THE NOT ENTIRELY TRUE STORY OF JAKE'S LIFE

Anneka's back! Yay! And she still hasn't figured out how to use Blogger! Yay!

Now, a week or so ago, there was a 'biography' of Jake on the 'Biography' Channel. A lot of people emailed me begging me to capture it in some kind of video format but I like letting people down so I didn't record it. What I did do though was ask Anneka to watch it for me and make detailed notes. And she did. God bless her. So, if you haven't watched it or if you have but would like to read about it then knock yourself out. Obviously it's not an accurate portrayal of Jake's life, in fact, they seem to have fabricated most of it because we all know THIS is Jake's true life story but, whatever.

And if you're one of those people who can't read beyond one paragraph I suggest you go and frolic on a spaghetti junction. Give the local law enforcement officers something to do. Only messin' with ya! Look, I rolled it up so it won't hurt your brains!

Welcome back to Anneka’s Picture House. Parking may be limited.

Today children, we’re going to have a history lesson. No, it’s not going to involve the words ‘Hitler’s Four-Year-Plan’. This is a kind of history we’re all interested in – Jake History! How many more of us would have taken A-Level History if we spent a term on Jake? Well, not on Jake…

After a fierce letter-writing campaign from those at Jake Watch and affiliated organisations, The Biography Channel have finally accepted the great Jake Gyllenhaal into their illustrious hall of fame which includes the likes of Danielle Steel and Shania Twain, and have dedicated half an hour detailing his rise from moderate rags to mucho riches. So settle back and prepare to learn all they have to teach us about the wonder that is Gyllenhaal Junior. There will be a “Pop-Quiz Hotshot” at the end and the most intelligent student will win a Kit-Kat. That somebody else will provide.

Before the extravaganza begins, we have an advert for people who want their vision fixed. They have a special offer for pirates – only £595 per eye. There’s also a cheesy advert for yet another Motown CD collection. How can Michael Jackson be bankrupt when he’s on EVERY Motown CD ever made at least twice? Oh that’s right, them lawsuits.

Here we go. The announcer calls Jake “the dah-ling of the tabloids”. That’s a bit Stephen Fry. Young-Hollywood-Awards Jake Complete With Tufty Hair tells us he’ll keep doing it until he can’t do it no more. Damn it, he’s talking about acting. And then he’ll find another vocation. Seems like he wants to be the next Olsen twin. Those girls got their fingers in every pie. Except they never actually eat the pie.

Uber-cute shot of Mini-Cowboy Jake Complete With Hat And Lasso. Man, he knew what he wanted to be when he grew up. Apparently, his fans describe themselves as “Gyllen-holics”. I always thought we were just called plain “Stay the hell away from me or so help me God!” Voice-Over Man tells us Jake’s films often represent his ethics - all Bubble Boys should be set free to find their girlfriends and Jake will fight for that right.

Jake tells us he’s in the business because his family is in the business. Is his brother Fredo sleeping with the fishes? Then comes the bit Jake will see again on This Is Your Life. Dennis Quaid sings his praises, saying he’s got a great future ahead of him. Quaid knows. Next is a rather heavily made-up Jena Malone calling him amazing. Malone knows too. And the guest of honour – “You played his lover while you should have been tending sheep and you’re also Godfather to his baby. That’s right, it’s your pal Heath Ledger.” Heath couldn’t have asked for a better actor or a nicer person on Brokeback Mountain. ‘Cos Christian Slater’s too old for that gig now.

Cue Jake Sporting A Bit Of A Quiff receiving a kiss from Jamie Lee Curtis, his Godmother. Voice-Over Man tells us that Jake’s family ties helped him out in a cut-throat business. Loan-sharking.

This is what I love about The Biography Channel. They get in complete randoms to tell us stuff that they’ve guessed about famous people they’ve never met. Maybe I should get a job with them. Anyway, Mike Goodridge of Screen International, tells us Jake has been playing stimulating provocative roles since he was a teenager and this, along with his good looks – good looks? Hadn’t noticed - have helped make him the Hollywood A-Lister he is today.

