Wednesday, August 01, 2007

It's okay...

...no, really. It's all going to be fine. But we're a little concerned by your reactions. In the past 24 hours, you guys have said stuff like, "Awwwwww!" and "Squeeeeeeeeeeeee!" and "This is more fun that Survivor!"

What the hell is wrong with you people?! Jake is dating someone and it's NOT YOU!!! We have spent 16 months bonding over the hotness and singleness that is Jake Gyllenhaal and now one of those two factors is no longer working in our favor. Don't put up a front for our sakes. We know you're sad. We know you're secretly cursing Reese Witherspoon's name. We know that every day that Jake spends sitting complacently in a car with Reese is a day he is not sitting complacently in a car with you. It's okay to be upset. Quite frankly, we think your euphoric responses are weird and likely due to shock.

Which is why Jake Watch is proudly presenting the..

Jake-Has-A-Girlfriend Disaster Kit - Reese Witherspoon Edition
(aka The Man of Your Dreams Has Himself a Woman and You Need Help Kit)

For your kit, you will need*:

1. A garbage bag, for your Legally Blonde DVD's. Not going to be needing those anymore...

2. A cave, in which to live. If you're going to minimize your exposure to all things Jeese, you're going to have to take drastic measures to quarantine yourself from all media coverage. However, you will have to go out at some point, so you'll need...

3. Ear muffs, a sleeping mask, and a seeing eye dog. Reduce your primary senses as much as possible and then use the dog to navigate. You will not see the cover of US Weekly, nor hear the E! News reports, but you will still be able to buy your...

4. Liquor. Lots of it (we suggest gin). It'll be easier to get through this if you're drunk. You'll also need...

5. Tissues, for crying yourself to sleep at night. Drinking will probably make you weepy as will the fact that JAKE HAS A FREAKING GIRLFRIEND. You'll want some company, too, so how about your...

6. Jarhead DVD. Jake with a killer body and no significant other after the first half hour. Perfect for revving up your fantasy life again. Speaking of which, how about some...

7. Pictures of Jake, to tape to your pillow. That way he will never leave your bed. Even Reese can't say that. And finally...

8. Chocolate. A wise woman once said, "There is no problem that cannot be solved with chocolate." Indulge yourself. You've earned it.

And stop acting like you're all happy. For God's sake it's creepy. No one's going to think less of you for being disappointed. Just know that we here at Jake Watch have put our kits to work and are already starting to forget... Jake and who? What?**

Your personal Jake therapists,
britpopbaby and Prophecy Girl

* Most items can be found at your local grocery store. Maybe not the cave.
** The Official Jake Watch Mentality on the matter.

52 comments:

marly said...

God Bless you both...

you are just saying what a few of us feel....

*however if anyone of us REALLY got to be with Jake, I'd be happy for you*

**well not really**

hugsuzie said...

Great to see you are taking it so well. The survival kit REALLY works except that I've just run out of gin and the seeing eye dog pissed on my pic of Jake.

marly said...

Hugsuzie... ROFLMAO!!

Nice one, girl.

But really, I'd rather like the idea of it all... if it's true.

*but sh*t, it ain't me, so the hell with it!!*

felicia said...

8. Chocolate. A wise woman once said, "There is no problem that cannot be solved with chocolate." Indulge yourself. You've earned it.

She also exclaimed "Fire bad, tree pretty."

I think I like her thoughts on chocolate better. :-)

Prophecy Girl said...

^^^ Ha! That was Graduation Day, Part 2, wasn't it? Er, I mean, I'm totally not that big of a nerd...

marly said...

**DIES**

But really girls, shouldn't we at least be happy the person he is "supposedly with" is intelligent?

At least we haven't seen her pantyless...

**though if I were her, I'd be all up on Jake like white on rice**

suzy said...

Well thank the God of My Understanding for some relief from the "arent they cute" bullshit, no they're not cute. went out in the killer sun and got me chocolate and scotch. wake me up when this is over.

Anonymous said...

Phew thank god you've given info for a survival kit as I was starting to spiral into a deep dark depression but now I'm seeing the light! Thank you!

only1annabel

JW Lurker said...

Thanks for the survival kit, I didn't think this news would affect me the way it has!

PS: If we are to believe some posters on TMZ, Reese was in MV for a bit last month with Jake!!

nice anonymous said...

Loved this post. Just loved it.
Big smile on my face as I log off the office computer (yech!) tonight.

Anonymous said...

I'd much rather see Jake with Reese or Natalie than with one of you! Besides, you couldn't afford him. I think Jake is very high maintenace.

Anonymous said...

One of the best posts in recent history...I laughed out loud!! Awesome

AgentLola said...

Jeese. LOL.

