I DON'T MEAN TO TURN ON MY OWN KIND BUT...

CASTAWAY star (when they say this they mean THIS Castaway not THIS one) AMANDA DONOHOE has a crush on Hollywood heart-throb JAKE GYLLENHAAL - and it appears the feeling is mutual. The British actress, 44, recently met the BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN hunk, who was too stunned by Donohoe to talk to her. She says, "I wouldn't kick him out of bed for eating biscuits! He has the most gorgeous bedroom eyes. He's quite Irish looking and has a piercing stare. "I met him in the flesh and he's just lovely. I didn't get tongue tied, but he did a bit." [Source]

I'm sure you've all read this little "account" by now but I think it deserves the full Jake Watch dressing down. For those of you who don't know who the hell this woman is, she is this person:

You may or may not have noticed that I have copy and pasted her next to Ellen Pompeo (right). They are similar, no? Trust me, it's going somewhere. Jake likes some Pomp, no? So ...yeah?

Now, listen Donohoe, from this evidence I can believe that Jake might find you attractive - he seems to like the 'impish' sorts. I can also believe that Jake might not have spoken to you but rather then being "tounge-tied" at your beauty he was more likely shell-shocked because you probably tried to rub yourself up against him from the sounds of it. Please don't do that, Jake is a sensitive lad. Throwing around turns of phrase like, "bedroom eyes" and "eating biscuits" might have done all kinds of things to his mind. I can only imagine it was like when Jayne Seymour tried to seduce Owen Wilson in Wedding Crashers.

And FYI, Donohoe, this is the only way someone can 'look Irish':

I'm going to let this slide because you're British and foxy and in Bad Girls tonight (coincedence?) but next time you meet Jake just tell him what a talented actor he is and LEAVE IT AT THAT.

JAKE THINKS HE MIGHT HAVE HIT A POSSUM

Awwwww, man!

CAPTION CORELLI'S MANDOLIN

I feel like I've overloaded you with challenges today. Is it getting too much? Don't worry, we'll just relax and stare at some pictures tomorrow. But for now, WORK! Caption this:
For a bigger version where facial expressions can be clearly seen click HERE.
Remember, keep 'em short!

IT'S LIKE A GOVERNMENT FUNDED REC CENTRE UP IN HERE

More games! I like to call this one, The Hair of Haal? Magic. I'm not sure if I've made it too easy or too hard but I do know I've made it symmetrical. So which head of hair belongs to the Haal?

(NB: Idea may have been stolen from numerous sources. Also, I may have forgotten which one is actually Jake...)

IN MY BID TO MAKE JAKE WATCH FAMOUS...

I know we have a lot of projects going on right now (Bingo, BabyName Sweepstakes, Boo T-Shirt) but what's one more into the mix? (you'll realise this is a great pun in a second)

I declare we create, The Jake Gyllenhaal. That's right, a cocktail named after Jake. Can you picture it? Bars and lounges across the world with slick types ordering a Gyllenhaal. I realise most cocktails are created by bartenders in New York but I myself used to shake, yep, don't spread it around but I make a mean Cheeky Vimto and I reckon most people here aren't too shy of the vodka so let's pool our knowledge to create the next Pelvic Thrust or Flying Tiger!

There may be some issues with using Jake's name in such a way but let's skip right past that for a moment and get started with the alcohol.


I suppose it'll be trial and error but whose ready to raid the drinks cabinet and get with me?

POINTS TO CONSIDER:

• Does it need to be sweet or sour?
• 'Hospitalisation' Strong or 'Maybe I'd Make Out with that Tramp' weak?
• Colour?
• Plumage?

JAKE WATCH'S MOST RANDOM POST EVER: MARK II

First off, I'd like to thank my reseacher (nrm) for finding the following articles:
Gyllenhaal uses brother for free therapy - short but interesting.
A Manic Maggie - sweet little Maggie interview. Still no news on that baby name but you're all so gonna lose out because it's totally going to be called Susie.

Thanks to Rachel, for sending me the Esquire scan. I didn't pay this list must attention when it first came round because lists and me don't mix but now I spot that jake was No. 2 last year! What happened in the past twelve months that could have plummeted him to No.4...oh yeah, that orange lycra...ah, lest we forget.

And finally, my thanks to Cantara and Stephen 'Pops' Gyllenhaal for letting me have my very own copy of Claptrap. I mentioned it ages ago, but PophecyGirl reminded me that I never posted the pic:

DAMN YOU, MERCEDES BENZ! DAMN YOU!

Right, that's it. You're being scratched off the Bingo and shall never be spoken of again. How dare you block half naked Gyllenhaal. Do you know how long it's been for us, Mercedes Benz?

Pic from IHJ.

A TRAVESTY IN JAKE TIMES II

Wow, I think that's got to be a record for the quickest backtrack on a 'PS' ever. Apparently the world of Jake is filled with injustices!

Someone (fool), somewhere, asked some people (also fools) who they thought (wrongly) were the top ten natural beauties of the world. The list is as follows:

1. Sophia Loren
2. George Clooney
3. Charlotte Church
4. Catherine Zeta Jones
5. Johnny Depp
6. Kate Winslet
7. Gwyneth Paltrow
8. Jack Black
9. Cameron Diaz
10. Gail Porter

[Source]

I'm just...I'm...too...angry...

