Thursday, March 15, 2007

SUPER-JAKE!

Jake, Jake, Jake. You just can't seem escape the superhero rumors! The newest one comes from the NY Daily News which cites you as first pick to play Captain Marvel in a movie with the unfortunate title Shazam! (exclamation point included). Reliable? Probably not. But we can explore the possibility anyway because, let's face, what the hell else are we going to do while you're in Africa? The same article brings up the pervasive Jake-as-Spider-man topic, but we'll get to that in a second. Let's take a look at some of your many superhero roles, some actual rumors, some pulled totally out of my ass.

1. The Obvious. Captain Marvel.
Upside: Attractive gold sash. Looks good on everyone!
Downside: You'd have to lose your neck. And possibly take steroids.

2. The Classic. Superman.
Upside: Cape!
Downside: Unavoidable Dean Cain comparisons.

3. The Masked. The Green Hornet (Batman was taking too long to Photoshop).
Upside: Mask! It could be kinky!
Downside: Attention-happy sidekick. He might be a scene-stealer with his judo moves.

4. The Persistent. Spider-Man.
Upside: Wow, I'm totally turned on by my own fabricated picture.
Downside: Two words: Tobey Maguire.

5. The Overlooked. Underdog.
Upside: I foresee minimal competition for the role.
Downside: I'm not sure how believable you would be as a dog. And those arm muscles may be difficult to duplicate in real life.

In actuality, I'm not sure why everyone is so concerned about you as a superhero when we already know exactly what you look like in Spandex.
On second thought, that's probably precisely why the rumors persist...

UPDATE: It's not true. Color me shocked. Thank you heddaparsons for the detective work!

Well, now that everyone has discussed this topic ad nauseum in the comments of the previous post, this may be a bit moot...except we were far overdue for some head transplants, so why the hell not?

44 comments:

ncwoman said...

Okay, I was LMAO at the photo-shopped pics of Jake in superhero costumes, just about pissed myself laughing at the Underdog one, then......

The last photo came up, and....I....OMG.....

*THUD*

Anonymous said...

18 months of anti-beard propaganda, up in smoke.

Local Celebrity said...

Super-Jake!

smurfette said...

YES! PG, photoshopped jake heads are ALWAYS appropriate, always timely. i think i'm in love with jake as underdog... haha. wish we coulda seen jake at batman, but the masked green hornet was pretty hilarious =)

we missed your mad photoshop skills, PG!

11:37 Fromtheotherthread said...

Great photoshop. I LOVE Jake in spandex. If they'd have picked Jake for Superman it would have totally been a superhit. They were too cheap. Brandon who? They claim to have $200M for the movie of Capt. Marvel, but they problably only want to give Jake, $4 or $5 M and spend the rest on FX. And they wouldn't even throw in extra costume changes for him. He'd be wearing the same damned thing for the whole movie. I say nix the superhero genre, Jake. I still think Gidget is the way to go. I hope BPB and PG will do a re-write and make GIdget their follow up production after the sequel to TDATND!!!!

Anonymous said...

OM!I love Jake. For me he´s gorgeous anyway.

By the way, is he in Africa filming Rendition now?

Anonymous said...

Does Jake's parents know he's considering this red-tights wearing superdude who runs around in a gold sash??? WELL DO THEY? Why couldn't he play The Shadow?? "Who knows what evil lurks in the minds of men??? The Shadow do!" I mean The Shadow was sexy...Alec Baldwin notwithstanding.What about Mike Hammer, the Detective guy? Or some other retro hero from TV???? Of course, I guess to Jake the '70s ARE retro. Heh.

Anonymous said...

Biker Jake with those delicios legs and that tight, spandex-clad butt and the open shirt: *ded!*
I think an entire NEW GENRE of superhero should be created: Biker Jake and he gets to wear spandex with an open shirt for the whole movie...except when he takes showers.

kokodee said...

2.09 I was also a fan of the clean-shave, but jake looks so good these days with the fuzz. Be versatile, I say.

The under-dog.... LMAO!!!!

gummybug said...

No no no... Jake should be Captain America!

Just imagine the hotness.

Make some photoshop magic happen and I'll love you forever.

Stephanie said...

Oh man...I wish Jake had been Batman...Batman is my favorite superhero, and let's face it, Christian Bale is hot, but he does not hold up to the Gyllenhaal standards...Oh and in reference to the biking pic, my friend and I always talk of how we're going to buy some crappy Huffy bikes and put on spandex and ride around California looking for Jake haha we'll pose as avid cyclists who wish to ride with him. *wink*

callmespandex said...

Jake seems like a friendly guy, stephanie. If you guys are convincing, he might let ya...

cina said...

OMG, these manips are FUCKING HI-LARIOUS!!! LMFAO!!

Oh god... I swear a little pee came out. ;) LOL!

S4M985 said...

HAHA what good pics. Im right into the world conservation thing right now so i wouldnt mind seeing him play Captain Planet! (Hes our hero!)
Personally tho, i think most superhero movies come out a bit corny. I refuse to watch superman it looks sooo silly- im so glad Jake didnt play that role. But hey, if i had to pick i rekon Batman, or even Robin (although he wouldnt get as much screen time) ive always had a thing for Robin since Chris Odonnel played him (McVet- greys anatomy <3 )

KayDee said...

NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!

Jake, if you wear your underwear on your trousers i'm not speaking to you ever again!

nice anonymous said...

There's no superhero called "Sex Man," is there?

[Imagine how he'd save people.]

