Tuesday, November 21, 2006

WHOSE IDEA WAS THIS, THEN?

Doth my eyes deceive me?
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It would appear we are looking at a picture of the wonderous Gyllenhaal in the shower and it is not sexy. At all. While my mind boggles at the notion that there is a photographer out there so untalented that he/she could make Jake in the shower look unattractive, all I can do is pray that this hopelessly misguided amateur turns to us for guidance before again approaching our boy with a lens. (Good thing Jake Watch is around to give pointers.)

Rules Regarding Photographing Jake In Water

1. What is the hell is that expression?

Rule: If Jake is going to be shot directly in the face with a spray of water from a showerhead, his head should look like this:
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...or (even better), this:
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2. Clothes? CLOTHES? Jake doesn't wear clothes in the shower. In fact, Jake doesn't wear clothes if there's any sort of washing going on.

Rule: If Jake is going to be shown anywhere near water, the only acceptable outerwear is cowboy boots...and only cowboy boots:
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But if, for some reason, he just insists on wearing something more, make sure it's of the clingy, see-thru, eye-color highlighting, half-unbuttoned variety:
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Also note the hair. Little could be less sexy that the drowned rat 'do he is sporting in the original picture. Little could be more sexy than the carefully-styled, artificially-windblown, spikey-thing he's got going on in this last pic.

3. For God's sake, I realize he's not going to go full monty for just anyone, but Jake naked from behind is better than Jake clothed from the front. Am I right?

Rule: Unless it is a life or death situation in which Jake is drowning near the phone booths in the New York City Public Library because a cataclysmic climate shift has disrupted water levels around the globe...
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...if he's in water, do whatever it takes, but get his clothes off!

(Wait, was that a repeat of Rule #2?)
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Pics from IHJ.

One billion bonus points to anyone around long enough to remember the original "Whose idea was this, then?" posts. I know there aren't many of you. ;)

73 comments:

dani said...

I never liked that picture either and found it dismaying that there was actually an unattractive picture of Jake. The other pictures are wonderful as usual. So the fault could only be that of the untalented photographer!

nice anonymous said...

This is also going to become one of my favorite posts, I know. I'm going to call it my "hydrotherapy" post -- I'll look at it whenever I need to remember Jake, wet & naked. And yes, I still like it very much, in spite of the inclusion of the only photo of Jake that I've ever truly loathed -- he's dressed like a uniformed, nerdy Cub Scout who's just undergone a hazing in the boy's showers at Scarsdale Jr. High School & his nose bears a more than a passing resemblance to David Schwimmer's. What was that stylist thinking? What kind of photographer makes one of the sexiest men alive look like a drowned zombie?

twistedlogic said...

Yes, it takes an exceptional lack of talent to produce a pic of Jake looking unsexy, but it's inspired PG to post a load of naked, wet pics of Jake,so it's all good.

BTW, it took me a while to work out what you meant by the "carefully-styled, artificially-windblown, spikey-thing he's got going on" in the blue shirt pic, then I realised you meant the hair on his HEAD!! I can't tear my eyes away from his chest hair in that pic (or any other pic where his chest hair is showing).

veeveevee said...

I ditto the above - it takes a SEVERE lack of talent to take a wet pick of Jake and make it unattractive - perhaps the photog was paid off by all the other guy actors out there who have realized that they just can't compete. No way.

Regardless, the taking of this photo has inspired this "hydrotherapy" post (credit to nice anon for that!) that that, therefore, makes the picture worthwhile!

Anonymous said...

The "whose idea was this then" posts have always been my favorites, you rule Brit!

atk said...

Untalented photographer indeed.

Call me strange but I have a really strong dislike for that TDAT-wet-Jake-photo, too. It just looks so forced, I don´t know.

Naked wet Swoff-Jake and not-so-wet-but-very-naked-Jack-Twist-Jake on the other hand do things to me... oh well.

smurfette said...

another great post by pg :). i actually love that scene in tdat-- you know what's better than that last pic, though, would be the pic AFTER the almost-drowning where emmy strips him and has to "warm" his body with hers... and jake makes that goofy face. aww, so cute. haha, i was just reminded of anneka's review (off to reread that portion).

veeveevee said...

Do I still get the billion points if I cheated? I went back to April and re-read all the posts - I can't believe I found this place right at the beginning...I thought I was late to the game!

