Hey, Jake.

What up? How's it going? Getting ready for Toronto? You know, I was thinking about you and me the other day. Remembering our first time and all. It seems like a lifetime ago now but I guess it really wasn't. In fact it was...

May 2006 - You were in New York, I was in Los Angeles, but damn, it was good. I made my first mark on your online world, in the process proving I had the chops to do this job...and that I'm possibly insane. I haven't had a cupcake that good since. And I saw some outside lockers which led to the first scene ever written for the first fake movie ever written* which is one of many reasons why our first time might just be my favorite.
And then there was the second time...

October 2006 - Yeah, there was a little more at stake that time. It was you and me in New York. With your mom. And your dad. Three Gyllenhaals, three strikes, and I was out. For better or worse, Time Two changed everything. Everyone remembers that time. The opinions, the controversy; it was downright scandalous.
I was hoping for better luck with Time Three...

March 2007 - Except this time when you were in New York and I was in LA, it wasn't quite as fun. There were a lot of cancellations and happy stories from the opposite coast and a weird appearance by Mark Ruffalo's brother. In fact, even more so than Time Two, I associate Time Three with crying and hysteria. What can I say? Stalking you is emotional.
How about Time Four?

July 2007 - The secret trip to New York! Ostensibly, I was there for work, but I stuck around for a few extra days to see if you would show up. When you didn't, I stalked Heath. His absence suggested that the two of you have clearly been talking avoidance tactics...
So, is the fifth time the charm?

All I'm saying is that people are starting to think that I'm pathetic...and I'm starting to not have an argument against them. So how about it, Jake?

September 2007 - You in Toronto. Me in Toronto.

One week from today. Let's make it happen. I will even make it super-easy for you because I have tickets to the Rendition screening and NOTHING ELSE TO DO but stalk you (and see movies, and look around Toronto, and see a friend of mine who lives there, and do other things). I'm in this, Jake. I'm willing to commit if you are. All you gotta do is meet me halfway (because I can't justify a sixth mission if there are five failures in a row...normal people would have quit by now!). I mean, no pressure or anything, but I'm starting to get embarrassed at how well you're avoiding me. Give me a picture, let me introduce myself, say, "Jake Watch?" in a voice feigning familiarity (it doesn't have to be real...you're an actor!) and I will be one happy camper. It won't take much. Really. I'm easy. Let's do this thing, because, uh, yeah. This is kinda it for me.

See you next week,
Prophecy Girl

P.S. Karma, you owe me for Times 1-4 and for the deletion of the Jake in '08 MySpace page.

P.P.S. Jake Watch, at the very least I'll get you a sneak peak of the movie. :)

*Unlikely, but it sounds good.

Coming to a theater wall near you...

Four actors in various stages of distress + looking in four different directions = a very serious and multi-faceted storyline told from several points of view.

Snap, New Line! I can see right through your carefully planned, story-mirroring poster-designing process that emphasizes Academy Award friendly actors and actresses (click to enlarge).
As far as movie posters go, I think it's very...monochromatic.

source

Well, drat.

Oh, dear. My super-secret stash of October Sky quotes has been compromised by Wet Dark and Wild. This is terribly disappointing as the website of young Misty was probably one of the only things I ever found in the Jake World before anyone else caught on (OK, I had help). She also once interviewed Jake, therefore making her the most successful fan site-runner in the history of Jake fan site-runners. As our foremother in Jake (her site was the very first), we should remember Misty and recognize that Misty's Jake Gyllenhaal Web Site is a direct internet ancestor to all of us who are around today. But seeing as how I have lost the element of surprise, I'm forgoing a Quote of the Week today so that I may ruminate on my quote options for the future. Speaking of ancestry...

Instead (some might say "in desperation") I turned to my fellow stalkers at iheartjake.com. Perhaps they had some story of interest which I could cover in a satirical manner to distract from the egregious lack of quotage? Ah, there it was. The golden nugget of genealogical information: that Jake and Princess Diana are, like, freaking related (!). With excitement, I left-clicked...and found that the story had been taken from Wet Dark and Wild (you're everywhere!). So I left-clicked again...and found that the story had been reported by Cherita of Zen Gyllenhaalism. All of these (former?) Jake Watch readers are now flying the nest and striking out on their own...it warms the cockles of my heart to think how our little family is now begatting other little families. This convoluted, quasi-incestuous, online world of Jake fandom reminds me of something...what could it be?

