Saturday, October 21, 2006

THE MOTHER OF ALL EXCLUSIVES

Remember THIS? Yeah, I completely forgot too but here it is, our interview with Mr Jake Gyllenhaal. I met Jake at The Dorchester in London to probe him about everything from soft drinks to American Idol. What follows is an exact transcript of our meeting. Enjoy.

britpopbaby enters the lounge, with a bottle of Gordon's concealed in her handbag, to find Jake sat on the very edge of a chaise longe and banging a teaspoon nervously on the coffee table.

First off Jake, I’d like to thank you for taking time out of your busy latte-drinking and bench-sitting schedule to join us here today for this exclusive The Daily Jake Watch interview. We really appreciate it.

Frankly you don't say no. I'm going to do anything I can for you. I'll throw up in the sand for you.

Well, we’d just like a bit of your time for a quick Q & A. No need for vomit.

Vomit's vomit.

Indeed.

(Jake wrings his hands and bounces up and down a little bit)

Great. An Oscar nominated performance, a Bafta win, two MTV movie awards and a puggle. It must be pretty great being Jake Gyllenhaal right now.
Who is Jake Gyllenhaal? Get me Jake Gyllenhaal! Get me someone who looks like Jake Gyllenhaal…who is Jake Gyllenhaal?

(britpopbaby opens her Gordon’s and takes a large swig)

Are you okay?
Do I have cow eyes?

Er…
Do I have sad eyes?

(silence)

Can we talk a little about your career? Brokeback Mountain has become a phenomenon. How much of that success was down to you, do you think?
Yeah, I mean, I think indirectly I had absolutely nothing to do with that.

(Jake stares off into distance)


But do you think the experience of that movie has changed you somewhat?
Brokeback got us good, don't it?

I guess. What about working with Ang Lee? That must have been an honour.
I didn't understand what he was talking about.

What about hobbies?
I made a new friend today.

(britpopbaby swigs more gin)

Real or imaginary?
Imaginary.

You enjoy cooking don’t you? I heard it was a passion of yours. Where’s your favourite place to eat here in London?
If, for some reason, you wanna be with me heart and soul, I'll be waiting for you at 5pm outside Chucky Cheese.

Okay. What about when you’re not cooking?

We live in a sad time where actors are politicians and go out in the mall wearing nothing but a pair of Speedos.

So you have an interest in politics then? Considered running for office in the future?
Well actually my mother's side are all scuba divers.

(Jake strokes leaves of nearby pot plant)

But you’re passionate about certain causes, aren’t you? Like voting?
Whether you're wearing a Santa cap over your dick or whether you're making love to Heath Ledger, voting is sexy.

I’m going to bring this down a level. Coca Cola or Pepsi?
I've never been asked a question like that before.

Do you like to watch TV?
There's inevitably a lot of talk about things like that

A fan of American Idol perhaps?
Clearly, it's pretty challenging material but obviously, it means a hundred million things to other people.

I suppose.

(britpopbaby attempts to flag down waitress to order a magarita. Jake pulls at tassles on a cushion)

There is a lot of interest in your love life at present. I imagine that’s pretty annoying for you so I may irritate you some more by asking about Kirsten Dunst?
She was sent in as Gargamel's evil spy with the intention of destroying the Smurf village. But the overwhelming goodness of the Smurf way of life transformed her.

And what about the Austin rumours?
It was great. The people there are wonderful. Everyone there was just great to us and it's such a beautiful place.

In a relationship at the moment?
Right now I'm playing by myself.

Finally, do you think it’s political correctness gone mad that you now have to call gingerbread ‘men’ gingerbread ‘people’?
It’s always about the process of figuring things out, and trying something new, and having another take on something and keeping it alive.

What?
I would really like people to know how I do like to take my clothes off.

I have to go now.
It was a freaky, awesome ride.

You’re a bit odd.
I was confused at times.

Thanks anyway.
When you fall asleep tonight, I'm gonna fart in your face.

(Jake keels over and falls off couch. britpopbaby staggers to the door.)

80 comments:

Simon Agent 002 said...

Brit, I think your ready to conduct interviews for the Fox network here in the states!

Your editing skills are spot on ;)

Anonymous said...

Your best post in my opinion after being here many months.^ same person as above.

JoyceDavenport said...

Bwaahahahahaha!

