Wednesday, February 28, 2007


Just Jared! Let's make babies! He has Jake on Conan and Jake on Good Morning America HERE.
Sorry there was no live blog last night but sometimes Number Six has to wash the cat and hover the drapes. But of course, we can always recap the highlights because it's almost the same...

0.00 Jake enters the Conan studio raring to go. A question we never asked is immeadiately answered; what is that suit made of? Pure love? Cashmere and goat's blood?

1.30 Jake wisely states that the Oscars shouldn't freak you out by transporting you back to your high school days and an ill-advised experiment with modern dance. But they do.

3.11 I think Jake gets the Ramona time scale wrong. She wears organic diapers made of bananas and straw. I think it's a joke.

4.15 She's really going to thank you for this anecdote in the future Uncle Jake.

5.30 They have fruit in Morocco...and turtles, and rabbits and birds.

6.19 Don't touch the toads!

7.05 "It was just like, 'ribbet'"

8.58 The now famous 'Pong' Scene from Zodiac. RDJ gets into drink and drugs and lives in a house boat...and so does his character in Zodiac.

9.14 Lance was on this too!...and the end.

Good Morning America
0.08 The scary blonde lady is fangirling Jake with witch boots. Number Six puts the pieces together and is not happy.

1.00 Jake is wearing a really blue jacket. After the Conan statement I'm going to assume it's made from pieces of sky and blueberries.

1.11 Look, Jake just wants to sing.

2.05 We're talking about hair...Gywneth's hair. I feel now would be a good time for a major media outlet to address Eva Green's hair from the Baftas but they don't.

2.57 Real pictures from the Zodiac murders. Nice for morning TV! Enjoying your cornflakes, there?

3.35 Zodiac clip that is not the 'Pong' scene: Jake and Chloe need to know a lot of things. Number Six needs to know why they made Chloe Sevigny look like that for this film. I know it was the 70's but come on.

4.10 Jake seems to think fax machines and cell phones would have solved the Zodiac murders. Er, how about Lt Dan?

4.50 Coming up next and ex-con chef. Oh my freakin' god, Jake will love that!

Jake was also on TRL in which he stood three feet away from Ally of IHJ and managed to keep his cool. He also claimed to have written rhymes for MIMS and loves him some Dirrrty. You can watch it at in the Media Section.

Anything else? Oh yeah, Jake on Jon Stewart tonight. We're going to buck the trend and do a 24-hours-later live blog for reasons that must remain confidential at this time.

Pics from JustJared and


...but there is too much Jake and just too little time! Plus, these pictures aren't interesting at all but it's been so long since we had pap pics they just had to be posted. Had to! And what pains me is that we all know with one hand the Big G giveth and then soon, with the other, he shall taketh away.

Pics from celebritynation

Tuesday, February 27, 2007


No, seriously, it's fine. We're cool. No, really. Girl in the stripey green sweater? Does she run a blog about you? Probably not. Just saying.

I have no idea what happened here as I, back-catalouging The Blatant Stalking Files. I guess they shot the breeze, played some Justin Timberlake, screamed a lot, played some Gwen Stefani, hugged and went home.

NOTE: JW won't be doing a live recap of Conan tonight because Number Six has to get up too early in the morning to stay up that late. I predict lots more witty posts in your future to make up for this...


OK, before we get to what went on during Letterman, let's take a look at what was going on before Letterman:

Ah, yes. Jake arrives in his very best suit-and-scarf ensemble and the crowd goes wild!

Still he walks along (is he looking for someone?) while countless desperate fans throw things at him...but will he stop to sign anything?

Yes. He will. He will also look over his shoulder desperately searching the crowds for Prophecy Girl, but somehow, we just can't get the timing right for those two crazy kids. Did no one tell him she was in Me-he-co?

Off topic: Stephen Colbert most definitely mentioned the "Brokeback Mountain fiasco of last year" at the end of "The Daily Show." Well played, Colbert. At this rate, we'll have you at full agent status in no time.

Where were we? Ah, yes. The actual Letterman interview. 8 minutes in, Dave mentions Jake will be on the show and an unidentified male in the audience bellows out his approval in a show of enthusiasm that puts us all to shame. Stephen is that you?

Then Jake comes out and it all happens very, very fast! The basics:

- Jake switched ties on us.

- Dave immediately brings up Jake's parents. Huh. I was actually just joking about Stephen above, but now that joke is even funnier. Ha ha.

- Jake, unprovoked, brings up dropping out of college. I'd say his attitude towards that is "glib."

- Jake lists off the immunizations he had to get to go to Morocco but as it turns out, most of them he just got for the hell of it. He's psychosomatic like that.

- Jake mentions not wearing clothes and being cold. This ties into the immunization and psychosomatic-ness mentioned above.

- Discussion turns to the fire over Xmas that was actually really scary. Turns out Stephen dashed out of his burning cabin with an empty suitcase. Stephen you're everywhere in this interview! And not terribly helpful during a fire.

- Jake then recounts a very awkward story about his dad not wearing any underwear at the time of the fire. He adds that his mother was also commando, but I can't tell if he's joking. I'm kinda thinking no, in which case wow. Lots of information there.

- Throughout, there's this weird interaction between Jake and Paul Shaffer, who coins the term "Bu" but in reference to "Malibu" and not Jake's long-lost puggle.

- Dave had no idea who Jake plays in Zodiac. He jokingly asks if Jake plays the Zodiac killer but my mom thought that for months and she was dead serious, so it is possible to make that mistake.

- At the end, they play the scene from the movie with Jake in the kitchen with his kids. Aw! And then it's over.

