Friday, September 29, 2006


Jake, you do realize that I haven't had to do any work this week, right? Nothing. At all. No flipping through the archives at IHJ tracking down previously uncovered stalking travesties, no comprehensive surveys of any one aspect of your wardrobe, no sitting around bored out of my mind, wondering when you're ever going to show up again...because you're EVERYWHERE (in New York)! I realize the pap pics royally suck from your perspective, but I wanted to say thank you for the easiest week in Jake Watch history.

Alright, everyone can now commence with the "Is Jake shaving his legs?" debate.

Photos from IHJ and Splash News.

Thursday, September 28, 2006


Our affiliates, dear virtual friends and sometime lovers, The Sargaals, are putting together a book of well wishes for the upcoming Gyllengaard and have called it (rather fantasically) Great Expectations. So if you'd like to send a message get over their pronto and submit your creative juices. VISIT HERE! It will reach Maggie and Peter as it is being given to Peter's mum, Judy.

Which brings me onto Jake Watch's gift for The Gyllengaard (it was all miffed's idea so she is getting the blame regardless of the fact she is still internet-less). There is a topic in the forum about it but seens as this baby will probably be in high school be the time we get our asses in gear, I'm giving those asses a shove. By this time tomorrow (7.30pm my time) I'm making a definite decision on what we're going to buy.

The options are:
a) Something charitable - plant a tree, save an acre of rainforest, yadda, yadda, yadda
b) Comedy animal - donkey, Anneka the brain damaged seal, marmoset, orangutang.

So get in the forums and make your opinion known or forever hold your tounge with a pair of brass plated Alice In Wonderland Nutcrackers.

I vote 100% comedy animal because this is Jake Watch, people, Jake Watch.

Man, I can't even keep to self-imposed deadlines. Right, decision is final - I'm buying an orangutang from the local zoo, stuffing it in a box and posting it to New York. Or, the legal and humane option: adoption.

We have a variety of comedy animals to choose from including:
...and the list continues in this vein for some pages more.

They're funny names but are they funny looking? I'm going to have to cross reference and get back to you.


Apparently Blogger doesn't like this post because it refused to publish it for, like, EVER. Anyway, there are about 150,000 other pictures from this set over on IHJ. I'm not even lying. It's an embarrassment of riches, the likes of which is making it difficult for me to be snarky. How do you say something sarcastic when there's Gyllenarm linkage?! We are going to have to keep an eye on this Jamie Lee Curtis situation, though. We're dangerously close to a Back Away From My Man intervention, although I'm willing to let it slide for now on account of aforementioned cuteness.

EDIT: And then the clouds opened up and God said, "I love you, Gyllenhaalics." So, apparently, allegedly, possibly, within a week, you will be able to see Jake (briefly) on the big screen, as the trailer for Zodiac premieres with the release of The Departed. It must be because of our dutiful Sock Watching that God loves us so.


More pictures. Good God. After a prolonged drought, we appear to have entered a rainy season (I love a good weather metaphor). All the Gyllenhaal's you could ever want, plus Jamie Lee the same picture! But where is Peter?!? (And yes, the baby is due...soon. Oooooh, cryptic enough for you? Not that I have inside information...or do I?)

Photos from IHJ.

Wednesday, September 27, 2006



So excited by his new look, Jake sported both gangsta (Exhibit A) and non-gangsta (Exhibit B) style one-leg pant-roll-up action, causing an uproar in the fashion world. The news spread quickly across New York, and by Wednesday morning, designers in Paris were frantically making last minute adjustments to their fall lines. Mr. Gyllenhaal was also seen donning some sort of sweater-thingy, which he stored casually on his shoulder, hereby definitively banishing the "tied-around-your-waist" look. Gyllenhaal was unavailable for comment, but we here at Jake Watch have no doubt that this was a strategic fashion move on his part, the full ramifications of which have yet to be seen.

Also, there was something about him being in a movie? Or something?

Tuesday, September 26, 2006


To some random person I don't know in Hong Kong! Dammit, I guess that means I won't be wriggling my way in as the "guest" in this situation. Hey, winning bidder, I'm only OK with you going as long as you keep your hands to yourself and promise a Jake Watch Exclusive Report detailing your entire day. Details such as sock height and components of the cheap-ass lunch that Jake won't be buying you are essential.

