A HALLOWEEN FILM PITCH TO JAKE BY BRITPOPBABY

So Jake, I was thinking of what to post on Jake Watch for Halloween and, to be honest, I was a little stumped because you've never been in a scary movie ever, unless you count Donnie Darko, which I don't, or Proof. So then I thought about authorising an official Jake Watch Halloween party but Prophecy Girl had trouble photoshopping Casper The Friendly Ghost's face onto your body and I really don't know much about Halloween parties anyway cos I'm British so I gave up on that idea. Then I was just going to post some more of Anneka's October Sky but that's not very Halloween-y is it?

Anyway, Jake, whilst I was pondering what to do I had an AWESOME idea. It goes like this: I reckon you should remake Carrie but with a masculine angle. Crazy, I know but hear me out.

Jake, (playing Carl) is in the showers at school, soaping himself all over, when his voice breaks. Jake (Carl) freaks out because his overprotective parents (who recognised his total hotness from an early age) decided not to tell him about 'growing up' in order to shield him from the advances of all the hot honeys and hell, it's the 70's, fellas too.

Jake (as Carl) has no friends at school because their all totally jealous. They mock him and throw, er, jock straps at him. The Gym teacher, Mr Snell (played by Kevin Spacey in really tight shorts), is all like, 'Bitches! Get offa him!". He's so mad at the other boys for being mean to Jake (Carl), that and they almost pinged a jock strap in his beautiful, beautiful eyes, he punishes them to pushups and stuff after school (other boys may be played be assorted fitties including Wentworth Miller, Eddie Cahill and anyone else you can think of because really, there is only enough room in my brain for you, Jake. Heath = too high brow/indie/expensive).

So the other boys are a little pissed about this and Wentworth gets his boyfriend, Peter Sarsgaard as John Travolta, to find a pig, slaughter it and then hang a bucket of it's blood above the stage at the school Prom. By this point Eddie Cahill has persuaded his boyfriend to ask Jake (Carl) to the the prom. Wait, we need someone with a blond-fro to play Jake's prom date...but who? Ooo! Heath! Forget what I said before. So, anyway, Heath (blond-fro) takes Jake (Carl) to the prom and everything's going totally great. Apart from Jake's (Carl's) parents who are now in a trance, locked in the cellar or something.

So we're at the prom (theme is Wild Wild West - have you pictured it? Good.) and Jake (Carl) is wearing this gorgeous peach/pink gown he made himself and he totally has the figure for it - all the other boys are jealous, yet again. We do some dancing, some Kevin Spacey hugging, and now we're voting for prom King and Queen. God, I'm excited. Wentworth Miller's evil bumchums have fixed the vote to let Heath (blond-fro) and Jake (Carl) win. They're up on stage, Jake (Carl) is all freakin excited because he now feels all popular and like he's finally been accepted by his peers - but he totally hasn't, just wait. Eddie Cahill sneaks in round the back and tries to warn everyone, including Kevin Spacey, but they ignore him. How that is even possible because he's like a 6ft 3 inch sex muffin, but anyway...Sarsy, or maybe Wentworth Miller pull the string and all the pig's blood goes ALL OVER Jake (Carl).

Man! What a freakin' mess. Jake (Carl) is furious, especially as the bucket hit Heath over the head and knocked him out for count. So Jake's eyes go like, really blue, and his hair, despite the blood looks amazing, and now you can see his chest properly and god, he is RIPPED. Everyone in the hall is just completely mesmerised by how hot he is and they all start to explode. Even Kevin Spacey. So there's bits of people everywhere but Jake (Carl) just walks out of there, still making people explode in his mere presence as he passes them. Just cos he's THAT HOT.

The end.

It needs a few kinks working out but what do ya reckon? I think it has 'cult classic' written all over it. HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

SUNDAY PROJECT OF MAMMOTH PROPORTIONS

Well before I go off and eat my lentil and bean soup I thought I better give you something to do.

Over here in britpopbaby world I'm still celebrating the fact that Jake Watch made it to six months. It's the longest relationship I've ever had. So I'm going to ask us all to look back into the past and made a very important decision...

I need your top five most favourite Jake Watch posts, like EVER! Stat!

If you need any help the archives are to your right and down and the emergency exits are here, here and here.

AN EVENING WITH THE GILDED MOOSE

If there is one thing Jake Watch is ALL about it's hard hitting journalism. After the success of our last celebrity interview, imagine our excitement when we got a suspicious midnight phone call with heavy breathing from none other than star-stalker and sarc-miester extraordinaire The Gilded Moose!!

What he doesn't know about Jake Gyllenhaal (and Star Jones) isn't worth knowing. But what about his views, his opinions, his inner most desires? Read on to find out what happened when britpopbaby met Moose and asked him some stuff about Jake. Please ignore all references to prison rape.

Jake enjoys as much popularity as one could hope for at your blog. What do you think it is about the Gyllenhaal that people find so inoffensive and almost likeable? Is it his cow eyes?
I think people really like the fact that a black woman has come so far. That and he was great in "Mean Girls."