Ah, yes. It reminds me of the convulted, quasi-incestuous fact that for PG, Years 18-22 were spent daydreaming of her ride into the sunset with Prince William. Prince William, who was later ditched for, and now just happens to be the direct blood relative of, Jake Gyllenhaal. I feel dirty, like I've possibly done something illegal. I hope I haven't caused too much tension within the royal family. I can imagine that earlier in history, my loyalty switch would have spawned wars (as opposed to new blogs).

Who discovered this intriguing link between Hollywood royalty and actual royalty? Richard K. Evans, who, for the hell of it, went back 12 generations in Princess Diana's lineage. To the surprise of none, Anderson Cooper is also a blood relation (why wouldn't he be?). To the surprise of many, my own lineage is not dissected in the book. Odd, since I am so pivotal in the newly created rift between the Gyllenhaals and the Spencers/Windsors.

Also odd is that the name of the book is, "The Ancestry of Diana, Princess of Wales, for Twelve Generations," since the Gyllenhaal connection is actually traced back 13 generations (14 to get to Wills, although it's 12 on the Gyllenhaal side...apparently the Swedes procreated at a slightly slower pace than the English).

What Jake would look like today if a mere 12 (or 13 or 14) generations of diverging lineage had not separated him from the British royal family.

Honestly, though. 13 generations? I'm sure half of us could claim we were related to Princess Diana if we went back 13 generations. I wonder how many generations back the connection to Mitt Romney is? Oh, he made the list, too. Apparently they had to choose Presidential candidates on both sides of the aisle so as not to appear biased.

In conclusion, perhaps we will have a quote later in the week.

Seriously, hats off to Misty.

Jake Gyllenhaal: More like Homo erectus than you might think.

And more specifically, it is that very similarity that makes him attractive to us. Well, actually, it's because he looks like a "caveman," which would literally mean early Homo sapiens, but that would have made for a very confusing headline. But I'm getting ahead of myself...

Science with Jake Watch: Because Jake Gyllenhaal Does Have Some Practical Applications

LiveScience.com recently released the results of a study that found that women throughout the ages have "selected for males with relatively short upper faces. The region between the brow and the upper-lip is scrunched proportionately to the overall size of their heads."

Large head, small face. Ladies, we're apparently evolutionarily programmed to select for such features. The prime examples used in the article were Brad Pitt, Will Smith, and Johnny Depp.


Brad, Will, Johnny, and Caveman
Proportionally, these men all have what the article refers to as "bulldog-like faces," and what watchers of Jarhead might call a "squishy face." From brow to upper lip, they pack a lot into a relatively small area:


Did you know that my first comment ever on Jake Watch was in reference to how I have never been particularly attracted to Brad Pitt? It's true. After reading the article, I thought I must be an evolutionary deviant. Not that I wouldn't be proud of that, but I ran a highly scientific test instead...


Well, what do you know? According to my completely non-precise picture resizing technique, Jake is also bulldog-like in facial proportions and thus the women of the world are guided by instinct to find him desirable to father their offspring. Your brain is telling you that anyone with an upper lip that close to his eyebrows would make a good baby-daddy. See? And you thought it was because he has blue eyes. No, it's because he looks like a Cro Magnon man.

In fact, out of everyone in my analysis, the caveman in the first two pictures actually has the least "caveman-like" face. But that's probably because that's not an actual caveman and is instead some random dude in makeup for a Geico commerical.

There Is No News Today, Unless You Count Austin Nichols Being Arrested...

...which we don't.

Why not enjoy something completely different and non-Jake related instead? Here.

Examining the "It" Factor of Two Male Popular Culture Icons In Accordance to the Arbritary Standards of One Internet Community

The other day, some commenters were talking about the lack of, well, commenters lately and there seemed to be a consensus that interest in Jake is dwindling in these dry news days. bmg had the last word, saying, "It's all Zac Efron these days. Or so I'm told."