Was anyone else compulsively following the bidding there towards the end? No? Just me? There was a $2000 jump in price at the last second. I was going to be heartbroken if he didn't hit the $5,000 mark. It's Jake Fucking Gyllenhaal!

This picture has nothing to do with anything.


Now, Jake. I know that we've had some issues with this in the past. And I know it must be confusing for you since you have this thing with britpopbaby but then every once in a while I show up out of nowhere and lots of times you can't even tell which one of us is with you because we're so alike it's sort of like we're twins separated at birth except for living on different continents and being different ages and looking nothing alike. So, I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt and assume you're scoping out potential Sock Watch (copyright Jake Watch 2006) material and just forgot that we don't really care about other people's socks because why would we when we have your socks to look after?

Erm, anyway, I guess I'll let you off the hook this time. By the way, did I ever tell you you look good in jeans? 'Cause you do and, uh, these get the PG Stamp of Approval. I know that means a lot to you, so you're welcome.

Monday, September 25, 2006


I need your opinions on something and be 100% honest:

Can you rate your interest in Stephen Gyllenhaal from 1-5 (general interest not pervy thoughts). It's for a show-and-tell I'm doing at school, thanks!

Scale of Sarcasam added to aid some pupils:

5. Poppa G rocks my socks! Poetry, films, politics - bring it on.
4. He begat The Gyllenhaal, it's all good in my book.
3. I like his ass. What? Is that not appropiate?.
2. Sometimes Jake does not fufill my needs and I turn to Pops in desperation.
1. Who?

Not satisfied with the choices above? Try these instead:
a. I just use Jake to get closer to Poppa G.
b. britpopbaby, sometimes you confuse me more than I'd like to be confused.
c. What? You want my bank details too, woman?

Sunday, September 24, 2006


Quick! Drop everything 'cos it's that time of the week again.

Now, in recent months there has been a lot of whining going on regarding Jake's current choice of busom buddies. Personally, I don't get what you're bitching about - anyone who smokes weed, does yoga and plays the bongos naked is A.O.K in my books and Matthew McConaughey isn't too bad either. But, Jake Watch being the public service that it is, I guess we should take a moment to choose some new, more appropiate playmates for Jake. As soon as something gets the official Jake Watch seal of approval there can be no more complaints (ooo, that just gave me an idea!).

A. Snoop Doggy Dogg
Now you steppin' with Big G from Los Angeles
Where the helicopters got cameras
Don't think I'll be bikin' up mountains wit you Jake,
We're gonna chill by the pool wit my home-made cakes.
Fo' Shizzle!

B. His Holiness The 14th Dali Lama of Tibet
Now that would make for some boring ass Pap pics.
C. Oceans 11 through 24
Clooney needs a new mac to ride with ever since Pitt and Damon got all sprogged up.
D. Paris Hilton and friends.
I can't remember who her friends are anymore but I sure know all about her enemies. Maybe Jake could help patch up that rift with Firecrotch and Skeletor. Or maybe not.
E. Lieutanent Dan and Forrest Gump.
Shrimp Boat Captain? Plenty of fresh air, exercise and well, shrimp. Sorry, I don't know what it is with me and Lieutanent Dan lately.

F. Tom Cruise
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. McBongo not looking so shoddy now, is he?

Saturday, September 23, 2006


A Jake Gyllenhaal Set Visit can be yours for just 2000+ dollahs!

Nice. Thanks a bunch Gyllenhaal. Yet more waving of the proverbial carrot in front of the proverbial donkey. Well, this literal stalker ain't biting, mainly because she has no $2000 and unfortunately the Jake Watch Piggy Bank stands at around $250, but I promised that was for the Gyllengaard and copious amounts of Bombay Sapphire.

Yep, ebay via ACLU are pimping out Big G all in the name of freedom and liberty and stuff. Did you know the poor have rights? Amazing.

Now, I've been watching a lot of CSI:NY lately and so I thought I'd put my newly acquired detective skills and Noo Yawk accent into action to investigate this 'once in a lifetime' auction. I asked Lieutenant Dan to help me out

Point 1. Transportation and accommodations are not included.
So you pay $2000+ and you don't even get a bus ticket or a night on a blood-stained mattress at a $6 motel? Tight bastards.
Lieutenant Dan says: What a crock of shit.

Point 2. Gyllenhaal's official website includes a section on causes he cares about, with links to College Summit, NION and the ACLU.
Hey! So do we. Man, we never get the recognition we deserve. And on't even get me started on that 'official' site.
Lieutenant Dan says: Well kiss my crippled ass!

