Tuesday, October 31, 2006

A HALLOWEEN FILM PITCH TO JAKE BY BRITPOPBABY

So Jake, I was thinking of what to post on Jake Watch for Halloween and, to be honest, I was a little stumped because you've never been in a scary movie ever, unless you count Donnie Darko, which I don't, or Proof. So then I thought about authorising an official Jake Watch Halloween party but Prophecy Girl had trouble photoshopping Casper The Friendly Ghost's face onto your body and I really don't know much about Halloween parties anyway cos I'm British so I gave up on that idea. Then I was just going to post some more of Anneka's October Sky but that's not very Halloween-y is it?

Anyway, Jake, whilst I was pondering what to do I had an AWESOME idea. It goes like this: I reckon you should remake Carrie but with a masculine angle. Crazy, I know but hear me out.

Jake, (playing Carl) is in the showers at school, soaping himself all over, when his voice breaks. Jake (Carl) freaks out because his overprotective parents (who recognised his total hotness from an early age) decided not to tell him about 'growing up' in order to shield him from the advances of all the hot honeys and hell, it's the 70's, fellas too.

Jake (as Carl) has no friends at school because their all totally jealous. They mock him and throw, er, jock straps at him. The Gym teacher, Mr Snell (played by Kevin Spacey in really tight shorts), is all like, 'Bitches! Get offa him!". He's so mad at the other boys for being mean to Jake (Carl), that and they almost pinged a jock strap in his beautiful, beautiful eyes, he punishes them to pushups and stuff after school (other boys may be played be assorted fitties including Wentworth Miller, Eddie Cahill and anyone else you can think of because really, there is only enough room in my brain for you, Jake. Heath = too high brow/indie/expensive).

So the other boys are a little pissed about this and Wentworth gets his boyfriend, Peter Sarsgaard as John Travolta, to find a pig, slaughter it and then hang a bucket of it's blood above the stage at the school Prom. By this point Eddie Cahill has persuaded his boyfriend to ask Jake (Carl) to the the prom. Wait, we need someone with a blond-fro to play Jake's prom date...but who? Ooo! Heath! Forget what I said before. So, anyway, Heath (blond-fro) takes Jake (Carl) to the prom and everything's going totally great. Apart from Jake's (Carl's) parents who are now in a trance, locked in the cellar or something.

So we're at the prom (theme is Wild Wild West - have you pictured it? Good.) and Jake (Carl) is wearing this gorgeous peach/pink gown he made himself and he totally has the figure for it - all the other boys are jealous, yet again. We do some dancing, some Kevin Spacey hugging, and now we're voting for prom King and Queen. God, I'm excited. Wentworth Miller's evil bumchums have fixed the vote to let Heath (blond-fro) and Jake (Carl) win. They're up on stage, Jake (Carl) is all freakin excited because he now feels all popular and like he's finally been accepted by his peers - but he totally hasn't, just wait. Eddie Cahill sneaks in round the back and tries to warn everyone, including Kevin Spacey, but they ignore him. How that is even possible because he's like a 6ft 3 inch sex muffin, but anyway...Sarsy, or maybe Wentworth Miller pull the string and all the pig's blood goes ALL OVER Jake (Carl).

Man! What a freakin' mess. Jake (Carl) is furious, especially as the bucket hit Heath over the head and knocked him out for count. So Jake's eyes go like, really blue, and his hair, despite the blood looks amazing, and now you can see his chest properly and god, he is RIPPED. Everyone in the hall is just completely mesmerised by how hot he is and they all start to explode. Even Kevin Spacey. So there's bits of people everywhere but Jake (Carl) just walks out of there, still making people explode in his mere presence as he passes them. Just cos he's THAT HOT.

The end.

It needs a few kinks working out but what do ya reckon? I think it has 'cult classic' written all over it. HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

70 comments:

Nothing Really Matters said...

Dude that was so funny defo has oscar written all over it!

wtbgirl said...

