FINALLY!

All European fans finally catch Jake in action this weekend as his new film opens on May 4th. I, personally, am so excited. I feel like I've been waiting for this film since 2004. It'll be so good to see our man in a, y'know, darker role and seeing Jake do all the press for it just recently has driven my anticipation levels up to, like, 10, ha no,...11!

Oh wait,no... Dang! I always get those two mixed up.

WHAT IS THIS?

I showed up to South Carolina last night with my notecards in hand, ready for our very own Presidential candidate to show his stuff in the candidate's debate when I realized that someone was missing. Who was it? Oh, right. Jake. And where was Master Gyllenhaal?

BRILLIANT! Everyone knows that kissing hands and shaking babies is the number one way to win over the public! Glad to see Jake is truly on board for the Presidential race, looking appropriately collegiate and family friendly. Victory is inevitable. So who wants to contact Robert Downey, Jr. about the VP gig?

More at IHJ.

OMG, I HAVE THE BEST IDEA EVER!

Dear Jake,
So how are you? Besides sad that I rarely write posts to you in letter form anymore? I know. But we've been so busy lately debating the merits of your enviously large pool of assumed sexual partners that you've sort of been put on the back burner of late. Sorry about that. If it's any consolation, I'm of the mindset that if it's not me, I can't be bothered.

Anyway, I was sitting around reading a copy of The Guardian, which britpopbaby dutifully air-mails to me once a week on the off-chance that there's an interview with you inside, when lo and behold! There was an interview with you inside! I was particularly interested to see that, being the kindred, mid-twenties, lefty, opinionated spirits that we are, we shared a similar idealogical confusion over Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton. Which one is more in tune with our political views? Which one should we give $20 to (your campaign contribution will possibly have more zeros than mine)? Which one is more likely to make Stephen Colbert's Threatdown?

So I'm sitting there thinking, 'hey, I know Jake's from California where they're all "progressive" and shit, but those of us from the South know an uphill political battle when we see one. What we need is a Democratic candidate who is so utterly wholesome and baggage-free that the American people will literally run to the polls just for the opportunity to vote for this person.'

What we need is Jake Gyllenhaal. President Jake Gyllenhaal. (Sample campaign poster below.)


I see only one minor flaw in this scenario and that is that you are not technically eligible to be President. According to lawkids.org, the President must be a) a natural-born citizen; b) at least 35 years of age; and c) have lived in the U.S. for at least 14 years. It's that second qualification that might prove difficult. This is where your acting skills and a professional make-up team come into play. We know from Brokeback Mountain that you can be aged to look up to 39 years of age, years beyond the required minimum. Hey, I'd totally be willing to vouch that you were born sometime in the early 1970's. I'm known some circles to be at least semi-trustworthy. Look, if you don't tell, I won't tell. I really don't think we should let the Constitution slow us down on this one.

I'm so sure that you're going to agree to this plan that I've not only coined your slogan ("Jake in 'o8!") but I've also made up a bumper-sticker-ready logo:
In addition, I've preemptively appointed myself as your Chief of Staff for when the day comes. I figure britpopbaby can be your speechwriter and head up the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, and Firearms so that she can immediately rid the world of the latter two. I've also decided your campaign song should be "This Is Why I'm Hot" by Mims because you told everyone you wrote it that one time you were on MTV. Excellent campaign move. The younger voters will love a gangsta President.

Any objections? Didn't think so. The first Democratic candidate debate is tonight in South Carolina, but don't worry! I've already signed you up and made out some notecards on the more important issues. See you tonight. Over and out!

Prophecy Girl
White House Chief of Staff (what? too soon?)

P.S. If you're interested in other exercises in democracy, try polling HERE (San-Fucking-Jaya?! Come on!) and petitioning HERE (seriously, if you haven't signed this yet, you should be ashamed of yourself...and then you should sign it).
P.P.S. Hey, McGraw-Hill. If you want me to write a book on U.S. Government, you just say the word. I'd be all over that bitch.