There were actually three "Whose idea was this, then?" posts in April:

- The first was Jake in the beekeeper hat (bizarre, yet you can see his beautiful eyes)

- The second was the leaning backwards over the convertible (I suspect the photog was trying to get Jake in a convenient position so as to be able to drop the camera and leap on him before he could get away)

- The third was Jake with his frosty golden highlights and his "I'm a punk rocker" expression.

Thanks for the walk down memory lane, PG! :-)

Linna said...

LMFAO!! PG, you're hysterical, and I must add - SO RIGHT at ALL points!!

And oh, I remember them! Bonus points for me, YAY!! :) Or wait, does that just mean I should get myself a life...?

atk said...

Oh, I like that scene as well, smurfette. Very cute. I just don´t like the TDAT promo shot. I don´t know why. It´s all there: the blue eyes, the clean shaven face, the chest hair, lots of water, the fuck-me-look, he is wet, but all that doesn´t do it for me. Weird...

Anonymous said...

In all fairness to the photog, (!) and to Jake, I think this picture was taken when Jake was on the actual cusp, on the brink...and was not yet aware he was a Sex God In Training. He was still doing cute but dorky. The photographer just didn't "get it."

phoebe said...

Oh my GOD, PG! Freaking HILARIOUS!!

And dude, those Jarhead-pics?! *faints* Now I have to go take a shower. An ice cold one..

cina said...

Oooo, long time no see! It's about time this feature made it's return! :-)

And yes, as been said by posters before me - the fault lies with the photographer and the photographer alone. There is no way in HELL we can blame the unattractiveness of that picture on Jake.

Thanks a gazillion for all the other shower pics though. Nothing wrong with them. Oh no. Nothing at all!! :-D

Nothing Really Matters said...

One billion bonus points to anyone around long enough to remember the original "Whose idea was this, then?" posts. I know there aren't many of you. ;)

Dude that was a long time ago! Back when we first started!

Dude was it this:
http://data1.blog.de/blog/g/good1inc/img/jake_gyllenhaal_02.jpg

Nothing Really Matters said...

haal_02.jpg

nice anonymous said...

This is off-topic, but R.I.P. to the great director Robert Altman. Wasn't Jake being considered for an Altman project sometime during the summer?

Kendra said...

I feel that classic sex in shower fantasies have been raised to another level here, Pg... and I remember perfectly the old "Whose idea was this, then?" posts, the first I read - I think about two b&n slightly ridiculous pics- was so acid humorous!

Prophecy Girl said...

Ah, excellent work, everyone who remembered!! And thanks veeveevee for summarizing the original three. :) Man, that was a long time ago. I was just thinking the other day how the faces around here have gradually changed over the months...that's just me being nostalgic.

And atk, don't feel bad. I don't necessarily share your views, but I do understand them. Those pics are almost too polished...it sort of doesn't look like him. But WAY back before I was a Jake fan, I had a trial subscription to Entertainment Weekly and that was the first issue that came to my door. I still have it. I didn't even become a fan until much later, but the sheer power of the photo was enough to give me the foresight to hang onto it. So it has sentimental value to me. ;)

What the hell is making me all weepy and nostalgic today??

amerita said...

Naked Swaff-Jake ... sigh...

On a unrelated sad news, director Robert Altman died. There were rumours of Jake working with him in a movie... alas it won't happen. I was hoping it would, he was the kind of director I would have loved seeing Jake work with.

smurfette said...

nice and amerita, very sad about bob altman... atk, i see your point about that tdat promo pic, but i'm with pg-- it's got that early/young jake appeal to me, like a hint of the progress towards greatness or something haha.

Anonymous said...

OT: Has anyone seen this?? Jake & Mia

http://iheartjake.suddenlaunch.com/index.cgi?board=gyllenhaalics&action=display&num=1164122103

amerita said...

What can I say, if it is true? Go for it Jake! She is beautiful ...(and a fu**g lucky girl!)

Wet For Went said...

LMAO and so true. Great post PG! Fantastic!

amerita said...

Nice anon, did not see your post, but I think I read somewhere Altman wanted Jake for a movie called "Hands on a hard body" something to do with people keeping their hand on a truck for as long as possible in order to win the truck itself. Rather bizzarre!

kaydee said...

"Hands on a hard body"

and what a fitting and suggestive title it would be! :)

cina said...

Nice anon, did not see your post, but I think I read somewhere Altman wanted Jake for a movie called "Hands on a hard body" something to do with people keeping their hand on a truck for as long as possible in order to win the truck itself. Rather bizzarre!

