SOCK WATCH: A DRAMA

JAKE: Dude? Are you like, not wearing socks? What's is UP with that?
AUSTIN: Oh, man. Here we go with the socks again. Just don't look...pretend nothings happening...
MAN IN GREY CARDIGAN: Hopefully coughing loudly will show how uncomfortable this whole situation is making me.
SOCKLESS MAN: Relaaaaaax, brother. There is nothing like the feel of synthetic fibres against ones naked toes whilst chillin' courtside at the Lakers...
JAKE: Again, I have to ask, what is UP with that?

A QUICK QUESTION FROM A SHIH TZU

Wassup fellow bitches! My name is Nanu Michang River Reed Princess the Third and I'm totally Boo's biggest fan! I loved him in Donnie Barko. Anyway you guys, I know we're like a community here and I can talk about whatever I want with you bitches without you judging me, 'cos, like, you get me. Woof! Sooooooo, I was cross-examing this picture, which is like my hobby, apart from being shampooed and pissing in Momma's rosebush, when I thought, WOAH! Boo and his good friend, Fort Worth are totally touching! Check it out you guys...

At first I thought it was my mind playing tricks on me and I totally freaked so I went over to my favourite celebrity dog entertainment site to just chill for a while and check up with all the gossip - you know, Tinkerbell, Little Fucker, all the faves - and just look at what I found Mad Dog Morocco jiving about...

So now, I'm like totally confused. Is Boo gay? 'Cos that would totally break my little Shih Tzu heart into a million pieces. Well gotta run, it's ribbon time and then we're going to the park so I can look down at mongrels...or up...whatever. Later bitches!!

YES! I ROCK!

WARNING: THIS POST HAS ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO DO WITH JAKE GYLLENHAAL. READ AT YOUR OWN RISK.

I think we all knew, deep down inside, that one day, international stardom and fabulousness would pretty much be just mine for the taking. Well, that day has arrived. Please take a moment of your time to skim through: Blog Spotlight - An Interview with britpopbaby. Read it and weep.

So this got me to thinkin' - it's all well and good spilling your heart out to to a random journo, bpb, but what about the fans? The people who put you where you are today? Oh, the life of an internet blogger is glamourous, no doubt, and it's easy to carried away with the glitzy lifestyle - the Babycham receptions, the Clarks shoes, free subscription to the Cantaraville mailshot - but now and again you just have to stop and ask, who am I really?

Well if you've got some burning question you've ever wanted to ask me or ProphecyGirl, now is your freakin chance. You probably haven't but just in case you have, y'know, we're in a sharing mood but please be aware I will not answer any questions about my underwear...okay maybe one..or two.

Sorry? Jake who?

The Very True Life Story of Jake Gyllenhaal and don't let anyone tell you any different.


The Films of Jake, retold and manhandled with a postmodern perspective...sort of.


Obligatory acts of actory goodwill


coming soon


coming soon

Biography

The 100% True and Accurate Life and Times of Jake Gyllenhaal
An extract from the upcoming book, Jake Gyllenhaal: Reach for That Star and Eat It (Unofficial) from Jake Watch's Tall Tales Publishing House.

Early Life
Jake Garfield Wolfgang Gyllenhaal was born Nigel Harmen on February the 29th, 1945 in Bangor, Wales to noodle miner Dai WhyOhWhy Delilah and undedicated suffragette Pinky Jones. His early life was tough, being made to sleep in the piano stool by his aloof parents and bullied by local dogs.

In 1953, Jake escaped the harsh ways of Bangor, having to relocate to the Scottish Highlands after the big Noodle Shortage of 1950. He took shelter with a pack of wild beavers who taught him the art of dam-building, back-stroke and also gave him an appreciation for Renaissance literature. In 1961, Jake was on the move again, this time Flipelsworht, Sweden where he was employed as a surströmming chef for the Mayor. It was at this point Jake renamed himself Gyllenhaal after seeing it graffitied on a monument to Henry Winkler.

