Monday, July 30, 2007

Quote of the Week (Back From the Dead)

Jake wakes up, shirtless and sweaty, goes to find his hot woman (I honestly don't remember if she even had a name? Regardless, she's Moroccan and really hot) who has just gotten out of the shower, and is wearing just a towel. They exchange some sort of pleasantries, then he pulls her against him, up against the bathroom door. They start kissing, and he runs his hand up under her towel just under her ass, lifting her thigh up and just barely around him, and they make out. I came.

- hearthisvoice, a commenter on Oh No They Didn't!

It appears this is what we have to look forward to in Rendition. Thank you Jesus Christ Lord Almighty. I'm not even going to pretend that I don't get seriously turned on watching Jake make out with other people. Thank you, and Happy Monday.

Thanks to Penny Lane for the link! And hearthisvoice, if this is not true, just know that you will have killed a piece of my soul and I will probably cry myself to sleep every night for at least a year.

Random picture of Jake looking sexy brought to you by IHJ.

Friday, July 27, 2007

Not Long Now

Ken: So, basically, at the sound of your theme song, you come down the stairs, center yourself, dish out the usual thanks; 'My campaign team, my family, everyone who voted for me, my long misplaced puggle Boo, yadda, yadda, yadda...', then if you wanna throw out some love to Jack Nicholson and Paul Giamatti, who will apparently be sat in the front row on the night of your election victory, I think that be a crowd-pleaser. Next, if you wanna get in some witty jibes about the losers and how much they suck, go for it; just don't mention Monica and sucking in the same sentence though 'cos thats just low. Then basically reinforce your election promise of curing the whole world, give some props to JK Rowling then exit stage left into the adoring arms of Meryl Streep and, if we can get them, the Dixie Chicks....right, any questions?

Jake: Do you honestly think I'll make those stairs in my dress?

Thursday, July 26, 2007

Hey! Natalie Portman!

You know, Natalie, I've been doing this gig for a while now and you know what? You just keep popping up. All the freaking time. Anonymous commenters love nothing more than to bring up your name. They're either talking about what a "cute" couple you and Jake would be or offering up creepy insider-sounding information about when you two used to "date." I didn't know anything about this "dating." I was just ignoring all that, you know. Just assuming you liked to post here anonymously...and I wasn't going to judge you for it. I mean, Jake's hot, but everyone knows he was celibate before my good friend Kiki walked into the picture. And then what happens? I notice there are some new-old pics of you on a certain website freaking ALL OVER The Gyllenhaal! I mean, what's next?! Secret pictures of Jake and Reese??! I'm sorry. I cannot condone this behavior (or bursting of my bubble). I don't care how many years ago this was, you need to back away from my man!

In other news...a new batch of Jake in '08 tees just hit the store! If ever there was a sentence worthy of ending in an exclamation point, that was it.

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

I'm sure you're sad...

...not buying Zodiac and everything today. So here are some 100% never-before-seen EXCLUSIVE pictures of Jake to help cheer you up! A huge, HUGE thank you to Tatiana for these (click to enlarge).

Jake entering a campaign meeting with britpopbaby and Prophecy Girl, er, or else hobnobbing at the Cannes Film Festival (it's difficult to say really):

There's much more information in the Zodiac thread in the forum, including Tatiana's first-hand account, information on where to find more of her pictures, and video of what those two got up to after the festival. OK, only two of those three things are true.

Please do not repost. Thanks!

Friday, July 20, 2007

Twist Mustache Joins Legions of Gyllenhaal Presidential Supporters

Jack Twist's mustache has recently added its name to the growing list of mustaches supporting Jake Gyllenhaal's 2008 Presidential run. It has joined the list at number 5 behind:

1. Tom Selleck's mustache. The classiest mustache in all of pop culture, this mustache is interested in Jake's ability to bring a sense of style to the White House.

2. Gabe Kaplan's mustache. The "Welcome Back" mustache still remembers the gas shortages of the 1970's and is looking for a candidate who both drives a hybrid and looks good in tight pants.

3. Joe Aguirre's mustache. This was a surprise to many but as it turns out, the mustache is quite the liberal thinker. And where the mustache goes, the man must follow.