Wow, that was a lot of weirdness in a short amount of time. I'm sure it'll be up on YouTube in no time and this post will revert to being somewhat useless. OK, bedtime!

Thanks to JustJared for the pictures (in case the watermarks didn't give it away).

UPDATE: Thanks to Just Jared for sending us a link to the video! Take a look at the Gyllenbaffle:

Monday, February 26, 2007


As you may be aware the ultimate episode of The Day After Tomorrow Never Dies was posted on Friday and now a slight pong of disappointment is whafting through JW HQ as this freaky fun rollercoaster ride of cinematic glee is over. This aura of chagrin was somewhat heightened by the fact that TDATND was shockingly snubbed last night by the Academy despite Madame Swiss paying off both George Clooney and Dame Judi Dench in turnips. We sent Peter Sarsgaard along and everything.

Anyway, cheer the bejesus up kids because the The Day After Tomorrow Never Dies : Music From The Original Motion Picture aka The Soundtrack is here!!

1. A Tribute To Brokeback Mountain by Glen Campbell
Played over credits. Listen to the words, they say so much.

2. Chillingly Bond-esque Scene-setting Music by Portishead
Played at various points throughout the movie to remind people we're all stealth and mysterious and shit.

3. The Pina Coloda Song by Rupert Holmes
Just be-freaking-cause.

4. The Kitty Song by The Racontuers
Ooo, she's unsure!

5. An Ode to Prophecy Girl by The Beatles

6. The Ed Marrakesh Theme Song
Just in case the volcano lair wasn't enough of a clue.

7. Nobody Does It Better (than Jake Watch) by Carly Simon

8. The Pain of Edward by Johnny Cash
Those high school days were tough, man.

9. britpopbaby's Motivation Ditty by Paul McCartney and Wings

10. The Helicopter and Aviator Lense Song by Kayne West

11. Woah O! There's Trouble At Jake Watch by Razorlight

12. Jake's Most Favouritist Song EVER! by Fiddy Cent
Delightfully sexist!

13. The Name of The Game by Abba
Can be applied to any number of events that have occured in the movie.

14. Not So Gender Neutral Song of Dedication by The Proclaimers

15. Send In The Clowns* by Grace Jones
* not currently featured because iTunes is a bitch.

EDIT: Blogger is being a little whore and won't allow the HTML for the music player so you'll have to visit the official Soundtrack page to hear all of the above HERE instead.

Sunday, February 25, 2007


Yeah, there is no Oscar coverage. We're boycotting, because we hold grudges like that. But let us know if Jake shows up! Or if hell freezes over and someone wins an award for portraying a fictional character.


I wasn't planning on writing about either of these shows, but as soon as I heard Naomi called "Nora" on the TV Guide channel, I figured it would be unethical if I didn't at least come up with some kind of snarky commentary. Aside from some really interesting behind-the-scenes footage, TV Guide's "Close Up" on Jake Gyllenhaal looked like they put about as much effort into their special as I did into writing a summary of it. The least you need to know in 5 sentences:

1. Whitney Cummings (who the hell are you?) gets an exorbitant amount of screen time and 30 minutes in, reveals she doesn't know how old Jake is.

2. There's a bit where Jake gets really excited about The Day After Tomorrow and then compares his life to Teen Wolf.

3. Perez Hilton (how the fuck did he get in this?!) tackles The Gay Rumors and later talks about Jarhead in a really uncomfortable way.

4. There's some Zodiac stuff we've all already seen.

5. Before commercial breaks, TV Guide challenges viewers with insultingly easy Gyllentrivia, and then throws in a question about how much Jack Twist's shirt sold for on eBay, like that's something the average person on the street knows off the top of their head.

Er, points for effort, TV Guide, but I think you meant to interview someone from Jake Watch and not Perez Hilton. I can't really excuse such a mistake.

Moving on to a show that's much more dimly lit, "America's Most Wanted!" I've never watched "America's Most Wanted" before. I was always more of an "Unsolved Mysteries" person. Completely not on topic, I know. Hey, that summary thing worked pretty well, don't you think? Let's try it again. With more sentences.

1. Oooh, lots of dramatized reenactments! And actual Zodiac evidence! I'm duly impressed.

2. Robert Graysmith talks exactly like he writes.

3. Man, the movie scenes just keep on coming. Jake and The Most Dangerous Game! Jake Against the Wall! Jake Manhandling a Child! Jake in a Shooting Range! Jake Eating Carrots! Jake Flipping Through Posters! (veeveevee is on top of things yet again! Click HERE and HERE.)

4. Jake wore Robert Graysmith's clothes and used his pens. That piece of trivia, I did not know.

5. Those Zodiac interviews from last week are getting some serious play tonight.

6. There's an entire segment on handwriting analysis. Always riveting television. Viewers are then encouraged to go online and solve unsolvable Zodiac ciphers.

7. Arthur Leigh Allen is cleared of being the Zodiac because his upward loops don't have ink spots. Isn't that who "Primetime" cleared through DNA analysis? I think "Primetime" might have had the upper hand on that one.

And that's it. Two hours, 12 succinctly written points of interest, and not a whole hell of a lot of Jake. I guess I shouldn't complain, though, since he's going to be live on every show on television in the next week.

Thursday, February 22, 2007


In fact, it's here (or, more precisely, HERE). So with the final installment of The Day After Tomorrow Never Dies now released to the public, there's only one thing to do. Start putting solitations in magazines for major awards. We're off to a great start with this full page ad in Variety today:
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And because this movie is so revolutionary, we decided to hit up the television industry for some nominations, too. Just in case they felt like giving us something.
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Basically we'll take any award we're given. We wouldn't say no to a Nobel Peace Prize, even, if it was offered to us (we've heard some talk, that's all we're saying...).