Whilst in Flipelsworht, Sweden, Jake discovered his passion for drama after a policeman rode through a rhododendron patch he had been perfecting and a bout of name-calling and light slapping ensued. After attending three acting classes taught by none other than Larry Hagman, Jake made his stage debut in Nurses on the Line: The Crash of Flight 7, along side Jennifer Lopez, who at the time was trying to put the block behind her. The offers rolled in but Jake was not content with the big money to be made in Swedish cinema and emigrated again, this time to Hollywood, Florida.After realising his mistake Jake immediately got back on the plane and headed for Hollywood, LA, muttering something about old people smelling of piss.

Career
Jake found his new life a huge transition from the old days of Europe and was often found wandering the boulevards in rags, preaching about the evils of the New World to any hobo that would listen. Fortunately for Jake, a lot of hobos listened and the crowds he drew for his lectures (including, They Do It Better in The the Former Yugoslav Republic of Macedonia and Bury Me 'Neath The Black, Black Tarmac of Urmston) got him noticed by up and coming talent scout Hack McGee.

McGee landed Jake his first Hollywood role alongside Charlie Chaplin in the Oscar nominated film, I’ve Got Bees in Me Britches. The rest, as they say, is history. Jake went onto star in such classics as One Finger or Four?, Afterburn and the blockbusting, Bionic Ever After. He received great praise from critics and quickly garnered an army of crazed fans. An actual army with tanks and shit.

Private Life
Jake likes to keep his privates private but was known to have relationships with both Fez from That 70's Show and Larisa Oleynik. There has been recent speculation as to Jake’s orientation and status. When questioned whom he would most like to go on a date to Chuck.E.Cheese with, Jake replied, ‘Captain Jack Sparrow’, adding, ‘I just love kohl’. When questioned more specifically about his orientation Jake answered, ‘East, I think.’ In his spare time Jake likes to visit themed cocktail lounges, water parks and pen anonymous letters of complaint to Pets Best Pet Insurance.

The Future
According to http://www.deathclock.com/ Jake will shuffle off his mortal coil on Wednesday, 20 October 2077 but has plans to return to his native Wales, via Sweden, on Thursday, October 21, 2077.

Facts about Jake:

• Jake owns his own tree house.
• Some of Jake’s fans refer themselves to hospitals but usually the state has to get involved.
• His last name is pronounced ‘Gal-en-giggle-pants’
• He has a goldfish named Mrs. Henry-Lafayette Dubose.
• Jake was set to play Seabiscuit in Seabiscuit 2: Trip to the The Glue Factory but the horse recovered in time to reprise his role.
• He went to school with the band members of White Snake.
• Jake was named as one of People Magazine’s 50 hottest goldfish owners of 2006.

MORE FORCE-FEEDING OF AMERICAN CULTURE

Ha ha! "Force-feeding." Man, I'm clever. Today we celebrate Thanksgiving, a wonderful holiday known for its slaughter of turkeys and abundance of cranberry sauce. We Americans like to take one Thursday each November to celebrate that time in our nation's history when our country wasn't actually yet a country and we hadn't quite exterminated all the people who were here before us. I can't think of a better reason to have a holiday!

OK, I shouldn't be so cynical. We originally celebrated this holiday as a way to promote togetherness, and that sentiment hasn't changed to this day. Except instead of giving Pilgrims and Indians a chance to sit down and not kill each other, today Thanksgiving gives families a chance to sit down and enjoy each other's company. Or not.

A typical dysfunctional family eating Thanksgiving dinner.

Americans like to eat, and tend to be willing to do it regardless of who they are doing it with. And that is the magic of Thanksgiving.

Recently, however, Thanksgiving has taken on a new meaning for some of us. I think Jack Nasty knows what I'm talking about, but right now he's completely disgusted because he just found out L.D. Newsome doesn't read Jake Watch. Son of a bitch.
But, friends, I digress. This year, Thanksgiving falls on a very special day for all of us, and I'd be lying if I said there was any other reason I'll be eating a cooked bird today. For yes, our fearless leader, our very own stud duck, the original agent herself, has a birthday today! We all got together last night and celebrated. Sorry I didn't invite more of you. It was sort of a last-minute thing although, as usual, Jake dropped everything to make sure he was there for the big night. That's why we love him! That and his ability to even make garrishly oversized buttons look classy.
Aw, how cute! But Jake, you might want to watch where your hand is, pal.