Being the type to philosophize on the heavy issues, I took this statement to heart. Is Zac Efron really taking over as pop culture's It Boy? Or is the lack of post material so overwhelming that we are reduced to creating entire posts out of comments that even other commenters have ignored? It was time for a Jake Watch Investigation.

My first stop was the vital information provided by my set of "Heartthrobs of the Aughts" Jake Watch premiere trading cards:

From this, I was able to deduce what elementary visual analysis had already told me: Jake is taller.

This wasn't enough to go on, though. I was forced to sit down and draw up a comprehensive list of everything I knew about both individuals and then compare their attributes in a highly biased manner. My results:

Primary Audience:
Zac: People younger than Zac (and PG - tell no one!).
Jake: People older than Jake (and PG).
Winner: Jake. Age and wisdom go hand-in-hand, duh. Plus, the lack of shame.

Awards:
Zac: Young Hollywood Award, Teen Choice Award.
Jake: Young Hollywood Award, BAFTA, Oscar nom, MTV Movie Award, a bunch of other stuff.
Winner: Jake. For the Best Kiss thing, of course.

Official Site:
Zac: None. [Edit: Oops. Apparently he does have an official site but I can't look at it or else I'd have to change the winner.]
Jake: This mess.
Winner: Jake, by default.

Singing Credentials:
Zac: High School Musical 1 & 2; Hairspray
Jake: One failed Moulin Rouge audition and an SNL skit in drag.
Winner: Jake, but only because I'm making Jake the winner in all the categories.

Dancing Credentials:
Zac: See above.
Jake: The Santa Dance, the Donnie Darko Production Diary Dance, and This Dance.
Winner: Jake, because nothing defeats the Santa Dance.

Rumored G-fri:
Zac: High School Musical co-star Vanessa Hudgens.
Jake: Rendition co-star Reese Witherspoon.
Winner: Jake, on account of being man enough to date someone more famous than he is.

Internet Gayness Factor (numbers subject to change on a daily basis):
Zac: 996,000 hits on Google.
Jake: 900,000 hits on Google.
Winner: Well, hot damn. Zac has more results than Jake? I'm forced to ruin the winning streak and give this one to Zac.

Likelihood He'll Be Mistaken For a Girl:
Zac: 65%
Jake: 0%
Winner: Jake.

Likelihood People in Siberia Know Who He Is:
Zac: 25%, as "that kid from that Disney movie."
Jake: 25%, as "that kid from that gay movie."
Winner: Draw.

What's Next:
Zac: Footloose: The Remake
Jake: President
Winner: Hail to the chief!

Final Tally:
Zac: 1
Jake: 8
Draws: 1

In conclusion: Sorry World Consumers of Pop Culture, but you are wrong! Zac Efron is not as wonderful as Jake Gyllenhaal. My highly scientific method of comparing the two has shown that Jake is at least 7 times better. AND he's taller!

And as for my own question...turns out yeah. This was definitely all done because there's no news.

Speaking of Jake as President, turns out this information has somehow been left out of his Wikipedia article. I'm scandalized! Regardless of this audacious oversight, Jake's article is being featured today on the Wikipedia main page. Unlike Zac Efron's.

Zac Efron info from IMDb and the knowledge gained from the embarrassing number of times PG has seen Hairspray and the two High School Musicals. Big thanks to Sarah920 for the Wikipedia info and bmg for the unintentional inspiration. ;)

The Beverly Hills Hillbilly

While Elly May was back home roastin' up some roadkill, Jed Clampett braved them citified folks to get some moonshine. They's plannin' on gettin' in that cement pond after dinner. Life for them Clampett's just ain't been the same since they hit it big with that crude. Oil, that is. Black gold. Texas tea. It's all swimming pools and movie stars...

Picture from the fine people at US.

Good Old Fashioned Stalking...

...from the comfort of your own home...or someone else's...

Jake Gyllenhaal does Forrest Gump

Thanks to Felicia for the find!

