Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Just kidding on that last one. THIS is the last post.

Remember when we told you Jake Watch was ending? And remember how we said, "The 'why?' of it all is very complicated, but perhaps to your surprise, one reason directly involves our biggest undertaking ever...and yes, it is directly related to Jake and Jake Watch."

And then remember how we said, "Who knows? We might be back."

What? Did you think we were joking?!


Jake Watch:  The full story. 


 

Available in paper or plastic!

(For more, check out www.imstalkingjake.com.)

PPPY3487SUCB

Friday, November 02, 2007

The Last Post

The complete archives are linked in the sidebar, but here are a few posts to get you started...

"Welcome Fellow Stalkers" (April 3, 2006) - And britpopbaby said, "Let there be Jake Watch."

"Quote Of The Week" (April 3, 2006) - 29 minutes after the first post, the Quote of the Week is born.

"Blatant Stalking #1" (April 3, 2006) - 1 hour after the first Quote of the Week, the Blatant Stalking Files are opened. Along with it comes the first posted picture of Jake.

"Sock Watch" (April 3, 2006) - 15 minutes after "Blatant Stalking #1," the cult favorite of Jake Watch is unveiled. (britpopbaby was very busy that first day.)

"Brokeback Mountain DVD Released Today" (April 4, 2006) - But more importantly, Heath Ledger turned 15.

"Blatant Stalking #2" (April 4, 2006) - The sign around his neck says it all.

"The Free Boo Campaign" (April 5, 2006) - "Boo Radley is not a free dog."

"Branding" (April 6, 2006) - The start of the franchise.

"Whose Idea Was This, Then?" (April 8, 2006) - Because people who take bad pictures of Jake must be held accountable.

"I Think It's Time We All Tried To Be Better People" (April 9, 2006) - Jake on the issues! And the official launch of the Sunday Project.

"Jake Watch Is One Week Old Today" (April 10, 2006) - The first of many anniversary celebrations.

"Sock Watch #2" (April 10, 2006) - The notorious ankle sock.

"It Had To Be Done: Boo Watch" (April 11, 2006) - Jake Watch expands.

"Off Topic: Another Gyllenhaal Coming Soon!!" (April 12, 2006) - The first mention of the Gyllengaard.

"Our Newest Feature: Back Away From My Man!" (April 13, 2006) - It would go on to be a classic.

"Sock Watch #3" (April 14, 2006) - The Non-Sock Watch.

"Jake Morphing Into Obi Wan Kenobi" (April 19, 2006) - The beard gets out of control.

"Um...I Think Jake Just Slipped From Deity to Mortal" (April 19, 2006) - Two words: orange spandex. Just Jared takes notice and Jake Watch reaches a new level of prestige.

"Rubric Rodeo! What?" (April 20, 2006) - Caption it!

"Ding Dong The Beard Is Dead!" (April 21, 2006) - Temporarily.

"Boo Watch: Peter Sarsgaard Not At All Impressed With Boo" (April 25, 2006) - His expression says it all.

"Virtual Jake" (April 27, 2006) - Just as creepy as it sounds.

"Sock Watch #4" (April 28, 2006) - We still don't know what color that is.

"Yeah, We Know" (May 1, 2006) - ...that Jake has an attractive M-shaped hairline.

"That Man Is A Cycling Machine" (May 1, 2006) - The title pretty much sums it up...and kicks off the Summer of Non-Stop Biking with sidekicks McMatty and Livestrong.

"Jake Watch Gets Its First Official Scoop" (May 1, 2006) - And its first mention of Claptrap.

"Jake Stalked By Non Jake Watch Operatives" (May 3, 2006) - The agent angle is revealed.

"Let Us All Just Take a Moment" (May 10, 2006) - " ...to remind ourselves why we are here..."

"The Jake Secret Project" (May 10, 2006) - Genius! If not copyright-questionable. Over 50 cards would eventually be submitted.

"Funny Secrets" (May 11, 2006) - Jake Secret Part 1.

"Fears" (May 12, 2006) - Jake Secret Part 2.