BLATANT STALKING #10

I was loving this. Dude, LOVING IT. I had the special Jake Watch gold plated cheque book and pen on stand-by. How could it go wrong? So original and yet, so obvious. The slogan t-shirt, the 'Urban Steve Irwin' hat, the unassuming Crocs with socks and oh god, the finishing touch, a leaflet! Jake thinks you're just wild about public interest issues - why else would you be loitering in a car lot, waiting to pounce, in cargo jeans? Erm, maybe because you are a BLATANT STALKER, sunshine! What gave it away? Perhaps the fact you've shoved your crotch into Jake's rear bumper?

Aiming for the collective Gyllenhaal weakspot that is political activism was inspired but like so many before you, you tumbled spectacularly at the final hurdle. For shame. Now you must be archived as an 'also ran'.

FOR THE LOVE OF BOO! WHAT HAPPENED?

He got eaten by a labrador!!!!!!!!!!!!!

JESUS!

[source]

UPDATE: FYI! About a billion and seven more pictures from this set have shown up on IHJ, all blissfully lacking Perez's artistic doodles.

ANOTHER UPDATE! Due to an 'anonymous' tip-off in the comments the BooGate mystery deepens! Was Boo spotted with Z-list celebrites at some showbiz dog shindig, these sorts of people like to attend? Or is there more than one puggle in LA! I can't take this much longer!!!!

Look, I've been hardpressed in my times to believe some of the rumours that float around the Gyllenhaalic circles but the idea that Boo is somehow 'gone'? No, like Kirsten Dunst's sex appeal before it, I ain't buying it. He is still with us!

AND SO THE GENTLE PROD OF PUBLICITY BEGINS

European-style! No hilarious TV chat shows or GQ front covers for us, oh no, modest interviews in left-wing newspaper Saturday supplements is the name of the game here.

Thanks to Katie in the forum for posting these up but in case for some reason, best kept to yourself, you don't visit the forum, here are the scans from The Guardian's interview with Jake. I warn you now, there is a disappointing lack of Gyllenbabble.

Also, no mention of Boo. And due to our extensive network of showbiz associates I can confirm there will be [shock] no Zodiac UK premiere and, "to date, we don't have a confirmed date of the premiere in Cannes." Merde.

WAIT, I SKIPPED A WHOLE CHAPTER SELECTION SECTION OF THE DVD THAT IS JAKE GYLLENHAAL'S CAREER

On my lunch break today, (which is perhaps now yesterday, depending on what time you read this), I was flicking through a tabmag that I may or may not have pilfered from Julie in personnel, when I came across an interview with one of Jake's many rumoured lovers, Robert Downey Jnr - reformed Hollywood bad boy and occasional maestro of song (unreformed) - and it suddenly occured to me that I still haven't seen Zodiac. I feel like I have...but no, I double checked and I haven't.

So for all you UKers out there, Zodiac will apparently be released on the 18th of May. But this is not why I write. Oh no. I thought I better inform you all that during the filming of Zodiac it seems Jake may have had an effect on RDJ. Take the following quote:

What do you think when you see yourself in some of your earlier films?
'Handome. Sexy. Drunk!' I don't know...'Tired. That dog almost bit my knee off'. That type of stuff. 'That was a fun day. God, I ate way too much rice before lunch.' Or 'Goddamn it, Bobby, I love you. You're a good guy.' Or: 'Did I bang her?' And the answer, usually? Umm, you're imagining I have total recall. I'm just going to imagine 'yes' and see if that triggers anything.

It's like some Gyllenbabble just exploded all up in his brain! Or maybe this is down to years of drink and drug abuse - who can really say?

Remind me to give Julie her magazine back.

QUOTE OF THE WEEK

"Come on! We're going to fuck all night!"

- Jake "The Machine" Gyllenhaal

OK, perhaps context is a necessary part of understanding this quote, but I don't want to be a buzzkill. Just enjoy it for what it is. This delicious morsel of Gyllenism can be found HERE, part of a Total Film story that is viewable in its entirety in the forum because Katie is awesome and scanned it in for us.

In other film-related news, it looks like those Zodiac Cannes rumors are true. Shall I warm up the chopper? I've flown to France before, you know. I keep forgetting this movie hasn't been released in most of the world. I could make a snarky comment about the stupid staggered release dates, but even that complaint seems old and outdated by now.