Born Jacob Benjamin Gyllenhaal on 19th December 1980 in Los Angeles, Jake had the unfortunate burden thrust upon him of receiving the ‘combined-Birthday-and-Christmas-presents’. Uber-Cute Mini-Cowboy Jake returns, saying his parents helped him out a lot. Like giving him his bath, putting him to bed. Apparently he was offered a lot of movies that his parents turned down. Oh Papa Gyllenhaal! If Jake wanted to be in Nightmare on Elm Street 17, you shouldn’t have stood in his way!

Jake played Billy Crystal’s son in City Slickers. I’ve only ever seen City Slicker 2. There was some sitting on of cacti which I enjoyed a lot. Mini Jake says he learned acting from Billy Crystal. Hmmmmm. Mini-Jake also says he likes it when people come up to him and compliment him. Take note people. If you compliment him first, your chances of getting him in your car are highly improved. Mini-Jake says he likes riding horses but he’s not very good at it. Awww, he says he’s scared of horses. Me too Mini-Jake, me too. And we’ve both been to New York. Now we’ve got enough in common that we’ll still have something to talk about after the wedding.

Mini-Jake then partakes in a little circus freakery in the form of making his shoulder pop out. He says he’s double-jointed. Always good to know things like that about the men you admire/stalk. Mini-Jake hopes he can do more movies like that. So how come he wasn’t involved in City Slickers 2? He could have sat on cacti like anyone’s business.
Shot of Jake with some bad lighting that makes his skin look green. Voice-Over Man names two films I never knew existed and will now somehow have to find the means of reviewing. Thanks a lot Voice-Over Man. His father directed A Dangerous Woman, his mother wrote A Dangerous Woman. Wonder how Jake got a part in A Dangerous Woman, eh? Wish my mother had written Moonlight Mile. Damn her nine-til-five job that kept her away from screenwriting. Jake was also in another film directed by his father, Home-Grown and was very successful in October Sky, which might be one of my new favourite Jake films.

Jake’s best friend from Screen International pops up again to inform us that in October Sky, Jake proved he could hold his own with big actors like Chris Cooper and Laura Dern. What? The blonde from Jurassic Park? The Screen International guy simpers over the fabulousness of Jake. Man, I hate people who do that.

Voice-Over Man tells us Jake attended Columbia University but dropped out after two years. And then they do the most hilarious thing ever – they cut to Jake in his Bubble Boy suit. I am hard pressed not to fall of the sofa laughing. I have the utmost respect for Bubble Boy, it’s fantastic but the way they cut from college to Bubble Boy makes it look as if Jake dropped out of Columbia in order to go gallivanting around in a plastic bubble.

Mini-Jake has grown up a lot and evolved-Pokemon style into Handsome Clean-Shaven Jake. He tells us about the metaphor behind Bubble Boy – everyone’s in their own little bubble, physical or not. This deep thought is followed by a shot of Mini-Me Verne Troyer beating the shit out of Jake’s bubble. I really have got to give props to the editor. Jake then makes a bit of a weird comment, saying that the movie is an equally offending movie. It’s nice to know Jake considers the offensiveness of scripts when picking them.

Really cute shot of Jake being the goldfish in his bubble on Halloween in Bubble Boy. The producer of Bubble Boy emphasizes that Jimmy needed heart and charm inside his bubble and that they saw so many young men before they found Jake on a Saturday morning, watching his cartoons with his Cheerios. Okay, maybe it was at a casting session. The director knew Jake was the guy for him two minutes after he met him. Me too Blair Hayes, me too.

