Jake Gyllenhaal: From President to King of the World

Presidential candidate Jake Gyllenhaal has been named MKP's Sexiest Lad in the World, a contest he won so handily that none of the other Presidential candidates even placed. My Kinda Place (MKP) was quoted as saying, "If the number of votes that he received are anything to go by (he walked it) then he can sleep easy, safe in the knowledge that he has a very long career ahead of him (as long as he's looking this hot anyway)." Well said, MKP. Jake will, no doubt, have a long 4- to 8-year career ahead of him as President of the United States of America, although Jake Watch is going on record as saying we think his talent (i.e. political potential) overshadows his ridiculous physical hotness and MKP should be shut down immediately for preaching to youngsters that success is something that comes (and is sustainable) only to those who are good-looking. What the fuck kind of website is that?

When asked about his victory, Jake said, "This is almost as exciting as that time everyone voted that they wished I was gay. Thank God something came along to take the focus away from that Stewart/Colbert crap." By "crap," Jake was referring to the Great Stephen Colbert Smear-a-thon of Last Week in which he was harshly accused of not being an environmentalist just because it took him a billion years to buy a hybrid...which he appears to never drive. No matter, his recent(ly discovered) triumph in being named a lad of exceptional sexiness was enough to convince Leonardo DiCaprio that Jake Gyllenhaal is the best man for the Presidency. "Let's not forget," DiCaprio told Jake Watch, "that I played a doomed guy named 'Jack' in a tragic love story long before Heath Ledger decided to be a sheep herder, but as long as that's clear, then yeah. I'll use my record as an environmental activist to help him out of this mess. But only because he is the sexiest lad I know."

DiCaprio, who did not make the Sexy Lad List, has a new documentary coming out about environmental issues (11th Hour) and a website that makes Jake's Official Site look so unbelievably pathetic that Jake Watch is ashamed to the point of humiliation that the assault we launched on it was unsuccessful (for more on why Harrison Cheung doesn't have time to maintain Jake's site, click HERE). Regardless, the Jake in '08 campaign is pleased that Leo's environmental record can now be transferred to Jake via a series of confusing public service messages. Brilliant!

So it's settled. Jake is sexy, he has no problem getting the popular vote, and environmentalists like him. The Jake in '08 campaign could not possibly be going any better. When asked about his feelings regarding Leo's commitment to his campaign, Jake, lad that he is, looked like this:
Thanks to ATD for finding the golden Harrison Cheung tidbit. That is actually way better than anything we could have made up.

Recognition from the Highest Echelons - Finally

Jake has been nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize as interpretated by the Teen Choice Award 2007 secret circle. He has also been nominated for the Orange Prize for Fiction, for a novel he is yet to write but the proposal he sketched out in stick-figures on a napkin was so brilliant they went ahead anyway.

Obviously, canvassing must begin so I urge you all to head HERE to vote. You have to promise your soul to a wireless networking devil but I think it's worth it.

Enjoy this picture of some drunks while you contemplate how generally brilliant Jake is and how much he deserves your vote, in comparison to say, Hayden Panettiere.

Hot Brokeback - By The Power of Greyskull!

It helps if you've seen both films. If you haven't, well....fuck you.

Jake Watch Reverses 231 Years of American Independence

Dear Jake,

Just a quick note to keep you updated on your campaign for Presidential victory. Maybe if you'd give us your email, we wouldn't have to keep doing this in a public arena, but whatevs. Now, the two scandals from last week rocked the boat slightly. First off, Iowa is pissed and Idaho is confused. Secondly, the white witches are digging you BIG time whilst the Evangelicals are burning effigies - we didn't think this would present much of a problem but it turns out there are more Evangelics than white witches and they have like, their own TV network. So, to detract from your "envitable plummeting journey to the Underworld due to your commendation of witchcraft", we thought we might wheel out the big guns - that's right. POLICY. Apparently voters want to hear about what you plan to do when you get elected. Like 'be hot' isn't enough for these people.

So, we've been working on a few ideas, y'know, the usual - global warming, Iraq War, Paris Hilton - when we thought, wait! This is Jake Gyllenhaal's election mandate and what says 'Jake Gyllenhaal' more than STRAIGHT OUTTA LEFT FIELD. So, we present to you now, a proposed policy we concocted in preperation for the July 4th celebrations:


Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your ears:

When in the course of human events, it becomes necessary for two people to dissolve the creative restrictions which have bound them to lesser websites and to assume the powers of the internet, the unified international achievements to which the Laws of Blogger entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of Jake Gyllenhaal fans requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to reverse the separation as set forth by our forefathers on July 4, 1776.

Four score and seven weeks ago, britpopbaby set forth upon this internet a new blog, conceived in jest and dedicated to the proposition that Jake Gyllenhaal is hot shit.

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that not all men are created equal, that some are endowed by their Creator with certain unattainable hotness, that among these greater men are Jake Gyllenhaal and Jake Gyllenhaal alone. — That to secure his station as object of our affection, websites are instituted among men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the people who read them…[legal crap]...as to them shall seem most likely to effect their online enjoyment of Jake’s sexy body and stellar acting career.

