Saturday, October 07, 2006

AGENTS IN ACTION: PART II

You must understand that Jake Watch is a secret society of sorts. We operate under highly classified procedures and trust no man, except Peter Sarsgaard. But occasionally, I feel obliged to let you in on the 'behind-the-scenes' magic that ensures Jake Gyllenhaal is always well protected, well respected and kept well away from most other people.

I present to you now a Back Away From My Man mission that ended in 100% success and in which human casualties were kept to a record low. When you've read this, please shred it; unless the shreader needs emptying, then you can just eat it.
1. Aha, here is Jake enjoying a seemingly innocent conversation with an unathorised female (turn to page 208 of the Handbook for a not-so-comprehensive list of authorised females). 'Alright', you say to yourself/cellmate, 'She's pretty, they seem happy, simply enjoying each other's company, Jake has even removed his ever present shades to make eye contact and she's not me, but, what's the big problem?' This is why YOU are not a Jake Watch agent. Keep reading.
2. Left unactioned, another unauthorised female has arrived on the scene. Pandemonium. At this point we hand over from the Surveillance Team to the Damage Control Analyst Unit. They quickly process the avaliable data and file the following status report:
Please see accompanying annotated diagram.
a. The presence of two unauthorised females has distracted Jake immensely and as a result his trademark polystyrene take-out coffee cup has veered dangerously to the left.
b. Finger-pointing by unauthorised female No.2 could be interpretated as threatening. A situation in which Jake's personal safety is compromised seems imminent.
c. Aforementioned concerns consolidated by stern look and aura given off by Unauthorised Female No.2. Whats her deal? Panel advises immediate activation of the Jake Watch street sweeper to dispel this most alarming state of affairs.
d. Discreet foot touching. Holy shit!
e. The tounge is OUT. We repeat: the tounge is OUT. Known to cause irregular heart rhythms in OAPs and fangirls. Panel demands Jake Watch is stepped up to RED ALERT.


3. After discovering that the Jake Watch street sweeper has been hijacked by Lt. Dan, HQ resorts to modern techonology. Texts are sent to both the perpetrator and the protectee. Message to Unauthorised Female No.1 is clear and simple: BCK AWAY FRM MY MAN. Jake's reads: Come quick! Boo trapped down disused mine shaft!. Okay, not really. Actual message reads: Wht u playin @? We went ovr dis b4. C u l8r. Luv JW.

4. Busted! Jake checks nervously around. Unauthorised Female No.1 panics.

5. Jake departs, looking remorseful. "Oh god," he murmurs to himself, "What have I done? It's like that time I did the limbo in an Aussie flag thong at Heath's birthday party all over again. Vodka is nobody's friend".

6. But where was the Jake Watch agent throughout this drama? Ever present, Gyllenfans, ever present.

PS: Has anyone seen this street sweeper? Last spotted being driven away from JW HQ at 12mph.

53 comments:

vanzmotorbike said...

Good one Britz.

ATD said...

Congrats to all the agents involved, excellent work!

Regarding the road sweeper, word on the street (well, the Trafford Centre car park) is that is was last spotted making it’s way towards Alderley, in the direction of Wizards Well….

Sydney Bristow said...

Wow! The CIA and MI5 have NOTHING on Jake Watch Agents.

PS: To all agents in the field:
THE DOG BARKS AT MIDNIGHT (you know what to do.)

Anonymous said...

I had no idea how many brazen hussies there are out there! its so lucky that jw agents and their proverbial peeled eyes are on the case. unorthorised hussie #1 looked so miffed andunorthorised hussie #2 could have had a GUN FINGER!!! it doesnt bear thinking about....

Anonymous said...

I saw pucker lips on Jake from the usual source!! Oh dam can you imagine these lips coming at your own lips and not your cheek - BIG ASS SQUEAL over here!!

Wouldn't the song 'Come on Eileen' sound better if Eileen was Jake??

BTW I saw the Muy Caliente GodMother - Jamie Lee Curtis - on TV promoting a fundraiser QVC is doing - shoe designers are selling their shoes at half cost and donating ALL net to a Breast Cancer Foundation! Amazing shoes for amazing cause - stomp out breast cancer in some nice heels!

Anonymous said...

BTW - here is PUCKER LIPS!

http://tinyurl.com/hqmq4

Given this dangerous weapon is being used properly by Jake for 'friendly fire' only reasons.

beckela said...