A few years back, everyone was like, 'Who the fuck is Jake Gyllenhaal?'. When do you think his big turning point came?
Probably the sex tape.

It helped George Clooney's career too. Now, Jake is regarded as a somewhat 'safe' and 'not coked-out' celebrity. What do you think he could do to 'raise his game' and ensure he's up there with the likes of Star Jones, Courtney Love and Firecrotch?
Well, my favorite paparazzi picture ever is the one from a few years ago where they had Courtney Love handcuffed to the stretcher after she OD'd again and she was, for some reason that must have been apparent to her but was not apparent to anyone else, wearing a wedding dress. This was also when she was mixing drug abuse and cosmetic surgery decisions which, incidentally, is not the best idea. God, I love that woman. So yeah, Jake should OD while wearing a wedding dress.

Maybe he can try that out at his sister's and his sister's fiancé’s forthcoming nuptials? What about Jake's love life? We all orgasm over a big celebrity romance so who do you reckon Jake should get hitched to for 48 hours?
Anna Wintour. I always like those celebrity relationships that people are uncomfortable with but are forced to consider. I mean, I think they'd be cute together, don't you?

Like Liza Minelli and David Guest...only not? Yeah I guess; she's more attractive than Kirsten Dunst, I'll give her that. But I think she'd eat Jake for breakfast using this season's hottest Prada shoes as cutlery.

(brief pause as everyone pictures that)

Let's talk about Jake's career for a moment; we've discussed his turning point but what about his biggest accomplishment critically speaking? When you think 'Jake Gyllenhaal' which piece of cinematic art immediately comes to mind?
I really liked The Good Girl. I'm not sure why since it wasn't that great, but I still like it. I don't know... I don't think he's done anything "great" yet, but hopefully soon. I

Did you just stop mid-sentence there? I hope for your own safety you were being sarcastic.
Whoops, sorry. This is what happens when you give an interview from prison. I was being sarcastic! He was great in Donnie Darko but I'd like to see him in some more mainstream stuff, just, you know, for kicks.

Perhaps his own marital arts film franchise? With Owen Wilson? Or something with robots. Here is a controversial one for you; say Jake is gay, what do you think would happen to the world if he were to come out? Do you think everyone in South Carolina would burn their The Day After Tomorrow DVDs?

Off topic: I know a song about prison rape called, 'He Almost Looks Like You'

Thankfully, South Carolina is still using betamax, so, no, they won't be burning the new fangled DVD's. I'm sure no one would give a shit. Look at what it's done for Lance Bass and his eyebrows.
Off topic: that’s sounds good, although some readers were mad at me for making a rape joke so I'll refrain from commenting .. sheesh, what is the world coming too? I mean, 'The Producers' was in the 60's and they were doing nazi jokes. We're totally regressing.

Prison rape is funny, especially if Michael Clarke Duncan makes you his bitch. Speaking of bitches, are you outraged or incensed or both that Jake has left his beloved sidekicks, Atticus and Boo, alone in LA for so long whilst he jaunts around the world? Should we ring the animal cops?
Yes! Since that means he's left them in the care of Kirsten Dunst. But, then again, after I saw Marie Antoinette maybe she's good with dogs. Wait... was her dog in that flick Boo? Holy shit I think I've just unearthed some breaking news as we speak.

Holy shit you've just confused me! I like to think Boo and Atticus are whoring it out at that special doggy hotel where they get back rubs and pedicures by illegal immigrants, either that or he sold them into the Chinese fur trade. Should we get down to the nitty gritty stuff? The real issues? What coffee does Jake drink from Coffee Bean?
Hmm... I think he's seasonal. Pumpkin Latte in the fall. Mint Breezer for spring. Mango Quencher in summer... you know, mix it up. Live free.

You'll have to excuse me as I'm from the old world - does that shit seriously exist? Maybe he drinks tea? What do you think about Jake's relationship with Matty McCoganinny and Lance (the riding one)? I only have one more question for you after this so make the most of it.
Yes. It's real. never underestimate our ability to commercialize anything, even the various seasons. That said, the Starbucks pumpkin spice latte is better than The Beatles. I think those publicity friendships are weird. Like, they're totally fake and everyone knows it but I just feel for them. Having to hang out with people you don't like just so people can take your picture - it’s like Christmastime for everyone else. And I'm against those little yellow wrist bands that support Lance's balls. Do you have those there? I hope you set up a naval blockade.

We only use them to ping at Bob Geldof's smug face when we run out of the white ones. And when we run out of Bob Geldof face we move onto Bono face. I'm not a big fan of any kind of charity, except, obviously saving the Red Panda.

(brief pause whilst britpopbaby makes her 'I'm gonna get you Geldof' face)

Looking to the future for Jake, we here at Jake Watch see him as President of the World (currently known as President of the USA). Are we bat shit crazy or right on the money? Can he beat Oprah to being the first female black lesbian president?
Well, I kind of feel bad talking about Jake at all, considering the recent news that he was just eaten by a school of hammerhead sharks. Oh, well.

