Saturday, December 02, 2006

AGENT INITIATION: ROBERT DOWNEY, JR.


Dear Robert Downey, Jr,
I would like to congratulate you on your official initation as a Jake Watch agent. Now that you have made a public oath to Jake, you are a full-fledged member of our organization. I'd like to thank you for all the help you gave us during the filming of Zodiac, and I'm pleased that you found the experience rewarding enough to become a permanent member of our institution.

If you recall, you said the following in reference to Jake Gyllenhaal on the night of October 16, 2006: "And I see him doin’ it, and that’s why I got his back forever” (source). This more than exceeds our requirement for a public oath of lifetime devotion. You also said, "Nobody’s wearing any underwear at table 23," equally important to our cause here at Jake Watch, although in the future, we ask that you assess the sock situation before you move on to undergarments. Beginner's mistake.

You have now joined a small but growing number of celebrities who have devoted their lives to the protection of the Gyllenhaal. Your new status will allow you certain priviledges, such as a laminated cardboard ID badge. You may recall that on the night that you swore permanent allegiance to Jake, I took a picture of you for your ID:
Image Hosted by ImageShack.us
As you can see, we're going to have to redo that. Unfortunately, no one alerted Mr. Gyllenhaal, Sr. as to the severity of the situation and he chose to walk in front of my camera at an inopportune moment. You did well to act naturally and pretend nothing was out of the ordinary. We'll get another picture when you report to Headquarters.

I'd also like to thank you for going out of your way to help us with the recruitment of Lance Armstrong, who has but a few more intense training sessions before he will be asked to make his public pledge to Jake. Lance's ID photo actually turned out worse than yours:
Image Hosted by ImageShack.us
In his defense, though, Lance did inspire us to do a special two-page spread in The Daily Jake Watch called "The Backs of Celebrities." It was magnificent.

So, Robert Downey, Jr. as new Agent, we ask that you report immediately to Peter Sarsgaard, who has already been alerted to your new status. He will fill you in on what's to be expected in the years to come. It's not an easy job and you'll probably die in the line of duty. We look forward to working with you and remember: SOCKS FIRST.

Yours in service to Jake,
PG

Amazing photography from PG's private collection. Please do not reproduce without permission. Bitches.

45 comments:

kaydee said...

LOL

will the public ever see the backs of celebrities spread?

and please, do not stop my RDJ if he wants to asses the state of JG underwear. i, for one, have a very wide range of interests and do not wish to limit myself to just his socks. ;)

cina said...

Hats off to you agent RDJ. And since you graduated with honors from The JW Academy, I too will let that little mistake with the "sock situation" slide. Anyone can make a mistake and this was your first official mission after all. But from now on, any further mistakes will not be overlooked. It's a tough call being a JW agent, but it's JAKE we're talking about here, and he deserves nothing but the best. At all times. But I know you know that. I salute you, fellow agent!

(By all means, I'm not the one to say no to "Underwear Watch". Hell no, I volunteer to investigate in person...)

cina said...

Came up with a better name than Underwear Watch:
Jock Watch.

We definitely need to have a Jock Watch!!

dani said...

"It's not an easy job and you'll probably die in the line of duty."

Good thing I wasn't drinking my coffee at the moment I read that line. I would have sprayed it all over my keyboard. So funny!

Welcome to Agent RDJ, an actor that I have liked even before Jake. I am so glad he's been keeping his life together and knowing Jake can only enrich it.

Cina, I like the idea of Jock Watch. I shouldn't say it, but I am actually more interested in Jake's underwear, or lack of than I am his socks!

heddaparsons said...

LOL!!! Thanks for this post PG, I needed the laugh! I just had a really embarrassing incident on the way home from the supermarket about 30 min. ago: one of the wheels of my shopping cart fell off and my groceries went sprawling! I was forced to try and roll a 3-wheel cart full of groceries home!! Anyway, congratulations RDJ, but I would like to know how he knew that no one was wearing underwear at table 23!

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kaydee said...

I would like to know how he knew that no one was wearing underwear at table 23!

so would i, Hedda, so would i! :))))

Anonymous said...

Spam alert! Penis growth patch? I hope they are not implying RDJ needs one!

cina said...

Well, we all know Jake certainly doesn't seem to need one... ;-)

Anonymous said...

Wellll...someone commented that Robert was unusually clumsy that night. Kept dropping things and had to scoot under table 23 to retrieve them...I didn't make much of it until I heard his comments...see...all that time he was researching what to say in his introductory remarks. Congratulations Agent Downey, Jr.!!!!Among all your other skills you have demonsrated your abilities as an orator.

Anonymous said...

This is so cool! love to see Jake and Robert together. I have loved Robert forever. I can hardly wait to see Zodiac! I hope when they are promoting Zodiac that they will do some talk shows together!

kaydee said...

Kept dropping things and had to scoot under table 23 to retrieve them...

nice technique. if i ever happen to be sitting at the same table with JG i will employ it and spend half the time under the table enjoying the sights...

or above the table... enjoying the sights.

damn, that would be a real hard choice! ;D

kaydee said...

PG, your pics actually remind me of my own photographic masterpieces: my cat's tail, my friends right hand in front of the rooftop of the louvre in paris and my grandmother's nose when i zoomed too much etc. etc. etc.;)

Anonymous said...

PG! LOVE your picture of Robert! He looks so totally cool...just like a JW agent should look. And even tho SG was blocking the shot (albeit inadvertently) you succeeded in capturing just how intensely dedicated Agent Downey is. Plus he looks cuddlely.

The Bearded Lady said...

