Friday, June 30, 2006
OMG, JAKE! YOU SO HAVE TO FRICKIN BUY ONE OF THESE!
UPDATE: No need to buy one, Jake! Because we're paupers and you're a multi-millionaire movie star we've decided to get one for you. I contacted Kevin who runs The Pure Breed Revolution: Propaganda for World Domination by Dogs and he is making you a personalised 'Boo' one. Now don't that make ya feel special? Boo Guevara!
JAKE SETS A BAD EXAMPLE TO US ALL
Thursday, June 29, 2006
LAST NIGHT'S POETRY AFFAIR
I know Ally from IHJ was there and has posted a bit on it but who else went? Shout up! We want details. Both Ally and Cantara have mentioned that Stephen was carrying our questions round in his pocket so a) he ain't finished them but b) he means too and is taking them very seriously. Ally again mentioned how he refers to us as 'the girls'. Don't y'all feel like The Waltons up in here? No mention of sons but I guess it's easier to group us all together in the squealing, feminine capacity - don't be offended you macho types.
More news as it comes...
UPDATE: An estimated 175 people in attendance and they drank Shriaz and ate brie afterwards - details are important.
Wednesday, June 28, 2006
IN MEMORY OF EVER SO SLIGHTLY BAD BOY JAKE
OFF TOPIC: WTF?
Tuesday, June 27, 2006
WHO WANTS SOME TOP NOTCH POETRY?
I wasn't even sure what poem to pick out to post here, (the Jake one would be obvious but it's at the back and I haven't got that far yet). So, I've gone for the one that Jamie Lee Curtis picked out in her introduction. Plus I'm re-reading To Kill A Mockingbird at the moment and it reminds me of that in some ways.
It's not a big thing
when the BMW pulls over
silver blue and German grace
and the Guatemalan gardener adjusts his hip
along the nearby ridge
with his leaf blower and rake
half noting the pure white man inside
with his acceptable rock music
hands shivering over eyes
weeping til the cows come home
weeping for whatever nameless loss
back and forth with his machine
sweeps the rattling leaves
along a green back of Nichols Canyon
like a priest with incense.
So, get your specs on, sip on your Earl Grey and discuss!
You can buy Claptrap; Notes from Hollywood at: http://www.authorsbookshop.com/gyllenhaalclaptrap
Get more info here:
JAKE GETS EVEN SPORTIER
"Presenters already confirmed to attend The 2006 ESPYS include Will Ferrell, Dwyane Wade, Mariah Carey, LeBron James, Ben Stiller, Ashley Judd, Greg Kinnear, Venus Williams, Jimmy Kimmel, Kiefer Sutherland, Terrell Owens, Carmen Electra and Jake Gyllenhaal."
I'm not even going to pretend I know what the ESPY's are. Thanks for finding this, miffed!
Remember to keep it short and looky at what the winner gets:
Okay, caption away:
Monday, June 26, 2006
JAKE WATCH IS GETTING DOWN TO BUSINESS
I haven't written my own religious scriptures yet but when I do that will be in there. Our dear Heath Ledger - lover of Michelle, father of Matilda, lover of Jake, occassional nemesis of britpopbaby because he agreed to be in The Patriot (only kidding, I'm totally over it and it's propaganda peddling ways) and 10 Things I Hate About You (stop turning Shakespeare plays into dumbass teen movies set in American high schools! only kidding, I'm totally over it and it's Julia Stiles peddling ways) - has a new film coming out called Candy (not to be mistaken with Hard Candy, I should think). Being an independent film it's not getting a whole lot of press so if Jake Watch can spread the word to it's dedicated army of 20 readers then it damn well shall! Up the little people!
The following words are brought to you by ~dkbb~ :
Oh, before you read that Jake Watch has some sexy new affiliates; Jake Gyllenhaal Fanlisting, The Sarsgaard Soiree (inspired by your very own Jake Watch) and Heath Ledger Central. There are also new Buttons up - if anyone wants to help make more, please let me know! Back to Heath Ledger...