A TRAVESTY IN JAKE TIMES

There have been a few miscarriages of justice regarding Jake over the years, most recently "Crash? Bitch, please!" and "George Clooney? Bitch, please!" but on Friday I witnessed a new travesty; the blatant plagiarism of Bubble Boy in the Australian soap Neighbours. HERE is a synopsis of said episode.

Now, I realise most people might not give a shit but I do. Neighbours is the greatest soap in the history of the world and whilst is has scant regard for realism, decent special effects and continuity is always original, so imagine my dismay when they referenced Bubble Boy without actually mentioning the film or Jake himself. I'm not going to go into the, frankly lame, storyline but basically Zeke the Freak was pretending to be confined to a bubble to make his obese girlfriend look good for the local newspaper. For a moment I thought it might be just coincedence but then can you guess who Zeke introduced himself as? JIMMY!

I'm getting so worked up about this because Bubble Boy holds a special place in my heart. Some people may think Brokeback Mountain was Jake's finest performance to date or that Donnie Darko gave him his breakthrough or that he looked his most hottest in Jarhead but to them I say no, no and NO! Bubble Boy is where it's at! 500 dollahs! So I now call upon you all to march for Jimmy Livingston and his electrical rock music guitar and boycott Neighbours for this travesty of Jake times!

I think we should take a moment to bask in the glory of Bubble Boy...

Jimmy: "Hi, my name's Jimmy Livingston. My mom says, when I was born, I came gift wrapped from heaven."

Mrs Livingston: And then Pinocchio came out of his plastic bubble and touched the filthy little whore next door and died. The End!

Jimmy: Dog poo! This is awesome.

Mrs Livingston: "Dear Mr. and Ms. Livingston, we have kidnapped your son. Give us $100,000 dollars or he dies. Signed, the Jews." Are you kidding? ARE YOU KIDDING? Who in their right mind is going to believe this note Morton? THEY'RE THE JEWS. THEY'RE GOING TO WANT MORE THAN $100,000!

(PS - I couldn't find a picture of the actual offence so you'll have to make do with a picture of Harold, the resident coffee shop owner and trombone player. He is the personification of the show.)

(PPS - I'm not sure there is enough material to turn this into a feature.)

HAND ME MY DEERSTALKER, WATSON OLD BOY!

Some detective work needs a doin'.
When I first saw the picture I naturally thought, "Awwwww, Jake with a baby! Ah, that's exactly what he'll look like when he cradles our children, only hopefully without the spider face, mad hair, football manager sheepskin coat circa 1974 and bonnet".

But...hang on...why the spider face? Is that even Jake? Hang on, I've had a thought...

PAUSE

It's okay. I figured it out. It's from the lesser spotted Highway. Remember when Jake was all cute, stoned and indie? Oh, what a different tale it could have been young Gyllenhaal. Dude, where's my Ennis Del Mar? Oh yes, very different indeed.

So, yeah. Jake with a baby. You may squee now.

OOOOOOOO SNEAKY!

Aah, those Hollywood fat cats aren't as stupid as they sometimes appear (i.e Scary Movie 2 through 4). Notice anything about the posters below?

"When it came time to design the poster for the film, (co-president of Focus Features and frequent Lee collaborator James) Schamus didn’t research posters of famous Westerns for ideas. He looked at the posters of the 50 most romantic movies ever made. 'If you look at our poster,' he says, 'you can see traces of our inspiration, 'Titanic'.'"

I suppose it's less inspiration more direct copying. We have exchanged big ass boat for big ass mountain range and introduced a lot more denim but I still bet you asking yourself why you never noticed this before. Lazy fat cats! But damn, it worked.

I'd also like to add that Titanic was shit. Just want to get that out there.

UM, OKAY.

Thanks to heddaparsons and nothingreallymatters for letting me know about this. To read the full article from the LA Times go HERE.

Iranian dissident Akbar Ganji arrived in town this week to an intimate gathering that included just about every politically active leading man around. Warren Beatty, Brad Pitt, Sean Penn, Mark Ruffalo and Jake Gyllenhaal attended the reception at producer Mike Medavoy's Beverly Hills estate Wednesday night to meet Ganji, a human rights activist who was imprisoned in Iran for six years.

Ganji was unfazed by the celebrity attention, but the presence of Beatty caught Ganji's interpreter off guard. "Are you Warren Beatty? That's Warren Beatty!" she said. Medavoy, who moderated the event, joked: "None of us care." Said Beatty: "Yeah, that's for sure."

Addressing the standing-room-only crowd of about 75 people for an hour, Ganji urged complete disarmament in the Middle East. (The suggestion didn't go over well with media mogul Haim Saban, who argued that Israel needs its nuclear weapons as a deterrent.)

Ganji responded to Saban: "The only way is to ban the bombs for everyone."Pitt (clad in black) had to leave the event early — making a bit of a ruckus when he raced off on his motorcycle.

Penn, looking like a workaday actor in a rumpled blue suit, thanked Ganji for coming, saying people need to hear his message of non-violence. Ruffalo agreed. "This has put a whole new face on Iran for me," the actor said. "It deepens it and makes it more human."

After the speech, Ruffalo and Gyllenhaal retired to Medavoy's screening room, where they watched trailers for "All the King's Men" (starring Penn and produced by Medavoy) and their 2007 thriller, "Zodiac," about the real-life serial killer who terrorized San Francisco in the 1960s and '70s.