AGENTS IN ACTION: A WORD FROM YOUR LEADER

Agents, I've just been over the report from our latest assignment and although it went relatively well there are a few points I'd like to go over. Can I please refer you to the diagram below:

As you can all see, Jake has managed to flee the scene looking dazed and confused but generally unharmed, with his yet to be identified purchase that may or may not be Sprinkles cupcakes, wholly in tact. The jeans, as usual, are hot.

So far so good, but now may I steer you in the direction of the figure marked (A.). On initially sight, I'm way impressed - going undercover as an orderly? NICE. Nobody expects a hospital worker, 'cept maybe Lieutenant Dan (Ex. 1). On closer inspection though agent, you've totally given yourself away. Your lack of training has resulted in the common, 'Oh my freakin' god, it's Jake freakin' Gyllenhaal'-face. There was obviously some admin oversight in sending you out into the field so soon. I apologise and will make sure Terence (Senior Office Manager - Ex. 2) doesn't make this error again.

Now for Figure (B.). Peter Sarsgaard is that you? Homeless people, as we have learnt in the past, make for pretty interesting paparazzi pictures and also serve as a great distraction for agents in action but this guy? Not homeless looking enough. Jake doesn't even care. If we are going to continue with our 'Plant-a-Tramp' initiative we're going to have to do better than this - may I suggest, for starters, dirtier sneakers?

My last point is just a general request. Since I moved Eugene out of fieldwork and on to the switchboard because his sciatica was playing up we've had no-one to go round and check all the public phones in the world are working. As we all know, all phones should be connected to the JakeWatch Network Advisory Kinetic Emergency Directory (or Jake-NAKED for short). If Jake or an agent is ever in trouble they can dial 5253-92824 and be put straight through to the emergency response team. So can someone please check that phone for connectivity? Thanks.

That's all agents. Keep up the sterling work because remember, someone has to keep a damn eye on him.

WHOSE IDEA WAS THIS, THEN?

Doth my eyes deceive me?
It would appear we are looking at a picture of the wonderous Gyllenhaal in the shower and it is not sexy. At all. While my mind boggles at the notion that there is a photographer out there so untalented that he/she could make Jake in the shower look unattractive, all I can do is pray that this hopelessly misguided amateur turns to us for guidance before again approaching our boy with a lens. (Good thing Jake Watch is around to give pointers.)

Rules Regarding Photographing Jake In Water

1. What is the hell is that expression?

Rule: If Jake is going to be shot directly in the face with a spray of water from a showerhead, his head should look like this:
...or (even better), this:

2. Clothes? CLOTHES? Jake doesn't wear clothes in the shower. In fact, Jake doesn't wear clothes if there's any sort of washing going on.

Rule: If Jake is going to be shown anywhere near water, the only acceptable outerwear is cowboy boots...and only cowboy boots:
But if, for some reason, he just insists on wearing something more, make sure it's of the clingy, see-thru, eye-color highlighting, half-unbuttoned variety:
Also note the hair. Little could be less sexy that the drowned rat 'do he is sporting in the original picture. Little could be more sexy than the carefully-styled, artificially-windblown, spikey-thing he's got going on in this last pic.

3. For God's sake, I realize he's not going to go full monty for just anyone, but Jake naked from behind is better than Jake clothed from the front. Am I right?

Rule: Unless it is a life or death situation in which Jake is drowning near the phone booths in the New York City Public Library because a cataclysmic climate shift has disrupted water levels around the globe...
...if he's in water, do whatever it takes, but get his clothes off!

(Wait, was that a repeat of Rule #2?)

Pics from IHJ.

One billion bonus points to anyone around long enough to remember the original "Whose idea was this, then?" posts. I know there aren't many of you. ;)

QUOTE OF THE WEEK

From the annals of 2004:

“Hey I was in (row) 15C the other day... It’s been the best experience I’ve had flying. Air Canada’s just been terrific.”

- Jake Gyllenhaal, prince of product placement

I've never flown Air Canada, but I must admit I'm uber-impressed that at least one time in his life, Jake Gyllenhaal did not fly first class. The things you learn doing this job...

I'D LIKE TO BE THE FIRST TO REVIEW ZODIAC

But apparently, according to Paramount Pictures, I'm not deemed a 'respected member' of the film critic circuit. Whatever, biotches. I don't care, I got me a trailer to review and I'm gonna break it down for ya now, sweet seconds at a time.

