It's here. The biggest crisp in the bag that is award ceremonies: The BAFTAs. Unfortunately, our beloved leaders Britpopbaby and Prophecy Girl are still MIA - we've got Gary Sinise taking their calls. Meanwhile, Number Six is on an Equality and Diversity course and the JW petty cash does not spring to a TV - it has enough trouble keeping the mini-bar stocked. However, Number Six kindly left us some login codes and we've invited Anneka back to give you the juciest Jake tidbits of the BAFTAs night festivities.
Anneka here Jake fans! Seems I've already missed much of the entertainment on E! as I had to go on a booze run, but one can always trust the Beeb to repeat things until they lose all possible coherence; take Christmas specials of The Vicar or Dibley
for example. Anyway, I'm going to be your correspondent for the evening, or until I get bored. Please be patient with me as not only do I have no idea what I'm doing - my JW IT course isn't until next month - but my TV and computer are in opposing areas of my house. At least I should lose some of my pre-BAFTA party weight by legging it up and down the stairs. Have another drink and stay tuned!
00:00 Jake is spotted mingling with sexy celebrities, signing the papers of the less-fortunate-non-celebrities. He’s avoided the powder-blue tux and gone for the classic black – in mourning for BPB and PG.
00:06 Breaking news! ! ! Jake loves ‘Babel’. He rhymes it with gabble, in honour of the British way of pronouncing it, as he is in Britain.
00:07 Jake politely smiles at a rubbish Jonathon Ross joke. What a gent. Don’t worry Jake, you’ll have plenty of opportunity to smile at Ross’ rubbish jokes. It'll improve your acting skills.
Oooooh. Ross is stood in front of the word Jake. That was our doing.
00:08 Jake chortles at a stinging Mel Gibson joke. Okay, so will we then. Ha ha ha!
00:09 Shot of Kirsten Dunst in Marie Antoinette with American accents
, with come hither look behind a fan. It’s no good Kirsten. He’s seen it all before.
00:11 Yay! A British film won Best British Film! Take that all you other countries!
00:12 My bad. Ross is in fact stood in front of the word ‘make’, not Jake. It’s okay. We’ll have the set designer sent to Coventry. Or Alaska.
00:15 Eva Green wins Rising Star award and accepts looking like the love child of a vampire and a drag queen. Hang on…she’s FRENCH! When did that happen?
00:17 I love The Departed
. And this song by the Dropkick Murphys. Everyone buy it now. What do you mean it’s not out in the UK yet?
00:20 Wow, Ross is really going in on the Gibson bashing tonight. He’s just made a Mayan ‘Sugar-tits’ joke.
00:20 Pan’s Labyrinth
wins best Foreign Language film. The acceptee says he is too fat for such excitement and then makes a joke about Britons being repressed alcoholics. Why didn’t they get this guy to host the awards? He’s far funnier than Ross.
00:22 Damien Lewis – the world’s hottest ginger actor. Lindsey Lohan, you’re fooling no-one.
00:24 Children of Men
wins Best Cinematography. Good for them.
, Jake’s recommended film. But it hasn’t got that Sailor Peg song by the Dropkick Murphys. Surely that makes it a lesser film.
00:28 Whoa, Billy Elliot grew up didn’t he!
00:30 Red Row
wins the Carl Foreman award. My Dad wins the George Foreman award.
00:33 Awww, Little Abigail Breslin is sitting attentively.
00:36 Best Supporting Actor goes to Alan Arkin for Little Miss Sunshine
. He has not showed up. He’s playing in the snow in Wales.
00:40 Music award. Have you not been listening? DROPKICK MURPHYS!!!!
00:44 Dammit. Achievement in Film Music award goes to Babel
. At least Jake will be pleased.
00:45 Excellent short film by Alex Garcia in which a Grandad drops dead in his birthday cake.
00:46 Simon Pegg! That’s almost like a Sailor Peg! Sorry, I’ll stop.
00:50 Best Original Screenplay goes to Little Miss Sunshine
. The winner is out playing in the snow with Alan Arkin, so Simon Pegg steals his award. Go see Simon Pegg’s new film Hot Fuzz
cos it looks awesome.
00:54 Best Animated Film goes to Happy Feet
. Let’s hear it for them dancing penguins. No way their going back to the zoo now.
00:57 Bloody hell, Pan’s Labryinth
00:58 Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest
wins best special effects. Did Bill Nighy not grow that squid beard himself?
00:60 Twenty minute break for the news I’m afraid guys. There hasn’t been enough Jake for anyone’s liking. We’ll page Ross and see if he can’t create an award for Best Scene with a Table for Jake to present. Or be funnier.
01:20 Ross announces the sexiest man in the room. I tense, ready to scream girlishly. But it’s Daniel Craig. Bloody hell Ross.
01:22 I hope Abigail Breslin wins best supporting actress. Just because she’s sweet and they just showed a clip in which she was in tears saying she didn’t want to be a loser. And BAFTAs shouldn’t make small children cry. Grown-ups, fine, but not kids.
01:23 It goes to Jennifer Hudson for Dreamgirls
who is absent. Did no-one show up to collect their awards this year? Jake showed up and he’s not even getting an award. That’s dedication Hudson. Take note.
01: 27 Best Adapted Screenplay goes to The Last King of Scotland
01:33 Uh, what is with Emily Watson’s dress?
01:34 Outstanding Contribution to British Film goes to a location manager who decided that the scene in which Parliament blows up in V for Vendetta
would be filmed in Parliament Square. Hmmm.
01:38 Achievement in Direction goes to United 93
01:46 Thandie Newton appears to be wearing a dress I’ve seen before. People, just because she’s MIA does not mean people can start auctioning Britpop’s dresses on the internet. She’s gonna need them when she comes back.
01:49 Best Actor goes to Forrest Whittaker for The Last King of Scotland
01:50 I mishear Forrest Whitaker and think he is thanking his cats. My Dad informs me “CAST you moron!”
01:51 Forrest finishes his speech and walks away. Then remembers he forgot to thank his wife and runs back. Awwwww.
01:52 Thank the Saarsgaards! Jake’s coming to present Best Actress. Jake politely smiles at Ross’ joke about camping in regards to BBM. One of our newer agents loses control of herself and screams “WE LOVE YOU JAKE!” from the back of the hall. She is promptly taken outside and given a swift kicking.
01:53 Jake is foxy looking man, delivering his speech with poise and pizzazz. Then he makes a joke – “Any of these performances would be worthy of this guy”, whilst pointing to himself, then pretends he was talking about the award. He acknowledges the Ross-ness of this joke and does a really sweet fake laugh, head bobbing back and forth, eyes squeezed shut, before returning to a deadpan “Here are the nominees.” THAT’S HOW IT’S DONE ROSS!
01: 56 It’s Helen Mirren. Dammit, Jake’s gonna have to kiss her and we’re gonna have to have her killed. It’s so damn tragic. Wait, hang on. Jake’s a complete pro and just manhandles her waist before handing her the award. No kiss. Mirren gets to fight another day.
01:58 Jake hangs around in the back politely waiting for Mirren to finish her very long speech.
02.08 Dammit. The Queen
wins Best Film. But I suppose she’d be peeved if she didn’t win. She’d stop giving out knighthoods and stuff.
02:15 Anne V Coates wins Outstanding Contribution. Good for her. She goes on to give a longer speech than Mirren.
02:19 Ross thanks us all. While all the other awards are quickly presented before our very eyes, our agents move on to the after party to keep Jake away from the tuna vol-u-vents.
That's all folks. Thanks for bearing with my technical problems of the last half hour. Let's all go get wasted and sing the Sailor Peg song!