Sunday, May 21, 2006

A JAKE GYLLENHAAL MASTERCLASS: FLIRTING 101

Having problems attracting that special someone? Single and ready to mingle? So shy you could cry? Well, don't fret a moment longer my little cherubs because Professor Jake is here to show us how it's done. By the end of todays lecture you shall all be fluent in the language of flirt.

Step 1: Smile as enthusiastically as possible at every moment to show you're really, really happy to be there. It shows you're a fun time kinda person, approachable or maybe on some pills. Either way, it's a winner - unless you have teeth like Shane MacGowan...then you might as well go home now.

Step 2: Make like your extremely interested in anything your crush has to say. You may use my patented techinque - the bottom lip bite. Good, isn't it?

Step 3: Hypnotise your prey. That's easy for me to say with my baby blues but even those less blessed can manage it. Persistance is the key. Don't get too carried away though or it'll turn into some weird stare down and you'll have to leave.

Step 4: Joke time! You gotta make them laugh but with you not at you. An inoffensive anecdote will work well. You can recycle my 'Got arrested for stealing Speedos' story but you might want to scratch the Speedos part - I do.


Step 5: Going well? Of course it is! Now you can really test the water. Try a quick quip. Make it confident, maybe even slightly arrogant. Here I'm saying, "Can you see Uranus tonight? Can I?"

Step 6: Now you might want to try the 'Too Cool for School' vibe. No one likes the whiff of desperation so step back and act like you have somewhere else you have to be. Like the Jarhead premiere - actually, that line might not work for you.

Step 7: It's time to close the deal. I recommend the coy, 'Look, I don't usually do this but...would you like to come back to my house/hotel room/alley?". Badda bing!

Now students, use these tactics very wisely. I can't have thousands of folks running around, stealing my game all the time! Okay, you've cramped my style enough now, get outta here.

47 comments:

Prophecy Girl said...

Oh, that is BRILLIANT, britpop. He's so good at looking terribly interested in everything people say to him, isn't he? If I actually ever talked to him, I would probably melt away into nothing.

nicole said...

Is it bad that I would have jumped his bones after only Step 2?

The bottom lip bite...well, it makes my heart all a flutter, among other things. I'm powerless to resist it. It's my kryptonite.

*le sigh* Professor Jake can teach me anything.

Katie of Sweden said...

Hahahaaaa :) :) :) "on pills"... :) :) LoL

libuse said...

What is the rate for private lessons?
And has this university dumped its non-fraternizing policy? I would love to know the exact courses the professor took at Columbia.

cina said...

LMAO, Britpop!!
GOD he's cute in those pics, and that girl is so obviously smitten with him! lol
I admire her though for being able to stay on her feet. I'd be a jelly-puddle on the floor before he'd even opened his mouth....

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
HephaistionLo said...

Very cute.

And I'm with everyone on the puddle bit.

:)

Anonymous said...

Censorship! Britpopbaby you're worse than tinhat Dillon. Censoring sick.

britpopbaby said...

I would have left it up had it been an interesting, relevant or intellectual point. But lo and behold it wasn't. Call it tidying, I need to save space around here.

Anonymous said...

BORING. Running out of material? Hope you acquire some new material soon.

Is that thoughtful enough?

Anonymous said...

This man defines "charm," doesn't he? He flirts constantly -- with media people, the greater public, Oprah, dogs, random strangers, the homeless guy on the corner -- basically, with anything that can smile right back at him and reflect the contagious warmth he gives off.

You know how everyone fusses over tiny little babies? And then, as the babies grow up, and turn into quite average, homely people, they gradually stop getting everyone's attention? Well, Jake is so exceptionally attractive and engaging that he never experienced that falloff in the love directed at him. Everyone has always adored him. And he adores us all back -- or at least, he makes it look like he does, which pretty much amounts to the same thing.

britpopbaby said...

Yeah, that's great. So inspirational. You've really made me see where I've gone wrong with this post and now I'm going to go think of something soooooo good, just to please you. Any ideas?

kokodee said...

