Sunday, August 27, 2006

THE DAY AFTER OR MAYBE BEFORE BRITPOPBABY'S NERVOUS BREAKDOWN

Part trois of Anneka's most amazing review. I hear TWOP a callin'. If only she'd learn to use Blogger then she could post these her damn self.

After the furor, paranoia, unfounded accusations and general hysteria that the word 'Ugly Git' managed to cause last time I was going to trawl through all 18 pages of the review and change the offending appellation to 'Austy-poo' but then I thought no, why the fuck should I, plus I really couldn't be arsed. Plus the name 'Austy-poo' makes me throw up a little in my mouth. Plus I have better things to do with my time like repeatedly bang my head against the cell wall.

If you need me I'll be out the back making lobster thermidor. Please address all official complaints to killmenow@jakewatch.com.

........................................
DQ and his boss are trying to tell Vice Prez about the end of the world but true to form he doesn’t want to know. DQ urges him to evacuate the northern states, suggesting they use Disneyland as bait.

Jake and Co. are at the Natural History Museum where Ugly is obviously hoping to woo Emmy and do it behind a stuffed bison. Jake puts him in his place with a line about it being the world’s finest collection of stuffed animals. See it while you can boys, the world’s ending the day after tomorrow. Hey, that sounds like a good title for a film! SOH spots a mammoth that froze solid mid-chew. How interesting. Where’s the gift shop?

Back in snowy Scotland, Bilbo, Sexy and Stupid are snowed in. And yet their TV reception is crystal clear. Bilbo is remaining chipper, informing his colleagues that they have enough tea and biscuits to sink a ship. Man, if I wasn’t waiting for Jake, I’d give you my heart Tea and Biscuits. Bilbo also makes a joke about the loo backing up which they find very amusing. Call me weird but I imagine if I was up to my ankles in sewage, the last thing I’d be doing is laughing. Or maybe dancing is that last thing I’d be doing. Despite the joke, they all look a bit worried. They should be.

Some helicopters have been sent to pick up the Royal family. However, their fuel lines freeze (the helicopters, not the Royal family) and one by one, they drop out of the sky, pilots yelling very Britishly at the “golly-gosh bastard engines”. One pilot opens the door after crashing, and like the mammoth before him freezes solid before he has time to say “By Jove”. Royal family are therefore doomed. Oo, like Louis XVI in 18th Century France. Long live parliamentary democracy! "Libert√©, egalit√©, fraternit√©, ou la mort!"

Bilbo is on the phone to DQ telling him the confidential news about the helicopters. If it’s confidential, who decided Bilbo needed to know? “Yes, tell the immediate family, the Prime Minister and the guy who monitors buoys up in Scotland.” The helicopters crashed because the temperature dropped to minus 150°F, they had to look it up. Should have asked Jake – he’s on the school quiz team. Bilbo doesn’t have enough RAM (oo, missus!) to run his data so he sends it to DQ, the son he never had. And didn’t want.

Back in New York, it’s still pissing down. The doorman at Ugly’s apartment says “Terrible weather”. What an informed doorman he is. Ugly’s apartment is okay, if you like that Upper East Side millionaire look. Emmy’s nosing at a photo of Ugly’s brother. Christ, she moves fast. SOH says it’s been raining for three days. Ever been to Britain, mate? That’s summer.

Jake is watching the news and sees that all the muggle platforms are flooded. No word on 9 and three quarters. Looks like the train is a no-go. Smiling smugly, told him so. As the news is predicating the end of the world, Ugly decides he better go and pick up his brother in Philly and invites the Super-Nerds along. Yay! ROAD TRIP! SOH is disturbed about walking to the car. What, do nerds melt in the rain? Lights flicker. Jake says they should take the stairs. As they start to complain, the electric goes off. If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a hundred times people: listen to Jake! He’s really on a mission as he heads outside to find the street flooded. Emmy suggests staying inside. Ooooh, Jake, you could snuggle up on the rug before the fire and make the beast with two backs. But no, he wants to go home.

Shit! The CGI wolves have escaped from the zoo! I’m sure that won’t come back to bite someone in the ass. Or the leg. At work, Movie Mom sees the news about where her little bitty boy is staying and starts to panic. In New York, a homeless man steals some hot dogs. Man, that city is going downhill fast. Homeless man goes into the library but is immediately thrown out because of his dog. That’s a bit more like it, let’s have some order here. Three stroppy businessmen commandeer a bus, one of whom offers the 2nd best line of the film next to “We’ve hit a critical desalinisation point” – “Oh God I love buses. This is just so much fun. This is gonna be the bomb.”

Emmy, SOH and Ugly want to go back to the apartment but Jake wants to get higher. Not a time for mind-altering substances, you need to be alert. He suggests the library. Ahhh, yes. The place where the nerd feels most at home. Except a comic book convention. A picture of which I just happen to have here.

Luckily my face is blurry and shouldn’t permit autograph hunters to affect my everyday life. A woman and daughter speaking French are trapped in a taxi as the Super-Nerds head for the library. Emmy manages to cut her leg on a bit of taxi but upon hearing someone French in peril, she flies to the rescue. Avoiding the most fundamental rule a child can learn next to don’t eat things off the floor – always tell someone where you’re going!

Out at sea, a tidal wave washes over Lady Liberty towards the city. People are clambering to get in the library. Bet the librarians are wetting their knickers at the sight of so many users. And Jake, just a thought, but there are quite a few taller buildings than the library in New York. Jake suddenly realises there is no Emmy. And definitely no Oscar.

The wave comes inland. For the love of Billy Baldwin, do something Jake! French people have been rescued but have left their bag in the cab. Always check a cab before you get out people! Emmy trips back to get it, unaware of the wall of water right in front of her.

For a Super-Nerd, she really has no spacial awareness. Jake looks on, obviously distraught at the peril of the French bag. Emmy takes her time bag-hunting so Jake has to come to the rescue, hurtling down the steps, into the water, over a taxi. SOH tries to go after him but Ugly pulls him back. Didn’t know you cared Ugly. Perhaps while Emmy and Jake are bunking up, SOH will let you try on his glasses.

