AULD LANG SYNE, DUDES

Is it really 2007 tomorrow? Where did the year go? Oh yeah, looking at pictures of Jake, watching Brokeback Mountain, pausing Jarhead, complaining about the delayed release of Zodiac, being threatened with three seperate lawsuits, wondering where Boo went, warming to Kirsten Dunst, loving everything about Maggie, having fun with Photoshop, realising how hot babydaddy Sarsy is, and, finally, pondering who Jake loves more: Socks or smoothies? Girls or boys? New York or LA? Biking or Lance?

I feel like we've rounded off the year about three times now but since it is the actually end of year how about a:

As voted for by the devoted fans, valued members of the local church community, scorned lovers, Puggle Owners of Great Britain and all inmates at Missouri State Penn.

• The Jack Nasty Guide to US Democracy
  
• The JW Exclusive Interview with Jake Gyllenhaal
  
• Jake Gyllenhaal: His Very True Life Story
  
• Blatant Stalking: The Golden Fiend
  
• For Your Eyes Only: Agents In Action II

*votes may have been tampered with.

Feel free to add your own. If you need us, I'll be scaling the Millenium Eye in a bid to save London from a terrible attack by an evil Russian magnate with one eye and a pussy who has replaced all the fireworks with TNT. ProphecyGirl will be taking the newly restored Jake Watch helicopter to New York, airlifting national treasure Dick Clark out of Times Square as the Chinese mafia have placed inside the ball a hoarde of man-eating rats. Anneka and Lt Dan will be in Wales, knocking back Malibu and chewing on leeks until the clock strikes twelve when they'll have a drunken pash 'neath the rotting Christmas tree. Terence will be on guard in Edinburgh, just making sure everything goes to plan. Where will you be?

Happy New Year my lovelies!

BACK TO BUSINESS

Well, seens as our holiday was cut short by the Adventures of Jakeman I guess we might as well drag ourselves back into the office for some end of year fun and frolics.

As you may or may not be aware 2007 is nearly upon us and Jake Watch has much planned, well when I say 'planned' I mean we've had ideas and stuff, not really committed them to paper or anything. Anyway, first task is a spring clean that might actually take us a whole year to do. The archives will be scrubbed and polished to make the blog a little less cumbersome with most of the older pictures being removed and some posts deleted.

Also, a revamp is in order but we need to do a little market research first. So, tell us dear agents, friends and rogues, which of the Jake Watch banners over the past year has been your favourite?

A. TOON BANNER


B. SPY BANNER


C. EXPLOSION BANNER


D. ORIGINAL BOND BANNER


E. BOND POSTER BANNER


F. SCHOOL BANNER (that never actually made it to your screens but is so awesome)


G. Some other banner that britpopbaby has forgotten about and deleted from her files but I remember it well!

Please tell us if you like a combination of things or if you have you're own ideas for the banner. We're very open to ideas at this stage.

SO THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN WE TAKE A FREAKING BREAK?

An early morning fire Wednesday at Manka's Inverness Lodge, apparently triggered when a tree crashed into the back of the structure, destroyed the main building and its world-famous restaurant where Prince Charles dined last year.

Academy Award-nominated actor Jake Gyllenhaal and his sister, actress Maggie Gyllenhaal, who vacationed there frequently, were among the dozen or so guests forced to flee into the wind and rain at about 3 a.m. No injuries were reported, but several dozen employees may be out of work.

"From my perspective, it looks like a total loss of the main lodge and the restaurant," said Marin County Fire Department Battalion Chief Mike Giannini.
None of the actors were available for comment. But Daniel DeLong, a co-chef/owner with his partner, Margaret Grad}, said they were helpful and concerned about the historic lodge.
"Jake was helping me pull things out of the fire," DeLong said.

Read more...

You got yourself caught in a fire? Are you kidding me! And then you went back in to pull out old crap! We can buy new old crap, Jake! Did those Smokey the Elephant infomercials teach you nothing? What am I supposed to do? My nerves, Jake! Do you never consider my nerves!

Great, now I have to go and get Prophecy Girl from the research facility in Greenland so we can assess the damage. I'm going to need an eyebrow singe report ASAP.

Photo Marin IJ/Robert Tong.

UPDATE: Poppa Gyllenhaal says "the family's great", that it was "quite an adventure", but that they're all "totally fine".

YO HO HO HO!

'Sup Flock,

I'm Jake Gyllenhaal, bike enthusiast and puggle activist; you may remember me from such paparazzi pictures as 'Blue Surf Trunks', 'Homoerotic Lakers Game' and 'Crossing the Road'. For me, like most people around the world (waaassssup Innuits!), Christmas is a time for reflection. A chance to look back at what has passed and foward at what is to come. I don't know about you suckers, but I've had a great year. Got me a Bafta award and I got to go to the Oscars and sit up front right near George Clooney - awesome - not on the same row, but y'know, still close. Closer than Peter Sarsgaard got to sit - lame-o!

