Sunday, April 30, 2006
YOU TUBE FUN
Ricky Gervais Podcast.
It's Brokeback Mountain related rather than Jake but it's hilarious!
My favourite line has to be, "...or is it filler?".
THE SUNDAY PROJECT
We all know that Jake is an animal fan, who isn't? His penchant for all things furry is legendary so I reckon it's only a matter of time before he departs with another $1000 for this year's most desirable pet. Now I can't really be arsed to go and research the rising and fallings of designer pooches so we'll have to forego accuracy and concentrate on entertainment.
A. PEEKAPOO - A CROSS BETWEEN A DOG AND THAT YELLOW POINTY EARED THING FROM POKEMON.
B. SCHNOODLES - I HEAR IT'S A LOVELY PASTRY DESSERT FROM GERMANY VIA ASIA
C. SHIH TSU - WHAT? I HAVE ONE AND I'M ONLY A LITTLE ASHAMED TO ADMIT IT. UNFORTUNATELY IT WON'T LET ME PUT THINGS IN IT'S HAIR.
(note: this is not my dog. My Shih Tsu is a damn mess.)
D. BLOFELD'S CAT. EVERYONE NEEDS A LITTLE PUSSY. SORRY.
E. A SKUNK - APPARENTLY THEY MAKE REALLY GREAT PETS! VERY LOYAL AND GOOD WITH CHILDREN.
F. THE OTHER PUGGLE. LEARN MORE HERE.
G. THE ANIMAL
Saturday, April 29, 2006
REMEMBER HOW WE WERE SAYING...
They (the babies)...can be seen in new movie, Zodiac, which comes out in September and features Jake Gyllenhaal. In a scene, Gyllenhaal rocks a baby and hushes her to sleep. According to Marsha, Kiley peed on Jake in real life. The twins had to wear cloth diapers, a common practice during the time period of the movie. But Gyllenhaal didn’t complain.“He was so nice,” Marsha said. “He was really good with them.”
Again, this is doing bad things to me.
OFF TOPIC: REAL LIFE DRAMA
To cut a long story short I'm a Uni student in my final year and I live in a student village in a lovely house with five other people. One of these people, let's call him Ted, is hardly ever at Uni preferring to spend his days bouncing around the country and getting drunk in various towns. This is all good because it means we didn't have to deal with him until last night.
He showed up around 4pm with three friends. I wasn't exactly ecstatic to see him as last time he came him and his friends got completely wasted and wrecked the house, mainly leaving blood and piss all over the bathroom floors. One housemate went to complain to the porter about it but by the time she got back the crafty bastards had left, leaving us to clean up the mess. That was back in Februray and we hadn't seen Ted since. When Ted saw me he reassured me that these were different friends and they were nothing like the others that came last time. I had my doubts but there was not a lot I could do so I just told them if I caught any of them smoking in the kitchen they'd better be on fucking fire (I HATE cigarette smoke!). They left the house around 7pm to head into town. The rest of the house have various dissertations, essays and exams to do so we were all staying in. I went to bed around midnight in the hope I could fall into a deep sleep before they got back and wouldn't wake me up. How wrong was I?
They came in around 12.30am shouting, chanting and seemed to be slamming every door around the house. I just tutted and rolled over in the hope they'd eventually stop. But it got worse, the shouting turned to screaming and the whole house felt like it was shaking. At this point they were still downstairs so I braved it out my door and went to check on my mate Anneka. We were both just a little bemused by this point but as I stood chatting at her doorway three men ran upstairs naked. They started running round the landing yelling various things at us. I was laughing at first but they started coming towards us so we both ran into Anneka's room and locked the door. They started ram raiding all the doors upstairs, let off all the fire extinguishers, flooded the bathroom, broke the lights and smashed glasses against the wall. I was concerned about our housemate Donna because she was really ill with a cold so I took a chance and legged it across the landing and got into her room. She'd managed to contact her Dad who had rung the university wardens (we couldn't get through on our mobiles).