BOO'S MYSTERIOUS DISAPPEARANCE SOLVED*

Whilst the world has been clinging on to the edge of it's hospital bed over the continuing glossy front page Jake and Reese rumours, we here at JW have been keeping a level head. Witches curses and anthrax-laden faux fanmail aside, we remain wholly unmoved by recent incidents as we were greatly preoccupied with the disappearance of one Boo Gyllenhaal (Puggle) and also, the gin numbs us. As regular viewers of Jake Watch may have observed, Boo is Jake Watch's 'favourite' and has at times even managed to usurp Gyllenhaal himself. So threat level has been maintained at 'hot potato' ever since Boo was last spotted in August. Bloomin' August 5th to be precise.

Thankfully, after much research, some blackmail, a drunken afternoon of Connect 4 with Atticus, home baked muffins, a rifle through the records of The Barking Bedgebury County House Dog Hotel and then some futher blackmail we discovered Boo has spilt with owner Jake Gyllenhaal. What?! NO!

Apparently Boo felt Jake was 'holding him back' as the dogged, er dog, attempted to become a star in his own right. Boo has shown an interest in performing since a chance encounter with British animal actor, Elvis The Swan, who played 'The Swan' in the smash hit cop comedy Hot Fuzz. After acquiring an agent, Boo jetted into the A-list of animal actors thanks to his connections with the Gyllenhaal family, even securing a deal to star in a guaranteed blockbusting film trilogy. Jake decided such commitments and sudden global fame would be too much for the young puggle to handle and demanded he withdrew from the projects or face having to walk using his own legs. Boo told him to 'get fucked' and promptly filed for divorce.

A close friend of Boo's added, 'Boo finally feels free. It was tough at first, with the pressure on his paws but...oh, you mean hows he going with the acting? Well he's currently in the West Indies finishing the first part of the aforementioned trilogy and he's having the time of his life. That is why you have not had any pap pics of him 'accidently' flashing his crotch as he gets in and out of cars or groping Lindsay Lohan at Butter, which he enjoys doing, despite reports to contrary...er, woof!'

So there you have it, Booaholics, the very true story behind Boo's mysterious and unending disappearance. You heard it here first. But never fear, we managed to get our hands on a preview poster from Boo's swashbuckling trilogy that doesn't infringe on any copyrights! This puggle is heading places.

*Okay, so we still don't know where he is. Booooooooo!!!!!

JAKE MAKING ORDINARY THINGS EXTRAORDINARY JUST BECAUSE HE'S THE ONE DOING THEM

First Example of Extraordinary Behavior:

Hanging out in the dairy aisle.

More at Just Jared.

Second Example of Extraordinary Behavior:

Walking to the car with one grocery sack.

More at IHJ.

Third Example of Extraordinary Behavior:

Walking to the car with two grocery sacks.

More at IHJ.

Fourth Example of Extraordinary Behavior:

Displaying various emotions whilst watching a basketball game.

From top left, clockwise: confusion, joy, sadness, I've got something in my teeth. More in the Jake Watch Forum.

Fifth Example of Extraordinary Behavior:

Using the word "cowgirls" (unfortunately there is no accompanying audio/visual for this one). Click HERE.

Sixth Example of Extraordinary Behavior:

Er, OK, this doesn't exactly fit into the theme of the post, but there are a billion more Back Away From My Man moments with Aniston HERE.

***

Alright, I admit it! We just needed a compilation post to make sure we covered everything that happened between April 12th and April 15th. Remember last week when I said I couldn't believe there was that much Jake? I lied. I can believe there was that much Jake because now there is even more Jake and it is this new amount of Jake that I can't believe. The previous amount of Jake pales in comparison.

Did I use "whilst" in this post? Damn you, britpopbaby. Damn you!

JAKE IS GLAADING IT

There was a time when Prophecy Girl and I could live out our weekends in peace. We'd put our feet up in the plush JW HQ lounge and watch reruns of Quincy and Pussycat Dolls Present: Search for the New Pussy whilst sipping on Billard Hurricanes and fashioning our new Reese Witherspoon voodoo doll.

And then, Jake my lovelie, you decide to GO OUT ON A SATURDAY NIGHT?! Jesus! No, it's fine, we're awake now, we might as well cover it.

Jake presented his Mrs Robinson with the Vanguard Award for her contributions to increased visibility and understanding of the LGBT community. Okay, did I miss what she did for the LGBT community? Surely Jake has done more by merely go cycling with Austin Nichols (wink, wink).

