The Last Post

The complete archives are linked in the sidebar, but here are a few posts to get you started...

"Welcome Fellow Stalkers" (April 3, 2006) - And britpopbaby said, "Let there be Jake Watch."

"Quote Of The Week" (April 3, 2006) - 29 minutes after the first post, the Quote of the Week is born.

"Blatant Stalking #1" (April 3, 2006) - 1 hour after the first Quote of the Week, the Blatant Stalking Files are opened. Along with it comes the first posted picture of Jake.

"Sock Watch" (April 3, 2006) - 15 minutes after "Blatant Stalking #1," the cult favorite of Jake Watch is unveiled. (britpopbaby was very busy that first day.)

"Brokeback Mountain DVD Released Today" (April 4, 2006) - But more importantly, Heath Ledger turned 15.

"Blatant Stalking #2" (April 4, 2006) - The sign around his neck says it all.

"The Free Boo Campaign" (April 5, 2006) - "Boo Radley is not a free dog."

"Branding" (April 6, 2006) - The start of the franchise.

"Whose Idea Was This, Then?" (April 8, 2006) - Because people who take bad pictures of Jake must be held accountable.

"I Think It's Time We All Tried To Be Better People" (April 9, 2006) - Jake on the issues! And the official launch of the Sunday Project.

"Jake Watch Is One Week Old Today" (April 10, 2006) - The first of many anniversary celebrations.

"Sock Watch #2" (April 10, 2006) - The notorious ankle sock.

"It Had To Be Done: Boo Watch" (April 11, 2006) - Jake Watch expands.

"Off Topic: Another Gyllenhaal Coming Soon!!" (April 12, 2006) - The first mention of the Gyllengaard.

"Our Newest Feature: Back Away From My Man!" (April 13, 2006) - It would go on to be a classic.

"Sock Watch #3" (April 14, 2006) - The Non-Sock Watch.

"Jake Morphing Into Obi Wan Kenobi" (April 19, 2006) - The beard gets out of control.

"Um...I Think Jake Just Slipped From Deity to Mortal" (April 19, 2006) - Two words: orange spandex. Just Jared takes notice and Jake Watch reaches a new level of prestige.

"Rubric Rodeo! What?" (April 20, 2006) - Caption it!

"Ding Dong The Beard Is Dead!" (April 21, 2006) - Temporarily.

"Boo Watch: Peter Sarsgaard Not At All Impressed With Boo" (April 25, 2006) - His expression says it all.

"Virtual Jake" (April 27, 2006) - Just as creepy as it sounds.

"Sock Watch #4" (April 28, 2006) - We still don't know what color that is.

"Yeah, We Know" (May 1, 2006) - ...that Jake has an attractive M-shaped hairline.

"That Man Is A Cycling Machine" (May 1, 2006) - The title pretty much sums it up...and kicks off the Summer of Non-Stop Biking with sidekicks McMatty and Livestrong.

"Jake Watch Gets Its First Official Scoop" (May 1, 2006) - And its first mention of Claptrap.

"Jake Stalked By Non Jake Watch Operatives" (May 3, 2006) - The agent angle is revealed.

"Let Us All Just Take a Moment" (May 10, 2006) - " ...to remind ourselves why we are here..."

"The Jake Secret Project" (May 10, 2006) - Genius! If not copyright-questionable. Over 50 cards would eventually be submitted.

"Funny Secrets" (May 11, 2006) - Jake Secret Part 1.

"Fears" (May 12, 2006) - Jake Secret Part 2.

"Because I Love You [Now Deleted]" (May 13, 2006) - Picturegate! Jake Watch publishes a photo of Jake and his dad and all hell breaks loose. Long term effect? We're still assessing...

"Dear Jake" (May 13, 2006) - Jake Secret Part 3.

"Mature Secrets" (May 15, 2006) - Jake Secret Part 4.

"Dogs, Parents, Beach, Dill, Smiles" (May 15, 2006) - Because there was a time when Jake's beard was called "Dill" (naming process here) and there was even a blog about it (now defunct).

"Boo Watch: The Case Of The Missing Puggle" (May 16, 2006) - Jake Watch Super Sleuths.

"Stephen Secrets" (May 16, 2006) - Jake Secret Part 5.

"A Jake Watch Exclusive" (May 16, 2006) - Someone agreed to answer our questions...

"Misc. Secrets" (May 17, 2006) - Jake Secret Part 6.

"Jake Eats Cupcakes!" (May 17, 2006) - The first appearance of the now-legendary Sprinkles.

"This Made Me Laugh" (May 19, 2006) - Brokeback Bunnies.

"A Jake Gyllenhaal Masterclass: Flirting 101" (May 21, 2006) - Learn from the expert.

"Fan of the Week" (May 24, 2006) - Short-lived, but still an honor.

"The Not Sponsored by L'Oreal Hair Survey" (May 30, 2006) - Who doesn't love The Wet Effect?

"Blatant Stalking #4" (May 31, 2006) - Not even at the Oscar's can Jake escape.

"Ready For Some Crazy Talk?" (May 31, 2006) - Because Jake really does look like Prince Eric from The Little Mermaid.

"First Official Jake Watch Stalking Mission: Failed" (June 1, 2006) - Prophecy Girl goes to LA and eats cupcakes.

"There Is a God AKA Sock Watch #5" (June 2, 2006) - With...clogs?!

"Funny Or Not So Funny" (June 5, 2006) - Uncle Jack Nasty becomes Jake Watch's foremost Fake Jake MySpace nemesis. He would later be taken down, resurface, and then re-taken down.

"The Secret Life Of Jake And Maggie" (June 7, 2006) - Damn you, Peter Sarsgaard!!

"Why Don't We Step Up Our Weirdness?" (June 9, 2006) - The Gyllenhaal Junior Sweepstakes, AKA guess Maggie's Baby's Name and win a t- shirt!

"Stalking By Professionals" (June 10, 2006) - These people put us to shame.

"I Forgot About This!" (June 12, 2006) - Jake Watch is reviewed by Bloggy Award and, to the surprise of everyone, is labeled "obsessive."

"Sexy Secrets" (June 12, 2006) - Jake Secret Part 7.

[No Corresponding Post] (June 14, 2006) - Jake Watch launches its first message board, now affectionately known as The Old Forum.

"The Awesomeness Of Anneka" (June 15, 2006) - Anneka blogs the MTV Movie Awards.

"On A Serious Note: Jake Looks Like Simba? Discuss" (June 23, 2006) - Continuing with the Disney look-a-like theme, although getting creepier by the minute...

"Jake Walks Down The Street With A Bottle Of Water...Again" (June 23, 2006) - That's really about as exciting as it ever got.

"Last Night's Poetry Affair" (June 29, 2006) - Some people went and they saw Gyllenhaals.

"Jake Sets A Bad Example To Us All" (June 30, 2006) - Safety first, Jake!

"OMG, Jake! You So Have To Frickin Buy One Of These!" (June 30, 2006) - Or don't, because we bought one for you!

"Star Trekking Across The Universe" (July 1, 2006) - The beard is back.

"Jake Watch's Second Official Stalking Mission: Success!" (July 4, 2006) - Prophecy Girl was not involved.

"Sock Watch #5 (which is actually #6)" (July 12, 2006) - K-Fed Edition.

"Jake Gyllenhaal Gets A Preview Of The Final Harry Potter Book - Harry Potter And He's Gonna Die, OK?" (July 13, 2006) - Spoiler alert.

