"I would say the end is pretty seriously nigh."

I feel shitty for posting this now, as so many are still reacting to Jake's rather sudden plunge back into the world of Celebrity PDA. The post below is not in reaction to any one thing and has, in fact, been scheduled for this date for nearly 3 months now and was written many days ago. So in spite of, not because of, anything else going on right now, we're posting exactly as we originally intended...

***

Hmmmm. Have you ever wondered what life would be like with no Jake Watch?

Well, we have. And as hard as it is for both us for tell you this, you're going to get the chance to experience a Jake Watch-free existence sooner than you might think. When? Well, we'd rather not say. We don't want this to turn into a big countdown, but instead, we're going to continue posting as usual until our predetermined end date...which is pretty damned soon.

We know this seems sudden, but it's been in the works now for quite a long time. The generic "after Rendition" time period has been kicking around for about 6 months, and the actual date for at least three. The "why?" of it all is very complicated, but perhaps to your surprise, one reason directly involves our biggest undertaking ever...and yes, it is directly related to Jake and Jake Watch. Yes, there have been some rough times and yes, we are by and large completely baffled by what has become of the majority of the fandom lately (Jake Watch readers are naturally excluded from this assessment), but a certain celebrity father once told me, "It's all about learning!" We'll talk more about that in a minute, but that's exactly what this blog has been for us: a learning experience, and one that was never intended to continue indefinitely.

We will keep the forum and the store open, and all the MySpace pages will remain active (like we'd let Jake in '08 go!). The only major change will be that the blog will no longer be updated. Which, OK, is pretty major. But we feel that at this juncture, our time and energy are best spent not writing new posts, but working towards new goals, ones which we plan on sharing with you and ones which will continue to involve the britpopbaby/Prophecy Girl collaboration.

In the interest of full disclosure, we do have a couple of things to share with you...

First of all, our biggest disappointment, by far, is that we never accomplished what this blog was originally created to do, which was to give us some semblance of professional credibility, ultimately with the goal of interviewing Jake. We tried very, very hard for you guys, through every avenue we could think of. We went from being to ignored to being rejected (harshly) to being ignored again, with a lot of other being ignored's in between. That was supposed to be our "thank you" for your support over the months and the fact that we never got even remotely close has been disappointing to the point of discouraging. In fact, originally, Jake Watch was going to exist only until we got an interview, but unfortunately, over time, it became clear that our efforts in that arena were going to be fruitless no matter what our methods. So there's that hanging over us, and also the "Jakes and Ladders" board game which, after two months, we just couldn't seem to finish.

Secondly, I, personally, need to address the poetry reading incident because I know there is still some confusion and tension surrounding that. Contrary to popular belief, I did get over it. I made peace with the fact that I was an idiot/misinformed going into the situation and was an idiot/comatose while standing there and listening to stuff that I should have protested against. But I moved on and accepted that I couldn't change what happened. However. Just when I thought things were over....I received an e-mail from Stephen about a month ago regarding that night. Yes, it shocked the hell out of me, too. Despite the fact that it came 11 months late, it was obviously heartfelt and so I wrote him a very genuine thank you e-mail and requested his permission to share with you what he had written to me (considering "asking for permission" is what started this whole mess, I wanted to cover my bases). He did not write me back. And for that reason, I cannot tell you that he thanked us for Ramona's gift and promised to tell Maggie, Peter, and Ramona about it and also apologized for his behavior the night of the reading even though he admittedly had no recollection of what happened. So...you didn't hear that from me.

So once again, I'd like to put that behind us. Jake Watch has been a full education, for both of us, on so many levels, and we are better people for it. When britpopbaby started this site 19 months ago, the concept of a blog devoted to a single celebrity was virtually unheard of. Now, blogs about Jake alone are a dime a dozen. I don't say that to negate the value of these other blogs (there are some great ones out there!), but rather to say that we recognize that we've done what we needed to within this medium for the time being. No matter what came before or comes after us, we can both be proud of the fact that there has never been anything even remotely like this site for any other celebrity. I am not even lying when I say that I am frequently stunned by our combined creative output. I don't care how self-congratulatory that makes me sound. Most people who get paid to be creative don't churn out stuff at the volume we have. But we never intended to continue at that rate forever.

So that's it. You'll know the final post when you see it. Considering it'll be 2009 before Jake's next movie, you could always start at the beginning of Jake Watch and read the year away. Who knows? We might be back. ;)

We'd also like to stress that this isn't really the end of anything, but more like a chance for us to take a new direction. We're not abandoning ship; we're growing.