Part 4 is up in two segments, so be sure to catch both. If you haven't been reading along, I think now would be a good time to get in on this. The ending might be important. *wink*wink*nudge*nudge*

ANOTHER SAD DAY... at the Jake Watch Headquarters. We were sorting through some stuff in britpopbaby's office today and came across this:

Jake's Official Schedule. britpopbaby and Prophecy Girl always did such a professional job of keeping him informed on where he needed to be...class acts, those two. Too bad they were kidnapped and all that. We'd better work on getting a copy to Jake before he misses something important.

Tuesday, February 20, 2007


With the promotional workload building, Jake Gyllenhaal suddenly realised there was one place he'd neglected to include in his domiance of the media schedule Feburary through, Jake Watch! (famed for it's provoking, sensationalist, gin-soaked journalism).

Jake arrived at our top secret Headquarters, that may or may not be situated out back at the Sprinkles cupcake store, this morning and ready to give the high-brow interview of a lifetime. But Jake Watch said, 'No.....would it be okay if you could just respond to our questions with facial expressions because what with britpopbaby and ProphecyGirl still missing and all the cupcakes we need to bake we're a little short on time for the Gyllenbaffle?'

So, we've all been waiting to see Zodiac since about 1987 now. Can you tell us what's in store??
Cool. It's been described as a horror movie by some. How scary is it exactly?
Well, we'd love to sit here all day and discuss your career but like I mentioned we're a little short on time, pal. Can you just give us what we want?
Oooo, you're too good to us Gyllenhaal! Is being an international sex-baguette as difficult as we hear it is?
Oh come on now! You LOVE IT.
Well, that's all Jake had time for. His eyebrows were hurting.


You know how Jake loves politics? Well, ever ready to follow in the man's footsteps (excerise regime aside) Jake Watch would like to take this opportunity to encourage every UK reader to be all democratic and shit.

Tony Blair (grade A hufter) is trying to make the good citizens of the UK pay per mile for using the roads in a (lame) attempt to cut congestion. The government seems to be oblivious to the fact that people need to use the roads to get to work to earn a living to pay their taxes and aren't just joyriding around at 8.30 in the morning for kicks. And maybe if public transport was more reliable and not full of vomiting tramps people may be encouraged to use it. Anyway I digress, please sign the petition AGAINST this motion before midnight tonight:

It's what Jake would want. If he cared about UK road congestion.

A Jake-related update to follow.

Monday, February 19, 2007


We love Jake interviews; his sentence structure, his nuances, his mind boggingly way of going round in circles until you're not really sure if he's still answering the question or even if you're still reading the same interview. Like maybe if you were left alone in a room with him and he started talking about character interpretation you might get a little scared. Well the following interview is 100% Gyllenbaffle© GOLD. Enjoy.
Nowadays the zodiac is just something that late night 900 ads talk about. Thirty years ago, there was a killer named The Zodiac, whose crimes were so random no cop could catch him. Newspaper cartoonist Robert Graysmith became intrigued by the crimes and wrote a book about them. Jake Gyllenhaal plays him in the movie Zodiac.

How hard is it to play someone who actually exists?
It’s easy now. It’s different with every story, and it’s different with how every director approaches it. I’ve considered characters that I’ve played that aren’t necessarily real people to be people that are still living out there, or have lived, who have struggled with the same things. I think Jack Twist [from Brokeback Mountain] is just as much of a real person as Tony Swofford [from Jarhead]. I approached both in the same way. They’re aspects of every person, everybody’s personality. Particularly with something like Jack Twist, I went and I met with a lot of different cowboys and rode horses and learned how to pack mules and do all those things, and that became a big part of that character for me.

How did you get Graysmith right?
We met many times and he’s been to the set. He was just on set my last day of work. I actually videotaped him and that was a choice of mine. I think it just depends on the story. With Robert Graysmith it’s a different style, because [director] David Fincher is very much into the reality of what happened. He’s filming the murders exactly inch by inch, literally how it happened and where the bodies were, and how they moved, and all those things, so it’s based in a real reality, things that really happened, things they really said, so for me it’s very important to get idiosyncrasies of Robert Graysmith.

How intense is David Fincher?
He’s extraordinary in his own separate, very different way. It’s a totally different universe. I’ve never seen a movie that looks like it. The technical things he is doing are like all new, never been done before. I think that it’s also a different move for him because it’s performance driven too, which is not to say that the other one’s haven’t been but there’s lots of dialogue and all this stuff that he’s dealing with and it’s definitely a different universe.

You’ve done so many serious movies now, you have to do a light romantic comedy next.
I don’t HAVE to do it but if you WANT me to. [Laughs] I would love to. I’m doing this movie about a serial killer and it’s a long movie and it’s a 100-day shoot and I think I need a little humour in my life after this.

A lot of your fans can’t see these R-rated movies, you know.
I’m not trying to pander or not pander to a certain audience. I think that’s pretty clear and I don’t think I make choices thinking like I have some sort of audience. But of course I’ve had a lot of young girls come up to me and they’re so cute and so sweet and I’m so flattered. It happens a lot with them and it’s pretty cool that the same day you’ll go to a street fair and a guy who has no pants on, like his butt cheeks are coming out of his leather pants, and he says he likes my movie too. So it’s a pretty interesting existence.