We, therefore, the Representatives of Jake Gyllenhaal, assembled under the power of the Google web search, appealing to the Supreme Judge of the world (i.e. Jake) for the rectitude of our intentions, do, in the name, and by authority of the good People of Jake Watch, solemnly publish and declare, that the united Colonies of America will reinstate Allegiance to the British Crown under the Rule and Guidance of britpopbaby (of the Crown) and Prophecy Girl (of the Colonies) so that heretofore the two nations, conceived in liberty, and dedicated to the proposition that all men are created equal (except for Jake), shall join as one to share duties on the site known as Jake Watch.

That this blog, under Jake, shall have a new birth of freedom, and Jake Watch, as a unifier of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth.

A-fucking-men.

Sources: The Declaration of Independence, the Constitution, the Gettysburg Address, Mark Antony's speech from Julius Caesar, and my ass.

What? Not gonna fly? C'mon! British people are hot right now, look at Kirsten Dunst's boyfriend! Oh...sorry. And you LOVE British people, look:

The Second Campaign Scandal Hits HQ Hard

For the love of Ronald Weasley!!

Who went and released these frickin' pictures? Presidential candidate Jake Gyllenhaal moonlighting as bleedin' Harry Potter! We were having enough trouble thinking of ways to win over the Bible belt - now what the HELL are we supposed to do? Jesus Christ. Witchcraft is just not popular with any demographic...except Pagans.

Oh, I get it. This is LOW, Hillary, LOW.

Jake's First Campaign Scandal - We're So Proud!

Jake Gyllenhaal arrived back in Los Angeles earlier this week after a mistaken trip to Idaho for some early campaigning. "I'm sorry; I know now I should have gone to Iowa," Jake exclusively tells Jake Watch. "I was pretty sure it wasn't Illinois or Indiana, but who knew there were so many damned 'I' states?" Gyllenhaal's mistake does not seem to be an issue, however, as the latest Jake Watch poll has 14% of eligible voters saying they want Jake to be their President "a lot," another 32% going with "a hell of a lot," and the remaining 54% answering, "I'm registering as my dead grandma so I can vote twice."

Jake laughs off his mistake in the Boise airport with an unauthorized female his manager and a humorless man in a purple shirt.

Victory over the polling numbers was short-lived, however, as the first smear campaign of the season reared its ugly head from the Stewart/Colbert camp, a campaign whose MySpace page pretty much sucks because it doesn't even have a banner at the top (although they do have a depressingly higher number of friends than Jake in '08). Stephen Colbert released the following statement last night, "I see Jake Gyllenhaal has been wasting jet fuel again. Lazy bum. Like he couldn't bicycle to Idaho? Jake Gyllenhaal's carbon footprint is so big, they had to baptize it at Sea World. It's so big, it's got its own zip code! When God said, 'Let there be light,' he asked Jake Gyllenhaal's carbon footprint to move its fat ass out of the way!"

Camp Gyllenhaal has confirmed that Jake's ecological impact is roughly 3.5 times that of the average American but points out he's The Gyllenhaal and it takes a lot of airplane rides to accomplish as much as he has at such a young age. Gyllenhaal himself said, "Even if I drive my car somewhere so I can ride my bike, at least I'm in better shape than most people in this country!" The Stewart/Colbert Team has declined our repeated requests for their BMI ratios. Jake Watch is predicting that this is going to be an exciting race.

Picture from the Jake in '08 photo archive.

PM BACKS YOUNG BUCK IN WHITEHOUSE RACE

Last night Gordon Brown set his priorities straight as new leader of the Labour Party and Prime Minister of Great Britain. "What I really want to do," announced the ashen-faced Scot at a conference of London's leading press, "is offer my support to Presidential candidate, Jake Gyllenhaal. He's my choice, and I also know he's the choice of the British people. I look forward to working with him in the future."

When reporters asked why the new PM was so taken with Gyllenhaal, he answered, "He obviously has the most experience out of all the candidates, having dealt first-hand with such pressing issues as global warming, gay rights, Middle Eastern wars and imaginery rabbits. All this, despite being techincally too young to run. All the other candidates are tosspots and have shit MySpace profiles." When challenged by a journalist from The Times, who debated whether Presidential candidate Jake Gyllenhaal even had a MySpace page, Brown simply responded, "Oh, DOESN'T HE?". He then flashed the already amazed press his underpants and skipped off stage.

Sneaker Watch: Officially Vetoed

I know, over the years, the idea of a 'Sneaker Watch' has been banded about the place like the serve of a Russian ping-pong champion. I have never spoken publically about this before as I did note, at the time, the popularity of the notion. But now, I must proverbially lay my proverbial cards on the proverbial table.

I, for one, felt that 'Sneaker Watch' could never become a reality because a) it would be determential to the sanctity of Sock Watch and b) Jake wears straight up FUGLY sneakers.

My belief was further compounded when I chanced upon the following picture:

Jake, your Kevin Federline-esque pal has well and truly out-sneakered you. I simpy cannot devote any more of my time to your sneakers when your friend is standing right there, rocking the rainbow soles. I'm sorry, but no.

P.S - Hey, what happened to that guy, anyway? You're so careless with things like friends...and dogs.