At this point they let off another fire extinguisher but this time it was the CO2 one so gas started to fill the entire house, choking us. Thankfully the porters arrived and set off the fire alarm so we all evacuated the house. We were all pretty shook up because, and not to set the feminist movement back fifty years but, we're just tiny girls! When we were all stood on the grass outside the naked boys started yelling at us calling us 'sluts', 'bitches', you name it. They also started a race row, calling us arrogant because we're English (they're Welsh). I had enough so I started screaming back. I thought I was quite articulate in my arguement, all things considered. Then the police arrived and told the naked boys to leave because they were on Uni property and had no right to be there. They kept saying they were guests of the house and they couldn't understand what the problem was! I think it's because they were still drunk and couldn't reason why the police had turned up.
One of our housemates pointed out that they had no where to go and would just come backtto the house and cause more aggro so couldn't they just be arrested? The policeman said, "Are you telling me how to do my job, mate?" So then the police started arguing with us! It was like watching something on TV, I just couldn't believe it. We finally got back inside the house but there was broken glass, vomit and bloody CO2 gas everywhere! The wardens came back in with us and started saying how it was our responsibilty to clean it up and there was nothing they could do about it. As I final kick in the balls, so to speak, he added that it looked like the carpet needed replacing and that would cost us thousands.
I finally got to bed but couldn't sleep because the gas was making me nauseous. I thought about just going to a Bed & Breakfast, or even better, home! I wasn't that upset just really, really angry. I got up this morning to find a note from Donna saying she was catching the morning train home because she couldn't take it. I really couldn't blame her. I tried hoovering but everything had been trodden in. I went to wake up Ted, who hadn't been carted away by the police for some reason but he wouldn't get up. I then went to the porter's cabin to see if there was anything they could do and they said that now the police were involved it was out of there hands. Great, thanks.
So this is where I'm at now. I have to wait for the police and wardens. I've got my final project due in and I still feel sick from the gas. Sorry that was hella long but god, it was a long night.
Friday, April 28, 2006
THIS IS INTERESTING...
NEW YORK - Peter Sarsgaard got a new roommate to prepare for his role as a Marine in the Gulf War drama Jarhead.
The 34-year-old actor plays Jake Gyllenhaal's sniper partner in the film adaptation of Anthony Swofford's memoir, so he decided to spend as much time as possible with him in real life, he told the New York Times Magazine in Sunday's issue.
"I figured if I couldn't be around my girlfriend, I would settle for her brother," said Sarsgaard, who's dating Maggie Gyllenhaal. Sarsgaard and Jake Gyllenhaal lived together for about five months during filming, mostly in a hotel in Mexico.
"The idea was to simulate the military experience: what happens if you're forced to be with someone every minute of the day and night," Sarsgaard told the magazine. "And we fought. We'd have a fight and then we'd still have to be together. For a while, I would just wear headphones. All the time. That lasted for 10 days."
Order was eventually restored, he said.
Sarsgaard said he hurt his knee and ribs during filming, but shrugged off the injuries as part of the "endurance test."
"It's hard to complain because I'm an actor and not an actual soldier," he said. "I want to be very careful and respect the fact that there's really a war going on."
Sarsgaard's film credits include "Kinsey," "Garden State," and "Boys Don't Cry."
The idea of Peter Sarsgaard and Jake living together does bad, i.e good, things to me. It makes me have bad, i.e good, thoughts. You may discuss things they might have done in their time as roomies. Like showering together and making cheesecake.
SOCK WATCH # 4
Sorry, I'm very behind on Sock Watch. There has just been so many other things going on like, er...umm...ah....I had to do my washing...
- COLOUR: Taupe? Fawn? Nude? What the hell colour is that, Jake!??
- TYPE: Ribbed and ankle; fusion socks!
- HEIGHT: Dangerously low
- OVERALL STATUS: Confused; are ankle socks the foot equivalent of a strapless bra?
Is that skateboard made of polished mahogany?
BACK TO SOCK WATCH
WHOSE IDEA WAS THIS THEN?
