if it's any consolation, with jake's sense of humor, maybe he'd get a kick out of resembling the u.s. president, who should more than anything be a serious and grave symbol of american leadership, right when he's making a goofy face?

maybe i'm stretching here...

smurfette said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
smurfette said...

alina, follically gifted refers to jake's superior hair genes (on his head or elsewhere hehe. get it, like hair follicles?) hope that helps!

pavonine said...

In all seriousness, I think myheritage goes by not only general face shape but particularly by patterns of light and dark--I did it once with a pic of myself in my sister's yard and it "saw" a face in the gravel! Yes, it saw my face too, I'm not that weird looking.

What I saw immediately looking at the results is that they all share the same shaped shadow under the eyebrows, in addition to a similar hairline SHAPE (as opposed to a similar hairline. Jakey has a lovely widow's peak, which is something balding guys sometimes like to pretend they have. I've always been so envious of people with widow's peaks!)

nice anonymous said...

Oh, no. Jake looks like a Republican.

And not just like any Republican. He looks like the dumbest one of the bunch.

His family surely will disown him.

Anonymous said...

veeveevee, could you please post the link to the vid again, I have tried everything, but I cannot get to it on YouTube. and when I search Jake, SNL, Gyllenhaal, I get nothing. What tag words did you use, or what is your YouTube ID? It is making me crazy that I cannot see this, argh!!!!!!

Thanks veeveevee if you can fix this....

vanzmotorbike said...

HAHAHA. I look like Toby McGuire 55%.

Anonymous said...

u know who really looks like him? Jonathan Togo from CSI Miami

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