"Wait A Minute Mr. Postman" (July 14, 2006) - The Boo shirt!

"Jake (Watch) Wants You!" (July 15, 2006) - Prophecy Girl makes her debut, both in JW blogging and in defaming iconic images by Photoshopping Jake's face into them.

"Atticus Vs. Boo: Is Jake Showing Favoritism?" (July 15, 2006) - Boo gets his own MySpace profile.

"Prophecy Girl Watches ESPN!" (July 17, 2006) - It was the first and only time.

"Problem-Solving Exercise: Jake's Wardrobe" (July 18, 2006) - Not only does Jake wear the same thing over and over, but now Jake Watch is at www.jakewatch.com.

"Strange Coincidences In History" (July 21, 2006) - Jake meets John Lennon.

"No News Is...Good News?" (July 21, 2006) - More on the hair.

"Blatant Stalking #5" (July 22, 2006) - The nefarious Green M&M.

"Slow News Day?" (July 24, 2006) - Jake Gyllenhaal: The Multitasker.

"My Lucky Day! AKA Sock Watch #6...Or #7...Or Whatever!" (July 25, 2006) - Midnight black...with sandals.

"OK So Some Bloke Called Stephen Gyllenhaal..." (July 31, 2006) - ...gave Jake Watch an exclusive interview!

"Jake Called In To Give Mel Gibson The Ass Whooping Of His Life" (August 1, 2006) - Mel deserved it.

"Jake Watch - How? Why? What the Hell?" (August 1, 2006) - The least you need to know...

"This Is The Most Fun I've Had Since Baggage Claim" (August 2, 2006) - PAPARAZZI BINGO!

"It's T-Shirt Time Which Is Kinda Like Hammer Time But Not So Much" (August 3, 2006) - The original Jake Watch tee (now worth thousands).

"The Sunday Project...With Prophecy Girl!" (August 6, 2006) - Jeans, jeans, jeans.

"For Your Eyes Only: Agents In Action" (August 8, 2006) - How Jake Watch agents really spend their time...

"Good Night And Good Luck" (August 9, 2006) - Jake Watch implements a no-tolerance rule regarding the discussion of Jake's private life...to much controversy.

"In My Bid To Make Jake Watch Famous..." (August 15, 2006) - The Jake Watch cocktail. Instructions for "The Notorious J.B.G." are in the comments.

"Jake Watch's Domination Of The World Continues" (August 18, 2006) - Jake Watch gets e-mail addresses at its own domain. It's a new era in professionalism.

"The Day After Tomorrow But Yesterday Because I Thought It Was Tuesday" (August 19, 2006) - Anneka's first movie review! Part 1.

"To Be Honest, I'm A Little Disappointed" (August 20, 2006) - Tattoogate! Countless IMDb posters think Jake has tattooed "britpop" down his arm.

"Agents What Is Going On Here?" (August 22, 2006) - The tattoo controversy falls apart.

"The Day After Tomorrow Review Continued And Contrived" (August 23, 2006) - Part 2.

"The Day After Tomorrow Or Maybe Before Britpopbaby's Nervous Breakdown" (August 27, 2006) - Part 3.

"What? You Want More?" (August 29, 2006) - The Day After Tomorrow, Part 4.

"Woohoo! Jake Watch Makes The Press!" (August 29, 2006) - Jake Watch makes it into ElleGirl Netherland!

"Blatant Stalking...I Really Should Go Back And Categorize These Damn Things" (August 31, 2006) - Everyone's favorite, the Seagull of Malevolence.

"Is It The End Of The World...Or Just Anneka's Review?" (September 1, 2006) - The Day After Tomorrow, Part 5.

"Oogle With Google" (September 9, 2006) - What pops up when you Google "Jake Watch?" Weird shit.

"Emergency Sock Watch" (September 11, 2006) - Jesus Christ, he's not wearing socks!

"Zut Alors!" (September 12, 2006) - The premiere of The Daily Jake Watch.

"Britpopbaby's Secret Past" (September 14, 2006) - The shirts are ready!

"The Not Entirely True Story Of Jake's Life" (September 17, 2006) - Anneka blogs Jake's biography.

"Off-Topic: Is Heath Ledger Growing A Mullet?" (September 20, 2006) - Who would have thought it'd go on to be our third most Googled post?

"So Close Yet, Oooo, So Far Away" (September 23, 2006) - Jake sells himself for charity.

"Sold! Jake Gyllenhaal For $6,601!" (September 26, 2006) - And to think that bid was later retracted and he went for less. Sad.

"We Got Your Back Little G!" (September 28, 2006) - Jake Watch discusses gifts for the Gyllengaard.

"I Like To Thank The Academy, My Agent, My Grandpa Buster" (October 3, 2006) - Jake Watch makes it to 6 months.

"It's A Girl!" (October 4, 2006) - Jake Watch is the first on the internet to announce the birth of baby Ramona. It would come back to haunt us.

"Agents In Action: Part II" (October 7, 2006) - More behind-the-scenes action.

"Actual Behind The Scenes Action" (October 11, 2006) - That time that US Weekly got involved...

"Guess Who Went To The Premiere Of That Film About French People Where Everyone Has American Accents?" (October 14, 2006) - Prophecy Girl! And Jake Watch gets its first exclusive celebrity pictures (not of Jake).

"The Sunday Project: Six Month Anniversary" (October 15, 2006) - The Jake Watch-approved lifestyle.

"Prophecy Girl Gets Really Close To Jake And Then He Completely Ignores Her" (October 17, 2006) - Probably the most famous non-meeting of Jake Gyllenhaal's career.

"PG's Official Poetry Report: Recently Declassified" (October 18, 2006) - The absolute height of Gyllenscandal: Babygate.

"The Mother Of All Exclusives" (October 21, 2006) - The best interview Jake never gave.

"Just FYI" (October 23, 2006) - Ramona's red panda.

"October Sky Part 1" (October 2006) - Anneka's back!

"A Halloween Film Pitch For Jake By Britpopbaby" (October 31, 2006) - britpop rewrites Carrie.

"What With It Being November And All" (November 1, 2006) - October Sky, Part 2.

"Jake Watch Election Day Special!" (November 7, 2006) - Everything you ever wanted to know about American politics.

"It's Still October In Movie Review Terms" (November 11, 2006) - October Sky, Part 3.

"Yeah, You Think You Know Where These Pictures Came From..." (November 15, 2006) - The first hint of the Jake Watch movie (outside of The Old Forum)...

"I'd Like To Be The First To Review Zodiac" (November 18, 2006) - Jake Watch is always on top of things.

"Whose Idea Was This, Then?" (November 21, 2006) - The post that comes up when you're Googling for Jake porn...

"Agents In Action: A Word From Your Leader" (November 22, 2006) - Time for a little regrouping.

"Biography" (November 23, 2006) - It's all true!!

"Yes! I Rock!" (November 24, 2006) - britpopbaby gets interviewed by associatedcontent.com.

"Sock Watch: A Drama" (November 29, 2006) - Sock Watch has never been so scandalous.

"Agent Initiation: Robert Downey, Jr." (December 2, 2006) - Because he has Jake's back.

"The Jake Fan Survey" (December 4, 2006) - Just a few questions for you to answer...

"Jake Watch News" (December 9, 2006) - You asked the questions, we answered them!

"October Sky Review Part 4" (December 10, 2006) - Pretty much what it sounds like.

"Hey, Jake's PR. I'm Billing You By The Hour For This." (December 11, 2006) - The first (and only) comprehensive analysis of Jake Gyllenhaal fans on the internet. Complete with pie charts!