Jake points out massive wave and true to disaster movie form, Emmy gapes. Homeless man runs inside the library, carrying dog. Why do dogs always survive disaster movies? Remember that golden retriever in Independence Day? Ugly drags SOH indoors as the wave comes ever closer. Jake legs it up the stairs and he and Emmy are the last ones through the revolving doors. Everyone else, glug, glug, glug I’m afraid. By some miracle, Jake and Emmy are up another flight of stairs before Jake looks back to see water breaking the windows. Clean-up crew to foyer. Bring scuba equipment and a mop.

After all that excitement, it’s back to Scotland. DQ calls to explain that super-cold hurricanes froze the helicopters. Also that this storm will cover the globe, marking the beginning of a new ice age. Couldn’t you have just called to say “I love you” DQ? Everyone looks suitably gutted, except Stupid who just looks confused. DQ feels the need to speak privately to Bilbo, telling him it’s time to go. Bilbo explains the last bus has gone but unselfishly has time to say “Save as many as you can” before the phone cuts out. That’s a good bit. We’ll use that in the trailer. While DQ is looking pensive, Old Guy tells him something’s happened in New York. Bit of an understatement as we cut to New York being mostly underwater.

In the library, Emmy thanks Jake for his rescue efforts. Jake goes all awww shucks, probably thinking that now they can shack up. There’s some awkward silence then Emmy goes to return the bag that caused all this mess in the first place. I hope she took some money from their wallets as a reward. Ugly tells Jake to tell Emmy how he feels. Then Ugly tells Jake how he feels…oh wait, wrong film…oh wait, that’s not even a film. Ugly can’t get through to his brother ’cos there’s no service. By the way, this is the last we hear about Ugly’s brother so goodness knows what happens to him. Jake has an idea and hotfoots it to an information desk where the librarian has not abandoned her post even in this time of crisis. Maybe I’m not cut out to be a librarian after all. Jake’s after a payphone. They’re underwater but that won’t stop our Jake. He explains to Emmy that old payphones draw their power from underground lines. See, this is why he’s on the quiz team, ’cos he knows shit like that.

DQ meets Movie Mom who’s been crying about the watery fate of Jake. Davy Jones’s Locker? Don’t worry love, I have a feeling you’re about to get a phone-call from your deliciously handsome son. Jake and Emmy reach the payphones which look like they're installed in Hugh Hefner's grotto except minus bunnies. Jake throws himself in and makes cold noises.

DQ and Movie Mom are drinking coffee and discussing why DQ is a bad father – he’s always at work when Jake has his picture taken. Yeah, but his job’s going to end up saving the world so it’ll have been worth it. DQ utters my next favourite line of the movie: “One more Daddy”, his voice breaking slightly at the thought of a baby Jake having a piggy-back ride. I laugh heartily. Old Guy Who Croaks before The End rushes in to tell them Jake’s on the phone. Told ya. Movie Mom utters another great line – “It’s Mom. I’m so happy you’re okay.” Jake judiciously ignores this stupidity and sensibly asks them to call Emmy and SOH’s parents. Not that they have the same parents…you get the idea. Jake hilariously loses his footing and falls into the icy water. Everyone starts panicking but he’s an excellent swimmer and pops right back up like a lilo. DQ explains about the super cold hurricanes, tells him to stay indoors and start fires. Parent of the Year Award goes to…DQ also says he’ll come for Jake, as anyone in their right or even wrong mind would.

Meanwhile the water has been rising and Jake’s properly underwater. Emmy’s wetting herself as she loses sight of him then wets herself again when he pops back up. Well, at least one of them’s warm. She pulls him out and gives his shivering body a hug, thinking now we get to play Doctors and Nurses. Despite being near hypothermia, Jake smiles. It’s really cute.

Hugging Movie Mom, DQ asks where the artic gear is. Wherever you put it DQ, you had it last. Old Guy Who Croaks Before The End says you can’t do it and asks Movie Mom to tell him, but she, like us is only concerned with the safety of Jake and so doesn’t.

Emmy’s hunting through coats. Thought this was a library, not Marks and Sparks. She heads back to Jake who’s getting naked. Yes, this is the money shot boys and girls! Emmy spoils our fun by throwing a coat over him and clutching him to her bosom.

BACK OFF EMMY! I mean, I like you and everything but you’re going a bit too far. Jake is freaked out by Emmy’s behaviour but she cleverly disguises her horniness with medical mumbo-jumbo, saying his heart could stop if she doesn’t hug him. Yeah right sister, step away from my mister! Paradoxically, my heart would stop if I were to hug Jake. Wet Jake is even sexier than un-wet Jake – he gets all stuttery and needs help standing up ‘cos he’s all weak and feeble. He should almost drown in more films. Jake, I order you to remake Titanic, Jaws and Hard Rain. I’ll think of some more later. Emmy asks how he’s feeling. Jake grins and thinks it’s probably a good thing Little Jake is too cold to function or Emmy would know exactly how he’s feeling.

Emmy is pretending she’s a 19th century Russian gypsy by wearing lots of clothes at once. Unlike this one.
She’s found a radio (Emmy, not Kirsten Dunst- she needs to find some trousers) which SOH immediately confiscates to see if he can contact his HAM radio buddies. Just found out thanks to subtitles that Homeless Man’s dog is called Buddha. Takes all sorts I suppose. There’s a grinding metal noise and when people go to investigate they see a big ass tanker floating down the street. Isn’t that a sign of the apocalypse along with film projects combining Lindsay Lohan and McFly?

DQ has gone up in the world as he’s now explaining the current disaster to the Prez himself. The Prez looks as if he doesn’t understand the term ‘ice age’ or 'disaster'. DQ suggests a mass migration to Mexico. Yay! Tequilas all round - Prez is buying. DQ’s boss gives Vice Prez a talking-to for not listening when it could have made a difference. DQ draws a line across the map, presumably to show Prez which is North and which is South. DQ says we have to abandon the North – fine by me, I live in the South – as they will freeze a la helicopter pilot if they go out. DQ leaves meeting to go and rescue Jake. Well, you gotta get your priorities right - rest of the world or Jake - it's an easy choice.

