The 100% True and Accurate Life and Times of Jake Gyllenhaal
An extract from the upcoming book, Jake Gyllenhaal: Reach for That Star and Eat It (Unofficial) from Jake Watch's Tall Tales Publishing House.
Jake Garfield Wolfgang Gyllenhaal was born Nigel Harmen on February the 29th, 1945 in Bangor, Wales to noodle miner Dai WhyOhWhy Delilah and undedicated suffragette Pinky Jones. His early life was tough, being made to sleep in the piano stool by his aloof parents and bullied by local dogs.
In 1953, Jake escaped the harsh ways of Bangor, having to relocate to the Scottish Highlands after the big Noodle Shortage of 1950. He took shelter with a pack of wild beavers who taught him the art of dam-building, back-stroke and also gave him an appreciation for Renaissance literature. In 1961, Jake was on the move again, this time Flipelsworht, Sweden where he was employed as a surströmming chef for the Mayor. It was at this point Jake renamed himself Gyllenhaal after seeing it graffitied on a monument to Henry Winkler.
Whilst in Flipelsworht, Sweden, Jake discovered his passion for drama after a policeman rode through a rhododendron patch he had been perfecting and a bout of name-calling and light slapping ensued. After attending three acting classes taught by none other than Larry Hagman, Jake made his stage debut in Nurses on the Line: The Crash of Flight 7, along side Jennifer Lopez, who at the time was trying to put the block behind her. The offers rolled in but Jake was not content with the big money to be made in Swedish cinema and emigrated again, this time to Hollywood, Florida.After realising his mistake Jake immediately got back on the plane and headed for Hollywood, LA, muttering something about old people smelling of piss.
Jake found his new life a huge transition from the old days of Europe and was often found wandering the boulevards in rags, preaching about the evils of the New World to any hobo that would listen. Fortunately for Jake, a lot of hobos listened and the crowds he drew for his lectures (including, They Do It Better in The the Former Yugoslav Republic of Macedonia and Bury Me 'Neath The Black, Black Tarmac of Urmston) got him noticed by up and coming talent scout Hack McGee.
McGee landed Jake his first Hollywood role alongside Charlie Chaplin in the Oscar nominated film, I’ve Got Bees in Me Britches. The rest, as they say, is history. Jake went onto star in such classics as One Finger or Four?, Afterburn and the blockbusting, Bionic Ever After. He received great praise from critics and quickly garnered an army of crazed fans. An actual army with tanks and shit.
Jake likes to keep his privates private but was known to have relationships with both Fez from That 70's Show and Larisa Oleynik. There has been recent speculation as to Jake’s orientation and status. When questioned whom he would most like to go on a date to Chuck.E.Cheese with, Jake replied, ‘Captain Jack Sparrow’, adding, ‘I just love kohl’. When questioned more specifically about his orientation Jake answered, ‘East, I think.’ In his spare time Jake likes to visit themed cocktail lounges, water parks and pen anonymous letters of complaint to Pets Best Pet Insurance.
According to http://www.deathclock.com/ Jake will shuffle off his mortal coil on Wednesday, 20 October 2077 but has plans to return to his native Wales, via Sweden, on Thursday, October 21, 2077.
Facts about Jake:
Jake owns his own tree house. Some of Jake’s fans refer themselves to hospitals but usually the state has to get involved. His last name is pronounced ‘Gal-en-giggle-pants’ He has a goldfish named Mrs. Henry-Lafayette Dubose. Jake was set to play Seabiscuit in Seabiscuit 2: Trip to the The Glue Factory but the horse recovered in time to reprise his role. He went to school with the band members of White Snake. Jake was named as one of People Magazine’s 50 hottest goldfish owners of 2006.