Jake, there are some things I can cope with - the incessant gay rumours, the Wolverine look, the long distance one-sided nature of our relationship and even the clogs but I will NOT tolerate you going behind my back and coping a look AND a feel of Eva Mendes! Do you understand me, Jake? I'm going to let this one slide for now because I understand you were excited about your win and because I love you but if I EVER catch you sneaking a look at another woman's chest again I'm turning this blog into 'Russell Brand Watch' - at least he comes round to entertain me every Tuesday to Friday. Sort of. I will not be your doormat, Jake. I just won't! Now, if you'll excuse me I must go and collaspe in the drawing room and then hurl whiskey tumblers at the maid.