Dude, maybe we should get some commerative plastic wrist bands with all donations going to us?
Yeah. I think the best way to commemorate a tragic celebrity death is always through cheap, brightly colored plastic wristbands. It's what Jesus would've wanted.

And Bono, who let's face it, is more important than Jesus.

(brief pause to debate who is more important, Bono or Jesus. Conclusion: Bono)

I guess we've exhausted the Jake line of questioning - anything else you'd like to make known before we call it a puggle?
Well, first of all, thanks for the interview. Prison can get lonely, so this helps. I guess if there's one thing I'd like people to know is to not believe the rumors about The Gilded Moose African Adoption Scandal. That fucking baby is mine, fair and square.

Maybe you'd like to say something in remembrance of Jake?
Well, even though he is now just shreds of flesh at the bottom of a hammerhead shark tank, we'll always remember him as Maggie's brother. Goodbye Jake!

Thanks for your time, Moose. I know they limit internet access in prison, especially to me after they caught me repeatedly trying to marry inmates on death row, so I really appreciate it. But what am I supposed to do with my blog now Jake is dead?
DEAD JAKE WATCH!

I think you've been away from civilised society for too long. I was thinking 'Carmine Giovinazzo Watch' or how about 'Ashley Angel Parker Watch'?
Kirsten Dunst Watch? There's probably no one doing that.

No offence but I’d rather watch threads of my lovely Jakey swirling around in a bloody pool. Thanks, Moose, this one's for you...

There's a full moon shining down on a stainless toliet bowl
This 8 by 12 room shrinks everytime that I've been on parole

It was a snaffu now I'm missing you and holed up in this Penn
And there's a tattoo on my ass that says that I belong to him

My cell mate beats me black and blue, but in the dark it's true...
He almost looks like you...oo,oo,oo,oo...

OCTOBER SKY PART 1

Remember when I asked you which film you'd like to see reviewed next and you arkward sods chose Brokeback Mountain? Well tough, cos Anneka has reviewed October Sky instead.

Welcome to Anneka’s Picture House. BYO usherette.

Ah Autumn. Is there any finer time of the year? Yes. Summer. But anyway, let’s celebrate Autumn, not by dressing up and asking strangers for sweets – we can do that any old weekend. Instead, let’s watch my new favourite Jake film, October Sky. Despite what piss I might rip out of it in the near future, it’s ace, see it.

Adverts. If I started a woman’s insurance company called Diamond, it would have taken me a lot less than two years to come up with the slogan ‘Diamond is a girl’s best friend’. Maybe I should work in advertising…Maybe I should get on with the review

Film’s starting. Voice Over informs us that the Russians have launched a satellite into orbit. Good for them. Shots of a depressing looking coal mine like the one I worked in as a child when times were hard and I slept in the piano stool. Shots of grubby miners looking depressed. They should be. Working in a Movie Mine, you are guaranteed an accident. People gather around their radios, hearing about Sputnik, the satellite and also the name of my fake Auntie’s dog. Small world. The barber’s stopped shaving someone’s face. That’s not how you make money son. And now the Commies are spying on you, you wanna work twice as hard before they take your money, divide it amongst everyone and send you to a commune where you’ll be paid in carrots. That’s what Marx wanted, right?

Voice Over tells us Sputnik will be visible at night as it crosses the October Sky. There’s a group of people who go to the cinema and when they hear the name of the film uttered e.g. “Welcome to the Moulin Rouge!”, “You’re the wedding singer” or “Lil shop, lil shop of horrors”, they stand up, applaud, and leave. Bet they were pissed off at having to sit through all three Lord of the Rings films waiting for someone to say “Frodo, truly you are Lord of The Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring can now depart”. We are informed this is based on a true story. October Sky, not Lord of the Rings.

Jake’s friends have come to pick him up in their car. Jake’s sporting a cute Southern accent. I do loves my Southern Gentlemen, sitting on the porch of my plantation, telling me life is like a boxa choclits while Atlanta burns in the distance. Jake’s one friend appears to be called Row-Lee, but I may be having some trouble with Jake’s accent. We are in Coalwood, West Virginia. Somebody certainly used their imaginations when naming the town with the coal mine. Row-Lee’s car is very slow. I see where this is going. They’re going to be inspired by Sputnik to try and get around by rocket power!

Jake is playing football. His brother asks the opposing team to go easy on him. But Jake’s a tough guy. He’ll kick their asses so hard…Nope, Jake’s sprawled on his back. Just how we like him. Evil chuckle. Jake tries to psyche the other team out. “I’m gonna run right over you, you sonofabitch.” The guy on the other team looks scared, not ’cos he’s threatened but because Jake is being weird. Jake predictably gets knocked down. Medic! Medic! The coach sends Homer (Jake) off before he dies. Jake looks disappointed. Has anyone ever known anyone called Homer that wasn’t a cartoon character or a Greek poet?