We're sort of boycotting the Broadway rumors...

...because it's all very nebulous and Jake hasn't called us yet to confirm, so we figure it can't be set in stone just yet. (If you're wondering, these are the same rumors from June but with a different director and release date...or is it run date? Start date? My technical vocabulary is lacking.) So instead, how about we all sit around and watch an old interview with Matt Lauer? It's less random than it sounds because he's interviewing Jake!

Thanks to Penny Lane for finding this!

The Anti-Climax of the Year

Approximately 10 months ago a babe was born in a stable and/or expensive private natal unit. Lo, the fandom of Jake Watch did gather and presented the child with gold, frankincense and panda. Mostly panda. Then one of the wise bloggers was spoken to quite rudely and the other wise blogger expressed regret that the money hadn't been spent on gin and lottery tickets. So it was never mentioned again...until today.

Quote of the Week

"And I think it's so important to get an education, so to inform your work, and interpret the text so you can understand the subtext and the underlying meaning of the text...you know...I just believe that it's so important. At the same time focusing on school, not trying to be pulled in by my passion...I mean it's really hard to be sitting here and doing this and be talking about something you love more than anything in your life and also knowing...AND I love school so much...and know that I need that so that hopefully I can...again hopefully...have a good career."

- Jake "subtext is actually the same thing as the underlying meaning of the text" Gyllenhaal

I'd say the underlying meaning of the text in this quote was that Jake was told by the parental units that he had to finish school and he was trying to reconcile that with his genuine passion for acting. Oooh, I should be a psychologist!

Quote from my secret October Sky stash

Jake Watch Guide to Raceday Etiquette

We here at Jake Watch are all about physical fitness (as of today). That's why when we found out that Jake ran a 5k race yesterday, we decided to take that experience and use it as an educational opportunity. Using her extensive knowledge gained from participating in ten or fewer 5k's, PG presents to you...

Running a 5K: Basics for Beginners, with Jake Gyllenhaal

What to Wear:

Always a beacon of fashion, Jake shows off classic "beginner style" 5k wear:
1. A cooling haircut, ideal for men. (Ponytails are recommended for the fairer sex.)

2. Seen mostly on walkers in the back, Jake breaks tradition by charging up front in the light-colored race-day t-shirt that comes in all registration packs. Designed by local artists, this brightly-colored abstract work of art will be thrown into the back of your dresser after the race and never worn again. Your race number is best displayed at bellybutton-level and can be attached with anywhere from 2 or 4 safety pins...it's up to you!

3. Running shoes and ankle socks. No knee-highs here; it's all about showing off your man-legs.

Career 5k-ers will likely invest in a get-up more like that of the gentleman to the right of Jake (marked *). In other circumstances, his indecently short shorts and sweat-wicking tank would get some scandalized stares. On race day, they are the proud badges of someone who knows what they're doing.

Who You're Running With:
They show up to every 5k across the country. They are:

1 and 2. The "Blatant Stalker" Guys. Usually ogling girls in sports bras, these particular stalkers are distracted by the movie star in their midst.

3. The "Run Around Before the Race" Guy. By the time you drag yourself to the course at whatever godforsaken early hour of the morning, this guy has been running the track for hours. He will finish before you and continue to run until everyone else has crossed the finish line. He makes sure you know he's more in shape than you are and that for him, running is fun!

4. The "I Love the '90's" Guy. This guy loves his hypercolored shirts and patterned shorts. He even wears high-tops...and he will fly past your sorry ass while you're laughing at what he's wearing. Turns out those are his lucky clothes that he's worn to every 5k since 1991. They haven't failed him, yet!

5. The "Local Celebrity" Guy. In Memphis, this guy is Action News 5 anchor, Joe Birch. In Chilmark, apparently it's Jake Gyllenhaal.

6. Your Grandpa. He will beat your time by at least 20 minutes.
7. The "Oh-My-God-I-Spotted-The-Local-Celebrity!" Guy. He always works his way up to the front of the crowd before the race starts so that he doesn't miss any of the excitement. He will fall to the back by Mile 2.