Support the Movie CANDY (starring Heath Ledger & Abbie Cornish) - Join the “Addiction!”
So many of us Gyllenhaalics are also Heath Ledger fans, so I thought this blog would be a good place to get the word out about Heath’s latest film release, Candy. Candy is an independent Australian film by Neil Armfield based on the book by Luke Davies (a great read, by the way), and starring Heath Ledger, Abbie Cornish, Geoffrey Rush, Noni Hazlehurst, and Tony Martin. It is best described as a love triangle about a hero, a heroine, and heroin.
Since it is a small film with a small budget, wide release is not going to happen without a lot of public interest and support. That’s why I’m here…to ask for your support for this film. I am part of an organization called “Addicted To The Movie Candy” (ATTMC for short). We are working, mainly via the Internet, to get the word out about Candy. We have an informational web site - which includes a Release Dates calendar - (http://www.addictedtothemoviecandy.com/); a blog, an image gallery; and a forum where we discuss the movie, the book, and our ATTMC projects. The blog, gallery, and forum are all linked from the web site. (And for those of you who visit my blog – Musings on the Journey – you will also find Candy and ATTMC information there.)
ThinkFilm, the North American distributor for Candy, will consider giving the movie a wider release if they see a real interest in it. You can help prove to them that we all want to see this wonderful movie by visiting the web site and the blog, and by registering on the forum. As the number of web site and blog visitors rises, and the number of registered forum members rises, ThinkFilm will begin to understand the widespread support and desire for Candy.
Please visit ATTMC, read about the movie, the players, the projects – and join our “addiction!”
Thanks so very much to britpopbaby for her support of ATTMC (which has been linked on her “Links” page for a while now) and for allowing me to post this “guest blog entry.”
I will now step down off my soapbox and return you to your regular programming….
Humbly yours,~dkbb~ (aka Miss Moneypenny)
Sunday, June 25, 2006
EXCELLENT WORK, AGENT!
No! Surely not! This is HUGE. Regarde la evidence:
THE RETURN OF THE SUNDAY PROJECT
Today's task is to determine a final resting place for The Gyllenhaal. Wait, I worded that wrong - a permanant residence for the wandering one. From Paris to Berlin and every disco he's been in...wait again, that's a recent popular gay disco track not an accurate record of The Gyllenhaal's movements...from LA to New York and back again, often, and the many rumours about Malibu beach houses and hip New York shag pads, I'm getting a little confused and I'm sure Jake is too. So, let's help him in that difficult decision, (that many of us don't have to deal with because we don't have any damn money to move anywhere), of where to nest.
A. THE BEACH HUT.
Ah, an idyllic dream. For us! Imagine all the shots we'd get of those baby blue surf shorts if he lived here. Not to mention the midnight skinny dipping and naked beach barbeques. Plus this particular hut doesn't even look that pricey. Hell, Jake could build one himself!
B. THE CALIFORNIA HOUSE OF WHACK.
Well, I heard Jake was a fan of architecture and shit so when I saw this house I automatically thought, "Oh, good lord who would EVER want to live in that rubik's cube-esque nightmare of a house?! Maybe Jake does".
C. THE TRENDY NEW YORK APARTMENT
Okay, so I have no idea if the picture I've put up here is a trendy New York apartment block but it was the first one that showed up in Google Image Search and I couldn't be arsed to research any further. I'm not even 100% sure it's in New York but ain't it nice looking?
D. THE ENGLISH COUNTRY MANSION
A move to the Shires, you say? No, this isn't a pathetic attempt by britpopbaby to get The Gyllenhaal in the same time zone as her, she just wants the best for Jake. And she wants to imagine him dressing up as Mr Darcy and flouncing about the drawing room. If Jake also wants to take a dip in the lake and emerge from it all dripping and sultry before announcing he's going for a spot of afternoon tea then who are we to stop him?