0.00 R rated. Mention of brief sexual images. We've peaked too soon, haven't we?
0.02 Shot of the Golden Gate Bridge. Just so we know where we are - San Francisco, fyi.
0.14 The Zodiac appears to have quite childish handwriting. I'm not sure how relevant this is.
0.15 Jake has got away with having to wear only moderately bad 70's clothing.
0.23 Jake is belittled by some bit part actor. Blacklisted.
0.34 The Zodiac might be a paedophile. Not good.
0.44 Jake likes killing people..oh wait, the Zodiac likes killing people. Figures.
0.52 Jake likes him some Sudoko - this cartoon will never get finished.
0.54 Someone needs to call in Lieutenant Dan 'cos there is like, 500 suspects.
1.00 Robert Downey Jnr looks like a cop who makes his own rules.
1.09 Jake is a Eagle Scout, 1st class...hee, hee, hee! What's an Eagle scout? Like a beaver scout?
1.15 Robert Downey Jnr insults Jake. Blacklisted.
1.28 Jake climbs tree and peers in Mark Ruffalo's window. Yeah, we've all been there.
1.29 Mark Ruffalo busts Jake for climbing his tree and peering in his window.
1.34 Chloe whatshername bitches about Jake's face being on TV. Shut up.
1.38 Jake gets a phone call with heavy breathing...er...
1.44 Yay! 70's car with cherry light! Fingers crossed for a Daisy Duke bonnet slide, people.
1.45 Robert Downey Jnr does not look like a cop you could trust.
1.47 It gets better! 70's music! Bink bink bow!
1.50 Something about squirrels.
1.55 The Zodiac rings Jake, they've obviously formed a bond that we're not at this stage privy to.
1.58 The Zodiac can give you a lift to the train station. See, not all serial killers are self-involved.
2.13 There is definately someone else in that house.
2.18 Rounding up with some blues music - nice!
2.22 Coming soon. It better be.

PS - If anyone out there can sort of make videos please email us because we have a small project to complete. We'll pay you in sherbert lemons.

Nervous Jake from IHJ.com.

LET THE PROMOTIONAL WARS BEGIN

Warner Brothers, clearly feeling immense pressure from the buzz created by this Jake Watch post, has finally released the trailer for Zodiac (proving this movie really does exist). I haven't been able to watch it with sound because I'm at work, but it looks pretty good. OK, visually it has nothing on our "Coming Soon" poster, but I'm going to cut them some slack because they only had a day to throw this together. You think it's a coincidence that this came out the day after we started promotion for our Jake Watch movie? Um, no. It's on, bitches. It. Is. On.

EDIT: It actually is better with sound. Dammit. These guys are good.

Official Site: http://www.zodiacmovie.com/

For more screencaps, you know where to go.

DEAR PEOPLE MAGAZINE,

Oh, my gaw, y'all. Ok, y'all are, like, my all-time favorite celebrity magazine. And I'm not just sayin' that 'cause in 2004 y'all produced the most amazing spread of Prince William pictures EVER for y'all's "25 Hottest Bachelors" issue (you know, with him lookin' all pissed off and sexy, back when he wasn't ball-and-chained to Kate Middleton and his hairline was intact?) but also because y'all do those crazy survivor stories and stuff and because y'all did that awesome "I'm Gay!" thing for Lance Bass and it was really sweet the way y'all pretended y'all didn't know and stuff beforehand.

Y'all, I really hate to point out y'all's mistakes and stuff because I love y'all so much but I think something's wrong with y'all's website. There is some crazy banner over there that says something about George Clooney being the Sexiest Man Alive! Y'all! No one's gonna believe that! I mean, George is pretty sexy but he's not the Sexiest Man Alive! No way!

So anyway, I was flippin' through y'all's pictures and I noticed that there was someone a little further down the list who was a lot sexier than George and at first I was, like, no way! I mean, this guy's nickname is The Sex. Who's sexier than The Sex? But then I realized that y'all also had a picture of Tad Hamilton and I was like, geez, it all makes sense! Somebody mixed up y'all's pictures! Tad Hamilton isn't even a real celebrity! Y'all, he was made up for that movie with Kate what's-her-name (you know, she shacks up with Orlando sometimes?) and then he showed up on that Las Vegas show, not the CSI one, but the other one. Oh my gawd, what was I talking about?

