Thursday, June 28, 2007

Jake's First Campaign Scandal - We're So Proud!

Jake Gyllenhaal arrived back in Los Angeles earlier this week after a mistaken trip to Idaho for some early campaigning. "I'm sorry; I know now I should have gone to Iowa," Jake exclusively tells Jake Watch. "I was pretty sure it wasn't Illinois or Indiana, but who knew there were so many damned 'I' states?" Gyllenhaal's mistake does not seem to be an issue, however, as the latest Jake Watch poll has 14% of eligible voters saying they want Jake to be their President "a lot," another 32% going with "a hell of a lot," and the remaining 54% answering, "I'm registering as my dead grandma so I can vote twice."

Jake laughs off his mistake in the Boise airport with an unauthorized female his manager and a humorless man in a purple shirt.

Victory over the polling numbers was short-lived, however, as the first smear campaign of the season reared its ugly head from the Stewart/Colbert camp, a campaign whose MySpace page pretty much sucks because it doesn't even have a banner at the top (although they do have a depressingly higher number of friends than Jake in '08). Stephen Colbert released the following statement last night, "I see Jake Gyllenhaal has been wasting jet fuel again. Lazy bum. Like he couldn't bicycle to Idaho? Jake Gyllenhaal's carbon footprint is so big, they had to baptize it at Sea World. It's so big, it's got its own zip code! When God said, 'Let there be light,' he asked Jake Gyllenhaal's carbon footprint to move its fat ass out of the way!"

Camp Gyllenhaal has confirmed that Jake's ecological impact is roughly 3.5 times that of the average American but points out he's The Gyllenhaal and it takes a lot of airplane rides to accomplish as much as he has at such a young age. Gyllenhaal himself said, "Even if I drive my car somewhere so I can ride my bike, at least I'm in better shape than most people in this country!" The Stewart/Colbert Team has declined our repeated requests for their BMI ratios. Jake Watch is predicting that this is going to be an exciting race.

Picture from the Jake in '08 photo archive.

Tuesday, June 26, 2007


Last night Gordon Brown set his priorities straight as new leader of the Labour Party and Prime Minister of Great Britain. "What I really want to do," announced the ashen-faced Scot at a conference of London's leading press, "is offer my support to Presidential candidate, Jake Gyllenhaal. He's my choice, and I also know he's the choice of the British people. I look forward to working with him in the future."

When reporters asked why the new PM was so taken with Gyllenhaal, he answered, "He obviously has the most experience out of all the candidates, having dealt first-hand with such pressing issues as global warming, gay rights, Middle Eastern wars and imaginery rabbits. All this, despite being techincally too young to run. All the other candidates are tosspots and have shit MySpace profiles." When challenged by a journalist from The Times, who debated whether Presidential candidate Jake Gyllenhaal even had a MySpace page, Brown simply responded, "Oh, DOESN'T HE?". He then flashed the already amazed press his underpants and skipped off stage.

Monday, June 25, 2007

Sneaker Watch: Officially Vetoed

I know, over the years, the idea of a 'Sneaker Watch' has been banded about the place like the serve of a Russian ping-pong champion. I have never spoken publically about this before as I did note, at the time, the popularity of the notion. But now, I must proverbially lay my proverbial cards on the proverbial table.

I, for one, felt that 'Sneaker Watch' could never become a reality because a) it would be determential to the sanctity of Sock Watch and b) Jake wears straight up FUGLY sneakers.

My belief was further compounded when I chanced upon the following picture:
Jake, your Kevin Federline-esque pal has well and truly out-sneakered you. I simpy cannot devote any more of my time to your sneakers when your friend is standing right there, rocking the rainbow soles. I'm sorry, but no.

P.S - Hey, what happened to that guy, anyway? You're so careless with things like friends...and dogs.

Thursday, June 21, 2007

Jake & Reese: The True Story

Another Jake Watch Exclusive
From The Ikea Self-Assembly Bureau of britpopbaby

The mysterious relationship of Reese Witherspoon and Jake 'Air Gunner' Gyllenhaal has been grabbing headlines since their rumoured romance exploded into the nation's conscience in early 2007, surpassing any concerns the general citizen had for the Iraqi war, global warming and Jennifer Aniston. The hot fling has now garnered more column inches than discussion regarding Britney Spear's hair regrowth, with everyone from Perez Hilton to Prophecy Girl throwing in their unsolicted opinion. Tony Blair was even overheard in The House of Commons saying, 'Biotches stole MY moment'.