Jake & Reese: The True Story

Another Jake Watch Exclusive
From The Ikea Self-Assembly Bureau of britpopbaby

The mysterious relationship of Reese Witherspoon and Jake 'Air Gunner' Gyllenhaal has been grabbing headlines since their rumoured romance exploded into the nation's conscience in early 2007, surpassing any concerns the general citizen had for the Iraqi war, global warming and Jennifer Aniston. The hot fling has now garnered more column inches than discussion regarding Britney Spear's hair regrowth, with everyone from Perez Hilton to Prophecy Girl throwing in their unsolicted opinion. Tony Blair was even overheard in The House of Commons saying, 'Biotches stole MY moment'.

But the lack of pictorial pashing and silence from Jake's manager, ex-East end villian turned loveable Hollywood rogue, Frank Boulevard, gossipmongers, fangirls and fangays alike were mighty suspicious of the hook-up.

Now Jake Watch can reveal whats really been happening as Frank Boulevard grants us access to Jake Gyllenhaal's blackberry, in an attempt to set the record straight.

"People have got it all wrong,' says Frank, 'of course they're deeply in love, but it's more than that...they're opening a traditonal London Caff together'. Frank explains that Jake's long-established love of food and cookery took an unusual turn when Witherspoon admitted to him that she secretly harboured a love of British cuisine. 'His face dropped, like a foot, when Reese told him she adored nothing more than going home after a long day's shooting and firing up the chip pan and gridle. Jake said he liked baked beans but he'd never taken it any further. She persuaded him to try a Ploughman's and after that, well he was 'ooked. You could say he got himself into a right Branston's pickle about it! Ahahahha! I kill meself'.

It was some weeks after this revelation that Gyllenhaal and Witherspoon decided to celebrate their newly found common ground by opening a traditional British-style cafe. A source close to the couple said, 'Jake has always dreamed of opening his own restaraunt, he just never imagined he'd been be doing it with the woman of his dreams...or that 'Spotted Dick' would come into the equation'.

The 'Gyllen Spoon' Cafe will be opening next month in Beverly Hills. Rumour is, the pair are currently recruiting staff - experience with lard is essential.

So you THINK you're a fan?

You reckon you own every DVD of Jake possible, do you? (Zodiac pending). Well, guess what? You don't! So get out your wallets and prepare to be amazed.

Just when I thought it was nigh on impossible for me to get any exclusives anymore, (due the more enthusiastic fans finding out about everything before PG and I), along comes ABBY SINGER.

It's indie! It's budget! It's Sundance! I'm moderately confused!

Abby Singer is a darkly comic tale that chronicles the life of Curtis Clemins, torn between the love of his life and his dream. When Curtis hits rock bottom at the Sundance Film Festival, he calls on his old college chum, Kevin Prouse, now a drunk acting instructor in the throes of a divorce, leaving him the only clue to salvage the remnants of Curtis' deteriorating life. American Movie meets The Player, Abby Singer is highlighted by a panoply of celebrity appearances including Jake Gyllenhaal, Brad Pitt, Jodie Foster, Don Cheadle, Stockard Channing, Jay O. Sanders, Robin Tunney, Roger Ebert, Dave Attell, Mark Bochardt, Mike Schank, Lloyd Kaufman, and many more. (from http://www.myspace.com/abbysingermovie)

Abby Singer is coming to DVD on July 24th. I guess you'll have to buy it to figure out more, but the film's producer Jonathan M Black tells me, '[Jake] was the first star to sign a release. He is a really cool guy.'

As always, MySpace is where it's freakin' at. View the trailer HERE.

Info on DVD release:
http://www.reelindies.com/
http://www.reelindies.com/search.asp?cat=feature

More links:
http://www.abbysinger.net/

Call yourselves fans.

Pop Quiz #2

Can you spot the blatant stalker in this picture? I should hope so, because it is blatant.

Flashback! Pop Quiz #1

More at JustJared.

Oh my god!

Reggae Gold 2007 is out!

Featuring muthafuckin' MIMS!

Oooo, get her!

Jake Gyllenhaal was pictured out and about in New York recently, wearing items from his very own, soon-to-be launched clothing line, JW can exclusively reveal. Gyllenhaal has followed in the footsteps of Kate Moss and pop sensation Lily Allen by designing a range for a top British clothing store, BHS. Named 'GyllenCouture', the clothes will be available for sale from August 1st across BHS shops in the UK with international customers being able to purchase stock from the online store.

Gyllenhaal says, 'When I saw Kate Moss's floral jumpsuit on sale in Barneys, I just knew I had to do something myself. I very into textiles, which is a little known, almost secretive fact about me. I wanted to create clothes that were practical, yet nonfunctional, comfortable, yet itchy, with buttons and velcro. I wanted like, old world meets new, I call it Nouveau Pensioner Chic. Would you like a pretzel?"

One things for sure, the fashion world is going mad and experts predict the range will sell out within hours and knock-off produce will be flying out of China in hours. Karl Lagerfield, top designer and rampant nutbag, is reported to have said of the range, 'It's very, um, New Jersey. What's that smell? Is it you?', whilst Dontella Versace commented, 'I'm flying to London as soon as, I simply need this knitwear." Kate Moss was unavailable for comment.

Gyllenhaal is unconcerned about the pressures he faces with this change of career, simply stating, "I want people to be cosy in my clothes....and a little sweaty."

More items from the 'GyllenCouture' Range....

When Jake news abounds, Jake Watch has it covered.