Oh yeah, I hate to be the one to bring it to y'all's attention but just so y'all didn't have any unnecessary embarrassment, I thought I'd tell y'all so y'all could fix y'all's list. And y'all, Jake is so nice. He won't even care that y'all mixed this up. But I wanted to thank y'all for giving some attention to Jim from "The Office" because I always said that if Jake didn't accept that marriage proposal I mailed him, I'd try Jim next. Or maybe I'd try Johnny Depp next, but I'd try Jim at some point. Johnny's supposedly taken but I don't ever cross a man off the list until he has entered the sacred union of holy matrimony.

Alright, y'all go change that now. I mean, everyone's gonna realize it was a mistake so y'all might as well get on it now before too many people find out. Aren't y'all glad you have such good readers like me? Bye, y'all! Love ya!

P.S. Why do y'all always knock K-Fed? He's an artist, y'all. I saved up all my money so I could buy tickets to his concert and it was the greatest experience of my life even though I was really drunk and I don't remember it. I can't even believe Britney let that man go!

(OK, seriously, THIS is the picture they use, and he's not at the top of the list? What is this, a list for blind people?)

YEAH, YOU THINK YOU KNOW WHERE THESE PICTURES CAME FROM...

Set of Rendition? Jake's new movie? Think again.
He's on a movie set alright. But you're not even close.

JAKE WATCH: THE MOVIE

* Before Zodiac. And you thought that was the next time you'd see Jake in a film role. Please. We're professionals. Stay tuned.

Pics from IHJ. Stellar artwork from my creative subconscious.

MORE THE SAME, IT HURTS ME TO SAY

More unauthorized females:

More blatant stalking:

Stage 1: The Casual Warm-Up

Stage 2: Moving In For The Kill

More Reasons to Say BACK AWAY FROM MY MAN!

What the HELL was going on at this charity function? 'Cause apparently after the ride was over, the fun was just beginning. Come on, Gyllenhaal. Would it have killed you to show a little sock? Just to spice things up a bit? You don't even look sad for all your atrocious behavior.

Much better.

Pics: IHJ.

Charity: Still of the Livestrong variety.

Complete and utter lack of ideas: All PG, who recognized the need to show any new pictures since they're few and far between, but couldn't help but be uninspired by their depressing blandness. Aw, but Jake really does look sad in that last pic. I knew he'd feel bad about not getting us a sock shot.

BACK AWAY FROM MY MAN: CHARITY SPECIAL

This feature almost disappeared from your JW screens as britpopbaby just wasn't really getting jealous anymore but then...

I heard mention in the comments of Jake at some Livestrong event, cycling and whatnot and I thought, awww, that warms the cockles of my cryogenically frozen blood pumping muscle, but then...

I saw these pictures.

Little and Large, I see touching - you have been warned, back away from my man.

Cameraman, a little too close? Before you knock him off his bike and he grazes his beautiful, beautiful knees, back away from my man.

WOAH WOAH WOAH! NO. Woman of the 80's who appears to have entered a time warp to be here with us now in 2006 - BACK AWAY FROM MY MAN.

And finally...

MY EYES! MY EYES! The only person who gets a free pass on this one is the cute little girl bottom left and maybe the kid recovering from cancer...maybe. The rest of you - blacklisted.

So what have we learnt here today? That's right, Jake must not be allowed to go to strange places like Texas and mingle with the fundraising, good-hearted public.

Pics from IHJ. Charity and goodwill from LiveStrong. Inappropiate ravings of jealously from Jake Watch.

IT'S STILL OCTOBER IN MOVIE REVIEW TERMS

Anneka's review of October Sky continued....if anyone has forgotten what has come before, which surely must be everyone by now, you can read Part One HERE and Part Two HERE.

PS - beabee made some super sweeeeeet The-Day-After-Tomorrow-Anneka-review inspired doodles and posted them in the forum. Way cool.
PPS - Jake is totally gay. I knew it, I knew it all along...