In the summer I decided to take up cycling. Most people just buy a bike and get on with it but not moi. I like to enlist the help of some A-list friends when I take on new hobbies and who better than my main man Gunderson (oh, you might know him as Lance Armstrong, record seven times winner of the Tour de France), and also, for some inexplicable reason that has yet to be explained to anyone, Matthew McConaughey. We had an (to be said in a high pitch) awesome time. Who knew mountains had so many uses?

In October a new Gyllenhaal was good enough to grace the world with it's presence. Turns out I'm a great uncle, like fun Uncle Jake who gives you ice cream when Mom told you no and buys you really noisy toys, like a drum set and a Elijah Wood tap dancing penguin. Sweeeeeet. Good job I got all that practice in with Boo...speaking of which, have you guys seen him lately? I swear I left him around here somewhere.

Anyway, I didn't come here today to talk about myself, no honestly I didn't! Just wanted to wish you all a very Merry Christmas (yo, whatever deity you're down with is coooool by me) and A Happy New Year. Awesome.

See ya around guys!
All my love,
Jake Gyllenhaal.

PS - I know the picture has no relation to my letter but I just look so hot I thought you all should see it. Plus RDJ looks creepy weird. He's a card!

Jake Watch is closed for Christmas (25th-29th Dec*). Prophecy Girl shall be busy putting all Jake's Sprinkles receipts in date purchased order, Anneka is tied up ironing Jake's lycra bike shorts and as a practising Pagan, britpopbaby shall be dancing around the woods in a hessian robe, beating herself with willow branches and then sacrificing a Christian to the Horse Goddess at Stone Henge . Happy Yule!

*unless something really exciting happens or they cancel Christmas.

WHAT? BITCH, ARE YOU ON CRACK?

It seems Jake Watch are the only organisation responsible enough to handle statitics and then manipulate them in Jake's favour. The Internet Movie Database, playground of the crazies, has complied a list of the Top 25 Movie Stars of 2006 based on profile hits.

25. Kirsten Dunst I'm pretty certain she only made the list because of The Gyllenhaal Effect added with The Grand Old Doppleganger of Kent rumours.
24. Reese Witherspoon as above
23. Bruce Willis I don't remember him ever being rumoured to be dating Jake. Weird.
22. Daniel Radcliffe It states that all he's appeared in this year is a trailer. Well played, young Radcliffe, well played.
21. Heath Ledger Ooo, not as popular as Jake. BURN. See, that's what happens when you don't dance the provoctative dance with gay rumours.
20. Tom Hanks Yeah, I kinda forgot about him. I'll just presume it was all the bible-bashers going ape over The Da Vinci Code. Yeah, I kinda forgot about The Da Vinci Code too.
19. Zac Efron Quoi?
18. Orlando Bloom You should have fed Kate Bosworth before you left her.
17. Jake Gyllenhaal
16. Emma Watson I hear she's popular with the paedophile contingent.
15. Hilary Duff as above
14. Kate Beckinsale WHAT? She must check her own profile about a 1000 times a day to get in this list!
13. Christian Bale Talented (hot) but not as talented (hot) as Jake.
12. Rachel McAdams Seriously?
11. Jennifer Anniston I'm really glad I'm not you.
10. Natalie Portman Erm...okay. She's totally interesting.
9. Paris Hilton Vom.
8. Tom Crusie Fair enough. He's made the effort.
7. Lindsay Lohan For the hate mail, I guess.
6. Keira Knightley Represent' the British massive. I have to let this one go.
5. Scarlett Johansson A hefty mix of dirty old men and horny young boys.
4. Brad Pitt Meh.
3. Jessica Alba Has anyone realised she can't act yet? Or are we still hung up on the T&A?
2. Angelina Jolie You were more fun back in the knife, blood and bisexual days...
1. Johnny Depp Man, how does this guy do it? He doesn't even get the gay rumours. They must just talk about his career or something...

Well Jake I think it's pretty clear what you have to do to make No.1 come Dec 2007. Forget the Oscar nominations and Bafta wins, we need to bag you a role as a sexually questionable pirate, adopt a few kids from Gambia, Thailand and perhaps Russia, show your crotch, wear more latex, join a cult and hang out with Paris Hilton. You might also want to think penning a letter to JK Rowling so you can play Harrison Potter, Harry's long lost brother from California who loves to just like, hang out at the beach and catch surf between battling the evil forces of the magical plain. Just a thought...

NOTE: britpopbaby's MySpace account is no more. I just haven't got the time to run that one and the Jake Watch one, so if you need me then message/comment/send smoke signals in the Jake Watch MySpace direction. Prophecy Girl also has access to the Jake Watch MySpace account so if you need her on Jake Watch related business you can contact her there too.

IN CASE YOU MISSED IT...

Because every post this week has had some comment along the lines of, "OMG, Jake's hosting SNL!" here are a list of topics that have already been discussed but didn't get their own post:

1. OMG, Jake's hosting SNL! January 13. Musical guest: The Shins. If you don't know who they are, rent Garden State (although any agent worth their salt already owns it because Agent Sarsgaard is in it). Tickets are nearly impossible to come by, aren't available to people under 16, and even if you do snag a ticket, you aren't guaranteed entry, so I wouldn't plan an impromptu trip to New York over this. I mean, I'm not, and I'm nuts, so that's how grim the prospects are. New York agents, it's all on you.