As the evening closed, Ganji — who is traveling the country addressing various groups — said he believed it was essential to meet with the Hollywood crowd. "I'm here to have a conversation," he said.

I'm not entirely sure what to make of this. It seems a little left-field. They sat and listened to an Iranian dissendent for over an hour and then watched trailers for their own movies?

BLANTANT STALKING, ERM, 7?

Aaaaah, what do we have here? Lady, I can imagine how this went down:
"Excuse me, young man. Could you just help me load my shopping into the car. I'm afraid my back isn't what it used to be"
"Sure, nice, elderly, non-threatening lady, I'll help you for I am mighty and strong like lion."
"Aww, thank you, deary. It's shame there aren't more nice, young, rippling, hot men like you out there."
"Unfortunately, The Gyllenhaal is a rare breed. Ha ha ha ha ha!"
"Of course, dear. If you could just get those bags right in there...yes...right to the back of the trunk...don't be afraid to bend over and get right in there...."
"Er, are you touching me?"
YOU SICKEN ME! Will you people stop taking advantage of Jake's good nature! What? So now Jake can't even do his hot and sexy shopping where he buys his hot and sexy food in his hot and sexy clothes without risking a groping from some passing pensioner!! Will everyone please stop trying to cop a feel of the goods!

THE BIG QUESTION

So the T-Shirt ball is a rollin' and I'm very thankful to everyone who has ordered so far - we're up to 10 so only 15 more orders to go. I'm not panicking in the slightest. But do you remember how we promised Pops one? Well, what the hell should we get him and in what colour/size? Baby Doll?

FINALLY!

The first batch of official Jake Watch T-Shirts are currently in production and no more orders are being taken at present.

In the near future we hope to open up a CafePress store or similar set-up to peddle our wares so check back soon if you want that Jake Watch merchandise bad!

HEY JAKE, DID YOU REMEMBER TO GET SOME SAN PELLEGRINO?

Because I think they have a sale on. I know it's your favourite.

[Source]

OMFG!

These (most awesome) pics belong to TeddybearEyes.

GOODNIGHT AND GOOD LUCK

Aah, it's been such a long time since we had a Jake Watch newscast. Jake has valiantly stepped in again to help us out, this time as a posing as a wartime correspondant. Isn't he all reassuring yet authoritarian? And FYI, BBC stands for britpopbaby Broadcasting Corporation and don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

A BIT OF A SPRUCE
In the coming weeks Jake Watch is getting a makeover. As for the theme all I can say is it's prehaps the best idea anyone has ever had in the history of time. We’ve labelled it an ‘ironic’ makeover. Here is a sneak preview:

Oh yeah, baby, it’s gonna be hot.

HOT OFF THE PRINTING PRESS
In other Jake Watch news britpopbaby would like to dance around gleefully because the T Shirt crisis is finally sorted. The T-Shirts should be available in 3 to 4 styles and a variety of colours. At this point I’d like to mention how long it took me to grapple with shipping prices and how majorly confusing the Royal Mail website is. Yes, all T Shirts will be delievered via her Majesty’s personal post service – how exciting? She hasn’t expressed an interest in buying a shirt herself yet but man, these things are gonna be so bitchin’ everyone will want one. The price will be around £13 ($24, 19 euros – dude, I do not have a euro key, why haven’t I noticed that before!). Any long sleeved tops will cost a little more and vest tops will be a little cheaper. I’m now in the middle of working out how the bejesus to set up an ordering system. Give me a few days.

As soon as the first batch is printed (it’s 25 at a time) Poppa Gyllenhaal or as I have recently heard him dubbed, ‘Team Leader’, will be getting his. It will be tightly bound together with the Boo shirt and off they shall go on their merry way across the Atlantic.

NOT SAD BUT MOSTLY TRUE
In more Jake Watch news, aah, a moral dilemma. It’s been relayed to us here at Jake Watch HQ (moving soon to a carved out volcano near you) that Jake doesn’t really appreciate discussions about his personal life. It’s common sense really, who the hell would? Now usually I’d argue that young Gyllenhaal threw himself to the lions by becoming a Hollywood actor and the internet is a free for all so there is no point worrying about it. I also hoped he’d be blissfully unaware of all things internet but, alas, nope.

Now, it’s difficult for Jake Watch to take the moral high ground on any matter when we, essentially, have no morals (hey, I was raised Anglican, it’s not my fault). But then something was said that made britpopbaby think (holy shit!). Jake Watch has been deemed ‘responsible’ (responsible in a good way, not responsible for any strife). This is the first time, as anyone in britpopbaby’s life can attest to, that she has been called responsible. When she was 15 her parents trusted her to have a house party but it ended with 2 people being hospitalised and she really hasn’t been allowed to do anything since (at this point britpopbaby would like to say that it totally wasn’t her fault, how was she supposed to know Sammy Giles had never drank Hooch before because it was against her religion or something). Anyway, this is a big deal. Therefore we (prophecygirl, britpopbaby and sweet baby jesus) have decided to keep our noses out of Jake’s damn business.

This place is all about the funnies. If Jake wants to go bong it up with McNoganinny, Thighstrong and Richard O’Brien then it ain’t none of our beeswax. Paparazzi pictures will still be posted, mainly because my determination to finish Paparazzi Bingo outweighs any feelings of guilt or remorse, but we’ll be concentrating on the comedy value.