E. THE CARDBOARD BOX
A favourite of the hobos for centuries this all inclusive, open plan box is a desirable option for the constant traveller. Jake need not forgo his wandering urges, moving from city to city, country to country, he can bring his abode along for the ride! Perfect for The Gyllenhaal World Tour I'm hoping he decides to stage soon.
Saturday, June 24, 2006
JAKE ENJOYS WORLD'S SMALLEST BOWL OF SALAD AND THEN ATTEMPTS TO HIDE FROM US
Sometimes, Jake, you confuse old britpopbaby. You've had at least two years experience of being stalked now, yet in this instance, you choose some nerdy looking Jimmy Fallon imposter to try and shield yourself from us. Quoi? Good to see Sarsy was there to whisk you off to a more secure location, hopefully involving walls and how sweet, you two are mirroring each other. Actually that's quite eerie. Eerie Indiana.
Pics from IHJ - including a woman with Gnarls-Barkley-level crazy hair.
Friday, June 23, 2006
JAKE WALKS DOWN STREET WITH A BOTTLE OF WATER...AGAIN.
I got nothing. I can't even think of a particulary witty reason why he might be smiling. Maybe he's happy that he has finally bamboozled britpopbaby with his mundane daily routine. I can't even be arsed to play 'guess what's in my bag?'. Why can't you be more like Lindsay Lohan? Sorry, I'll take that back. How about some surfing? And where is Boo-ga-loo?
Pics from IHJ
ON A SERIOUS NOTE: JAKE LOOKS LIKE SIMBA? DISCUSS.
What, still need more help envisaging it?
And before you ring my hospital and ask them to move me to a more secure unit, this wasn't actually my idea.
Thanks to Ana of Heron Productions for the cat pic and the reader who pointed out the Simba similarities. Okay, you can cart me away now.
Thursday, June 22, 2006
BRITPOPBABY ACTUALLY SPENDS A DAY AT WORK IN THE OFFICE AND LOOK WHAT JAKE GETS UP TO!
As if I wasn't suicidal enough after eight and half hours of answering phones, photocopying and making small talk with lady from Accounts and I return home to this, Mr Gyllenhaal? She'd better be a cousin. A distant cousin. And I don't like her dress althought the lady we have identified as Mrs Jake's Pal Chris looks cute. And she looks like Selma Blair. Not saying she is, I just see similarities. You know it's unfortunate that Jake was involved with Kirsten during the years he was eligible for Tiger Beat and Cosmogirl interviews because we've never got a full lowdown on his 'type'. Blonde, brunette, tall, short? Sorry, I'm rambling. I'm tired. Anyways, here is Jake the following day, taking a stroll in NYC. Why oh why do we have two bottles of water and what appears to be an airline pillow with us, Jake?
ALSO: Miffed found actual Jake news! Amazing...
His heart transplant didn't make "A Prairie Home Companion" director Robert Altman cut back on his marijuana intake - if anything, he's enjoying the ganja even more now.
"I've increased it because of my heart condition. I even have a prescription for marijuana pills," he told us when we asked him about his fondness for the illicit drug.
Thankfully, that new heart Altman got about 10 years ago came from a woman much younger than his 81 years.
Altman loved working with young Lindsay Lohan on his new flick, but he didn't mention whether he and the wild young lass partook of any illegal substances on the movie set.
Although the "M*A*S*H" director said he wants to work with La Lohan again, the young Hollywood star he most wants to rope into his new feature, "Hands on a Hard Body," filming in September, is Jake Gyllenhaal.
The name of the movie may sound tantalizing, but cool your jets, "Brokeback" fans. The flick is about folks keeping their hands on a car to try to win it in a shopping mall contest.
Altman told us he has been in talks with Jake but hasn't gotten a final answer from him yet.
It sounds shit. Don't call Jake, Altman, we'll call you.
Pics from http://iheartjake.com
Wednesday, June 21, 2006
OH GOOD GOD...
pic from IHJ
Jake is back in NY and hitting the OJ! Mmmm, it looks freshly squeezed.