I remember when Ben Affleck went through a frosted tips phase. It made my stomach turn. It was also around the same time as his Pearl Harbor phase so maybe that was also related to my dismissal of him. With this picture however I'm not sure how to react. My love for Jake will always overwhelm any other feeling that may surge up but this bleached, Paris Hilton shade of fake tan, embroided silk jacket and weird hand posturing combo must be my limit. Thankfully this happened a long time ago and I have seen no repeat peformances. If he still walked around dressed like this I would have more reason to believe he was actually gay. It certainly puts the cycling outfit into perspective.
Thursday, April 27, 2006
JAKE'S NEW GIRLFRIEND?
Anyways my days of fiddling with nose settings and longing for a bushier eyebrow option are over! Some delightful person with a lot of patience has created this Jake. Get your very own Jake/Jack HERE. Whadda you mean it's creepy?
I'm not sure about the pudding bowl haircut or the orange nipples but apart from that it's pretty damn good. And guess what? You can get a matching Heath/Ennis for him to play with. In case you're unsure what that might look like another delightful person has created this picture montage:
Now excuse me, I'm off to get virtual britpopbaby bigger boobs and a hot tub...
Wednesday, April 26, 2006
THE GYLLENHAAL ENJOYS A SPOT OF KARAOKE
Don't we all? But, oh no, it looks like Jake has forgotten the words so let's all help him not make a nincompoop of himself and sing along!
"Bah bah bah, bah bah da da...
It's not unusual to be loved by anyone
It's not unusual to have fun with anyone
but when I see you hanging about with anyone
It's not unusual to see me cry, oh I wanna' die
It's not unusual to go out at any time
but when I see you out and about it's such a crime
if you should ever want to be loved by anyone,
It's not unusual it happens every day no matter what you say
you find it happens all the time
love will never do what you want it to
why can't this crazy love be mine
It's not unusual, to be mad with anyone
It's not unusual, to be sad with anyone
but if I ever find that you've changed at anytime
it's not unusual to find out that I'm in love with you
Where's the leather pants and gold medallions when you need them? Oh well, we can still throw our knickers at him...
JAKE BACK IN LA
OFF TOPIC: BOOTIFUL MAGGIE!
Tuesday, April 25, 2006
BOO WATCH: PETER SARSGAARD NOT AT ALL IMPRESSED BY BOO
Boo is cute as hell. Jake thinks so. Maggie thinks so. Peter Sarsgaard thinks...oh wait, no. He's giving Boo the look you'd give a scabby pigeon if it came too close to you. The contempt, Sarsgaard. The contempt!
Boo writes: "Jake, my owner, told me about Boo Watch and I'll admit at first I thought what fucked up kinda mofo would write such pointless shit about some celebrity's hybrid designer dog but now I've come to see it as a valuable source full of insightful observations and witty commentary. I log on daily to confirm what I'm supposed to be doing, y'know, to check where Jake is carrying me today. Usually it's all harmless fun but now I see this! I always thought Peter Sarsgard really liked me; he is always telling me what an adorable little puggle I am and asking me if I'd like another biscuit. Thanks for shining a light on the truth for me Boo Watch, associated with Jake Watch, copyright 2006, all rights reserved. Now I know what I'm really dealing with. I have already pissed in this punk's shoes and wait 'til he finds what I did in his bed.
All my love, Boo Radley, Puggle and Cutie-Pie Extraordinaire."
2006 MTV MOVIE AWARDS
Is the summer awards season upon us already? I've barely had time to return my Oscar dress to Vera Wang and now I have to go out and find something vibrantly coloured and slutty to wear to this? My life is just one crazy social whirlwind!
It is your duty as stalkers, er, fans to go and tick the box for one Monsieur Gyllenhaal as the more votes he gets, the better the chance he wins and then he'll have to cart his ass over there to collect that tacky as Anna Nicole Smith piece of award and voilà, we get us some live Jake action. He is nominated in Best Peformance (hee) and Best Kiss (hee, hee). Click here to vote now!