We would also like to thank you for reading and supporting us all this time. We appreciate each and every person (OK, most each and every person) who came to see what we had to offer and we certainly appreciate, more than we can say, those of you who have become regular readers.

I know "thank you" doesn't exactly equal an interview with Jake, but you know what? Looking back at what we've accomplished, I think we made it alright without him. :)

Post title from Buffy the Vampire Slayer, episode "Prophecy Girl." In case you were wondering...

Purposeful Diversionary Tactic

Look! Over there!
It's a Jake interview that we missed in all the commotion! Diversion is a method that Jake is good at, as witnessed by the fact that he responded, "I'd really like to direct someday" to the question, "What turns you on?"

In other news, I would like to congratulate our very own Xenia for braving the freezing weather and witnessing the spectacle that is Jake Gyllenhaal on the red carpet in Rome over the weekend. Good job, Xenia! You can read her exclusive-for-Jake-Watch account in the forum.

And lastly, if you don't know why I'm diverting your attention, you can check that out in the forum as well. Just remember, we did cover this with a disaster plan earlier in the year. We're always prepared. Like the Girl Scouts! Except we're older...and less organized...and some of us are boys.

Picture from Instituto de Hermeneutica Juridica.

Quote of the Week: Make It A Double

"We just did 'Into the Woods' at the family reunion. Peter [Sarsgaard] played the wolf, and I played Little Red Riding Hood. It's always really intense but really moving. . . . We all cry at the end. When we sang that number, 'No One Is Alone,' it really got me. 'Cause Peter has a beautiful voice -- I don't know if you know that about him."

- Jake "He's such a kidder!" Gyllenhaal
source

Quote of the Week Runner-Up:

“You look like a nice mint chocolate chip cookie.”
source

I would like to point out that the interviewer's reaction to Jake complimenting (?) her so was to blush like a schoolgirl and lose her train of thought. Does no one survive the Gyllenhaal interview process without succumbing to his charm?! For God's sake, he called her a cookie!


Also, the moon project is ON.

"Something about Gyllenhaal's intense yet dreamy and deadpan stare suits him to playing mentally disturbed characters"

I did not make up that headline, but in fact stole it verbatim from this article, which came with it's own intense-yet-dreamy-and-deadpan-stare Jake picture:

Speaking of food (which we weren't), it's time for the annual ACLU of Southern California Auction! It seems like only 13 months ago that a day with Jake Gyllenhaal was bought by a person in Hong Kong...who couldn't swing it so someone else got Jake on the cheap and then we never heard anything more about it. Clearly scarred by the experience, this year Jake is only offering himself up for dinner. Or maybe it's not dinner, since the actual wording is "dine w/Jake Gyllenhaal" and by my count, that leaves open at least two other meal possibilities. I know what you all are thinking and no, I am not too proud to accept anonymous bids on my behalf. Even if it winds up being lunch.

And lastly, I am genuinely disappointed to report that Rendition is on track to have an even more dismal opening weekend box office showing than Zodiac. Let's just hope Jake's having too much fun with Xenia in Rome to be reading the overnight numbers...

Thank you heddaparsons for the ACLU tip!

So, got any plans this weekend?

Perhaps you'll go see a movie?
Have fun! Come back and tell me how much you disagree with the review I wrote a month ago. (Although in my defense, Newsweek agreed with me.)

And for those who have not yet seen the already-infamous Ellen interview, here you go (I'm sure the rest of you wouldn't mind watching it again anyway):

Jake Gyllenhaal - Ellen (10.18.07)
Uploaded by Orlandita02

Vid from...of course! IHJ.

Wren Fish Vomiting On...I Don't Get It

Jake was on This Morning, er, This Morning. I didn't watch it, because I have a job.

I also didn't watch it because Alison Hammond makes me want to gouge my eyes out with forks. Nothing personal. I just don't appreciate how someone off Big MUTHAFUCKING Brother gets a career interviewing Hollywood stars. Like I said, nowt personal. At least they didn't talk about baseball.

Excuse me now, I'm going to eat a Dib Dab. And I need both hands.

Remember that time that Jake hosted The Daily Show?