Cut to Other Friend trying to start the car while Jake and Row-Lee push it. See, now my rocket power transportation idea doesn’t seem so stupid, does it? Jake is moaning about the football players getting scholarships. Now they’re reading about Sputnik. Row-Lee says “Who needs outer space? We got rock and roll.” Beneath the attractive haircut, a brain full of bran. Jake’s Movie Dad appears to be the Nazi Plate Collector from American Beauty, but with more coal dust on his face as we hear him yelling at a character named Jake down the mine. That’s a happy coincidence. Nazi Plate Collector sees a guy whacking a pillar with a sledge hammer. That’s a real clever thing to do down a coalmine, Jensen. Nazi Plate Collector jumps on Jensen and the roof collapses. Ten minutes in and we’ve already got our first coal mine disaster. That could be a record.

Above ground, sirens are going off. Jake and Friends run to the mine, ’cos they’re nosey bitches. Jensen is told that Nazi Plate Collector saved his life. Jake looks so proud, his baby blues sparkling like diamonds in the coal dust as he says, “That’s my Dad.” Then Nazi Plate Collector fires Jensen for bringing the roof down, which is fair play. Would you want to be working in a mine with someone who had a history of doing that? Everyone else seems pissed at Nazi Plate Collector, including Jake who says in a less proud voice, “That’s my Dad.” Nazi Plate Collector then comes to see Jake, asking how football went. Ooooooh, touchy subject NPC, like the Oscar going to Crash. NPC says Jake should shovel coal to build up his muscles. Yeah, and you know where you can stick that shovel NPC. Jake was meant to soar with the A-List, not dig in the dirt. Another miner comes along and makes fun of Jake for his aversion to coal mining. You wait til another roof collapses on you mate, won’t be laughing so hard then. Random miner says coming from Coalwood means you have to be a coal miner. Does that mean people from Liverpool have to have livers? Or pools? Jake looks v. unimpressed.

Coalwood school. Sam Neill’s Bit On The Side From Jurassic Park and Jurassic Park Three Claw Marks is making her class listen to the radio about Sputnik. Most of the class, except American Pie’s The Shermanator, are unimpressed. The Shermanator tells us some statistics while Jake makes eyes at some Susie Highschool bird across the classroom. Mrs Sam Neill shows off her southern accent and when she catches Jake drooling over Susie, says “I got my eye on you boy”. Back off Misses, you’re committed to Sam Neill. From the back of the classroom, a Plainer Jane makes longing eyes at Jake. I know how you feel love. Not about the plainer part. ’Cos I am one foxymoron.

People gather at night to watch the satellite passing by. One Cold War random says it’s taking pictures. Yeah, the Russians really want a picture of you. It’s Jake they’re after and he’s busy on the porch learning how to scam on chicks at movies, which somehow ends with Row-Lee giving Jake a nipple twist. Back off Row-Lee, Jake likes girls in this film as well. Someone shouts they can see it, the satellite not Jake’s nipple, and Jake takes the bait and comes off the porch. All the extras look up and point. A dot of light travels across the starry sky. Jake is suitably impressed and stays looking at it while everyone else pisses off home.

The next morning, Jake’s New Movie Mom is pouring tea – yay! – while NPC and Jake’s brother are chatting about football scouts and how proud NPC is of his oldest boy. In the middle of all this, Jake looks up from his breakfast with a big dopey grin on his face and says in his best Southern accent “I’m gonna build a rocket.” Awww, bless. NPC is unimpressed. New Movie Mom tells him not to blow himself up in the way that a teacher tells a small child not to hurt themselves with the safety scissors.

Jake’s friends come round to see him let off his first rocket. Just as Row-Lee asks if they should get behind something, the rocket explodes, throwing all three of them T over A and sprinkling them with bits of picket fence. New Movie Mom runs out and asks what happened. Jake says my bad. New Movie Mom says “Didn’t I tell you not to blow yourself up?”. Jake looks sheepish. Awww don’t embarrass him in front of Row-Lee and the other one.

Jake Voice Over reading a letter he’s written to some American rocket scientist that sounds like Doctor Van Damme. Doctor Jean-Claude Van Damme. Voice Over Jake sends his condolences as we watch an American rocket attempt explode, destroying all picket fences around it. Jake can’t find any reading material in Coalwood as during the coal shortage of ’49, all books were used as fuel. Jake eyes The Shermanator’s big book with a predatory look on his pretty face.
Jake’s friends try to talk him out of hanging with The Shermanator, it being social suicide. Jake gives Plainer Jane the brush-off and goes to talk to The Shermanator. The cafeteria goes silent. In a German accent, DA SHERMANATOR DOES NOT LET ANYVUN COPY HIS HOMEVORK. Awww, if he was not made of metal, or ginger, I’d hug him. Jake asks him if he knows about rockets. OF COURSE DA SHERMANATOR KNOWS ABOUT RACKETS. Jake wants him to go to the library with him. The Shermanator obviously computes this as some sort of sexual advance and doesn’t want to. Despite being stared at by everyone, Jake sits down. There are gasps among the cool students, like when super-stud Ross Townley sat at my lunch table once…Sorry, I was miles away. DA SHERMANATOR VANTS TO KNOW VAT JAKE VANTS TO KNOW ABOUT RACKETS. Jake gives a slightly evil smile and says everything. The Shermanator starts his computer programme that tells Jake everything about rockets. Jake orders Row-Lee to drive them to his house where they play in the basement, cutting up metal and brooms and mixing dangerous chemicals. They have a rocket-shaped implement but need to weld something onto it. Row-Lee points out that they don’t know how to weld. Well learn boy, learn! What use are you to us otherwise? Jake’ll kick you out of the Basement Gang for sure.

