Tuesday, July 03, 2007

Jake Watch Reverses 231 Years of American Independence

Dear Jake,

Just a quick note to keep you updated on your campaign for Presidential victory. Maybe if you'd give us your email, we wouldn't have to keep doing this in a public arena, but whatevs. Now, the two scandals from last week rocked the boat slightly. First off, Iowa is pissed and Idaho is confused. Secondly, the white witches are digging you BIG time whilst the Evangelicals are burning effigies - we didn't think this would present much of a problem but it turns out there are more Evangelics than white witches and they have like, their own TV network. So, to detract from your "envitable plummeting journey to the Underworld due to your commendation of witchcraft", we thought we might wheel out the big guns - that's right. POLICY. Apparently voters want to hear about what you plan to do when you get elected. Like 'be hot' isn't enough for these people.

So, we've been working on a few ideas, y'know, the usual - global warming, Iraq War, Paris Hilton - when we thought, wait! This is Jake Gyllenhaal's election mandate and what says 'Jake Gyllenhaal' more than STRAIGHT OUTTA LEFT FIELD. So, we present to you now, a proposed policy we concocted in preperation for the July 4th celebrations:


Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your ears:

When in the course of human events, it becomes necessary for two people to dissolve the creative restrictions which have bound them to lesser websites and to assume the powers of the internet, the unified international achievements to which the Laws of Blogger entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of Jake Gyllenhaal fans requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to reverse the separation as set forth by our forefathers on July 4, 1776.


Four score and seven weeks ago, britpopbaby set forth upon this internet a new blog, conceived in jest and dedicated to the proposition that Jake Gyllenhaal is hot shit.


We hold these truths to be self-evident, that not all men are created equal, that some are endowed by their Creator with certain unattainable hotness, that among these greater men are Jake Gyllenhaal and Jake Gyllenhaal alone. — That to secure his station as object of our affection, websites are instituted among men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the people who read them…[legal crap]...as to them shall seem most likely to effect their online enjoyment of Jake’s sexy body and stellar acting career.


We, therefore, the Representatives of Jake Gyllenhaal, assembled under the power of the Google web search, appealing to the Supreme Judge of the world (i.e. Jake) for the rectitude of our intentions, do, in the name, and by authority of the good People of Jake Watch, solemnly publish and declare, that the united Colonies of America will reinstate Allegiance to the British Crown under the Rule and Guidance of britpopbaby (of the Crown) and Prophecy Girl (of the Colonies) so that heretofore the two nations, conceived in liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal (except for Jake), shall join as one to share duties on the site known as Jake Watch.


That this blog, under Jake, shall have a new birth of freedom, and Jake Watch, as a unifier of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth.


A-fucking-men.

Sources: The Declaration of Independence, the Constitution, the Gettysburg Address, Mark Antony's speech from Julius Caesar, and my ass.

What? Not gonna fly? C'mon! British people are hot right now, look at Kirsten Dunst's boyfriend! Oh...sorry. And you LOVE British people, look:

33 comments:

Anonymous said...

Fan-fucking-tastic!! You're the best PG!! :-)

/Linna

get real said...

LOLOLOL, LOVE IT PG!!!! *bows down in appreciation*

Btw, the pics aren't showing up. :(

welliwont said...

Ahhh, you are a genius PG, hell, you're more than a genius!! :-O What comes after genius? :-x :-x
But..... you left out the Canadians! C'mon, can't ya make room for us?

ncwoman said...

Once again, PG, you have outdone yourself.

ROFLMAO!!!!

ncwoman said...

Sources: The Declaration of Independence, the Constitution, the Gettysburg Address, Mark Antony's speech from Julius Caesar, and my ass.

Holy shit, too effing funny...

theshowerlady said...

See??? I KNEW!!!!! This has to mean that after Jake becomes president he will run for Prime Minister and he will win and then he will spend part of the time at Number 10 and part of the time at 1600!!! How totally cool will that be??????? And honestly? I love the idea of an English Christmas!!! God rest ye merry and all that with plum pudding! Brit, I don't think a single one of your American cousins will object! I really don't. And now that we will be reunited, the UK folk will have warm places to relax like Florida and Hawaii and Southern California.

This statement is genius plain and simple! You actually took our actual divorce document, the "When in the course of human events ..." stuff and wove it into the re unification stuff. Amaaazing! This is why, this is why, this is why you're HOT!

cina said...

LMAO!! Couldn't he somehow become the next king of Sweden as well? I mean, he already has the noble blood for christ's sake! Hmmm.... maybe I can pull some strings.... *ponders and scratches head*

joycedavenport said...