Probably not, because it never happened, although my backlog of Photoshop files does suggest otherwise:
Before we get started, I need to give a SERIOUS shout out to Danielle of the Sarsgaard Soiree and Nicole of this post who met Jake today as he was going into his taping of "The Daily Show." They stuck around to see him after the taping, too, and Jake noticed, telling Nicole she was "a good fan" for waiting. I'm going to overlook the soul-crushing bitterness that comes from Jake having never said such a thing to me (ahem) and say good job girls! I'm not the least bit jealous. Here is the fabulous video (thank you Danielle!!):


And so tonight marks the third and final live-blogging experience in the Rendition Publicity Blitz, referred to in some circles as "Jake Week." We don't refer to it as such in our circle because on Jake Watch, every week is Jake Week. This week is just a week where our posts come later in the day than other weeks.

Three hours to go!

Two hours and forty-five minutes later: An announcer tells us to stay tuned because "Jon picks up what Jake Gyllenhaal puts down." I can't even begin to guess what that means.

10:00 - Yes! A show that starts at a semi-reasonable hour! This week has taught me how grateful I am that I don't live in the Eastern time zone.

10:01 - After mentioning Stephen Colbert's Presidential campaign, Jon promises to ask Jake if he's ever "sucked a fuck." He mentions Donnie Darko chatrooms (what?) but not Jake Watch OR JAKE'S BID FOR THE PRESIDENCY!! Son of a BITCH. We're going to come up empty on this aren't we? The opening was RIGHT THERE!

10:06 - An R. Kelly impersonator sings a song about Senator Larry Craig, leading me to believe this is going to be a stranger than usual Daily Show.

10:20 - The pie chart scene. I think I could recite this scene from memory at this point.

10:21 - At long last! And thanks to the video above, you already know what Jake is wearing!

10:21 - Jake and Jon "woo!" at each other. Jake calls The Daily Show "the rock show of talk shows" and then they do monster truck announcer impersonations together.

10:21 - More Red Sox talk. Did I mention my lack of baseball knowledge (*cough*interest*cough*)?

10:22 - Jake cracks a Giuliani joke. (Ooh, political!)

10:22 - Jake says "Gyllenhaal in the Green Monster" and I'll let the context of that slide for the moment.

10:24 - Jake and Jon discuss their sporting challenge (continuing from Jake's previous visit to the show). Jon calls Jake "virile" and a woman in the audience calls Jon "decrepit." Snort.

10:25 - Jake calls Meryl Streep a bitch. HA! He then says "She's a hot bitch."

10:25 - Jake concedes that Meryl's discussion of the film makes it unnecessary for him to talk about it. As I said in my post yesterday. So where is the campaign talk?!

10:28 - More focus on the Colbert Presidential campaign.

And then it's done and all of those wonderful opportunities to plug Jake in '08 are suddenly gone. And Jon never asked about Jake sucking a fuck. And I still don't know what the announcer was referring to in the promo before the show (unless it was just generic announcer talk). I officially give up! I'm also officially going to bed. Good night!


Daily Show vid from Comedy Central.

Jake Gyllenhaal on Conan O'Brien (bitches!)

After perusing the Google searches that led people to Jake Watch over the past 24 hours, I decided to make the title of this post as Google-accessible as possible for the searchers of the next 24 hours. The "bitches" part was added for a little Jake Watch flavor, lest some unsuspecting soul overlook Jake Monroe in the header and think we have journalistic credibility (God forbid).

And the picture of Jake has nothing to do with anything (it's from yesterday) although, to me, he totally looks like investment banker but the time crunch (less than three hours to go!) made it impossible for me to Photoshop him onto a pile of money and/or give him some large bling, perhaps in the shape of a dollar sign, in time for this post. I mean, I could easily do it in three hours, but then this post would be delayed and you'd be forced to go someplace else for your pre-Conan chatter. Someplace that didn't greet you with the word "bitches."

Obviously, the excitement (i.e. lack of sleep) from yesterday's Letterman appearance has dulled my cognitive abilities, which is why I'm writing random paragraphs about investment banking in a post devoted to Conan O'Brien. I shudder to think what that will mean for tomorrow's Daily Show live-blog; it might just be crazy enough to resemble something that came out of Jake's mouth. Ha! Just kidding. Sort of. OK, seriously, I should try to take a nap or something. Someone wake me up when it's 11:35.

Hours later...

Fun factoid: One year ago yesterday, I toured NBC Studios and stood inside Conan's studio. One year ago today, I was in the audience of "The Daily Show." It's like Jake just lives his life 364 days behind me.

OK, and can I point out that Stephen Colbert was on "The Daily Show" tonight considering a Presidential run. Goddammit, Stewart, if you can do it for Colbert, you can do it for Jake! Ignoring Jake in '08 at this point is basically criminal. Especially since Meryl was on tonight promoting Rendition and she's already explained the movie (so Jake doesn't have to!). With the movie out of the way, the campaign is just the obvious conversation topic. Speaking of which...