To borrow the immortal words of Mary Tyler Moore ~ "Oh Rob"

and the warmest of congratulations on your new status.
I look forward to seeing you wearing underwear in the future.

Yours, TBL

Nothing Really Matters said...

Dude your're so funny! You that great pictures PG! Have i seen these before ;-)

Anneka's Alias said...

If I had to work in a semi-secret organisation, and I do, Robert Downey Jnr is the guy I'd want on side. He thinks fast on his feet - that's how he escaped from rehab. And Gothika.

lol on the whole id pictures. How come id pictures are always the worst pictures ever taken of yourself?

Anonymous said...

Guess I'm slow to pick up on trends. To think the no underwear policy was chic back then...way back in October.. and now it's just so overdone. I mean, obviously there are certain people who benefit from the policy and others who definitely do NOT.

Simon Agent 002 said...

PG, I'm seeing a collection of your photography in coffee table book form.
How is this for a working title?... "The Inverse of Celebrity"

nice anonymous said...

Okay, ProphecyGirl, this is definitely going to become one of my favorite posts. Just what I needed after a long day spent lugging a lot of heavy shopping bags through subway turnstiles. RDJ looks pretty damned good to me in this picture, despite the partially obstructed view -- but then again, RDJ's looked good to me for years & years. (I'd like to pet that velvet coat he's got on -- looks expensive.) So glad he's been inducted into our holy cause.

shaken not stirred said...

I hope that Jake and Robert do Zodiac promos together when this film FINALLY opens next year!

Kendra said...

I hear that no underwear is the latest trendy fashion in celebs!

S4M985 said...

Kendra- apparently so, no complaints from my end thats for sure! Unless of course its someone that is not incredibly good looking like Jake, now that could become nasty.... Welcome aboard RDJ!

j01560403 said...

Here's a link to what JakeWatch Agents should be on the lookout for....

Pants

Prophecy Girl said...

^^^ As I just posted over there, HOT DAMN!

j01560403 said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
The Bearded Lady said...

I know when I go without my underwear, it causes quite a fuss.

Poor Jake, I remember back when they admired his eyes.

j01560403 said...

Oops!

Um, thanks PG! Glad you like. And here is one more file for JakeWatch Agents, this is what they should be guarding:

For JakeWatch Agents' eyes only

Wet For Went said...

Great post PG! Welcome to the fold Rob. Once you get settled in, I'll show you my bullet wound.

Newport Girl said...

kaydee said:

"will the public ever see the backs of celebrities spread?"

"do not stop my RDJ if he wants to asses the state of JG underwear"

Maybe not the way I would write it, but deep down, my thoughts exactly. lol

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Newport Girl said...

Kendra said: "I hear that no underwear is the latest trendy fashion in celebs!"

PLEASE DO NOT TELL WILFORD BRIMLEY ABOUT THIS LATEST TRENDY FASHION

Newport Girl said...

Wet For Went said: "Once you get settled in, I'll show you my bullet wound."

And afterwards, RDJ, let me demonstrate to you my world-renowned talent for...OMG is this a public blog? Didn't know that...well, I best be goin now...

atk said...

Congratulations, special agent RDJ. Way to go!

And LOL at Jock watch. I´m all for it.

Linna said...

LMFAO!

And Jock Watch - priceless!

mpom said...

Great post PG. Things at work are a nightmare right now and I can always count on you to put it all into the proper perspective. No matter how tired I am the JW team comes through with the laughs.

This is too much...
Kendra said: "I hear that no underwear is the latest trendy fashion in celebs!"

PLEASE DO NOT TELL WILFORD BRIMLEY ABOUT THIS LATEST TRENDY FASHION

My sentiments exactly.

This "no underwear thing" is yucky. Now when ever I shop for clothes I am put off trying on because suppose the last person who did was underwearless.
Gaaagh!!!!!

Maybe it's my job. I am a taylor. We get really "into" the inside of peoples clothes. You would not believe some of the things I've run across }:(

Kendra said...

PLEASE DO NOT TELL WILFORD BRIMLEY ABOUT THIS LATEST TRENDY FASHION

I won't, newport girl, "Cocoon" wouln't have been so moving with crotch shots at limos.

The Bearded Lady said...

Mpom - I couldn't agree more.

Anonymous said...

OT but...I just got a Google alert
that carried an item from E! Online's Planet Gossip on December 1st, saying that Jake and Mia Maestro were definitely dating.(yay!) The blurb goes on to say that Jake's part of this new group of "friends" including Penelope Cruz, Salma Hayek and Orlando Bloom...which I find absolutely total bullshit since Penelope is estranged from Matty, who is a friend of Jake's and, most importantly, Orlando has been dating Kirsten Dunst...I'm not saying he isn't friends with Salma and Penelope, or even that Penelope isn't still friends with Matty, bcz I think she is, but it strains credulity to think Jake and Orlando would hang out together if Orlando is dating Kirsten. I think Jake and Kirsten are definitely ovah, but it would be beyond awkward...The picture they showed of Mia bears a striking resemblance to Natalie Portman, btw. That is all. I just wanted to give y'all this "news" bulletin since my bullshit detector went off. LOL! This stuff is SO high school. All these overlapping relationships...

kaydee said...

Penelope Cruz, Salma Hayek and jake are three most beautiful ppl in the world. seeing them together just might make my poor heart burst

Anonymous said...

Agree, kaydee! Mia Maestro is very pretty, too, and there is a Natalie resemblance.

Anonymous said...

4:12PM I thought Kristen denied dating Orlando???

amdaz said...

Laminated cardbox ID?

YAY !!
we're going high class!

Anonymous said...

^That's the idea

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