Tuesday, September 12, 2006

ZUT ALORS!


That's right. The Jake Watch Daily - Hard Hitting Journalism with a Shaky Grip on Reality - have nabbed an excluisve interview with The Gyllenhaal. I know you're all eager to read it but you'll have to wait until later because I haven't actually writte...er, 'interviewed' Jake yet. But I know it's gonna be big! Like Kirstie Alley losing weight big! Actually half way between the Reveal of Suri/Second Coming of Christ and CSI:NY getting recommissioned for a third season. HELL YEAH!

52 comments:

pgcatz said...

I Love Scandal sheets. Where can I get a copy and read all about the gossip? Off the topic, but I saw Maggie on John Stewart Show, she was beautiful and she mentioned her Brother. They were touting her movie Sherry Baby. Opening at select theaters in USA. Major cities only.

cina said...

OOOOHH!! Can I get a subscription?? ;-D

Simon Agent 002 said...

I want to enter the peerage contest!

JoyceDavenport said...

Simon- you are already a Lord- a Gyllenlord! Looks like just the sort of rag...er high class intellectual deeply informative and authoritative newspaper we are so sadly short of in the UK- well done Brits- eat your heart out Rupert Murdoch!

Prophecy Girl said...

I always knew you were a druggie! And I'm concerned people are blaming McMatty for my "Wild Night with October Sky star Gyllenhaal" (which totally happened). It was most definitely my animal magnetism and nothing less. I'm pretty much irresistable.

The Bearded Lady said...

Does this paper have exclusives with hearsay quotes from 3 years ago?
Like all the best sources of news?
If not? the french fry (chips) offer sounds irresistible.

P.S.
Sorry dear, about your drug scandal,it was really just a matter of time.
Best advice through this troubling time, is to always photograph well. (tongues will wag if you don't look your best.)

bubblegirl said...

Does this mean Brit will have to go to rehab? Say hello to Mel for me! The first step is admitting you have a problem.

Simon Agent 002 said...

Illegal substances were packed with the T-shrits?...what an amateur operation...

couldn't you find a body cavity mule?

Dumbo said...

Perfect, I loved the cover BPB. I can't wait to read the "interview". I will understand if it isn't released immediately, because of the drug issues and all. PG, I believe the animal magnetism had a lot to do with it. But that "wild night" aside, McBongo is a horrible influence on Jake. Look at the evidence:

1) Jake's mysterious disappearance.
2) The no sock wearing.
3) Apparent neglect of his kids. (I mean where is Boo and Atticus, while Jake is tossing back a few brews at the game, hanging on beautiful blondes, or strutting his stuff on Martha Vineyard)?

The list goes on and on . . .

Nasty Anonymous said...

I don't believe PG was with him. I think she's just saying that to further her career.
Somebody took pictures of her at a Elvis convention, and they are dated the same time she was suppose to be with Jake.

Kendra said...

the french fry (chips) offer sounds irresistible.


I just bought the magazine for the chips! and for knowing some details about that wild night, Pg must be exhausted!

JoyceDavenport said...

^^^LOL Kendra- methinks it was Jake who was exhausted- probably needed a blood transfusion poor lamb.

Brits you know my retainer only covers the run of the mill stuff- breaches of restraining orders, copyright infringement, bailing your ass out of jail. Now major class A drug trouble (an area I have a lot of experience of ;-)attracts a somewhat larger fee- so how many nights with the Sex is it worth to ya?

Anonymous said...

bratpop you are a slut of the hghest order.

Prophecy Girl said...

*gasp* nasty anonymous, no one was supposed to know about that convention! Who am I not paying around here?!

Anonymous said...

a fucking slag
more like

Prophecy Girl said...

Anons 3:05, you most definitely just gave something away...

Even Nastier Anonymous said...

PG I heard your teeth are crooked, and your breasts are photo enhanced.
and you never really loved Jake....

it had to be said I'm sorry.

heddaparsons said...

3:05 Who the hell pissed in your coffee??
Thanks for this post Brit, I had a really bad day yesterday and I was not looking forward to going to work today, but this made me laugh!!

Amerika Bound said...

Oh the anon's with the insults safe behind computer screens and nondescript aliases..

*rolls eyes*

JoyceDavenport said...