8. The "I'm Hot When I'm Shirtless" Guy. For this guy, the race is an opportunity to show off his tight abs and run around half-nekked. One smoldering look into the camera and he's ready for the ladies. Race? What race?

9. The "Clueless" Guy. While everyone else is gearing up to run, he's idly standing around looking at his own hand.

10. The "Fearless Female." The one woman who dares to work her way to the front of the line with all the manly men. She will not finish first, but dammit, she will finish before the local celebrity.

***

Hey, showing up well-dressed and knowing who you're up again is half the battle! The actual running part is more of a sidenote. We're not sure what training regimen Jake sticks to, but judging by his time (19:38, holy shit!) we'd say he's slightly better at this running thing than PG.

HUGE thanks to Felicia for this find! :)

So. New Line Cinema...

...nice site. Nice big close-up of Jake there (click on his name if he doesn't automatically pop up), good atmospheric Photoshop rendering in the background (those grainy explosion graphics scream "Oscar!"), a little sparse on the details (where is my TortureScene!Jake wallpaper and AIM icon??) but you're just getting going, so OK. I can wait for a synopsis longer than a paragraph, but only because the picture of Jake is so hot. Let's see, what else? Jake's name is first, good, and we've got an official release date (October 19th it is!), good. It's all looking really good...until I look up at the top of my browser and see the word "Rendition" MISSPELLED. Dear Lord in heaven. You went to all the trouble of creating changeable skins and you didn't even spell the movie title correctly. That probably cost you the Oscar right there.

EDIT: Spelling error has been corrected. Academy Award back in play.

For more accurately spelled information on Rendition, HERE is a nice little article about how the movie is Serious and Not Fun. Consider this your reading assignment for the weekend. Be ready to discuss important topics, such as the defining characteristics of a Message Picture and the rationale behind inserting that particular picture of Reese Witherspoon into the article.

Thanks to Penny Lane for the info!!

Jake in '08: Campaign Finance Update

As I'm sure everyone noticed, Jake's Reese-happy rendezvous in Los Angeles was short-lived, and he is now back on the campaign trail...hey, Jake, seriously, do not ruin this post for us by showing up in paparazzi pictures today, 'kay? Er, as I was saying, Jake is back campaigning hard, but is it hard enough? HIGHLY disturbing intel from a legitimately, uh, legitimate source has shaken the campaign efforts to the core. You heard it here first: the Gyllenhaals have not monetarily contributed to the Jake in '08 campaign. Scandal!

All this from The Huffington Post, which has come forth with a hard-hitting piece of political journalism detailing the campaign contributions of celebrities. It was no surprise to anyone that Kelsey Grammar is the only person in Hollywood bold enough to give to a Republican, but readers were shocked, nay horrified, to read this in the second paragraph:

"The Sheen/Estevez clan, Martin, Charlie and Emilio, all turn up empty, ditto all four Baldwin brothers and the Gyllenhaals."

When pressed for comment, Jake told us, "I don't know, maybe it has something to do with Jake Watch backing my campaign? Why the hell were all the doorknobs in my parents' house wet?" Whoa, about a nine on the tension scale there, Jake. He was, unfortunately, referring to britpopbaby and Prophecy Girl's month-long stay in the Gyllenhaal family home, during which time some pretty weird shit went on. (From britpopbaby's diary: "I just sat in the kitchen sink today, because I know Jake has scrubbed vegetables in that sink, and I just wanted to be part of that experience.") The elder Gyllenhaals' wish to separate themselves from the Jake Watch name was a hard blow, but perhaps understandable since the organization and its leaders are so goddamned strange.