"Because I Love You [Now Deleted]" (May 13, 2006) - Picturegate! Jake Watch publishes a photo of Jake and his dad and all hell breaks loose. Long term effect? We're still assessing...

"Dear Jake" (May 13, 2006) - Jake Secret Part 3.

"Mature Secrets" (May 15, 2006) - Jake Secret Part 4.

"Dogs, Parents, Beach, Dill, Smiles" (May 15, 2006) - Because there was a time when Jake's beard was called "Dill" (naming process here) and there was even a blog about it (now defunct).

"Boo Watch: The Case Of The Missing Puggle" (May 16, 2006) - Jake Watch Super Sleuths.

"Stephen Secrets" (May 16, 2006) - Jake Secret Part 5.

"A Jake Watch Exclusive" (May 16, 2006) - Someone agreed to answer our questions...

"Misc. Secrets" (May 17, 2006) - Jake Secret Part 6.

"Jake Eats Cupcakes!" (May 17, 2006) - The first appearance of the now-legendary Sprinkles.

"This Made Me Laugh" (May 19, 2006) - Brokeback Bunnies.

"A Jake Gyllenhaal Masterclass: Flirting 101" (May 21, 2006) - Learn from the expert.

"Fan of the Week" (May 24, 2006) - Short-lived, but still an honor.

"The Not Sponsored by L'Oreal Hair Survey" (May 30, 2006) - Who doesn't love The Wet Effect?

"Blatant Stalking #4" (May 31, 2006) - Not even at the Oscar's can Jake escape.

"Ready For Some Crazy Talk?" (May 31, 2006) - Because Jake really does look like Prince Eric from The Little Mermaid.

"First Official Jake Watch Stalking Mission: Failed" (June 1, 2006) - Prophecy Girl goes to LA and eats cupcakes.

"There Is a God AKA Sock Watch #5" (June 2, 2006) - With...clogs?!

"Funny Or Not So Funny" (June 5, 2006) - Uncle Jack Nasty becomes Jake Watch's foremost Fake Jake MySpace nemesis. He would later be taken down, resurface, and then re-taken down.

"The Secret Life Of Jake And Maggie" (June 7, 2006) - Damn you, Peter Sarsgaard!!

"Why Don't We Step Up Our Weirdness?" (June 9, 2006) - The Gyllenhaal Junior Sweepstakes, AKA guess Maggie's Baby's Name and win a t- shirt!

"Stalking By Professionals" (June 10, 2006) - These people put us to shame.

"I Forgot About This!" (June 12, 2006) - Jake Watch is reviewed by Bloggy Award and, to the surprise of everyone, is labeled "obsessive."

"Sexy Secrets" (June 12, 2006) - Jake Secret Part 7.

[No Corresponding Post] (June 14, 2006) - Jake Watch launches its first message board, now affectionately known as The Old Forum.

"The Awesomeness Of Anneka" (June 15, 2006) - Anneka blogs the MTV Movie Awards.

"On A Serious Note: Jake Looks Like Simba? Discuss" (June 23, 2006) - Continuing with the Disney look-a-like theme, although getting creepier by the minute...

"Jake Walks Down The Street With A Bottle Of Water...Again" (June 23, 2006) - That's really about as exciting as it ever got.

"Last Night's Poetry Affair" (June 29, 2006) - Some people went and they saw Gyllenhaals.

"Jake Sets A Bad Example To Us All" (June 30, 2006) - Safety first, Jake!

"OMG, Jake! You So Have To Frickin Buy One Of These!" (June 30, 2006) - Or don't, because we bought one for you!

"Star Trekking Across The Universe" (July 1, 2006) - The beard is back.

"Jake Watch's Second Official Stalking Mission: Success!" (July 4, 2006) - Prophecy Girl was not involved.

"Sock Watch #5 (which is actually #6)" (July 12, 2006) - K-Fed Edition.

"Jake Gyllenhaal Gets A Preview Of The Final Harry Potter Book - Harry Potter And He's Gonna Die, OK?" (July 13, 2006) - Spoiler alert.