How do you feel about being a sex symbol?
I don’t know what I am [JW edit: Your a sex symbol Jake, give it up). I really just pick these things. I’m lucky enough to get them. I’ve been the new It guy for a long time.

Do you have time to stop and smell the roses, or are you going nonstop?
I think about doing a play I did on the West End in London and at that time it was the best experience I’ve ever had as an actor and from that spawned a relationship with John Madden who saw me in a play and then the relationship with Sam Mendes who saw me in that play and decided to have me read for Jarhead because of that. It’s just like thinking about all the connections, and meeting David Fincher at the premiere of The Good Girl and having the time that I had on that movie. All those things are always in my mind and it’s so f*cking incredible.

Does coming from a showbiz family make you more competitive?
The standards are pretty low in my family. [Laughs] My family is really easy, just like every family. It’s all easy. We all get along, everything is fantastic and the standards are really high and my parents have always made movies that I think are good. Like my mom’s mantra is that it’s always about the story and I feel really proud of the movies that I’ve done.

Do they give you advice about your choices?
They did, they used to, but they still influence me because of the past but I now have to go and do what my instincts tell me. I still come to them. Like if I was having a problem or difficulty with a scene or I didn’t feel like it was working, I’d call Maggie all the time and say, “I’m feeling this way and I don’t understand.” And she’d say, “It sounds perfect.”

Were you ever tempted to do something different away from acting?
Like being a chef?That’s a temptation and has always been but I started so young that I didn’t realize I was just as passionate about that.

What’s the best thing you can cook?
I think if I were to tell you my best dish it would prove I was a real amateur. There’s people who are not really good cooks but I’m going to be really confident when I say, “Oh, my Milanese is amazing.”

Where do you see yourself in 30 years?
Can I see myself in 30 years? Yeah, God, I hope so. I think age is something that’s earned and I don’t know how I see myself, but I hopefully see myself still here and doing something interesting, whatever it is.


Sunday, February 18, 2007


Zodiac is due for release in the UK on the 20th April 2007 nationwide. My feelings about this can be summed visually with the following photo:
There is even a special UK website that doesn't work HERE. Right on!

And whilst we're on Zodiac...

Cina found a new video clip HERE. PONG, bitches! A classic 80's piece of nostaglia which I'm guessing represents some kind of time transition within the movie, despite Jake still wearing his jacket from the 70's. You don't see TDATND using such cheap tricks.

Friday, February 16, 2007

WHAT?! NO!!!

Somehow, that just never gets old.

Interesting that these started showing up all over the frickin' place...
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...a couple of weeks after THESE started showing up all over the frickin' place!!!!

When will it stop, Paramount?! WHEN?!

Part 3 of the obviously superior of the two films is up NOW (in two segments, so be sure to catch them both)! Read, read, read! And next Friday, don't miss the incredible conclusion of the movie industry's most amazing masterpiece EVER! The Friday after that, you can go see Zodiac in theaters (in some countries), but I think it's just going to be a letdown after the show we've put on for you. It's not our fault we're such unbelievable cinematic geniuses.

For those of you who are interested in that other movie, you might want to check out this fun Zodiac interview.

(We've linked back to JustJared because it appears there was a misunderstanding and No. 6 would like to apologize for defaming JJ yesterday. Sorry! I hope there are no hard feelings!)

Thursday, February 15, 2007


Good day my saucer-eyed sweetlings! It's moi, again, Madame Swiss, here to put rest any scandalous rumors that happen to swirl around the delicate auras of my dear, Jacob. He's such a sweet and sensitive boy that when I heard the latest nonsense (thank you, Senator!) about a supposed dinner date with one spicy Senorita, Penelope Cruz, in the city of cities I could hardly believe my hearing trumpet.

What would Jacob, gentle naive soul that he is, possibly find of interest with such a Latino love scrumpet! She looks likes she could could eat him for breakfast, brunch, lunch and afternoon iced teas! No this simply won't do. I'm not having that chaste cherub trapped in a web of sensual mischief and hot chicken-filled fajita South of the border lovin'. What do you mean she's not Mexican?

And in the infamous words of Mrs Livingston, 'She seems mighty proud of those boobies'.
I'm not even going to start on him for wearing nothing but a woollen and cap in that London climate!

Wednesday, February 14, 2007


Hmm, it seems like things always get a bit dicey around Jake Watch this time of year. Yeah, I'm talking about February 14th and the world's worst holiday. There are just so many of us...and so little of Jake... Who will be Jake's Valentine this year? Especially now that britpopbaby and Prophecy Girl are seemingly out of the running? Thankfully, we've handily solved that problem with the


Male Version
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Female Version
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1. Choose your gender.
2. Print off Valentine corresponding to choice made in Step 1.
3. Cut out white circle reading "Insert Picture Here."
4. Find a particularly flattering picture of yourself.
5. Insert said picture into Valentine tableau.

And voila! You and Jake in a completely legitimate Valentine's Day embrace! It's almost as good as the real deal. Except maybe not.

If you're into horoscopes and shit, Jake Watch recommends trying THIS SITE to map your love relationship with Jake. It's quite comprehensive, but also obviously crap since it said that Number Six would be more committed to Jake than vice versa. Lies, I tell you! Lies!

And speaking of lies...
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TIED with "the couch an a box of chocolates?!" Oh, People Magazine. I think you would find many a dissenter among this crowd.

People scan from IHJ.