Vice Prez is still bitching, saying DQ only ‘thinks’ the climate is changing. Hello? Have you not been watching this movie? Luckily, everyone else sticks up for DQ. DQ’s boss gives him a second talking-to for not listening before. Vice Prez bitches about DQ being safe in Washington, apart from all the street crime of course. DQ’s boss informs him that DQ’s son – Jake – is in Manhattan. Holy shit! Prez, summon the army, navy, air force and get Jake outta there! He’s so cold…Everyone is suitably stunned by Jake’s position of mortal peril and the Prez decides to follow DQ’s plan. As soon as he’s looked up ‘evacuate’ in the dictionary. And Mexico on a map.

In Scotland the snow is coming down and Bilbo’s generator is almost out of fuel. Sexy suggests running it on booze but Bilbo tells him not to be so stupid and gets out some glasses. So instead of staying alive a bit longer, they’re gonna get shit-faced and celebrate the end of the world. That's almost as good a plan as rescuing Jake. Almost. Stupid comes up trumps again by using his last breath to toast Man United. Tit. Sexy is grieving for his lost time with his son when the generator dies. I begin grieving for my lost time with Sexy.

In New York where the Super-Nerds ponder their fate, the rain has turned to snow and ice. SOH is fiddling with the radio and refuses help, arguing that he is in every nerd club going, except the stamp collecting club because there’s only one member in that club – my Dad. He gets them sent by Royal Mail and won’t let us look at them. Jake smiles at SOH’s nerdiness, forgetting for a minute that he is friends with this loser.

Outside, Homeless Man is trying to get his dog to do his business. Why go outside, it’s the end of the world, he may as well shit in the geography section of the New York Public Library. Homeless Man sees people walking through the snow and comes to spread the joy. A guy who looks like a school crossing patrol man takes charge and asks who has a signal on their phone. Someone says she got through to her cousin in Memphis an hour ago and they’re being evacuated. And you decided to sit on this important info for an hour? Crossing Guard decides they need to go too. Jake says to his small band of Super-Nerds that they should stay put. Emmy gives him a kick up the ass and he tells School Crossing they’re making a mistake. School Crossing tells him not to be a pussy - School Crossing Patrolmen see carnage everyday. And Jake’s not a pussy. Jake does the always amusing talk too loud and informs everyone they’re going to die. There’s a quick question and answer session where people are informed about DQ’s position as a government climatologist and that they should stay inside. School Crossing says there’s no food – eat the dog – and ignoring Jake, sends everyone outside to their deaths. Jake does his best arguing with everyone a la Tom Cruise in A Few Good Men and then resorts to rather embarrassing begging but to no avail. All that remain now are the ever faithful Super-Nerds, Homeless Man plus Buddha, the librarians who would never abandon their posts, the French, and Cell-Phone girl who called her cousin. Jake watches the others go and his little heart breaks.

At Movie Mom’s hospital, they’re busy evacuating. Movie Mom and DQ are confessing their love for each other before he sets off for New York. She says to tell Jake she loves him. Me too! Me too! While musing, Movie Mom is told they can’t contact bald Peter’s parents. Oh dear. Like the little guy wasn’t getting shat on from above enough already.

Back in his fetching yellow snowsuit, DQ is preparing for the trip when old Guy Who Croaks Before The End shows up, tells him he’s been watching his back for years and says he’s coming too. DQ says “All these years, I thought I was watching your back.”. Please insert own joke, maybe involving broken backs and mountains, here. New Guy also decides he’s coming, making some unfunny joke about navigating. Yeah, it’s all fun and games until some old guy croaks before the end. Pretty Asian Lady is sensible and stays put. New Guy sticks his head out the window as they pull off to look longingly at her. Pretty Asian Lady shudders. I can’t tell if it’s the cold, or the constant efforts by New Guy to kindle romance.

Mexico has closed the borders but that won’t stop them immigrants and they cross the Rio Grande, which doesn’t look so grande, to have Tequila and get their pictures taken with painted horses.

The Super-Nerds are holding up in the one public library with a fireplace.

Jake looks impressed, grabs some books and flings them in. The librarian is suitably shocked by this behaviour but Jake asks her what she thought they were going to burn? How about the librarian, her acting’s pretty wooden. Ba-boom-boom, chush. The librarians spaz out but Jake shuts them up with a well-placed “You wanna freeze to death?”. Some people go off to get more books. Jake asks where the cafeteria is. See, he is Brad Pitt from Ocean’s 11! The librarian says they only have vending machines. She says vending machines like they are the work of the devil.

Oooh, Jake’s gone all teenage vigilante as he bashes a vending machine with a fire extinguisher. My heart rate rises a little. I’ve always had a bit of a soft spot for criminals – that bald guy in Prison Break, the one who likes Hank Williams in The Shawshank Redemption, those ENRON guys. They empty the goodies into Emmy’s 19th century shawl. Yay! Crisps, sweets, coke. One word – SLEEPOVER! Emmy can do Jake’s hair and Ugly and SOH can swap girly stories about first kisses. Homeless Man suggests they try the bin for food. Such typical homeless man behaviour. No-one volunteers. Meanwhile, Male Librarian, Cell-Phone Girl and SOH are gathering books. Librarian says you can’t burn Friedrich Nietzsche. Ohmigod, you totally can. That man took away a year of my life at A-Level. SOH cheerfully announces he’s burning the tax law section. A red light goes on at the IRS office.

..............................

108 comments:

cina said...

Emmy asks how he’s feeling. Jake grins and thinks it’s probably a good thing Little Jake is too cold to function or Emmy would know exactly how he’s feeling.

LMAO! Can I just kick Emmy out of that picture and insert myself there instead? Jake is so deliciously sexy when he's all wet and cold and shivering. Just like in the Jarhead Diaries after they have filmed a scene early in the morning in the rain. Jake's all wet and shivering and tired... ahhh. Too much hotness to handle!!