Point 3. Buyer will pay actual shipping charges to be determined after the auction based on weight and destination.
WTF? They're gonna ship the Gyllenhaal?
Lieutenant Dan says: Get that pig unfucked and get it on the tree line!

Point 4. He doesn't have a film planned at the moment, but he will certainly make one, and then we will make arrangements with the winner.
That sounds like a threat to this psuedo detective. He will make a film if it's the last thing ACLU do!
Lieutenant Dan says: Have you found Jesus yet?

Yeah, I'm not gonna ask for Lieutenant Dan's help again.


I guess you can blame me. Apparently I'm unable to balance a 9-5, gin addiction, blogging duties and full-time stalking. I better quit my job.

Yeah, while I was out putting pounds in the tax man's pocket I missed this baby: innocent passer-by. Look at him with his tie-dye sweatshirt and ill-fitting pants; he just passed Jake right. on. by. Shocker.

Friday, September 22, 2006


Preliminary reports suggest that she has Boo stuffed in that sucker for safe-keeping, but until we hear back from our Photo Analysis Team, we won't know for sure. In other news, Jake is putting the "sexy" back in grandpa sweaters. Geriatrics never looked so hot. Ow-ow!

Thursday, September 21, 2006


Okay, as you know, I'm all about the charidee but honestly, why would you want that unless you were, say, us?

Maybe if anyone here is attending the auction you could buy it for us and we'll hang it on the Finance Deptmartment office wall of JW HQ ('cos those guys need a morale boost), seriously, we're the only people in the world who would appreciate it.

More Info


Um, what the hell small, plastic, thumb-sucking, baby doll? Poor Jake is just standing on the sidewalk demonstrating his bowling stance for us, and you've propped yourself up to watch in what may be the most blatant case of blatant stalking I've ever seen. And don't even deny that you're checking out his ass. Quite frankly, I don't think that's appropriate for someone your age, but seeing as how the sexiness of the Gyllenhaal sometimes overrides the laws of nature, I guess I can let it slide this time. But sucking your thumb? While staring intently at his lower regions? While leaning up against the window? The amateur nature of this operation is just shocking. I'm amazed you haven't drooled all over the glass. Just be thankful Jake is too intent on showing us his form to turn around...and next time, leave the stalking to the professionals.

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

Tuesday, September 19, 2006


That's sort of my favorite beer. I knew we were a match made in heaven. In other news, John Mayer is very sweaty and McMatty has dropped off the face of the earth. And Jake went to a concert with Lance Armstrong wearing green cargo shorts and a white t-shirt! I can't take all this craziness!!

EDIT: I lied. McMatty is, in fact, alive and well and not forsaking his duties as the third amigo. I'll admit I didn't do any research before I made that statement. It's a loose ship around here. Hey, look! Here's a picture of Jake as he spots britpop making her way through the crowds at the Austin City Limits show. You can't see me, but I swear I'm standing right next to him wearing the same expression.

Monday, September 18, 2006


I know a rag on Kirsten Dunst and here is why:

1) She has more money than I'll ever see in my sorry ass lifetime.
2) She made woohoo with Jake Gyllenhaal and I, contary to reports, have not.
3) She gets to travel between NY, LA and the rest of the world. I get to travel on the M6.
4) She attends Hollywood premieres and other showbiz type gatherings. I'm not even high enough up to get tossed out of Hollywood premieres and other showbiz type gatherings.
5) She has a very nice wardrobe and I, oh wait, I have a smokin' collection of casual city shorts too! We're even on this one Dunst.

Okay, that's just a few points and I think I'm justified. It's only human nature to despise those more fortunate than yourself and if you claim otherwise you must be a liar or a Christian or something. HOWEVER...I saw this picture and for a few moments I felt SORRY FOR KIRSTEN DUNST.
Nobody deserves to have some wrinkly make with the smooth moves whilst you're just trying to catch some rays. If this was Jake it would be a severe case of Blatant Stalking.

Sunday, September 17, 2006


Anneka's back! Yay! And she still hasn't figured out how to use Blogger! Yay!