4. This guy's mustache. Because anything that well-coiffed couldn't possibly resist the Gyllenhaal.

A noticeably clean-shaven Jake Gyllenhaal is photographed below looking over his mustache supporter list as published by Jake Watch:
He's reportedly pleased by the growing list (no pun), but still concerned that Geraldo Rivera has not yet pledged himself to the campaign.

Did a manlier mustache ever exist? We think not. Let's hope Rivera gets his head out of his ass and jumps on board soon.

In other news, Jake Watch and the Jake in '08 campaign are going on a tiny hiatus so that britpopbaby and Prophecy Girl can devote every waking moment to Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. And you know what happens to Muggles who post spoiler information on Jake Watch? Avada fuckin' Kedavra, bitches. Keep it in the forum!

Thursday, July 19, 2007

Spielberg Joins Jake Watch in Crusade Against Paramount

It appears that Steven Spielberg and DreamWorks Pictures might split with Paramount, perhaps largely because the Los Angeles public premiere of Zodiac was canceled at the last minute. "I was really looking forward to that Jake Watch post," Spielberg told reporters at a press conference earlier today, "They ruined it for everyone. How else is a person like me supposed to get a free 'I'm stalking Jake!' button?" Spielberg was of course referring to the wildly popular news organization that you are currently experiencing, famous for its accurate reporting and unmatched ability to capture exclusive quotes from famous people in the entertainment industry. Jake Watch readers may remember that DreamWorks produced the Jake Watch hit movie, The Day After Tomorrow Never Dies (TDATND) and the film's director, Prophecy Girl, received hands-on consulting from Spielberg during the bulk of filming.

However, the situation may be slightly more complicated than Spielberg let on. From BusinessWeek's coverage of the story: "People close to Spielberg say he is vexed that Paramount has treated [Jake Watch] shabbily and grabbed credit for [Jake Watch] productions [including the live-action version of Underdog.* It's a little-kept industry secret that the original plot of The Day After Tomorrow Never Dies made reference to a Jake Watch picture (Underdog) being considered as a catalyst for a career in children's movies for Jake Gyllenhaal (photographed below during a costume fitting).It was also no secret that Paramount's big Jake film of the year, Zodiac, was in stiff competition with TDATND. Not only did Paramount push Zodiac's release date further and further back until it was scheduled exactly one month after TDATND, presumably to play off the fervor created by the JW movie, but it appears they also began production of their own Underdog movie soon after the JW team put their version aside. Spielberg, who was slated to direct the JW version of the wacky dog comedy, expressed disappointment when the project was pushed off Jake Watch's schedule, presumably because Gyllenhaal's Presidential campaigning spread resources within the industry giant too thin to continue its production. Just this past weekend, Paramount's version of Underdog started being advertised on televisions across America**, and the rumors about a possible split between Spielberg and Paramount coming in conjunction with the advertising campaign is likely no coincidence.] If Spielberg were to leave, says a person [who is writing this story], he could take several of his hitmakers [i.e. Jake Watch] and the DreamWorks name with him. [Either way, Jake Watch will make no money off the live-action Underdog film, though the concept was widely regarded as JW's intellectual property.]"

Paramount, of course, is denying the split, any wrongdoing, and any knowledge of the inescapably painful Underdog. But in light of the complicated backstory, it seems that Spielberg's anger over the Zodiac premiere may have been just the out he needed to break off the painful relationship.

(BusinessWeek is not responsible for material contained in the brackets as it may have been creatively interpreted by our editors; for instance, if you were going to use "facts," then Underdog is actually a Buena Vista Production, and not part of Paramount Pictures. But aren't all movie studios eventually connected somewhere along the line?)

* Actual quote from the old JW Forum by Jla (we miss you!) June 30, 2006: It's clearly apparent to us that making this movie would be career suicide! The super hero has to be completely ludicrous like a live-action version of Underdog, complete with Jake in a dog costume and cape.

This is true.

And thank you AgentLola for finding this article!

Tuesday, July 17, 2007

Jake Gyllenhaal: A Multimedia Experience

According to sources deep within Jake Watch's intelligence department, Jake Gyllenhaal will be featured in the upcoming rewrite of the book, Bar Mitzvah, Bat Mitzvah: The Ceremony, the Party, and How the Day Came to Be. Besides having an overly long subtitle, the book will contain stories of several celebrity bar and bat mitzvahs, including Jake's, which was held in a homeless shelter (it was a hard time for the Gyllenhaal family). Long-time fans of Gyllenhaal may recall that Jake lived in a homeless shelter for several years before making it big as a Spandex model.