The mental image of Kevin Spacey decked out in those short shorts Coach Collins (Betty Buckley) wears in the original has permeated my brain and won't leave. Get out of my head Kevin Spacey!

smurfette said...

hahhaha… cult classic indeed! i especially the opening shower scene, and the ripped blood-soaked chest. i think we should bring maggie into this as well—she’s my fave. she can play… his mom? with a little movie makeup? haha... i think i'm kidding.

btw, i totally think DD is a legit halloween movie—i first saw it on halloween, and was COMPLETELY freaked out by it it (i didn’t know jake then, so i wasn’t distracted by/watching for him, even though i thought he was cute).

ooh, can we get OS part 2 tomorrow, bpb?

Mia said...

Brilliant! I say that at least 45 minutes of this movie should be dedicated to the poignant shower scene where Jake is soaping himself when he finds out what happens when boys get happy.

Anonymous said...

How can Jake posibly say no to this project!!! This could definitely be his breakthrough performance! This is it! It even has subtle political overtones in the subtext. He's gotta love it. And it has the requisite shower scene. I would offer one suggestion. Perhaps the shower scene could be the mainstay...do the story in flashbacks while he's IN the shower. This would mean he'd be in the shower for the whole film with brief cuts away simply for the sake of advancing the story.

thesweetestone said...

hahaha, hillarious!

Anneka's Alias said...

Uber lol. And kudos for the use of 'bumchums' which I haven't heard for a while.

wtbgirl said...

And this MUST be the band that plays at the prom ...

http://www.defamer.com/hollywood/csi/sinise-to-rock-csi-ny-crews-frowns-upside-down-211316.php

Dumbo said...

Ha, I was just watching Carrie on the USA channel today. And by watching I mean maybe two minutes then changing the channel. But had it been Carl, there would have been no channel changing.

The Bearded Lady said...

I hope that dress is asbestos.

~DKBB~ said...

BRILLIANT!!!! I'll even provide the financing on this...I have an extra $5.97 just beggin' to be spent. ;)

Nothing Really Matters said...

Dude that picture is so funny!

I just had to post this! For some reason i've gorn a little mad on Halloween tonight!

Yes bitches Halloween originated as a Pagan festival from theCelts of Ireland and Great Britain and was formed a very long time ago!. Not from the U.S as most people think!

Plz lets hope i'm right!

Immigrants transported versions of the tradition to North America in the 19th century. Most other Western countries have embraced Halloween as a part of American pop culture in the late 20th century.

The Bearded Lady said...

Music:"Disco Inferno"

cina said...

Dude, I was SO devastated from reading the most amazing fanfic, this was JUST the right remedy for that! That one is a Jake Watch Classic indeed! :-D

Simon Agent 002 said...

"Pagan festival from the Celts of Ireland and Great Britain"

This might explain english women's taste for god awful hats?

britpopbaby said...

Aah but All Hallow's Eve (the Pagan festival) is so very different from Halloween (bastardised commerical shite).

Nothing Really Matters said...

"The practice of dressing up in costumes and begging door to door for treats on holidays goes back to the Middle Ages. Trick-or-treating resembles the late medieval practice of "souling," when Caroling folk would go door to door, receiving food in return for prayers for the dead on All Souls Day. It originated in the British Isles"

I think we all know where the bastardised commerical shite came from!

The Bearded Lady said...

I think he had "Disco Inferno" in Bubble Boy?...
How about?

"Burning Down the House"
Talking Heads

wtbgirl said...

Or ... the always fun "The Roof is On Fire" by Master Scott & The Dynamic Three.

the queen said...

Oh, I want to see a re-make of BBM, my favorite Jake movie, but this time Jake and Heath are into voodoo, and they (well, Jake at least, I don't really care about Heath) wear loincloths and dance around to that drumming they always have at voodoo rituals. . .I haven't come up with the rest of it yet. . .I just started thinking about Jake in a loincloth and got carried away!

The Bearded Lady said...

"Chestnuts roasting on an open fire"

Multi-seasonal.

J said...

Brits, I work in the movies and hell, with a pitch like that I'd finance "CARL - The Bloodbath"! (pity I'm just a lowly minion with no financial clout..).