"Jake Watch Uncovers Scandal!" (December 14, 2006) - Jungle Jake!

"International Jake Day" (December 19, 2006) - We wanted to do something nice for Jake's birthday, but instead, we just put up this post.

"Yo Ho Ho Ho" (December 24, 2006) - It's Christmas...Jake Watch style!

"Back To Business" (December 29, 2006) - If you ever wondered about the many style transformations of the blog...

"Auld Lang Syne, Dudes" (December 31, 2006) - Jake Watch rolls in the New Year.

"Film Secrets" (January 1, 2007) - More Jake Secrets!

"A Pointless Exercise In Gyllenhaal Heritage Studies" (January 9, 2007) - Proof that Jake Gyllenhaal really does resemble Jake Gyllenhaal.

"In Fromage" (January 13, 2006) - BPB and PG compose a rap in honor of Jake's impending "Saturday Night Live" appearance.

"The As-It-Happens SNL Recap" (January 14, 2007) - Complete with ratings and more rapping! Two weeks later, the blog would be revamped SNL-style.

[No Corresponding Post] (January 15, 2007) - The new Jake Watch Forum opens for business and the old one becomes obsolete.

"Oh My God, Oh My God, Oh My God" (January 18, 2007) - Jake shows up in GQ Magazine.

"Zodiac? Who Cares About Zodiac?" (January 18, 2007) - Jake Watch: The Movie, AKA The Day After Tomorrow Never Dies AKA TDATND, starts getting heavy promotion...

"Um...Do You Guys Know What's Going On?" (January 20, 2007) - BPB and PG are kidnapped. Gasp!

"Initial Status Report" (January 23, 2007) - After days of chaos, the mysterious Number Six (whose user name is later changed to "Jake") takes over all posting on Jake Watch.

"Boo Watch: Is Boo A Republican?" (January 24, 2007) - The biggest political scandal to ever hit the Gyllenhaals.

"Paramount Brings It, Jake Watch Brings It Harder" (January 30, 2007) - The TDATND/Zodiac promotional war rages on as Jake Watch opens website after website to compete with the big guys.

"Hello My Dahlings" (January 31, 2007) - Madame Swiss joins Team Jake Watch, and tackles those pesky romance rumors.

"About" (February 1, 2007) - What do you want to know? (The number of blogger profiles can be deceiving.)

"Jake Takes Time Out Of Busy Shooting Schedule To Make Jake Watch Premiere" (February 2, 2007) - The Day After Tomorrow Never Dies, Part 1 is unveiled (a complete movie script written by Jake Watch for Jake Watch).

"Worrying Times" (February 8, 2007) - Archnemesis Uncle Jack Nasty is back!

"The Most Exciting News Since This Time Last Week" (February 9, 2007) - TDATND, Part Deux!

"Celebrity Skin: Hold Me" (February 10, 2007) - The first (only) official Jake Watch Book Review.

"Gimma A B! Gimme An A! Gimme A F, T, A And A Lowercase S!" (February 11, 2007) - Anneka live-blogs the BAFTA's!

"Wow, Paramount. Just...Wow." (February 13, 2007) - A Sock Watch, clips from Zodiac, pictures from Zodiac...an impressive display from the corporate bigwigs.

"Happy Valentine's Day, Love Jake (Watch)" (February 14, 2007) - The first ever Jake Watch Craft Project: Be Jake's Valentine.

"What?! No!!!" (February 16, 2007) - Part 3 of TDATND.

"Another Jake Watch Exclusive Interview" (February 20, 2007) - Who needs words when facial expressions can say so much?

"The End Is Pretty Seriously Nigh" (February 22, 2007) - The final installment of TDATND, complete with award solicitations.

"2007 Jake Watch Oscar Coverage" (February 25, 2007) - We boycotted. So did Jake. Fuck you, Crash.

"Jake Watch: A Fulfilling Multi-Media Experience" (February 26, 2007) - The TDATND soundtrack is released.

"Jake Week Official Kickoff - Letterman Style" (February 27, 2007) - Live-blogging to commemorate the commencement of one week of incessant Jake interviews.

"Prophecy Girl Reports From The Red Carpet...Or At Least Down The Street From It!" (March 2, 2007) - PG is unkidnapped long enough to fly to LA, miss Jake by 3,000 miles, and get kicked off the Paramount lot.

"Jake Gyllenhaal Esquire, From The Press Pitt Point Of View" (March 6, 2007) - The author of Celebrity Skin gives us an exclusive peek at what it's like to interview The Gyllenhaal.

"Excuse Me, I Have To Call Everyone I've Ever Met Right Now" (March 6, 2007) - Kitty Fangirl makes her first appearance since TDATND.

"Zodiac: Let's Mull It Over" (March 9, 2007) - Jake Watch's first Official New-Jake-Movie Movie Review. It's atypically serious (and long).

** Around this time, Number Six disappears and britpopbaby and Prophecy Girl come back permanently.

"Reel Cinema" (March 11, 1007) - After a slight hiatus, Anneka's October Sky Review charges on.

"Super-Jake!" (March 15, 2007) - The ultimate guide to Jake as a super-hero.

"October Sky: Is This Goodbye?" (March 18, 2007) - The end of Anneka's October Sky Review.

"Once Again, The Paparazzi Lie" (March 21, 2007) - Safari Jake!

"The Gyllenhaal Masterclasses" (March 23, 2007) - "How To Make People Who Are Usually Attractive Look Less Attractive"

"Show Me The Money!" (March 26, 2007) - The Jake Watch Store opens for business.

"Store Post Numero Dos" (March 27, 2007) - Showing off the t-shirt designs.

"(Drum Roll Please) Sock Watch" (March 27, 2007) - Oh, hells yes.

"Quote Of The Year" (April 2, 2007) - Jake Watch gears up to start its first anniversary celebration.

"Happy Anniversary, Jake Watch!" (April 3, 2007) - Jake stops by to say "hi" and talk about his sock choices.

"It's Our Birthday And We'll Photoshop Ridiculous Photos Of Jake If We Want To" (April 3, 2007) - britpopbaby reflects.

"You're All Invited!" (April 10, 2007) - To the play "Three Compañeros," about Jake, Matt, and Lance. And the writer stops by Jake Watch!

"Holy Goose Gog-Eyes!" (April 11, 2007) - Madame Swiss boldly takes on the gay rumors.

"We'll Fight Them On The Beaches, We'll Fight Them At The Smoothie Stand" (April 13, 2007) - Jake Watch starts a petition to take down Jake's lame-ass Official Site, eventually rustling up 242 signatures. The site remains.

"Boo's Mysterious Disappearance Solved*" (April 17, 2007) - Well, not really, unless you believe the Puggles of the Caribbean story.

"OMG, I Have The Best Idea Ever!" (April 25, 2007) - Why don't we nominate Jake for President of the United States?!

"Oh, For The Love Of Boo" (May 2, 2007) - Tachegate.

"There's A Special Place In Heaven For Agents Who Mail These" (May 3, 2007) - Fun with Boo and the U.S. Postal Service!

"Jake Watch Awards Honorary Lifetime Membership" (May 9, 2007) - To Amy Macdonald, for writing a song about Jake.

"Tony Blair Announces His Retirement As Leader Of The British Government..." (May 10, 2007) - And more importantly, SOCK WATCH.

"I Got The Johnson's Baby Powder And The Polo Cologne" (May 18, 2007) - Anneka starts on City Slickers!