Jake called me last night and said, "PG, I'm sorry I never loiter outside your apartment anymore," and I was like, "It's OK, but maybe you could try to be a little more sensitive towards my feelings," and he was like, "Yeah, that's why I'm calling. I wanted to tell you that I'm on board with the Presidential thing." And I was like, "No way!" and he was like, "Way!" and I was like, "No way!" and we did that for a while until I said, "Thank God, because I already hand-pressed 2 million 'Jake in '08' buttons," and he was like, "Neat. Look, I'm doing some research right now and I'm looking at doing this play based on Howard Dean's 2004 Presidential campaign," and I was like, "Holy shit. You do love me! If you don't go through with this, I'll resign as your campaign manager."

And then Jake said, "But PG, I have even more news! I've made People Magazine's Hottest Bachelor's edition!" And I pretended to be really excited but in my mind I added People Magazine to my boycott list because they ranked McConnaughey ahead of the Gyllenhaal which pretty much puts them in the same category as Satanists and people who don't use their turn signals. Freaking McConnaughey, people! He continues to be our greatest challenge in "hot men" listing world...

Then today I was reading through some stuff by the posers over on Gawker (I think we could probably give them a run for their money when it comes to gawking and stalking; am I right?) and found out that Jake had lunch with Mario Batali which for some reason made people think he was Rock Hudson. Huh?

And last but not least, britpopbaby and I are moving into the family home in the next couple of days thanks to the overwhelming generosity of you, the readers. We raised $12.50. We're covered, though, on the $20,000 because brits sold her liver on the black market and I agreed to go without food or water for the next month.

Here's a picture of Jake wearing an Alf shirt because that just never gets old:

Outside your apartment? BITE ME!

Everyone in the entire world is having a New York Jake encounter, including some random people who call themselves "fans," aka people who look out their apartment window and see things like Jake Gyllenhaal walking by. Fans?! Talk to me after you've spent an entire Saturday putting Jake's head on a woman's body, OK?
You know what I see when I look out my apartment window? NOT Jake Gyllenhaal!

As if that wasn't enough, then my Facebook buddy Nicole wound up in a freaking pap picture with him (in the shorts, directly behind him).
You know what I see when I look at pap pictures of Jake? NOT ME! Nicole has also met (no lie) David Boreanaz; ergo, I sort of hate her. You know what she hasn't done? Nominated Jake for President. Where's the love, Gyllenhaal? Where is the love?

Fan encounter #1 HERE. Fan encounter #2 at IHJ.

Jake probably slept there more than one time...

Okay, guys, I gotta be straight up with you here. Prophecy Girl and I have, in the past, used the funds amassed in the Jake Watch Piggy Bank for less than honourable means. There was obviously a lot of gin involved at the time and maybe the Guadalupe Foreign Embassy but, y'know we've forgiven ourselves and so has Mayor Lupe Alvarez.

So the deal is, we're pretty low on cash. Usually we wouldn't hassle you with our financial troubles but they come at an imperative time as a opportunity as golden as Reese Witherspoon's hair has landed in our laps. The Gyllenhaal Seniors are putted their property up for rent for a mere $20,000 a month. Peanuts! Dry roasted peanuts! The prospect of having Jake Watch coming at you from inside the very confines of Gyllenhaal Towers is surely the most interesting news you've ever read in your life.

Now, I know what you're thinking, obviously we're close personal friends of the Gyllenhaals and they should probably just let us stay at their house for three months completely free of charge, with a block of brie and the pool boy thrown in, but apparently times are hard and house-sitters are few.

So, basically, we need to raise $19,998 to get our foot in the door, literally. If you would like to see this ludicrous suggestion become a reality, please give irresponsibly. We'd like to take stalking to a whole new level.

(Click to enlarge.)

Pictures from The Real Estalker, the self-titled 'Real Estate Porn Blog'. Read story HERE.

Apparently the fire pit is a bit cliche now, so Prophecy Girl and I will rip it out and replace it with a hog roast. Also, those steps after our daily gin allowance? Deathtrap. Some kind of all-weather Stanner stair lift needs to go there. Sofas, outside? Plastic white chairs are surely more pratical? And I'm not sure about all that birch either. It gives off a slight vibe of wildlife conservation centre. Paint? And where are the pink flamingos? Do you people have no sense of American pride? What? We'd be doing you a FAVOUR, Gyllenhaals.

JAKE SINGS BROKEBACK THEME SONG TO CROWD OF MILLIONS

No, he didn't. The headline was a total lie, but it did grab your attention, did it not? That is the purpose of headlines.

To the surprise of none, Jake has shown up in New York after his lollipop-laden departure from LAX earlier this week. But to the surprise of many, it appears Jake was not in town to visit with his various family members and friends who sometimes live there, but rather to jump-start his singing career. Yes, heading down the well-traveled path carved by Lindsay Lohan, Paris Hilton, and Eddie Murphy before him, Jake is jumping the acting boat so that he may swim to the shores of a career of pop music. This news should come as a surprise only to those of you who believe what you read on Jake Watch.

The real scoop?

Jake read the spoken-word portion of the song "Between My Legs" (scandalous!) at a Rufus Wainwright concert last night, surprising the rightfully delighted crowd. Roughly 24 hours later, I stole the above picture from poster "agnusday" on a Rufus Wainwright message board and then made up a fake headline. Thank you, agnus. Please don't sue.