OK- called some of this on the last thread- but agents we are slipping- major paparazzi bingo action going on these past couple of days! Calling the 'coffee'and 'Austin' squares, and McMatty from the ballgame pics.

*Joyce smiles cheesy grin*

Anonymous said...

OK, what the hell happened now that THEY are posting this crap here??

Half Wrong facts Anonymous said...

I read some where and I forget the which interview that PG and Britpopbaby were lovers...
Britpopbaby said to a friend, who told my hairdresser's sister... quote "I can't keep my hands off of Prophecy Girl , she's the best sex I ever had!"

Anonymous said...

Speaking of Paparazzi bingo, was the box for Jake's Mom filled? I thought his parents were on it as well??

Prophecy Girl said...

Lies, even nastier anonymous! Lies! (Maybe not the photo enhancement part.)

Erm, maybe not lies, half wrong facts anonymous! I can say no more. But I assure you Jake and I are deeply in love. *whispers* Just don't tell brits!

*normal voice* By the way, Joyce, good call on the bingo! We have been slipping, it seems.

Anonymous said...

A troll is trying a really obvious wind-up, best to ignore.

JD, well remembered about the bingo! I thought Frank the rabbit would turn up before Austin.

Cynical Anonymous said...

Prophecy Girl, I don't believe you. and I don't think you are the real Prophecy Girl.
Your publist said "no comment" when asked about your love life.
And here you are denying it...you can't be her.

Sorry it had to be said.

Anonymous said...

Oh, my God, what have you done BPB? All the nasty secrets are going to tumble out of the closet, no one is going to be safe around here. TBL must have garnered quite a few scandalous liaisons in her many years, and what terrible secrets might Simon or Joyce be hiding? BTW, PG, I can recommend a good dentist if you ever need one.

nice anonymous said...

I'm crushed. Disappointed almost beyond words. There's no alien abduction story in this issue. I ask you: What is a trashy tabloid without a first-person account of someone undergoing an anal probe administered by bug-eyed extraterrestrials in Roswell, New Mexico? Also, there needs to be an ancient Mayan weight loss secret. And an accusation of near-death anorexia or a dramatic, piggish weight gain flung at some unfortunate celebrity.

I await further issues with great eagerness. I'm looking for stories like:

The Jake Diet: How I Lost 20 Pounds in Three Days Just By Refusing All Meals While Reading JakeWatch

Jake Gains Weight, Needs Movie Role Soon -- right next to:
Jake Is Wasting Away From Overtraining

Jake Is Abducted by Confused Aliens Because of His Enormous Eyeballs

My Tumor Shrunk to Nothing After I Placed a Picture From Brokeback Mountain Upon It

beskyddaren said...

LOL, Brit, the "interview", it's going to be HUGE for sure... Great job with the tabloid cover!

Simon Agent 002 said...

@3:22 "A troll is trying a really obvious wind-up, best to ignore."

I agree best just to ignore them...don't encourage their behavior.

cina said...

@ nice anon: LMFAO!! :-D

nice anonymous said...

Other stories:

Boo Radley Acts Out -- Pees on Jake's 2,202nd Pair of Nikes -- Says He Can't Stand Being Without Sexy Brokeback Star: 'You Don't Know How Hard It Gets'

Atticus Filled With Disdain: 'Now Boo Knows What It's Like'

Prophecy Girl said...

*sigh* I might as well tell the truth. The key words in the headline are "October Sky." We were both teenagers. We drank Kool-Aid until we got really hyper and then stayed up past midnight playing Super Mario Bros. That was our wild night. My publicist thought it would be a good idea to play it up. I'm so ashamed!

Boo acting out, though? I KNOW that's true.

britpopbaby said...

Yay! Somebody I don't know called me a nasty slut! Unless it's...Matt? Is that you? Or is it Dad?

How were the free chips?

Damn! Someone busted our hot steamy lesbian affair PG!! What can I say? I just can't resist a firey redhead.

Joyce - don't worry, I can pay you, I swear! I made a tonne from pirating custard creams across the seven seas last April!!

Anonymous said...

Nice anon, it's a scandal itself that you wouldn't recruited to write for this paper. Does BPB expect some backhander just to employ what must be the most talented investigative journalist ever?

nice anonymous said...