"Wait A Minute Mr. Postman" (July 14, 2006) - The Boo shirt!

"Jake (Watch) Wants You!" (July 15, 2006) - Prophecy Girl makes her debut, both in JW blogging and in defaming iconic images by Photoshopping Jake's face into them.

"Atticus Vs. Boo: Is Jake Showing Favoritism?" (July 15, 2006) - Boo gets his own MySpace profile.

"Prophecy Girl Watches ESPN!" (July 17, 2006) - It was the first and only time.

"Problem-Solving Exercise: Jake's Wardrobe" (July 18, 2006) - Not only does Jake wear the same thing over and over, but now Jake Watch is at www.jakewatch.com.

"Strange Coincidences In History" (July 21, 2006) - Jake meets John Lennon.

"No News Is...Good News?" (July 21, 2006) - More on the hair.

"Blatant Stalking #5" (July 22, 2006) - The nefarious Green M&M.

"Slow News Day?" (July 24, 2006) - Jake Gyllenhaal: The Multitasker.

"My Lucky Day! AKA Sock Watch #6...Or #7...Or Whatever!" (July 25, 2006) - Midnight black...with sandals.

"OK So Some Bloke Called Stephen Gyllenhaal..." (July 31, 2006) - ...gave Jake Watch an exclusive interview!

"Jake Called In To Give Mel Gibson The Ass Whooping Of His Life" (August 1, 2006) - Mel deserved it.

"Jake Watch - How? Why? What the Hell?" (August 1, 2006) - The least you need to know...

"This Is The Most Fun I've Had Since Baggage Claim" (August 2, 2006) - PAPARAZZI BINGO!

"It's T-Shirt Time Which Is Kinda Like Hammer Time But Not So Much" (August 3, 2006) - The original Jake Watch tee (now worth thousands).

"The Sunday Project...With Prophecy Girl!" (August 6, 2006) - Jeans, jeans, jeans.

"For Your Eyes Only: Agents In Action" (August 8, 2006) - How Jake Watch agents really spend their time...

"Good Night And Good Luck" (August 9, 2006) - Jake Watch implements a no-tolerance rule regarding the discussion of Jake's private life...to much controversy.

"In My Bid To Make Jake Watch Famous..." (August 15, 2006) - The Jake Watch cocktail. Instructions for "The Notorious J.B.G." are in the comments.

"Jake Watch's Domination Of The World Continues" (August 18, 2006) - Jake Watch gets e-mail addresses at its own domain. It's a new era in professionalism.

"The Day After Tomorrow But Yesterday Because I Thought It Was Tuesday" (August 19, 2006) - Anneka's first movie review! Part 1.

"To Be Honest, I'm A Little Disappointed" (August 20, 2006) - Tattoogate! Countless IMDb posters think Jake has tattooed "britpop" down his arm.

"Agents What Is Going On Here?" (August 22, 2006) - The tattoo controversy falls apart.

"The Day After Tomorrow Review Continued And Contrived" (August 23, 2006) - Part 2.

"The Day After Tomorrow Or Maybe Before Britpopbaby's Nervous Breakdown" (August 27, 2006) - Part 3.

"What? You Want More?" (August 29, 2006) - The Day After Tomorrow, Part 4.

"Woohoo! Jake Watch Makes The Press!" (August 29, 2006) - Jake Watch makes it into ElleGirl Netherland!

"Blatant Stalking...I Really Should Go Back And Categorize These Damn Things" (August 31, 2006) - Everyone's favorite, the Seagull of Malevolence.

"Is It The End Of The World...Or Just Anneka's Review?" (September 1, 2006) - The Day After Tomorrow, Part 5.

"Oogle With Google" (September 9, 2006) - What pops up when you Google "Jake Watch?" Weird shit.

"Emergency Sock Watch" (September 11, 2006) - Jesus Christ, he's not wearing socks!

"Zut Alors!" (September 12, 2006) - The premiere of The Daily Jake Watch.