Classic!
Now we have the flirting angle covered, would you mind delving a little into the art of the famous gyllentongue-stick outs and their ability to arouse women (and men) of child bearing age?

Twisted Fate said...

Flirters attract fellow flirters, I use to think the same thing too about Kirsten, except that she tries too hard sometimes.

Do they (celebrities)get coached in some charm school or somethin'?

Anonymous said...

Lol, gyllentongue stickouts???

I am loving this blog everyday man!
Y'all on whack on something!!

gin said...

I'm with nicole on the bottom lip bite. C'mere, Jake, I'll give ya something else to nibble on. ;)

Anonymous said...

btw, shane macgowan has great teeth.
Designed to scare the panties off you!

iain'ttooproudtowearspandex said...

Great programe; Except that step 3 cannot be accomplished unless you too have the come-hither gyllenbaby blues!
I mean what could possibly replace those saucers as a hypnotic force??

winterbird said...

haha... this is sheer brilliance! now I want to know where Jake got his...
although I suspect it's a natural gift. I honestly think he has the ability to look at anyone and makes the person feels like he/she someone special.

Iain'ttooproudtowearSpandex said...

btw, check out this cute article where he interviews selma
'we spent a lot of time dryhumping each other' blair.
http://www.findarticles.com/p/articles/mi_m1285/is_10_32/ai_93211538

Karyney said...

"Can you see Uranus tonight? Can I?" - LMFAO!

Anonymous said...

Now if you want to see him looking really interested and into some woman (dont want to imply anything here), look at this:

http://german.imdb.com/gallery/granitz/1596/Events/1596/SusanSaran_Vespa_626339_400.jpg?path=pgallery&path_key=Gyllenhaal,%20Jake

Hope it works. Found this so amusing.

Anonymous said...

He looks like he wants to devour Susan Sarandon at the picture at that link, and I can't blame him.

Smurfeyshmoo said...

*le sigh* Professor Jake can teach me anything. Amen, sister. Does he have an advanced course?

cina said...

Damn! I'm officially jealous of Susan Sarandon. She's a gorgeous woman indeed, and she and Jake had great chemistry in Moonlight Mile.

Nothing Really Matters said...

I love Susan Sarandon. Moonlight Mile was great.

Anonymous said...

Heh, I'm more jealous of Dennis Hoffman since he's the one who is pulling up Jake's shirt in those same series of pics.

miffed67 said...

BORING. Running out of material? Hope you acquire some new material soon.

Is that thoughtful enough?


And isn't it interesting how you can't bring yourself to post your name? I mean....if you're going to slam people, at least have the guts to own up to it.

Sign me,
Less Than Impressed

miffed67 said...

Dang! How do I get Jake to look at me like that? I'm an older woman, too!

Besides Susan Sarandon is by all accounts happily ensconced with Tim Robbins, so she needs to back off our man...altho I absolutely *love* her!

Anyway, LOVE this britpop, too funny! I'm signing up for the course right now, who's joining me?

squallcloud said...

LOL This is superb. Speaking of despiration, Julianna DiPandi has got to be the most desperate and unprofessional of all the modelcasters. The way she shamelessly throws herself at George Clooney and in that interview at Jake is embarassing. Jake played her in that interview though. Good Jake!

Anonymous said...

Don't torment me with those links to pictures of Jake smiling and looking attentively at someone like this obscure TV interviewer or Susan Sarandon. Please don't. Or I'll start having these desperate fantasies that maybe, just maybe, Jake likes the ladies ... at least a little. I know that's insane of me, but it's a dearly held fantasy, which I am a little hesitant to share. And while I am sure that someone will be along to laugh and make fun of me shortly, because this is the Internet, after all, I can't help but confess it here, since I feel everyone's so kind, and open to hearing intimate confessions about feelings for young Mr. Gyllenhaal. It's probably all in my own mind, but I can't help myself, when I look at these pictures, and remember some of his movie roles, and how convincing he was when playing a heterosexual. And there were rumors, once, about a girlfriend. So I guess that a girl can hope.

