Saturday, November 11, 2006

IT'S STILL OCTOBER IN MOVIE REVIEW TERMS

Anneka's review of October Sky continued....if anyone has forgotten what has come before, which surely must be everyone by now, you can read Part One HERE and Part Two HERE.

PS - beabee made some super sweeeeeet The-Day-After-Tomorrow-Anneka-review inspired doodles and posted them in the forum. Way cool.
PPS - Jake is totally gay. I knew it, I knew it all along...


A car turns up at Cape Coalwood and a man and his kids get out. They’ve come to see the new rocket. Row-Lee lights it and the Rocketeers get in the bunker. Off goes the rocket, heading straight for the bloke and nearly killing him. The bloke flew during WW2 and seeing the rocket coming at him almost took him back. Yeah, back to taking his tablets for PTS. He has a look at the rocket and tells them the heat is melting the nozzle. He tells them they need a certain type of steel which the Rocketeers cannot afford. So they go digging up the railway line. Odell says this line isn’t in use and this bit he digs up is worth $8.20. There we go people – need some fast cash, forget selling organs, dig up railway lines. Then, in the distance, they hear a train a-coming. And shit themselves. They desperately try to put the piece back in place, then a la The Railway Children, everyone’s favourite Christmas movie next to The Sound of Music, rip off their underwear to try and warn the train. Okay, maybe they just run up the track waving. Just as it seems that the Rocketeers are going to have derailed their first train, the train switches tracks and scoots right past them, the elderly driver waving feebly. Phew. Narrowly avoided their second mass-homicide there.

The boys exchange their stolen bits of railway for cash and in turn exchange that cash for a sexy cylinder of steel. DA SHERMANATOR GETS OVEREXCITED VEN TELLING DA PILOT GUY ABOUT RACKETS. The rocket building is not going so well as we are on AUK5. Which explodes. Boys steal more railway line. Two more rockets explode, one of which while Jake is looking concerned while wearing a sexy scarf. DA SHERMANATOR EXPLAINS VAT IS WRONG AND DEY DECIDE TO MAKE IT LONGER. It seems in this case, size does matter. Several more rockets explode. We’re shown the faces of the Rocketeers in the bunker as they do, and it’s good viewing, including the happy faces when one rocket comes back to earth safely. Then explodes too. The last one loops around on itself and head for the boys. They leg it behind a hill and it explodes inches away.

DA SHERMANATOR SAYS DEY ARE GETTING AIR PACKETS WHICH ARE FUCKING UP DA RACKETS AND DEY NEED A LIQUID BINDER. Row-Lee suggests gasoline. Like I said, bran for brains. Odell points out the stupidity of that – “Four unidentifiable high school students lost their lives this morning”. Jake suggests alcohol. DA SHERMANATOR SAYS IT WOULD HAVE TO BE PURE VAN HUNDRED PER CENT. The Shermanator knows how to have a good time. Row-Lee, having West Virginia’s Biggest Drunk as a Step-Daddy, knows exactly where to find such firewater. The Rocketeers go to a cabin in the woods. We all know how that story goes. They come out completely legless with a jar of juice and we see them carefully mixing the alcohol with the rocket fuel by means of a long stick.

There are now several cars at Cape Coalwood come to see the latest rocket, including Mrs Sam Neill who gave the boys a lift. And a handjob. The audience includes Susie Highschool who asks stupidly “Is that really gonna fly?”. No love, but my fist will in a minute. Brother of Jake is also there with his friends, ready to make fun of them. The Rocketeers have made themselves a real sophisticated lighter out of a wheel, a match and a bit of string. Jake tells Susie Highschool to get behind something - he doesn’t want her pretty face all burnt up. Jake pulls the string, they count down and AUK VII lifts into the sky beautifully. Everyone cheers, even Brother of Jake and especially Mrs Sam Neill and Susie Highschool who comes over to congratulate them but is dragged away by her footballer boyfriend who is not as attractive as Jake.

It’s Jake’s birthday. Another year, another jumper. Jake has mail. New Movie Mom says it’s from Grandma but it’s a signed picture of scientist Jean-Claude Van Damme. Brother of Jake is confused, thinking it’s a signed picture of Grandma. New Movie Mom winks at NPC, telling us they arranged this as a birthday present. Or that that’s a signal to meet in the bedroom in ten minutes. Doctor Van Damme has also written him a letter, urging him to continue with his education instead of working in the mine. Or words to that effect. NPC is not impressed with this but then phone rings so Jake storms out. It’s his birthday, he deserves a little attention. Jake always deserves a little attention.