Voice-Over Man says Jake learnt to act inside the bubble. But I thought he learnt to act from Billy Crystal? Jake also says he learnt to lip-read inside the bubble. Anyone else wanna go to Bubble University? Seems like it’s the place to learn stuff. He also does his squeaky Jimmy voice. Awwww. Why did that bimbo from Bubble Boy run off with the other guy? Oh yeah, ‘cos he wasn’t in a bubble. Jake announces his motivation came from the bubble. Man, he loves that bubble. Shot of Jake being helped into his bubble by someone in floral poncho while Voice-Over Man reveals the tricks of the movie business – while filming Bubble Boy, they didn’t really go to Niagara Falls! Holy shitting God.

Voice-Over Man mocks Jake by describing Donnie Darko as a disturbed teenager who follows the voice of a six foot rabbit. I hate people who mock Jake’s films, really I do. Jake is a little more rugged now and he’s discovered hair product. He’s looking like Jared Leto here. Hope that’s not going to continue as Jared Leto apparently has gout. Jake says Donnie Darko is the anti-teen movie because it deals with isolation. I think the bubble metaphor has gone to his head. Donnie Darko was shot in 28 days on a budget of less than 5 million dollars. Man, I can make a film like that! All I need is a copy of David Soul’s Don’t Give Up On Us Baby, a backdrop of Paris and a small aubergine. Jake says he did research on schizophrenia, but then put it all aside. That’s the kind of research I like – “Yeah I looked at some stuff, but I didn’t use it.” It’s like, invisible research.

Donnie Darko got Jake nominated for an Independent Spirit Award. Is that like something out of Bring It On? And it won him a Young Hollywood Award too. Thank you giant talking rabbit. While Jake is saying it’s great to be acknowledged, there’s an oddly effeminate photo of Hayden Christensen behind him in a black polo neck. Interesting. Screen International is back, saying Donnie Darko helped Jake’s career because it was a cult movie. God I’m glad Screen International is here. Who would have realised things like this without him? Voice-Over Man tells us that Jake started to get cast in romantic roles. Like in the dreams of teens world-wide.
Adverts. Christ. James Blunt has also been allowed a spot on the Biography Channel. I am fighting the urge not to change channels. Or be sick.

Back to Jake. He had a role in Lovely and Amazing with a girl with lank hair. Then The Good Girl came along. There’s Jake and there’s that one out of Friends. Jake in Grey T-shirt Looking Hot says the writer and director wouldn’t let him have any control during filming. That’s because that’s the director’s job, Jake. Actors act, or try to, and directors direct, or try to. The director tells us they tried to make The Good Girl like a prison movie. Well, you forgot a couple of props there mate, like orange jumpsuits and posters obtained by Morgan Freeman. Hey, prison is like a bubble too! Jake really did have it right. We’re all in bubbles, physically or metaphorically. I feel like I’m really learning things about life from this thirty-minute epic.
Jake and that one off Friends are playfully playing with one another. Jake announces he’s gonna go and play her on Friends while she says she’s gonna play Donna Darko. Jake laughs so it must be funny. Jake asks her if she can do ‘the look’. That one off Friends asks him if he can carry off her haircut. Not really but it would have been more interesting than “I’ll work on it”.

Now it’s White Shirt Jake’s turn to get all excited about working with people on Moonlight Mile - Mr Focker and the whiny repressed one from Rocky Horror Picture Show. The girl. Jake gets a little rambly about working with stars, concluding with “sometimes you just gotta slap yourself in the face and just keep going”. Jake hopes the film makes us want to make real connections with people. Damn it, he’s not talking about himself. Somehow Jake got himself invited to Susan Sarandon’s Walk of Fame star ceremony. He looks a bit uncomfortable though as everyone else there seems to be press or family.

Okay, here she comes. Drumroll please, it’s Kirsten. I was wondering when she’d put in an appearance. On kissing scenes, Kirsten says Jake doesn’t care, “he’s my man”. Not anymore love, despite all your desperate attempts to rekindle romance by shagging in cars like a common hussy. Thank you News of The World.