The staff at Jake Watch is diplomatically trying to overlook the fact that the book, written by Bert Metter, hits presses mere months before Jake Watch: The Stalking, the Blogging, and How My Restraining Order Came to Be. It's assumed that similarities in the titles and release dates are purely coincidental. Jake Watch, however, is betting that Jake's wistful reminiscing of his days as a homeless person will be much less entertaining than the pages upon pages of court documents contained in the BPB/PG-penned tome. Look for both before Christmas.

In related news, a video has appeared confirming a story first reported here in June that Jake will no longer be acting, but devoting all his time to a career in singing. This early evidence suggests that Gyllenhaal is having some trouble adjusting to his new medium as the video shows him doing little more than dramatically reading lines to an instrumental backing before rushing off stage and refusing an encore. His warm-up act has a lot of potential, though.

Thanks to heddaparsons for being an awesome forum member. :)

Monday, July 16, 2007

Bygone Days

A year ago, something very special happened in the world of Jake Watch. Boo the Puggle got his own MySpace page. This started a dog profile trend which is now so expansive some of us are a little creeped out by it. Jake Watch was prepared for a full-on anniversary party today, July 16, but then it was discovered that Boo's page actually went online on July 15 and therefore the appropriate day to celebrate had already come and gone. But when has appropriateness ever stood in the way of Jake Watch?

So today, let's take a look back, shall we, on the magnificence and the mystery of Boo Radley Gyllenhaal's Jake Watch history:

April 5, 2006: A mere three days into the wonder that would become Jake Watch, britpopbaby launches the "Free Boo" campaign, the first of her many unsuccessful forays into the world of public service.

April 7, 2006: Showing early signs of purebred fascination, britpopbaby devotes yet another post to the celebrity puggle, this time cruelly referring to him as a "fickle trend."

April 11, 2006
: Boo Watch is launched. Life as we know it is never the same.

April 12, 2006: Virtual Boo. Jesus. I really didn't know brits did so many posts on that damned dog.

April 14, 2006: Boo Watch, Part 2. But is that even Boo? I really don't think so. I mean, seriously, I don't think Jake even had this many posts devoted to him at this point.

April 25, 2006: Boo Watch, Part 3. Peter Sarsgaard and Prophecy Girl finally agree on something.

May 15, 2006: Boo shows up in some pap pictures. I forgot that Jake used to have a shaggy beard, like, all the freaking time.

May 16, 2006: Boo Watch: The Case of the Missing Puggle. Confession: PG has no idea what a deerstalker is.

June 30, 2006: Obey the Puggle shirt discovered, proving that you really can buy anything online.

July 1, 2006: britpopbaby apparently compiled most of the above posts in one concise location. Dammit!

July 14, 2006: A customized Boo "Obey the Puggle" shirt arrives at JW headquarters to be mailed to Jake at a later date. God only knows what happened to it after that.

July 15, 2006
: Boo's MySpace launches. And it is only by the sheerest of coincidences that it is logged into only on the exact days that the TDATND Film MySpace is checked.

August 5, 2006: Boo Watch: The Puggle Psyche. Kind of related to the MySpace post, but with a better picture.

August 7, 2006: Some of the last paparazzi pictures ever taken of Boo but, distracted by Jake's red shoes, no one notices him. Travesty.

September 21, 2006: Boo's autograph is sold off for charity. Perhaps the last conclusive evidence we have of his existence.

October 23, 2006: Where the hell is Boo? Apparently not under Peter's coat.

November 27, 2006: Is Boo gay? Probably not, but that Photoshop job is fucking creepy.

December - Boo gets several mentions but no posts to himself. Have we really moved on so quickly?

January 6, 2007
: Boo Watch: Sibling Rivalry. britpopbaby still cares!

January 24, 2007: Boo Watch: Is Boo a Republican? Er, who can really concentrate with Jake wearing a "Democrats Make Better Lovers" shirt?

February - Well, uh, it was a short month. Although apparently Fake Jake didn't get the memo his dog was missing.

March - Nothing.

April 17, 2007: News of Puggles of the Caribbean unveiled...complete with movie poster!

April 23, 2007: Boo found? Casual mentions of Boo's disappearance have skyrocketed during the month.