Once again a great review Anneka! Would have loved to see the pic of you outside the NY library, but I guess we'll have to do without it thanks to clumsy Brits.. ;-)

Can't wait to read about Jakey poo being chased by the CGI wolves and swapping saliva with Emmy...

kokodee said...

She heads back to Jake who’s getting naked. Yes, this is the money shot boys and girls! Emmy spoils our fun by throwing a coat over him and clutching him to her bosom.

And I threw something at the TV in response. I mean, I get to sit through all the drama and that one gratuitios shot is ruined by that ugly coat?

muffin said...

Excellent job, Anneka...the laughs per para ratio are way high!!!

Anonymous said...

LMAO!! HYSTERICAL - as usual!! My favourite parts:

Everyone else, glug, glug, glug I’m afraid.

Oh dear. Like the little guy wasn’t getting shat on from above enough already.


I'm crying of laughter!

Can't wait for the rest, hope this becomes a regular feature of the blog!

Linna said...

Sorry, that was me... (4.42) Got all occupied with the html...

Danyelle Dillon said...

Oh, come on, Brit. You know you love the name Austy-poo. Admit it. Say it two times then swill some gin. There, feels good, doesn't it?

Austy-poo is the tongue fashion of the millenium. Start wearing it and every one will want one in Britain. It's the least you could do for calling him an Ugly Git; well not you but...whatever.

kokodee said...

So you do come to this blog then?
Who would have guessed?

Anonymous said...

Dany, I know nothing is happening and you are dissapointed but please, what is your obsession with this blog??

PS:It seems that Jake left Ny to return to MV wit CHRIS FISCHER, LOL!!! Say that name ansd swill down some gin.

britpopbaby said...

Aah, DD always visits us and I have the IP addresses to prove it! Only kidding...

Still trying to find those pics Anneka sent me - I remember them clearly - it was her with a big library in the background but no Jake.

cina said...

I'm not convinced it's really danyelle, but if it is - Get a life will you?

If it isn't danyelle, quit using her name to write your posts here. That's just wrong.

britpopbaby said...

Don't worry, someone is just having some fun. It made me laugh! Although I can't agree I see 'Austy-poo' catching on.

kokodee said...

So about the pics of anneka-in-front-of some-library.
Was that in NY, or dreary Wales?

Nothing against the welsh, you know i love charlotte and shirley bassey is my guardian angel.

kokodee said...

I meant was that really in NY, sorry!

britpopbaby said...

No, it was actually the New York Public Library. She was there three weeks ago.

The Bearded Lady said...

Well my experience with poo is once you step in some, it's hard to scrap off your shoes.

heddaparsons said...

Hey Brit! If you are looking for pictures of the NY Public Library maybe I can send them to you since I work there!! The last time I took pictures in fron was when my niece is visiting, as you can imagine since I work there I really have no need to pose in front of my place of employment, LOL!! They filmed most of this film on the weekend as to not to disturb thestaff so i wasn't around but I do remember Jake on the steps doing the PR for it, sigh.

m said...

when I was in NY earlier this year I made a SPECIAL trip to the library to see where the tax books were burned in TDAT ... and was bitterly disappointed to find it was closed for some function.

Simon Agent 002 said...

To me New York Public Library will always be synomonous with those scenes from "Breakfast at Tiffany's"

Didn't they do a restoration of the interior in more recent years?

Prophecy Girl said...

m, that sucks!

I personally refuse to call anyone a pet name that ends in "poo." If someone did that to me, I would probably slap them.

GREAT Part 3, Anneka, as usual! I agree with brits, in that I hear TWOP calling. You work a perfect level of snark. Can't WAIT for the "I joined it because of you" Jake line. It makes me all giggly and girly even though it's really, really dumb.

heddaparsons said...

7:23AM Yes they did, the main reading room.

nice anonymous said...

Anneka, near as I can make out, these are the rules about Austin: Even if Austin does nothing for you, and you don't find him particularly attractive, because of facial proportions or something, you are supposed to deny your intimate, visceral reaction & **pretend** that you find him attractive. If you don't self-censor, you run the risk of offending someone deeply & you will be accused of harboring homophobic feelings. Now, just to be clear .... You're allowed to say that you don't find Kirsten Dunst or Angelina Jolie or Anne Hathaway or Naomi Foner Gyllenhaal attractive ... because, yucky, they're girls, and misogynism is perfectly okay ... but you are simply not allowed to diss Austin, because that would be evidence of your preposterously biased views.

As compensation, for some reason, it seems you are indeed allowed to call Chris Fischer or Matthew McBongo or Lance Armstrong unattractive ... but, from the entire male spectrum of the human race, this permissiveness doesn't extend to Austin.

Got it now? ;-)

Simon Agent 002 said...

I have my middle name after a Winnie the Pooh character...but thats a whole different poo, Pooh vs. Poo

Nice Anonymous,
Excellent analysis of the situation.
But I'm sure you would agree that's poo too!

Boo.... on the other hand still remains uncontroversial.

kokodee said...

Lol! nice anon. Very funny.

Boo.... on the other hand still remains uncontroversial

Poor atticus hardly ever gets the attention, controversial or otherwise

Anonymous said...

No, nice anon -- these are the real WFT rules.

Austy-poo is what Ted Casablanca would call Austin if he talked directly about him. He talks about Jakey-poo, hence Austy-poo.

You are allowed to say anything you like about anyone else, but it tends not to get too nasty and is most definitely not misogynistic.

(Okay, it can get nasty about McBongo and Lance, but Chris is Jake's best friend and WFT likes him for that).

Anything vile is the work of the main WFT troll -- who calls herself a huge fan of Jake Watch, though I don't see her around here.

The rules of Jake sites other than WFT seem to be, everyone's fine except Austin. I can't think why.
Hence WFT's protectiveness about Austin.

cina said...

I like to call Jake "jakey poo"...

Simon Agent 002 said...

"Poor atticus hardly ever gets the attention, controversial or otherwise"

Oh I knew too!...it wouldn't be long before the "Atticus" guilt trip would rear it's ugly head....
Atticus is so mature he doesn't require the approval of others...

Anonymous said...

8:02AM Go away, we don't care.