More HERE and HERE.

Major props to get real, who essentially did this post for me. :)

Frankie Explains...

What’s up, me mockers? Frankie here. As Air Gunner’s manager, I’m responsible for all aspects of his career. Now I know there’s been some right Auntie’s Bloomers knocking round ‘bout the lad. What can I say? Comes with the territory. Last I heard they was all banging on about some twist ‘n’ twirl called Reese. Well, I wrote Air Gunner an British Rail, asking ‘im what all the commotion was about. Look, guv’nor, I said, there’s only so many ways we can play this game of gin rummy. I say we call River Nile. I don’t want my star buck running a’ muck with some divorce horse, especially since my Jesse Metcalfe is on the blink.

Well, he got right on the blower to me and promised not to get in a lick with this lass. What can I say? Boy done good. I also asked him to stop biking with that Armstrong as nut cancer does not sell movies. And McConaughey too, as McConaughey does not sell movies neither.

Hope that makes everything crystal. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to go for a gypsy.

GYLLENHAAL LEAVES TOWN AS THE FALLOUT OF HILTON'S IMPRISONMENT PROVES TOO MUCH

"Hey, are you my ride?"

Hot off the press!

Shocking! The latest in Jake news hits streets today.


Flashback.

Chariots of Fire

From some highly dependable rag:

Jake Gyllenhaal, always fan-friendly, was jogging through Runyon Canyon near L.A when two ladies begged him to pause for an autograph. "Sorry, but I can't stop," huffed exercise-nut Jake - who was wearing a gadget to track his heart rate and calories. "I'm monitoring my cardio workout, and if I stop I'll have to start all over." But when the persistent gals started jogging right alongside him, Jake cracked up and genially jotted his John Hancock without breaking stride!

Oh god, is he like the best celebrity EVER or what? Running AND writing, together! Some of them can't even drink and drive at the same time. Honestly Jake, it's shit like this that puts you up there, brother.

THE ALL NEW JW.com MEANS BUSINESS

So what does it all mean, Alfie? Jake Watch is going back to it's roots and by roots, we mean the drunken idea britpopbaby had for an ironic fansite after spending a night on the beach with Liquid Cocaine, not what actually made it on to Blogspot originally. Honestly, some of you may not like it, others will love it.

For futher discussions on what exactly the all new Jake Watch involves, join us in the Forum where I'll answer all questions. In the meantime, we introduce you to our 'new' team of writers (Louella and Anneka to be added soon).

Also: Design is not completely finished so bear with us!!

JAKE BRINGS BACK UNABOMBER LOOK

He was photographed in LA recently, uncharacteristically wearing sunglasses and sneakers and carrying a beverage cup.

(ANYTHING to get us off the peeing in a wave tank discussion.)

More at IHJ!

QUOTE OF THE WEEK

"Like any other sane person, I do not want to be judged by my looks. If somebody compliments me on my looks - which I did nothing to get - it has no value for me whatsoever. I would rather deal with people who appreciate me for what I do in my movies. All those lists about Most Sexy Males on earth, that appear in magazines quite often, all disappear when a new sexy actor appears on the horizon. A good acting performance will withstand the test of time. At least, I hope."



Oh quit whining, Jessica Alba.

Sourced from some interview, somewhere by someone at some point.

THE MOST CONFUSING INTERVIEW YOU'LL EVER WATCH

Jake Gyllenhaal au Grand Journal de Cannes
Video sent by Rubyowen

(Click the link below the video for a larger version.)

Jake, I don't care what the French tell you, you don't look like a 65-year-old man. Big thanks to Carla for finding this! And if you can stick it through till the end, the now-infamous "Night Fever" cover awaits you.

ZODIAC COVER ART: EXERCISES IN CREATIVITY

This is a terrible DVD cover. Let's discuss.

1. What the HELL is up with that picture of the Gyllenhaal?
2. No, seriously, how did they even GET a picture of Jake looking like that?
3. Come on, are we even 100% sure that that's Jake? We have been fooled before (heh).

On the upside, the actual word "Zodiac" does look quite nice.

More info HERE and HERE.

JAKE WATCH EXCLUSIVE!

You will ONLY see this picture on Jake Watch. I'm not even joking. Try looking for it. You won't find it. A Jake Watch gold star to the agent with the best guess as to when and where this was taken and how we were able to snatch it.

I GOT THE JOHNSON'S BABY POWDER AND THE POLO COLOGNE

Anyone who can link the title of this post to it's actual content wins a prize.

IT'S ANOTHER ONE OF ANNEKA'S MOVIE REVIEW!

Welcome to Anneka’s Picture House. Please refrain from smoking. And breathing.
Wow, bet you’re all glad to see the end of October Sky. Talk about the house guest that wouldn’t leave! So I’ve got a little surprise for you all. YES! It’s the movie where Jake wears a cowboy hat and does mindbending things with his limbs! Yes, the movie you’ve all been waiting for - City Slickers!