A car turns up at Cape Coalwood and a man and his kids get out. They’ve come to see the new rocket. Row-Lee lights it and the Rocketeers get in the bunker. Off goes the rocket, heading straight for the bloke and nearly killing him. The bloke flew during WW2 and seeing the rocket coming at him almost took him back. Yeah, back to taking his tablets for PTS. He has a look at the rocket and tells them the heat is melting the nozzle. He tells them they need a certain type of steel which the Rocketeers cannot afford. So they go digging up the railway line. Odell says this line isn’t in use and this bit he digs up is worth $8.20. There we go people – need some fast cash, forget selling organs, dig up railway lines. Then, in the distance, they hear a train a-coming. And shit themselves. They desperately try to put the piece back in place, then a la The Railway Children, everyone’s favourite Christmas movie next to The Sound of Music, rip off their underwear to try and warn the train. Okay, maybe they just run up the track waving. Just as it seems that the Rocketeers are going to have derailed their first train, the train switches tracks and scoots right past them, the elderly driver waving feebly. Phew. Narrowly avoided their second mass-homicide there.

The boys exchange their stolen bits of railway for cash and in turn exchange that cash for a sexy cylinder of steel. DA SHERMANATOR GETS OVEREXCITED VEN TELLING DA PILOT GUY ABOUT RACKETS. The rocket building is not going so well as we are on AUK5. Which explodes. Boys steal more railway line. Two more rockets explode, one of which while Jake is looking concerned while wearing a sexy scarf. DA SHERMANATOR EXPLAINS VAT IS WRONG AND DEY DECIDE TO MAKE IT LONGER. It seems in this case, size does matter. Several more rockets explode. We’re shown the faces of the Rocketeers in the bunker as they do, and it’s good viewing, including the happy faces when one rocket comes back to earth safely. Then explodes too. The last one loops around on itself and head for the boys. They leg it behind a hill and it explodes inches away.

DA SHERMANATOR SAYS DEY ARE GETTING AIR PACKETS WHICH ARE FUCKING UP DA RACKETS AND DEY NEED A LIQUID BINDER. Row-Lee suggests gasoline. Like I said, bran for brains. Odell points out the stupidity of that – “Four unidentifiable high school students lost their lives this morning”. Jake suggests alcohol. DA SHERMANATOR SAYS IT WOULD HAVE TO BE PURE VAN HUNDRED PER CENT. The Shermanator knows how to have a good time. Row-Lee, having West Virginia’s Biggest Drunk as a Step-Daddy, knows exactly where to find such firewater. The Rocketeers go to a cabin in the woods. We all know how that story goes. They come out completely legless with a jar of juice and we see them carefully mixing the alcohol with the rocket fuel by means of a long stick.

There are now several cars at Cape Coalwood come to see the latest rocket, including Mrs Sam Neill who gave the boys a lift. And a handjob. The audience includes Susie Highschool who asks stupidly “Is that really gonna fly?”. No love, but my fist will in a minute. Brother of Jake is also there with his friends, ready to make fun of them. The Rocketeers have made themselves a real sophisticated lighter out of a wheel, a match and a bit of string. Jake tells Susie Highschool to get behind something - he doesn’t want her pretty face all burnt up. Jake pulls the string, they count down and AUK VII lifts into the sky beautifully. Everyone cheers, even Brother of Jake and especially Mrs Sam Neill and Susie Highschool who comes over to congratulate them but is dragged away by her footballer boyfriend who is not as attractive as Jake.

It’s Jake’s birthday. Another year, another jumper. Jake has mail. New Movie Mom says it’s from Grandma but it’s a signed picture of scientist Jean-Claude Van Damme. Brother of Jake is confused, thinking it’s a signed picture of Grandma. New Movie Mom winks at NPC, telling us they arranged this as a birthday present. Or that that’s a signal to meet in the bedroom in ten minutes. Doctor Van Damme has also written him a letter, urging him to continue with his education instead of working in the mine. Or words to that effect. NPC is not impressed with this but then phone rings so Jake storms out. It’s his birthday, he deserves a little attention. Jake always deserves a little attention.

Mrs Sam Neill has also bought Jake a birthday present - a book on guided missile design. Yeah, nothing says Happy Birthday like a book on how to build guided missiles. She says the maths is hard but Jake says he’ll learn. He’s off to show the Rocketeers when Headmaster corners him. He says nothing about her buying Jake a birthday present, surely a no-no in the teaching profession, and instead lectures her on giving him false hope. Yeah, you’re never going to leave Sam Neill for Jake, are you, you hussy? Headmaster says the lucky ones get out on football scholarships, the rest work in the mine, like Grumpy, Sneezy, Dopey and the other graduates of Coalwood High. Mrs Sam Neill believes in the unlucky ones. Jake’s not unlucky so leave him alone.