May 2, 2007: Boo's disappearance linked to Jake's facial hair.

May 3, 2007
: Jake Watch Craft Time! An amazing number of you actually mailed these postcards to Jake's management asking where Boo was. Would you believe our requests were ignored?

June and July - Er, apparently, we didn't care. Until today! Today we care.

So Jake Watch would just like to wish a Happy Anniversary to Boo's MySpace page and say that for a dog who appears to no longer be in the custody of Jake, he still gets more posts than Atticus.

Friday, July 13, 2007

Paramount continues to baffle us all...

If you happened to read a post on Jake Watch earlier this evening, PLEASE IGNORE IT. I'm not totally sure what's going on, but apparently it was definitely not the worst case scenario, as I had feared. It's entirely possible no one even read it and now everyone is confused with all the secrecy. So, don't worry about it! :)

Something you should worry about? HOW MUCH PARAMOUNT PICTURES SUCKS. It's probably old news to all of us by now that the DVD of Zodiac, which will hit American stores in a little over a week, has no extra features. At all. None. Not even a trailer. Hell, my copy of The Little Rascals ("That wasn't sand; that's kitty litter!") at least has a fucking trailer. Apparently Zodiac will come with trailers for OTHER DVD's, including (wait for it) the Special Edition of Zodiac. (Which comes out in 2008 and has the decency not to feature that picture of Jake on the cover where he looks like he's a few cards short of a full deck.) This the worst merchandising trick I've ever heard of, even worse than the Special Edition of Jarhead which was, like, released in secret and cost 1000 times the price of a normal DVD.

So this post is just a reminder to all of you that Paramount was once mean to me and I don't think Jake will be offended if you wait and only buy one version of the DVD. In fact, Jake Watch will be proud of you. Be an informed buyer, America. Paramount is not working for you! But Jake Watch is. Over and out.

Wednesday, July 11, 2007


I mean, were they even trying on this one?

Altered Photo:
Image Hosted by

Actual Photo:
Image Hosted by

More lies at IHJ!

Monday, July 09, 2007

Jake Gyllenhaal: From President to King of the World

Presidential candidate Jake Gyllenhaal has been named MKP's Sexiest Lad in the World, a contest he won so handily that none of the other Presidential candidates even placed. My Kinda Place (MKP) was quoted as saying, "If the number of votes that he received are anything to go by (he walked it) then he can sleep easy, safe in the knowledge that he has a very long career ahead of him (as long as he's looking this hot anyway)." Well said, MKP. Jake will, no doubt, have a long 4- to 8-year career ahead of him as President of the United States of America, although Jake Watch is going on record as saying we think his talent (i.e. political potential) overshadows his ridiculous physical hotness and MKP should be shut down immediately for preaching to youngsters that success is something that comes (and is sustainable) only to those who are good-looking. What the fuck kind of website is that?

When asked about his victory, Jake said, "This is almost as exciting as that time everyone voted that they wished I was gay. Thank God something came along to take the focus away from that Stewart/Colbert crap." By "crap," Jake was referring to the Great Stephen Colbert Smear-a-thon of Last Week in which he was harshly accused of not being an environmentalist just because it took him a billion years to buy a hybrid...which he appears to never drive. No matter, his recent(ly discovered) triumph in being named a lad of exceptional sexiness was enough to convince Leonardo DiCaprio that Jake Gyllenhaal is the best man for the Presidency. "Let's not forget," DiCaprio told Jake Watch, "that I played a doomed guy named 'Jack' in a tragic love story long before Heath Ledger decided to be a sheep herder, but as long as that's clear, then yeah. I'll use my record as an environmental activist to help him out of this mess. But only because he is the sexiest lad I know."

DiCaprio, who did not make the Sexy Lad List, has a new documentary coming out about environmental issues (11th Hour) and a website that makes Jake's Official Site look so unbelievably pathetic that Jake Watch is ashamed to the point of humiliation that the assault we launched on it was unsuccessful (for more on why Harrison Cheung doesn't have time to maintain Jake's site, click HERE). Regardless, the Jake in '08 campaign is pleased that Leo's environmental record can now be transferred to Jake via a series of confusing public service messages. Brilliant!

So it's settled. Jake is sexy, he has no problem getting the popular vote, and environmentalists like him. The Jake in '08 campaign could not possibly be going any better. When asked about his feelings regarding Leo's commitment to his campaign, Jake, lad that he is, looked like this:
Thanks to ATD for finding the golden Harrison Cheung tidbit. That is actually way better than anything we could have made up.