Mrs Sam Neill has also bought Jake a birthday present - a book on guided missile design. Yeah, nothing says Happy Birthday like a book on how to build guided missiles. She says the maths is hard but Jake says he’ll learn. He’s off to show the Rocketeers when Headmaster corners him. He says nothing about her buying Jake a birthday present, surely a no-no in the teaching profession, and instead lectures her on giving him false hope. Yeah, you’re never going to leave Sam Neill for Jake, are you, you hussy? Headmaster says the lucky ones get out on football scholarships, the rest work in the mine, like Grumpy, Sneezy, Dopey and the other graduates of Coalwood High. Mrs Sam Neill believes in the unlucky ones. Jake’s not unlucky so leave him alone.

There’s a strange man at Jake’s house and NPC cruelly raises Jake’s hopes by making him think the man is there to offer him a scholarship. Instead, he’s there to offer Brother of Jake a scholarship. Altogether now: BOOOOOOOOOOO! The college guy however is nice enough to encourage Jake to keep at his rockets while Brother of Jake suggests Jake could get a Science-Fiction scholarship. Don’t laugh Brother of Jake, people get scholarships to study Buffy The Vampire Slayer these days, these dark dark days.

Jake is disillusioned and angry with life so writes to his mentor, Jean-Claude Van Damme, saying he will continue. He goes to invite NPC to see his rocket take off but NPC blows him off. Not like that. Jake complains that NPC’s always there to watch his favourite son play football, so NPC says he’ll try and be there. But then there’s a mini-earthquake and the sirens go off. Second Movie Mine Disaster. Hope no-one let Jensen down there. No-one is hurt, so Jake is allowed to be angry as NPC leaves to help.

At Cape Coalwood, there’s a real crowd, including cheerleaders singing the hits from High School Musical. All together now: We’re soarin’! Flyin’! Jake runs out to greet his adoring fans. New Movie Mom is there, as is Euro-Mining Guy and Plainer Jane who has brought along her hots for Jake. Who can blame her? Off flies the rocket, everyone is amazed and very impressed. As Row-Lee and Odell skip off to find their rocket, a reporter comes to talk to Jake. He writes a terribly OTT article, saying that the Rocketeers play not football, but with APOLLO’S FIRE! Holy shit that’s exciting! Susie Highschool wants Jake to sign her newspaper because it’s the 50s and no-one’s heard of signing breasts yet. Jake is so busy drooling, Row-Lee takes the opportunity to remind him how to spell his name. Well done Row-Lee, that’s funny. But the fun doesn’t last for long, or continues depending on how you think about it, when the cops turn up. Mrs Sam Neill bursts into the office, screaming about handcuffs. Turns out there was an expensive forest fire last week and a rocket is to blame. Well, that could be anybody. Perhaps it was Sputnik. You arrested any Russians? The newspaper led them to Jake, who cannot account for all his rockets. Quick, someone start baking him a cake with a file in it while I call Cruise to see if he’ll reprise his role in A Few Good Men. Jake and Friends are dragged off to the police station, Susie Highschool shocked and Plainer Jane in tears.

NPC collects Jake wearing a very nice hat. He tells Jake that if he wasn’t a minor, he’d be in the pen. But NPC, Jake’s not a miner, I thought that’s why you had beef with him. While NPC is yelling, we hear someone being walloped outside a shop. NPC goes over and, due to the dodgy widescreen feature of my TV, I eventually work out that it’s Row-Lee’s step-daddy - you remember, the drunkest one in West Virginia? – slapping Row-Lee about. See, NPC don’t seem so bad now, does he Jake? NPC gives Row-Lee’s step-daddy a talking to and says if he hits him again, he’ll have the biggest ass-whupping in West Virginia. Jake and a bruised Row-Lee sit awkwardly in the car together as NPC tells Row-Lee he liked his real Daddy. It’s a really nice moment.

Which is followed up by the Rocketeers making Molotov cocktails and burning down Cape Coalwood. Everyone looks very miserable as Jake says “Let’s go have some fun.” Oh, so it’s back to the basement is it? No, the Owl’s Nest club, which is the rockin’est spot in Coalwood. Odell and The Shermanator are eyeing up some girls, neither of which looks like Shannon Elizabeth. DA SHERMANATOR SAYS DEY JUST GOT ARRESTED AND THAT DA GIRLS WON’T DANCE WIT DEM. Odell tells him he knows nothing about women, the second most accurate observation of the film. Jake spots Susie Highschool who he has heard has broken up with her boyfriend. Obviously for Jake. Plainer Jane gets up to talk to him but sees he only has eyes for Susie and dissolves into a blob-like substance. Jake walks towards Susie like he’s Homer and she’s a donut, a donut clad in a 50s sweater. Then her new boyfriend turns up – Brother of Jake. D’oh! Jake looks like he wants to pummel his brother but instead says “Way to go” with as little enthusiasm as he can spare. Brother of Jake gives him a sexy little wink, which I’m slightly confused about.