2. OMG, Jake went bike riding on Mullholland Drive on his b-day! That's actually not that exciting because we see Jake in spandex all the time. There are some pictures...somewhere. Whatever. You can find them if you're really interested.
3. OMG, Jake may have gotten socks for his b-day! That is exciting because it would appear someone is honing in on our territory and that's not cool. (Unless it was Peter; he is authorized, after all.) Read all the juicy details here. We've got a team working recon to see if it's true. I hope it's not or else I'm going to have return that tea set I got him for Christmas.

4. OMG, Uncle Jack Nasty bit the dust last night! And it only took him five days to catch on to all the controversy. He was not a very good Jake. We will miss him anway. Sort of. OK, not really.

INTERNATIONAL JAKE DAY

Dear Jake,

I'm not gonna lie. We made a boo-boo. See, um, real life kinda got in the way of your birthday celebrations. Let me explain...

We started to plan for your birthday way back in August when ProphecyGirl came up with the awesome idea to write for you, Jake Watch: The Movie (aka, The Day After Tomorrow Never Dies). It was going so well until your Dad kind of pissed on our parade and made us realise you would either a, probably not appreciate it in the vein it was intended or b, plagarize it, turn it into a multi-million dollar movie franchise and take all the credit. Okay, more a than b.

So, our next plan was to do something for charity 'cos we're just all about the little people/ice caps. It was an amazing idea, trust me. We even contacted Livestrong and they were all like, 'OMG! It's not exactly a bike-athon but it's perhaps the best idea we've ever heard in the history of time'. Anyway, it was going to involved signed Jake goodness (real not forged, otherwise we would have done that ourselves), but alas, it fell through because some people that we're involved must of died or something. Man, I hope Shelley at Livestrong didn't say anything to Lance or else we're gonna look like asses...

Then we were going to do something artistic and creative with the usual Jake Watch flair, but then like I mentioned, both ProphecyGirl and britpopbaby had to be somewhere last night and now are totally hungover and can't be arsed. It's not like you put a lot of effort into our birthdays either though, so let's just call it even.

Here, we brought you these.

A new puggle because you seem to have misplaced Boo:

Cupcakes, your favourite. This one has Mohawk Ken on it...and also yoghurt. I don't know anymore, either.

Some Lance/Livestrong artwork. Umm, yellow.

A polar bear. Those ice caps are melting Jake, and Reginald needs somewhere new to live.

Peace Out!
Jake Watch.

PS - We shall also bring you UJN's head on a plate.

QUOTE OF THE WEEK

Hmmm, seems like someone might have a birthday coming up soon. I wonder what Jake usually does on his special day...

"You don't easily forget a birthday where you have urine-tainted water washed over you all day long."

- Jake Gyllenhaal, living it up on his 23rd (source)

That man knows how to party!

Also, to all you MySpacers out there, UNCLE JACK NASTY IS NOT JAKE.

CAPTION KIRK

Hey! It's Jake Watch's, er, tri-monthly caption contest! Caption it:

Please leave your name, prison ID number and which part of Jake you'd most like to lick this Christmas. The winner gets that AWESOME hat (size XXXXXXL). Good luck!

BACK AWAY FROM MY MAN

Usually when we scream like banshees at unauthorised people approaching The Gyllenhaal we have some form of imagery to roll with. Not so this time, but still deeply, deeply concerning:

[The] fact that he's been the most down to earth, gorgeous celebrity I've ever met, yes, I'll say he's packing heat. In other words, his personality makes him super sexy.When I met Jake Gyllenhaal he was SO unbelievably nice, chillin' backstage at a Maroon5 concert with a baseball cap on a little low, trying to be somewhat discreet, but talking to anyone who approached him.

I said, "Hey what's up? So are you a big Maroon 5 fan?" And he said, "Actually, I used to go to school with these guys." Smiling all big and shit, yes, both Jake and I. It was love at first sight. Then, we launched into a conversation and not only did he keep perfect eye contact the entire time, I think he was interested in what I had to say. His muscles were bulging from under his shirt, he looked delicious, maybe he was filming Jarhead at the time.

His eyes were so beautiful and I had to actually end the conversation and walk away, cuz he would have kept talking. He's a wonderful man. Obviously, I regret not attempting to ass myself out and take more advantage of the situation. SO hawt Jake!! Aaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh!

Posted by JOY at PopOnthePop.

What to do? What to do? I'm torn. On the one hand, I usually like to support fellow bloggers as our task is an arduous and thankless one and I really don't want to claw someone called 'Joy' to pieces, especially at this time of year, BUT this is Jake we're talking about and to hear such utterances as 'eye contact' and 'packing heat', I'd say a short, fast trip to the blacklist is in order.

For now, I'm just going to mark you down as ‘Gyllenhaalic: mildly unstable’ (new definition table coming soon) and presume any advances Jake may have made were purely a creation of your psyche. In fact, I’m just going to pretend the whole scenerio was whimsy.

JAKE WATCH UNCOVERS SCANDAL!