But the lack of pictorial pashing and silence from Jake's manager, ex-East end villian turned loveable Hollywood rogue, Frank Boulevard, gossipmongers, fangirls and fangays alike were mighty suspicious of the hook-up.

Now Jake Watch can reveal whats really been happening as Frank Boulevard grants us access to Jake Gyllenhaal's blackberry, in an attempt to set the record straight.

"People have got it all wrong,' says Frank, 'of course they're deeply in love, but it's more than that...they're opening a traditonal London Caff together'. Frank explains that Jake's long-established love of food and cookery took an unusual turn when Witherspoon admitted to him that she secretly harboured a love of British cuisine. 'His face dropped, like a foot, when Reese told him she adored nothing more than going home after a long day's shooting and firing up the chip pan and gridle. Jake said he liked baked beans but he'd never taken it any further. She persuaded him to try a Ploughman's and after that, well he was 'ooked. You could say he got himself into a right Branston's pickle about it! Ahahahha! I kill meself'.

It was some weeks after this revelation that Gyllenhaal and Witherspoon decided to celebrate their newly found common ground by opening a traditional British-style cafe. A source close to the couple said, 'Jake has always dreamed of opening his own restaraunt, he just never imagined he'd been be doing it with the woman of his dreams...or that 'Spotted Dick' would come into the equation'.

The 'Gyllen Spoon' Cafe will be opening next month in Beverly Hills. Rumour is, the pair are currently recruiting staff - experience with lard is essential.

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

So you THINK you're a fan?

You reckon you own every DVD of Jake possible, do you? (Zodiac pending). Well, guess what? You don't! So get out your wallets and prepare to be amazed.

Just when I thought it was nigh on impossible for me to get any exclusives anymore, (due the more enthusiastic fans finding out about everything before PG and I), along comes ABBY SINGER.

It's indie! It's budget! It's Sundance! I'm moderately confused!

Abby Singer is a darkly comic tale that chronicles the life of Curtis Clemins, torn between the love of his life and his dream. When Curtis hits rock bottom at the Sundance Film Festival, he calls on his old college chum, Kevin Prouse, now a drunk acting instructor in the throes of a divorce, leaving him the only clue to salvage the remnants of Curtis' deteriorating life. American Movie meets The Player, Abby Singer is highlighted by a panoply of celebrity appearances including Jake Gyllenhaal, Brad Pitt, Jodie Foster, Don Cheadle, Stockard Channing, Jay O. Sanders, Robin Tunney, Roger Ebert, Dave Attell, Mark Bochardt, Mike Schank, Lloyd Kaufman, and many more. (from

Abby Singer is coming to DVD on July 24th. I guess you'll have to buy it to figure out more, but the film's producer Jonathan M Black tells me, '[Jake] was the first star to sign a release. He is a really cool guy.'

As always, MySpace is where it's freakin' at. View the trailer HERE.

Info on DVD release:

More links:

Call yourselves fans.

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Pop Quiz #2

Can you spot the blatant stalker in this picture? I should hope so, because it is blatant.

Flashback! Pop Quiz #1

More at JustJared.

Sunday, June 17, 2007

Oh my god!

Reggae Gold 2007 is out!
Featuring muthafuckin' MIMS!

Friday, June 15, 2007

Oooo, get her!

Jake Gyllenhaal was pictured out and about in New York recently, wearing items from his very own, soon-to-be launched clothing line, JW can exclusively reveal. Gyllenhaal has followed in the footsteps of Kate Moss and pop sensation Lily Allen by designing a range for a top British clothing store, BHS. Named 'GyllenCouture', the clothes will be available for sale from August 1st across BHS shops in the UK with international customers being able to purchase stock from the online store.

Gyllenhaal says, 'When I saw Kate Moss's floral jumpsuit on sale in Barneys, I just knew I had to do something myself. I very into textiles, which is a little known, almost secretive fact about me. I wanted to create clothes that were practical, yet nonfunctional, comfortable, yet itchy, with buttons and velcro. I wanted like, old world meets new, I call it Nouveau Pensioner Chic. Would you like a pretzel?"