How much do I want to be the waitress in that last picture? "On the specials menu today, sir, we have spicy hot sex". Honestly, I am a fully qualified waitress - it's almost my career. I also love in the first pic, Jake's Sporty Spice "Come and have a go if you think you're hard enough!". You get that British pop culture reference, don't you? You all saw The Brits Awards '97, right? It's funny. Trust me.
Seens as Jake is back in the insomniatic city I throw down the gauntlet to wtbgirl to stalk him good!
NB: The blonde girl isn't Kirsten because the Dunster is currently sporting red hair for her role where she ruins Spiderman 3 for us all. She is obviously a blantant stalker though.
Pics from IHJ
Tuesday, June 20, 2006
YOUR DAD'S CUTE BUT WOULD IT KILL YOU TO HANG OUT WITH YOUR GODFATHER?
Monday, June 19, 2006
JAKE DID NOT SPEND FATHER'S DAY AT A MEDIEVAL FAYRE. HIS LOSS.
Sunday, June 18, 2006
BENT RIM, EH?
6/17/06 - Actor Jake Gyllenhaal takes his bike to get repaired in L.A. Looks like he may have bent the rim on his tire but after a quick visit to the shop he was back in the saddle riding away into the sweltering L.A. heat.
What are you trying to do to us paparazzi picture captioning people?!
HAPPY FATHER'S DAY!
I'm posting The Sunday Project tomorrow because I'm off to a Medieval Fayre all day today - apparently there will be mead, ale and out of work actors dressed in sacks.
UPDATE: The Medieval Fayre was fucking weird. Don't ever go to one unless you really like swords and beards and Old Hooky.
Saturday, June 17, 2006
IN TRUE PRO KARAOKE SINGER STYLE, THE GYLLENHAAL GOES FOR THE POWER FIST OF GLORY
"I did it (pause) mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmy waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy"
How many exciting words were in that paragraph?
Or maybe this is another pic of him campaigning for John Kerry back in '04. I prefer my version.
Friday, June 16, 2006
ER, JAKE, WHAT DID I JUST SAY?
About flirting with other people? Oh, is this how it's gonna be now? Not about to swallow our pride and admit we were wrong? Don't worry, britpopbaby can play hard ball. Or did she just mistake you for a waiter?
(pics from iheartjake)
Thursday, June 15, 2006
THE AWESOMENESS OF ANNEKA
There may be some words in there that non-UK residents might not understand - 'cuppa' means 'cup of tea' - but go with it. And laugh. You deserve it.
Firstly, I apologise for the randomness. I was going to occupy my time today by making brownies but then discovered I didn’t have the right sized baking tin and so had to turn to TV for help. I watched Neighbours and then the MTV Movie Awards came on. And I was bored and my hand was itching – to write, not because of some rash - and I’m supposed to be finding inspiration for some poetry competition so I got my pen and pad and started writing random comments on the afore-mentioned awards. Mostly, I am missing you and hoping that you are missing me. So I thought I’d send them to you, so it can be like we’re watching TV together again. Even though we’re not. And that makes me sad. Anyway, enjoy!
My first problem – the slightly retarded Sky+ has missed the beginning of the show so I’m immediately confused. However, my awesome brainpower and powers of deduction inform me that Topher Grace, Jessica Alba and some dude I am later informed is Flavor Fave (Tim probably knows who he is) are doing a spoof of Mission Impossible III, involving a water pistol full of Topher’s urine. I’m beginning to think being a writer isn’t as difficult as it’s cracked up to be.
Jessica Alba’s head explodes. YAY!!!!!
Credits inform us that Jake Gyllenhaal will be playing “Jake”. Jake’s here? Now I’m REALLY excited.
Jessica Alba is back, unfortunately with head intact.
Brandon Routh (the new Superman) tries to beat Tom Welling(Smallville) for the most wooden Superman ever. Welling wins in a photo finish.