There’s a strange man at Jake’s house and NPC cruelly raises Jake’s hopes by making him think the man is there to offer him a scholarship. Instead, he’s there to offer Brother of Jake a scholarship. Altogether now: BOOOOOOOOOOO! The college guy however is nice enough to encourage Jake to keep at his rockets while Brother of Jake suggests Jake could get a Science-Fiction scholarship. Don’t laugh Brother of Jake, people get scholarships to study Buffy The Vampire Slayer these days, these dark dark days.

Jake is disillusioned and angry with life so writes to his mentor, Jean-Claude Van Damme, saying he will continue. He goes to invite NPC to see his rocket take off but NPC blows him off. Not like that. Jake complains that NPC’s always there to watch his favourite son play football, so NPC says he’ll try and be there. But then there’s a mini-earthquake and the sirens go off. Second Movie Mine Disaster. Hope no-one let Jensen down there. No-one is hurt, so Jake is allowed to be angry as NPC leaves to help.

At Cape Coalwood, there’s a real crowd, including cheerleaders singing the hits from High School Musical. All together now: We’re soarin’! Flyin’! Jake runs out to greet his adoring fans. New Movie Mom is there, as is Euro-Mining Guy and Plainer Jane who has brought along her hots for Jake. Who can blame her? Off flies the rocket, everyone is amazed and very impressed. As Row-Lee and Odell skip off to find their rocket, a reporter comes to talk to Jake. He writes a terribly OTT article, saying that the Rocketeers play not football, but with APOLLO’S FIRE! Holy shit that’s exciting! Susie Highschool wants Jake to sign her newspaper because it’s the 50s and no-one’s heard of signing breasts yet. Jake is so busy drooling, Row-Lee takes the opportunity to remind him how to spell his name. Well done Row-Lee, that’s funny. But the fun doesn’t last for long, or continues depending on how you think about it, when the cops turn up. Mrs Sam Neill bursts into the office, screaming about handcuffs. Turns out there was an expensive forest fire last week and a rocket is to blame. Well, that could be anybody. Perhaps it was Sputnik. You arrested any Russians? The newspaper led them to Jake, who cannot account for all his rockets. Quick, someone start baking him a cake with a file in it while I call Cruise to see if he’ll reprise his role in A Few Good Men. Jake and Friends are dragged off to the police station, Susie Highschool shocked and Plainer Jane in tears.

NPC collects Jake wearing a very nice hat. He tells Jake that if he wasn’t a minor, he’d be in the pen. But NPC, Jake’s not a miner, I thought that’s why you had beef with him. While NPC is yelling, we hear someone being walloped outside a shop. NPC goes over and, due to the dodgy widescreen feature of my TV, I eventually work out that it’s Row-Lee’s step-daddy - you remember, the drunkest one in West Virginia? – slapping Row-Lee about. See, NPC don’t seem so bad now, does he Jake? NPC gives Row-Lee’s step-daddy a talking to and says if he hits him again, he’ll have the biggest ass-whupping in West Virginia. Jake and a bruised Row-Lee sit awkwardly in the car together as NPC tells Row-Lee he liked his real Daddy. It’s a really nice moment.

Which is followed up by the Rocketeers making Molotov cocktails and burning down Cape Coalwood. Everyone looks very miserable as Jake says “Let’s go have some fun.” Oh, so it’s back to the basement is it? No, the Owl’s Nest club, which is the rockin’est spot in Coalwood. Odell and The Shermanator are eyeing up some girls, neither of which looks like Shannon Elizabeth. DA SHERMANATOR SAYS DEY JUST GOT ARRESTED AND THAT DA GIRLS WON’T DANCE WIT DEM. Odell tells him he knows nothing about women, the second most accurate observation of the film. Jake spots Susie Highschool who he has heard has broken up with her boyfriend. Obviously for Jake. Plainer Jane gets up to talk to him but sees he only has eyes for Susie and dissolves into a blob-like substance. Jake walks towards Susie like he’s Homer and she’s a donut, a donut clad in a 50s sweater. Then her new boyfriend turns up – Brother of Jake. D’oh! Jake looks like he wants to pummel his brother but instead says “Way to go” with as little enthusiasm as he can spare. Brother of Jake gives him a sexy little wink, which I’m slightly confused about.