Anonymous said...

i'm sorry, but i'm gonna need more more than gin 'n' chocolates to get through this.
i. am. devastated.
i mean has witherspoon even got a cute puggle to match Boo?
what will Frank say about this???!!

blameSVENDKA said...

sweet baby jeeses! I mean jesus.Lol.
I've got vodka by the bucketloads, a tub of ben and jerry's and i'm getting me a special eye dog.
I'm just popping over to blockbuster to rent jarhead and then I'll be sure to get rid of my copy of sweet home alabama and cruel intentions(even though j'adore Sarah M G, alas that's not the point).

BLAMESVEDKA said...

sweet baby jeeses! I mean jesus.Lol.
I've got vodka by the bucketloads, a tub of ben and jerry's and i'm getting me a special eye dog.
I'm just popping over to blockbuster to rent jarhead and then I'll be sure to get rid of my copy of sweet home alabama and cruel intentions(even though j'adore Sarah M G, alas that's not the point).

jediane9 said...

That was fantastic. Thanks for making my day!!

JEESE. Brilliant.

BirdGirl said...

I am sooo glade that I'm not the only one that's depressed about this. I was really starting to think that I have something wrong with me. I guess when you get yourself wrapped up with someone so much it's normal to feel a little sad about it. You guys have finally put a smile back on my face.

Nothing Really Matters said...

What the hell is wrong with you people?! Jake is dating someone and it's NOT YOU!!!

Darling I see no problem with this! I didn't stop me last time, why should I let if bother me now!

cina said...

Jake-Has-A-Girlfriend Disaster Kit - Reese Witherspoon Edition

The title alone is hysterical!

TV Guide said...

Caught Reese being interviewed on Entertainment tonight. She is the new Avon Global spokesperson. And it's not just being the face for perfume/cosmetics. Avon Global raises awareness for Breast Cancer, Domestic Violence ,etc.

She looked great nad was beaming!!
Also there was a sneak peak of the Rendition trailer which will air tonight. Look out for it!

Anonymous said...

OH my!!!

Thank you sooooooooooooo much for that list!

I needed it badly from yesterday!!!!!!!!

:D

Ania

S4M985 said...

So when are u dispatching these kits to the agents around the world? I mean i know even by airmail its going to be like at least 2 days and i really dont think i can handle it much longer. I tried to put together my own kit, as like most of u i've finished all the gin, and the vodka, malibu and every alcoholic beverage in my house... its NOT working. I need a cave... bad


Anyway i would just like to say, i think that is my favourite post ever. Too bad about the underlying topic ;)

Linna said...

ROFLMFAO!

You guys are the best! I knew I could count on you for my survival through this... Without you depression would take me over completely. Seriously.

Anonymous said...

You guys, you seriously crack me up or you're seriously cracked. We're not the only ones to feel this way... check this out!

http://showbiz.sky.com/showbiz/picture_gallery/0,,50001-1278209,00.html

Anonymous said...

I do love Sky Showbiz's obesssion with the Divine Mr G, they seem to work his name into just about any story they can.

Still okay with it, I think it's because I quite like Reese that I'm dealing with minimal vodka and chocolate at the moment, obviously this is subject to change if reality hits home

Atticus said...

Hey I don't mind Reese one bit, but then again ,I'm not a girl.

Have I told you guys how awesome you are lately ? -no ?

oh well...

anne said...

i have to admit: they're cute.

DAMN!

heddaparsons said...

If they are together then good for them I say (and they do look cute togehter).

I'll have a little tonic with my gin please.

get real said...

OMG, what a post. PG and Brit you just saidi it al, lol. ;)

Btw, the "Rendition" trailer will be on tonight's "Entertainment Tonight"!!

get real said...

^^ should be "said"

Wet For Went said...

I come here for some Jake and I find him with HER?

*leaving*

twistedlogic said...

ROFL!!! What a brilliant post- totally classic JakeWatch:D
I have to say I'm not bothered about Jake being with Reese, or anyone else for that matter. I've long since accepted he'll never be mine, so as long as he keeps making great movies and showing off his hot sexy looks, that's all I ask of him. Oh, and for him to keep inspiring more hilarious posts like this!:D

Prophecy Girl said...

^^^ Yeah, we realized that there will be the occasional person who has logically accepted such things...but there are also going to be a whole hell of a lot of people who are not happy with this turn of events. :D We just didn't want anyone to feel peer-pressured into saying, "Oh, isn't it wonderful?" if that's not what they really feel. I'm sure that for the vast majority, if you were going to be fully honest with yourself, a sincere feeling of happiness on their behalf is not the first reaction. It's normal and expected to be upset. So why pretend otherwise? :D

Anonymous said...

Of all the chins Jake could be leaving stubble-burn on, it had to be that (pointy) one.

Anonymous said...

Speaking of Jake and Reese, IHJ has some screencaps of the Rendition trailer:


http://iheartjake.suddenlaunch.com/index.cgi?board=jakemovies&num=1171412075&action=display&start=150

nice anonymous said...

I did go through all the cycles of grief (but not online, publicly) and attained Acceptance sometime around 2 PM EST the day before yesterday.