Also, squeeing and gushing over how hot he happens to look and how, like, totally radical those jeans are is in no way as bad as gossiping about his life choices. We have to remember that Jake Watch is linked at Stephen Gyllenhaal’s page and so we don’t want anything here that is likely to offend any Gyllenhaal.

We can’t stop what is said in the comments so all of this is basically some long-winded way of saying future Jake Watch posts will concentrate on making you laugh not questioning Jake’s personal life.

As Peter Kay once said, “There is a picture of her Majesty the Queen on that wall and as far as you’re concerned she might as well be sat in the front row. You get me?”

I promise next time there is news, we'll make Jake do this in podcast form. Naked.

If you've got any questions (relating to the post, not like, why do men have nipples or what would happen if aliens came and stole the moon) then ask away.

Love you long time,
brits and prophecygirl (yeah, that's right, we're dividing the blame).

EDIT: I hoped I'd worded the above carefully but just to make things clear. No one has said to me, 'Jake hates you talking about his private life and if you don't stop he'll send you poisoned apples'. A person who I greatly respect and trust just said something that made me think. That's all. This is a personal thing, it's not Jake saying to his sheep, 'Look, flock, don't be gettin' all up in my shit, capiche?'. Like I said, to me it's common sense - no-one wants their life picked apart by people on the internet.

I'm taking the day off because I feel hassled but before I go, some reiterations:

• No-one has commanded me to do anything. No orders have come down from on high. I'm not affiliated with any Gyllenhaal, never have been and don't "think" I am.
• Jake Watch is not striving for 100% approval from anyone. Everything posted here is the opinion of britpopbaby, prophecygirl and soon, if she gets her ass in gear, Anneka.
• If I did work for Jake's PR people/ his Dad/ Boo I'd be asking for a pay raise right about now and perhaps a month off due to stress.
• This blog is a labour of love. Please respect that it is a creative outlet above anything else. Jake Watch has NO agenda.
• All that was said was that I won't be dissecting Jake's private life in MY posts. Not that I ever really have in a serious manner. YOU may talk about whatever YOU want until you're blue in the face.
• Paparazzi pictures are a difficult subject but seens the majority of this blog is based around them I'm not stopping posting them. Yes, they are an invasion of his privacy but I think the difference comes in how you react to a paparazzi picture.
• The Austin post was FILLER. It was in GOOD HUMOUR. It meant NOTHING. This blog is not monitored by anyone and this post did not result in any military-esque clamp down. This blog is owned by ME and I will talk about whatever I want. So CHILL out.
• The links to Waiting For Toothy and Wikipedia were removed because I wanted to remove them.
• I'm not a homophobe but thanks for speculating. I am however an idiotophobe.
• Nope, there is no difference between speculating whether Jake is with a man or woman. I never said there was and I'm pretty sure I've been over this before so you might want to let it go before you cause yourself a stomach ulcer.
• I understand that Jake has said he is flattered to be called bisexual because it means he can play more roles. I do not however remember him saying, 'I'm flattered that you would discuss my personal life to great extent on the internet, honestly there is nothing I'd love more. I also love how you cloak it in pro-gay agenda and think that it's in some way superior to all other discussions'. Okay, that's a little harsh but I think it's clear. That's why the WFT link is no more.
• Jake Watch is neither 'hetero' nor 'homo' orientated. It's 'I-couldn't-give-a-crap-it's-none-of-my-business-and-all-things-considered-it's-pretty-irrelevant-so-just-relax' orientated.

I'd like to thank everyone who got it the first time around and to everyone else thanks for MISunderstanding, MISinterpretating and jumping to conclusions. People have come so close to ruining this for me so I'd like to thank my loyal readers for sticking up for me. People need to realise that I'm not some upstanding member of Jake fandom, there is no need to get personal and I shouldn't have to explain my actions to this extent. This is just a humourous little blog and it's causing no harm. It's meant to be a fun, relaxed place and getting yourself so worked up about what I think of pap pics and what I'm going to do about such and such is worrying me. Ask yourself what you think is right for you and go with it.

This is the last discussion I'm going to have about this so if anyone at some point in the future has an issue then please feel free to email me your essays.

As Stephen Gyllenhaal alluded, maybe we should spend less time analyising and fretting about Jake and more time concentrating on ourselves.

Okay? Can people please chill the fuck out now? Like any of this was ever important to begin with? Seriously, go and watch Donnie Darko or The Good Girl or Brokeback and remind yourself why you're here in the first place.

PS - One travesty has been righted through all of this: Atticus on MySpace! Every cloud...

IT KEEPS ON GETTING BETTER

I was going to talk about how gorgeous Maggie looks again and how unfair it is that the Gyllengaard gets to be covered in the kind of designer material I can only dream about but then I got distracted by Le Sex and then...er...erm...lost...all...abiltiy...to...think...

OFF TOPIC: Can someone explain to me what the 'London Bridge' in Fergie of Pea fame's latest single er, 'London Bridge' means? I guess it's something pathetically sexual but I can't think what. I'm too innocent. And FYI, Fergie of Pea, that's Tower Bridge you're gyrating your surgically modified ass up against, dumb moose. If you want to fornicate in front of The London Bridge, it's in Arizona.