Also upsetting campaign morale is the newest attack on Jake's character, not from those wily Stewart/Colbert boneheads this time, but from the potential upset candidate, Jack Bauer. Bauer's likely running mate, Eugen from Romania, held a press conference early Thursday. "How could you vote for Jake? He's a disgrace to the family name! His name basically means 'dude who loves butterflies and shit'* and he tortures bugs for fun! Watch this!" Eugen then dramatically pulled up YouTube and showed the following video:

Team Gyllenhaal responded promptly saying that the film's poor sound quality had led to a tragic misinterpretation. Jake was not talking about killing insects with a magnifying glass, but rather studying them up close because at that point in his life, he ambitiously dreamed of growing up to be an entomologist (a goal shared by Prophecy Girl). Jake's final comment on the matter? "To think that my love of Coleoptera would be used against me for such political malevolence hurts me on a deeply personal level. My only hope is that this injustice will cause my parents to reconsider and contribute to my campaign so that stupid Jack Bauer, and his hexapod-hating self, doesn't bring about the same downfall to the American people that he already has to Class Insecta."

Well said, Jake Gyllenhaal. Well fucking said.


*Direct quote from Jake's appearance on the The Late Show with David Letterman while he was promoting October Sky: "My great great great great great great great great great great grandfather was a butterfly catcher and cataloger...he was actually asked by the king or queen of Sweden...to a catalog butterflies for the kingdom. And he put them in the golden hall right outside the castle. And he ordained him the court butterfly catcher, gave him a coat of arms, and now we are named golden hall or Gyllenhaal."

Thanks to Penny Lane for the Huffington Post find and Welliwont for tracking down insect-killer Jake.

Help! I Need Somebody. Help! Not Just Anybody...

Got a problem? Probably. Need a solution? Definitely. Panic no more my friends because Jake Watch's very own agony aunt, Madame Swiss, is opening up her column, and her heart, and perhaps her legs, to those in dire straights today.

Yes, cashing in on our understanding that Jake Watch can help people through those particularly difficult periods that may or may not involved Oscar-winning actresses, we introduce our newest feature, "Ask Jake Watch". Audience participation: BYOD!

Not one to shy away from work, Madame Swiss jumps straight in with this week's troubled reader.

Dear Madame Swiss,
I have a really embrassing problem. Every time I think of Jake Gyllenhaal, my pants burst into flames. It's really noticeable and I think people at work are starting to talk about me. Any suggestions?
Scorched, 24, Alabama.

Madame Swiss: My dear, I suggest you stop wearing pants.

If there is any problem you would like some advice on, please contact us today at contact@jakewatch.com. Please note: Frank Boulevard and Terence: Office Dog may be drafted in to help with responses.

Indecently Suggestive Quote of the Week

"Yeah, actually, in fact, the day before we started shooting, we decided we would all go into the backwoods of Tennessee and fool around. In fact, we went to a national park and went to the wrong area of the park and were asked to leave by one of the park rangers because we were screwing around."

- Jake, when he was knee-high to a grasshopper

So the truth is out. Model youth Jake Gyllenhaal was thrown out of the backwoods of Tennessee for acting inappropriately. As a native of Tennessee, I can tell you that that is quite an accomplishment.

Picture and quote circa October Sky.

Rendition Trailer: Digested, Discussed, Dissected

I was feeling alliterative. If the release of a Jake-related movie trailer isn't reason enough to use repetitive initial consonants, then what is? So, I was really only watching "Entertainment Tonight" because I was interested in Britney's out-of-control bodyguard, but lo and behold they happened to be premiering the Rendition trailer tonight, too. Except that was sort of a lie because it was more like they were showing a few clips from the movie while talking over everything to explain very basic plot points.

But let's pretend it was a real trailer, shall we? A run-down:

EDIT! It should be noted that within a half an hour of this being posted, the honest-to-God real trailer showed up. You can watch it HERE. Most of Jake's scenes in the trailer are the same as shown in the Entertainment Tonight "first look." Now back to my suddenly-worthless recap of the not-trailer:

0:00 - Reese looks distressed. Snap judgment: her husband in this movie is kinda hot.

0:14 - Jake shows up. He's sitting in a car. By now, we all know that's something he's good at.

0:15 - Jake walks down a hall looking important.

0:16 - Jake talks to someone in a dimly lit room.

0:17 - Jake dejectedly puts his head in his hands as if to say, "Damn, this would have been so much better if this was an actual trailer."

0:18 - Someone's shirt is being cut off, but it's not Jake's. A harbinger of how the rest of this "first look" is going to go for us.