Aha I see that there is a greater plan afoot. Not content with reunification of UK and US the eventual plan is world reunificatiion.

Don't worry Cina, Sweden is obviously next up. Just keep an eye on his schedule. Watch him travel the world and see all nations bow unto him.

World unity, peace and twenty four hour Jake on all channels is coming. Mark my words.

Nothing Really Matters said...

Cina darling could he not marry you!

get real said...

Aww, great pics of Jake and Kate and BAFTA Jake! :)


And Happy 4th of July to all the Americans here!!

cina said...

Cina darling could he not marry you!

As lovely as that would be, I'm afraid it wouldn't make him a royal. But if he insisted... what the heck! ;D

Anonymous said...

I thought the kings of Sweden are descended from some French guy. Not Maurice Chevalier, but some one else ?

cina said...

I thought the kings of Sweden are descended from some French guy. Not Maurice Chevalier, but some one else?

Jean Baptist Bernadotte

I was referring to Jake's noble swedish blood. Not the other way around... ;)

xenia said...

GREAT post PG!!:D :D

Happy 4th of July to all the American JWers!!!

Anonymous said...

I think if the Brits are permitted to vote in the American Presidential election, Jake will win by acclamation!!!! He's already won a BAFTA!

penny lane said...

Happy 4th July to all Americans!

Anonymous said...

Why are we not discussing the Jessica Simpson rumors!!!!

Anonymous said...

Jessica was seen canoodling and touching and spending the entire evening with Dane Cook at Prince's concert the other night. So it seems like things may be back on with Dane Cook.

Poor Jake.

twistedlogic said...

ROFL!!Brilliant post! Classic JakeWatch!
If I'm honest I don't care if Jake has any policies or not, "being hot" is enough for me! But I have to say, as an English Jake fan, this policy has my full support;)

cina said...

Why are we not discussing the Jessica Simpson rumors!!!!

Because gossiping is for the forum. The blog is supposed to be gossip free.

hugsuzie said...

Wow. I've got a star spangled tear in my eye after that. You have my vote Jakey. As a fully paid up Brittisher I'm ready willing and able to pledge my allegiance whenever and wherever you like.

Prophecy Girl said...

I can't take all the credit!! It was truly a joint post; I like to think of it as Jake Watch's "A Day in the Life." One of us set the tone with the beginning and end parts and the other wrote the catchy bit in the middle. Aw, but who did what?! Wouldn't you like to know! ;)

Happy Fourth everyone (Americans and non-Americans alike)!! :)

Anonymous said...

Wow, PG! That's exactly like how it used to be with Paul and John!!! neither one would ever tell who wrote what!!! How cool!

heddaparsons said...

Love the post PG, you are brilliant! Love the pic of Jake and Kate, she is one of my favs.

I hope everyone had a fun and safe Jul 4th!!

Anonymous said...

I've been trying to work out which parts BPB wrote and which parts PG wrote but it's impossible!

Prophecy Girl said...

Hmmmm, perhaps if you worked out which one of us was Lennon and which was McCartney and further used the "Day in the Life" example as a guide, the answer to who wrote what might become clearer...or maybe not. :D

Regarding, Jake's current whereabouts, we're just going to keep deleting them every time they're posted, so don't bother. If you want to know, you can find it pretty much anywhere else. But not here. He's on vacation; let's leave him alone.

Anonymous said...

I thought the kings of Sweden are descended from some French guy. Not Maurice Chevalier, but some one else?

Jean Baptist Bernadotte

I SAW that movie!!! He was Napoleon's general, married his ex-girlfriend, then fought against him at Waterloo.The Swedish King adopted Bernadotte. I bet Jake's ancestors fought at Waterloo!!!! I bet Jake could very easily claim the Swedish throne!!!

Anonymous said...

How could Jake claim the Swedish throne if he isn't even French!

Lauren said...

Does anyone know if JG has accepted the offer to star in the Broadway play Farragut North?

cina said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
cina said...

How could Jake claim the Swedish throne if he isn't even French!

LOL!! Eh... What??

One: It was a joke.
Two: No, he's not french.
Three: He has noble swedish ancestors. (Hence "Gyllenhaal"...) That's what I was referring to.
Four: Again, it was a joke. That's what JW is all about... ;)

Anonymous said...

"How could Jake claim the Swedish throne if he isn't even French!"

Cina. This, too was a joke.

cina said...

Cina. This, too was a joke.

WHAAAT?!? NOOOOO!!!! =)