"Jake Watch Exclusive!" (May 19, 2007) - And we fooled every last one of you!

"The All New JW.com Means Business" (June 1, 2007) - Jake Watch gets its last new look! Jake Monroe becomes an instant classic.

"Hot Off The Press!" (June 6, 2007) - The return of The Daily Jake Watch. Jake, you naughty boy.

"Frankie Explains..." (June 8, 2007) - Jake's real manager starts writing for Jake Watch.

"Jake Sings Brokeback Theme Song To Crowd Of Millions" (June 10, 2007) - The post that inspired the post that inspired the rumor...

"Ooo, get her!" (June 15, 2007) - Jake Watch reports on Jake's new clothing line.

"Jake and Reese: The True Story" (June 21, 2007) - The Gyllenspoon Cafe.

"Sneaker Watch: Officially Vetoed" (June 25, 2007) - Though that didn't stop the masses from continuing to ask for it.

"PM Backs Young Buck In White House Race" (June 26, 2007) - The Jake in '08 MySpace page (version 1.0) goes live!

"Jake's First Campaign Scandal - We're So Proud!" (June 28, 2007) - The Stewart/Colbert Team starts with the mudslinging.

"The Second Campaign Scandal Hits Hard" (July 1, 2007) - Harry Potter Gyllenhaal.

"Jake Watch Reverses 231 Years Of American Independence" (July 4, 2007) - Happy Fourth of July!

"Paparazzi Get Sloppy" (July 11, 2007) - Grassland Jake.

"Bygone Days" (July 16, 2007) - A history of Boo on Jake Watch.

"I'm Sure You're Sad..." (July 24, 2007) - But don't be! Because we have exclusive Jake pictures.

"It's Okay..." (August 1, 2007) - Jake Watch will get you through the pain of Jake dating with our patented Jake-Has-A-Girlfriend Disaster Kit.

"Rendition Trailer: Digested, Discussed, Dissected" (August 2, 2007) - With so long between movies, even a trailer (or something resembling it) gets the full treatment.

"Help! I Need Somebody. Help! Not Just Anybody..." (August 7, 2007) - Madame Swiss launches her advice column.

"Jake Watch Guide To Raceday Etiquette" (August 12, 2007) - Runners unite!

"The Anti-Climax Of The Year" (August 15, 2007) - Hey, is that Ramona's name on that plaque?

"Examining The 'It' Factor Of Two Male Popular Culture Icons In Accordance To The Arbritary Standards Of One Internet Community" (August 22, 2007) - Jake or Zach Efron? You be the judge.

"Hey Jake." (August 29, 2007) - PG announces she's going to Toronto and plays up the pity factor.

"Jake And PG's Excellent Conversation" (September 8 , 2007) - At last they meet! Both are underwhelmed.

"The Official Jake Watch Rendition Post (Spoilers Tagged), AKA The Longest Post In The History Of The World" (September 10, 2007) - Jake Watch's second Official New-Jake-Movie Movie Review...and it's even less funny than the first one.

"Canada Backs Gyllenhaal's Rogue Presidential Campaign" (September 11, 2007) - Jake Watch questions wind up in the National Post of Canada...and are credited to IHJ.

"Sock Watch: A Poetic Vision" (September 13, 2007) - Socks and haikus. Only on Jake Watch.

"That Link On The Sidebar?" (September 15, 2007) - After being cruelly deleted by MySpace with no explanation, the Jake in '08 profile (version 2.0) is recreated and relaunched.

"Fun With SiteMeter" (September 18, 2007) - Our 650th post (!).

"Fuck That Shit" (September 22, 2007) - The last of many, many times we pissed people off a really, really lot.

"Interview Interview!" (September 26, 2007) - Controversy squelched, we get to the heart of the matter.

"Emergency Post On Account Of Us Being Right" (September 29, 2007) - Our (fake) report that Jake was releasing an album of acoustic Civil War songs showed on no fewer than 9 gossip sites in at least 2 different languages and became the talk of the internet.

"Jake Watch Exclusive: More Info On The Gyllenhaal's Album" (October 1, 2007) - Because with attention like that, we'd be fools not to run with it.

"Ask Not What Jake Watch Can Do For You..." (October 4, 2007) - Jake Watch launches its (unsuccessful) bi-country e-mail campaign.

"Quote Of The Week: Donkey Edition" (October 8, 2007) - Jake's Presidential campaign slogan is launched.

"Friday Night With Jonathan Ross With Guest Star Jake Gyllenhaal As Live-Blogged By britpopbaby Exclusively For Jake Watch" (October 12, 2007) - The live-blog returns!

"Showdown: Tonight On Letterman" (October 16, 2007) - The start of a live-blogging marathon...but not the start of anything interesting between Jake and 50 Cent.

"I Would Say The End Is Pretty Seriously Nigh" (October 25, 2007) - The announcement that Jake Watch will be ending soon...but when?

"Romagate" (October 27, 2007) - Who is Jake really dating?

"The Last Post" (November 2, 2007) - And that's a wrap.

OCTOBER SKY PART 1

Remember when I asked you which film you'd like to see reviewed next and you arkward sods chose Brokeback Mountain? Well tough, cos Anneka has reviewed October Sky instead.

Welcome to Anneka’s Picture House. BYO usherette.

Ah Autumn. Is there any finer time of the year? Yes. Summer. But anyway, let’s celebrate Autumn, not by dressing up and asking strangers for sweets – we can do that any old weekend. Instead, let’s watch my new favourite Jake film, October Sky. Despite what piss I might rip out of it in the near future, it’s ace, see it.

Adverts. If I started a woman’s insurance company called Diamond, it would have taken me a lot less than two years to come up with the slogan ‘Diamond is a girl’s best friend’. Maybe I should work in advertising…Maybe I should get on with the review

Film’s starting. Voice Over informs us that the Russians have launched a satellite into orbit. Good for them. Shots of a depressing looking coal mine like the one I worked in as a child when times were hard and I slept in the piano stool. Shots of grubby miners looking depressed. They should be. Working in a Movie Mine, you are guaranteed an accident. People gather around their radios, hearing about Sputnik, the satellite and also the name of my fake Auntie’s dog. Small world. The barber’s stopped shaving someone’s face. That’s not how you make money son. And now the Commies are spying on you, you wanna work twice as hard before they take your money, divide it amongst everyone and send you to a commune where you’ll be paid in carrots. That’s what Marx wanted, right?

Voice Over tells us Sputnik will be visible at night as it crosses the October Sky. There’s a group of people who go to the cinema and when they hear the name of the film uttered e.g. “Welcome to the Moulin Rouge!”, “You’re the wedding singer” or “Lil shop, lil shop of horrors”, they stand up, applaud, and leave. Bet they were pissed off at having to sit through all three Lord of the Rings films waiting for someone to say “Frodo, truly you are Lord of The Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring can now depart”. We are informed this is based on a true story. October Sky, not Lord of the Rings.

Jake’s friends have come to pick him up in their car. Jake’s sporting a cute Southern accent. I do loves my Southern Gentlemen, sitting on the porch of my plantation, telling me life is like a boxa choclits while Atlanta burns in the distance. Jake’s one friend appears to be called Row-Lee, but I may be having some trouble with Jake’s accent. We are in Coalwood, West Virginia. Somebody certainly used their imaginations when naming the town with the coal mine. Row-Lee’s car is very slow. I see where this is going. They’re going to be inspired by Sputnik to try and get around by rocket power!