"Britpopbaby's Secret Past" (September 14, 2006) - The shirts are ready!

"The Not Entirely True Story Of Jake's Life" (September 17, 2006) - Anneka blogs Jake's biography.

"Off-Topic: Is Heath Ledger Growing A Mullet?" (September 20, 2006) - Who would have thought it'd go on to be our third most Googled post?

"So Close Yet, Oooo, So Far Away" (September 23, 2006) - Jake sells himself for charity.

"Sold! Jake Gyllenhaal For $6,601!" (September 26, 2006) - And to think that bid was later retracted and he went for less. Sad.

"We Got Your Back Little G!" (September 28, 2006) - Jake Watch discusses gifts for the Gyllengaard.

"I Like To Thank The Academy, My Agent, My Grandpa Buster" (October 3, 2006) - Jake Watch makes it to 6 months.

"It's A Girl!" (October 4, 2006) - Jake Watch is the first on the internet to announce the birth of baby Ramona. It would come back to haunt us.

"Agents In Action: Part II" (October 7, 2006) - More behind-the-scenes action.

"Actual Behind The Scenes Action" (October 11, 2006) - That time that US Weekly got involved...

"Guess Who Went To The Premiere Of That Film About French People Where Everyone Has American Accents?" (October 14, 2006) - Prophecy Girl! And Jake Watch gets its first exclusive celebrity pictures (not of Jake).

"The Sunday Project: Six Month Anniversary" (October 15, 2006) - The Jake Watch-approved lifestyle.

"Prophecy Girl Gets Really Close To Jake And Then He Completely Ignores Her" (October 17, 2006) - Probably the most famous non-meeting of Jake Gyllenhaal's career.

"PG's Official Poetry Report: Recently Declassified" (October 18, 2006) - The absolute height of Gyllenscandal: Babygate.

"The Mother Of All Exclusives" (October 21, 2006) - The best interview Jake never gave.

"Just FYI" (October 23, 2006) - Ramona's red panda.

"October Sky Part 1" (October 2006) - Anneka's back!

"A Halloween Film Pitch For Jake By Britpopbaby" (October 31, 2006) - britpop rewrites Carrie.

"What With It Being November And All" (November 1, 2006) - October Sky, Part 2.

"Jake Watch Election Day Special!" (November 7, 2006) - Everything you ever wanted to know about American politics.

"It's Still October In Movie Review Terms" (November 11, 2006) - October Sky, Part 3.

"Yeah, You Think You Know Where These Pictures Came From..." (November 15, 2006) - The first hint of the Jake Watch movie (outside of The Old Forum)...

"I'd Like To Be The First To Review Zodiac" (November 18, 2006) - Jake Watch is always on top of things.

"Whose Idea Was This, Then?" (November 21, 2006) - The post that comes up when you're Googling for Jake porn...

"Agents In Action: A Word From Your Leader" (November 22, 2006) - Time for a little regrouping.

"Biography" (November 23, 2006) - It's all true!!

"Yes! I Rock!" (November 24, 2006) - britpopbaby gets interviewed by associatedcontent.com.

"Sock Watch: A Drama" (November 29, 2006) - Sock Watch has never been so scandalous.

"Agent Initiation: Robert Downey, Jr." (December 2, 2006) - Because he has Jake's back.

"The Jake Fan Survey" (December 4, 2006) - Just a few questions for you to answer...

"Jake Watch News" (December 9, 2006) - You asked the questions, we answered them!

"October Sky Review Part 4" (December 10, 2006) - Pretty much what it sounds like.

"Hey, Jake's PR. I'm Billing You By The Hour For This." (December 11, 2006) - The first (and only) comprehensive analysis of Jake Gyllenhaal fans on the internet. Complete with pie charts!

"Jake Watch Uncovers Scandal!" (December 14, 2006) - Jungle Jake!

"International Jake Day" (December 19, 2006) - We wanted to do something nice for Jake's birthday, but instead, we just put up this post.

"Yo Ho Ho Ho" (December 24, 2006) - It's Christmas...Jake Watch style!