PS: JAKE IS IN MV WITH CHRIS FISCHER. HE IS LEADING JAKE AROUND BY THE NOSE I HEAR. Now go chew on that.

kokodee said...

The rules of Jake sites other than WFT seem to be, everyone's fine except Austin. I can't think why.

Did you miss the two links to none other than his 'poo-ness' on the side-bar?
Thought so.
Atticus is so mature he doesn't require the approval of others...

We can only pray that all this attention deficiency dosen't turn him into a typical hollywood rich poodle brat. Unlike some. *cough* tinkerbell *cough*

Simon Agent 002 said...

Chris?. "I say take me to your leader"

Who's with Boo?...
Will we hear stories about him smoking and drinking it up in the clubs?
With the female doggies?
Does Boo wag to Madonna too?

Atticus must play chaperone to all Boo's jetset nightlife. He keeps his name out of the press.

nice anonymous said...

Just like that flirtatious Lap Girl in the People Online report, Boo looks very likely to jump up onto furniture & try to climb onto Jake's lap. And I'll bet that Boo doesn't realize thta he's long since grown out of the lapdog size. Nor does he consider that a moment of poorly judged paw placement could leave Jake squeaking like a soprano for a good quarter hour.

As for Atticus, don't be fooled like that noble, narrow-muzzled German shepherd expression. Atticus has taken & continues to take extreme physical liberties with The Sex. I've even seen a photo of him sprawled on top of Jake while his master was lounging poolside in a chaise lounge. If any human being -- male or female -- had been positioned atop Jake exactly in that manner, that would have been the Gyllenhaal Papparazzi Money Shot of the Decade.

britpopbaby said...

I'm sure Austin can look after himself. He seems to have made a good job of it for the past 26 years.

Anonymous said...

Why do people want to fight over the sex of the person Jake goes out with? If Jake is happy with the person he is with, then so we should be. (But, listen Jake, if that person happens to be Paris Hilton, we'll desert you en mass.)

Anonymous said...

Who was fighting?

cina said...

I've even seen a photo of him sprawled on top of Jake while his master was lounging poolside in a chaise lounge.

I love that picture, and I SO wish I could trade places with Atticus there... No fair! LOL!

And I agree - who was fighting?

Prophecy Girl said...

I see the picture of Anneka has been recovered! Excellent work!!

britpopbaby said...

Yeah, she called be an Uber Twerp for losing it. See? British humour.

Simon Agent 002 said...

Anneka has a picture?...is it that same download deal like the poetry reading?
Time is up, your out of luck.
Has Anneka's picture expired?

Bella Dey said...

How come when I go to WFT, I don't read negative things about JW, but when I come here, it's a free for all for who can diss it better. Aren't we more mature than this? The people there are Jake fans just like us, so why should we hate on them? I just don't think it's right. I gave myself a name because I don't want to be called a troll or have people speaking for me. I honestly don't see why we as Jake fans can't be united?

Simon Agent 002 said...

It may have something to do with the fact that "they" come here and bother us.
We don't care to go to their site.
If they didn't pop in with their negitive and nasty comments...
No one here would give them a second thought.

kokodee said...

I gave myself a name because I don't want to be called a troll
Good for you. You wouldn't happen to know anything about the 'dany' that posted earlier, would you?

Anonymous said...

How come when I go to WFT, I don't read negative things about JW

Then you're not looking in the right places. But don't worry about it, this is the nature of the blogging world.

Anonymous said...

Who was negative or nasty?

britpopbaby said...

I honestly don't see why we as Jake fans can't be united?

I feel the same way, bella dey. But such is life. Saying that JW, IHJ and DC manage to exist in perfect harmony with mutual loving.

Anonymous said...

I post to DC, JW and WFT. Never to IHJ.

Nothing Really Matters said...

What did i miss??

Anneka i will read your review later. Looking forward to it!

Simon Agent 002 said...

Kokodee,
Will you marry me?
I know I'm a little older (not much I look 30 really) and on another continent...
True love is overrated...and seldom found....companionship is better pursuit...

Anonymous said...

Who was negative or nasty
Try this one. The fun starts about half way down.

Bella Dey said...

I don't see where anyone came here and was nasty. Is the name Danyelle Dillon negative? I don't think it was the real Danyelle Dillon and I think it's stupid to pretend to be a person, which is why I gave myself a name.

"I feel the same way, bella dey. But such is life. Saying that JW, IHJ and DC manage to exist in perfect harmony with mutual loving."

I think it's because WFT talks about Jake and Austin together and that talk is all but forbidden at these places. I think it's a shitty double standard and that all Jake fans should be united and we shouldn't be telling others to get a life and talking badly about one another just because some of us have different views. I know such is life and that it may be naive of me to think this way but I do and I just wanted to share.

Kokodee, you don't have to be nasty to me because I wasn't nasty to you or anyone else here. I just asked a question. And no I don't know anything about the Dany poster earlier.

Anonymous said...

Actually I'm confused on why there are some comments here that keep mentioning Chris hanging out with Jake in comparison to Jake hanging out with Austin. As far as I've seen, no one who is a WFT regular poster has anything mean to say about Chris because they know that they are best friends and that Jake has fun with him. So I'm really not getting what the point of the comparison betw. Austin and Chris is. I doubt any WFT people are upset that Jake is actually hanging out with his best friend.

Anonymous said...

You're allowed to say that you don't find Kirsten Dunst or Angelina Jolie or Anne Hathaway or Naomi Foner Gyllenhaal attractive ... because, yucky, they're girls, and misogynism is perfectly okay

Nice anonymous, I don't think that kind of thing is partial to WFT because as far as I've seen, pretty much all of the Jake sights tend to be harsher on the women than they are on the men. Also I don't know if you even go on WFT and if you don't, you can hardly say that you know what they talk about there but I never really see them hate on the looks of the women that are in Jake's life. Even Kirsten tends to be better respected than she does on certain other Jake sights. I'm not saying that WFT never says mean statements about those people but they certainly don't do it anymore than other Jake sights do including this one. Just because they don't think that Jake is in a romantic relationship with any of the current women, it doesn't mean they don't like Natalie or anyone else.