Jake is playing football. His brother asks the opposing team to go easy on him. But Jake’s a tough guy. He’ll kick their asses so hard…Nope, Jake’s sprawled on his back. Just how we like him. Evil chuckle. Jake tries to psyche the other team out. “I’m gonna run right over you, you sonofabitch.” The guy on the other team looks scared, not ’cos he’s threatened but because Jake is being weird. Jake predictably gets knocked down. Medic! Medic! The coach sends Homer (Jake) off before he dies. Jake looks disappointed. Has anyone ever known anyone called Homer that wasn’t a cartoon character or a Greek poet?

Cut to Other Friend trying to start the car while Jake and Row-Lee push it. See, now my rocket power transportation idea doesn’t seem so stupid, does it? Jake is moaning about the football players getting scholarships. Now they’re reading about Sputnik. Row-Lee says “Who needs outer space? We got rock and roll.” Beneath the attractive haircut, a brain full of bran. Jake’s Movie Dad appears to be the Nazi Plate Collector from American Beauty, but with more coal dust on his face as we hear him yelling at a character named Jake down the mine. That’s a happy coincidence. Nazi Plate Collector sees a guy whacking a pillar with a sledge hammer. That’s a real clever thing to do down a coalmine, Jensen. Nazi Plate Collector jumps on Jensen and the roof collapses. Ten minutes in and we’ve already got our first coal mine disaster. That could be a record.

Above ground, sirens are going off. Jake and Friends run to the mine, ’cos they’re nosey bitches. Jensen is told that Nazi Plate Collector saved his life. Jake looks so proud, his baby blues sparkling like diamonds in the coal dust as he says, “That’s my Dad.” Then Nazi Plate Collector fires Jensen for bringing the roof down, which is fair play. Would you want to be working in a mine with someone who had a history of doing that? Everyone else seems pissed at Nazi Plate Collector, including Jake who says in a less proud voice, “That’s my Dad.” Nazi Plate Collector then comes to see Jake, asking how football went. Ooooooh, touchy subject NPC, like the Oscar going to Crash. NPC says Jake should shovel coal to build up his muscles. Yeah, and you know where you can stick that shovel NPC. Jake was meant to soar with the A-List, not dig in the dirt. Another miner comes along and makes fun of Jake for his aversion to coal mining. You wait til another roof collapses on you mate, won’t be laughing so hard then. Random miner says coming from Coalwood means you have to be a coal miner. Does that mean people from Liverpool have to have livers? Or pools? Jake looks v. unimpressed.

Coalwood school. Sam Neill’s Bit On The Side From Jurassic Park and Jurassic Park Three Claw Marks is making her class listen to the radio about Sputnik. Most of the class, except American Pie’s The Shermanator, are unimpressed. The Shermanator tells us some statistics while Jake makes eyes at some Susie Highschool bird across the classroom. Mrs Sam Neill shows off her southern accent and when she catches Jake drooling over Susie, says “I got my eye on you boy”. Back off Misses, you’re committed to Sam Neill. From the back of the classroom, a Plainer Jane makes longing eyes at Jake. I know how you feel love. Not about the plainer part. ’Cos I am one foxymoron.

People gather at night to watch the satellite passing by. One Cold War random says it’s taking pictures. Yeah, the Russians really want a picture of you. It’s Jake they’re after and he’s busy on the porch learning how to scam on chicks at movies, which somehow ends with Row-Lee giving Jake a nipple twist. Back off Row-Lee, Jake likes girls in this film as well. Someone shouts they can see it, the satellite not Jake’s nipple, and Jake takes the bait and comes off the porch. All the extras look up and point. A dot of light travels across the starry sky. Jake is suitably impressed and stays looking at it while everyone else pisses off home.

The next morning, Jake’s New Movie Mom is pouring tea – yay! – while NPC and Jake’s brother are chatting about football scouts and how proud NPC is of his oldest boy. In the middle of all this, Jake looks up from his breakfast with a big dopey grin on his face and says in his best Southern accent “I’m gonna build a rocket.” Awww, bless. NPC is unimpressed. New Movie Mom tells him not to blow himself up in the way that a teacher tells a small child not to hurt themselves with the safety scissors.

Jake’s friends come round to see him let off his first rocket. Just as Row-Lee asks if they should get behind something, the rocket explodes, throwing all three of them T over A and sprinkling them with bits of picket fence. New Movie Mom runs out and asks what happened. Jake says my bad. New Movie Mom says “Didn’t I tell you not to blow yourself up?”. Jake looks sheepish. Awww don’t embarrass him in front of Row-Lee and the other one.

Jake Voice Over reading a letter he’s written to some American rocket scientist that sounds like Doctor Van Damme. Doctor Jean-Claude Van Damme. Voice Over Jake sends his condolences as we watch an American rocket attempt explode, destroying all picket fences around it. Jake can’t find any reading material in Coalwood as during the coal shortage of ’49, all books were used as fuel. Jake eyes The Shermanator’s big book with a predatory look on his pretty face.
Jake’s friends try to talk him out of hanging with The Shermanator, it being social suicide. Jake gives Plainer Jane the brush-off and goes to talk to The Shermanator. The cafeteria goes silent. In a German accent, DA SHERMANATOR DOES NOT LET ANYVUN COPY HIS HOMEVORK. Awww, if he was not made of metal, or ginger, I’d hug him. Jake asks him if he knows about rockets. OF COURSE DA SHERMANATOR KNOWS ABOUT RACKETS. Jake wants him to go to the library with him. The Shermanator obviously computes this as some sort of sexual advance and doesn’t want to. Despite being stared at by everyone, Jake sits down. There are gasps among the cool students, like when super-stud Ross Townley sat at my lunch table once…Sorry, I was miles away. DA SHERMANATOR VANTS TO KNOW VAT JAKE VANTS TO KNOW ABOUT RACKETS. Jake gives a slightly evil smile and says everything. The Shermanator starts his computer programme that tells Jake everything about rockets. Jake orders Row-Lee to drive them to his house where they play in the basement, cutting up metal and brooms and mixing dangerous chemicals. They have a rocket-shaped implement but need to weld something onto it. Row-Lee points out that they don’t know how to weld. Well learn boy, learn! What use are you to us otherwise? Jake’ll kick you out of the Basement Gang for sure.

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Tune in again soon for Part 2 and then maybe 3 or 4.

OCTOBER SKY REVIEW PART 4

I forgot all about this! See, this is why I could never actually run a top secret militant organisation...but Prophecy Girl totally could.

Oh, I also just learnt that 'October Sky' is an anagram of 'Rocket Boys'. GENIUS.

Read PART 1 here.
Read PART 2 here.
Read PART 3 here.

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In a tantrum, Jake goes outside and sits on a car, thinking about how shitty his life has become within the last twenty-four hours. So this is what it feels like to be Jack Bauer eh? Oh look, is that Elisha Cuthbert come to comfort him? No, it’s the next best thing. No, not Row-Lee. It’s Plainer Jane, who is even wearing a plainer cardigan of the same colour as Susie Highschool. Jake looks less than impressed to see her – perhaps he was hoping for Row-Lee – and utters her name but his accent and the sighing nature of his voice gives away hardly a syllable. Whatever her name is, she’s glad Jake didn’t go to jail. Jake is again unmoved. What the hell’s the matter with the boy? Like a good JW agent, she doesn’t take the hint and hangs around telling him his rockets were exciting. You haven’t seen his best rocket yet love. Her sudden scientific interest makes Jake look at her in a new light and the music build on the soundtrack.