Britpop that is Pulitzer prize material! First Annie Proux - next BPB- those Watergate reporters don't even have a look in.

cina said...

Oh, The Daily Jake Watch! I've missed it. :-) Best Jakey interview I've ever read!!


(Jake strokes leaves of nearby pot plant)
For some reason that cracked me up more than anything. I'm weird. LOL

Anonymous said...

I can't remember when I've laughed so long and so hard reading anything...well not quite. But seriously, this has to be top of the list. Your very best! LOVED IT!!!!! Just delightful.

nice anonymous said...

Indeed, this is one of your best, Brits. A fine parody of Jake's inimitable interviewing style -- his own unique combination of goofiness, brow-wrinkling profoundity and "Say what?" moments.

Also, since we're so used to seeing our boy posed before logos for various award shows, I really, really **adore** seeing him with that JakeWatch insignia behind him.

Mk said...

Truly brilliant... keep it up brit ;)

Simon Agent 002 said...

You didn't under do it or over do it. nice!


Talent

bitza said...

Hey! I'm new to this blog as well to dear Jakey. But I love him none the less. Anyway, I fell in love with this site and you guys are my cup of coffee first thing at work!! Uhh... when the boss isn't watching...
So Congrats on the job you do and keep up the good agent skills, such as interviewing Jake on sensitive subjects as American Idol! An I do agree, vomit IS vomit...

kaydee said...

god that's brilliant, brits you're a genious.

aren't there some real pieces of jakespeak? seems weird enough

and cina, you're not the only one who rolled on the floor LOLing after the plant stroking remark. but then, it doesn't necessarily mean you're not weird. it probably just means that i'm even weirder ;)

Anna said...

LMAO! Too funny, britpop! You are the master!

britpopbaby said...

They are all actual Jake quotes. I couldn't have done it without him.

cina said...

@kaydee: It's good to have company on the floor LOLing! ;)

I love the Donnie Darko quote in the question about Kirsten! That one had me laughing almost as much as the plant stroking remark. LOL

Simon Agent 002 said...

^^Shhh!Come on don't point that out your spoiling the illusion!
Those that should know will know, to explain it, is not the same as spending hrs read the fine print in some small corner at IHJ ;)

kaydee said...

They are all actual Jake quotes.

Vomit is vomit is an actual jake quote?! my dear god, what's with the boy?

Simon Agent 002 said...

reading (blushing)

cina said...

*stands in corner with tail between legs*

Prophecy Girl said...

HAHAHAHAHA!!! I about peed myself. Brilliant! :)

kaydee said...

no worries, simon. if i blushed every time i did it, i would have a lovely red complection permanently

Simon Agent 002 said...

OH no Cina, I meant Britpops, explaination at @7:46 PM ....there funny because you can recall reading the quotes and interviews...just to point it out won't suffice. :P

cina said...

*runs out of corner with smile on my face*

:-)

kaydee said...

When you fall asleep tonight, I'm gonna fart in your face.

he said that? no way!

sorry, simon, i just have to know. because if he did, i'm so off him

Anonymous said...

Now we really want the interview in audio form. (All the quotes are available in audio, no?)

cina said...

When you fall asleep tonight, I'm gonna fart in your face.

he said that? no way!


That is actually a quote from Donnie Darko. So it's not really Jake.

kaydee said...

thank god

Simon Agent 002 said...

"We can't always get want we want" ~ Mick Jagger


in case you haven't bumped into that realization yet.

Kendra said...

Voting is sexy? I'm not very sure of this part.

Nothing Really Matters said...

So Brits did you meet him again outside Chucky Cheese???

Anonymous said...

The "fart in your face" quote was from the director's cut of DD. They were at the motel after the plane engine hit, DD and his two sisters and he was being mean to his younger sister. It cracked me up then and it still does!

Anonymous said...

please when did he ask the cow eyes?
Bwahahahahaha, very funny brits.

littleguitar said...

Voting is sexy? I'm not very sure of this part.

It's from when he worked on MTV's Rock the Vote campaign.

This was hillarious. I think someone said it was your best post ever, I totally agree!

littleguitar said...

oh and, where is the "Do I have cow eyes" quote from? That kid kills me!

kaydee said...

i wonder what is in his head when he imparts those pearls of wisdom...

WHAT IS HE THINKING???

Newport Girl said...

BPB, thank you for the Mother Of All Exclusives! I enjoyed it so much! Your prose is clever, brainteasing, intentionally ambiguous...a great combination.