Covert operatives within Jake Watch have recently made the shocking discovery that the paparazzi regularly doctor the photos that they release of Jake Gyllenhaal. See the irrefutable evidence below:

Altered version:


Actual photo:
As suspected, Jake's life is much more exciting than most people think.

BITCHIN'

It's still awesome. Does it make you weep? It deserves an award.

HEY, JAKE'S PR. I'M BILLING YOU BY THE HOUR FOR THIS.

I now present...

The 2006 Official Jake Gyllenhaal Fan Survey as sponsored by Jake Watch.

Did you wonder why we did this? Me, too! Just kidding. Seriously, I find this fascinating. You probably won't.

(I'm going to try to make this look scholarly just in case anyone wants to go around spouting our numbers. This was totally a legitimate scientific undertaking, you know.)

Where these numbers came from:

We got 166 responses to our survey via e-mail, the IHJ Community, and the Jake Watch comments section (to view the survey, look here). The responses came from 30 different countries (that's counting the UK as 1). The survey was advertised on this site, at the IHJ Community, and both on the "Jake's Eyelashes" thread and The Daily Sheet at the Dave Cullen Ultimate Brokeback Forum. It also received a mention in the comments section at Waiting for Toothy.

Where these charts and percentages came from:
The aforementioned 166 responses + Excel + PG's head.

What these numbers could have told us:
We hoped to gain enough responses from these four Jake communities (JW, IHJ, WFT, and DC) to be able to compare the demographic make-up of each readership. Yeah, not so much. There are some numbers towards the end of the post comparing results from each of these sites, but they speak only for the sample who responded to the survey and NOT the community as a whole (you were counted as part of community if you listed it as your first website choice). Aside from Jake Watch, no one site had enough responses to warrant a usable representative sample. See, I told you this was legitimately scientific.

What these numbers actually told us:
We did learn a little about Jake fans in general (Jake Watch readers in particular), and you're just as I imagined you! Darling! Every last one of you! Occupation and internet connection data are not analyzed below because this is complicated enough as it is (your results are safe and will most likely be used at a later date). With 100% of the precincts reporting (the following results utilize responses from all websites):

You're female...

(Although, I gotta give it up for the 10% of you representing the other side of the gender line.)

You like Brokeback Mountain (a lot)...

You like Jack "See ya fur supper" Twist, too...

You're relatively new to being a Jake fan...

(That should be "year in which individual became a Jake fan." It's possible that's self-explanatory.)

And check out your amazingly uniform age range graph...

You guys ranged from age 12 to 60+, with most of you falling somewhere neatly in the middle. I was surprised we didn't sway younger. Does this mean Jake is less appealing to teens than older movie-goers? Who knows? That wasn't part of the survey.

Fun Facts:

- Not a single person mentioned Lovely and Amazing.

- Every person who listed Proof as their favorite movie also listed WFT as their number one site.

- 3 of you listed Jake's greatest achievement as "breaking up with Kirsten Dunst."

- Another 3 listed his greatest achievement as "birth."

- 36% of Americans went with Jake's Oscar nomination; 25% opted for the BAFTA win. For non-Americans, 38% went Oscar, 46% went BAFTA.

- Only 1 person converted to Gyllenhaalism in the year 2000.

- There was no readily apparent correlation between age and the year a person became a fan (no one year saw a peak in older or younger fans).

- More non-Americans listed their favorite cause as Rock the Vote than Americans.

- No Americans listed the College Summit as their favorite cause.

- Almost exactly half of you listed either Rock the Vote or the ACLU as your favorite cause. Future Forests and Livestrong tied as the third most popular cause.

- 66% of Jake Watch fans listed IHJ as their second choice.

- 35% of IHJ fans didn't list a second site at all.

- Not a single Dave Cullen fan listed WFT as their second choice (although 3 WFT fans listed DC and their number two).

- 86% of you said you visited your number one site at least once daily.

- 78% of you who listed Jarhead as your favorite movie also listed Swofford as your favorite character. 71% of you went with both Brokeback and Jack Nasty. Only 38% doubled up on Donnie Darko.

- 73% of you who listed Future Forests as your favorite cause also listed Jack Twist as your favorite character. Only 37% of Rock the Vote people went with Jack.

- 64% of you who liked Jarhead also thought Jake's greatest achievement was his Oscar nomination. Only 29% of Brokeback fans agreed with you.

- 92% of the people who listed Donnie Darko as their favorite movie were under the age of 40.

- 14% of you were from the United Kingdom, but there wasn't a single representative from Ireland.

- PG to BPB, "Hey, I wonder how many responses we'd have to get before someone says their favorite movie is Highway?" Answer: 166. It was the last entry.

More for aesthetics than anything else, the countries represented by these numbers (45% American):

- 100% of DC fans (perhaps predictably) listed Brokeback Mountain as their favorite movie.

- Whether comparing results from each individual site or looking at all the responses as a whole, Brokeback Mountain was always your favorite movie. Donnie Darko was always your runner up.

Movie Preference by Website:

Anything else you want to know?