Back on topic.

11:08 - Conan promo. I can't even accurately describe Jake's behavior except to say, "Oh my God!" (That will make sense later.)

11:35 - I have the time wrong again? Why the hell do these shows start at such weird times?!

11:37 - Now we're in business.

11:37 - Ghostland Observatory gets more high-pitched squeals than Jake. I have no idea who this band is, but I'm sure they don't deserve more squealing than Jake.

11:41 - Conan describes Jake as "a big star." I'd say that's a step up from the standard "fine, young actor" he's gotten on every other show this week.

11:54 - Jake's pre-commercial introduction is made by the building's fire safety director. That's gotta be a first.

11:58 - It's Jake! Tie-less.

11:58 - Beard talk. Which gets almost as much squealing as Ghostland Observatory. Facial hair is exciting, apparently.

11:59 - Conan sniffs Jake's beard, fulfilling the fantasy of every reader of this blog.

11:59 - Jake's a Red Sox fan and discusses a game he went to recently (with fans more fan-like than he is). "Green Monster?" I know nothing of baseball. And am showing it now.

12:01 - Oh, and we get the clip from the commercial! It was over a baseball.

12:02 - The baseball story has morphed into the phantom baseball story.

12:03 - "I like Japan 'cause everybody thinks I'm funny there." Jake follows this statement with an imitation of a Japanese laugh which is only slightly more realistic than his imitation of a drunk British woman.

12:03 - Jake didn't work for six months, an experience he likens to "Crazy" by Gnarls Barkley. He then sings "Crazy" with Conan. And it's crazy.

12:05 - Rendition talk.

12:06 - "My first torture" scene.

12:07 - Jake says (again) he did the movie for that line.

And it's over! So fast! I can't fault Conan for not mentioning the campaign/album because he had no e-mail address for us to write him. Although I can't believe he didn't wear the "I'm stalking Jake!" button we mailed him last March. Seriously. We get no love.



Pic and vid stolen from IHJ.

The Wheelie Bin Ate My Homework

Some people like to read their movie reviews in The Times, The Guardian or hell, even The Daily Mail (oh my god, did I actually try and make a British tabsheet newspaper gag? Yes! Yes I did!). Not me. I like to get my movie reviews from shallow red top weekly magazines that headline with titles like, "Posh's Life Falls Apart And Her Skin Looks Like Crap And She Is Wearing Crazy Shoes!". So imagine the thrill I got today when I went to pick up one of my favourite aforementioned mags, Heat, and stumbled upon a review for Rendition starring our very own, Bob Gunton.

Now, I was going to post the review here but at some point during the time I left my car and entered my house (distance: approx 2 feet), I managed to recycle said review. Jake would be proud as that officially makes me more enviromentally friendly than him. But here's what I remember:

There was a picture of Jake. They gave the movie 3 stars (out of 5). They said Jake's character was underwritten and he couldn't do much with it. They said Meryl Streep's character was nought but a pantomine villian, thus immediately making my brain jump to Cruella De Vil where upon it shall stay for some months and will inevitably ruin the movie for me as I vainly try to bat away images of dalmations, cockneys and long cigarettes.

What more do you want? Don't say we never provide you with in depth, thought-provoking actual career-related Gyllenfodder.

SHOWDOWN: Tonight on Letterman

My money's on the white guy.

Is it 10:30, yet?

10:26 - TV Announcer: "Dave's all new tonight with Jake Gyllenhaal and 50 Cent!" As if the magazine cover wasn't advertisement enough.

10:30 - What? The news is still on? Damn, I always forget these late night shows start at 10:35. My bedtime was 30 minutes ago.

10:35 - Ooh, the Lotto 5 drawing! I'm still poor.

OK, here we go!

10:36 - Jake's the headliner; the audience sounds appropriately enthused. And ouch, Fiddy.

10:44 - Dave brings up the 2008 Presidential race...but fails to mention Jake. What. The. Hell.

10:47 - Dave mentions Fiddy (who does not want to be called "Fiddy") before Jake when announcing his guests. As consolation, Dave refers to Jake as a "fine, young actor" and then immediately goes to commercial break.

11:10 - Jake appears, looking dapper as usual.

11:11 - Jakes tells a story about a nightcap in a drawing room (what? these are not words Americans use!) and a woman who's "shit-faced" (now there's an American term). Ha! Jake got bleeped.