Although I recognized many of the quotes, I am baffled on a few of them. Can BPB or anyone else tell me the source of these?

1.) "Go out in the mall wearing nothing but a pair of Speedos"


2.) "Whether you're wearing a Santa cap over your dick"


3.) "Right now I'm playing by myself"


4.) "I would really like people to know how I do like to take my clothes off"

Muttley said...

1.) "Go out in the mall wearing nothing but a pair of Speedos"

I think that was when he mentioned in a chat show about stealing speedos from a shop for a dare.

"I would really like people to know how I do like to take my clothes off"

I think that was in answer to a question about nudity in Brokeback Mountain (or was that Jarhead?).

Simon Agent 002 said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Anonymous said...

2.) "Whether you're wearing a Santa cap over your dick"
that was in an article in a Q and A where he said something like you don't say no to directors like ang lee and sam mendes.

Anonymous said...

Britpop, you're going to make me asphyxiate from laughing so hard!

playitagain said...

Britpopbaby, your nuanced response to a fart in yr face universe is a class act. I'd throw up in the and for you!

SquallCloud said...

Damn! We should get some sundry relative of Jake to piss you guys off more often. These posts had me guffawing! Love!

Simon Agent 002 said...

Is this a interesting study in having someone else speak on your behalf?

perfectscore_goldstar said...

LOL this reminds me of the interviews they used to do with like politicians and stuff using bits of songs on the radio ... (not that you are infringing, BPB, yours is much more hilarious). Thanks for the smile. Now if I don't hurry up and turn off the light, my dog is going to fart in my face when I go to sleep tonite. Oh wait, that's every other nite anyway ... ;)

Good nite Agents ! :)

S4M985 said...

is it weird that id be happy for jake to fart in my face... HAHA. Nah crack up! good one!

atk said...

Brit,, that was just brilliant.

I too loved the Kirsten question. Just hilarious.

And I recognised almost all of the quotes. I don´t know if that is good or a bad thing. :) Obsessed? Me? No way!

Agent Krycek said...

Finally got off my lazy arse and got a login name, and it's so worth it after that BPB - brilliant stuff, currently sniggering my head off. Thank you, much appreciated.

britpopbaby said...

The cow eyes one is from way back when he did a joint interview with Maggie for some arty fartsy mag. I'll try and find it. It's the same one when Maggie deadpans, 'Jake, irony doesn't work in print' which is pretty much hilarious.

penny lane said...

Very much enjoyed the 'interview' BPB AND the subsequent exchange of Q's and A's from everyone! Noone deviated from the original topic, I think! Keep it coming!

DC / WFT poster said...

A JW classic.

I recognised most of the quotes too. And I think this is what Jake is really like :-)

littleguitar said...

It's the same one when Maggie deadpans, 'Jake, irony doesn't work in print' which is pretty much hilarious.

LOL, nice! I knew there was a reason I loved Maggie... I would love it if you found that interview!

perfectscore_goldstar said...
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perfectscore_goldstar said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
being here said...

The Jake/Maggie interview with the "sad eyed siblings" was in the New Yorker Magazine a couple of years ago. I am sure it is at IHJ. Love the Jake/Jake character quotes, lol.

IHJ also has this sweet guy who blogged on YouTube about meeting Jake, after missing him the first time at his restaurant. Very cute.

Btw, Brit, what happened to the post with the pics of Jake and Robert Downey Jr.? Did you delet it? Would love to hear if PG remembers Jake's speech from the awards.

The Bearded Lady said...

Britpopbaby, This post is the clever writing and humor/wit that brought me here from my first day.

I could just as happily read your commentary on egg salad...you would not disappoint me.

I recall your saying that the origins of this blog was to work on your creative writing? (if I can paraphrase your words?)

And, to borrow someone elses words, I think Jake Gyllenhaal is a ornament,...but the tribute belongs to you.

jakeNme said...

AWESOME post. Hysterical!

Where does the 'vomit's vomit' comment come from?? (trying hard to think of a possible context for this...)

Keks said...