Our first shot of Gyllenhaal Jnr, wearing grey shirt, looking good. He laughs at Christian Bale’s (HOT!) joke about Batman being more badass than Superman. Which is totally true. Next to Jake, some random separates him from Jessica Simpson. At least, I think it’s a random, don’t yell at me if it’s someone I should know, though to me she looks like a random. Lemme know if I should know better. Anyway, Aforementioned Random looks at Jake lovingly, like “Ohmigod, we’re like, TOTALLY laughing at the same thing. We should be, like, soulmates”. This makes me think she’s a competition winner. Although knowing my luck I’m probably wrong and it’s his cousin.
Isla Fisher of ‘The Wedding Crashers’ is up for Best Breakthrough. Does ‘Home and Away’ count for nothing these days?
Obviously not as Isla Fisher wins and has to sideways crab up the steps in a hideous dress.
Colin ‘Captain Slaphead’ Farrell blatently regrets the day he agreed to star with Jamie Foxx who comes on stage yelling “WHAT UP! WHAT UP!!” And then beatboxes. Twat.
20 minutes 30 seconds
Shot of Jake doing a furrowed eyebrow laugh at Colin Farrell announcing the category as Best Fight. Not sure why. Were they ever in a fight? Bet Farrell won. He looks like a biter. And a kicker. I’m still confused about who is sitting next to Jake. Lil help?
Jamie Foxx slips up saying to Jessica Simpson “Don’t send Nick after me”. Does he not read Heat? Oh yeah, I forgot, he’s a blind musician...What do you mean he was acting?
Colin Farrell looks v. uncomfortable as Jamie Foxx puts his arm around him.
Eva Mendes and Justin Trousersnake come onstage. Jake can’t be far behind. The Voice-over man informs us that Trousersnake’s new album is called Future Sex Love Sound. One thought: WTF?
23 minutes 30 seconds
Eva and Trousersnake joke about “ranch hands who get jobs”. Give you three guesses where that went. Yup. At the mention of “ranch hand-jobs”, Jake looks a little taken aback, wriggles uncomfortably in his seat and mutters “Wow”. Twice. You’re gonna be sorry Trousersnake. You’re gonna go for a short walk down a long alley with Sarsgaard and Heath Ledger for that comment.
Trousersnake obviously realises his mistake as he has to turn around away from the camera. Or is all this homosexuality a little close to home for him…hmmmm. Jake mutters summat unintelligible and raises his hands in a “What can I do to make this gimp stop?” gesture.
In a clip of Just Friends, Anna Faris kisses her co-star (unfortunately not Ryan Reynolds – HOT!) like Lea kissed Glyn on Big Brother. I promptly lose my shredded wheat and honey. What? The dog ate all my crumpets!
25 minutes 30 seconds
Voice Over man says “Jake Gyllenhaal and Heath Ledger” in a sexy voice as we are treated to a clip from a little film you might have heard of called Brokeback Mountain. Shot of Mr Twist by a pick-up truck. Heath bombs down some stairs towards him. I wonder what’s going to happen next. There isn’t long to wait as Heath launches himself at Jake, throws him against a wall and sticks his tongue down his throat. Jake looses his hat. Phew, is it me or is it hot in here? Jen from Van der Beek’s Creek watches in horror, thinking “He’s the father of my children”. Oooh, and in real life too. What a coincidence!
25 minutes 45 seconds
Brangelina up for best kiss. That’s some cold shit.