A few minutes later, they’re parked under the railway bridge in the back of a car, both looking nervous. I would be too after all the railway line the Rocketeers have been nicking, the train could come off the track and crush them flat. Jake asks if she’s seen Frankenstein Meets The Wolfman. I’m unsure where he’s going with this until I recall him and Row-Lee practicing for scary movies on the porch way back when Jake had never even seen Sputnik. Jake’s about to give her a nipple-twist when a car horn goes off and someone’s calling his name. There are three of them so I’m guessing it’s the rest of the Rocketeers.

Cut to a truck driving erratically through the rain. Jake is dropped off and he runs indoors where New Movie Mom is sitting in the dark. This does not bode well. She says if NPC dies, she won’t shed a tear. Shit. We hear the sirens and Jake heads for the mine. There are ambulances and families huddled under umbrellas waiting for news. The ambulances aren’t under umbrellas - can you imagine how big an umbrella you’d need to huddle an ambulance underneath? The mine elevator is coming up as Jake gets there. As miners tumble out, people shove aside crowd barriers. Wow, it’s like a Jake premiere. Jake hasn’t seen his Dad. And there’s a body. Hankies at the ready people. Someone peels back the blanket, Jake’s face is torn as he sees who it is. Oh, you crafty film-makers. Tis not NPC, tis Euro-Mining Previously Welding Guy. Jake feels incredibly guilty and is about to try and comfort Euro-Mining Guy’s family when someone yells “Hickam’s hurt!”, Hickam being NPC’s real name. Well, Chris Cooper’s his real name but you get the picture. NPC is carried out of the mine with a fractured skull and man-handled into an ambulance. Jake is left standing in the rain, reaching for Euro-Mining Guy’s ID token – 723. Not a dry eye in the house as Jake looks with horror towards the steaming mineshaft, knowing it will be his destiny now his rockets are out of the picture.

At home, Jake, New Movie Mom and Brother of Jake are sharing a cuppa. They have a cup each, things aren’t that bad just yet. Although they are for NPC as it seems he may be losing an eye and the coalboard won’t pay for his medical treatment. Bureaucrats. Brother of Jake offers to go down the mine but New Movie Mom won’t hear of it as he has to finish school to go on his scholarship. Jake says he’ll go instead. New Movie Mom makes no objection. What a bitch. Jake looks frightened about working in the mine. He should be. Decapitations, death, dirty faces – the mine don’t mess around.

Jake’s in the headmaster’s office, quitting school. The headmaster tells him it’s nothing to be ashamed of. Damn right it’s not. He’s mining to save his father’s sight and his family’s tea-set. It’s the most honourable thing a rocket geek can do. He’s clearing out his locker when he spots Mrs Sam Neill giving him the evil eye. He chases her down the corridor but she does not stop or talk to him. What a bitch! Weren’t you here for the ‘he’s mining to save his father’s sight and his family’s tea-set’? He doesn’t want to mine, he wants to build rockets with his gang of faithful Rocketeers. He certainly doesn’t want to be getting up in the middle of the night as we see him do in the next scene. His Mum picked him out some nice blue PJs. He takes his new miner’s hat out of the plastic wrapper, ignoring the picture of Doctor Van Damme next to it. He cuts a very dashing profile as he puts it on his head. The hat, not the picture.

Irish music plays as Jake steps into the mine elevator for the first time. He looks up through the wire of the elevator. And sees Sputnik moving across the Not-Anymore-October-Sky. His blue eyes shine in the dark as the elevator starts to sink. He does not lower his head until someone tells him to turn on his miner’s hat. Good, he remembered to put batteries in it. He climbs out of the elevator and looks so scared I want to climb through the screen a la the creepy Japanese girl in The Ring and give him a hug.

Honey, NPC’s home. New Movie Mom is showing him carbon crystals that he gave her on their honeymoon. I suppose they’re nearly the same as diamonds, just a few thousand years, a few thousand tones of pressure and a few thousand dollars difference. Jake comes to talk to NPC, looking like he has Bert from Sesame Street eyebrows because of the coal-dust. In contrast, NPC has a bandage over one of his eyes. Jake says he feels responsible over Euro-Mining Guy’s death. NPC says he gave Euro-Mining Guy the chance to go back to the workshop but that he wanted to stay in the mine because the money was better. So really, it was Euro-Mining Guy’s own fault, wanting to buy diamonds for his wife instead of just sticking with carbon crystals like NPC did. Jake still looks sad. And in need of a bath. NPC asks if mining is that bad. Jake says yes. Straight to the point. NPC coughs a lot, movie-speak for ‘about to kick the bucket’.

Jake’s invited the ex-Rocketeers for lunch on a log outside the mine. Apparently, Mrs Sam Neill has a new boyfriend so she hasn’t been around much. I can’t believe the headmaster would give her time off to hang with her boyfriend instead of teaching class. DA SHERMANATOR ASKS VAT IT’S LIKE DOWN DARE. Jake ignores that and shows them his newly toned muscles. They all have a feel. How do you sign up to be a Rocketeer so I can feel Jake’s muscles? Row-Lee says no wonder his step-daddy can kick his ass. Jake eagerly says “Come down the mine” but Row-Lee is in no hurry. He’s got cars to shoot at and girls to nipple-twist.

Dinner at the Hickham house. NPC, bandage-free and still with two eyes, is finally proud of Jake for making a sacrifice and says he’ll be able to go back to school. But Jake is fed up of learning science and arithmetic, he’s got mining fever now. New Movie Mom tries to get NPC to persuade him, but NPC’s on the side of mine. He wants as many people as possible to get sucked into it. He says Jake’s mining has made him a man. There we go Westlife, that’s what makes a man. New Movie Mom is disgusted by this and stalks off without finishing her dinner.

NPC’s back at work, fighting with the character called Jake as opposed to the real Jake. He asks how Real Jake is getting on. Affirmative – he’s the best darn underage miner they got. NPC asks if Jake wants to visit the coal face. What, the coolest part of the mine where only the VIPs get to go and drink Cristal from golden thermoses? Jake jumps at the chance. NPC and Jake do a bit of manly bonding – no, not like that – now that they’re both miners. NPC has another violent coughing fit. Does anyone else think he should be in bed and not down a mine? NPC says he was born for this, and Jake was too. Jake is not impressed with this news and gets a little misty-eyed as he starts thinking about his rockets again.

Jake comes in from a hard day in the mine and New Movie Mom comes to talk to him. Not now woman, he needs to get out of them dirty clothes and into a shower. Without his dirty clothes. New Movie Mom says something I cannot interpret. Is it their accents, my ears or the sound on my dodgy TV? Britpop, you willing to give me some petty JW cash to get a flatscreen and surround sound? Thought not. Anyway, seems like bad news as New Movie Mom puts her arms around him. Crud, has Row-Lee’s step-daddy finished him off? Has Jean-Claude Van Damme blown himself up? HAS DA SHERMANATOR BEEN CALLED BACK INTO DA MISTS OF TIME TO PERFORM SOME ASSASSINATION?

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THE NOT ENTIRELY TRUE STORY OF JAKE'S LIFE

Anneka's back! Yay! And she still hasn't figured out how to use Blogger! Yay!

Now, a week or so ago, there was a 'biography' of Jake on the 'Biography' Channel. A lot of people emailed me begging me to capture it in some kind of video format but I like letting people down so I didn't record it. What I did do though was ask Anneka to watch it for me and make detailed notes. And she did. God bless her. So, if you haven't watched it or if you have but would like to read about it then knock yourself out. Obviously it's not an accurate portrayal of Jake's life, in fact, they seem to have fabricated most of it because we all know THIS is Jake's true life story but, whatever.