Tuesday, February 13, 2007


I don't even know what to say. In what is probably the worst case of dirty advertising EVER, Paramount decided to spring one on us while we were all celebrating our triumph at the BAFTA's. Um, agents? What is this? What. Is. This?!
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I mean, there's no way around it. We have to have an emergency Sock Watch RIGHT FREAKING NOW.
  • COLOR: Dark grey, although the purposefully fuzzy picture quality makes it impossible to rule out black (damn you, Paramount; DAMN YOU!).
  • TYPE: Of the leisure variety.
  • HEIGHT: Perfectly snug at mid-calf.
  • OVERALL STATUS: Conflicted...can we really be this excited about a pair of socks Jake himself likely did not pick out? Survey says? Hell yes.
My God. And it doesn't even stop there. You can actually see Jake running around in his socks HERE. Yes, it's available to watch over and over and over again (if you're into that sort of this which, pssht, I'm totally not!). There are nine Zodiac video clips in all (available to watch HERE) although I have to say that Clips 2 and 4 were really lacking in something...what was it....oh, right. Jake. Not cool, Paramount. You think you can give us the socks and then hope we don't notice that only 7 of the 9 clips feature your headlining actor? Un-be-lievable.

Yeah, I think someone's feeling the pressure now that 50% of The Day After Tomorrow Never Dies has been released and 100% of Zodiac remains behind lock and key, but bribing the audience with gratuitous sock footage?! Too far, my friends. Too far.

And it doesn't even stop there. This promotional thing is pretty much out of control at this point. Check HERE for some production photos, including this one of Jake looking adorably forlorn and dorky:
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Aww. And there's more! Watch for Jake on "The Late Show with David Letterman" on Monday, February 26 (the day before his scheduled appearance on Conan).

And there's more! Just kidding. That's all. If that ain't enough for you, I'd say there's no pleasing you. I need to go lie down. We haven't had this much news around here since Jake went to France.

Screencaps from IHJ.

Monday, February 12, 2007


Our very own Cindy did Jake Watch proud last night. So successful was she acting in her undercover role as "Fan on the Red Carpet at the BAFTA's," she was written up by the BBC (no, really, she was). Brilliant maneuvering, Cindy. And what the hell, BBC? You act as if it's unusual for people to be willing to impale themselves for The Gyllenhaal. Um, clearly you do not realize the dedication required by the agents of this fine institution. What kind of news agency are you running there, anyway? Oooh, look! And exclusive picture!
(More in the Jake Watch Forum.) Cindy also asked that Jake verify his identity for her, which he did with this stellar signature, definitely a Gyllenhaal original.
Gold star, dear Cindy. Gold effing star.

Pictures belong to Cindy. Please do not reproduce without her permission or we'll have to take some sort of drastic measures. For more red carpet hotness, check out IHJ. Also, big thanks to veeveevee for YouTubing the BAFTAs for us (links in the Forum).

Sunday, February 11, 2007


It's here. The biggest crisp in the bag that is award ceremonies: The BAFTAs. Unfortunately, our beloved leaders Britpopbaby and Prophecy Girl are still MIA - we've got Gary Sinise taking their calls. Meanwhile, Number Six is on an Equality and Diversity course and the JW petty cash does not spring to a TV - it has enough trouble keeping the mini-bar stocked. However, Number Six kindly left us some login codes and we've invited Anneka back to give you the juciest Jake tidbits of the BAFTAs night festivities.

Anneka here Jake fans! Seems I've already missed much of the entertainment on E! as I had to go on a booze run, but one can always trust the Beeb to repeat things until they lose all possible coherence; take Christmas specials of The Vicar or Dibley for example. Anyway, I'm going to be your correspondent for the evening, or until I get bored. Please be patient with me as not only do I have no idea what I'm doing - my JW IT course isn't until next month - but my TV and computer are in opposing areas of my house. At least I should lose some of my pre-BAFTA party weight by legging it up and down the stairs. Have another drink and stay tuned!

00:00 Jake is spotted mingling with sexy celebrities, signing the papers of the less-fortunate-non-celebrities. He’s avoided the powder-blue tux and gone for the classic black – in mourning for BPB and PG.

00:06 Breaking news! ! ! Jake loves ‘Babel’. He rhymes it with gabble, in honour of the British way of pronouncing it, as he is in Britain.

00:07 Jake politely smiles at a rubbish Jonathon Ross joke. What a gent. Don’t worry Jake, you’ll have plenty of opportunity to smile at Ross’ rubbish jokes. It'll improve your acting skills.

Oooooh. Ross is stood in front of the word Jake. That was our doing.

00:08 Jake chortles at a stinging Mel Gibson joke. Okay, so will we then. Ha ha ha!

00:09 Shot of Kirsten Dunst in Marie Antoinette with American accents, with come hither look behind a fan. It’s no good Kirsten. He’s seen it all before.

00:11 Yay! A British film won Best British Film! Take that all you other countries!

00:12 My bad. Ross is in fact stood in front of the word ‘make’, not Jake. It’s okay. We’ll have the set designer sent to Coventry. Or Alaska.

00:15 Eva Green wins Rising Star award and accepts looking like the love child of a vampire and a drag queen. Hang on…she’s FRENCH! When did that happen?

00:17 I love The Departed. And this song by the Dropkick Murphys. Everyone buy it now. What do you mean it’s not out in the UK yet?

00:20 Wow, Ross is really going in on the Gibson bashing tonight. He’s just made a Mayan ‘Sugar-tits’ joke.

00:20 Pan’s Labyrinth wins best Foreign Language film. The acceptee says he is too fat for such excitement and then makes a joke about Britons being repressed alcoholics. Why didn’t they get this guy to host the awards? He’s far funnier than Ross.

00:22 Damien Lewis – the world’s hottest ginger actor. Lindsey Lohan, you’re fooling no-one.