Since there isn't -- to my knowledge anyway -- I'm telling you, Jake needs to "expand his range" and play a really tormented villain. Preferably, a real hound of a villain. The kind that totally steals the show from the relatively bland hero.

only1annabel said...

Ooh I wish he were Superman! Tho I totally fancied Brandon Routh I still would have preferred the Gyllenhaal!
On a side note any U.K Jake Watchers you should know Jake is "Torso of the week" in this weeks Heat magazine and the picture is DAMN hot!! Took my breath away thats for sure!!

Anonymous said...

Torso Of The Week???????????
Why can't America get on the ball!!! This is some UK thing, right?

veeveevee said...

I'm not sure how believable you would be as a dog. And those arm muscles may be difficult to duplicate in real life.

LMAO!!!

And oh yes, nice anon...I do believe I need to be saved by the superhero "Sex Man"

*fans self*

Anonymous said...

how about just calling Jake Spandex man who rides his bike past unsuspecting criminals then runs them over?

He looks hot in just about anything. :D

Anonymous said...

WHERE is this photo of torso of the week?

Anonymous said...

May I please have your attention. I need to interrupt our regularly scheduled programming for a special announcement. As many of you know: Today is March 15th.
Yes. Today is the birthday...(gasp) of the Mother of Jake!!!!
Without her, none of us would be here at JW, doing what we are doing! All this important work! So can we all just...just...take a moment please? Can we just offer up a pray o' thanks? Who knew that her very own Gyllenbaby would grow
into the Sexiest Man Who Ever Lived! It boggles! Thank you Naomi Foner Gyllenhaal. That is all.

cina said...

Naomi Foner Gyllenhaal - I BOW AT YOUR FEET IN GRATITUDE!

Happy Birthday you mother of the most beautiful human being in the whole universe!

nice anonymous said...

Happy Birthday, Naomi Foner Gyllenhaal, blessed contributor of half of the genes owned by blue-eyed Jake.

Thanks so much for bearing that beautiful baby boy!

May your writing days be productive, your health remain at its optimum & your family life stay as fulfilling as ever.

kokodee said...

Aah! God bless you Ms Foner!

smurfette said...

naomi, i would like to shake your hand, cuz you sure done good ;)

Anonymous said...

Some photos from the set of Rendition!

http://www.realmovienews.com/movies/7575

KayDee said...

And your other child is cute as well. The one, you know, Jake's sister. Know the one?

kokodee said...

Thanks anon for the movie links.
This one is making me feel a little uncomfortable, http://www.realmovienews.com/stills/7575/12

This is gonna be a really interesting film.

Anonymous said...

Somewhere on the DCForum, someone posted a picture of a young Naomi Foner with longish, dark, curly hair. It was a black and white portrait, a posed head shot and she looked amazing. Really beautiful woman, with the most incredible eyes! Looking at her, you can see exactly where Jake gets that "look" from. I used to think well, Jake looks just like dad. Then I saw mom's picture and realized, he looks a lot like his mother, too! Happy Birthday, Exalted One!! (And she's a brilliant writer, too.)

Anonymous said...

Jake looks awfully damned sexy in the Rendition stills!

Anonymous said...

That UNderdog idea is really growing on me. How about a stylized, graphic novel approach, with "Jake as Underdog and his 300." Then he could wear a leather codpiece along with his cape, and no one would notice his arms.

Anonymous said...

On other internet forums there is much being made of the Rendition photos...at least a few of them.
I'm thinking of Beyonce' "to the left...to the left..." but in Jake's case, I'd say "to the right..." I cannot wait to see this movie!!! Will someone plz contact Gavin Hood about the "Shower" clause in Jake's contract?

Prophecy Girl said...

^^^ What "other internet forums?" Just out of curiosity.

Don't worry. We'll post. We just gotta spread these things out because the news is few and far between...and it took me like an hour to (badly) Photoshop that stuff so it's staying up a little longer. ;)

Anonymous said...

1:00 AM here. I'm concerned. There seems not to be uniformity about the "shower" clause. It's much too hit and miss. For every Moonlight Mile and Jarhead, there's a Proof and a BBM. I think there needs to be uniformity. I am petitioning JW to develop an Act of Uniformity for a shower clause to be placed in the contract for ALL of Jake's films. We cannot assume Jake will always shower in his movies. We have to be sure.So we need official legal language and we need it ASAP. Do you think Agent Davenport could draft it???She's a legal genius I thought.

welliwont said...

^^^Anon 1:51 I second your motion wholeheartedly! Agent Davenport are you out there?

Anonymous said...

PG, might have been the DCForum, but someone suggested that Jake was "going commando" again, in a couple of the Rendition pics. Not wanting to rush to judgement, I have examined the pictures in question very carefully...I can see where you might think that...Go Jake!

Anonymous said...

Should we start some kind of prayer vigil for Jake so that he has his people respond and flatly DENY that Jake will be either Spiderman or Captain Marvel??? I know something even better will turn up...personally, I'm holding out for "Underdog and His 300."

phoebe said...

Downside: Two words: Tobey Maguire.

LMFAO!!!

Awesome post. And the last pic of Jake? *THUD*

heddaparsons said...

After reading up a bit on Captain Marvel, I just have one piece of advice for Jake: DON'T DO IT!! I hope that this is just a rumor because Captain Marvel sounds beyond lame.

heddaparsons said...

It's only a rumor, YES!!!


http://johnaugust.com.nyud.net:8080/archives/2007/regarding-the-gyllenhaal-rumor

Prophecy Girl said...

^^^ Ah, excellent job! I just updated the post. Thanks. :)

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