Anonymous said...

Don't worry, Jake has had more than one GF, Kristen wasn't the only one. He dated singer Jenny Lewis before Dunst, and IMO he still is moping after Kristen. So don't let the internet fringe fans discourage you!

Silver said...

Now students, use these tactics very wisely

Too true... I used the Uranus line... in the morning... But he thought it was funny! I hope! :P

Brandon said...

OMG Shane is sexy. Who is he? I must know, and Google is just too hard for me!

jla said...

Umm...I'd be on my back for Jake as soon as he even glanced in my direction!! Does that make me easy? Maybe I'd hold out until he established eye contact ...nahhh prolly not, I was just aiming at redemption!

Anonymous said...

"Don't torment me with those links to pictures of Jake smiling and looking attentively at someone like this obscure TV interviewer or Susan Sarandon. Please don't. Or I'll start having these desperate fantasies that maybe, just maybe, Jake likes the ladies ... at least a little."


Dont make yourself uneasy. I have yet to see one picture of JG looking at a male with that kind of expression (NOTE: slightly open mouth,head in kissing position) he showed with SS. Just because some gay gossip queen makes up sad riddles (not only TT ones), without getting into mess with law and some desperate groupies, for what reason ever (as far as someone pretends to be a woman) develop tinhattism with a vengeance, pretending some laker pictures and pathetic Ted C are the only reliable sources, does not mean anything. We just dont know, and he doesnt have to tell us. Dont let yourself down because some guys are just aggressivly promoting their phantasies. Always remember, and it is something, which is in the end as understandable as your phantasy: gays want to have sex with straight men, if they find them attractive, so they will have to make up their own phantasy about them. Enjoy what you see of him and dream your dream, which is something that nobody can deny you. As long as you dont become some tinhat as them, everything will be alright.

britpopbaby said...

OMG Shane is sexy. Who is he? I must know, and Google is just too hard for me!

He's the lead singer of The Pogues. Don't you have 'Fairytale of New York' blasted at you between the months of October and January in the US?

cina said...

Fairytale of New York is by far the best Christmas song ever made!!

Raindrop said...

This is just too funny - and what a doll jakey is. YUMMY!

miffed67 said...

Umm...I'd be on my back for Jake as soon as he even glanced in my direction!! Does that make me easy?

Amen, sistah!

Anonymous said...

"Enjoy what you see of him and dream your dream, which is something that nobody can deny you."

I guess it is just the human condition, isn't it, to want something intensely? Even if it's opposed to rational thinking. And sometimes, sadly, the wires get crossed. Gay guys long for straight boys. Straight girls long for gay guys. All of us projecting some ideal being, based mostly on photographs. And somewhere in the middle of all that desire & fantasy & dreaming & projection, all those intense human needs & all that longing, there is someone named Jake ... an actual person ... who has to sell himself to a targeted demographic, as if he were a hair product or a toothpaste. And yet he is also a human being who is entitled privacy as well as to intimacy, love, sex and companionship. No wonder everyone's feelings run so high.

Anonymous said...

Very well said, anonymus above. That´s what I meant. It´s alright to dream, and everybody, straight or gay is entitled to it, as long as somewhere in a distant corner of your mind you are aware, that it´s only that: a dream. At least a lovely one for all, I hope, and no obsession.

Anonymous said...

I saw this interview and Jake completed charmed the pants off of Guilliana. He was very funny and sweet without being cheesy - he came across great.

tankergirl said...

Well, I'm surely going to keep "projecting" my fantasies on Jake. He never lets me down. And so long as I don't know him personally, and I still function at work and at home, what's the harm? If Jake is concerned about this, he should stop modeling for magazine spreads with his treasure trail beckoning me, those big eyes seducing me and his crooked smile teasing me! (Jake..DON"T STOP!)

Anonymous said...

That's cute. Made me blush.

Anonymous said...

8.28 pretending to be Jake :):):)

We want [proof] ...

mop said...

Huh? How is 8:28 pretending to be Jake?