Anonymous said...

Who was negative or nasty
Try this one. The fun starts about half way down


Why are nearly all of them anonymous over there? (I know I know, I'm anonymous as well here, I'll put a name as soon as I think of some stunningly clever nick).

britpopbaby said...

I think it's because WFT talks about Jake and Austin together and that talk is all but forbidden at these places.

Not true. But I'm not getting into a WFT debate. I was just sick and tried of everytime we mentioned Austin trouble starts, like WFT owns the copyright to him or something.

And although I (currently) cannot control the comments please keep bashing to a minimum because it gives me a headache. Unless you'd like to do it a witty manner (a la imposter danyelledill) then go ahead because I always love a laugh.

Simon Agent 002 said...

I don't compare C & A...I don't really care which he spends time with.
Again if his name wasn't brought up I also doubt we'd be talking about Chris now.
There in MV someone said.
Great! I hope their having a better time then I am right now! :)
As far as WFT's since you feel you can perhaps understand them, maybe you can explain why they keep coming back here?
I have my theories...but I doubt they would feel it applies to themselfves.

kokodee said...

Kokodee, you don't have to be nasty to me because I wasn't nasty to you or anyone else here.

Nasty, moi? Never.
Infact I believe all of the jake sites should jump together in one big ol' bed and make love lennon-ono style.

Kokodee,
Will you marry me?
I know I'm a little older (not much I look 30 really) and on another continent...


But of course Simon, just let me get Brits consent to disengage the secret civil partnership we entered into first.
In her defence she was shit-face drunk.

Prophecy Girl said...

Why the fuck does any mention of Austin Nichols ALWAYS lead to people defending WFT?? I think the "split" was made very clear. The two blogs don't get along. Accept it. This post is about The Day After Tomorrow.

britpopbaby said...

Hey, PG, should we bake them cookies?

Bella Dey said...

"And although I (currently) cannot control the comments please keep bashing to a minimum because it gives me a headache. Unless you'd like to do it a witty manner (a la imposter danyelledill) then go ahead because I always love a laugh."

I hope I haven't bashed anyone. Is sharing my views bashing?

Prophecy Girl said...

brits, with icing and sprinkles!

Bella Dey said...

I apologise Kokodee. In this fan orgy, can we use whipped cream cherries?

kokodee said...

Lol! See I always had my doubts over over our 'union'. Lemme see, there's the partial man you mention, Pg, anneka, le sexx, poppa G...
Speak up brits, what have you to say for yourself??

kokodee said...

Yes, bella that would be pleasant indeed. My pussy (see avator) is partial to cream...of any kind.

cina said...

I would like me some Jake with a little whipped cream on top.

The Bearded Lady said...

Ok what are we talking about then? Anneka or TDAT? or pets?
How come no pets in TDAT?...fear Lassie would upstage Jake and crew and save the world first?
Lassie takes direction well and only barks on cue.
I never heard any stories on how Lassie was difficult to work with or jealous...or wanted more money...Her head did not swell with fame.

nice anonymous said...

Easy now, folks. If you re-read my post, you'll see that it contains no references whatsoever to the Waiting for Toothy (WFT) blog. My post referred to some posters who come to **this** particular site, JakeWatch, & complain about what the regulars on this blog & the authors -- Anneka, ProphecyGirl & Brits, the owner & proprietor -- write about various people within & without Jake's life. I was half-jokingly attempting to codify a set of rules so that Anneka would know what kinds of posts & references appear to give offense to some visitors & would not run afoul of them in the future. I make no claims about having any insight into the nature of WFT, because I have never visited that blog. Or any other Jake-related blog besides this one.

(I was once a member of the Dave Cullen forum -- which isn't a blog -- and ran my odometer well past 1,000 posts there. But that was back when "Brokeback Mountain" was still in the theaters & I considered it one of my "causes." But, after I'd nagged my close friends into seeing it, and cheered it through awards season, & donated through PayPal for the ads & dedicated my DVDs to rural libraries & written my protest e-mails to AMPAS, I felt my time there among the Cullenites was done. :-)

My interest in Jake is rather specialized, and I believe this blog, JakeWatch, best meets my needs. You other readers' mileage -- and willingness to spend time online on the various Jake-related Web sites -- may vary. As for me, I'm just trying to keep my obsession manageable & within the boundaries of sanity by using just one, single blog to meet all my Jake-related needs. I see this as a one-stop Gyllenhaal shopping experience, basically: Jake-Mart.

No Name Nancy said...

I really don't get all the fuss about Austin. Because he was pictured with Jake a few times and Ted C made up some rumour?

I might be able to understand if Jake was seen with him all the time but he isnt and no Defamer sightings don't count.

Jake tends to go through phrases with friends, Alex Greenwald, Sam Ronson. I think the Austin thing has been blown way out of proportion.

britpopbaby said...

I hope I haven't bashed anyone. Is sharing my views bashing?

No bella, not at all. I thank you for voicing your opinion in a nice and coherent manner. We've just had many a WFT debate before and I guess some of us feel there is nothing left to say about it.

I was thinking more blueberrys. In fact we should get Anneka to do it - I just her a muffin recipe book for her birthday.

britpopbaby said...

donated through PayPal for the ads

That Vanity Fair as was amazing! Great to know you were a part of it nice anon.

And thanks for shopping at Jake-mart. I guess I should do a discount for the loyal customers?

Simon Agent 002 said...

Kokodee,
I'm in no hurry...if things between you and Brit don't pan out...there's options thats all. :)

muffin said...

....and I believe this blog, JakeWatch, best meets my needs.

BINGO!!!!!!!!!

Which is why I get ever so slightly peeved by people who want this blog to be the same as other blogs and other Jake related forums.....

muffin said...

...who mentioned Blueberry Muffins?!!!!!!

kokodee said...

Haha, Simon I may just hold you to that.
'Cause you may want to change your mind after you've met my assorted collection of persian felines and antique scrolls that are older than the bearded lady herself...

And nice anon, you were part of the Variety Ad? Wow, that was an outsanding group achievement and very positive too. Well done!