And if you're one of those people who can't read beyond one paragraph I suggest you go and frolic on a spaghetti junction. Give the local law enforcement officers something to do. Only messin' with ya! Look, I rolled it up so it won't hurt your brains!

Welcome back to Anneka’s Picture House. Parking may be limited.

Today children, we’re going to have a history lesson. No, it’s not going to involve the words ‘Hitler’s Four-Year-Plan’. This is a kind of history we’re all interested in – Jake History! How many more of us would have taken A-Level History if we spent a term on Jake? Well, not on Jake…

After a fierce letter-writing campaign from those at Jake Watch and affiliated organisations, The Biography Channel have finally accepted the great Jake Gyllenhaal into their illustrious hall of fame which includes the likes of Danielle Steel and Shania Twain, and have dedicated half an hour detailing his rise from moderate rags to mucho riches. So settle back and prepare to learn all they have to teach us about the wonder that is Gyllenhaal Junior. There will be a “Pop-Quiz Hotshot” at the end and the most intelligent student will win a Kit-Kat. That somebody else will provide.

Before the extravaganza begins, we have an advert for people who want their vision fixed. They have a special offer for pirates – only £595 per eye. There’s also a cheesy advert for yet another Motown CD collection. How can Michael Jackson be bankrupt when he’s on EVERY Motown CD ever made at least twice? Oh that’s right, them lawsuits.

Here we go. The announcer calls Jake “the dah-ling of the tabloids”. That’s a bit Stephen Fry. Young-Hollywood-Awards Jake Complete With Tufty Hair tells us he’ll keep doing it until he can’t do it no more. Damn it, he’s talking about acting. And then he’ll find another vocation. Seems like he wants to be the next Olsen twin. Those girls got their fingers in every pie. Except they never actually eat the pie.

Uber-cute shot of Mini-Cowboy Jake Complete With Hat And Lasso. Man, he knew what he wanted to be when he grew up. Apparently, his fans describe themselves as “Gyllen-holics”. I always thought we were just called plain “Stay the hell away from me or so help me God!” Voice-Over Man tells us Jake’s films often represent his ethics - all Bubble Boys should be set free to find their girlfriends and Jake will fight for that right.

Jake tells us he’s in the business because his family is in the business. Is his brother Fredo sleeping with the fishes? Then comes the bit Jake will see again on This Is Your Life. Dennis Quaid sings his praises, saying he’s got a great future ahead of him. Quaid knows. Next is a rather heavily made-up Jena Malone calling him amazing. Malone knows too. And the guest of honour – “You played his lover while you should have been tending sheep and you’re also Godfather to his baby. That’s right, it’s your pal Heath Ledger.” Heath couldn’t have asked for a better actor or a nicer person on Brokeback Mountain. ‘Cos Christian Slater’s too old for that gig now.

Cue Jake Sporting A Bit Of A Quiff receiving a kiss from Jamie Lee Curtis, his Godmother. Voice-Over Man tells us that Jake’s family ties helped him out in a cut-throat business. Loan-sharking.

This is what I love about The Biography Channel. They get in complete randoms to tell us stuff that they’ve guessed about famous people they’ve never met. Maybe I should get a job with them. Anyway, Mike Goodridge of Screen International, tells us Jake has been playing stimulating provocative roles since he was a teenager and this, along with his good looks – good looks? Hadn’t noticed - have helped make him the Hollywood A-Lister he is today.

Born Jacob Benjamin Gyllenhaal on 19th December 1980 in Los Angeles, Jake had the unfortunate burden thrust upon him of receiving the ‘combined-Birthday-and-Christmas-presents’. Uber-Cute Mini-Cowboy Jake returns, saying his parents helped him out a lot. Like giving him his bath, putting him to bed. Apparently he was offered a lot of movies that his parents turned down. Oh Papa Gyllenhaal! If Jake wanted to be in Nightmare on Elm Street 17, you shouldn’t have stood in his way!

Jake played Billy Crystal’s son in City Slickers. I’ve only ever seen City Slicker 2. There was some sitting on of cacti which I enjoyed a lot. Mini Jake says he learned acting from Billy Crystal. Hmmmmm. Mini-Jake also says he likes it when people come up to him and compliment him. Take note people. If you compliment him first, your chances of getting him in your car are highly improved. Mini-Jake says he likes riding horses but he’s not very good at it. Awww, he says he’s scared of horses. Me too Mini-Jake, me too. And we’ve both been to New York. Now we’ve got enough in common that we’ll still have something to talk about after the wedding.

Mini-Jake then partakes in a little circus freakery in the form of making his shoulder pop out. He says he’s double-jointed. Always good to know things like that about the men you admire/stalk. Mini-Jake hopes he can do more movies like that. So how come he wasn’t involved in City Slickers 2? He could have sat on cacti like anyone’s business.
Shot of Jake with some bad lighting that makes his skin look green. Voice-Over Man names two films I never knew existed and will now somehow have to find the means of reviewing. Thanks a lot Voice-Over Man. His father directed A Dangerous Woman, his mother wrote A Dangerous Woman. Wonder how Jake got a part in A Dangerous Woman, eh? Wish my mother had written Moonlight Mile. Damn her nine-til-five job that kept her away from screenwriting. Jake was also in another film directed by his father, Home-Grown and was very successful in October Sky, which might be one of my new favourite Jake films.

Jake’s best friend from Screen International pops up again to inform us that in October Sky, Jake proved he could hold his own with big actors like Chris Cooper and Laura Dern. What? The blonde from Jurassic Park? The Screen International guy simpers over the fabulousness of Jake. Man, I hate people who do that.

Voice-Over Man tells us Jake attended Columbia University but dropped out after two years. And then they do the most hilarious thing ever – they cut to Jake in his Bubble Boy suit. I am hard pressed not to fall of the sofa laughing. I have the utmost respect for Bubble Boy, it’s fantastic but the way they cut from college to Bubble Boy makes it look as if Jake dropped out of Columbia in order to go gallivanting around in a plastic bubble.

Mini-Jake has grown up a lot and evolved-Pokemon style into Handsome Clean-Shaven Jake. He tells us about the metaphor behind Bubble Boy – everyone’s in their own little bubble, physical or not. This deep thought is followed by a shot of Mini-Me Verne Troyer beating the shit out of Jake’s bubble. I really have got to give props to the editor. Jake then makes a bit of a weird comment, saying that the movie is an equally offending movie. It’s nice to know Jake considers the offensiveness of scripts when picking them.

Really cute shot of Jake being the goldfish in his bubble on Halloween in Bubble Boy. The producer of Bubble Boy emphasizes that Jimmy needed heart and charm inside his bubble and that they saw so many young men before they found Jake on a Saturday morning, watching his cartoons with his Cheerios. Okay, maybe it was at a casting session. The director knew Jake was the guy for him two minutes after he met him. Me too Blair Hayes, me too.

Voice-Over Man says Jake learnt to act inside the bubble. But I thought he learnt to act from Billy Crystal? Jake also says he learnt to lip-read inside the bubble. Anyone else wanna go to Bubble University? Seems like it’s the place to learn stuff. He also does his squeaky Jimmy voice. Awwww. Why did that bimbo from Bubble Boy run off with the other guy? Oh yeah, ‘cos he wasn’t in a bubble. Jake announces his motivation came from the bubble. Man, he loves that bubble. Shot of Jake being helped into his bubble by someone in floral poncho while Voice-Over Man reveals the tricks of the movie business – while filming Bubble Boy, they didn’t really go to Niagara Falls! Holy shitting God.