11:12 - The story is still being told. It's a long story and Jake does many, many impressions of a drunk, British woman which is pretty much the best thing I've ever seen him do. The punchline of the story is: "You look like Jake Gooberballs." To explain the rest of it would take paragraphs, although apparently such phonetic mangling is the key to his heart.

11:14 - Dave brings up the family. They always seem to pop up when Jake's on Letterman. Jake talks about how Stephen used to make his Halloween costumes (Oreo cookie, Crest toothpaste tube) although his favorite seems to be the time he was a house (?). There was a battery pack involved. Jake describes it as "amazing and traumatic."

11:15 - We get to Rendition. Dave likes.

11:17 - The obligatory clip. Jake quotes Shakespeare and speaks of a love of pie charts.

And then it's over! Yet another failure for the Jake Watch E-mail Campaign. Dammit. Also, that seemed way fast. It took me longer to correct my typos than to watch the interview. OK, that's a slight exaggeration. More tomorrow!



Video courtesy of JustJared!

Quickie

1. There are more Jake interviews and articles popping up right now than we can possibly keep up with (it confuses us when there is more than one news item per month). Therefore, we remind you to keep checking the forum, which is actually easier on the eyes now since the "image does not exist" thingies are finally gone.

2. For you subjects of the Queen, Odeon cinemas are having FREE screenings of Rendition this Thursday at 6:00 pm. Call your local cinema for locations/availability.

3. Jake in a scarf:
4. Yes, there will be a blog about Jake on David Letterman before the clock strikes midnight (maybe not on the East Coast).

Thank you, Joyce Davenport, for the Odeon tip! Pic from IHJ.

Friday Night with Jonathan Ross With Guest Star Jake Gyllenhaal As Live-Blogged By britpopbaby Exclusively for Jake Watch

Pre-amble.

Huzzah! Jake has arrived in London; city of cities and questionable Olympic infrastructure spenditure. And thank god he did arrive as it's kind of essential to tonight's post. Nice to see him still using public transport as opposed to propelling himself across the Atlantic on the gusts of his own ego and a flock of underprivileged children as I hear Brangelina like to do.

Pictured above is Jake arriving at Thiefrow (I wonder whose luggage he came away with?). Also pictured is his date that he took to the LA Rendition premiere. I mean, I'm not one for gossip but surely international travel and a red carpet renedvouz in the same week leaves little room for speculation, no?

Well, it's now just two hours until Jake airs himself on BBC1. The other guests include Peter Andre & Jordan who are famous for being orange and tacky, and Jools Holland who was kind of cool in the 80s. And I apologise in advance, as Ambassador of Anglo-Gyllenhaal Relations, for everything Jonathan Ross says. Excited?

Lets rumble...

22.33: Fiona Bruce informs me I can now watch Newsnight over on BBC2. I'm good, thanks.

22.37: Roll credits. I will warn you, Jonathan Ross's studio looks like a crack den for autistic children.

22.38: YES!!!! The Poofs have Jake on their t-shirts!

22.40: Green room. Jake is in there, thank god. Ross makes first Brokeback Mountain jibe. Ass. Jake doesn't really find it that funny. Fortunately we all quickly move on...unfortunately to Jordan and Peter Andre.

22.46: Jake enters, stage left. The Poofs sing Jake the Peg. Inappropiate somehow.

22.47: As soon as Jake sits down Jonathan compliments him on his "manly beard."

22.48: Jonathan asks Jake about his carbon footprint and how being an international jetsetter might impact quite heavily on that. Jake says, "I swam here." Then says he has to go because he needs to swim back.

22.49: Jake adds, "I would swim the Atlantic for the enviroment." I somehow don't believe him.

22.50: Jake says he likes The Poofs t-shirts. Which have his face on them.

22.51: Talks moves on to Brokeback Mountain and Jake says he thinks Jonathan might be gay. Then we are treated to the golden nugget of info that Clint Eastwood has never told Jake what he thinks of Brokeback Mountain.

22.52: Jake is now miming swimming the Atlantic whilst laughing.

22.53: Clip of CITY SLICKERS! Yeah, bitches!

22.53: Quick discussion about whether City Slickers could be considered child abuse.

22.54: Jake states that shoulder popping is erotic.

22.55: We move onto some serious talk about Rendition before Jake randomly asks of Jonathon, "Weren't you offered Meryl Streep's part?"

22.56: Clip of Rendition is shown and as we cut back I swear I hear Jake tell Jonathan he's disappointed that his suit wasn't more colourful.