I'M BRINGING SEXY BACK

A DAY IN THE LIFE OF JAKE GYLLENHAAL'S PHONE

BEEP BEEP

"Hey, jst a msg 2 say soz. L8ly I feel like I've been neglecting u, wot wit nu stress @ work & u disappearing 4 1 mnth. R sex life has gone way down hill. But now I c u voting in semi-tight black tee...

...boots of sex, five o'clock shadow, ...

...and er, TOUNGE & I'm like, he's totally bringng seXy bck! Luv u 4eva BPB xxx"

Hmmm, do I ring back britpopbaby, who I owe so much to for futhering my career at every opportunity, or do I cross this road?

BOTH BABY! I am Jake Gyllenhaal, premier multi-tasker and that is why people worship me!

Pics from iheartjake.

NEWS OF THE NON-BREAKING VARIETY

Actually this is a couple days old, but seeing as how actual news is not something we often get a chance to report, we can't let these opportunities pass us by.

Boxofficemojo.com is now reporting the release date of Zodiac to be (brace yourself) March 2, 2007. I think we should all take a day of mourning. I mean, why are they doing this to us? It's just not necessary. Sort of the way this picture isn't necessary:
And yet I post it anyway...

Pic from that site with all the pictures

JAKE WATCH ELECTION DAY SPECIAL!

If you happen to be an American today (or any day), then you probably already know that the first Tuesday in November in an even-numbered, non-Presidential election year can only mean one thing. Oh, yes, baby. Mid-term elections. And this year there's actually the possibility of a power shift so if you aren't voting, then you're a LOSER.

But because so many of our fine readers here are not American, and because as an American it is my duty to inflict my country's customs on the unsuspecting world community, I thought I would explain the U.S. democratic process for everyone today in terms we can all appreciate. Let us begin.

1. The Political Parties

Here in America, we have a two-party political system. We can't always tell the difference between the two parties, so we color-code them: blue for Democrats and red for Republicans. And if we can't tell which party something falls under, we mix the two colors together and call it "Independent." Let's let Jack Twist demonstrate:

Well done, Jack Twist. We'll see you again in a minute.

2. The Voting Process

The balance of power between these parties is decided by the American people. We elect representives to our government via the voting process. To help explain voting, here is Jake Gyllenhaal:

"When somebody turns the age they need to be to vote, they should be just as excited as they are when they turn the age to buy porno." source

That's the spirit, Jake! Yes! It really is that exciting! You can't even know how good voting is until you've done it yourself. What else, Jake?

"Voting is sexy. I think everybody should do it, and I want everybody to do it with me." source

Oooh, baby. Jake's right. When you vote with him, the experience is even better! That's because honestly, your one little tiny vote doesn't count for shit until it's thrown in with all the millions of other ballots from people who voted like you did (strength in numbers)! And Jake votes like me. Oh, baby, does he ever.

3. Erm, More of the Voting Process

So how do you cast your vote? Well, in this country, where religion never has any influence on our government, we go to our local churches to vote. We stand in long lines and then senior citizens put our information into a computer system (to make sure we aren't dead) before we are led over to the sacred voting booths. Once you go inside and close the curtain, it's just you and your ballot. Take all the time you need. Sometimes the choices are tough:

4. The Issues

But now that you know how we vote and for whom we vote, you probably want to know why we vote (besides the sexiness factor). We want people in office who are concerned about the same issues we are. Big issues in this election include:

The Environment   

Gay Marriage  

And One of Any Infinite Number of Wars We Are Currently Fighting

And so, compadres around the world, as you can see, Election Day is a Very Important Day for us Americans, and I'm sure you're all feeling really left out by now.

And Americans, I think we should all show the world, and Jake, how much this day really means to us. I leave you with a set of pictures in which I hope you pick up on my subtle, one-word plea for the day (hint it's a four-letter word)...

VOTE!!!

Pics from IHJ.