Voice-Over Man mocks Jake by describing Donnie Darko as a disturbed teenager who follows the voice of a six foot rabbit. I hate people who mock Jake’s films, really I do. Jake is a little more rugged now and he’s discovered hair product. He’s looking like Jared Leto here. Hope that’s not going to continue as Jared Leto apparently has gout. Jake says Donnie Darko is the anti-teen movie because it deals with isolation. I think the bubble metaphor has gone to his head. Donnie Darko was shot in 28 days on a budget of less than 5 million dollars. Man, I can make a film like that! All I need is a copy of David Soul’s Don’t Give Up On Us Baby, a backdrop of Paris and a small aubergine. Jake says he did research on schizophrenia, but then put it all aside. That’s the kind of research I like – “Yeah I looked at some stuff, but I didn’t use it.” It’s like, invisible research.

Donnie Darko got Jake nominated for an Independent Spirit Award. Is that like something out of Bring It On? And it won him a Young Hollywood Award too. Thank you giant talking rabbit. While Jake is saying it’s great to be acknowledged, there’s an oddly effeminate photo of Hayden Christensen behind him in a black polo neck. Interesting. Screen International is back, saying Donnie Darko helped Jake’s career because it was a cult movie. God I’m glad Screen International is here. Who would have realised things like this without him? Voice-Over Man tells us that Jake started to get cast in romantic roles. Like in the dreams of teens world-wide.
Adverts. Christ. James Blunt has also been allowed a spot on the Biography Channel. I am fighting the urge not to change channels. Or be sick.

Back to Jake. He had a role in Lovely and Amazing with a girl with lank hair. Then The Good Girl came along. There’s Jake and there’s that one out of Friends. Jake in Grey T-shirt Looking Hot says the writer and director wouldn’t let him have any control during filming. That’s because that’s the director’s job, Jake. Actors act, or try to, and directors direct, or try to. The director tells us they tried to make The Good Girl like a prison movie. Well, you forgot a couple of props there mate, like orange jumpsuits and posters obtained by Morgan Freeman. Hey, prison is like a bubble too! Jake really did have it right. We’re all in bubbles, physically or metaphorically. I feel like I’m really learning things about life from this thirty-minute epic.
Jake and that one off Friends are playfully playing with one another. Jake announces he’s gonna go and play her on Friends while she says she’s gonna play Donna Darko. Jake laughs so it must be funny. Jake asks her if she can do ‘the look’. That one off Friends asks him if he can carry off her haircut. Not really but it would have been more interesting than “I’ll work on it”.

Now it’s White Shirt Jake’s turn to get all excited about working with people on Moonlight Mile - Mr Focker and the whiny repressed one from Rocky Horror Picture Show. The girl. Jake gets a little rambly about working with stars, concluding with “sometimes you just gotta slap yourself in the face and just keep going”. Jake hopes the film makes us want to make real connections with people. Damn it, he’s not talking about himself. Somehow Jake got himself invited to Susan Sarandon’s Walk of Fame star ceremony. He looks a bit uncomfortable though as everyone else there seems to be press or family.

Okay, here she comes. Drumroll please, it’s Kirsten. I was wondering when she’d put in an appearance. On kissing scenes, Kirsten says Jake doesn’t care, “he’s my man”. Not anymore love, despite all your desperate attempts to rekindle romance by shagging in cars like a common hussy. Thank you News of The World.

On The Day After Tomorrow, Little Bit Of A Five O’Clock Shadow Jake says we should not only leave having had fun, but taking the message of the film with us. What, that even if the world does end, it won’t matter ‘cos we can still all move to Mexico? He also thinks that the father-son relationship is a microcosm for the neglect that we have shown the world. So the family bubble represents the whole! Let’s see if we can get any more bubble metaphors in. Jake’s character in the film was originally supposed to be an eleven year old. But when it was discovered that Jake, despite his amazing acting abilities could not accurately portray an eleven year old, they changed their minds.

Unfortunately after The Day After Tomorrow, Jake and Kirsten split up. Awwwww. No that’s a sincere awwwww. We want Jake to be happy, even if it is with people other than ourselves. However, they accompany the break-up fact with Jake looking quite cosy with some random on the red carpet. Really, no need to rub it in Kirsten’s face, Editing Man. But Jake was too busy being in Proof to mourn Kirsten. Voice-Over Man rather rudely says that “while his character is good at maths, Jake’s talents lie elsewhere”. Cheeky SOB. Jake says maths was his worst class at school – he got a B minus. Hands up who’d like a B minus to be their worst grade at school? Jake says he did some more invisible research and that mathematicians are just like everybody else. Except better at maths presumably. Ooooh, hot shot of Jake in glasses and blue jumper while in Proof. He’s apologising so I hope he just knocked Gwyneth over. That’ll show her for naming her kids after fruit and biblical beardy men.

Screen International is back, saying Jarhead elevated Jake to a heart-throb. “He was naked in a lot of the film, he had this incredibly worked-out body.” I think Screen International likes Jake. You know, like likes Jake. Quick mention of Lord Saarsgaard and Lady Gyllenahaal’s engagement and then Voice-Over Man makes Jake sound inept by describing how “he chipped a tooth by hitting himself in the face with a rifle”. I’m sure it’s easy to do Voice-Over Man. I mean britpopbaby managed it on a mug which is far less dangerous than a gun. Voice-Over Man continues “But he had a lot to smile about with his next film”. Because he got to play tonsil tennis with Heath Ledger.

More adverts. Cliff Richard’s biography a guilty pleasure? When has pleasure ever been a word anyone associated with Cliff Richard? And why do people always pick homicidal-looking men to advertise cleaning products, like Barry Scott? The Biography Channel is also advertising the voices behind the animated movies with a picture of the tiger from Aladdin. Was he voiced by Ben Affleck?

Final bit of Jake. The screenwriter of Brokeback Mountain did not think about the homosexual acts. That bit must have been hard to write then. Sexy Bearded Oscar Nominated Jake is not impressed with the ‘Gay Cowboy Movie’ title. Because it’s called Brokeback Mountain, all right? If we’d wanted it known as ‘The Gay Cowboy Movie’, it’s what we would have put on the posters. Ang Lee chose Jake and Heath. Who wouldn’t? Heath thinks Jake gave a heartbreaking performance. Awwww. Shot of Jake playing with a familiar looking puppy-dog. That’s right, Snoopy.

Heath says it doesn’t matter if the cowboys are gay. Surely it does, the film wouldn’t really have worked the same way if they’d been straight all the way through. I think what he’s trying to say is that it’s a universal love story. Yup, that’s it. Ang says Jake’s a classic romantic lead and that he and Heath make a great couple. Bet he never said that about Kirsten.

The Oscar Nomination Luncheon? Fish and chips on a wall not good enough for Oscar nominees? Jake runs on stage to receive his nomination and then tries to walk off but is dragged back for a photo. How embarrassing. Ooooh, shots of Jake in Zodiac. He has a moustache, though not as much moustache as in the 70s section of Brokeback Mountain. Screen International says Jake’s only going to get bigger and bigger. Hope not or he won’t fit in his jeans.

Awww, that’s the end. Still, I think we all learned a lot here and are very grateful for the Biography Channel’s celebration of Jake. See you next week when it’s Jude Law. Then again, maybe I’ll just watch paint dry instead.