..............................

Tune in again soon for Part 2 and then maybe 3 or 4.

PROOF THAT MAYBE GOD REALLY DOES LOVE US

Brilliant!! (Did you know Peter is an Official Jake Watch Agent? 'Cause even if he doesn't know it, he totally is.)

JUST FYI

I know we're still a little icksnay on the erm, babynay but I thought you'd all like to know what we're spending the Jake Watch Piggy Bank funds on (aside from britpopbaby's gin and coke habit). At the last minute I backed out of buying a Tamarin because I thought, in the wrong situation, it might cause offense; as I learnt from my Carmine Giovinazzo experiment, my idea of 'cute' isn't always the same as everyone else's. So we 'sponsored' a Red Panda. His name is Maurice - well I don't know if that is his name but that's what I deemed he shall be known as. Below is the accompanying letter that may or may not have reached Maggie and Sarsy - Pops might have screwed it up and hurled it at the back of PG's head when she wasn't looking. Who knows?

When we first heard about you, Baby Ramona, we have to admit, we were pretty damn excited. And now here you are (we won’t mention that you decided to show up on the same day as Jake Watch’s sixth month anniversary thus stealing our thunder in a most spectacular manner. We’re cool).

With two talented and stunningly attractive parents we reckon you’re pretty much set but your arrival can not go unmarked without some amount of fanfare and purchasing of material objects by us, here at Jake Watch. But what to buy?

After much consideration, whimsical glowing rabbit toys, comedy baby-grows and any kind of donation to a charity of your choice were crossed off the list as we came to the obvious conclusion. What better start in life than your very own designer pet?

Now, we did want to send you the Red Panda, honestly we did, but apparently there are some ‘regulations’ and ‘laws’ that prevent the shipping of wild animals by Joe Public. Customs and Excise – they’re so uptight!

So, rest assured. The panda is yours, it just lives in a zoo on the other side of the Atlantic. We think it’ll work better this way and after all, as the zoo website tells us - You will understand that we often exchange animals with other zoos for breeding purposes, and - like us - they eventually die – best not to get too attached, eh?

Expect a certificate and some magazines about conservation and stuff soon. You officially own that Red Panda from the first of November. We suggest you name him Maurice.

Wishing you all the best,
The Jake Watch massive.

PS. You are now a member of the North of England Zoological Society. We’re not quite sure how that one happened.

-------------------

WHERE THE HELL IS BOO?

Off topic - looks like Peter's pregnant again. Damn, that was fast.

We here at Jake Watch have long been concerned about the welfare of dear Boo Radley Gyllenhaal, missing from all our lives for weeks...maybe months (really, who's counting?). Sad though it may be, it was no surprise when these otherwise genuinely intrusive paparazzi photos surfaced and it became clear that once again, Boo was missing in action.
Luckily for us, this is no two-bit spy operation we're running here and an agent was dispensed at once to assess the situation.
Unfortunately, said agent, uh, kinda sucked, and she was forced to flee when her position was compromised. Odd though, since she apparently showed up disguised as PG and that has proven to be a successful counter-detection tactic before (oooooooh, snap!). Too bad for her. It'll be desk duty from now on.

Attempts to contact Boo via MySpace have ended in frustration. His profile says he was on a couple days ago but he won't respond to my messages! Geez, Boo, where are you?

THE MOTHER OF ALL EXCLUSIVES

Remember THIS? Yeah, I completely forgot too but here it is, our interview with Mr Jake Gyllenhaal. I met Jake at The Dorchester in London to probe him about everything from soft drinks to American Idol. What follows is an exact transcript of our meeting. Enjoy.

britpopbaby enters the lounge, with a bottle of Gordon's concealed in her handbag, to find Jake sat on the very edge of a chaise longe and banging a teaspoon nervously on the coffee table.

First off Jake, I’d like to thank you for taking time out of your busy latte-drinking and bench-sitting schedule to join us here today for this exclusive The Daily Jake Watch interview. We really appreciate it.

Frankly you don't say no. I'm going to do anything I can for you. I'll throw up in the sand for you.

Well, we’d just like a bit of your time for a quick Q & A. No need for vomit.

Vomit's vomit.

Indeed.

(Jake wrings his hands and bounces up and down a little bit)

Great. An Oscar nominated performance, a Bafta win, two MTV movie awards and a puggle. It must be pretty great being Jake Gyllenhaal right now.
Who is Jake Gyllenhaal? Get me Jake Gyllenhaal! Get me someone who looks like Jake Gyllenhaal…who is Jake Gyllenhaal?

(britpopbaby opens her Gordon’s and takes a large swig)

Are you okay?
Do I have cow eyes?