Oh, Brit, you make my day again! So funny.

Prophecy Girl said...

This may be my favorite post of all time.

nice anonymous said...

I'm glad to return to my regularly scheduled JakeWatch viewing habits & to find this post waiting for me.
Yeah, I'd say it's nearly my favorite -- right after the one that set up the Papparazzi Bingo Board.

Anonymous said...

THIS is why I come here. I wait for these.

Kendra said...

That street sweeper is HOT!!

The Bearded Lady said...

Brit excellent report!
Is that agent Björk I see in the window ?

cina said...

LMFAO!!! Brits, you've surpassed yourself once again! Just brilliant - and HILARIOUS! :-D

kokodee said...

Lol! Too funny!
I never even caught the feet touching or that jake watch 'agent' in the window before.
Kudos brits.

Anneka's Alias said...

I'm just so glad they were getting threatening text messages in picture 3 and not swapping phone numbers. Phew!

And I also love the street-sweeper. It's non-threatening and discreet until it becomes necessary to mow someone down and spit them out the back all sparkly clean.

veeveevee said...

Absolutely brilliant! Those pictures had me in a tizzy a few days ago - so glad to know the JW agents are on the case!

Anonymous said...

hilarious!! LOL

Anonymous said...

Problemo Alert: JW agents are SO damned efficient, it seems the "ahem" Subject has changed his rambling, ambling habits and has been spotted in the area of Central Park West! Are streetsweepers allowed in Central Park??? All I can say is I am mightily impressed with this intervention. Never has my confidence in JW agents been higher. Makes me feel like you can handle anything.

cina said...

^^ We sure can! ;-D

Diana Rigg said...

It seems the street sweeper has been spotted, hiding behind a shrubbery....

Nothing Really Matters said...

Brits this is so funny! What a great post!

britpopbaby said...

It seems the street sweeper has been spotted, hiding behind a shrubbery....

LMAO!

Damn it! That street sweeper seems to have made it from NYC to Surburbia: England.

Smurfeyshmoo said...

Is it wrong to say I love you?

Simon Agent 002 said...

I never filled the fuel tank more than half...for just this reason...
You can't trust the staff....and now there out joy riding.

Anonymous said...

^^ Weeeee! Yeah and it was Fun!

One more around and let's buzz the horse drawn carriages this time!!

YEHAAAAAAW!
*twirls the cowboy hat*

dani said...

I hope that text message to Jake also included that playing footsy with an unauthorized female will not be tolerated!

Anonymous said...

Excuse me - what/who/how is an authorized female? And to what capacity?

I'd like to break this down sinc eI haven't received my Amazon copy of the guide:
Naomi - duh - Mother
Maggie - double duh - sister
*Lets just say if they're related
its probably not an issue.*
- Michelle Williams - Heath's gal
- Matilda - Godchild
- Anne Hathaway-squeezed her left booby and still not dating
-Jamie Lee Curtis - Smokin lady but Godmother
- PR and PA - I think both are female and work strictly on professional basis with Jake.


Questionables:

-Cheeky old ladies in distress found in Whole Foods parking lots.
-Natalie Portman - she's hot and possibly with Gael - but who knows? That impish Hepburn way about her - she's one to eye!
-Any ex - Yeah I mean Kirsten! Selma and any other identifable ex.
- Drummers' girlfriend: Jake did admit to getting kicked out of a band over one!

-JW agents - could you truly be trusted if found in the immediate proximity of our favorite stalked dish? I think not...

muffin said...

Brits, this one belongs in the JW Hall of Fame. Brilliant. I had noticed the tongue action but the foot touching had alluded me.

cina said...

Anon 8:56 - Natalie Portman is definitely not questionable. She was authorised by us long ago! ;-)

kaydee said...

what happened to the unauthorised female in the end? ahem... did she survive?

what happens to other unauthorised females?

i know they make us mad, but you really cannot blame them for being attracted to him ... like moths to a flame...

Katie said...

This may be my favorite post of all time.

Ditto - priceless BPB.

That foot touching was deeply troublesome, compounded by that naughty tongue. Thank heavens for JW - Jake has been saved again.

britpopbaby said...

Excuse me - what/who/how is an authorized female? And to what capacity?

That's a good question anon. I guess I better write that Handbook to avoid any future uncertainties.

Anonymous said...

the missing street sweeper is hilarious!!

S4M985 said...