Eva opens her envelope. There would probably be suspense if I didn’t know Jake was getting it. Trousersnake leans over her shoulder and nods in approval as he says “It’s the fellas”. Eva screeches “Jake Gyllenhaal and Heath Ledger”. Jake is leaning forward in his seat, managing to look both pleased with himself but also pissed that he has to be within two feet of Trousersnake and his preppy jumper. Jake gets up, nodding and jogs up the stairs. Who’s idea was it to put him in the front row? Genius! He finger-points and makes eyes at Trousersnake like “I gotta shake his boy-hand” (note: not a euphemism). He successfully manages to keep a lotta space between them as he shakes his boy-hand. Then in true hilarity, gives him a “Talk to the hand” and goes for Eva with ferocity, kissing her cheek. Eva hands him his popcorn. And then, in true frat boy - sorry, I meant twat boy – style, Trousersnake slaps Jake’s ass and starts clapping his own genius. Jake gives him uber-evils and mentally puts him on his list, next to Sarsgaard for the Mr Mistoffelees incident.
Jake takes his place at the podium. I’m getting images of a Presidential Jake some way in the future. Fiddling sexily with his shirt sleeves, which are rolled up, he says that he told Heath that if they didn’t get Best Kiss, it wasn’t worth it. He pauses, smiles naughtily and says “It’s worth it now” and nods sincerely, as if he’s remembering just how good Heath tasted. The Random who was sat next to him starts clapping and cheering. Now I’m thinking it could be his Mum, but she looks too young. Jessica Simpson looks uncomfortable, so maybe she is a random. Or maybe Jessica Simpson just doesn’t like all this talk of homosexuals.
Jake repeats “Yeah, it’s definitely worth it.” Everyone laughs, except Trousersnake, who laughs at least two seconds after everyone else has finished. Jake says this is a huge honour and a big deal that this kiss got voted the best. Trousersnake claps after everyone else. Except Eva Mendes who doesn’t clap at all. Is she a homophone too? She and Jessica could get together, do each other’s hair and rag on the gays.
Jake thanks me (and everyone else watching I suppose) from those struggling with love, including himself. Ooooooh. Is he giving something away? Is he gay? Does he like boys? I’m beginning to sound like Toothy Tile so I’ll stop. He’s probably just struggling with his love for britpopbaby. Or the restraining order.
Trousersnake comes up to congratulate Jake, doing the “You da man!” finger gesture. Jake blows him off. Like I needed another reason to like Jake. Now I can add “hates boy-man Trousersnake” to “funny, sexy, famous” and “American”. Trousersnake has his hand on Jake’s shoulder as they leave, Eva tagging along behind.
Jimmy Fallon starts a spoof of the Da Vinci Code with Jessica Alba. He carries off the hair better than Tom Hanks.
Andy Dick is an albino. Who knew?
Adverts. WTF is Busta Rhymes advertising? Something about a Big Bang? I’m intrigued and confused. And I probably won’t understand when it’s revealed either.
Gnarls Barkley perform “Crazy” with a Star Wars theme, including Chewbacca on the drums, a stormtrooper on bass and Darth Vader on lead vocals. I bet George Lucas is spinning in his grave...What do you mean he’s not dead?
Owen Wilson calls Kate Hudson in How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days evil. He’s not wrong.
How come Angelina isn’t up with Darth Vader and Voldemort for Best Villain? Oooooh BURN!
It appears some seagull has unfortunately shat on Hayden Christensen’s hat. Why didn’t someone tell him? We cannot see his face under his shit-covered hat. Perhaps it’s not him. I don’t know why I’m making a note of this as I don’t really care.
Famke Janssen’s dress is hideous.
49 minutes 30 seconds
Shot of Jake seeming embarrassed by Famke and Rebecca Romain threatening to get naked and paint each other. He hides his face in his hands, murmuring Heath’s name over and over again to ward of the witches.
Both Jessica Alba and Jessica Simpson are up for Sexiest Performance. Bet Jessica Simpson jumped out of her chair when she heard “Jessica” and then sat back down a bit sharpish when she heard “Alba”. Ha ha ha!
Shot of Jake in Brokeback Mountain for Best Performance. The bit where he’s wearing his hideous moustache and fighting with Heath by the river before they say goodbye forever and he gets his head smacked in. That bit is followed by a shot of Jake by the fire with some glorious mood lighting. Then a shot of Jake driving off, crying to the sounds of You and Me by Lifehouse. I feel my eyes welling up.