QUOTE OF THE WEEK

Hmm, this feature has been less than weekly of late. We'll have to see what we can do about that...especially when we have gems like this waiting for analysis:

"You should record my voice really fast so that you can slow it down and I can sound really weird."

- Jake "That Is So Weird" Gyllenhaal source

Tomorrow we shall reveal the exciting results of the exciting Jake Watch 2006 Official Jake Gyllenhaal Fan Survey. It will be a post with lots of graphs and percentages and very little humor. Statistics aren't funny. Unlike this picture:
Ha ha. Looks like another one for the Exciting Moments in Gyllenhaal Hair file.

Pic from IHJ.

OCTOBER SKY REVIEW PART 4

I forgot all about this! See, this is why I could never actually run a top secret militant organisation...but Prophecy Girl totally could.

Oh, I also just learnt that 'October Sky' is an anagram of 'Rocket Boys'. GENIUS.

Read PART 1 here.
Read PART 2 here.
Read PART 3 here.

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In a tantrum, Jake goes outside and sits on a car, thinking about how shitty his life has become within the last twenty-four hours. So this is what it feels like to be Jack Bauer eh? Oh look, is that Elisha Cuthbert come to comfort him? No, it’s the next best thing. No, not Row-Lee. It’s Plainer Jane, who is even wearing a plainer cardigan of the same colour as Susie Highschool. Jake looks less than impressed to see her – perhaps he was hoping for Row-Lee – and utters her name but his accent and the sighing nature of his voice gives away hardly a syllable. Whatever her name is, she’s glad Jake didn’t go to jail. Jake is again unmoved. What the hell’s the matter with the boy? Like a good JW agent, she doesn’t take the hint and hangs around telling him his rockets were exciting. You haven’t seen his best rocket yet love. Her sudden scientific interest makes Jake look at her in a new light and the music build on the soundtrack.

A few minutes later, they’re parked under the railway bridge in the back of a car, both looking nervous. I would be too after all the railway line the Rocketeers have been nicking, the train could come off the track and crush them flat. Jake asks if she’s seen Frankenstein Meets The Wolfman. I’m unsure where he’s going with this until I recall him and Row-Lee practicing for scary movies on the porch way back when Jake had never even seen Sputnik. Jake’s about to give her a nipple-twist when a car horn goes off and someone’s calling his name. There are three of them so I’m guessing it’s the rest of the Rocketeers.

Cut to a truck driving erratically through the rain. Jake is dropped off and he runs indoors where New Movie Mom is sitting in the dark. This does not bode well. She says if NPC dies, she won’t shed a tear. Shit. We hear the sirens and Jake heads for the mine. There are ambulances and families huddled under umbrellas waiting for news. The ambulances aren’t under umbrellas - can you imagine how big an umbrella you’d need to huddle an ambulance underneath? The mine elevator is coming up as Jake gets there. As miners tumble out, people shove aside crowd barriers. Wow, it’s like a Jake premiere. Jake hasn’t seen his Dad. And there’s a body. Hankies at the ready people. Someone peels back the blanket, Jake’s face is torn as he sees who it is. Oh, you crafty film-makers. Tis not NPC, tis Euro-Mining Previously Welding Guy. Jake feels incredibly guilty and is about to try and comfort Euro-Mining Guy’s family when someone yells “Hickam’s hurt!”, Hickam being NPC’s real name. Well, Chris Cooper’s his real name but you get the picture. NPC is carried out of the mine with a fractured skull and man-handled into an ambulance. Jake is left standing in the rain, reaching for Euro-Mining Guy’s ID token – 723. Not a dry eye in the house as Jake looks with horror towards the steaming mineshaft, knowing it will be his destiny now his rockets are out of the picture.

At home, Jake, New Movie Mom and Brother of Jake are sharing a cuppa. They have a cup each, things aren’t that bad just yet. Although they are for NPC as it seems he may be losing an eye and the coalboard won’t pay for his medical treatment. Bureaucrats. Brother of Jake offers to go down the mine but New Movie Mom won’t hear of it as he has to finish school to go on his scholarship. Jake says he’ll go instead. New Movie Mom makes no objection. What a bitch. Jake looks frightened about working in the mine. He should be. Decapitations, death, dirty faces – the mine don’t mess around.

Jake’s in the headmaster’s office, quitting school. The headmaster tells him it’s nothing to be ashamed of. Damn right it’s not. He’s mining to save his father’s sight and his family’s tea-set. It’s the most honourable thing a rocket geek can do. He’s clearing out his locker when he spots Mrs Sam Neill giving him the evil eye. He chases her down the corridor but she does not stop or talk to him. What a bitch! Weren’t you here for the ‘he’s mining to save his father’s sight and his family’s tea-set’? He doesn’t want to mine, he wants to build rockets with his gang of faithful Rocketeers. He certainly doesn’t want to be getting up in the middle of the night as we see him do in the next scene. His Mum picked him out some nice blue PJs. He takes his new miner’s hat out of the plastic wrapper, ignoring the picture of Doctor Van Damme next to it. He cuts a very dashing profile as he puts it on his head. The hat, not the picture.