22.57: Jake says he found food in Marakesh "intense" before going on to say it was mostly rice and cous cous. Jonathan then asks about airplane food and Jake says he wouldn't know because he swims everywhere.

22.58: Jonathan calls Maggie a "hot patootie". Jake is confused.

22. 59: Jonathan asks Jake about his love life on behalf of the ladies and the band. Jake says he's single for the ladies but not for the band. They look a little put out.

23.00: Jake leaves. No mention of Presidential campaign. Fuck you, Ross.



23.15: Jake looks bemusedly at Jordan and Peter Andre as they walk past him in the Green Room.

23.19: I hope Jake brought a pack of cards with him so he doesn't have to watch these four tits.

23.20: (Retraction) Jake just laughed at Jordan's joke. I'm sorry, I now have to jump out a window.

23.22: Jake eagerly offers to be a witness to the fact that Peter Andre just offered Jonathan a "go on his wife." Did you think it would be the BBC that brought out the lewd in sweet, sweet Jake?

23.23: Jake laughs heartily at Jordan's statement that she'd "finish [Jonathan] off quickly." Oh god, WHAT HAPPENED HERE?

23.30: Jake is shocked by Jordan trash-talking Posh S[ice. Obviously a big fan.

23.32: Jake is entertained by Jonathan's talk of a "family wank".

23.35: It's all over. I feel dirty. I hope Jake does too. At least he has that swim home to cleanse himself.

Sometimes...

...we are blindsided by such a mind-blowing avalanche of Jake pictures, such an overwhelming visual cornucopia, such a devastatingly numbing array of new information, that we sit, shell-shocked, and let emotion after emotion wash over us in light of that which is too much for our minds to compute. And then we know, we know, what it is like to be Jake Gyllenhaal.

And in news that is every bit as emotionally stirring, Jake was able to find his car in a parking lot earlier today.
Just kidding. Well, I mean, he found his car (I guess) and it was actually yesterday but that wasn't the news. The news is that while everyone already knows that tomorrow marks the first airing of "Friday Night with Jonathan Ross With Guest Star Jake Gyllenhaal" what you did not know is that tomorrow is also the premiere of "Friday Night with Jonathan Ross With Guest Star Jake Gyllenhaal As Live-Blogged By britpopbaby Exclusively for Jake Watch."

And that's way more exciting than a parking lot.

Pics from someone else's Jake site.

Jake To Star In "October Sky 2: Homer Colonizes the Moon"

Jake, my friend, I can't help but wonder just what the hell you are doing. According to Variety, you are set to star in a film in which, "Actioner (sic) revolves around a private expedition to the moon and the race for lunar colonization." Seriously. Who edits Variety?

The article then proceeds through a confusing list of other people who have been, are, and/or will be associated with this movie, but only those in a behind-the-scenes capacity (which is worthless for speculating on your possible on-set hookups). That this film has been "fast-tracked" is incongruously reported one sentence before it is announced that you're doing another film first. Again, who edits Variety? And Jake, why am I reading about you being in a movie in a magazine that can't even work up a good announcement about you being in a movie?

But more importantly, why am I reading about this at all? Dude! Perhaps the sands of time have dulled your memory, but there is a perfectly good script waiting for you on some LiveJournal! And what about your album? Priorities, pal! Do you think it's easy to schedule studio time with Timbaland? How about the time that I, personally, have spent with Kanye West, writing lyrics for you:

"The Civil War, yeeah, yeeah. 1861, bitches! To 1865!

Yeah, Lincoln was the pimp, he was a crunk-ass fool,
He thought the South was op'rating by some effed-up rules.
In the blue was the U to the N-I-O-N,
'Four score,' Abe shouted, bitches knew they's gonna win
Against the grey, CSA, the Confederate Staters,
Packed some muzzle-loadin' muskets and put a cap in them haters."

And so on. That has "Grammy" written all over it! OK, I'll admit it. Kayne wrote most of that.

And what about the campaign, Jake? It's all me and brits right now beating down the Presidential trail...and only one of us can vote in the United States. Some people are (dare I say it) starting to think we're making this up. And by "this" I mean, like, all of these outside projects (thank God the French believe!). You're killing us here. By "taking on" these "movie roles," you're make us look like liars. Basically, Jake Watch can't afford for you to keep up this illusion that you're a movie star.

So the movie is out...but colonizing the moon is in. That's your next project. We'll put it on the back burner for now, but if anyone can do it, brits and I can, and then we'll give you credit for it. And be thankful we got you out of that film because dude. We're hoping that the poorly-written Variety article just did a craptastic job of explaining the plot...or else we might be forced to make fun of it. Just a little. Although you would no doubt pull it off effortlessly like you always do. As usual, it is your circumstances, and not you, that we find humor in.