And does a small part of me what a torrid Gyllenhaal/Aniston love affair? Yes. Yes, it does. My pinky wants a torrid love affair.

More pics at Just Jared.

WE'LL FIGHT THEM ON THE BEACHES, WE'LL FIGHT THEM AT THE SMOOTHIE STAND

You know how Prophecy Girl and I are crusaders of Gyllenrights? Vigilantes if you will. Well, we got bored and made a most awesome petition. You should probably sign it because if you don't you will be cast from the Jake Watch island into the blogless seas with no more than an standard airline life vest and a packet of Wrigley's Spearmint Flavoured chewing gum to save you.

I should also probably tell you what it's about too, but there is goblin tourguide on hand to answer any questions you have so you might as well go straight there.

SIGN THE PETITION HERE

LITTLE PUBLICIZED MOMENTS IN GYLLENHAAL HISTORY

It's true!

More pictures from this historic event at IHJ.

HOLY GOOSE-GOG-EYES!

Good eve, dearhearts, it is I again. The rapturous Madame Swiss, battleaxe of hearsay and amateur horticulturist. I return to provide with you insight into some most frightful turn of events. I was flicking through the pages of my electric gossip finder, in search of the latest happenings of Firecrotch and associates when I stumbled upon THIS ever so alarming piece of mere talk about my darling Jacob Benjy Gyllenhaal.

What to think! What to do! I quickly deemed it all tosh of the highest order. Can a gentleman not partake in another gentleman's company without some ludicrous tittle tackle being spread around like Firecrotch? Surely they were just enjoying a game of whist and perhaps a shot of Wild Turkey? Dear, jove, what's the deep south coming to?

Later on that day, I was clipping my mulberry bush when my good friend Edgar DeMountford stuck his head over my palisades and asked how my comings and goings had been. When I told him the news he chuckled at length before remarking that young Jacob was such a green boy with a touch of The Swedish Sphinx about him. 'Yes,' I replied, not really understanding but then I thought how Edgar was the perfect example of my aforementioned point. Edgar has lived with his good friend Antonio for 27 years and they're just as good pals now as they were when they first met on the ice dancing circuit back in Hayes Jenkins heydays. They even share a bed to shave money since Edgar had to sell his salon to pay for his mother's hip replacement.

Really? First that Witherspoon harlot and now this. Jacob is single. End of story!

YOU'RE ALL INVITED!

Just a quick reminder for anyone who lives in the LA vincity and isn't busy with botox or stomach resculpting in the upcoming weeks, go and see Jake in this play (kinda)! If you do plan to go please wear the 'I'm Stalking Jake' or 'Team Gyllenhaal' buttons and review the play for us because we're arty and worldly like that.

HIT COMEDY "THREE COMPAÑEROS" RETURNS TO UPRIGHT CITIZENS BRIGADE THEATRE IN HOLLYWOOD
PRIME TIME PERFORMANCE DATES ADDED BY POPULAR DEMAND


After a sold-out engagment earlier this year, THREE COMPAÑEROS moves to Prime Time and returns to The Upright Citizen's Brigade Theatre.

THREE COMPAÑEROS is a parody of "Three's Company" which replaces roommates Jack, Janet and Chrissy with Lance Armstrong, Jake Gyllenhaal and Matthew McConaughey. As the three roommates spend the summer trying to woo their wacky landlord's beautiful female visitor double entendres and a series of misunderstandings threaten to turn them against one another. Will they let a femme fatale and fame trump friendship? Or will these three companeros kiss and make up?

The real Armstrong, obviously a good sport, has called the play's premise "hilarious."

Writer/director Amy Rhodes recently created and developed the sitcom pilot for Oxygen Network. She has written and performed two solo shows, both Time Out New York Critics' Picks for Comedy.

Taran Killam ("MAD TV," "Nobody's Watching," "Nick Cannon Presents: Short Circuitz") plays McConaughey, Robert Lambert ("The David Cross Show," "C.A.R.E.") plays Armstrong and Bryan Safi (the long-running hit "Inside Private Lives," "Crystal and Pushups" at UCB in L.A.) portrays Gyllenhaal. Drew Droege (Groundlings, "Reno 911") is the fellas' landlord and The Beautiful Blonde is portrayed by Cassie Pappas, who replaced Kelly Ripa on Live With Regis and Kelly while Ripa was on maternity leave.