The movie starts unexpectedly in Spain, where they pronounce Jake with a silent J. The people are chanting “Toro! Toro! Toro!” so I am disappointed when bulls run out instead of the Rancho Carne Toros led by Kirsten Dunst. In the middle of the Spaniards, Billy Crystal, Marv from Home Alone and Home Alone 2: Lost in New York and some elusive guy who was not in either of those movies are running away from bulls. Oh, I know who it is – it’s the guy from When Harry Met Sally who gets it on with Carrie Fisher and buys a hideous wagon wheel coffee table. Man, I could run my own film trivia based website. I’ll call it…something catchy I’ll think up later. This formerly elusive guy shall hence be called Sally. There are stunts, the final of which involves Billy Crystal getting a horn in his ass. Not a euphemism. Cue amusing cartoon credits. Best name so far goes to co-writer Babaloo Mandel.

Billy is having his rear examined by a Spanish Doctor – el Doctor. Marv captures the moment with a camera swiped from Macaulay Culkin’s house. Billy moans that this is Sally’s fault and that he and Marv are sheep for following him. Hang on, is this BBM? We’ve got Jake, cowboys and now sheep. Sally has a moustache as well. Cut to Billy on the plane with three tonnes of bandage under his ass. He’s going to have a hard time at customs explaining why his ass is full of white stuff. Marv has a bitchy wife (note: not Joe Pesci). Sally suggests they try parachuting for their next adventure. Just in case you can’t tell, they are all at the age of the mid-life crisis. Sally says Marv is up for it and Billy says Marv wants to die because he’s married to bitchy Mrs Marv. Poor Marv.

One year later. Billy’s Mum wakes up him at the moment of his birth – 5.15am. Thankfully, my Mum doesn’t love me that much, if at all. Do you get how some people call their inlaws Mum and Dad? That’s weird. Billy’s thirty-nine. He has hair in is ears, gets depressed on his birthdays and seems a bit of a hypochondriac. Billy, welcome to Mid-Life Crisis City, population: you, Sally, Marv and Bill Murray in all his recent films.

At work, Billy’s caught trimming his ear hair with an enormous pair of scissors by none other than George Snr. from Arrested Development. George Snr. plays an annoying pizza advert that Billy put on the radio and which is so bad, it’s causing people to have accidents. Like Accident Direct. Put your umbrella up Billy, it’s about to rain disenchantment in Mid-Crisis City. Billy sighs “You ever reach a point in your life when you say to yourself, this is the best I’m ever gonna look, the best I’m ever gonna feel, the best I’m ever gonna do, and it ain’t that great?” Billy, that’s like a Tuesday for me.

It’s Bring Your Dad to School Day. Although someone mis-read the memo and brought an ass-crack. No wait, there’s a Dad attached to it, panic over. Builder Dad tells an inappropriate story about dragging a wrecking ball off a woman’s legs that the kids find delightful. Hell, damn, fury and fire, it’s Baby Jake! He has a strangely square haircut and ears that he has yet to grow into but damn it he’s cute, like Elijah Wood when he was a little actor. Not like a hobbit, like in Forever Young and shit. Jake stands up and does a terrible, terrible thing - he says his Dad’s a submarine commander. The thing I don’t get is that working in radio advertising seems pretty cool. You decide what gets on the radio without having to be as annoying and misogynistic as Chris Moyles. Having said that, a submarine commander is infinitely cooler. And Sarsgaard was in a film about submarines. Really gotta think of a name for that trivia website. Jake has the good grace to look ashamed with himself and lowers his beautiful blue eyes to the floor before telling the truth. I reiterate – working in radio sounds pretty cool. The kids and teachers soon tear it apart though until Billy vocalises his breakdown and Jake dies of embarrassment.
At home, Billy’s whining about his Mid-Life Crisis to his wife who has little to no sympathy. Billy feels he can’t quit his job because he won’t be able to support his family. And that’s important because Jake’s a part of the family. How will he become Oscar-nominated without financial security? Oh yeah, Damon and Affleck. It seems Billy’s other child Mag…, sorry, Holly, wants to go into drama but fell off the stage. Holly, Jake’s the actor. Divert your creativity into something else, like fashion. Holly arrives, and appears to be wearing a tartan dress with a hood. Forget fashion Holly, join an office and maybe you’ll be lucky enough to have a Diet Coke break once in a while.

At the birthday party, Jake pulls a face that makes him look like a transformer then does his shoulder-popping trick that makes me twitch. Billy sends him to bed before he can scare any more guests. I get the feeling this may be the last we see of Jake. No wait, there he is, telling Sally’s wife that he saw a picture of her in the newspaper in her underwear and that his Mum was bitching about her. I defy anyone not to use contraception after that embarrassment. Jake is then properly sent to bed and I don’t think we’ll see him again. Again.

Billy goes over to Marv and says “Hellooo?” in a way that cracks me up. Amanda Bynes does it in She’s The Man and I laugh everytime. Because I have a small brain. Marv is pretending to be sleeping to avoid Mrs Marv but it doesn’t work and she tries to make him leave but he begs another 15 minutes. She also makes him get up at 4:30 to open her Dad’s supermarket. Bitchery, thy name is Mrs Marv. Sally shows up and they give Billy his birthday present. It’s three weeks in New Mexico for the three of them, driving cattle. Okay, you’re not fooling me anymore TV, this is BBM and Heath’s about to come around that corner. Marv announces excitedly “Real horses!” I laugh. Billy’s not impressed as he’s supposed to be going to Florida to visit his inlaws, or Mum and Dad. The doorbell goes and Billy says “I know nine people and they’re all here.” I laugh again and then think that I don’t know six people and want to visit Mid-Life Crisis’ twin city, Quarter-Life Panic.