Note to Readers: As with any Jake movie rumor, this rumor has a probability of being between 40% and 75% false, with a margin of error plus or minus 35%. As with any Jake Watch news, anything non-movie related in this entry is 100% true. Always.

Pic from Moon Colonizers of North America.

Quote of the Week: Donkey Edition

"What do they say, the elephant and the donkey, right? Then Emily Dickinson says that hope is a thing with feathers. The elephant nor a donkey has feathers."

- Jake "I See Beyond Political Stereotypes" Gyllenhaal

(As Gavin Hood responded, "That's way deep.")

While the Quote of the Week was uttered during a press conference for Rendition, Jake was, of course, actually referring to his newest campaign poster and the launch of his campaign slogan:


Quote source: A Transcript of Interest; a slightly more in-depth analysis of Emily Dickinson HERE.

Also, if you were putting off your pleading e-mail to Jonathan Ross (jonathan.ross@bbc.co.uk), then we suggesting not putting it off any longer and immediately starting your pleading. And then repeating your pleading throughout the week. And interspersing the pleading with pleading to other people as the need to plead arises. Thank you.

Gyllenhaal Tries To Appeal To The Gun-Toting and Elephant Humping Masses

America is a nation clearly divided. Any successful candidate needs to learn to diplomatically straddle the gaping er, gap, between liberal and conservative politics. But how does Jake Gyllenhaal, raging Democrat, attempt to persuade the red states that he loves oil slicks and stirrups as much as the next Bush? With the cunning application of an oral matchstick!! Oh, baby. THIS is the kind of thinking that sets you apart from the other donkeys in the crowd.

Gyllenhaal's previous strolls into 'cowboy terrority' probably did little to win over the more ardent Republican voter, but this matchstick move harks back to the heyday of the macho man, inspired by Clint Eastwood in such films as A Fistful Of Dollars, The Good, The Bad and The Ugly and Two Mules For Sister Sara.

Political commentator, Eddie Izzard, had this to say;

"The matchstick in the corner of the mouth is the eptiome of masculine cool, reminiscent of James Dean. If Jake continues with such mind-blowing political manoeuvres, he will surely win. He must be careful though as one can get too carried away and if he were to stick another matchstick in the opposite corner of his mouth he would look like a dickhead."

Images from IHJ.com, apart from Clint, who came here of his own accord.

Ask not what Jake Watch can do for you...

...ask what you can do for Jake Watch.

Walk with me, Jake Watch.
Do you see what I have done for you? I have recycled the somewhat (OK, completely) ridiculous schedule that I created for Jake's Zodiac press appearances to make life easier for you and your TiVo:

I have no idea why the PG From Seven Months Ago felt it necessary to put Jake's picture on a schedule that was addressed to him. Perhaps I thought he'd forgotten what he looked like? Regardless, the tradition continues.

(Also, I have a feeling I'll have to update this before it's all over. Dammit.)

So see? Wasn't that nice of me? With the schedule and all? Don't you want to do something for Jake Watch in return? Of course you do.

WRITE THESE PEOPLE!

Jonathan Ross: jonathan.ross@bbc.co.uk

David Letterman: cbsmailbag@aol.com

Jon Stewart: thedailyshow@comedycentral.com

Ellen DeGeneres: Fill out this form.

Or visit the websites of any of the other shows that Jake is going to be on and write in. Tell them you want Jake to be asked about Jake in '08...or his Civil War album. Tell them we're offering free buttons to people who ask him such things. Tell them ANYTHING YOU WANT...as long as it involves Jake Watch and/or Jake in '08 and/or the Civil War album.

Three things:

1. It's going to be two-thousand-and-fucking-nine before Jake's next confirmed movie (i.e. if you're waiting for the opportune moment, this is it).

2. It takes, like, 2 seconds to write an e-mail.

3. Stewart has a rival Presidential campaign, which makes him an easy target.

Do you feel inspired yet? Good. Use that in your e-mail.

OK, that is all.

Pics from IHJ.

Christian Bale Has More Fans Than Jake

Or at least that's how I'm rationalizing that Christian currently has 10% more of the popular vote than Jake in Entertainment Weekly's riveting Ultimate Male Hottie, 90's to Today Poll (rolls right off the tongue). The poll currently shows Jake as 6th behind Bale, Wentworth Miller, Clive Owen, George Clooney, and Johnny Depp.* Jake's "Ultimate Hottie Moment" (as chosen by EW): "Shaving in a car's side-view mirror, moments before meeting his soon-to-be-lover Heath Ledger in 2005's Academy Award-winning Brokeback Mountain." Seriously? Everything that happened in that movie and they chose the shaving scene?