And Nothing Really Matters is right - Halloween (All Hallow's Eve) has been rockin' the Irish Celts for millennia - trick'or'treaters, scary costumes, bonfires, pumpkins an' all (well, they were turnips before the Irish got to the U.S. and discovered pumpkins which are bigger and scarier, and taste better too). I'm in Ireland now and it's like a warzone - bangers and fireworks going off, a huge bonfire around the corner and my letterbox taped closed to dissuade evil trick-or-treaters from chucking bangers onto my doormat when I don't give 'em the right treats.

Prophecy Girl said...

The practice of dressing up in costumes and begging door to door for treats on holidays goes back to the Middle Ages.

Dude, did you read my MySpace comment? I totally asked you about the origins of trick-or-treating and thus am going to assume this was meant just for me. :D

HAHAHA brits! And this post is way better than whatever was going to accompany the Halloween picture I did. But I'm not going to lie. I stuck brits' head on Jack Sparrow's body and it was AWESOME(ly bad).

Anneka's Alias said...

^ "Awesome(ly bad)"

Aw, PG, that made me laugh heartily.

Prophecy Girl said...

^^^ I, too, sat here and laughed at my cleverness and then abruptly realized that I had totally stolen that from Jack Black. Dammit! Don't tell anyone. I really thought I was being creative.

littleguitar said...

So Jake's eyes go like, really blue, and his hair, despite the blood looks amazing, and now you can see his chest properly and god, he is RIPPED.

LOL, who knew Jake covered in pig's blood could be sexy?

vanzmotorbike said...

In the southern hemisphere today is Beltane, and Halloween is 1st May.
Yes everything's ass-up to the rest of the world. (or maybe its the other way around??

J said...

^^ I never knew that! I guess Beltane comes from "beltaine" (the Irish for May). Well, you learn something new every day..and I thought Jake Watch was just good for perving and giggles :)

Kendra said...

So the other boys are a little pissed about this and Wentworth gets his boyfriend, Peter Sarsgaard as John Travolta, to find a pig, slaughter it and then hang a bucket of it's blood above the stage at the school Prom.

Peter as Travolta? I haven't got over this part, Brits! But the book "Carrie" by Stephen King is (I know it sounds cliché) deeper and more disturbing than the film.

SquallCloud said...

Your insanity knows no bounds.

SquallCloud said...

"The Stand" is the only movie (miniseries) that did ANY justice to a Stephen King work... OH! Shawshank Redemption ... but that wasn't horror.

Simon Agent 002 said...

I see his hair can withstand high temperatures.

perfectscore_goldstar said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
perfectscore_goldstar said...

OMFG ! Just what I needed to read after spending 2 1/2 hours in the (sorta) cold, standing totally still on my front porch, dressed in a wizard costume, only moving when the unsuspecting older kiddies (I won't scare the younger ones) came up to get some treats ... then I'd move (I wouldn't "BOO!" move, I would just reach out cuz I already had candy in my hand) ... tee hee hee ... I loved it ! This was great ! ! !

PG, just remember, without ME you would just be AWESO ... ;)

Smurfeyshmoo said...

Haha YES! This sounds like the greatest movie ever. Although I'm not so sure about Jake's voice cracking. Would he be succeptible to such an act?

Anonymous said...

Great movie suggestion - poppa for the Piper Laurie role?

atk said...

A perfect Jake watch classic! Brilliant!

JoyceDavenport said...

Umm Brits- I think you have to give up the day job for one of two reasons. Either you are too much of a genius to be locked away in a lowly office job, or said job has driven you over the edge and you need intensive medical care and treatment NOW. Can't quite decide which...

Soundtrack has to be the one and only Jerry Lee Lewis 'Great balls of Fire'. :-)

atk said...

"I was a little stumped because you've never been in a scary movie ever, unless you count Donnie Darko, which I don't, or Proof."

Hehe, truer words were never spoken. :) Proof truely was sheer horror for me, except for Jake who was the only highlight. Oh well, the things I do for Jake.

Anonymous said...

BPB, you are so on your game! Too funny...

cina said...

OH! Shawshank Redemption ... but that wasn't horror.