FOR YOU EYES ONLY: AGENTS IN ACTION

Some people think that all this talk of agents and missions is boohockey but to them I say 'Pah!'. Just look at these top secret reports I found when I was searching for my pretzel what I dropped down the back of my executive, leather chair with adjustable arm rests. Now what say you, non-believers?!

WOOHOO! YEAH, BABY, THAT'S WHAT WE LIKE.

IT'S BOO with some bloke! I'm updating the Paparazzi Bingo card as we speak.

Pics from IHJ.com

UPDATE: Paparazzi Bingo

Controversy: Is that background dog in the first picture carrying a basketball or is it just a non-descript run-of-the-mill red ball? God, I'm not sure I can take the stress!

MOMENTS OF REFLECTION: AUSTIN NICHOLS

Aah, Austin, you can of worms you. Is he? Isn't he? Who the hell is he? I've come this far by not really mentioning you and this is because I unfortunately have an inbulit shit filter in my mind that automatically shuns anything remotely related to the Olsen twins. Kind of like Norton Anti-Virus for your brain. Billy from Neighbours can't get through any more either which is a shame because he's all Australian and cute. But then I found an article about you, Austin, that made me go, 'Aww' because, you and me laddie, have so much in common. No seriously, we do.

• We both have a degree in Creative Writing. No way! Although mine is English with Creative Writing so I kinda Top Trump you on that one. But dude, how much time can Creative Writing classes take up? As mine were only two hours a week I presume your timetable wasn't exactly taxing either and therefore you spent your Uni years partying hard. Oh, I hear ya. It's all fun 'til someone gets out the pepper vodka.
• You like to use the term 'fucked-up' to illustrate character traits in people. Me too! I also like to use 'crazy-ass-biotch'. It's fun to say.
• You've learnt a lot from Jake. Well, that goes without saying - who here hasn't?
• An accident in Florida messed up your chances to be a professional water-skier. Oh god, this is spooky! I was at the top of my wake boarding game when I tried to do a nosebone and this alligator came out of nowhere and wallyed me! My ankle was twisted up pretty bad and my confidence was shot. I never wake boarded again.
• Your Dad named you after Austin Nichols, brewmaster of Wild Turkey Kentucky Straight Bourbon. Wow, parents can be so mean. I have no personal experience of this but as my good friend Glen Morangie once said to me, "Kid, you gotta take the smooth with the smooth and if you add some hot apple cider and a stick of cinnamon you got yourself a Wild Turkey Gobbler". Yeah, old Glen was kinda nuts.

Well, after learning all this stuff about you, Austin, and connecting with you on so many levels I must apologise for ignoring your existence for so long. Come on round, we'll drink a pitcher of WooHoo and bring those Wellingtons, my garden could use a good prune.

Sources:
Papermag: Beautiful People 2006
IMDB

JUST RELAX AND LISTEN

Jake narrating that thing he narrated:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Nq52n9TyfO4
I'm not sure I approve of the deceitfullness this 'Philippe' went to, to do something that can only be described as six levels of bat shit crazy. Anyway, Jake seems mega-excited about it on all accounts. It's ten minutes long but it's worth it to hear Jake doing a woman's voice. And it is sad at the end. I'm also not sure how accurate it is. I can't believe too many passing New Yorkers stopped in their tracks to say, 'Look! There's a man dancing up there!"

If you want to buy it so you can lie down in a cool room and pretend Jake is reading it to you then it's available HERE (I think). It's called 'The Man Who Walked Between The Towers...and More Inspiring Tales'. Please do not let this tale inspire you to go tightrope walking between skyscrapers, no matter how cute Jake sounds because when he narrates your story it will end,
"Then the crazy person slipped, plummeted to the ground and it took them three days to clear up the mess"

Thanks to webqueen259 for finding this although smurfette found it too and beat me to punch, damn you, smurfette, damn you!!!

THE SUNDAY PROJECT...WITH PROPHECY GIRL!

Hello, my friends! We're giving britpop the day off (that being the royal "we") so hooray, I'm back! I must admit that while I was helming the ship, so to speak, some of my non-Jake Watch friends expressed some concern about my devotion to this blog and to the individual around whom it is centered. In fact, I believe I was accused of "acting like a 12-year-old," possibly on more than one occasion, possibly by people within my own family. So to all of you losers out there who think I'm just acting like a middle-schooler with a crush, uh, pu-leeze.

Jake Watch is so much more than that. Jake Watch is like this awesome place where we can hang out online and even though Jake is way hot and everything, it's totally not all about that. Sometimes it's about other stuff, like his socks or his dogs. I mean, I really wanted to let everyone know that I'm like totally not this silly girl who doesn't know what's important in life. I mean, Jake inspires me to do like art and stuff. Like last night, OK, I spent, like my entire night coming up with this really cool page in my sketchbook...and it's all about Jake's Jeans! I called it...

Jake and Blue Jeans: A History

So, oh my Gaw, this is what I was thinking. We could each go around and say which jeans we like on Jake the best, you know, like by year or something? And then we could say why. I mean, I guess it's obvious I like 2005 but I don't know if it's just because the jeans are so hot or if it's because those shoes are really hot, too. Whatever. Oh, I almost forgot! My mom said we could totally all come over to my house and she'd let us drink Coke! Wouldn't that just be awesome?! So, yeah, I have no idea why people think I like act half my age or something. Because, uh, hello? I am clearly way mature.