The Competition:

Christian Bale, who is not releasing an album.

Wentworth Miller, who is not running for President.

Clive Owen, who does not look like Mahmoud Ahmadinejad.

George Clooney, who does not have an attractive m-shaped hairline.

Johnny Depp, whom it is not possible to find an unflattering picture of (so Willy Wonka will have to do).

True, there are millions of polls every day of the week in which Jake loses (though not usually to Went!) and true, we here at Jake Watch almost always ignore them on account of online polling being subjective and lame on so many levels, but let's face it. When Jake Watch is the source of the news, the news must be pretty damned slow. Ergo, we're covering polling. Just consider it practice for the long months ahead of reporting political polls.

Closer in our future? The Rendition Publicity Blitz! Check back for more appearances, but as far as we know, Jake will be on David Letterman October 15th, Live with Regis and Kelly AND Conan O'Brien October 16th and The Daily Show with Jon Stewart on October 17th (*live blogging alert*). He'll also be entertaining the Brits with Jonathan Ross on October 12th (as previously reported), and is scheduled to appear at the Rome Film Festival on October 21st.

Jake Watch is offering an "I'm stalking Jake!" button FREE OF CHARGE to anyone who asks Jake about his new album and/or his Presidential campaign. Dave, Regis, and Jonathan, that includes you. We'll even pay for shipping. Stewart and O'Brien, I realize you already have buttons, but who wouldn't want one more?

*OK, so in the three hours that this post was sitting completed but not published, Depp dropped down the list and Jake moved up to 5th. Such are the complications of writing on such dynamic subject matter!

Jake Watch Exclusive: More Info on The Gyllenhaal's Album

It seems that there are those out there amongst the interwebs who think that the story we ran last week about Jake releasing an album was false. Oh, naysayers of little faith, I guess you did not realize that we are Jake Watch and Jake Watch knows all. As if we'd ever lead you astray! While there is no official release date set, we did get our hands on an early prototype of the press kit (we're connected), and here's what we found inside...


What an album cover...check out the tiny Abraham Lincoln!

A full song list wasn't available, but we can confirm that Jake will be covering:

- "Comrades, I Am Dying!" (1864) Dance remix being consider by Tiesto (we haven't been able to confirm).

- "The New Emancipation Song" (1864) Produced by Timbaland.

- "Brave Boys Are They!" (1861) Produced by Timbaland.

- "Ashokan Farewell" (1982) New spoken word section composed by Kanye West (confirmed).

- "Battle Hymn of the Republic" (1861) Guest vocalist MIMS (glory, glory, hallelujah, muthafucka!).

We can also confirm that the album notes are being composed by Ken Burns. Burns has been friends with the Gyllenhaals ever since an 8-year-old Jake dug up a piece of scrap metal in his yard and mistook it for a Confederate bullet. Burns made a personal visit to the family home to explain the Mason-Dixon line, instilling in Jake a lifelong interest in 19th century muskets.

Though Jake has not spoken much about his motivation, he did exclusively tell Jake Watch that he hoped this project would revive the traditional war ballads he has always held dear to his heart. While the use of modern hip-hop artists to accentuate an acoustic album of songs written during America's Civil War may seem a little unorthodox, insiders are already buzzing that the unique approach just might make Gyllenhaal the next big name in music.

Thanks to nice anon for the tip on Burns.

Weekend Update

In case you missed it (I did)...

Jake had a brief cameo on the season premiere of SNL last night. You can watch the video HERE and/or download it for your personal use from Team IHJ (of course). All this brings to light the question: does Jake's resemblance to Mahmoud Ahmadinejad make him more suitable than other Presidential candidates to diplomatically handle the threat of nuclear war with Iran? In addition, will the picture below make Jake more accessible to disenfranchised voters?
True, his cameo was nothing more than a political ploy on Gyllenhaal's part, but one expertly executed and sure to have long-term results over the next year of campaigning. I'll bet the other candidates are wishing they looked like Ahmadinejad about now...

Also, not to worry, the release of Jake's first album ("Jake Sings The Civil War: An Acoustic Collection") will not interfere with his political schedule. I say this to assure those other online communities who have recently shown interest in Jake's musical career.

Thanks to PG's friend Melissa for watching SNL last night!