Er…
Do I have sad eyes?

(silence)

Can we talk a little about your career? Brokeback Mountain has become a phenomenon. How much of that success was down to you, do you think?
Yeah, I mean, I think indirectly I had absolutely nothing to do with that.

(Jake stares off into distance)

But do you think the experience of that movie has changed you somewhat?
Brokeback got us good, don't it?

I guess. What about working with Ang Lee? That must have been an honour.
I didn't understand what he was talking about.

What about hobbies?
I made a new friend today.

(britpopbaby swigs more gin)

Real or imaginary?
Imaginary.

You enjoy cooking don’t you? I heard it was a passion of yours. Where’s your favourite place to eat here in London?
If, for some reason, you wanna be with me heart and soul, I'll be waiting for you at 5pm outside Chucky Cheese.

Okay. What about when you’re not cooking?

We live in a sad time where actors are politicians and go out in the mall wearing nothing but a pair of Speedos.

So you have an interest in politics then? Considered running for office in the future?
Well actually my mother's side are all scuba divers.

(Jake strokes leaves of nearby pot plant)

But you’re passionate about certain causes, aren’t you? Like voting?
Whether you're wearing a Santa cap over your dick or whether you're making love to Heath Ledger, voting is sexy.

I’m going to bring this down a level. Coca Cola or Pepsi?
I've never been asked a question like that before.

Do you like to watch TV?
There's inevitably a lot of talk about things like that

A fan of American Idol perhaps?
Clearly, it's pretty challenging material but obviously, it means a hundred million things to other people.

I suppose.

(britpopbaby attempts to flag down waitress to order a magarita. Jake pulls at tassles on a cushion)

There is a lot of interest in your love life at present. I imagine that’s pretty annoying for you so I may irritate you some more by asking about Kirsten Dunst?
She was sent in as Gargamel's evil spy with the intention of destroying the Smurf village. But the overwhelming goodness of the Smurf way of life transformed her.

And what about the Austin rumours?
It was great. The people there are wonderful. Everyone there was just great to us and it's such a beautiful place.

In a relationship at the moment?
Right now I'm playing by myself.

Finally, do you think it’s political correctness gone mad that you now have to call gingerbread ‘men’ gingerbread ‘people’?
It’s always about the process of figuring things out, and trying something new, and having another take on something and keeping it alive.

What?
I would really like people to know how I do like to take my clothes off.

I have to go now.
It was a freaky, awesome ride.

You’re a bit odd.
I was confused at times.

Thanks anyway.
When you fall asleep tonight, I'm gonna fart in your face.

(Jake keels over and falls off couch. britpopbaby staggers to the door.)

I TURN MY BACK FOR ONE FREAKIN' SECOND...

Okay, so for the past two days we've been a little preoccupied behaving like this:

In the mean time, Jake has been behaving like this:
We let our guard down for like, 48 hours, and an unauthorised female is ALL UP IN HIS FACE (sort of). Do we need to get you a frickin cage, Gyllenhaal? It's like we cannot have a day off.

Jake pic from IHJ. Fluffy, destroyer of worlds from britpopbaby's personal collection of 'mad dogs'.

PG'S OFFICIAL POETRY REPORT: RECENTLY DECLASSIFIED

Sorry for the delay, folks. That declassification process can be a bitch.

Location: The Batcave, New York City (aka "Zinc Poetry Bar" in Manhattan)
Subject: Gyllenhaal, Sr.
Agent(s): Prophecy Girl
Backup: Ally (International House of Japan) and Danielle (Sarsgaal Extraordinaire)

Background: PG, in an effort to maintain her secret identity, takes time off from her "day job," explaining she's "going on vacation." Employers seem to buy this scenario, however she is forced to use only non-Jake Watch funds in order to maintain the illusion.

Report:
Part A: The Reading
1. Seemingly goes well. Gyllenhaal, Sr. arrives late but no one notices because the surroundings are so dimly lit. PG doesn't want to attract attention to herself by flashing a picture but does manage to get a video which isn't terrible. But she's not going to post it because she's lazy.

2. Poems include the standards about Hollywood life (PG relates, as she, too, is fabulously rich and successful and has a gardener ;)), Gyllenmomma (who shows up late but doesn't actually make her way into The Batcave), and those Gyllenkids (still not really sure who they are).

Part B: The Meeting
1. Pre-reading, PG tries to make her move, but is thwarted when Gyllenhaal, Sr. is sidetracked by another poet. She waits patiently and accidentally overhears the location of other members of the family. She does not wish to disclose these exact whereabouts, though, because one time, at the first reading, someone else overheard a conversation and wrote about it and now there's weirdness over at another forum.

2. Initial contact is crucial to The Mission, so PG waits with Backups Ally and Danielle (hereafter referred to as Agent A and Agent D) after the reading for the line to die down. Agent A discloses that Classified Information was given to certain "fan sites" regarding a new member of the Gyllenhaal family and an entity known by code name "JustJared" purloined said story, which attracted the attention of US Weekly (a reputable magazine concerned only with maintaining the dignity of said "fan sites"). An unidentified family member known only as "Jake" was rumored to be upset because US Weekly has more funding than these "fan sites" and that's not really fair to the little guy. Or maybe it was because US Weekly discovered the baby's name and wanted to publish it. That part wasn't really clear.