"Back To Business" (December 29, 2006) - If you ever wondered about the many style transformations of the blog...

"Auld Lang Syne, Dudes" (December 31, 2006) - Jake Watch rolls in the New Year.

"Film Secrets" (January 1, 2007) - More Jake Secrets!

"A Pointless Exercise In Gyllenhaal Heritage Studies" (January 9, 2007) - Proof that Jake Gyllenhaal really does resemble Jake Gyllenhaal.

"In Fromage" (January 13, 2006) - BPB and PG compose a rap in honor of Jake's impending "Saturday Night Live" appearance.

"The As-It-Happens SNL Recap" (January 14, 2007) - Complete with ratings and more rapping! Two weeks later, the blog would be revamped SNL-style.

[No Corresponding Post] (January 15, 2007) - The new Jake Watch Forum opens for business and the old one becomes obsolete.

"Oh My God, Oh My God, Oh My God" (January 18, 2007) - Jake shows up in GQ Magazine.

"Zodiac? Who Cares About Zodiac?" (January 18, 2007) - Jake Watch: The Movie, AKA The Day After Tomorrow Never Dies AKA TDATND, starts getting heavy promotion...

"Um...Do You Guys Know What's Going On?" (January 20, 2007) - BPB and PG are kidnapped. Gasp!

"Initial Status Report" (January 23, 2007) - After days of chaos, the mysterious Number Six (whose user name is later changed to "Jake") takes over all posting on Jake Watch.

"Boo Watch: Is Boo A Republican?" (January 24, 2007) - The biggest political scandal to ever hit the Gyllenhaals.

"Paramount Brings It, Jake Watch Brings It Harder" (January 30, 2007) - The TDATND/Zodiac promotional war rages on as Jake Watch opens website after website to compete with the big guys.

"Hello My Dahlings" (January 31, 2007) - Madame Swiss joins Team Jake Watch, and tackles those pesky romance rumors.

"About" (February 1, 2007) - What do you want to know? (The number of blogger profiles can be deceiving.)

"Jake Takes Time Out Of Busy Shooting Schedule To Make Jake Watch Premiere" (February 2, 2007) - The Day After Tomorrow Never Dies, Part 1 is unveiled (a complete movie script written by Jake Watch for Jake Watch).

"Worrying Times" (February 8, 2007) - Archnemesis Uncle Jack Nasty is back!

"The Most Exciting News Since This Time Last Week" (February 9, 2007) - TDATND, Part Deux!

"Celebrity Skin: Hold Me" (February 10, 2007) - The first (only) official Jake Watch Book Review.

"Gimma A B! Gimme An A! Gimme A F, T, A And A Lowercase S!" (February 11, 2007) - Anneka live-blogs the BAFTA's!

"Wow, Paramount. Just...Wow." (February 13, 2007) - A Sock Watch, clips from Zodiac, pictures from Zodiac...an impressive display from the corporate bigwigs.

"Happy Valentine's Day, Love Jake (Watch)" (February 14, 2007) - The first ever Jake Watch Craft Project: Be Jake's Valentine.

"What?! No!!!" (February 16, 2007) - Part 3 of TDATND.

"Another Jake Watch Exclusive Interview" (February 20, 2007) - Who needs words when facial expressions can say so much?

"The End Is Pretty Seriously Nigh" (February 22, 2007) - The final installment of TDATND, complete with award solicitations.

"2007 Jake Watch Oscar Coverage" (February 25, 2007) - We boycotted. So did Jake. Fuck you, Crash.

"Jake Watch: A Fulfilling Multi-Media Experience" (February 26, 2007) - The TDATND soundtrack is released.

"Jake Week Official Kickoff - Letterman Style" (February 27, 2007) - Live-blogging to commemorate the commencement of one week of incessant Jake interviews.

"Prophecy Girl Reports From The Red Carpet...Or At Least Down The Street From It!" (March 2, 2007) - PG is unkidnapped long enough to fly to LA, miss Jake by 3,000 miles, and get kicked off the Paramount lot.