00:24 Children of Men wins Best Cinematography. Good for them.

00:26 Babel, Jake’s recommended film. But it hasn’t got that Sailor Peg song by the Dropkick Murphys. Surely that makes it a lesser film.

00:28 Whoa, Billy Elliot grew up didn’t he!

00:30 Red Row wins the Carl Foreman award. My Dad wins the George Foreman award.

00:33 Awww, Little Abigail Breslin is sitting attentively.

00:36 Best Supporting Actor goes to Alan Arkin for Little Miss Sunshine. He has not showed up. He’s playing in the snow in Wales.

00:40 Music award. Have you not been listening? DROPKICK MURPHYS!!!!

00:44 Dammit. Achievement in Film Music award goes to Babel. At least Jake will be pleased.

00:45 Excellent short film by Alex Garcia in which a Grandad drops dead in his birthday cake.

00:46 Simon Pegg! That’s almost like a Sailor Peg! Sorry, I’ll stop.

00:50 Best Original Screenplay goes to Little Miss Sunshine. The winner is out playing in the snow with Alan Arkin, so Simon Pegg steals his award. Go see Simon Pegg’s new film Hot Fuzz cos it looks awesome.

00:54 Best Animated Film goes to Happy Feet. Let’s hear it for them dancing penguins. No way their going back to the zoo now.

00:57 Bloody hell, Pan’s Labryinth is creepy

00:58 Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest wins best special effects. Did Bill Nighy not grow that squid beard himself?

00:60 Twenty minute break for the news I’m afraid guys. There hasn’t been enough Jake for anyone’s liking. We’ll page Ross and see if he can’t create an award for Best Scene with a Table for Jake to present. Or be funnier.

01:20 Ross announces the sexiest man in the room. I tense, ready to scream girlishly. But it’s Daniel Craig. Bloody hell Ross.

01:22 I hope Abigail Breslin wins best supporting actress. Just because she’s sweet and they just showed a clip in which she was in tears saying she didn’t want to be a loser. And BAFTAs shouldn’t make small children cry. Grown-ups, fine, but not kids.

01:23 It goes to Jennifer Hudson for Dreamgirls who is absent. Did no-one show up to collect their awards this year? Jake showed up and he’s not even getting an award. That’s dedication Hudson. Take note.

01: 27 Best Adapted Screenplay goes to The Last King of Scotland.

01:33 Uh, what is with Emily Watson’s dress?

01:34 Outstanding Contribution to British Film goes to a location manager who decided that the scene in which Parliament blows up in V for Vendetta would be filmed in Parliament Square. Hmmm.

01:38 Achievement in Direction goes to United 93.

01:46 Thandie Newton appears to be wearing a dress I’ve seen before. People, just because she’s MIA does not mean people can start auctioning Britpop’s dresses on the internet. She’s gonna need them when she comes back.

01:49 Best Actor goes to Forrest Whittaker for The Last King of Scotland.

01:50 I mishear Forrest Whitaker and think he is thanking his cats. My Dad informs me “CAST you moron!”

01:51 Forrest finishes his speech and walks away. Then remembers he forgot to thank his wife and runs back. Awwwww.

01:52 Thank the Saarsgaards! Jake’s coming to present Best Actress. Jake politely smiles at Ross’ joke about camping in regards to BBM. One of our newer agents loses control of herself and screams “WE LOVE YOU JAKE!” from the back of the hall. She is promptly taken outside and given a swift kicking.

01:53 Jake is foxy looking man, delivering his speech with poise and pizzazz. Then he makes a joke – “Any of these performances would be worthy of this guy”, whilst pointing to himself, then pretends he was talking about the award. He acknowledges the Ross-ness of this joke and does a really sweet fake laugh, head bobbing back and forth, eyes squeezed shut, before returning to a deadpan “Here are the nominees.” THAT’S HOW IT’S DONE ROSS!

01: 56 It’s Helen Mirren. Dammit, Jake’s gonna have to kiss her and we’re gonna have to have her killed. It’s so damn tragic. Wait, hang on. Jake’s a complete pro and just manhandles her waist before handing her the award. No kiss. Mirren gets to fight another day.

01:58 Jake hangs around in the back politely waiting for Mirren to finish her very long speech.

02.08 Dammit. The Queen wins Best Film. But I suppose she’d be peeved if she didn’t win. She’d stop giving out knighthoods and stuff.

02:15 Anne V Coates wins Outstanding Contribution. Good for her. She goes on to give a longer speech than Mirren.

02:19 Ross thanks us all. While all the other awards are quickly presented before our very eyes, our agents move on to the after party to keep Jake away from the tuna vol-u-vents.

That's all folks. Thanks for bearing with my technical problems of the last half hour. Let's all go get wasted and sing the Sailor Peg song!


Join us at 9.00pm GMT for live blogging Bafta mania. God, I hope Billie Piper is there!

Saturday, February 10, 2007


Welcome to Jake Watch's first book review! After the clothing line and eau de toilette range, we knew this bad boy wouldn't be far behind.

We all know Hollywood is a place full of scheming, black-hearted liars who take the virtues of capitalism a step too far and are contributing greatly to the collaspe of society (Olsen twins, I'm looking in your direction). We also know that Jake has no part in this, he is pure and innocent and his only concerns are Sprinkles cupcakes, cookery shows, puggles and his sneaker collection. We got that straight? Okay, moving on...
Celebrity Skin: Fame Unlimited is the new novel by LA-based entertainment journalist Liane Bonin. It follows the story of Tinseltown starlet Taylor Christensen, who is a fictional character not at all based on anyone you may have heard of *coughnudgewinkcough*. We follow Taylor's life from the perspective of her best friend Erin; from a dorky high school kid who is merciless bullied by her peers to Hollywood A-lister who is hell-bent on self-destruction with plenty of betrayal, glamour, nutbags(!) and scandal on the way. Behind-the-scenes of the beautiful people, I'm almost too scared to look!