3. Eventually contact is made. Gyllenhaal, Sr. seems to think PG has come to apologize. Apparently PG needs to "ask permission" before doing things like publishing the name of a baby somewhere where any JustJared could come along and steal it and ruin everything for everyone. PG refers back to the Classifed Archives File and finds this filed under "Permission to Publish Information Regarding the Gyllengaard Baby":

(In keeping with the recent trend of publishing the content of private e-mails, the following text has been lifted directly.)

Question:
AH!!!! That's so exciting!!!!!! Can I post this?!?!?!?

Response:
God, I wish you would!!!

4. Another topic of discussion is the paparazzi, and I think it's perfectly obvious that PG is at least partially responsible for this particular problem. She feels a certain kinship with these people who make the Gyllenhaal's lives unpleasant and also were so helpful in making sure she didn't get to talk to that Jake guy the following night, but really, she's trying to get over all that.

5. PG then gives Gyllenhaal, Sr. a birthday card from the fine people here at JW and also a card announcing the impending arrival of the Gyllengaard's new red panda (well, the certificate, not the panda itself, but only because we can't afford the shipping). She would be lying if she said she didn't feel like a total jackass to be doing this after being forced into an apology she didn't realize she was making and then told a bunch of stuff that didn't apply to her and made her feel really small and insignificant. She kinda thought the cards might offer a chance to redeem herself, but now she thinks she just made the situation worse.

6. PG then is humiliated further but doesn't really wish to disclose those details at this time because it would take too long to set up the scenario and this is already really long. Needless to say, she realizes her presence is no longer necessary and it's best to salvage what little is left of her dignity.

7. PG immediately begins to question how she will report this encounter to the general public but quickly realizes it doesn't matter in the least because it is painfully clear to her that no one has the slightest clue about this blog. So no, she's not worried about offending anyone.

8. PG feels a bit slighted because she has spent more than a few hours working on the Top Secret Official Stephen Gyllenhaal Website Project with her dear comrade britpopbaby (if you were wondering what this post was a while back, well, there you go). The two of them also worked hard on the Stephen Gyllenhaal Film Blog and also made certain rules concerning what would and would not be discussed on this blog because of information they believed was coming from the family itself. Despite all this, she's not suggesting that anyone owes her anything...except, well, maybe that dignity thing she mentioned in Point #6.

9. PG would like to add that if she comes off as sounding bitter, you should read what she wrote to britpopbaby immediately after the reading. The experience was so upsetting, she was ready to quit this blog. And there's a lot of stuff she could say that she's not because she's trying to convince herself she's not half as dispensable as the evening made her feel. :(

PROPHECY GIRL GETS REALLY CLOSE TO JAKE AND THEN HE COMPLETELY IGNORES HER

Just like we practiced in Covert Ops training! Except it was much more annoying in real life. I realize everyone is on edge to hear my side of the story on Stephen's reading, but that's going to have to wait until I get home, which is late tomorrow. So it could be a day or so. I'm sorry. But please bear with me. It's been a weird weekend.

ANYWAY, at said reading, I accidentally overheard a conversation that I wasn't meant to overhear and so I knew where Jake was yesterday (I'm not telling for reasons that will be explained in the poetry post, but it wasn't Texas and it wasn't New York). I had a feeling he might show up to the Awards Gala tonight.

So, like the professional agent that I am, I waited outside, in the freezing cold, for 2 1/2 hours for the Amerians for the Arts Awards ceremony to end so Jake could emerge and congratulate me on being such an awesome fan. I arrived at the scene late due to the fact that I was at a taping of "The Daily Show with Jon Stewart" (it's been quite the celebrity weekend for PG...in fact, had I not been sitting in the audience at "The Daily Show," I probably would have been able to accost Jake as he went into the building, seeing as how I learned later that other fans had gotten such opportunities when he arrived. Is this how I'm repaid for all my dutiful "Daily Show" watching over the years? Damn you, Stewart. Damn you!) But when I did arrive, there were still several people around to confirm that Jake had indeed entered the building (and taken pictures with fans) shortly before my arrival, and with Lance Armstrong and Robert Downey, Jr., no less. All I had to do was stand outside, in the freezing cold, for 2 1/2 hours and wait for Jake to emerge. Most everyone left after a while. Even the paparazzi.

Sometime after I lost the feeling in my fingers, Jake's award was presented. I couldn't see him personally, but I could see the television screen from the sidewalk where all the action was being broadcast for the people in the back of the theater. It was sort of like watching him on live TV, only without sound and with the annoying sense that I was an outcast and possibly pathetic. One of the guards at the door told me, my traveling companion Kara, and a fellow crazy person whom I didn't know (we were the only three left at that point) that if we went home and got dressed up, he'd sneak us into the building. Except for, oh right, I don't own anything that could get me into that place; and if I did, I wouldn't have thought to bring it with me on vacation just in case I needed to sneak into an awards ceremony that I wasn't invited to. Lesson learned.