That did make my day, until i read about the foot touching, i didnt notice that before and now im green with envy, how dare he! He was so tuning her and its just not fair! haha! Nah but that was great!

Den Of Thieves said...

Oh. My. God. The text message killed me. Brilliant!

Simon Agent 002 said...

^^Yeah the text message...tickled me too! :)

SquallCloud said...

I can't stop laughing and I think I peed a little! This was a mother of a post.

Lt. Dan is nothing but trouble. He's weeled his happy ass into the downstairs women's bathroom in the JW HQ one too many times for it to be an accident. Plus he has a foul temper and I doubt his sincerity to the mission of keeping Jake safe.

Jake's sprawled sexily on bench. *pants*

Jake tounge and Jake footsy action with unknown brunette? *faints*

RE: Favorite Post? That's a hard one. This is high up there but the first post was truly amazing and heralded what we were all in for. I also like the one about Jake's causes and sending hobos to college and whatnot. Pap bingo was inspired too.

SquallCloud said...

Also LO-FUCKING-L on the Aussie flag thong limbo. Heee

Anonymous said...

oh MAN I have not laughed so hard in a LONG TIME. Well it's a tough job (watching Jake) but SOMEONE has to do it. you can pat yourself on the back for saving our man from that unauthorized female and her accomplice.

WOW Jake was in a Thong of the Aussie flag for Heath's birthday? and where are the pics!?

cina said...

Beside the fact that this post is brilliant and SO why JakeWatch is so special, can I just say one thing? I said it the first time these pics showed up, but I'll say it again:

DAMN, JAKE LOOKS SO AMAZINGLY HOT!!!

That's all I wanted to say.

alexa said...

That was fucking brilliant, Brit!

Good work, agents!

Agnes said...

Excellent work agents, the text message was brilliant!

Good post BPB :)

heddaparsons said...

This is the funniest post! Thanks for the laugh!

Katie said...

New pics of Jake over at IHJ where he's chewing his headphones - he looks scared... and he's wearing that bloody cardi again... Jake, Jake, Jake what shall we do with you? (answers on a postcard)

nice anonymous said...

Yes, this is how the boys lounged in high school study halls, flirting with every inch of their supine bodies, despite their feigned indifference to us girls (they always looked half-asleep -- as if the previous night's bout of beer-drinking & Trans-Am cruising had exhausted them utterly). So I do very much like how Jakey looks when he leans all six feet of that well-muscled body way back, till he's nearly resting back on his spine, and spreads his knees wide apart, to give plenty of room for whatever he's got down there. Who wouldn't want to be dawdling in the sun on a wooden bench beside him ... with one sample of his famed, extensive athletic shoe collection edging gradually nearer & nearer to one's own foot? Yes, Jake, you're a beautiful young athlete in your prime & it's such a pleasure to look at you, when you're sunning yourself lazily like a leopard on a rock.

I keep meaning to get down to Central Park West & look for Jake, but there's groceries to buy & laundry to do & in general, a life to keep functioning, so I've got to content myself with these pictures instead.

phoebe said...

Oh God, brits, you have outdone yourself with this one!! It's HYSTERICAL! I was laughing so hard I couldn't breathe!!

You've totally made my day, no wait, my entire week, if not MONTH!

And yes, Jake is ABSOLUTELY GORGEOUS!!!

Marie said...

oh my god. Funniest.Post.Ever.

Truly inspired, BPB!

That tongue just drives me insane. And the way he's lounging--oy! It would take all my self-control to not just jump on him right there.

BTW, I love his nervous look after the text message.

phoebe said...

Oh, and this just about KILLS me!

PS: Has anyone seen this street sweeper? Last spotted being driven away from JW HQ at 12mph.

LMFAO!!

Dumbo said...

I haven't had the chance to read all the comments yet, but I love this post. I really like the new Jake look with the hair and all.

beskyddaren said...

A brilliant post, Brit! : D

Anonymous said...

Brit, where's the roadsweeper? Did the powers that be force you to remove it?

Girl Friday said...

PS: Has anyone seen this street sweeper? Last spotted being driven away from JW HQ at 12mph.

Someone had better come and get this thing out of my apartment. I've been telling people that it's "modern art" representing, "Man's struggle against oppression" but I don't think anyone is buying it.

Isaac said...

Pretty helpful data, lots of thanks for your post.
Old Quebec City | Indian recipes | Microwave recipes