Kate ‘Yes, I was once English’ Beckinsale reads out Jake’s name and the crowd goes wild. Cup hands and roar softly to get this effect. Jake is chortling as he jogs up the stairs - happy to be minus the Trousersnake probably. Hugs Becks with one arm and takes the popcorn she offers him. That’s his second one of the night! He’s gonna have to loosen his belt. And remove his trousers. And the rest of his clothes.
Jake shakes the hand of Becks’ co-host Adam Sandler and is a bit surprised when Sandler goes in for a whisper/hug combo. Jake gives him a happy look. The President takes to his podium. Even Jake cannot help but admire himself as his picture is on the big screen. He gives the screen a “You da man!” finger-point. And you are Jake, you are.
Cupping his popcorn protectively, he says “This is an embarrassment of riches”. Then as he continues, tries to twist the top off his popcorn. It’s not a toy Jake, it’s an award. Treat it with the respect it deserves. He congratulates the room on being attractive – Becks and Sandler only clap when he includes his finger-points at them. He thanks me again then steps away from his presidential podium with a “What more can I say?” gesture. Sandler shakes his hand and says summat. Jake gives a “Oh, it was nothing” gesture so I’m guessing it was something like “Man, you rocked ass in that movie”. Once again, Becks trails behind the guys as they leave the stage.
Jessica Alba makes a complete fool of herself in a spoof of King Kong in which she is an estate agent trying to sell Kong a cliff house. Let’s hope Fantastic Four 2 can save her career.
Christina Aguilera combines jazz and half naked women. Who could have expected that?
Christina Aguilera gets half naked herself. We all expected that.
The random between Jake and Jessica Simpson has been replaced by a new random. Seat-filler stalking at its best.
MTV confuses me by having Will Ferrell come on pretending to be a NASCAR driver for his new film. Should have guessed they weren’t actual NASCAR drivers - his mate is sponsored by Old Spice.
Steve Carrell of The 40 Year Old Virgin thanks George Foreman for his grill in his speech.
LL Cool J comes on stage to the sound of his own song. Like it says in High Fidelity, that’s like masturbation. According to Alex, he’s also wearing clothes from his own label. Uber masturbation.
Owen Wilson bitches about Brokeback Mountain getting best kiss over him and Vince. Shot of Jake chortling away, obviously thinking “There’s no way in hell they could have won Best Kiss, so it’s pointless putting him on my list next to Trousersnake and Saarsgard”.
MTV spoils the surprise by letting me know that Jim Carrey is getting the Lifetime Rubber-Face award after the break.
Advert for Hogan Knows Best that shows Hulk Hogan eating a monkey. Again, not a euphemism.
Will Ferrell says he’d rather give a Virginity Award to a whore than a Lifetime Achievement Award to Judi Dench. He mocks our Queen, he spits on our Queen, he…what do you mean Judi Dench isn’t the Queen? Then who is?...Elizabeth who?
Jim Carrey says there’s nice looking pussy in the room. Catherine Zeta Jones – the rich, nympho man’s Imogen from Big Brother – thinks he’s talking about her. Boy is she misinformed.
Jim Carrey seems to be channelling Keanu Reeves as he has his surfer hair. And is surrounded by angels…What do you mean Keanu Reeves isn’t dead?
Carrey and some angels perform “The Happy Dance of Genitalia”. And it was good.
Samuel L. Jackson is in a film called Snakes on a Plane. Sounds like Trousersnake, after thinking up Future Sex Love Sound, was giving out advice on what to call projects. Bad advice.
Adrian Brody’s nose fills up the screen, obliterating Naomi Watts. Yeah, I don’t really care anymore either. I haven’t had a cuppa in about 110 minutes. I’m off.
Wednesday, June 14, 2006
JAKE A HOT BACHELOR? OH I NEVER KNEW!
Learn more about this revelation HERE. Thanks People magazine - I don't know where I'd be without your insightful, eye-opening lists.