22 comments:

Anonymous said...

When you get to the end of this story would you like to review another Jake and & Heath vehicle? It started its run 5 months ago, and it is only halfway to the finish line.

It is called Broken Arsed Mountain, and here is the link to it, you will be ROFLYAO!

http://bettermost.net/forum/index.php?topic=2739.msg45336#msg45336

Smurfeyshmoo said...

Oh Anneka, I honestly don't know what I would do with my Saturday mornings in my pajamas without your reviews. I always did think Mrs. Sam Neill was creepily involved with Jake in this movie. Ho.

Anonymous said...

When you get to the end of this story would you like to review another Jake and & Heath vehicle? It started its run 5 months ago, and it is only halfway to the finish line.

It's called Broken Arsed Mountain, and here is the link to it, you will be ROFLYAO!

B.A.M. at BetterMost.net

kaydee said...

B.A.M. at BetterMost.net

what the hell is that?! the layout is so confusing i can't get it :( though it does sound fun

anneka, love your review even though (or perhaps because) i've never seen the film

in the comments from the previous part SquallCloud mentioned the 30 second bunnies doing BBM
what does it mean? souns intriguing...

Prophecy Girl said...

Don’t laugh Brother of Jake, people get scholarships to study Buffy The Vampire Slayer these days, these dark dark days.

Wait a minute! They do? What? Where? How? Dark times, my ass. Brilliant, Anneka. Have I mentioned how I love the Shermantor? Well, the way you write him. In the movie I always thought he was borderline creepy. You're making it necessary for me to watch the movie again.

Kaydee, go here.

Wet For Went said...

Click Here for the Brokeback Mountain Bunnies

Wet For Went said...

PG beat me to it!

Prophecy Girl said...

^^^ Great minds, baby! Simultaneously posting. Awesome.

kaydee said...

thank you PG and Wet for Went. it's awesome. love the elk&sheep at the end. hilarious. how did i miss it before???!!!

Nothing Really Matters said...

Anneka dahling i'll have to go back and read the first part i missed it!

Simon Agent 002 said...

With 1261 profile views, Pussy your spreading yourself thinner than crêpe.

Nothing Really Matters said...

^^ Well dear i do like to get around! Although i think you should check Brits's profile file. I think you'll find she's been round the block so many times i've lost count ;-)

muffin said...

Loving this review of one of my favourite Jake movies.

Simon Agent 002 said...

I just want to know?
Will England send care packages when the shit finally hits the fan over here?
Maybe those nice butter cookies that come in tins, with views of thatched roofed timber houses?

Anonymous said...

OT: There are some pictures of Jake and Lance from a charity bike ride in TX dated 10/14 & 10/15 On IHJ. It was a bike ride for the Livestrong charity and not only was money raised for a good cause, these are not pap pictures!

perfectscore_goldstar said...

**bows to Anneka**

We're not worthy ! ! !

You are truly on heckuva gem ... I laughed out loud several times, especially (for some weird reason) at New Movie Mom winks at NPC, telling us they arranged this as a birthday present. Or that that’s a signal to meet in the bedroom in ten minutes.

Could be because I have the Wizard of Oz playing in the background and I'm just feeling a little bizarre and childish this evening ...

Keep it coming ! ! !

amerita said...

anonymous 2:14, thanks, went over to look at th pics. What can I say, what a sweet sweet, caring guy. The one pic where he appear to be signing his autograph on the back of the bald kid is so so sweet...

em said...

Hey Prophecy Girl,

There is A LOT of academic interest in Buffy... I recommend checking out www.slayage.tv to get you started. They should have a lot of links to specific individuals and their institutions. I also recommend joining the 'buffyology' yahoogroup - http://www.geocities.com/buffyology/
Oh, and there have been several collections of essays on Buffy, which you'll find links to at Slayage.
Have fun! :o)

Prophecy Girl said...

Ooooh, em, thanks!!! I'll check it out pronto!

em said...

PG,

Tell me if you find anything interesting... what are your favourite episodes? :o)

Anonymous said...

Broke Arsed Mountain can be found at www.bettermost.net on Chez Tremblay board, under thread named "The Performance". In case you are interested. It's a long play in the form of a thread with many stupid jokes and weird characters, which includes Michael Jackson. We could use a review as ridiculous as B.A.M is.

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