JAKE'S PLAYING BUT HE'S PLAYING HARDBALL NOT PAPARAZZI BINGO LIKE I SPECIFICALLY REQUESTED

How do Paps get these shots? Do peeps let them in the store or do they have lenses that enormous?

Last time I brought my dog a toy she went uber possesive over it and growled if you went with in a metre of said toy. By the end of the day it's squeak had expired and Hero (the dog) had lost interest in it. Sorry, this has nothing to do with Jake but what is there to be said about buying dog toys? If only I'd put 'bone' on the bingo card...

Pics from IHJ. And Happy Birthday Stephanie! Twenty-two isn't a particularly exciting year but I have a feeling it's all downhill from 21 onwards unless you're Jake Gyllenhaal. Isn't it?

BOO WATCH: THE PUGGLE PSYCHE

Ah, Boo. Still miss you, buddy. I need you, you know. I even had to do a special Boo Watch post to alleviate my stress (turn to T Shirt Time comments section to see what caused aforementioned stress). YOUR (happy?) little face reminds me of all the goodness and sweetness in the world.

I've continued the research PG started into dog body language because, let's face it, sometimes Boo and Attitcus prove infinately more interesting than anything that good-for-nothing MIA Gyllenhaal has to offer (you know, Jake, it's like you don't want us to play Paparazzi Bingo (copyrighted. All Rights Reserved.)?). Unfortunately, I've not done any, what you could call, actual research, but made it up off the top of my head. It's easier.

I've drafted in expert, Verity Lush Phd., author of Communicating With Your Canine: Touching Your Dog. From just looking at this picture and noting the stunned expression on Boo's face she was able to read his very mind. Wow.
"Sweet Mother of Pearl! Jake freakin' Gyllenhaal. Oh, this has to be a puggle's dream, materialising right in front of me. Of all the pet stores in the world and he had to walk right into mine. Ooo, isn't he sexy? How many puggles would pay to be on this lap right now? Okay, pull yourself together. Keep it cute and that doghouse with a pool is yours. Just play it cool, Boo. Play. It. Cool."

I JUST CAN'T FOCUS ON ANYTHING BUT THE BOOBS

Am I wrong? Probably.

AH, IT WAS BOUND TO HAPPEN SOONER OR LATER

The paps finally snap britpopbaby.

Hahahahaha...THE SWINES!

MY LAWYER IS A GOD SEND

I'm going to retire to my boudoir now but I have to give a "special mention" to Jake Watch 's lawyer, joycedavenport for finding this article:

BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN star Jake Gyllenhaal says the way to a woman's heart is to cook her a romantic dinner - or to do a STRIPTEASE.
He told Bravo magazine: "If I meet somebody, I always show her my real face straight away.
"Fresh produce is the most important ingredient when you try to win a woman's heart.
"Only then does cooking for two become an intimate pleasure.
"I'd cook loads of pasta, tasty vegetables and lamb's lettuce with tomatoes."
However, he added: "If I could impress her with a striptease, I would."

For the love of all things holy...

Source

IT'S TSHIRT TIME WHICH IS KINDA LIKE HAMMER TIME BUT NOT SO MUCH

I'm starting to think it would be easier to organise the Olympics but alas, no one has offered me that job so, on I plod with the clothing empire. First off, bad news...the arsewipe/owner of the font I wanted to use (you know, the basebally, swashes one) hasn't replied to my email asking for permission to use it so, seens as I don't want to get my peachy ass sued, I've had a rethink:
(We could have done beautiful things together, font man! Beautiful things! You don't get a second chance with britpopbaby, oh no!)
You like? You like very much? You don't like so much? Letta me know.

I think it shall be available in this style...

...and plain T-Shirts, but you all know what those look like. Fruit Of The Loom ones. I think.

I have other variations on the 'skinny' style but I'll post them in the Forum as to not turn JW into a full blown catalogue.

UPDATE: I forgot the slogan shirt!

You want one, yeah?

WELCOME TO JW'S MOST RANDOM POST EVER

Enjoy yourselves!

Sorry about this but I couldn't be arsed to make four seperate posts and my attempts to link these items are futile but...whatever...

Betty pointed me in the direction of Maggie's interview with Entertainment Weekly. Read it HERE. I'd like to pull out this quote from it:

''Maggie is this tremendously intelligent and alive and funny actor,'' says
Secretary director Steven Shainberg. ''There are few good parts for
women, ever. It's particularly hard when you're not, you know, Kate
Bosworth, who's fine and all that. But Maggie doesn't look like that
and isn't like that. She tries to find [projects] that have a little bit
more meat.''

Damn straight! It's about time someone questioned Kate Bosworth's mere existence in britpopbaby's extensive actor database. And while we're bitching about Kate Bosworth...

Pics removed.

For the love of Christ woman! No wonder that dress is heading south. And speaking of Christ...

Pics removed.

This is Sarsy attending the launch of Victoria Secrets Very Sexy Make-Up range. Erm, wtf? This is the kind of event I'd expect to see Jack Osbourne at or even Owen Wilson, but not you Sarsy. We'll just presume he has shares in it or simply wanted some free shit.