One things for sure, the fashion world is going mad and experts predict the range will sell out within hours and knock-off produce will be flying out of China in hours. Karl Lagerfield, top designer and rampant nutbag, is reported to have said of the range, 'It's very, um, New Jersey. What's that smell? Is it you?', whilst Dontella Versace commented, 'I'm flying to London as soon as, I simply need this knitwear." Kate Moss was unavailable for comment.

Gyllenhaal is unconcerned about the pressures he faces with this change of career, simply stating, "I want people to be cosy in my clothes....and a little sweaty."

More items from the 'GyllenCouture' Range....

Wednesday, June 13, 2007

When Jake news abounds, Jake Watch has it covered.

Jake called me last night and said, "PG, I'm sorry I never loiter outside your apartment anymore," and I was like, "It's OK, but maybe you could try to be a little more sensitive towards my feelings," and he was like, "Yeah, that's why I'm calling. I wanted to tell you that I'm on board with the Presidential thing." And I was like, "No way!" and he was like, "Way!" and I was like, "No way!" and we did that for a while until I said, "Thank God, because I already hand-pressed 2 million 'Jake in '08' buttons," and he was like, "Neat. Look, I'm doing some research right now and I'm looking at doing this play based on Howard Dean's 2004 Presidential campaign," and I was like, "Holy shit. You do love me! If you don't go through with this, I'll resign as your campaign manager."

And then Jake said, "But PG, I have even more news! I've made People Magazine's Hottest Bachelor's edition!" And I pretended to be really excited but in my mind I added People Magazine to my boycott list because they ranked McConnaughey ahead of the Gyllenhaal which pretty much puts them in the same category as Satanists and people who don't use their turn signals. Freaking McConnaughey, people! He continues to be our greatest challenge in "hot men" listing world...

Then today I was reading through some stuff by the posers over on Gawker (I think we could probably give them a run for their money when it comes to gawking and stalking; am I right?) and found out that Jake had lunch with Mario Batali which for some reason made people think he was Rock Hudson. Huh?

And last but not least, britpopbaby and I are moving into the family home in the next couple of days thanks to the overwhelming generosity of you, the readers. We raised $12.50. We're covered, though, on the $20,000 because brits sold her liver on the black market and I agreed to go without food or water for the next month.

Here's a picture of Jake wearing an Alf shirt because that just never gets old:

Tuesday, June 12, 2007

Outside your apartment? BITE ME!

Everyone in the entire world is having a New York Jake encounter, including some random people who call themselves "fans," aka people who look out their apartment window and see things like Jake Gyllenhaal walking by. Fans?! Talk to me after you've spent an entire Saturday putting Jake's head on a woman's body, OK?
You know what I see when I look out my apartment window? NOT Jake Gyllenhaal!

As if that wasn't enough, then my Facebook buddy Nicole wound up in a freaking pap picture with him (in the shorts, directly behind him).
You know what I see when I look at pap pictures of Jake? NOT ME! Nicole has also met (no lie) David Boreanaz; ergo, I sort of hate her. You know what she hasn't done? Nominated Jake for President. Where's the love, Gyllenhaal? Where is the love?

Fan encounter #1 HERE. Fan encounter #2 at IHJ.

Monday, June 11, 2007

Jake probably slept there more than one time...

Okay, guys, I gotta be straight up with you here. Prophecy Girl and I have, in the past, used the funds amassed in the Jake Watch Piggy Bank for less than honourable means. There was obviously a lot of gin involved at the time and maybe the Guadalupe Foreign Embassy but, y'know we've forgiven ourselves and so has Mayor Lupe Alvarez.

So the deal is, we're pretty low on cash. Usually we wouldn't hassle you with our financial troubles but they come at an imperative time as a opportunity as golden as Reese Witherspoon's hair has landed in our laps. The Gyllenhaal Seniors are putted their property up for rent for a mere $20,000 a month. Peanuts! Dry roasted peanuts! The prospect of having Jake Watch coming at you from inside the very confines of Gyllenhaal Towers is surely the most interesting news you've ever read in your life.

Now, I know what you're thinking, obviously we're close personal friends of the Gyllenhaals and they should probably just let us stay at their house for three months completely free of charge, with a block of brie and the pool boy thrown in, but apparently times are hard and house-sitters are few.

