Saturday, February 10, 2007

CELEBRITY SKIN: HOLD ME

Welcome to Jake Watch's first book review! After the clothing line and eau de toilette range, we knew this bad boy wouldn't be far behind.

We all know Hollywood is a place full of scheming, black-hearted liars who take the virtues of capitalism a step too far and are contributing greatly to the collaspe of society (Olsen twins, I'm looking in your direction). We also know that Jake has no part in this, he is pure and innocent and his only concerns are Sprinkles cupcakes, cookery shows, puggles and his sneaker collection. We got that straight? Okay, moving on...
Celebrity Skin: Fame Unlimited is the new novel by LA-based entertainment journalist Liane Bonin. It follows the story of Tinseltown starlet Taylor Christensen, who is a fictional character not at all based on anyone you may have heard of *coughnudgewinkcough*. We follow Taylor's life from the perspective of her best friend Erin; from a dorky high school kid who is merciless bullied by her peers to Hollywood A-lister who is hell-bent on self-destruction with plenty of betrayal, glamour, nutbags(!) and scandal on the way. Behind-the-scenes of the beautiful people, I'm almost too scared to look!

How much of it is based in reality? Oooo, wouldn't we kill puggles to know!! Come with me now and dip your big toe into this dark pool of showbiz shennighans. I bet it was never like this when Judy Dench was around...oh wait, she still is.

We're back in high school with head-brace wearing Taylor and Erin is visiting her house for the first time. We meet Shelia, Taylor's mother, who again is based on no-one in particular.
“She’ll work again. As soon as we straighten out those horse teeth.” Sheila was leaning in the doorway, wiping sweat from her face.
Out of the corner of my eye I could see Taylor’s spine stiffen, as if she’d been hit. Sheila reached over her shoulder and flipped back to one of the baby pictures. “That was a cute one. Never should have let those teeth come in, should have just capped them right from the get-go and called it a day. You might have gotten a series then. But blame your father. That’s from his side of the family. Maryanne, did you ask your little friend if she was hungry?”
Taylor and I both shook our heads.
“Swear to God, you have the manners of a barnyard animal. Well, if your friend gets hungry you know where the peanut butter and crackers are. But I don’t want you pigging out. Once the pounds go on, they’re hell to get off,” she said, laughing as she squeezed her thigh, which looked pretty skinny to me. I watched Sheila walk out of the room.

“Wow. Your mom was kind of harsh.”
Taylor shrugged. “She says she just wants me to get a dose of reality. Because no one ever tells the truth in this town.”
“You don’t have to be mean to tell the truth.” In what alternate reality is telling someone they have horse teeth constructive criticism?
“She says she’s helping me toughen up. It’s working great, huh?” Taylor made a face that told me it really, really wasn’t. “Are you sure you don’t want to play Uno?”


Read More...

Just to reiterate, none of this ever happened to Jake. He was always cool, he never did adverts for Lucky Charms when he was a kid, and he never wore a head brace. Got it? Of course, you already knew this having read the first part of Jake Watch: The Movie.

And now for the Jake Watch tagline:
We think she gone done wrote a book 'bout what it's really like all up in Hell-Ay (Gyllenaals excluded...and Peter Sarsgaard)!!

More Info on the first Jake Watch approved book:
Buy at Amazon.com
http://www.myspace.com/lianebonin
Taylor Christensen Blog

6 comments:

Anonymous said...

Okay, I just about died over the Jake Watch perfume!

This book looks interesting but I agree, it can in no way relate to our Jakey!

Katie said...

Where can I get my mitts on some WHIFF?

Anonymous said...

I think I know who it's about ;)

Anonymous said...

Terribly OOT: The pre-BAFTA receptions are taking place even now!!!!! I wonder if The Beautiful One is attending???? I wonder if we'll get to see wire service pictures of him??? I wonder if I'm in any ways still even a teensy bit sane??? I can only answer one of these questions with any certainty.(sigh.)

S4M985 said...

oh i love books, so u recommend this one then?! Looks interesting...

Anonymous said...

The book sounds like a good, trashy read, i'll check it out!