"To Do" – Defamer
"Snarky Stage Treat" – LA City Beat
"Genius. On point, enjoyable and damn funny." – Socal.com

WHAT: "Three Compañeros". A comedy.
WHO: Presented by Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre. Written and directed by Amy Rhodes. Staring Drew Droege, Taran Killam Robert Lambert, Cassie Pappas & Bryan Safi.
WHERE: Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre, 5919 Franklin Ave., Hollywood, CA 90028.
WHEN: Thursdays at 8 p.m. on April 26, May 3 & May 17, 2007
ADMISSION: $5.
RESERVATIONS: (323) 908-8702 or www.ucbtheatre.com
WEBSITE: www.myspace.com/threecompaneros
RUNNING TIME: 30 minutes

Thanks to Amy Rhodes (writer/director) for the info! http://www.amyrhodes.com

EASTER BUNNY VISITS JAKE!

And gives him a chocolate bunny and a blatant stalker! He must have been a good boy this year.

Tons more at JustJared as well as yet more pictures of Jake and Austin cycling down the busy highways of California. How can there even be this much Jake?! The mind boggles.

THE SUNDAY PROJECT...AND...

...BLATANT STALKING! All in one easy to manage package. Take that, Easter!

Now, as we all know, Jake is oft stalked by some neophyte lurker, some greenhorner not yet granted entry into the Academy of Stalkemia for their slack ways and general unclassiness. We've taken time out of our own busy 'observation' schedules to assess and defame these brazen charlatans and call them out for their reckless behaviour. But which, over this year of the Lord just past, was your favourite? Should I rephrase that? Which posed the greatest danger or which was just too, too obvious?

Put that egg to one side you gluttonous fool and wipe the smears of coco goodness from your lips as we once again partake in the great Sunday Project (Copyright 2007. All Rights Reserved. Bitches).

A. THE TRACK RUNNER OF OBLIVION
She pretended to be jogging. She wore a cap...TO COVER THE LIES!

Refresh your memory...

B. DEATH CAB FOR UGLY
Taxi for Mr Gyllenhaal? UNLIKELY!

Refresh your memory...

C. HANNIBAL DOGTER
Playing to Jake's weakness. SICKENING!

Refresh your memory...

D. THE GOLDEN FIEND
Mightily clever but the facial expressions gave it away. SMARMY!

Refresh your memory...

E. THE SEAGULL OF MALEVOLENCE
Just...blatant. BLATANT!

Refresh your memory...

Please consider the above options carefully and come to an informed decision. Then you may return to your calories.

JAKE, IT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE LIKE THIS!

So now even People are reporting that Jake and Reese are doing the horizontal mambo...and also creepily adding that Jake is 'very into kids'. Now look, lets not get carried away here. Jake, if you want to get some publicity and guarantee your appearance in every tabloid magazine in the world, there is an easier way. It's called...

...wet and naked in public. Simple. If you want us to take over the PR gig, just say.

BACK AWAY FROM MY MAN!

Yo woman!

Are you...are you...no, surely not, wait...my eyes doth deceive...TOUCHING HIM? ARE YOU FREAKIN' TOUCHING HIM? Er, survey says, 'ding, ding, ding, HELL YEAH'. Are you out of your friggin' mind? Or can you please remind me where you fall on the very short yet comprehensive list of 'People authorised to feel up Jake Gyllenhaal's suit'? Thankfully (for you) this was a failed attempt at snaffling the Gyllenhaal as wherever it was you were trying to take him, he obviously didn't want to go. He's veering in the opposite direction, probably transfixed on a puggle or some passing lycra. Dear god. Close. Thatclose.

JAKE CELEBRATES JW'S 1 YEAR ANNIVERSARY BY SHOWING OFF TONGUE, DOG

Right tongue. Wrong dog.

More at JustJared!

IT'S OUR BIRTHDAY AND WE'LL PHOTOSHOP RIDICULOUS IMAGES OF JAKE IF WE WANT TO

OH! Has it been a year? It feels only weeks, nay months, since the good ship Jake Watch left the port of sanity to sail the turbulent seas of online fandom. We've achieved er, little and Jake hasn't been with us for all the ride (fuck you Morocco) but still, we had fun didn't we, chums?