Dumbo said...

Sometimes mommies and daddies don't get a long. While they may say not so nice things to each other, that doesn't mean they love their children (Jakey poo, Poppa G, Boogle, Attiboy)any less.

Anonymous said...

Eww! That Defamer blog leaves a LOt to be desired regarding their plausibility. One thing they did tho, that just gave me tiny little goosebumps; made me groan softly, actually. In their last Jake item that I read, they referred to him as Mr. Dreammuffinness. I liked it. Kind of said it all, ya' know?

Simon Agent 002 said...

I get along well with cats.
Antique scrolls, I'm not sure what what type of scrolls your speaking of?
Piano? Dead Sea? Parchment?
As long as I get to keep my antique tin toy collection.
Were ok.
I'm keeping my tin Robot...It comes with me.
The homes are smaller in England although...from the TV home improvement shows I've seen.
Where can you store it all?

PS I never heard about the Vanity Fair ad and would love to !...is a photo of it at IHJ?

kokodee said...

Actually defamer can be very funny too. Their 'sightings' are something else, but i'll never forget their response to Jake's PR ''they are just friends'' comment.
They blamed it on Jake's "brain-liquidfying level of dreaminess" which saw even the canine community wanting to claim him as one of their own
I have never laughed so hard in my life.

Kendra said...

Superb review, Anneka, you keep fueling my addiction to Emmy!

kokodee said...

Alas, simon we may have to seek grand castles to accomodate our collective posessions, the scrolls of which I speak are of the musical kind. I bought them two years ago at a bootsale in the alternate universe. In the present I like to believe they were handed down by my 4 X great grand uncle's roomate.

I remember reading an article in March about BBM fans putting out an ad in the Daily Variety complete with a sample of the ad that said thank you to the filmakers. I'm not sure if it is the same as the vanity fair one though.

Simon Agent 002 said...

I'm looking around the net now. Thanks.
I didn't start following Jake's comings and goings until April...
I was aware of him earlier...just not crazy like now. :)

Anneka's Alias said...

Awww dag-nabbit! I'm late for the fight again. I really gots to get me a faster vee-hicle.

I hearby make a retraction. Austin is the most gorgeous guy I've ever seen in my life. He comes way above my Christian holy trinity - Bale, Slater and Hans Anderson. So can we not fight anymore? Good, super, fantastic. What?...No put Kofi Annan on hold. Tell him I'm on Jake Watch. He'll understand.

Britpop, of course the person in the pic looks nothing like me. I was in DISGUISE! You think my legs are really that pasty? And if they were I'd let them on the internet?

For the record, I'm attempting banana walnut muffins this week. I'm allergic to blueberries. Okay, I'm not. I just don't like them. But if I tell people I'm allergic, they don't make me eat them.

Kendra said...

Saying that JW, IHJ and DC manage to exist in perfect harmony with mutual loving.


You forgot to add the reborn Jake Weird to the list, Brits ;)

Smurfeyshmoo said...

OMG Anneka! I'm laughing my ass off. Actually, I wish I was laughing my ass off because it's getting bigger everyday. Er, anyway. Your labeled picture of the Super Nerds and all the random people was hilarious. The Sex does indeed look good even when wearing so many layers of clothing. I can't wait to read your take on the break-in at Wendy's and Emmy almost croaking.

nice anonymous said...

The first ad run by the Dave Cullen forum appeared in the March 10, 2006 issue of daily Variety. (Got it here next to me.) Donations kept pouring in long after that ad was designed & paid for, though -- so the Forum's administrators later bought animated online banner ads, to continue the campaign on the Web, in order to use the money exactly as they'd promised to. I do not recall all of the online publications where the later ads appeared. I believe they were purchased as part of several package deals -- they got placement on a bunch of Web sites, not just one -- and I think Defamer was one of them, and TowleRoad, and I'm trying to remember if they ever did a placement on USA Today or not. Maybe Vanity Fair was in that bunch? (I'm sure the Cullen site has a historical account of what happened, which would include these details.)

Brits probably knows the first print ad was in Variety -- she just got her "v" publications mixed up. (I do that, too, with proper names, Brits.)

I was happy to give money for that cause -- it took away some of the sting. (Some, not all. I'm still angry, even now.) I'd been online with so many others on the DC forum when Jack Nicholson said that awful, monosyllabic word. I couldn't believe it. I thought he wasn't joking. I switched off the TV. And I swear, the Web site froze for 15 minutes afterward at least, as everyone wrote things like: "Nooooooooo!" and people were online all night, posting madly, going without sleep, trying to comfort each other & wrap our minds around what had just happened.

Anyway, that's history now. But, yes, hundreds of people from all over the world gave money for the Variety ad & other ads. It was one big collective effort, of which I was a very tiny part.

(And I swear, I didn't do it just because of Jake's blue, blue eyes & curly upper lip & abdominal muscles & perfect legs -- there were some ideals & shit behind it all, you know?)

cina said...

Actually, I wish I was laughing my ass off because it's getting bigger everyday.

Oh God smurfeyshmoo! I'm sorry your ass is getting bigger, but my god it made me laugh! LOLOL

muffin said...

OMG, nice, you have just brought the horror of that night right back to me.....I still can't quite believe that Jack Nicholson didn't say Brokeback Mountain when he opened that envelope, and I think that Jack himself couldn't quite believe it either....

Dumbo said...

For the record, I'm attempting banana walnut muffins this week. I'm allergic to blueberries. Okay, I'm not. I just don't like them. But if I tell people I'm allergic, they don't make me eat them.



You and Violet Beauregarde from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory fame. Talk about an allergic reaction.

Simon Agent 002 said...

Yes, I just found it.
Very impressive, well done! :)
I hope it made a few tongues wag at the academy.
As for Nicholson,
I didn't hear of his remark nor wish to.
A people who live in glass houses sort of thing... He's a fine one to pass judgement on anyone.
I watched the Oscars for the first time in many, many years as I don't care for much that comes out of Hollywood and passes for art or entertainment.
I tuned in that night hoping to see Jake take the podium...but we all know what happened there...to give the best picture to Crash was an extra dig...even Truman would have been possible to explain as a difference of opinion. (as much as I might disagree)
Long story short, I'm sorry I stayed up as late as I did to see the show.
Hurray for Hollywood.

cina said...