Oh yes, that's what it was called! I was digging way back in my mind trying to remember the title. That talk was earlier this summer, wasn't it? Guess that won't happen now, huh?
RIP, Mr Altman.

amerita said...

I was just so totally intrigued because that subject seems like nothing you could use to make a movie. I mean these people are basically standing with their hand on a truch for 2/3 days? At the same time I was sure Altman would get something sooo unique out of that. And with Jake I thought it was going to be really great. Back then it was rumoured Jake had flewn somewhere in the Midwest to meet up with Altman. Glad Mr Altman had a very creative uncompromising career.

kaydee said...

the film seems kinda ridiculous, but all jake's film seem stranged when summarized in that way. BBM was said to be about two gay cowboys falling for each other while herding sheep. and when there was DD on tv here, the program said it was about a giant metaphysical rabbit who predicted the end of the world. (really, i'm not joking)

so perhaps the film wouldn't have been so stupid after all

kaydee said...

i think i discovered a plot against jake!

i mean, whoever gave him the shirt, must have wanted to make him look less sexy. i suspect clooney or that biking buddy of his whose name i can't spell.

plus the expression on his face reminds me of myself when i have to wake up early for work. :-)

seriously though, it must be a very old picture, when he was a teenager and not yet completely "done".

Anonymous said...

Guys! News Flash Perez Hilton is saying that Jake went on a DATE! with some actress Mia M-something in Beverly Hills! Why haven't we heard about it over here? I'd much rather hear this news over here than from that slug Perez.

cina said...

Actually, you're late. ;-) It has been mentioned here long before Perez picked it up.

cina said...

To clearify that: Not as a post, but in the comments that is. :-)

smurfette said...

and also, it's BPB's policy not to indulge in speculations about jake's personal life. we can say whatever we want in the comments section (and do), and there may be the occasional tongue-in-cheek posts joking about gossip stuff, but you won't find serious posts on these things here.

Agnes said...

Jarhead pics *drooling*

Agnes said...

And I do remember these posts. Its been a while.

the queen said...

Please keep posting these semi-clothed pics of Jake(or completely UNCLOTHED pics if you can find them!)! My blood pressure has been really low lately and this helps immensely.

tankergirl said...

Ooooooo! I know. I know!!
The Beekeper! Ridiculous!
and...
Hot Car Guy disaster! The awkward lean back!
You ALWAYS choose the best of the worst! Great to see this feature pop up again!!!

nice anonymous said...

Thanks for reminding me that "Hands on a Hard Body" was the Altman project. We discussed that in the comments on the blog during the summer & someone compared it to "They Shoot Horses, Don't They?" which I thought was an intriguing analogy. I didn't think the movie would focus completely on the time during which the contestants stand with their hands on the truck. I figured there'd be a lot of criscrossing among the stories of people so desperate for a truck (or the money they could get if they sold it) that they would subject themselves to such a painful endurance test.

Basically, I really wanted Jake to show up in the movie as some hardluck guy who lives out in rural America, wearing really faded, beat-up jeans & a wife-beater t-shirt, which he does so well. Maybe chewing on a toothpick (to give a focus to my oral fixation on his beautiful lips). But it appears it's not to be, and Jake will not to get to work with the great Altman. I'd also thought that Maggie would do well in an Altman movie -- figured he'd "get" her rather old-fashioned beauty & intelligent, quirky charm.

But Jake isn't going to lack for opportunities & projects, I'm sure.

mpom said...

I always thought this photo was a great "wet one"
http://s86.photobucket.com/albums/k85/mpom/?action=view¤t=Jakewet.jpg

I do like the one in the blue shirt though. Even if it is staged.

Wet or dry he's an awesome guy.

Newport Girl said...

Actually, that top picture is when Jake was taking a breather during one of our particularly hot sex sessions. Notice how tired he looks? He was saying, "Babe, you're amazing, how many orgasms can you have...I'm exhausted, but give me a minute and a cold rinse and I'll be ready to go again..."

And then, sure enough. HAH

Newport Girl said...

OMFG, I hope he and his cohorts NEVER read this.

Newport Girl said...

Oh and that's part of the Boy Scout uniform, an Eagle Scout shirt. The velcro part was where some of the, um, camping toys, um, I mean tools, hung from the shoulder holster.

Newport Girl said...

Yee Haw!

Anonymous said...

Hey Newport, you're in rare form tonight. ;)

Newport Girl said...