Now, a week or so ago, there was a 'biography' of Jake on the 'Biography' Channel. A lot of people emailed me begging me to capture it in some kind of video format but I like letting people down so I didn't record it. What I did do though was ask Anneka to watch it for me and make detailed notes. And she did. God bless her. So, if you haven't watched it or if you have but would like to read about it then knock yourself out. Obviously it's not an accurate portrayal of Jake's life, in fact, they seem to have fabricated most of it because we all know THIS is Jake's true life story but, whatever.

And if you're one of those people who can't read beyond one paragraph I suggest you go and frolic on a spaghetti junction. Give the local law enforcement officers something to do. Only messin' with ya! Look, I rolled it up so it won't hurt your brains!

Welcome back to Anneka’s Picture House. Parking may be limited.

Today children, we’re going to have a history lesson. No, it’s not going to involve the words ‘Hitler’s Four-Year-Plan’. This is a kind of history we’re all interested in – Jake History! How many more of us would have taken A-Level History if we spent a term on Jake? Well, not on Jake…

After a fierce letter-writing campaign from those at Jake Watch and affiliated organisations, The Biography Channel have finally accepted the great Jake Gyllenhaal into their illustrious hall of fame which includes the likes of Danielle Steel and Shania Twain, and have dedicated half an hour detailing his rise from moderate rags to mucho riches. So settle back and prepare to learn all they have to teach us about the wonder that is Gyllenhaal Junior. There will be a “Pop-Quiz Hotshot” at the end and the most intelligent student will win a Kit-Kat. That somebody else will provide.

Before the extravaganza begins, we have an advert for people who want their vision fixed. They have a special offer for pirates – only £595 per eye. There’s also a cheesy advert for yet another Motown CD collection. How can Michael Jackson be bankrupt when he’s on EVERY Motown CD ever made at least twice? Oh that’s right, them lawsuits.

Here we go. The announcer calls Jake “the dah-ling of the tabloids”. That’s a bit Stephen Fry. Young-Hollywood-Awards Jake Complete With Tufty Hair tells us he’ll keep doing it until he can’t do it no more. Damn it, he’s talking about acting. And then he’ll find another vocation. Seems like he wants to be the next Olsen twin. Those girls got their fingers in every pie. Except they never actually eat the pie.

Uber-cute shot of Mini-Cowboy Jake Complete With Hat And Lasso. Man, he knew what he wanted to be when he grew up. Apparently, his fans describe themselves as “Gyllen-holics”. I always thought we were just called plain “Stay the hell away from me or so help me God!” Voice-Over Man tells us Jake’s films often represent his ethics - all Bubble Boys should be set free to find their girlfriends and Jake will fight for that right.

Jake tells us he’s in the business because his family is in the business. Is his brother Fredo sleeping with the fishes? Then comes the bit Jake will see again on This Is Your Life. Dennis Quaid sings his praises, saying he’s got a great future ahead of him. Quaid knows. Next is a rather heavily made-up Jena Malone calling him amazing. Malone knows too. And the guest of honour – “You played his lover while you should have been tending sheep and you’re also Godfather to his baby. That’s right, it’s your pal Heath Ledger.” Heath couldn’t have asked for a better actor or a nicer person on Brokeback Mountain. ‘Cos Christian Slater’s too old for that gig now.

Cue Jake Sporting A Bit Of A Quiff receiving a kiss from Jamie Lee Curtis, his Godmother. Voice-Over Man tells us that Jake’s family ties helped him out in a cut-throat business. Loan-sharking.

This is what I love about The Biography Channel. They get in complete randoms to tell us stuff that they’ve guessed about famous people they’ve never met. Maybe I should get a job with them. Anyway, Mike Goodridge of Screen International, tells us Jake has been playing stimulating provocative roles since he was a teenager and this, along with his good looks – good looks? Hadn’t noticed - have helped make him the Hollywood A-Lister he is today.

Born Jacob Benjamin Gyllenhaal on 19th December 1980 in Los Angeles, Jake had the unfortunate burden thrust upon him of receiving the ‘combined-Birthday-and-Christmas-presents’. Uber-Cute Mini-Cowboy Jake returns, saying his parents helped him out a lot. Like giving him his bath, putting him to bed. Apparently he was offered a lot of movies that his parents turned down. Oh Papa Gyllenhaal! If Jake wanted to be in Nightmare on Elm Street 17, you shouldn’t have stood in his way!