The site is a real pain in the ass because it's full of adverts and pointless animations but bear with it. If you could also vote for either Vince Vaughn or Ralph Fiennes when Jake is not an option, I'd be most grateful. I'd also be eternally grateful if you could refrain from voting for Jessica Simpson and Paris Hilton in any catergory unless I missed the 'Which celebrity would you most like to see disembowelled live on the night?' page, then please, go right ahead.
Monday, April 24, 2006
I WONDER WHO THAT COULD BE?
QUOTE OF THE WEEK
Jake Gyllenhaal, rural biologist.
Is he talking about us?
Sunday, April 23, 2006
THE SUNDAY PROJECT PART DEUX
The Jakester has just finished filming the thriller Zodiac but what the Dickens is next in the pipeline? You know what, maybe he hasn't decided yet; should he do a rom-com with Brittany Murphy or how about some improv theatre with Kevin Spacey? If our suspicions are correct and Jake is an avid blog walker prehaps we should throw foward some helpful suggestions so we can rest assured that his career continues along the right path. So, what should be Jake's next project?
A. Epic, maybe with romance. Wait...definately with romance, naked romance.
It worked for Russell Crowe, well, until he started flinging phones at mortals. The big adventure that lasts over three hours so that your arse is numb and you can't walk when you try to leave the theatre. Something with Romans raping and pillaging their way across Europe but helpfully building aqueducts in the process?
B. QUINCY, M.E
They seem to have remade every old seventies TV show going. Some worked, (Charlies Angels), some didn't, (everything else). Why not throw one more into the mix? Jake Gyllenhaal is Quincy, M.E, a man with a strong sense of principles but also a dab hand at forensic science, cruising round LA, looking sexy and solving cases. Also starring Gene Hackman as Dr Robert Austin. And what's going on with Miami Vice? It feels like they've been making it since the seventies.
It's about the only Jane Austen novel left that hasn't been turned into a major motion picture. This is really just to fill my perverted desire to see Jake as a Mr Darcy-type, being all strong and silent yet still flouncing around the English countryside looking mighty dapper! He would play Captain Wentworth, the naval officer returned victorious from securing the Empire and looking for a filly. Hahzar!
D. The Musical!
Jake has obviously been chomping at the bit to star in a musical since missing out on the part in Moulin Rouge and we also know of his desire to return to the stage so what could be more fitting than Brokeback Mountain: The Musical! Now everyone sing along! "Like a rhinestone cowboy..."
E. I don't care as long as he dances around naked in a Santa hat again.
On a side note: I had a really vivid dream last night where the cast of Brokeback Mountain were being interviewed by Graham Norton and when Jake was asked about his beard (that he has just parted with) he said that the only reason he grew it was so that the ladies would have something to grab hold of whilst making the beast with two backs. It's not the most interesting dream I've had about Jake but it was kinda precise. Also at one point they were all laughing so much that Jake's contact lense fell out and Heath put it back in for him. I'm going to stop now, I'm freaking myself out.
Saturday, April 22, 2006
OOH, JAKE! HOW YOU DELIGHT ME WITH THAT POLO SHIRT!
Sorry they're tiny. I'll update with HQ if and when I find them. But doesn't he look lovely? Jake, you please britpopbaby with this choice of attire, you please her very much. I think he realised how much he upset us on Wednesday and has vowed from now on only to wear sexy clothes.
Shorts too, mmmmmm. Is it that time of year already?
Update: Action shot! (from iheartjake). And yes, I feel a Sock Watch brewing...
NO NO NO NO NO. JUST NO.
So many celebrities, so little time. We've got the J-Man, Mark Ruffalo, Lauren Ambrose, some hairy bedraggled man and Jake's mama! It's like celebrity bingo. It's a pity Maggie and the Sarsgaard aren't there or we could have had a full house and won a bottle of Malt Whiskey.
View more pictures including exciting shots of Jake's Dad and huge piles of black bin bags here courtesy of iheartjake.
P.S What is that place they are hugging in front of? They have huge crayons in the window. Why? Why? I wanna know!