The voice of Lisa Simpson is at the door in a supermarket apron looking for Marv who promptly shits a brick. Uh-oh, Marv been making sweet music on aisle six. Looks like I’m right as Voice of Lisa announces she’s late. And not just for the party. And she stole a pregnancy test from work. Wish I worked in a place where I could steal pregnancy tests. All I’ve managed to steal so far are post-its. Mrs Marv is not pleased. Well, pregnancy tests are expensive. She calls VOL a whore and Marv grows a pair and shouts at Mrs Marv. Turns out they haven’t had sex for twelve years, which explains why Marv would go for the slightly androgynous VOL. Marv announces he hates her, which I understand, and “If hate were people, I’d be China!” which I laughed at. Told you, small brain.

NO, REALLY, WE ARE ON HIATUS

Except for this post about Cannes because dammit, the Jake influx is out of control, as it tends to be when he's either promoting a film or in France (and in this case it's both). So here's a little to hold you over:

Jake on a boat. Oooh, nautical!

Jake in a video HERE and HERE.

Jake in more pictures HERE and HERE and...pretty much if you go to any standard photo site (WireImage, Getty Images, Ramey Pix) you will find picture after picture after picture of Jake. So many, in fact, that you might think you're in France with him. Maybe. I did. For like 2 seconds. Man, it was awesome. OK, I'm totally lying.

Even more pictures can be found at IHJ, which is where we also got this witty, Beatle-esque interview with Big G from crazy French television:

Q: How do you feel playing real people (meaning Robert Graysmith)?
Jake: I’ve played real people before

Q: Did your life changed after BBM, success wise?
Jake: My life changed in a way that I never came to Cannes before and now I’m here

Q: How is your last name pronounced
Jake asked an actress sitting next to him –“Can you pronounce my last name?”

They then asked him to sing a song and showed the dreamgirls song in SNL.
Jake: I never sing without my dress

When they kept insisting and started to shout, he sang “Night Fever”

Yes, folks. Night Fucking Fever. We wouldn't expect any less from Jake and, as usual, he delivered in a major way.

As more inevitably comes to light, feel free to post in the comments.

Big thanks to Penny Lane for compiling most of this and Just Jared for letting us steal the above picture.

JAKE, SERIOUSLY, YOU'LL HAVE AN ACCIDENT

Jake in LA, sometime this week, I guess. Who knows anymore?

More HERE.

TEMP REPRIEVE OF HIATUS 'COS HOW DID I MISS THIS?

"Yes, Mr Gyllenhaal. I can appreciate your concern, and no, they shouldn't be in your bushes, but you're really doing yourself no favours with the tongue thing, buddy. Fans gotta get their thrills. Try slug pellets."

HIATUS

JW is taking a short break because the bloody rum has run out.

Whilst we're gone, please utilize the Forums. Link to any new pap pics or 'gossip' in there and not out here in the comments section. Any such links will be deleted and your IP address will be added to our blacklist.

Yours faithfully,

Prophecy Girl and britpopbaby

SPECIAL INTEREST: SPRINKLES GOES GANGSTA ON OUR ASSES

Ah, Sprinkles Cupcakes. That iconic relic of Gyllenhaalism that was thrust into notoriety last summer when Jake went to the cupcake specialty store twice in one week. Just days after Jake's purchases, I gave the workers there quite a thrill by showing up myself. It was a magical time for everyone involved.

So what's happened to Sprinkles all these months after JG and PG showed the world that all the cool kids are doing it Sprinkles-style? Well, apparently they're doing well for themselves, as witnessed by this special report on National Public Radio which fails to mention Jake, but does creatively compare cupcake sales to the East Coast/West Coast rap feud. Only NPR. Click HERE and then click "listen" to hear the 5 minute report.

Some actual Sprinkles cupcakes at someone's actual high school.

OK, so it was a slow news day. But come on. I know you're all dying to learn more about Sprinkles Cupcakes. Who isn't? When you can't have Jake, why not have what Jake's eating?

Big thanks to PG's real life friend Megan for compulsively listening to NPR.

Picture taken in the author's Gyllenmad youth (aka last summer). Sadly, none of the above are red velvet.

TONY BLAIR ANNOUNCES HIS RETIREMENT AS LEADER OF THE BRITISH GOVERNMENT...

...but Presidential 'candidate' Jake Gyllenhaal triumphantly steals his thunder with THE RETURN OF SOCK WATCH!

• COLOUR: White. Cannot say confidentally if they are 'bright' or 'off' due to shadowing.
• TYPE: Again, difficult to correctly assess. Tempted to say 'ribbed' but don't want to be held responsible for any fallout that may occur if it turns out they are not.
• HEIGHT: Ankle? Possibly longer socks that have been turned-down...but again, will not commit as don't want to start rumours and then the inevitable resulting wide-spread hysteria.
• OVERALL STATUS: Inconclusive but still exciting.

Damn those Yank politicans and their showy vote winning tactics!

JAKE WATCH AWARDS HONORARY LIFETIME MEMBERSHIP...