Jake played Billy Crystal’s son in City Slickers. I’ve only ever seen City Slicker 2. There was some sitting on of cacti which I enjoyed a lot. Mini Jake says he learned acting from Billy Crystal. Hmmmmm. Mini-Jake also says he likes it when people come up to him and compliment him. Take note people. If you compliment him first, your chances of getting him in your car are highly improved. Mini-Jake says he likes riding horses but he’s not very good at it. Awww, he says he’s scared of horses. Me too Mini-Jake, me too. And we’ve both been to New York. Now we’ve got enough in common that we’ll still have something to talk about after the wedding.

Mini-Jake then partakes in a little circus freakery in the form of making his shoulder pop out. He says he’s double-jointed. Always good to know things like that about the men you admire/stalk. Mini-Jake hopes he can do more movies like that. So how come he wasn’t involved in City Slickers 2? He could have sat on cacti like anyone’s business.
Shot of Jake with some bad lighting that makes his skin look green. Voice-Over Man names two films I never knew existed and will now somehow have to find the means of reviewing. Thanks a lot Voice-Over Man. His father directed A Dangerous Woman, his mother wrote A Dangerous Woman. Wonder how Jake got a part in A Dangerous Woman, eh? Wish my mother had written Moonlight Mile. Damn her nine-til-five job that kept her away from screenwriting. Jake was also in another film directed by his father, Home-Grown and was very successful in October Sky, which might be one of my new favourite Jake films.

Jake’s best friend from Screen International pops up again to inform us that in October Sky, Jake proved he could hold his own with big actors like Chris Cooper and Laura Dern. What? The blonde from Jurassic Park? The Screen International guy simpers over the fabulousness of Jake. Man, I hate people who do that.

Voice-Over Man tells us Jake attended Columbia University but dropped out after two years. And then they do the most hilarious thing ever – they cut to Jake in his Bubble Boy suit. I am hard pressed not to fall of the sofa laughing. I have the utmost respect for Bubble Boy, it’s fantastic but the way they cut from college to Bubble Boy makes it look as if Jake dropped out of Columbia in order to go gallivanting around in a plastic bubble.

Mini-Jake has grown up a lot and evolved-Pokemon style into Handsome Clean-Shaven Jake. He tells us about the metaphor behind Bubble Boy – everyone’s in their own little bubble, physical or not. This deep thought is followed by a shot of Mini-Me Verne Troyer beating the shit out of Jake’s bubble. I really have got to give props to the editor. Jake then makes a bit of a weird comment, saying that the movie is an equally offending movie. It’s nice to know Jake considers the offensiveness of scripts when picking them.

Really cute shot of Jake being the goldfish in his bubble on Halloween in Bubble Boy. The producer of Bubble Boy emphasizes that Jimmy needed heart and charm inside his bubble and that they saw so many young men before they found Jake on a Saturday morning, watching his cartoons with his Cheerios. Okay, maybe it was at a casting session. The director knew Jake was the guy for him two minutes after he met him. Me too Blair Hayes, me too.

Voice-Over Man says Jake learnt to act inside the bubble. But I thought he learnt to act from Billy Crystal? Jake also says he learnt to lip-read inside the bubble. Anyone else wanna go to Bubble University? Seems like it’s the place to learn stuff. He also does his squeaky Jimmy voice. Awwww. Why did that bimbo from Bubble Boy run off with the other guy? Oh yeah, ‘cos he wasn’t in a bubble. Jake announces his motivation came from the bubble. Man, he loves that bubble. Shot of Jake being helped into his bubble by someone in floral poncho while Voice-Over Man reveals the tricks of the movie business – while filming Bubble Boy, they didn’t really go to Niagara Falls! Holy shitting God.

Voice-Over Man mocks Jake by describing Donnie Darko as a disturbed teenager who follows the voice of a six foot rabbit. I hate people who mock Jake’s films, really I do. Jake is a little more rugged now and he’s discovered hair product. He’s looking like Jared Leto here. Hope that’s not going to continue as Jared Leto apparently has gout. Jake says Donnie Darko is the anti-teen movie because it deals with isolation. I think the bubble metaphor has gone to his head. Donnie Darko was shot in 28 days on a budget of less than 5 million dollars. Man, I can make a film like that! All I need is a copy of David Soul’s Don’t Give Up On Us Baby, a backdrop of Paris and a small aubergine. Jake says he did research on schizophrenia, but then put it all aside. That’s the kind of research I like – “Yeah I looked at some stuff, but I didn’t use it.” It’s like, invisible research.