How much of it is based in reality? Oooo, wouldn't we kill puggles to know!! Come with me now and dip your big toe into this dark pool of showbiz shennighans. I bet it was never like this when Judy Dench was around...oh wait, she still is.

We're back in high school with head-brace wearing Taylor and Erin is visiting her house for the first time. We meet Shelia, Taylor's mother, who again is based on no-one in particular.
“She’ll work again. As soon as we straighten out those horse teeth.” Sheila was leaning in the doorway, wiping sweat from her face.
Out of the corner of my eye I could see Taylor’s spine stiffen, as if she’d been hit. Sheila reached over her shoulder and flipped back to one of the baby pictures. “That was a cute one. Never should have let those teeth come in, should have just capped them right from the get-go and called it a day. You might have gotten a series then. But blame your father. That’s from his side of the family. Maryanne, did you ask your little friend if she was hungry?”
Taylor and I both shook our heads.
“Swear to God, you have the manners of a barnyard animal. Well, if your friend gets hungry you know where the peanut butter and crackers are. But I don’t want you pigging out. Once the pounds go on, they’re hell to get off,” she said, laughing as she squeezed her thigh, which looked pretty skinny to me. I watched Sheila walk out of the room.

“Wow. Your mom was kind of harsh.”
Taylor shrugged. “She says she just wants me to get a dose of reality. Because no one ever tells the truth in this town.”
“You don’t have to be mean to tell the truth.” In what alternate reality is telling someone they have horse teeth constructive criticism?
“She says she’s helping me toughen up. It’s working great, huh?” Taylor made a face that told me it really, really wasn’t. “Are you sure you don’t want to play Uno?”


Just to reiterate, none of this ever happened to Jake. He was always cool, he never did adverts for Lucky Charms when he was a kid, and he never wore a head brace. Got it? Of course, you already knew this having read the first part of Jake Watch: The Movie.

And now for the Jake Watch tagline:
We think she gone done wrote a book 'bout what it's really like all up in Hell-Ay (Gyllenaals excluded...and Peter Sarsgaard)!!

More Info on the first Jake Watch approved book:
Buy at
Taylor Christensen Blog

Thursday, February 08, 2007


As britpopbaby and Prophecy Girl remain AWOL or MIA, depending on how you feel, an alarming spate of 'Jake Fakes' have surfaced to wreak mild havoc on online Jakedom. If there is one thing Jake Watch will not stand for it is dopplegangers...and Paris Hilton...and camel racing. Today I bring you the horrific news that Uncle Jack Nasty has once again reared his fake lame fake retarded head but this time it's WORSE!

He brought photoshopped picture* evidence with him (or her)!
Can I remind you, 'Nobody Wants You Like I Do' nee 'Uncle Jack Nasty' nee 'I'm Jake Gyllenhaal, no honestly, I totally have a MySpace!', that you suck the big one and we hope you get herpes. Let's take a little look at how Fake Jake chooses to represent Real Jake to the MySpace viewing public...

Well,well,well (well?) . Hello there all you lovely people. The name's (Fake) Jake, I'm a 26 year old bachelor (you not heard the rumors?) living in the great state of Cal-I-Forn-I-A. When work calls (or family) I head east to New York. Very cool places, both of them. You see interesting things and even better, interesting people (hotdog vendors, tramps, Paris Hilton...oh wait...). I love my job (Professional nutbag?). It brings home the bacon (DUDE! TOO SOON!) . Speaking of bacon, I love to cook it (I love to cook anything) and eat it =). I have flaws, but don't we all (speak for yourself)? To name a few,you could say I'm clumsy and I can get too goofy at times when I'm suppose to be serious (like at funerals?). But hey, laughter equals a happy person and who doesn't like a happy person? My sister, Maggie (Thanks, because we didn't know her name), gave birth a little while back to a beautiful baby girl who got the name Ramona. I love being an Uncle. It's fantastic! I can't wait to have children of my own someday (Reel them fishes in, big daddy) . I've got two cool dogs (you used to, what happened to them?) named Atticus Finch and Boo Radley who are looking for love,so,if you got a lady pup,send her their way ;-) (pimping your dogs on MySpace?) . Well, you good people you, I must be getting through now. Don't want to bore anyone to sleep. Feel free to hit me up with a message now and then (Oh, we will). I'd love to speak with you guys. Later. (Loser.)

Jake does not deserve such misrepresentation which makes him sound lame. For more fun please visit Original Fake Jake HERE.

Which brings us on to Fake Jake #2 who may possibly be the same person as Original Fake Jake. If you get an email from then er, it's not Jake for obvious reasons. According to the bloke who does a shit job of running, 'Jake does not play online, apart from dog dating sites'. Okay, that quote was only partly true.

But what does Jake do when he's not being poorly impersonated by people who shouldn't be allowed to use the internet unsupervised? Award season, baby!
In other news Jake will be at the BAFTAS** which airs on Sunday for people who live in the Isles of Britannia. Unfortunately it will be hosted by Jonathan Ross who will probably make jokes of a disrespectful nature and then laugh at himself and then go home and rub his body all over with £50 notes because the BBC pay him too much. So Jake, was this 'I'm spending the rest of my life in Morocco' thing a gag or what?