Speaking of shit, in that I don't want to start a shit storm but a reader messaged me a link to this article: Rumor Has It: The Gay Gossip Mill in the Age of Blogging posted at AfterElton.com. If you're not interested in all the gay rumours then feel free to ignore it but if you are read it HERE. I just thought some folks would wanna chat about it because of our current Ted C discussion (well mine, wtbgirl and The Bearded Lady's current discussion). I'm not sure of the exact tone of the article but I think it raises a few interesting points, mainly:

But gossiping about influential, gay-supportive celebrities in ways that
question their integrity and good intentions isn't the best way to thank
them for all they've done for the gay and lesbian community. We're better
than that.

We can find hundreds of pictures of Jake in spandex on the Internet, but
all that makes him, I believe, is a straight man in "gay" clothing. He can
ride a bike with Lance Armstrong and, yes, play the bottom to Heath
Ledger's top in a film, but he still prefers girls. He can even kiss Elton
John in a pup tent on George Michael's front lawn, if the occasion
arises, but that won't make him gay … or British, for that matter.

What the gossip might make him, though, is angry.

Jake's got to be telling Andy Towle, a blogger on a tongue-in-cheek
mission to make Jake gay, to get a life. Do these stars have a right
to be upset, or is the rumor mill a price they must pay for being
famous? Both, I suppose, but when is enough, enough?

Hey, what's wrong with being British? Okay, if you need me, I'll be in the corner, curled up, rocking backwards and fowards...

THIS IS THE MOST FUN I'VE HAD SINCE BAGGAGE CLAIM!

I know you often marvel at my creative offerings and I think we can all agree...I've truly outdone myself with this one. There are prehaps no words to convey the brilliance...

I'm just going to leave this up here for a while so you can truly appreciate it before I explain the premise behind this Mona Lisa of the 21st century.

UPDATE: Now you've all had time to absorb the greatness that is akin to looking up at the Sistine Chapel ceiling, I'll tell you what it's all about. I was going to leave it longer but you kinda figured it out already, (I really hoped you'd be struck so dumb you wouldn't be able to muster coherent thoughts). Forget Sudoko, Paparazzi Bingo (copyright Jake Watch 2006. All Rights Reserved. Not endorsed by Jake Gyllenhaal or probably the paparazzi), is the hottest game around. How long will it take us to blot out the boxes from all forthcoming paparazzi pics of The Gyllenhaal?

CURRENT 'PAPARAZZI BINGO' SITUATION (12TH SEPTEMBER 06)

JAKE GYLLENHAAL: DEATH DEFYING STUNTS

(click to enlarge)

Blazenly crossing a tretcherous London intersection on what can only be described as a "daft" bike. Look as his steely determination! Does this man know no fear?

FILMOGRAPHY

We've got all Jake's films on DVD. We have them on a daily rotation. We slap strangers who knock Bubble Boy. We mock orphans who have never seen Brokeback Mountain. We string up church goers who don't 'get' Donnie Darko. We know the plots, the quotes, the Santa-hat dance; there is no need for people like us to read reviews of any of these films, surely?

But what if they're awesome? Oh baby, they are! Guest blogger, Anneka, has taken time out of her busy leek-waving schedule to pen these here critques what stand before you now. Enjoy!


This film follows the true life story of when Jake got stuck in a library with a tramp and a dog. It was released in May 2004 and cost approximately $125,000,000 to make. We presume $98,000,000 of this was spent on a snow machine and the rest, naturally, on assorted buffets for Jake.

Part One: We meet the cast, learn that Dennis Quaid is a bad father and that Bilbo Baggins is up on his climate shit.
Part Two: Our hapless heroes fly to Noo Yawk city, but what for? A school quiz of course!
Part Three: We get some detailed digrams of New York library and a nice shot of Kirsten Dunst's legs.
Part Four: Some people die, some people almost die and some people are unfortunately still alive.
Part Five: We reach some sort of conclusion but I think we lost the point a long time ago.


This film follows the true story of when Jake formed NASA and then helped Stanley Kubick fake the Apollo 11 moon mission in the Nevada desert. And as the IMdb says, 'Rated PG for language, brief teen sensuality and alcohol use, and for some thematic elements.'

Part One: Welcome to Coalwood! The commies are watching you.
Part Two: The rocket inneundo creeps in sooner than anyone expected.
Part Three: It's Jake's birthday and he'll build rockets if he wants to.
Part Four: Holy Shit! There has been a Movie Mine Disaster!

JAKE IS NOT STARRING IN AN UPCOMING CONTRAVERSIAL FILM BUT SOMEONE ELSE WE KNOW IS...

I've just watched the trailer for World Trade Center, Maggie's new film and although for some reason the sound didn't work, I have to say it might as well have been a trailer for Armageddon or Independence Day. People looking up into the sky in bewilderment, mouths open as a shadow passed over them - not what I expected.

Watch it HERE.

What's everyone's feelings on this film? I admire Maggie as an actor and I'd like to know why she chose to be in it. I've searched for articles but all I can find is her comments she made about 9/11 and her response to the backlash of those comments.

EDIT: Well, I knew it wouldn't be too long before my efforts to have a topical debate would be overwhelmed by my need to look at pictures of the ever sexy Gyllenhaals. Luckily I'm perfectly content with and accepting of my shallowness so I feel no guilt.
Sorry the pic is so small - can't find a bigger one. Not even sure what the tagline for Maggie is. Meet Maggie Gyllenhaal: She's All About The Apples?