Donnie Darko got Jake nominated for an Independent Spirit Award. Is that like something out of Bring It On? And it won him a Young Hollywood Award too. Thank you giant talking rabbit. While Jake is saying it’s great to be acknowledged, there’s an oddly effeminate photo of Hayden Christensen behind him in a black polo neck. Interesting. Screen International is back, saying Donnie Darko helped Jake’s career because it was a cult movie. God I’m glad Screen International is here. Who would have realised things like this without him? Voice-Over Man tells us that Jake started to get cast in romantic roles. Like in the dreams of teens world-wide.
Adverts. Christ. James Blunt has also been allowed a spot on the Biography Channel. I am fighting the urge not to change channels. Or be sick.

Back to Jake. He had a role in Lovely and Amazing with a girl with lank hair. Then The Good Girl came along. There’s Jake and there’s that one out of Friends. Jake in Grey T-shirt Looking Hot says the writer and director wouldn’t let him have any control during filming. That’s because that’s the director’s job, Jake. Actors act, or try to, and directors direct, or try to. The director tells us they tried to make The Good Girl like a prison movie. Well, you forgot a couple of props there mate, like orange jumpsuits and posters obtained by Morgan Freeman. Hey, prison is like a bubble too! Jake really did have it right. We’re all in bubbles, physically or metaphorically. I feel like I’m really learning things about life from this thirty-minute epic.
Jake and that one off Friends are playfully playing with one another. Jake announces he’s gonna go and play her on Friends while she says she’s gonna play Donna Darko. Jake laughs so it must be funny. Jake asks her if she can do ‘the look’. That one off Friends asks him if he can carry off her haircut. Not really but it would have been more interesting than “I’ll work on it”.

Now it’s White Shirt Jake’s turn to get all excited about working with people on Moonlight Mile - Mr Focker and the whiny repressed one from Rocky Horror Picture Show. The girl. Jake gets a little rambly about working with stars, concluding with “sometimes you just gotta slap yourself in the face and just keep going”. Jake hopes the film makes us want to make real connections with people. Damn it, he’s not talking about himself. Somehow Jake got himself invited to Susan Sarandon’s Walk of Fame star ceremony. He looks a bit uncomfortable though as everyone else there seems to be press or family.

Okay, here she comes. Drumroll please, it’s Kirsten. I was wondering when she’d put in an appearance. On kissing scenes, Kirsten says Jake doesn’t care, “he’s my man”. Not anymore love, despite all your desperate attempts to rekindle romance by shagging in cars like a common hussy. Thank you News of The World.

On The Day After Tomorrow, Little Bit Of A Five O’Clock Shadow Jake says we should not only leave having had fun, but taking the message of the film with us. What, that even if the world does end, it won’t matter ‘cos we can still all move to Mexico? He also thinks that the father-son relationship is a microcosm for the neglect that we have shown the world. So the family bubble represents the whole! Let’s see if we can get any more bubble metaphors in. Jake’s character in the film was originally supposed to be an eleven year old. But when it was discovered that Jake, despite his amazing acting abilities could not accurately portray an eleven year old, they changed their minds.

Unfortunately after The Day After Tomorrow, Jake and Kirsten split up. Awwwww. No that’s a sincere awwwww. We want Jake to be happy, even if it is with people other than ourselves. However, they accompany the break-up fact with Jake looking quite cosy with some random on the red carpet. Really, no need to rub it in Kirsten’s face, Editing Man. But Jake was too busy being in Proof to mourn Kirsten. Voice-Over Man rather rudely says that “while his character is good at maths, Jake’s talents lie elsewhere”. Cheeky SOB. Jake says maths was his worst class at school – he got a B minus. Hands up who’d like a B minus to be their worst grade at school? Jake says he did some more invisible research and that mathematicians are just like everybody else. Except better at maths presumably. Ooooh, hot shot of Jake in glasses and blue jumper while in Proof. He’s apologising so I hope he just knocked Gwyneth over. That’ll show her for naming her kids after fruit and biblical beardy men.

Screen International is back, saying Jarhead elevated Jake to a heart-throb. “He was naked in a lot of the film, he had this incredibly worked-out body.” I think Screen International likes Jake. You know, like likes Jake. Quick mention of Lord Saarsgaard and Lady Gyllenahaal’s engagement and then Voice-Over Man makes Jake sound inept by describing how “he chipped a tooth by hitting himself in the face with a rifle”. I’m sure it’s easy to do Voice-Over Man. I mean britpopbaby managed it on a mug which is far less dangerous than a gun. Voice-Over Man continues “But he had a lot to smile about with his next film”. Because he got to play tonsil tennis with Heath Ledger.