Best movie ever made. That, and Brokeback Mountain.

bitza said...

Hey guys! Great idea for a movie, maybe Ang Lee can direct it... it's Oscar material. And i don;t know if you know but on people.aol.com our Jake was voted the guy your mom would like you to date!! True...

Anonymous said...

Well, see. Here's the thing. I asked my mom about this...the only reason she'd like me to date him, is bcz she's too shy to date him herself...is a "vicarious" thing.
She's got her closet lined with pictures of him and owns all his movies, and stays up reallly late surfing the 'net for news. Now she's going on about how I should marry Jake. And now she's pissed, bcz I am NOT getting a job as a waitress at the Spotted Pig!

The Bearded Lady said...

"I don't want to set the world on fire"

~ The Ink Spots

JoyceDavenport said...

'This wheel's on fire'

Julie Driscoll.

The Bearded Lady said...

^^ "Absolutely Fabulous"! yeah....right! it took me a second. ;)

JoyceDavenport said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
JoyceDavenport said...

TBL- Yeah now you come to mention it I think Ab Fab did use it- but I remember it from the first time round on the radio! :-) or
:-( depending on your point of view

Nothing Really Matters said...

Your’re welcome PG! And thanks J for the extra information!

Anonymous said...

"I don't want to set the world on fire"

~ The Ink Spots


Too late,
"World on fire" - Sarah McClachlan

but,
"We didn't start the fire" - Billy Joel

The Bearded Lady said...

Joyce, here in the US I'd say the song became known when the TV show aired here. 5-6 years ago? not really by radio play.

"Ring of Fire" ~Johnny Cash

Anonymous said...

"Kiss of Fire" - Hill & Allen

J said...

"The Stand" is the only movie (miniseries) that did ANY justice to a Stephen King work... OH! Shawshank Redemption ... but that wasn't horror.

Squallcloud, what about Stand by Me? That was based on The Body (published in the same collection as The Shawshank Redemption) and inspired my adolescent River Phoenix obsession..surely no bad thing?

Anonymous said...

Jake the presidential campaigner
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OhSt-ZL2W-k

cina said...

^^ "Lacrosse rocks!" LOLOL

Thanks for posting. :-)

The Bearded Lady said...

^Thanks for posting that! :)

Fever ~ Peggy Lee

Newport Girl said...

Okay, this is totally off-topic, but I just found out that we have Sprinkles Cupcakes in Newport, and it's in a plaza that I always go to, like twice a week, but I never noticed that Sprinkles is there. Am I blonde or what?

Simon Agent 002 said...

"After the Love Has Gone"
~Earth, Wind and Fire

SquallCloud said...

I stand corrected J. SBM was my favorite movie as a teen. LOVED Wil Wheaton. LOVED. River was incredible too! All the kids were great though.

Frank Sinatra said...

"I've Got My Love To Keep Me Warm"
~Irving Berlin

JoyceDavenport said...

When was the presidential campaign video shot? Nice to hear the real Jake- seemed so natural and down to earth..

S4M985 said...

oh my god that was a crack up. Definatley an award winner for sure. Jake (carl) should be up for best actor at the next years oscars. Either that or im a bad critic! Great work!

jacknastygirl said...

It originated in the British Isles
dudes, I totally love that celtic stuff
but remember that the Celts came from Europe ;)

Simon Agent 002 said...

2004

JoyceDavenport said...

Thanks Simon

Wet For Went said...

Anything with Wentworth Miller AND Jake in it is an instant classic especially where Went is evil and Jake is so hot he blows things up. I love it! Now how can we see that is gets made? If we pool all our money we may be able to produce it...in some back alley using props made of construction paper and pipe cleaners using the 60 second recording feature on my digital camera.

Wet For Went said...

Aww, just scrolled back a bit. Squall mentioned River...*cries*

Wet For Went said...

Actually J mentioned River...God I'm late and can't read...Way too much Halloween fun...

J said...

Squallcloud, I loved Wil Wheaton too, with all of the intensity my little 12 year old heart could muster. I almost loved him a little more than River in Stand By Me...though that might not be humanly possible.

Anonymous said...

xxx