I too was online that night with a group of Gyllenhaalics I've gotten to know through the internet, and the total shock when "CRASH!" came over Jack's lips was... I don't know what. I don't think I've experienced anything like it. Even Jack sounded stunned when he said it. I am personally still stunned myself.

Simon Agent 002 said...

Nice Anon, Your refering to Nicholson reading the winner as "the remark"?...ah I misunderstood you.
I thought Jack Nicholson made some slur.
No, I don't even recall him presenting it?(funny?)
I dropped the nights details out of my mind like a wasted episode...
I couldn't tell you who the major winners were in many of the categories...
The Ocsar is a meaningless honor to me now...
You might as well pass out the "Good Housekeeping" seal of approval it would carry more gravitas.

nice anonymous said...

Sorry to bring that night back so vividly to you, all folks.

Let's just hope it never happens again.

The way Gyllenpappa wrote a poem for Maggie, in response to the nasty review that she got, in order to console her & hearten her for future efforts -- that was what the Cullen forum was trying to do for everyone involved with "Brokeback Mountain" when the Variety ad was conceived & printed.

I would still like to see Jake holding an Academy Award, even if I refuse to watch the stupid show anymore.

@ Simon, sorry if my post wasn't clear. Jack didn't make any disparaging remark about "Brokeback Mountain" while on camera during the awards ceremony -- he just uttered the name of the winner, lifting his eyebrows with an expression of surprise. (The winner's name is the dreaded monosyllable that I do not care to write here. I cannot bear to see the name of that Lionsgate movie, even now. Let alone type it with my own fingers. I prefer to use euphemisms, as some do when referring to "the Scottish play.")

Jack confessed afterward to a reporter that, being an AMPAS member, he'd personally voted for "Brokeback Mountain" as best picture. He wasn't against it at all; he was simply the bearer of bad news.

Simon Agent 002 said...

Mr Nicholson, I owe you an apology for even thinking for a moment you would be a jerk.
Or in some vague way refering to your own life...
I am ashamed.
Honestly if I was on Cash Cab and the question was who read best picture in 06' I would be stumped...all the detail is gone.

smurfette said...

wow, so much to catch up on!

anneka, another brilliant piece of writing, as usual. and thanks for enhancing the already great posts even more with the pictures-- love it!

nice, i agree with everything u've said. and i'm entirely in the same boat, trying to control my jake obsession in terms of log-hours with JW as my one-stop-shop. thanks again to the fabulous trio who make this site such a pleasure for us. i don't think we say that enough.

cina, u've access to the jarhead diaries? so jealous!

Simon Agent 002 said...

Yeah Cina,
has Bubble Boy on DVD too!
I'm going to her house...

smurfette said...

^^ heh, that i do have-- think i can't go a month without rewatching it with the adorable commentary track =P

smurfette said...

oh yeah, just wanted to add that kirsten looks amazing in that pic. i usually think she looks frumpy and puffy, but i've gotta give her credit-- she cleans up good when she goes for the right look. she's in the same category as austin for me. i think she looks really good in about 20% of the pics i see. whereas jake is always a perfect 10 of course! (see, i can be objective too haha!)

Kendra said...

Read my last entry from my blog about "The day after tomorrow"!

said...

This site is still giving me hell. Britpopbaby, can you do anything about it? Sometimes it takes days for me to see new posts, sometimes I come here and can see everything and then I'll refresh or come back later, and they're all gone. What the hell is it? I know dlisted had the same problem, and they're also on Blogger.

Sorry, this is just really frustrating.

Anonymous said...

Doesn't sound like a problem with this site (if it is, then everyone would have the same problem), rather it is a problem at your end. Your browser is probably using a cache and it doesn't refresh automatically on every visit. See if you reset your browser to its default settings.

Girl Friday said...

Doesn't sound like a problem with this site (if it is, then everyone would have the same problem), rather it is a problem at your end.

To be honest, I've never had that problem up until a few days ago. Now I'm having it at home, at work and on my Mac laptop. That's three computers right there and one's not even a Windows Based PC. I just have to remember to do a forced reload when I come to a blogspot site by holding down shift and *then* pressing the reload button.

The Bearded Lady said...

Blogger has been acting up at times these last few days. So it's not only you.

pgcatz said...

Let the dog shit in the geography section of the library, that's priceless Anneka. I am laughing with tears in my eyes. I wish you wrote my local newspaper, Thanks for the entertainment.

Kendra said...

Blogger is EVIL!! Why, why did they have to treat me that way? After swallowing my Jake Weird archives (so hard prepared during three months) now whenever I see the word "Blogger", my stomachs revolts. B*stards.

cina said...

@ smurfette and simon - I guess Sweden is a great place to live sometimes! LOL ;-)

All jokes aside, I got Bubble Boy from sendit.com in Britain, I buy a lot of films from them. The Jarhead Special Edition that seems so difficult to find, I bought from a Swedish site. It is a dream to watch the diaries. He's gorgeous. *sigh*

JoyceDavenport said...

'Little Jake' -LOL.

Can't wait for part 3 Anneka.

The excitement of the wolves!

Old guy cops it!

Jake kisses Emmy!

Oh -and half the world gets wiped out!

Even though I 've seen the movie several times- yes I actually like TDAT- it's like seeing it again for the first time.

britpopbaby said...

Blogger does have issues. They're encouraging lots of people to start blogs to test some new features and software so the rest of us our suffering. Hopefully the updates will be available to us all soon.

All I can suggest is accessing the blog through www.jakewatch.com instead of the blogger address.

I'm looking into wordpress right now because they have plug-ins and I want to have changable skins. But it costs lots of moolah so we'll have to see.

Agnes said...

I love it!!!

Anonymous said...

I can't believe my harmless alternative ending to TDAT was deleted from this thread.

Lawks.

Anonymous said...

It wasn't deleted, my mistake.

Anonymous said...


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