Irish music plays as Jake steps into the mine elevator for the first time. He looks up through the wire of the elevator. And sees Sputnik moving across the Not-Anymore-October-Sky. His blue eyes shine in the dark as the elevator starts to sink. He does not lower his head until someone tells him to turn on his miner’s hat. Good, he remembered to put batteries in it. He climbs out of the elevator and looks so scared I want to climb through the screen a la the creepy Japanese girl in The Ring and give him a hug.

Honey, NPC’s home. New Movie Mom is showing him carbon crystals that he gave her on their honeymoon. I suppose they’re nearly the same as diamonds, just a few thousand years, a few thousand tones of pressure and a few thousand dollars difference. Jake comes to talk to NPC, looking like he has Bert from Sesame Street eyebrows because of the coal-dust. In contrast, NPC has a bandage over one of his eyes. Jake says he feels responsible over Euro-Mining Guy’s death. NPC says he gave Euro-Mining Guy the chance to go back to the workshop but that he wanted to stay in the mine because the money was better. So really, it was Euro-Mining Guy’s own fault, wanting to buy diamonds for his wife instead of just sticking with carbon crystals like NPC did. Jake still looks sad. And in need of a bath. NPC asks if mining is that bad. Jake says yes. Straight to the point. NPC coughs a lot, movie-speak for ‘about to kick the bucket’.

Jake’s invited the ex-Rocketeers for lunch on a log outside the mine. Apparently, Mrs Sam Neill has a new boyfriend so she hasn’t been around much. I can’t believe the headmaster would give her time off to hang with her boyfriend instead of teaching class. DA SHERMANATOR ASKS VAT IT’S LIKE DOWN DARE. Jake ignores that and shows them his newly toned muscles. They all have a feel. How do you sign up to be a Rocketeer so I can feel Jake’s muscles? Row-Lee says no wonder his step-daddy can kick his ass. Jake eagerly says “Come down the mine” but Row-Lee is in no hurry. He’s got cars to shoot at and girls to nipple-twist.

Dinner at the Hickham house. NPC, bandage-free and still with two eyes, is finally proud of Jake for making a sacrifice and says he’ll be able to go back to school. But Jake is fed up of learning science and arithmetic, he’s got mining fever now. New Movie Mom tries to get NPC to persuade him, but NPC’s on the side of mine. He wants as many people as possible to get sucked into it. He says Jake’s mining has made him a man. There we go Westlife, that’s what makes a man. New Movie Mom is disgusted by this and stalks off without finishing her dinner.

NPC’s back at work, fighting with the character called Jake as opposed to the real Jake. He asks how Real Jake is getting on. Affirmative – he’s the best darn underage miner they got. NPC asks if Jake wants to visit the coal face. What, the coolest part of the mine where only the VIPs get to go and drink Cristal from golden thermoses? Jake jumps at the chance. NPC and Jake do a bit of manly bonding – no, not like that – now that they’re both miners. NPC has another violent coughing fit. Does anyone else think he should be in bed and not down a mine? NPC says he was born for this, and Jake was too. Jake is not impressed with this news and gets a little misty-eyed as he starts thinking about his rockets again.

Jake comes in from a hard day in the mine and New Movie Mom comes to talk to him. Not now woman, he needs to get out of them dirty clothes and into a shower. Without his dirty clothes. New Movie Mom says something I cannot interpret. Is it their accents, my ears or the sound on my dodgy TV? Britpop, you willing to give me some petty JW cash to get a flatscreen and surround sound? Thought not. Anyway, seems like bad news as New Movie Mom puts her arms around him. Crud, has Row-Lee’s step-daddy finished him off? Has Jean-Claude Van Damme blown himself up? HAS DA SHERMANATOR BEEN CALLED BACK INTO DA MISTS OF TIME TO PERFORM SOME ASSASSINATION?

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THE JAKE WATCH NEWS

With Jake! Remember the last time we had one of these babies? Oh boy, that was fun. Good times. Good times.

JAKE WATCH WILL NOT BE SWITCHING TO BETA BLOGGER
Not that any of you care but I was excited about it. It meant we could have catergories and stuff but when I tried to swap over it told me Jake Watch was too big. Jake Watch and it's fat ass...

PROPHECY GIRL ROCKS THE EXCEL
Thanks to everyone who took part in our survey. We're working on it as I type with Prophecy Girl using her spreadsheet mastery to perfect our scientific findings. Oh yeah, baby.

INPUT TIME
I would have made it in to a questionaire but I think we had a question and answer overload this week. Basically, with the new year approaching and britpopbaby getting restless about the layout again - is there anything you'd like to see at Jake Watch? Any changes? Any ideas?

FINALLY, BUT I SWEAR THERE WAS SOMETHING ELSE I HAD TO TELL YOU...
Your questions answered...

Ya Brit, what did you have for breakfast this morning? asks Agent Simon.
A Kit Kat and two litres of Sunny Delight.

Are we ever going to see your socks? asks kaydee
NEVAAAAAAAAHHHH!

Aren't you afraid someone will set up a BritpopbabyWatch and stalk you? asks kaydee again.
Scared or a little turned on? I'd be very easy to stalk.