More adverts. Cliff Richard’s biography a guilty pleasure? When has pleasure ever been a word anyone associated with Cliff Richard? And why do people always pick homicidal-looking men to advertise cleaning products, like Barry Scott? The Biography Channel is also advertising the voices behind the animated movies with a picture of the tiger from Aladdin. Was he voiced by Ben Affleck?

Final bit of Jake. The screenwriter of Brokeback Mountain did not think about the homosexual acts. That bit must have been hard to write then. Sexy Bearded Oscar Nominated Jake is not impressed with the ‘Gay Cowboy Movie’ title. Because it’s called Brokeback Mountain, all right? If we’d wanted it known as ‘The Gay Cowboy Movie’, it’s what we would have put on the posters. Ang Lee chose Jake and Heath. Who wouldn’t? Heath thinks Jake gave a heartbreaking performance. Awwww. Shot of Jake playing with a familiar looking puppy-dog. That’s right, Snoopy.

Heath says it doesn’t matter if the cowboys are gay. Surely it does, the film wouldn’t really have worked the same way if they’d been straight all the way through. I think what he’s trying to say is that it’s a universal love story. Yup, that’s it. Ang says Jake’s a classic romantic lead and that he and Heath make a great couple. Bet he never said that about Kirsten.

The Oscar Nomination Luncheon? Fish and chips on a wall not good enough for Oscar nominees? Jake runs on stage to receive his nomination and then tries to walk off but is dragged back for a photo. How embarrassing. Ooooh, shots of Jake in Zodiac. He has a moustache, though not as much moustache as in the 70s section of Brokeback Mountain. Screen International says Jake’s only going to get bigger and bigger. Hope not or he won’t fit in his jeans.

Awww, that’s the end. Still, I think we all learned a lot here and are very grateful for the Biography Channel’s celebration of Jake. See you next week when it’s Jude Law. Then again, maybe I’ll just watch paint dry instead.

Saturday, September 16, 2006


If that is Jake dancing in the background then er, our relationship might be over. I'm just praying that is some drunken swayin'.

Friday, September 15, 2006


No bikes, no take-out coffee, no puggles...I feel slightly suicidal...maybe there is some non-Jake related news out there, but who cares about that, except, like, politicans and stuff?

What do we do in times of need here at Jake Watch? Yes, we turn to our art. I was saving this because we were going to use it in a Jake Watch High theme for the blog but seens as interchangable skins aren't happening on Blogger in this lifetime I thought it was too magnificent to be hidden away any longer.
(click to enlarge)
I present 'My Notebook' by Prophecy Girl.

Well, just tell me to shut my mouth, there is some Jake news after all. It's alarming similar to yesterday's Jake news (concert, Texas, Lance, bad dancing, VIP stairs) but I guess when you're an addict, you'll smack up on whatever measly hit you can.

Thanks Cina!

Thursday, September 14, 2006


This post is strictly for people who have purchased an exclusive Jake Watch T-shirt. I'm serious, because if you didn't buy the t-shirt you're not gonna want to open the rest of this post. I mean it, you'll be kicking yourself. You'll be like, 'Fuck!' or perhaps, 'Fuckity, fuck, fuck, fuck! Why did I spend that money on food and rent when I could have used it to buy that shit hot shirt?'. Honestly, I wouldn't lie to you (well, not about this). You don't want to click 'Continue Reading' and then be like, 'Damn! That's one more thing I gotta add to my list of big regrets.' What can I say? Chumps.

These babies are AWEsome! The quality is top notch and the print turned out so well. And oh yeah, my secret. As you can see this T-shirt has been modelled to the highest standard and that's because I'm somewhat of a professional. Yep, old britpopbaby here was a child model - I got out of the game before that whole herion chic thing but I'm not gonna lie, I'm scarred. I'm also not 100% happy with the standard of the photography here - hello! red eye! - but these days I gotta take it where I can get it.

So, to everyone who ordered a T-shirt thank you for being so patient with this bizarre process and I'm posting them all tomorrow which means you should get them on Monday or Tuesday.

And Poppa G and Jake (Boo Shirt) will get theirs too. Exciteamont!


Plume de ma tante, Rodders! When will the excitement end?