So, basically, we need to raise $19,998 to get our foot in the door, literally. If you would like to see this ludicrous suggestion become a reality, please give irresponsibly. We'd like to take stalking to a whole new level.
(Click to enlarge.)

Pictures from The Real Estalker, the self-titled 'Real Estate Porn Blog'. Read story HERE.

Apparently the fire pit is a bit cliche now, so Prophecy Girl and I will rip it out and replace it with a hog roast. Also, those steps after our daily gin allowance? Deathtrap. Some kind of all-weather Stanner stair lift needs to go there. Sofas, outside? Plastic white chairs are surely more pratical? And I'm not sure about all that birch either. It gives off a slight vibe of wildlife conservation centre. Paint? And where are the pink flamingos? Do you people have no sense of American pride? What? We'd be doing you a FAVOUR, Gyllenhaals.

Sunday, June 10, 2007


No, he didn't. The headline was a total lie, but it did grab your attention, did it not? That is the purpose of headlines.

To the surprise of none, Jake has shown up in New York after his lollipop-laden departure from LAX earlier this week. But to the surprise of many, it appears Jake was not in town to visit with his various family members and friends who sometimes live there, but rather to jump-start his singing career. Yes, heading down the well-traveled path carved by Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton, and Eddie Murphy before him, Jake is jumping the acting boat so that he may swim to the shores of a career of pop music. This news should come as a surprise only to those of you who believe what you read on Jake Watch.

The real scoop?

Jake read the spoken-word portion of the song "Between My Legs" (scandalous!) at a Rufus Wainwright concert last night, surprising the rightfully delighted crowd. Roughly 24 hours later, I stole the above picture from poster "agnusday" on a Rufus Wainwright message board and then made up a fake headline. Thank you, agnus. Please don't sue.

More HERE and HERE.

Major props to get real, who essentially did this post for me. :)

Friday, June 08, 2007

Frankie Explains...

What’s up, me mockers? Frankie here. As Air Gunner’s manager, I’m responsible for all aspects of his career. Now I know there’s been some right Auntie’s Bloomers knocking round ‘bout the lad. What can I say? Comes with the territory. Last I heard they was all banging on about some twist ‘n’ twirl called Reese. Well, I wrote Air Gunner an British Rail, asking ‘im what all the commotion was about. Look, guv’nor, I said, there’s only so many ways we can play this game of gin rummy. I say we call River Nile. I don’t want my star buck running a’ muck with some divorce horse, especially since my Jesse Metcalfe is on the blink.

Well, he got right on the blower to me and promised not to get in a lick with this lass. What can I say? Boy done good. I also asked him to stop biking with that Armstrong as nut cancer does not sell movies. And McConaughey too, as McConaughey does not sell movies neither.

Hope that makes everything crystal. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to go for a gypsy.

Wednesday, June 06, 2007

Hot off the press!

Shocking! The latest in Jake news hits streets today.


Monday, June 04, 2007

Chariots of Fire

From some highly dependable rag:

Jake Gyllenhaal, always fan-friendly, was jogging through Runyon Canyon near L.A when two ladies begged him to pause for an autograph. "Sorry, but I can't stop," huffed exercise-nut Jake - who was wearing a gadget to track his heart rate and calories. "I'm monitoring my cardio workout, and if I stop I'll have to start all over." But when the persistent gals started jogging right alongside him, Jake cracked up and genially jotted his John Hancock without breaking stride!

Oh god, is he like the best celebrity EVER or what? Running AND writing, together! Some of them can't even drink and drive at the same time. Honestly Jake, it's shit like this that puts you up there, brother.

Friday, June 01, 2007


So what does it all mean, Alfie? Jake Watch is going back to it's roots and by roots, we mean the drunken idea britpopbaby had for an ironic fansite after spending a night on the beach with Liquid Cocaine, not what actually made it on to Blogspot originally. Honestly, some of you may not like it, others will love it.

For futher discussions on what exactly the all new Jake Watch involves, join us in the Forum where I'll answer all questions. In the meantime, we introduce you to our 'new' team of writers (Louella and Anneka to be added soon).

Also: Design is not completely finished so bear with us!!