My question is have you got my Oasis CD? Because if you haven't, I've lost it asks Anneka.
I may have it but I also may have lost it too.

A while ago you mentioned that you'd been reading 70s postmodern novels, any recommendations? asks em
Angela Carter – The Passion of New Eve and The Infernal Desire Machines of Doctor Hoffman
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Passion_of_New_Eve

What are some of your other interests that we don't know about? asks em.
When I’m not blogging I enjoy road rage and caprese.

What's your favourite JW post? asks em.
Ooo…I’m not sure. I’ll have to come back to that one when I’m not high on Strepsils and Lemsip.

So what color are they? asks Dumbo.
Black mainly.

What REALLY happened between you lot and Stephen Gyllenhaal? Is there more to the story (because I have a feeling there is)? asks dear old anonymous.
Sarah920, is that you? Poppa tried to get PG drunk and then begged her to go to Masion Derriere with him. True story. Seriously though, we're writing the expose as we speak. It's going to make us hundredaires!! (PG adds: It's entirely true. I can also verify the alcohol in question was Peach Schnapps.)

Do u have Jake posters or things alike in your bedroom/bathroom/kitchen anywhere?!? asks Agent sam 985
No I don’t, I'm not allowed to use Blu Tac 'cos I eat it. I wouldn't recommend keeping Jake posters in your bathroom.

Query for PG: Tell us everything about you. I feel like I know some stuff about BPB. She's an agent that poses as a student like Sydney Bristow and she's now got a 9-5 as a cover for her life of intrigue but what are you all about? What makes you tick? How do you pay the bills? asks squall.
My friends will tell you I work a mundane office job that is completely unrelated to any ambitions I might someday acquire, but what do they know? They also might tell you I've been heavily involved in 5 fandoms since age 2 and never crushed on a boy in college who was remotely within my social stratosphere, but I have no idea what any of that has to do with Jake.

Query for BPB: When/If your Jake Gyllenhaal interest wanes do you think you'll do another kind of blog? What kind? asks squall.
How could life possibly carry on if my unhealthly obsession with Jake were to wane? Although, tea, being my one true love, does deserve that website I always promised it.

Can we see a picture of the REAL bpb not the cartoon. I'd love to put a face to the name! asks Agent sam 985.
Already answered I think. You can find mugshots of me, PG and anneka if you know where to look (wink, wink, nudge, nudge...no not there!)

Hey, I almost forgot my last question: Is anneka a real person or BPB's or PG's alter ego? asks kaydee.
Anneka is my Frank the Rabbit. Except she is only 5’2 and Welsh. And real, I think, but either way I should probably see a psychiatrist about her.

JAKE GYLLENHAAL HAS A SENSE OF HUMOUR!

And also a mesh shirt...who knew? Apparently on leaving some pretentious sounding resturant that the likes of you and me wouldn't be allowed near, Jake decided to play a joke on the paparazzi.

From Paparazzi Diaries..."Jake was having lunch with a friend and played a prank on the paparazzi on the way out. He pretended he was going to give up pictures by walking out with a smile on his face but soon started walking backwards to his car. He then quickly turned around and dashed in his car."

Oh stop! You're killing me!

There is a video at Splash - maybe that will help...

BLATANT STALKING #9 (I THINK)

Well, what have we here? Yeah, you, with the chin-strap. Don't you have something you're supposed to be doing? Like briskly and awkwardly pacing in front of a tiny guardshack? Or remaining emotionless as you get your picture taken with some annoying American tourist (Jake, I didn't mean you)? Or, you know, guarding the freaking royal family or whatever it is you do in your stealthy red uniform and bizarrely fuzzy hat?

It would seem to me that you have not-so-subtly been distracted from your duties to crown and country by the casual ambling of Mr. Jake Gyllenhaal in yet another case of BLATANT STALKING! I can't really blame you since Jake's standing pretty close there and it's a physically impossibility not to stare at the Gyllenhaal when he happens to walk by. But you're a British guard-thingy-whatever-dohickey for God's sake. To be honest, I was expecting more from you. In fact, I might go so far as to say this is an embarrassment to the entire United Kingdom. And just between you and me, judging from the look Jake's shooting this way, I think he's actually caught on to your stalking! I do believe that makes you the worst offender in Blatant Stalking History.

By the way, take a step closer and we'll hit you with a Back Away From My Man while we're at it.

***

In other news, thanks to everyone who replied to our darling little survey. I can assure you the Jake Watch Bureau of Mathematics and Statistics is doing some amazing stuff with lines graphs and standard deviations about now. But, um, agents? You were a little lackluster on this one. 95% of you didn't respond (see, you thought I was making that math thing up, but these guys know their stuff). If that makes you feel guilty in any way, you can still fill out a survey. We'll accept 'em through Friday. If you trust the other 5% to speak for you, then don't worry about it. Over and out, agents. :)

THE JAKE FAN SURVEY 2006

Man, if there is one thing I love more than Jake Gyllenhaal, tea and Penguin biscuits then it's statistics!