Take your pick from these, according to your interests:

Jake Comes Out: Half His Fans Ascend to Heaven in Rapture
Then Rush to Internet to Taunt the Other Half

Jake's Mystery Blonde Revealed: Half His Fans Call Her a Slut
Then Rush to Internet to Taunt the Other Half

Related Story: Kirsten Dunst Collapses, Is Hospitalized for 'Exhaustion'

Secret FBI Reports Reveal: Bush Administration Wanted to Send All the Gyllenhaals to Guantanamo

JoyceDavenport said...

^^^ Jake Is Abducted by Confused Aliens Because of His Enormous Eyeballs
My Tumor Shrunk to Nothing After I Placed a Picture From Brokeback Mountain Upon It


LOL Nice Anon.

BTW the Jake Watch diet is in full swing missed lunch completely today.

Anon 3.37 If all my secrets came out Britpops major drug troubles would be the least of it- all them things you don't know if you should find out...

PG- ah- but was the Kool- Aid electric? (anyone who gets that esoteric reference knows I'm not kidding about all them things you don't know...

Anon 3.21 Possible call on Jake's mom- the square actually has both parents- depends how bitch..er generous Britpop is feeling.

JoyceDavenport said...

Britpop- money?

I expect far better recompense than mere cash. OK- I'll settle for one night with The Sex on account and we'll see how things go once the trial is in full swing-we can negotiate my 'refreshers' as things progress. I warn you if it gets tough I'll want him waiting back at the hotel every night smelling of soap and nothing else - you want me on top form don't you? after all your liberty could depend on it...

Anonymous said...

Can we use any of the Martha's Vineyard poetry reading pictures? I think Frank the Rabbit was in Carly Simon's store that night. He likes poetry.

Prophecy Girl said...

Joyce, Ken Kesey may have made an appearance; in all honesty, it's a bit fuzzy...and neon.

And because I for some reason haven't mentioned this yet, I can't WAIT to see Maggie on The Daily Show rerun tonight!!!!!

Now, I'm going to go away because I've posted a record number of comments on this thread and I really should be filling out other people's annuity applications. Ah, sweet reality!

britpopbaby said...

I'm feeling nice today because I had a headache and then took way too many paracetmols. I may die.

I will cross off 'Parental Type' from Pap Bingo.

When I get around to updating the BLOG stuff the Pap Bingo will go under 'Projects' so we can all keep an eye on it.

Simon Agent 002 said...

I'm not telling anything about a certain late night flight to the West Coast with a up comming A-lister...
I won't confirm or deny any of it.
Nor, will I say it occur before the liquids ban.

I'm not the kind to kiss and tell... but it sure does pay to be a frequent flier. ;)

phoebe said...

nice anon - your stories are BRILLIANT! LMAO!

So, yeah, where do you subscribe?!

cina said...

Oh Simon you're such a tease! ;-)

Nothing Really Matters said...

LOL! What another great idea brits!

Anonymous said...

BPB in leather, holding a rope? No, if she got caught for something, it wouldn't be drug.

Nothing Really Matters said...

Brits you look hot!

kokodee said...

Loving your stories nice anon!
I've never laughed so hard in my life

Anonymous said...

I think we should demand that nice anonymous be made headline writer for this paper.

mpom said...

I was in such a rush this AM that I could not check you all out here on Jakewatch before going to work. Upon comng home I find that things are beyond cazy, as usual. I am laughing so hard I may not be able to sleep tonight.

Sarah G said...

Look, I know the Gyllenhaal doesn't answer fanmail. And he may never forgive Prophecy Girl for that scandalous report she gave, cuz that was supposed to be a secret. But we got an interview by Poppa.....I think it would be SO cool if we could interview Jake. Even if it's just like, 2 questions. I'm sure his answers would be much more interesting than Daddy's. Oh, and while we're at it -- er, YOU'RE at it Britpop, I'm too busy doing, uh, important things....we could get Maggie too! Yesterday I had this fight with an old lady in a grocery store who clicked her tounge at that pic of Maggie in the Marie Claire mag and went, "I don't know why she is so popular. The girl isn't even pretty!" Im like, whoa, dont go there, Ypur Oldness, she is GORGEY! If you do, tell her she was amazing in both WTC, and my personal fave, Monster House.
<3

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