...to the lovely and amazing (get it?) Amy Macdonald of Glasglow. And what did Amy do to deserve such an honor? She wrote a song about Jake. A song! Like the kind that gets played on the radio! With lyrics and instruments! (I say all this to remove her from the inevitable comparisons that will be drawn between her work and the wondrous Bubble Boy rap that britpopbaby and I wrote...ours lacks the finesse of a finished radio-ready product.)

Congratulations, Amy, on joining the growing list of people named Amy who express their love of the Gyllenhaal via performance art and are rewarded by being mentioned on our little obscure corner of the internet.
Amy calls Jake "the most beautiful thing ever" in a Guardian career recap (read it HERE). She also has a MySpace page (HERE) where you can listen to the Jake song (titled "LA").

And now that I've hyped it like crazy, I'll mention that Jake is only mentioned in the first line of the song and the rest of the lyrics are so-so at best. Alright, so it isn't quite as good as Jake in a kilt. It's still Scottish!

Picture nicked from MySpace.

SOMETIMES THESE THINGS JUST WRITE THEMSELVES

Jake rushed to buy a copy of Unusually Stupid Celebrities as he wanted to study further Alicia Silverstone's theorem that Clueless was in fact very deep in it's lightness.

JAKE WATCH ACKNOWLEDGES THE SUCCESS OF THE SCOTTISH NATIONAL PARTY IN THE RECENT UK LOCAL ELECTIONS...

..with this beautiful piece of Gyllenbabble© from an interview with Scotsman.com:

"With Robert [Downey Jnr] there aren't just three degrees, it's like there are three dimensions and I got to travel under Robert's dimension. That's pretty awesome."

Also, with this picture of David Tennant in a kilt:

THE MOST EXCITING NEWS EVER

The forum has been updated. This isn't really post worthy but in case you go over there and it freaks you out, well, that's whats happened.

Here, have a nice picture of Jake:

PROJECT BLOGLIGHT

Who can remember the ancient legends of Jake Watch?

Well, if you can't I'll refresh your memories. britpopbaby was a lowly English student, beavering away at University under the pretence that a degree might actually result in some semblance of a career. How wrong she was! Her final coursework loomed heavily over her when an almighty bout of writer's block struck her weary mind (read: lazy mare). In order to overcome this creativity bump she started Jake Watch, in the hope that a few months of mindless rabbiting about some distant Hollywood actor would drive her back on course. How wrong she was!

Anyhoo, when the degree was done and forgotten about, all britpopbaby had left writing wise was Jake Watch, and whilst this wass good in one way, it was bad in many others. As much as britpopbaby loves Jake and would like to share a smoothie with him, he's not helping her out with her envied J.K.Rowling-esque career. So, britpopbaby is going back to writing non-Jake Gyllenhaal related things and she has coerced Prophecy Girl into joining her.

Our new blog is called 'Pink Flamingos' and it will be updated a couple of times a week with whatever strikes us at the time. You can read it here: http://pinkf.blogspot.com. Please stop by and leave us a comment because we know you love us and you're not really that interested in Jake Gyllenhaal, you just come here because you're actually stalking us.

THERE'S A SPECIAL PLACE IN HEAVEN FOR AGENTS WHO MAIL THESE

It's Jake Watch Craft Time! We thought we'd continue this tradition after the wildly successful Valentine's Day project. Today's exercise in creativity is called:

Fun With Boo And The U.S. Postal Service!

Instructions:
1. Click on the pictures below to see the full-sized versions. Save these to your computer.
2. Print off both pictures (make sure they're 4"x6") on cardstock and paste the two blank sides together. Instant postcard!
3. Check appropriate box.
4. Sign your name (or someone else's).
5. Affix stamp (before May 14th in the U.S. to avoid the postal rate hike!).
6. Put in mailbox.

BACK:

FRONT:
And there you have it! It's pre-printed, pre-addressed, and pre-approved by Jake Watch, so anyone with a printer and a stamp can now help us get to the bottom of this mystery! We're not actually kidding on this one. SEND IT! It's the right address and everything.* We even left lots of room in case you have to stick on an air mail sticker. You're not getting out of this just because you don't live in the United States...

(Yes, we did do Boo on a milk carton before, but we had to do a quick edit job on that since the original mentioned Ben Stein and this is probably going to be confusing enough for the recipients as it is.)

Jake, meanwhile, is working hard to distract us from what is really important here:

Doth mine eyes perceive a faux-hawk?! God, Gyllenhaal. It's like you're psychically tapped into all my quirks and fetishes. Now can you stop being so goddamned irresistible so we can get back to concentrating on your dog?

Agents, get to work!

* Thank you, Katie, for finding CAA's new address!

And thank you IHJ for your endless supply of Jake pictures.

OH, FOR THE LOVE OF BOO

Does it never end with you Gyllenhaal? Is BooGate not enough drama for you that you gotta throw TacheGate at us? I DO NOT have the time for this; I'm far too concerned about Boo to even get half way up in this madness. What next? Clogs?

Dammit! Maybe it's some kind of decoy?

Credit: IHJ.com

BALL THROWING: A SERIOUS BUSINESS

Soooooooo, Jake's been down the old dog park again with 'favoured' pooch, Atticus. Apparently he had a script which is...blah blah blah...interesting career wise...blah blah blah...long wait for Rendition...WHERE THE FREAKIN' HELL IS BOO?

Seriously, you wanna throw this puggle fan a bone here?