*devil horns added by Jake Watch.
**Jake will not be winning a BAFTA this year, unless they introduce that 'Best Jake Gyllenhaal in a Jake Gyllenhaal Film' catergory we've been campaigning for.

Wednesday, February 07, 2007


According to forums across the internet, our very own Jake Gyllenhaal will be a guest on "Late Night With Conan O'Brien" on February 27. I will award the Jake Watch Gold Star of Excellency to anyone who can trace this back to a credible source (not that the forums aren't credible, mind you, but a cursory search provided no info as to where this news came from). Jake Watch's Official Take on the Matter is that this is awesome and Jake, if this isn't true, call your agent right now and ask them to book you on "Late Night With Conan O'Brien" for February 27.

For those of you outside of the U.S., Conan is this one:

EDIT! Dumbo gets the Gold Star! We'll take this as our confirmation.

Tuesday, February 06, 2007

Monday, February 05, 2007


Which of the following people in this picture does not work for Jake Watch?

Friday, February 02, 2007


Image Hosted by

Hot of the presses; the following was copied and pasted directly from the Associated Press' website and is 100% true:

LOS ANGELES (AP) -- Jake Gyllenhaal arrived in Los Angeles Thursday night for the premiere of his new movie, The Day After Tomorrow Never Dies. Gyllenhaal's appearance was a surprise as he is spending time in Morocco filming his next movie Rendition. When asked about his unexpected appearance, Gyllenhaal said, "Oh, I wouldn't have missed it. I really wanted to be here for Prophecy Girl and britpopbaby. It's so sad that they've been mysteriously kidnapped and are missing the release of this absolutely true documentary about their extremely adventurous daily lives. I didn't think I was going to be able to make it until the very last minute which is why I'm wearing the same clothes as from the Jarhead premiere." Part one of the movie has a wide release today; further installments will be released weekly until the entire movie is available. Interested parties are being told to go HERE to read the film.

Reviews for the film have been favorable. Roger Ebert said it was, "the best movie in the history of the world. I'll never watch another movie for as long as I live because nothing can compare to it." Entertainment Weekly has given it the first ever "A+++ to infinity" and Gyllenhaal himself has said, "It's, like, really cool except for the part where my dog gets stolen. Hold on, which one got stolen again?"

Also in attendance at the premiere were Bill S. Preston, Esq. and Ted Theodore Logan.

Picture credit: The Associated Press...or possibly Photoshop and IHJ.

Thursday, February 01, 2007


Get ready, it's a good one. Are you ready? No, really ready? 'Cos it's awesome....

"He’s filming the murders exactly inch by inch, literally how it happened and where the bodies were, and how they moved, and all those things, so it’s based in a real reality, things that really happened..."
Jake 'Really?' Gyllenhaal

One question, apart from the obvious, if someone knows exactly how and when the Zodiac murders happened then how come they never caught the guy that did it? Just asking.

The following text is an excerpt from the highly anticipated biography, JAKE WATCH: FROM THE GUTTER TO THE SIDEWALK - WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH MY MOUSEMAT?, released in the near future by Jake Watch's Tall Tales Publishing House.

It was a dark and stormy April night as britpopbaby, swimming in gin and Cool Original Doritos, thought, 'I really should be concentrating on finishing my final dissertation but I really can't be arsed...maybe I'll procrastinate in style by creating a blog about tea and biscuits...or Jake Gyllenhaal...or Shih Tzus...'

Jake Watch is a 96% satirical, 7% sincere (please allow for discrepancies) blog about the life and times of Jake Gyllenhaal; puggle visionary, intermittent tabloid-fodder, pseudo-enviromentalist, Lance Armstrong fan and some time actor.

The blog's origins can be traced back to approximately 10.06am (GMT) April 3rd 2006. Highlights include inventing Paparazzi Bingo©, contriving an interest in Jake's socks, getting into a confusing situation with a sub-editor of US Weekly, fangirling the Gyllenhaal Team Leader, being threatened with two seperate lawsuits (bite me wireimage) and writing our own movie that is yet to be picked up by a major distributer.

The future looks fulgid for Jake Watch with a couture clothing line, perfume range and a holistic-vegan inspired restaurant chain on the horizon.

Whilst not blogging Jake Watch enjoys candle-lit walks on the beach, Sudoko puzzles and watching Jane Fonda exercise videos circa 1981.

Unfrequently Asked Questions

Who is behind Jake Watch?
First it was just britpopbaby, the gin-adled purveyor of hearsay. Prophecy Girl, the oracle of Mirocsoft Excel, joined in August 2006 after britpopbaby kept slipping in and out of turps-induced comas, once going missing for a whole two weeks. Anneka, the 'Frank The Rabbit' of JW, sometimes took to her Sellotape powered laptop to provide thought-provoking analysis of such events as The Day After Tomorrow and the 2006 MTV Movie Awards. In January 2007, britpopbaby and Prophecy Girl mysteriously disappeared in a mysterious cloud of mystery to be replace in a matter of hours by the abstruse Number Six. So, in conclusion, who the fuck knows?

Do you know Jake?
If by 'Do you know Jake' you mean, do we have a deep personal knowledge and understanding of his every dream and desire that we may have projected onto him then, yes. If by 'Do you know Jake' you mean, 'Do we know Jake'? Then, no.

Does Jake know about Jake Watch?
Oh yes, but does he acknowledge the love? Not so much. Loser.

Do you really stalk Jake?
If by 'Do you really stalk Jake?' you mean, like, do we hide in his bushes and rummage in his trash and ring his doorbell and run away then er, Why? What have you heard?

The Writers