No matter who Jake's with, there's always Jake Watch. ;-)

Anonymous said...

do you really think it's going to last? I don't think so! First Reese isn't even a free woman, she hasn't divorced her husband (and from what I know he and Jake know each other let's hope no fireworks ensue)

And Jake will get tired of her. I just know it! it's me he really wants :D

brownanddesperate said...

Alls I have to say is that there is life beyond blonde Jake. Gee wiz! You have had Kirsten, possibly Diane Kruger and now more than likely Reese Witherspoon. I think it is time to come over to the dark side and I am just the one to lead you there ;)

Stephanie said...

Haha I actually do have a few pictures of Jake right next to my bed, he never does leave it. ;) Also, I go out of town for a few days and this is what I get when I return?!? A no-longer-single Jake? What is the world coming to?

twistedlogic said...

^^^ Yeah, we realized that there will be the occasional person who has logically accepted such things...but there are also going to be a whole hell of a lot of people who are not happy with this turn of events. :D We just didn't want anyone to feel peer-pressured into saying, "Oh, isn't it wonderful?" if that's not what they really feel. I'm sure that for the vast majority, if you were going to be fully honest with yourself, a sincere feeling of happiness on their behalf is not the first reaction. It's normal and expected to be upset. So why pretend otherwise? :D
I wasn't knocking anyone who DOES feel upset about it, I didn't mean it like that. Reading my post back though, I can see how it might have come across as patronising or condescending but that wasn't my intention, honestly :) And yes,I admit I'd be lying if I said part of me doesn't believe he'd be much better off with me;)
But I've a long line of men lead me on and then cast me aside, from the bloke who played Bruno in Fame through Steve Owen out of Spandau Ballet, George Michael, Brat Pitt and Jamie Redknapp to name but a few. So when I started this thing with Jake I knew it would all end in tears so I've kind of been prepared for it to happen from the off:D

theshowerlady said...

Truthfully? A sincere feeling of happiness for both of them was exactly my first reaction...and my second...and my third.

Prophecy Girl said...

Oh twistedlogic, I totally was not saying anything against what you said! I was just saying that as a general response to the many people who came out and admitted they were upset after the post went up. I meant it as sort of thank you to everyone for being honest and an explanation of our motivation. But I see now that doing that in response to your post made it look like I was picking on you. TOTALLY not the case. ;)

And showerlady, you are a much better woman than most of us...or maybe just harboring fewer fantasies... :D

twistedlogic said...

Hey PG,it's cool! I did think your post was a response to mine but I didn't feel I was being picked on:) I thought you made a valid point and my reply was more of a general comment too, in case anyone had been upset or offended by what I said:)

Anyway, I just wish you girls had been doing these Survival Kits 25 years ago - you would have saved me a whole lot of tears and heartache!;D

theshowerlady said...

LOL! PG, realistically, I just know my limits! I fantasize about hitting the lottery, too. And it's more likely I will hit it than that I will ever have Jake. Personally, I just want him to be happy, truly. And would hate to see him misused or mistreated or disrespected. IMVHO, Reese is a cutie, she seems like a really smart, really decent person, and she has a successful career, so I think he's in good hands. Look. Jake is going to date. He might even be having sex on a regular basis!!!!!The thing is, it could definitely be lots worse!
BTW: saw the RENDITION clips. O.M.G. That is all.

Prophecy Girl said...

I am all over the Rendition action. Recap is up!

Anonymous said...

I couldn't stop laughing with your comment.
You are great!

joycedavenport. said...

I suppose it might have slipped under the radar a bit with all the trauma- but has anyone noticed Frank is -er. kind of dead? (Mike Reid cockney actor on who was playing the role of Frank passed away last week).

See this is why pictures got out. If Frank was still around no way would anything be even semi public.

Frank would have known the fall out from such news. He would have told Jake that all these birds topping themselves cause he's got 'imself a cute canary is bad for business.

Poor Frank. Poor Jake- where will his career go without him? I would foresee further bad decisions such as pictures of them holding hands and kissing coming into the public domain. If there were such pictures.

However I am still in denial and don't believe anything is happening. They are just friends, they are just friends, this is a pre-movie release publicity stun

Anonymous said...

I adore all you're comments especially the stubble burn and pointy chin ROFL. This is a happy place for heartbreak.

brownanddesperate said ....

"Alls I have to say is that there is life beyond blonde Jake. Gee wiz! You have had Kirsten, possibly Diane Kruger and now more than likely Reese Witherspoon. I think it is time to come over to the dark side and I am just the one to lead you there ;)"

I'm with you sister :D and not just hair color...

Anonymous said...

Amen to turning 21 in a week; I'll be allowed to have that liquor.

Can my seeing eye dog be Boo? Speaking of which, has anyone seen him lately?

Queen Vic said...

yeah, I heard about Mike Reid from Eastenders: RIP Frank.

Anonymous said...

i'm so effin' JEALOUS of Reese.