Sunday, July 08, 2007

Recognition from the Highest Echelons - Finally

Jake has been nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize as interpretated by the Teen Choice Award 2007 secret circle. He has also been nominated for the Orange Prize for Fiction, for a novel he is yet to write but the proposal he sketched out in stick-figures on a napkin was so brilliant they went ahead anyway.

Obviously, canvassing must begin so I urge you all to head HERE to vote. You have to promise your soul to a wireless networking devil but I think it's worth it.

Enjoy this picture of some drunks while you contemplate how generally brilliant Jake is and how much he deserves your vote, in comparison to say, Hayden Panettiere.

Friday, July 06, 2007

Hot Brokeback - By The Power of Greyskull!

It helps if you've seen both films. If you haven't, well....fuck you.

Tuesday, July 03, 2007

Jake Watch Reverses 231 Years of American Independence

Dear Jake,

Just a quick note to keep you updated on your campaign for Presidential victory. Maybe if you'd give us your email, we wouldn't have to keep doing this in a public arena, but whatevs. Now, the two scandals from last week rocked the boat slightly. First off, Iowa is pissed and Idaho is confused. Secondly, the white witches are digging you BIG time whilst the Evangelicals are burning effigies - we didn't think this would present much of a problem but it turns out there are more Evangelics than white witches and they have like, their own TV network. So, to detract from your "envitable plummeting journey to the Underworld due to your commendation of witchcraft", we thought we might wheel out the big guns - that's right. POLICY. Apparently voters want to hear about what you plan to do when you get elected. Like 'be hot' isn't enough for these people.

So, we've been working on a few ideas, y'know, the usual - global warming, Iraq War, Paris Hilton - when we thought, wait! This is Jake Gyllenhaal's election mandate and what says 'Jake Gyllenhaal' more than STRAIGHT OUTTA LEFT FIELD. So, we present to you now, a proposed policy we concocted in preperation for the July 4th celebrations:

Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your ears:

When in the course of human events, it becomes necessary for two people to dissolve the creative restrictions which have bound them to lesser websites and to assume the powers of the internet, the unified international achievements to which the Laws of Blogger entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of Jake Gyllenhaal fans requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to reverse the separation as set forth by our forefathers on July 4, 1776.

Four score and seven weeks ago, britpopbaby set forth upon this internet a new blog, conceived in jest and dedicated to the proposition that Jake Gyllenhaal is hot shit.

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that not all men are created equal, that some are endowed by their Creator with certain unattainable hotness, that among these greater men are Jake Gyllenhaal and Jake Gyllenhaal alone. — That to secure his station as object of our affection, websites are instituted among men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the people who read them…[legal crap] to them shall seem most likely to effect their online enjoyment of Jake’s sexy body and stellar acting career.

We, therefore, the Representatives of Jake Gyllenhaal, assembled under the power of the Google web search, appealing to the Supreme Judge of the world (i.e. Jake) for the rectitude of our intentions, do, in the name, and by authority of the good People of Jake Watch, solemnly publish and declare, that the united Colonies of America will reinstate Allegiance to the British Crown under the Rule and Guidance of britpopbaby (of the Crown) and Prophecy Girl (of the Colonies) so that heretofore the two nations, conceived in liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal (except for Jake), shall join as one to share duties on the site known as Jake Watch.

That this blog, under Jake, shall have a new birth of freedom, and Jake Watch, as a unifier of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth.


Sources: The Declaration of Independence, the Constitution, the Gettysburg Address, Mark Antony's speech from Julius Caesar, and my ass.

What? Not gonna fly? C'mon! British people are hot right now, look at Kirsten Dunst's boyfriend! Oh...sorry. And you LOVE British people, look:

Sunday, July 01, 2007

The Second Campaign Scandal Hits HQ Hard

For the love of Ronald Weasley!!
Who went and released these frickin' pictures? Presidential candidate Jake Gyllenhaal moonlighting as bleedin' Harry Potter! We were having enough trouble thinking of ways to win over the Bible belt - now what the HELL are we supposed to do? Jesus Christ. Witchcraft is just not popular with any demographic...except Pagans.

Oh, I get it. This is LOW, Hillary, LOW.