"Jake Gyllenhaal Esquire, From The Press Pitt Point Of View" (March 6, 2007) - The author of Celebrity Skin gives us an exclusive peek at what it's like to interview The Gyllenhaal.

"Excuse Me, I Have To Call Everyone I've Ever Met Right Now" (March 6, 2007) - Kitty Fangirl makes her first appearance since TDATND.

"Zodiac: Let's Mull It Over" (March 9, 2007) - Jake Watch's first Official New-Jake-Movie Movie Review. It's atypically serious (and long).

** Around this time, Number Six disappears and britpopbaby and Prophecy Girl come back permanently.

"Reel Cinema" (March 11, 1007) - After a slight hiatus, Anneka's October Sky Review charges on.

"Super-Jake!" (March 15, 2007) - The ultimate guide to Jake as a super-hero.

"October Sky: Is This Goodbye?" (March 18, 2007) - The end of Anneka's October Sky Review.

"Once Again, The Paparazzi Lie" (March 21, 2007) - Safari Jake!

"The Gyllenhaal Masterclasses" (March 23, 2007) - "How To Make People Who Are Usually Attractive Look Less Attractive"

"Show Me The Money!" (March 26, 2007) - The Jake Watch Store opens for business.

"Store Post Numero Dos" (March 27, 2007) - Showing off the t-shirt designs.

"(Drum Roll Please) Sock Watch" (March 27, 2007) - Oh, hells yes.

"Quote Of The Year" (April 2, 2007) - Jake Watch gears up to start its first anniversary celebration.

"Happy Anniversary, Jake Watch!" (April 3, 2007) - Jake stops by to say "hi" and talk about his sock choices.

"It's Our Birthday And We'll Photoshop Ridiculous Photos Of Jake If We Want To" (April 3, 2007) - britpopbaby reflects.

"You're All Invited!" (April 10, 2007) - To the play "Three CompaƱeros," about Jake, Matt, and Lance. And the writer stops by Jake Watch!

"Holy Goose Gog-Eyes!" (April 11, 2007) - Madame Swiss boldly takes on the gay rumors.

"We'll Fight Them On The Beaches, We'll Fight Them At The Smoothie Stand" (April 13, 2007) - Jake Watch starts a petition to take down Jake's lame-ass Official Site, eventually rustling up 242 signatures. The site remains.

"Boo's Mysterious Disappearance Solved*" (April 17, 2007) - Well, not really, unless you believe the Puggles of the Caribbean story.

"OMG, I Have The Best Idea Ever!" (April 25, 2007) - Why don't we nominate Jake for President of the United States?!

"Oh, For The Love Of Boo" (May 2, 2007) - Tachegate.

"There's A Special Place In Heaven For Agents Who Mail These" (May 3, 2007) - Fun with Boo and the U.S. Postal Service!

"Jake Watch Awards Honorary Lifetime Membership" (May 9, 2007) - To Amy Macdonald, for writing a song about Jake.

"Tony Blair Announces His Retirement As Leader Of The British Government..." (May 10, 2007) - And more importantly, SOCK WATCH.

"I Got The Johnson's Baby Powder And The Polo Cologne" (May 18, 2007) - Anneka starts on City Slickers!

"Jake Watch Exclusive!" (May 19, 2007) - And we fooled every last one of you!

"The All New JW.com Means Business" (June 1, 2007) - Jake Watch gets its last new look! Jake Monroe becomes an instant classic.

"Hot Off The Press!" (June 6, 2007) - The return of The Daily Jake Watch. Jake, you naughty boy.

"Frankie Explains..." (June 8, 2007) - Jake's real manager starts writing for Jake Watch.

"Jake Sings Brokeback Theme Song To Crowd Of Millions" (June 10, 2007) - The post that inspired the post that inspired the rumor...

"Ooo, get her!" (June 15, 2007) - Jake Watch reports on Jake's new clothing line.

"Jake and Reese: The True Story" (June 21, 2007) - The Gyllenspoon Cafe.