0:25 - Jake walks importantly into a room while a shirtless man (Reese's husband, I believe) gets all weepy on us. Jake seems too manly to care.

0:31 - Sarsy shows up (DUDE, we've missed you!) to explain the title of the movie to Reese.

0:41 - The voice of Jake! I try to pay attention but I'm distracted by his massively overgrown hair and dimly lit profile.

0:45 - Holy shit! Jake goes all Tony Swofford on our asses, which is to say he grabs the shirtless man by the neck in a decidedly non-sexual manner and says, "Explain the phone calls," in an intense voice. Non-sexual for Reese's husband, perhaps, but a different story for those of us at home.

0:50 - Jake almost gets blown up in his car. I try to worry but the scene ends too quickly for me to emote.

0:52 - Jake walks down a dark hall with Reese's hubby. Voice-over guy tells us that the movie will open October 19. So either ET or IMDb is lying. Dammit! Are there never any easy answers?!

1:00 - Reese screams. Probably because this was way too short and has far too little Jake.

I should add that the segue into the Rendition "first look" involved talking about Matt Damon and Joaquin Phoenix originally being considered for the roles of Jack and Ennis (what?! no!). I shudder to think what my life would have been like if this casting disaster taken place.

I'm sure this will show up on YouTube in no time...when it does, you'd do well to ignore my time stamps as they were only rough approximations based on my crappy VCR timer.



Screencaps courtesy of Team IHJ.

It's okay...

...no, really. It's all going to be fine. But we're a little concerned by your reactions. In the past 24 hours, you guys have said stuff like, "Awwwwww!" and "Squeeeeeeeeeeeee!" and "This is more fun that Survivor!"

What the hell is wrong with you people?! Jake is dating someone and it's NOT YOU!!! We have spent 16 months bonding over the hotness and singleness that is Jake Gyllenhaal and now one of those two factors is no longer working in our favor. Don't put up a front for our sakes. We know you're sad. We know you're secretly cursing Reese Witherspoon's name. We know that every day that Jake spends sitting complacently in a car with Reese is a day he is not sitting complacently in a car with you. It's okay to be upset. Quite frankly, we think your euphoric responses are weird and likely due to shock.

Which is why Jake Watch is proudly presenting the..

Jake-Has-A-Girlfriend Disaster Kit - Reese Witherspoon Edition
(aka The Man of Your Dreams Has Himself a Woman and You Need Help Kit)

For your kit, you will need*:

1. A garbage bag, for your Legally Blonde DVD's. Not going to be needing those anymore...

2. A cave, in which to live. If you're going to minimize your exposure to all things Jeese, you're going to have to take drastic measures to quarantine yourself from all media coverage. However, you will have to go out at some point, so you'll need...

3. Ear muffs, a sleeping mask, and a seeing eye dog. Reduce your primary senses as much as possible and then use the dog to navigate. You will not see the cover of US Weekly, nor hear the E! News reports, but you will still be able to buy your...

4. Liquor. Lots of it (we suggest gin). It'll be easier to get through this if you're drunk. You'll also need...

5. Tissues, for crying yourself to sleep at night. Drinking will probably make you weepy as will the fact that JAKE HAS A FREAKING GIRLFRIEND. You'll want some company, too, so how about your...

6. Jarhead DVD. Jake with a killer body and no significant other after the first half hour. Perfect for revving up your fantasy life again. Speaking of which, how about some...

7. Pictures of Jake, to tape to your pillow. That way he will never leave your bed. Even Reese can't say that. And finally...

8. Chocolate. A wise woman once said, "There is no problem that cannot be solved with chocolate." Indulge yourself. You've earned it.

And stop acting like you're all happy. For God's sake it's creepy. No one's going to think less of you for being disappointed. Just know that we here at Jake Watch have put our kits to work and are already starting to forget... Jake and who? What?**

Your personal Jake therapists,
britpopbaby and Prophecy Girl

* Most items can be found at your local grocery store. Maybe not the cave.
** The Official Jake Watch Mentality on the matter.