We’re at the school quiz. Jake proves he is the smartest one, despite Son of Howard wearing specs, as he answers some random question and looks suitably smug. Emmy is distracted from Jake’s cleverness by some much less attractive git across the room. Maybe she should borrow Son of Howard’s specs. Jake is terrified by ugly git scamming on his chick.
Quiz is over, now we’re getting down. Emmy brought a sexy dress, just in case Jake was distracted by all the other nerds in their school uniforms. Jake says she looks beautiful. And I agree. Man, if I wasn’t waiting for Jake, I’d give you my heart Emmy. However, she is not very impressed with Jake’s compliment as she decides to go off with Ugly Git who has the world’s ‘coolest’ name – JD – leaving Jake behind to pretend he’s a cup-holder. If you want my advice Jake, if she should get herself in some kind of predicament, say she’s helping some French people out of taxi while a giant wave is coming towards her, LEAVE HER BEHIND!!! Son of Howard says Jake seems to have competition in the form of Ugly Git. Maybe SOH needs to borrow SOH’s glasses. Wait…
At DQ’s place, it’s thundery and the phone is ringing. It’s Bilbo calling from Scotland. He explains about the cold buoys and DQ panics that a new ice age is coming within the next half an hour. Hope Jake remembered to take his skis. Hope that’s how you spell skis.
Two peeps in LA are getting it on instead of monitoring the weather. In a disaster movie about killer weather. If they die, Darwin wrote the script. The Non-weather-monitoring-guy leaves to answer the phone and talks to a man observing Tokyo-style falling ice on the beach. As we watch, a tornado forms over LA. Man, when it’s not tornados in that town its volcanoes.
Back in Washington, DQ, his boss, New Guy and a pretty Asian lady are talking about doing computer models on Bilbo’s buoys in order to do a forecast. All you need for that, guys is a green screen and a button to change the pictures.
LA, always a city for going over the top, now has about eight tornadoes, one of which takes out the Hollywood sign. Where are all the tourists going to have their picture taken now? Oh that’s right, at the fake Hollywood sign at Universal Pictures. Some dick on the news asks if anyone in the midst of these eight tornadoes is hurt. Where did you go to journalism school? Cars rain down on a news van, a guy in a Porsche is crushed by a bus. Do YOU think people got hurt?
Cut to Jake and the Super-Nerds watching Porsche-crushing on the news. Jake’s wearing a sexy grey t-shirt despite the disaster surrounding him. Gotta look good when they dig you out of that rubble. Back to tornado central where the room is a rocking, and not because the non-weather monitoring people have gone back to woohoo. Non-weather-monitoring-guy opens the blinds. Oh, now you wanna see what the weather is doing? There’s a crash and when the floor-buffer-er goes to see the fate of our canoodling couple, the entire room has been blown away. Darwin, please collect your Oscar™ for Best Screenplay.
Cut to Vice Prez filling in Real Prez. Note: not an innuendo, they are not having sex. Real Prez is obviously modelled after Real World Leaders as he immediately asks someone else what he should do.
Cut to Super-Nerds and Jake. SOH has been on the phone to his Mum, probably crying that the other nerds are picking on him. That’s what I used to do anyway. He changes the TV channel, much to everyone’s disappointment until they realise CSI is on. Just kidding, but is it me, or is it always on? It’s news about planes being grounded so they have to stay put. That’ll give Jake more time to do the deed with Emmy. Or SOH. No, we decided it was girls.
Back to DQ’s office where his boss says there’s lots of work to do. No shit Sherlock, half of LA just got hoovered up, along with your two best weather monitors there. All the clever weather peeps at DQ’s place are bitching about how the weird weather couldn’t possibly be connected. Man, I need to get me a job there – OF COURSE IT IS! Before I can get me an interview, DQ explains his theory about there being too much water in the sea. The rest of the movie documents how DQ got into rehab for glue-sniffing. WHAT THE HELL KIND OF SENTENCE IS THAT!?! Hang on – “We’ve just hit a critical desalinisation point.” Holy shit! Isn’t that one of the signs of the apocalypse, along with the Ron from Harry Potter making films with the word ‘pants’ in the title?
DQ and the gang adopt Pretty Asian Lady to help make weather forecasts with help from Bilbo. New Guy Who Destroys Antarctic Shelves tries to chat up Pretty Asian Lady with a handshake. Old Guy Who Croaks Before The End smacks him upside the head. Man, if I weren’t waiting for Jake, and you weren’t going to die before the end, I’d give you my heart Old Guy Who Croaks Before The End.
Cut to Movie Mom who is predictably a doctor. She’s looking after a small bald child called Peter who cannot read. But he won’t be able to enjoy the Da Vinci Code! Not that many people did. (Note: I have recently been informed that Peter cannot read because he has a tumour on his brain. Whoops, my bad!)
Back to DQ and Friends who are fiddling with computers - www.jakewatch.com, ladies and gents. Old Guy Who Croaks Before The End tells us DQ is the only one who hasn’t taken a break. None of you lazy bastards should be taking a break. The world’s coming to an end, Jake’s in mortal peril and you lot are round the bloody water cooler chatting about Brangelina? DQ ignores my rant and goes for a nap. Don’t be surprised if you wake up under water then. Pretty Asian Lady asks if he’s always this obsessive. What, about napping? She asks how long the gang have been together and New Guy explains in a way that is supposed to be funny that he is New Guy and the Old Guy Who Croaks Before The End is the Old Guy Who Croaks Before The End. However, not funny.
A second later, though we’re meant to believe it’s hours later – secrets of the business people – they go down to wake up DQ. He is obviously upset by the results. Turns out he’s not Jake’s Dad. Oh sorry, wrong results. DQ says 6-8 months can’t be right. There is a flash of lightening as Pretty Asian Lady says “No Dumbass, that’s in weeks. Learn to read.”
It’s raining like crazy in New York. Jake’s on the phone to DQ telling him the school is full of sewage. There’s a pleasant image. Hands up who still would if Jake was covered in sewage? DQ asks Jake where he’s staying tonight. Little perspective DQ, world ending and all that jazz. Jake’s staying with the New York branch of the Super-Nerds. Oooh, they can stay up, discussing which Nobel Prize they want to win when they grow up – it’ll be just like Chemistry camp except less poison ivy. Jake watches Ugly Git chatting with Emmy as he complains about the stench of the sewage. Little perspective Jake, world ending and all that jazz. Jake says he’ll take the train. Jake, if the trains don’t run ’cos there are leaves on the track, I don’t think they’ll be running in a flood. But what do I know, try your luck. Jake goes to meet his gang to discover that Ugly Git – momentarily promoted to Ugly Sneering Git will be providing their accommodation. Jake looks less than pleased. He was probably hoping to get in a sleeping bag with Emmy. I know I was. Hoping he would that is, not me. Phew, think I got away with that.
Tune in quite damn soon for Part 3 of this most epic review.