"Sneaker Watch: Officially Vetoed" (June 25, 2007) - Though that didn't stop the masses from continuing to ask for it.

"PM Backs Young Buck In White House Race" (June 26, 2007) - The Jake in '08 MySpace page (version 1.0) goes live!

"Jake's First Campaign Scandal - We're So Proud!" (June 28, 2007) - The Stewart/Colbert Team starts with the mudslinging.

"The Second Campaign Scandal Hits Hard" (July 1, 2007) - Harry Potter Gyllenhaal.

"Jake Watch Reverses 231 Years Of American Independence" (July 4, 2007) - Happy Fourth of July!

"Paparazzi Get Sloppy" (July 11, 2007) - Grassland Jake.

"Bygone Days" (July 16, 2007) - A history of Boo on Jake Watch.

"I'm Sure You're Sad..." (July 24, 2007) - But don't be! Because we have exclusive Jake pictures.

"It's Okay..." (August 1, 2007) - Jake Watch will get you through the pain of Jake dating with our patented Jake-Has-A-Girlfriend Disaster Kit.

"Rendition Trailer: Digested, Discussed, Dissected" (August 2, 2007) - With so long between movies, even a trailer (or something resembling it) gets the full treatment.

"Help! I Need Somebody. Help! Not Just Anybody..." (August 7, 2007) - Madame Swiss launches her advice column.

"Jake Watch Guide To Raceday Etiquette" (August 12, 2007) - Runners unite!

"The Anti-Climax Of The Year" (August 15, 2007) - Hey, is that Ramona's name on that plaque?

"Examining The 'It' Factor Of Two Male Popular Culture Icons In Accordance To The Arbritary Standards Of One Internet Community" (August 22, 2007) - Jake or Zach Efron? You be the judge.

"Hey Jake." (August 29, 2007) - PG announces she's going to Toronto and plays up the pity factor.

"Jake And PG's Excellent Conversation" (September 8 , 2007) - At last they meet! Both are underwhelmed.

"
The Official Jake Watch Rendition Post (Spoilers Tagged), AKA The Longest Post In The History Of The World" (September 10, 2007) - Jake Watch's second Official New-Jake-Movie Movie Review...and it's even less funny than the first one.

"Canada Backs Gyllenhaal's Rogue Presidential Campaign" (September 11, 2007) - Jake Watch questions wind up in the National Post of Canada...and are credited to IHJ.

"Sock Watch: A Poetic Vision" (September 13, 2007) - Socks and haikus. Only on Jake Watch.

"That Link On The Sidebar?" (September 15, 2007) - After being cruelly deleted by MySpace with no explanation, the Jake in '08 profile (version 2.0) is recreated and relaunched.

"Fun With SiteMeter" (September 18, 2007) - Our 650th post (!).

"Fuck That Shit" (September 22, 2007) - The last of many, many times we pissed people off a really, really lot.

"Interview Interview!" (September 26, 2007) - Controversy squelched, we get to the heart of the matter.

"Emergency Post On Account Of Us Being Right" (September 29, 2007) - Our (fake) report that Jake was releasing an album of acoustic Civil War songs showed on no fewer than 9 gossip sites in at least 2 different languages and became the talk of the internet.

"Jake Watch Exclusive: More Info On The Gyllenhaal's Album" (October 1, 2007) - Because with attention like that, we'd be fools not to run with it.

"Ask Not What Jake Watch Can Do For You..." (October 4, 2007) - Jake Watch launches its (unsuccessful) bi-country e-mail campaign.

"Quote Of The Week: Donkey Edition" (October 8, 2007) - Jake's Presidential campaign slogan is launched.

"
Friday Night With Jonathan Ross With Guest Star Jake Gyllenhaal As Live-Blogged By britpopbaby Exclusively For Jake Watch" (October 12, 2007) - The live-blog returns!

"Showdown: Tonight On Letterman" (October 16, 2007) - The start of a live-blogging marathon...but not the start of anything interesting between Jake and 50 Cent.

"I Would Say The End Is Pretty Seriously Nigh" (October 25, 2007) - The announcement that Jake Watch will be ending soon...but when?