Friday, April 21, 2006
NEWS ROUND UP
God, as soon as I start doing something everyone has a go - I distinctly remember donning a tight fitting nylon Union Jack dress just one month before Ginger Spice did and don't even get me started on Russ Trolls! Anyways, Jake's higly literate and well read pappa has written an online article about George Bush and nuclear war and stuff if you're interested. I thought you might be because some of you seem to be nursing a major crush on him. For the record, you are so wrong but I won't punish you for it. Read the article here.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY MA'AM
As much as I try and fit in with my American friends, what with my hip slang talk and references to er...Teri Hatcher and Jackie Stallone, sometimes I just have to accept that I'm British. So like all good citizens of the Empire I wish Her Majesty a very happy 80th birthday. This broad ain't never gonna die.
A passing nineteenth century Cockney added, "God bless ya ma'am. Shes just like us really! Now excuse me, I have to go sweep chimneys. God Save The Queen!"
RODEO RUBRIC WINNER
Congratulations to squallcloud for winning that coverted week in the stocks for this rubric:
"I sure hope Ennis don't find out I'm courtin' Mexican street walkers again or it's my ass!"
I awarded points for the Brokeback Mountain reference, gay connotations, the word 'ass', inclusion of a South American country and most importantly, mockery of Robert Downey Junior.
I just want to say I'm proud of you all for particpating and I'm especially impressed with how low you all sank in your bid to poke fun at Jake. I also have to give an honourable mention to claire for referencing 1970's British culture.
DING DONG THE BEARD IS DEAD!
NOW I DON'T KNOW A LOT ABOUT PRE NATAL CARE BUT...
Thursday, April 20, 2006
I'LL TAKE THIS AS AN APOLOGY
RUBRIC RODEO! WHAT?
Please don't question how accurately this phrase conveys the idea of a caption contest I just really like the way it sounds! It sounds sex-ay.
So what's going on here? Why that look on Jake's face? Why that hair on Robert Downey Jnr? Please place your rubrics (go with it!) in the comments section below. You've got one day to display your waggish quips and can enter as many times as you like (within reason, I'm taking up enough bandwidth as it is). The winner shall be annointed Jester of the Court and will recieve a week in the stocks where we can all throw our rotten produce at them and nobles can poke them with rapiers. Yay!
Wednesday, April 19, 2006
UM...I THINK JAKE JUST SLIPPED FROM DEITY TO MORTAL
If any thing can be salvaged from this wreckage it is this ass shot. I just don't think it's enough.
JAKE GYLLENHAAL: MAN ON A MISSION
BACK AWAY FROM MY MAN # 2
JAKE MORPHING INTO OBI WAN KENOBI
Tuesday, April 18, 2006
HOW MUCH FOOD DOES ONE MAN NEED?
(pictures from iheartjake)
QUOTE OF THE WEEK
Jake Gyllenhaal, Confucius of our time.
I think with this sentiment Jake was implying more innocent things but let's make the leaping assumption that it also applies to stalking. For example, take the first line; Jake says only listen to the people who encourage us to stalk, (e.g me), and ignore those who say we shouldn't,(e.g family and friends, the police, law courts, therapists). Jake says if that's what we want to do and we have it within ourselves to achieve that then we should always keep going. Thanks, Jake. It's so good to know that you understand. Now, where exactly do you live ?
HUBBA HUBBA! IT'S THE RETURN OF THE TIGHTY WHITEY
I would also point out that Jake has adopted the 'bridesmaid' rule, i.e hanging out with people less attractive to make you look better, but who are we kidding? Anyone is going to look like crap the cat dragged in and then the dog chewed standing next to Jake - remember Kirsten Dunst?
Monday, April 17, 2006
OFF TOPIC: GET IT OFF YOUR CHEST
And for anyone who dismisses this topic as nothing more than filler because there is no Jake news, well, then...your right.
I THINK I WORKED OUT WHERE THE ANISTON-PITT UNION REALLY WENT WRONG
I can't really blame Jennifer, you'd have to be a militant lesbian to resist the Gyllenhaal's charms. You can see more overt displays of affection slash borderline dry humping here. I mean there is being really really proud of your co-star and then there is this.