[Saucy Source]

Wednesday, September 13, 2006


Sorry for the lack of updates today, I've been having an application form-related nervous breakdown.

I have this for you though:

Can all agents with a MySpace stick it on their pages, please? Can everyone else stick it on their foreheads? Thanks. You can link it back to Jake Watch via or

Also, please use your own image hosting account because mine is heaving enough under the bandwidth strain. Ta!

Any problems, let me know.

Tuesday, September 12, 2006


We've caught Austin Nichols making The Gyllenhaal LOOK SHORT! Dude! You're making him look about 'Elijah Wood' 5'7 up there! Who the frig do you think you are?

I would usually impose immediate execution without trial for this most heinous crime of 'making Jake look marginally less hot' but seens as you're lovers and everything I'll let it slide...this time. I recommend in the future, that whenever you are near The Sex, you adopt this position:

Okay, so not that exact position (unless you're packin' a purple lycra catsuit? 'Cos that would be totally sweet), but you get my drift, right? On the knees, buddy. If you want to duck tape your shoes to your knees for full effect then be my guest. I guess it's okay to walk around at your normal height in the non-Gyllenhaal hours. Do we have an understanding? Good.


That's right. The Jake Watch Daily - Hard Hitting Journalism with a Shaky Grip on Reality - have nabbed an excluisve interview with The Gyllenhaal. I know you're all eager to read it but you'll have to wait until later because I haven't actually, 'interviewed' Jake yet. But I know it's gonna be big! Like Kirstie Alley losing weight big! Actually half way between the Reveal of Suri/Second Coming of Christ and CSI:NY getting recommissioned for a third season. HELL YEAH!

Monday, September 11, 2006


Okay, so I know a picture of Jake in close proximity with any other human being causes mass hysteria but can we focus on the REAL issues for a second here, people...NO SOCKS WITH SNEAKERS!

  • COLOUR: Harry Potter 'Cloak Of Invisibility' Clear
  • TYPE: A dwarf albino with a Geography degree who loves Bob Geldof and sushi aka NOT MY TYPE!!
  • HEIGHT: Heart breakingly irrelevent
  • OVERALL STATUS: Paris Hilton's dignity aka non-existent
No friggin' socks. Are you, like, friggin' taking the piss? I can't work with this, Gyllenhaal. You're impeding my creativity. You might as well come round and douse my keyboard with your over-priced Coffee Bean Latte.

Sunday, September 10, 2006


Oh, Jake's tongue. How we have missed thee.



Seeing as how it's Sunday and all. And what have we here?
Aw, look! It's Jake when he was young and adorable, but adorable in a different way than he's adorable now. Those of us who have been brushing up on our Jake History (which should be all of us, ahem) know that this little gem came from Jake's guest appearance on "Homocide: Life on the Street" back in 1994.

Seeing this picture makes me sad because it makes me realize what a waste Jake's career became after this. Here, he had the start of an absolutely brilliant career in television laid out in front of him, but he threw it all away to become a quote/unquote "award-winning" quote/unquote "movie star." Ugh. Like Brokeback Mountain has anything on "Full House."

So I decided to do a little investigating to see how much Jake really gave away for his quote/unquote "film career." Turns out a lot. I made a list of roles that could have been Jake's if he'd just stuck to the TV thing and not run off to Movie Land like a baby.

A. Seth Cohen on "The O.C."
Charmingly gawky and yet oddly endearing, Jake could have been bringing us melodrama at its finest week after week. Plus, then I would be able to join the league of Cohen enthusiasts because the actor who played Seth would not be someone who looked disturbingly like my brother.

B. Ryan Wolfe and/or Eric Delko on "CSI: Miami"
I couldn't really decide which role Jake would be best in but then I realized, this is Jake! Duh, he would totally play them both! I even figured it out plot-wise: Wolfe and Delko could be, like, identical cousins who both got into forensics and moved to Miami separately but were, like, totally freaked when they wound up working together! Think of the hijinks!

C. "The Daily Show with...Jake Gyllenhaal?"
I would so watch every night! Oh, wait. I already do...

D. Special Agent Seeley Booth on "Bones"
I realize probably none of you watch this show. Hell, I don't even watch this show. I just wanted to see what Jake's head looked like on David Boreanaz's body.

E. Jim Halpert on "The Office"
Um, need I even explain this one? Emmy gold, people. Gold.