Sorry we didn't plan a major party (special celebrity guest: The Hoff) but what with the whole kidnapping thing and the HQ getting trashed and Terence and Fincher and Ruffalo and PG getting dissed in Hollywood (of all places!) and Jake's PR being sufficently lackluster we kind of ran out of steam. But stay with us for a week of your staple Jake Watch diet special anniversary editions and er, on the down low, maybe even a Sunday Project. What??!! No!!

And lastly, but most certainly not least...ly, I want to thank PG for coming on board all those moons ago and co-blogging this son of a bitch with me. It's seriously been hilarious. Oh! The stories we have for those memoirs now and also that 'Jake In Art' gallery we plan on opening. And Anneka too for your 'special' reviews. Many the hour we spent at Uni, giggling heartily over Jake related gafuffle whilst we should have been reading Mrs Dalloway or catching up on some Freud. Good times!

Cantara too, for causing us more drama than was probably absolutely nesseccary but what the hell.

FINALLY, our loyal readers! You know we do it for you and only you, you sexy bitches.

P.S Jake, it's okay if you want to get with someone now. We appreciate you staying 'offically' single this past year but we're cool, y'know, now we've built up a support network and a plentiful supply of gin.

P.P.S Where is Boo?

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY, JAKE WATCH!

'Sup, Jake Watch? It's your muse here, Jake Gyllenhaal, just dropping by to say congrats on a job well done. One year of all me, all the time. That has got to be the best year ever. I think your fearless leaders might have another post later on, but nothing too exciting because they had a really good idea for something awesome but it didn't happen. But I'm not going to tell you what that awesome thing might be in case it works out someday down the road for them. I like to be mysterious like that.

So, I know you guys are wondering, and since it's your anniversary and all, I guess I should just come out and say it. I mean, if not to you guys, then to who, right? I know there's been a lot of debate and controversy over this, but I'm here to set the record straight. I know every one of you has spent sleepless nights pondering the pros and cons and it's time I just come clean about the whole thing. I'm the only one who can put this matter to rest and my one word answer is...

ANKLE! All the effing way.

Peace out, fools and good job on Year 1. I will be back!

J-Gee

QUOTE OF THE YEAR

Jake has a purdy mouth. And out of that purdy mouth sometimes comes some strange word formations. Now, Jake's been saying weird stuff for eons, but only Jake Watch has chronicled these verbal events, common sense eclipses if you will, and discussed them at quite unnecessary length. But which quote is the finest example of Gyllenbabble? Come with me now, as we journey back over the past year and look at some top notch 'Quote of the Week' entries....(que: mists of time)

"...so it’s based in a real reality..." Feb 1 2007
Zodiac; it's really real, you know.

“He asked if I’d remembered to bring a good pair of Velcro gloves. I was devastated because I hadn’t, but promised him I would get a pair immediately." Jan 2 2007
Jake had also forgotten the tent pegs, Calor gas stove and baked beans.

"You should record my voice really fast so that you can slow it down and I can sound really weird." Dec 11 2006
Yeah, 'cos only then would you sound weird.

"Hey I was in (row) 15C the other day... It’s been the best experience I’ve had flying. Air Canada’s just been terrific." Nov 20 2006
Jake 'Easily Pleased' Gyllenhaal.

"I think that I'd like for [the audience] to walk away with the metaphor for what that movie is about, and that's the metaphor". Sept 4 2006
He was talking about October Sky and rockets. Makes perfect sense with the context, doesn't it?

"My dog has changed my life". Aug 21 2006
But where the hell is Boo now?

"There are three things I'll never do again - eat Play-Doh, run with scissors and keep my ice-cube collection in a shoebox" July 3 2006
They've made Play-doh edible now, Jake, so it's all good.

"Voting is sexy. I think everybody should do it, and I want everybody to do it with me." May 15 2006
I'm going to go out on a limb and say this is Prophecy Girl's favourite quote.

"It's funny to me that people find other people getting coffee really interesting, or walking their dog in the dog park." April 3rd 2006
Ahahahaha! Shut up.