PG and me, myself and I would like to conduct the biggest Jake fan survey EVER. Why? We frickin' love making pie charts and bar graphs! So we're going to start here and also going hopefully lobby DC Forum, IHJ, WFT and everywhere else to make this happen - can you feel the unity? Can we say 'comphrehensive'? I'm not saying anything is going anywhere but who knows? Maybe we'll put it in Jake's Christmas card and he can go, 'Wow, someone in Guam digs me'. Ya down?

So, either post your answers in the comments below or email them to britpopbaby@jakewatch.com or prophecygirl@jakewatch.com and wait for the magic to happen! After three, everyone say 'Demographic!'

Copy and paste, baby.

Section 1: Personal Details

Location:
Age:
Sex:
Profession:

Section 2: Jake Details

Fan since:
Favourite Film:
Favourite Character:
Favourite Cause:
Greatest Achievement:

Section 3: Internet Details

Website preference:
2nd Preference:
Frequency:
Service Type:

Par example using britpopbaby's most intimate details:

Section 1: Personal Details

Location: UK. (Just need a country here).
Age: 23. (If you don't want to give your actual age you may use a band i.e 45-50).
Sex: Yes please! Ha, got ya, okay, female.
Profession: Public Servant. Again, be as precise or as vague as you want but some indication would be interesting.

Section 2: Jake Details

Fan since: 2002
Favourite Film: Donnie Darko (ONE only, sorry!)
Favourite Character: Donnie Darko (again, ONE only please!)
Favourite Cause: Rock The Vote (ONE only - choose from: Rock The Vote/College Summit/ ACLU/ NION/ Future Forests/ Livestrong - from more info about Jake's causes visit here.)
Greatest Achievement: Bafta Win. (please try and keep this answer short)

Section 3: Internet Details

Website preference: Jake Watch (the Jake-related site you visit most often/prefer)
2nd Preference: IHeartJake (ditto)
Frequency: Daily+ (catergories for this question are: daily/weekly/rarely. Daily+ means more than once a day. This can be in relation to how often you surf the internet in regards to Jake, not how many times you visit a certain site.)
Service Type: Broadband (broadband/dialup)

Some guidelines:
1. If you're going to answer the questionaire please complete ALL of it.
2. Keep answers as short as possible.
3. Either answer in the comments section or email. Don't do both!
4. Be precise where you can.
5. Please be 100% sure of you're answers and refrain from amending them or you'll confuse me otherwise, it's easily done. If you desperately want to change something get me or PG to delete your orginal answers so you can start again.
6. If you come across this posted anywhere else there is no need to do it again, just do it in one place.
7. If you have any desperate questions or queries regarding this questionaire, like 'Is it all part of some huge conspiracy?' then PLEASE email me about it, don't clog up the comments section, because this time it'll get deleted to make room for people's answers.

AGENT INITIATION: ROBERT DOWNEY, JR.

Dear Robert Downey, Jr,
I would like to congratulate you on your official initation as a Jake Watch agent. Now that you have made a public oath to Jake, you are a full-fledged member of our organization. I'd like to thank you for all the help you gave us during the filming of Zodiac, and I'm pleased that you found the experience rewarding enough to become a permanent member of our institution.

If you recall, you said the following in reference to Jake Gyllenhaal on the night of October 16, 2006: "And I see him doin’ it, and that’s why I got his back forever” (source). This more than exceeds our requirement for a public oath of lifetime devotion. You also said, "Nobody’s wearing any underwear at table 23," equally important to our cause here at Jake Watch, although in the future, we ask that you assess the sock situation before you move on to undergarments. Beginner's mistake.

You have now joined a small but growing number of celebrities who have devoted their lives to the protection of the Gyllenhaal. Your new status will allow you certain priviledges, such as a laminated cardboard ID badge. You may recall that on the night that you swore permanent allegiance to Jake, I took a picture of you for your ID:
As you can see, we're going to have to redo that. Unfortunately, no one alerted Mr. Gyllenhaal, Sr. as to the severity of the situation and he chose to walk in front of my camera at an inopportune moment. You did well to act naturally and pretend nothing was out of the ordinary. We'll get another picture when you report to Headquarters.

I'd also like to thank you for going out of your way to help us with the recruitment of Lance Armstrong, who has but a few more intense training sessions before he will be asked to make his public pledge to Jake. Lance's ID photo actually turned out worse than yours:
In his defense, though, Lance did inspire us to do a special two-page spread in The Daily Jake Watch called "The Backs of Celebrities." It was magnificent.

So, Robert Downey, Jr. as new Agent, we ask that you report immediately to Peter Sarsgaard, who has already been alerted to your new status. He will fill you in on what's to be expected in the years to come. It's not an easy job and you'll probably die in the line of duty. We look forward to working with you and remember: SOCKS FIRST.

Yours in service to Jake,
PG

Amazing photography from PG's private collection. Please do not reproduce without permission. Bitches.

OH, JAKE!

If you wanted us to buy you a belt for your birthday, you should have just said something! Luckily, we here at Jake Watch are highly skilled at deciphering the coded messages you so cleverly hide for us in paparazzi pictures.

10-4, big guy. But, uh, what are you doing with Ennis's shirt?

Pics from IHJ.