Yeah, and I'm not even drinking.

Newport Girl said...

See what happens when you're left to your own devices, when no one else is around?!

Newport Girl said...

Well, I'm going to bed, gonna sleep off some of this crazy. Nighty Night!

cina said...

Sweet dreams, newport girl! I am sitting here at my desk at work, almost lunchtime for me! LOL

mpom said...

Good morning all. Early AM here in New Jersey. I have been looking around for some more photos of our guy in shower. No luck but, I think he must be the world's most photographed man. The pics are endless. All of them are wonderful.. Yes even the wet rat one in this last posting. Admit it girls, if you opened your shower and HE was there looking exactly like that terrible photo what would you do?

Choice #1. Throw him out.

Choice #2. Jump in.

I rest my case.

Now I must get busy and bake pies for Thanksgiving dinner tomorrow.

cina said...

^^ LOL! Well, you do have a point... ;-)

kaydee said...

early afternoon here and i should be working...


mpom, i would remove that awful shirt and it would al be good...

if i got my hands on him he wouldn't have that morose expression for long

S4M985 said...

oh i remember those blogs! haha thats kinda sad, but great at the same time!

I can really tell the time difference from where i am. Im on here like evry second im at work, but i rekon PG and Brit work together so they blog around about the time i go to work... i always seem the be the 60 billionth person to comment, and all the good jokes are gone! haha

I rekon u guys need to do some 'whos idea was this then' more often...(like maybe more than every 6 mths!) that was hallarious!

S4M985 said...

every second im NOT at work rather...
damn that there is no edit button!

dottieb said...

Let's consider those boots. . . .

We're to suppose he took his boots off, undressed, then put the boots back on to wash up and do laundry?

kaydee said...

YEP, HE DID IT:

1. BECAUSE THE PEBBLES BY THE STREAM WERE SHARP

2. IT MIGHT ALSO BE SOME KINDA SYMBOL FOR A COWBOY. LIKE, A COWBOY ALWAYS WEARS HIS BOOTS. LIKE FOR ENNIS IT WAS HIS HAT. REMEMBER THE SCENE WHEN HE'S WASHING UP, COMPLETELY NAKED EXCEPT FOR HIS HAT?

3. TO GIVE US SOME VISUAL PLEASURE - COWBOY BOOTS ARE HOT ON AN OTHERWISE TOTALLY NAKED JAKE

nice anonymous said...

Gotta watch out for them crayfish, you know. They've got pincers. They could potentially hurt the tender soles of Jake's pale little city-bred feet. He needed those big leather boots for protection. I mean, you don't want a Steve Irwin situation going on here, do you?

Yeah, I think would-be cowboy's deeply attached to his boots (they aim to die with them on, so they say) and will remove everything else, but feels naked if the boots are gone.

And I suspect Jake has exhibitionistic tendencies & that he & the director know damn well the perverse power of an erotic image of Jakey, down in a squat, nude except for his boots, with those muscular thighs extremely artfully arranged, so we don't see as much as we want to.

cina said...

Jakey-poo at a Lakers game last night:

http://www.iheartjakemedia.com/displayimage.php?album=lastup&cat=0&pos=0

Anonymous said...

That first picture, Jake is the spit of the youngest Baldwin brother with that look on his face. I thought it was him when I first saw the picture!

dottieb said...

IF he's wearing boots, those crayfish might see something else to pinch. . . .

Anonymous said...

Great picture at Lakers game, Cina! Now - who's the guy he's with?

nice anonymous said...

Eeeewwww. Just crossed my legs tightly underneath the desk, as a result of experiencing crayfish castration anxiety complex on Jake's behalf.

Have a Happy Thanksgiving, Jake. Stay away from native American shellfish species.

Do you think he helps with cooking the bird or the side dishes? Seems like he might, given his skills & interests. Or do they order it all in? Trying to imagine the Gyllenhaal's Thanksgiving. (Which I hope they don't find intrusive or offensive.)

Anonymous said...

Haha I remember the "Whose idea was this, then?" posts..,like the one where Jake akwardly was leaning backwards over the top of a sports car...that's the first one that comes to mind...I've been lurking this blog for the longest time yet I rarely ever post...

Anonymous said...

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spaghetti alla carbonara

Anonymous said...

we need to see a picture of the dick!

Anonymous said...

i would love to suck his dick

senior68 said...

Personally, I don't find any part of Jakes body imperfect and the more of it I can see...the better!!

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