On The Day After Tomorrow, Little Bit Of A Five O’Clock Shadow Jake says we should not only leave having had fun, but taking the message of the film with us. What, that even if the world does end, it won’t matter ‘cos we can still all move to Mexico? He also thinks that the father-son relationship is a microcosm for the neglect that we have shown the world. So the family bubble represents the whole! Let’s see if we can get any more bubble metaphors in. Jake’s character in the film was originally supposed to be an eleven year old. But when it was discovered that Jake, despite his amazing acting abilities could not accurately portray an eleven year old, they changed their minds.

Unfortunately after The Day After Tomorrow, Jake and Kirsten split up. Awwwww. No that’s a sincere awwwww. We want Jake to be happy, even if it is with people other than ourselves. However, they accompany the break-up fact with Jake looking quite cosy with some random on the red carpet. Really, no need to rub it in Kirsten’s face, Editing Man. But Jake was too busy being in Proof to mourn Kirsten. Voice-Over Man rather rudely says that “while his character is good at maths, Jake’s talents lie elsewhere”. Cheeky SOB. Jake says maths was his worst class at school – he got a B minus. Hands up who’d like a B minus to be their worst grade at school? Jake says he did some more invisible research and that mathematicians are just like everybody else. Except better at maths presumably. Ooooh, hot shot of Jake in glasses and blue jumper while in Proof. He’s apologising so I hope he just knocked Gwyneth over. That’ll show her for naming her kids after fruit and biblical beardy men.

Screen International is back, saying Jarhead elevated Jake to a heart-throb. “He was naked in a lot of the film, he had this incredibly worked-out body.” I think Screen International likes Jake. You know, like likes Jake. Quick mention of Lord Saarsgaard and Lady Gyllenahaal’s engagement and then Voice-Over Man makes Jake sound inept by describing how “he chipped a tooth by hitting himself in the face with a rifle”. I’m sure it’s easy to do Voice-Over Man. I mean britpopbaby managed it on a mug which is far less dangerous than a gun. Voice-Over Man continues “But he had a lot to smile about with his next film”. Because he got to play tonsil tennis with Heath Ledger.

More adverts. Cliff Richard’s biography a guilty pleasure? When has pleasure ever been a word anyone associated with Cliff Richard? And why do people always pick homicidal-looking men to advertise cleaning products, like Barry Scott? The Biography Channel is also advertising the voices behind the animated movies with a picture of the tiger from Aladdin. Was he voiced by Ben Affleck?

Final bit of Jake. The screenwriter of Brokeback Mountain did not think about the homosexual acts. That bit must have been hard to write then. Sexy Bearded Oscar Nominated Jake is not impressed with the ‘Gay Cowboy Movie’ title. Because it’s called Brokeback Mountain, all right? If we’d wanted it known as ‘The Gay Cowboy Movie’, it’s what we would have put on the posters. Ang Lee chose Jake and Heath. Who wouldn’t? Heath thinks Jake gave a heartbreaking performance. Awwww. Shot of Jake playing with a familiar looking puppy-dog. That’s right, Snoopy.

Heath says it doesn’t matter if the cowboys are gay. Surely it does, the film wouldn’t really have worked the same way if they’d been straight all the way through. I think what he’s trying to say is that it’s a universal love story. Yup, that’s it. Ang says Jake’s a classic romantic lead and that he and Heath make a great couple. Bet he never said that about Kirsten.

The Oscar Nomination Luncheon? Fish and chips on a wall not good enough for Oscar nominees? Jake runs on stage to receive his nomination and then tries to walk off but is dragged back for a photo. How embarrassing. Ooooh, shots of Jake in Zodiac. He has a moustache, though not as much moustache as in the 70s section of Brokeback Mountain. Screen International says Jake’s only going to get bigger and bigger. Hope not or he won’t fit in his jeans.

Awww, that’s the end. Still, I think we all learned a lot here and are very grateful for the Biography Channel’s celebration of Jake. See you next week when it’s Jude Law. Then again, maybe I’ll just watch paint dry instead.