"Romagate" (October 27, 2007) - Who is Jake really dating?

"The Last Post" (November 2, 2007) - And that's a wrap.

Thursday, November 01, 2007

Sock Watch: Infamy! Infamy! They've All Got It In For Me!

It brings me great sadness to draw a line under this legendary, nay, heroic blog feature. And as I push this small vessel of devotion, truth and odd obsession out into the oceans of web mythology, it saddens me even more to say JAKE JUST DIDN'T PLAY BALL 90% OF THE FREAKIN' TIME. Is it too much to ask to see a man's socks every once in a while? I mean, what do we get today?

NO SOCK. Well, you know what? Fuck it. I'm not above manipulating a situation to meet my own personal goals.

  • COLOUR: Ape
  • TYPE: Snuggly, Hairy, Possible stench, Nylon?
  • HEIGHT: 99% coverage
  • OVERALL STATUS: WILD!

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Quote of the Week: All Hallow's Eve Edition

"That is how I see myself most of the time. A Crest toothpaste with bad eyesight."

- Jake "I Really Do Say Some Crazy Shit" Gyllenhaal
source

To put this quote in context, it was preceded by the following:

"I don't think of myself as good-looking," [Jake] admits. "Not at all. When I was a kid I had these huge glasses. I once went to a fancy dress as a Crest toothpaste tube with these huge glasses stuck on."

I can totally see the resemblance. And hey, Happy Halloween Gyllenween, Jake Watch! Casper the Friendly Jake thought he'd float in from the graveyard of dead ideas from last year and extend his wishes, too.

Flashback.

Major thanks to coffeecat. ;)

Monday, October 29, 2007

Jake Takes the Loss of Jake Watch Hard

Tragically, though not unexpectedly, Jake Gyllenhaal has spent the past several days on a path of self-destruction, reeling from the news that Jake Watch will soon stop updating.

Let's take a look at the timeline.

Friday*: Jake is seen publicly for the first time since the announcement. Clearly still in shock, he walks around wearing half of an all-black mourning ensemble.
Saturday: Distracted by his grief, Jake commits the costume tragedy captured in the previous post. No doubt his mask is to hide his tears.
Sunday: Having not changed pants in three days, Jake drowns his sorrows in an all-night bender with Danny Bonaduce.
Monday: As Jake takes a day to mourn privately, the following is reported by Variety, "...'Nailed,' directed by David O. Russell and starring Jake Gyllenhaal and Jessica Biel..."

"Nailed." With Jessica Biel. What stage of grief is that?

Aw, poor Jake. We always forget what an emotional effect we have on him. I can't leave you seeing him like this. So I'll leave you seeing him like this:


And we'll see what tomorrow brings. Never a dull moment...

Thanks to heddaparsons for the Biel bit.
* Note that the dates are roughly as accurate as my description of the pictures and my identification of Danny Bonaduce.

Sunday, October 28, 2007

Boo!

I went to a Halloween party dressed as Jake this year...okay, when I say 'Jake', I really mean a 'battery-powered house that visually impaired me for the night'. I was going to go as a tube of Crest toothpaste but alas, time was against me.

But we're not here to talk about me! What did Jake dress up as for that time of the year where the veil of existence between the living and the dead is at it's thinest?

I don't get it....oh, wait...I think I do! Is this what happens when a gondolier and a Canadian mountie mate?

I'm thinking his dad didn't help him out this year.

Saturday, October 27, 2007

Romagate

Now look, I know you're all talking about it down dark alleys and in disused warehouses but I really could not let another moment pass without addressing it here. I know, I know! We said we wouldn't and we like to respect Jake's privacy and all that jazz, but when these things are staring you in the face, what can you do? If our parting gift can be to hold up the mirror of truth to the faces of denial and perhaps clear the air, then, by god, let me take that bullet.

So, first the airport, then the red carpet and now....the City of Ciabatta:


Just accept it. Maybe this image will soothe the heart some...or cause a seizure, either way....