Hi Britpopbaby,
french people would say extraordinaire, german say Du bist die Geilste von allen. Brit you rock the House again. (i make a little translation for you...sorry it´t only with google)funny weird english want take a little look perhaps..it is my new german blog. Keks/Cookie
http://translate.google.com/translate?u=http%3A%2F%2Fjakerocksmyworld.blogspot.com%2F&langpair=de%7Cen&hl=de&ie=UTF-8&oe=UTF-8&prev=%2Flanguage_tools

kaydee said...

french people would say extraordinaire, german say Du bist die Geilste von allen.

italians would say magnifico, bellissimo or smth like that, what would others say? hm...

sorry for that, but when there is so little traffic, i get bored.

besides, sunday without a project?!

mpom said...

I just love this picture of Jake with the JW logo in the back. I have it on my desktop now. BPB this Post is a scream. I have read it three times now and LOL each time. Keep em comming.

If I were a big star I would want to know what someone as talented as you girls was writing about me.
When something you write is so good , like this post, and others, I feel sorry if the G's really do not ever hear about it. Their loss, I suppose, for living above the clouds.

Anonymous said...

"When something you write is so good , like this post, and others, I feel sorry if the G's really do not ever hear about it. Their loss, I suppose, for living above the clouds"

Robbie W. said in an interview, that he is searching the net for news about himself and that he is reading the articles and reviews and fanblogs and that it is sometimes depressing but he does it nevertheless. And he said that most celebs does the same....Rob is an honest man....:-))

.

Anonymous said...

OMG, new pics at IHJ of Jake, Maggie, Peter (holding Ramona!! covered in his jacket) and Naomi. Very cute!

Anonymous said...

1:02
Thanks!!!!!!!!!!!!

SquallCloud said...

Who is Robbie W anon 11:34? Why would one be depressed about people making entire blogs about them? Of course if it's a blog about how much said blogger hates them I can understand.

Anonymous said...

robbie williams, a massive popstar here in the UK.

Tome Mt laurel, nj said...

Jake acted like an a$$

amerita said...

Squallcloud, I believe it's Robbie Williams, British pop star?
www.robbiewilliams.com

muffin said...

when did Jake act like an ass, tome?

Anonymous said...

muffin, it is a joke the interview is not real

Anonymous said...

You needed to quiz Jake more on his eatinghabits - you could of totally swiped some sweet material form those Mario Batali shows! Especially aboutthose Gnocchis Jake is so bewildered by - I mean should we send him some fresh ones?

ATD said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Wet For Went said...

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA!

Wet For Went said...

Oh man my stomach hurts from trying to stifle the laughter. LOL

The Bearded Lady said...

some don't believe in leaving anything to their imagination....or perhaps they just lack one?

dottieb said...

Maybe you should have asked him if he bites his nails!

britpopbaby said...

If I were a big star I would want to know what someone as talented as you girls was writing about me.

Thanks mpom! One day when we kidnap him, tie him to a chair and force him to the read the blog, he will see how fantabulous we are. Then he will offer to pay us for out hard work. Yep, that's my two year plan right now.

the queen said...

Britpop--if you ever get to kidnap Jake and tie him to a chair. . .I'll bet you're going to be doing something other than forcing him to read your blog. . .not that it isn't absolutely necessary that he read it, 'cause it is. . .but I feel sure something else will come to mind as you're tying that hot body of his to a chair. . .

the queen said...

Oh, regarding the "cow eyes" thing. . .a movie reviewer for a local paper described Jake in BBM as having "the long eyelashes of a cartoon calf". . .HUH???? I've also heard him described as "doe eyed". . .I don't get it. . .these people must hang out with farm animals. . .I'd just call them the sexiest eyes on earth!

Lindsey said...

real or imaginary...

LOVE IT!

you are the bomb diggity.

Jake Gyllenhaal said...

can i ask you-you most have seen a lot of jake gyllenhaal movies to now some of thoose lines-then again they seemed to only be from DONNIE DARKO!any way i found this SORTA funny, but mostly mean because it does't make any sense, Jake ISN'T as idiotic as you make him sound and well again you must LIKE him or something or you wouldn't have known all thoose line for The good girl, Jarhead, and donnie darko (my all time favorite movie)and i onlyknow all these movies because I DO LIKE jake!And another thing WHY THE HELL DID HE STROKED A PLANT! that make NO sense what so ever! why would he stroke a plant ( whicth he didn't) you make him SOUND like a "specil" person! Gawd damh you!

Breezah said...

...riiight...he IS quite the odd person

"i made a new friend today"

"real or imaginary?"

"imaginary"

THAT was funny!!!!

bRE X0X

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