Jake Watch - How? Why? What the hell?

The following text is an excerpt from the highly anticipated novella JAKE WATCH: FROM THE GUTTER TO THE PAVEMENT - AN AUTOBIOGRAPHY, released in the near future by the publishing house britpopbaby's Long Tales Ltd.

“It was a dark and stormy April night as britpopbaby, swimming in gin and Doritos, thought, 'Hey, blogs are SO hot right now'…”

Jake Watch is a 76% satirical, 21% sincere (please allow for discrepancies) blog about the life and times of Jake Gyllenhaal; the most talented and smoking hot actor of anyone’s generation. Humphrey Bogart my ass.

Jake Watch was created in April 2006 by the now infamous britpopbaby after an angel visited her in a dream and told her she must carry out God’s work. Unfortunately she misinterpreted the message of ‘spread the good word’ and signed up at Blogger instead of the local convent.

The only thing that could stop her now would be a lawsuit or finding permanent employment.

In August 2006 Jake Watch 'hired' prophecygirl to blog for gold after britpopbaby kept slipping in and out of cupcake-induced comas. Shortly after, Anneka was coerced into writing for JW too after britpopbaby kidnapped her Fiat Punto and held it to ransom.

Jake Watch reached the dizzy heights of fame in May when a small case of copyright infringement scored them a Q&A with poet and director Poppa Gyllenhaal aka Gyllenhaal Team Leader. Since then it’s been non-stop with a couture clothing line, their own perfume and an appearance by association in a best-selling book about blogging.

Jake Watch is dedicated to bringing fans the latest Gyllenhaal news, reviews and oohs, because yes actually, the world does revolve round Jake Gyllenhaal.

DÉCOR - Because you just have to know, right?

Back in May 2006 Jake Watch took on the persona of a MI6-esque agency whose one and only mission was to protect The Gyllenhaal. Hey, you gotta get your kicks where you can. Dude, we took that theme to the max. The only problem was we had The Gyllenhaal all trussed up like James Bond but it didn’t quite work because he wasn’t the spy, we were…and then it got all confusing...

Jake Watch: The Enigma - FAQ with britpopbaby, resident know-it-all.

Do I need to register to comment on the posts?
All you have to do is choose Anonymous and it will let you post. We don't mind peeps posting under anon but if you choose Other Name you can type in any handle you like (Captain Trouserhorn?) and then it's just easier for other people to refer back to you. Plus, it gives you identity and we'll recognise you when you post again. If you do want to register then go to the Blogger HomePage and sign up.

Where do you get your pictures from?
We usually get them from iheartjake (the best Jake website around). Sometimes people send them to me and I also find a lot myself just by using Google Picture Search. Occasionally we use images from picture agencies like Wireimage and GettyImages. You never heard that!!

Don't you think the paparazzi pictures are an invasion of Jake's privacy?
Yeah but hear me out; we've got this great game called Paparazzi Bingo and my desire to see it completed outweighs any feelings of guilt or remorse. Also I have no morals. God, it's good being me.

Do you really stalk Jake Gyllenhaal?
No, so please don't drag me into court as an assilant when Jake finally discovers your stake-out spot in his bushes.

Do you know Jake Gyllenhaal?
No, but I have struck up a personal relationship with his Shiatzu masseuse. I'm thinking of asking her out on a date...

JAKE CALLED IN TO GIVE MEL GIBSON THE ASS WHOOPING OF HIS LIFE

Jake Watch has been given the exclusive news that The Gyllenhaal was drafted in by the underground militant movement HATMASC (Hollywood Actors That Mostly Aren't Shit Crazy) to give Mel Gibson, "a good talking to". After some finger pointing and tutting The Gyllenhaal persuaded Heath Ledger to admit deep regret for his role in The Patriot and chinese-burned britpopbaby's 'A' Level history teacher into aplogising for once making the whole class watch We Were Soldiers when they should have been learning actual facts about the Vietnam War.

The smile in these pictures are in fact a, "Oh, you think that's funny? How about I show you some Payback?" smirk.

WHY HAVE WE NOT NOTICED THIS BEFORE NOW?

Bad Agents!

Naomi Foner Gyllenhaal blogs! Or at least she used to: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/naomi-foner/. Now I don't consider myself too qualified to get into a debate about American politics, especially at this time in the morning, (although at this point I'd like to point out I have an 'A' Level in Politics and also a GCSE in Textiles Technology), but I have to say, I think Naomi may sway even more to the left than ProphecyGirl! Would it be so wrong for me to suggest that they might enjoy getting together to beat Dubya with sticks? Would it?

In other non-Jake-related news britpopbaby is injured. britpopbaby's father who shall only be referred to as 'The Big T' spent last night ripping up floorboards on the corridor that leads to britpopbaby's room (it's in the East wing). The Big T then apparently got distracted by some other chore and neglected to replace aforementioned floorboards with even a temporary solution. So at 7am this morning when britpopbaby was awoken by the world's loudest binmen she dozily wandered out of her room (in search of the maid) and stepped RIGHT THROUGH THE FUCKING FLOOR. There is now a britpopbaby foot shaped hole in the dining room ceiling. Thank god I missed the chandelier. I've had my Tetnus shot so I shouldn't die or anything but, like, my ankle really hurts.