My toes had lost feeling by the time the car that Jake had arrived in pulled suddenly from its waiting place in the front of the building and promptly raced down the street, plowing into the back of a police car and blocking traffic for a good half an hour. Robert Downey, Jr.'s body guard came rushing out and spoke instructions into his sleeve until a new car came to wait idly for Jake and traffic was moving again. It was just as exciting and random as it sounds.

My entire face was numb by the time people started filing out of the building. Some of them looked at the three of us standing there with such anticipation on our faces and said things like, "Oh, he's in there!' or "He's on his way!" Apparently it was obvious for whom we were waiting. Most people ignored us. Lance Armstrong was one of them.

I was running on pure adrenaline by the time Jake finally emerged. He stood on the steps and talked to his mom for a few minutes. The aforementioned nice guard had roped off the sidewalk in such a way as to force Jake to walk by the three of us. The guard even went so far as to put his hand on Jake's back and push him in our direction when he wouldn't stop talking to his mother. And then, against all laws of reason and physics, Jake somehow managed to walk down the steps, onto the sidewalk, get swarmed by paparazzi (who had miraculously re-emerged), sign a copy of Donnie Darko for the random girl we were with, and jump into his car while keeping his back to me THE ENTIRE TIME. I'm not even lying. I don't even know how this is possible.

2 1/2 hours, no feeling in any of my extremities, and this is what I got for my efforts:

One spectacularly craptastic picture of the back of his head. I shrieked out his name several times, although I'm guessing my voice was lost in the midst of everyone else calling out his name. That's what I like to think anyway, seeing as I got nothing but a good look at his dandruff-free shoulders as he got into his car. The windows were so tinted that I couldn't tell if he was looking out the window or wisely facing forward and ignoring the hysteria. I say "wisely" because if he had been looking out the window, he would have seen me looking like my cat just died, Autograph Girl making out with her DVD cover, and poor Kara standing back a ways looking like she'd just learned something about me she'd rather not know.

Then, Robert Downey, Jr. came out and the nice guard said to me, "Now's your chance! Go talk to him!" Dude. DUDE. At what point in the evening did Jake Gyllenhaal become confused with Robert Downey, Jr. in this man's head?! I snapped a shot of RDJ as he talked to Jake's parents, but I tried to steer clear because of some extreme awkwardness left over from my last encounter with Jake's parents, 24 hours earlier. I'm pretty sure they would have ignored me even if I wasn't trying to quasi-hide from them.

And then I walked back to the hotel and there may or may not have been tears. Who's to say, really? OK, there were, but only because I couldn't win for losing when it came to Gyllenhaal's these past two nights.

THE SUNDAY PROJECT: SIXTH MONTH SUMMARY

Annnnnnd breathe...

I meant to do this last Sunday but er...I didn't. So after sixth months of Sunday Projectness I have now gathered together our findings, processed the data with an Excel spreadsheet, made some pie charts and bar graphs and put together a Powerpoint presentation. I present to you here now, things that we here at Jake Watch officially approve of and what shall now recieve the Jake Watch Seal Of Approval:

Officially Approved Partner (if you really must have one, Jake)
Winner: Natalie Portman
Runner Up: Austin Nichols

So what, you're just friends? Ring her up, treat her to a MacDonalds - who knows what magic can happen in plastic yellow booths? Sorry, is this embrassing?

Officially Approved New Movie
Winner: Any, as long as you get your butt out again
Runner Up: Jane Austen's Persuasion

Better re-read that Rendition contract and see if you can get out of it or at least insist a butt scene be written in.

Officially Approved New Pet
Winner: The Animal
Runner Up: Inconclusive

Er...yeah, sorry about that one.

Officially Approved New House
Winner: English Country Manor
Runner Up: Beach Hut

Oh, Mr Gyllenhaal! How you delight us with your exquisite balls!

Officially Approved Holiday Destination
Winner: Australia
Runner Up: Mexico

Officially Approved Tattoo
Inconclusive as comments veered into, 'Oh my God, Steve Irwin is dead'.

Officially Approved TV Career
Again, sadly inconclusive. britpopbaby has made the executive decision to officially approve CSI:NY even though it wasn't an option. I think you know why. Lab coats? Totally hot.

Officially Approved New Hobby
Winner: Bingo
Runner Up: Jousting
We are just so bored of the damn biking! Get down the Bingo hall with Gladys and Mavis will ya?

Officially Approved New Charity that Jake should be pimping
Winner: Talk Like a Pirate Day
Runner Up: Save Katie Holmes

Dude, who cares about liberities?

Officially Approved Resturant Venture
Winner: Burger Van
Runner Up: Swedish Experimental Bistro

It may get cold in the winter but think of all the cooking you get to do! Greasy, horrible cooking!

Officially Approved New Friend

Matty and Lance out, Lt. Dan IN. End of conversation.


Right, everything sorted? Good.

GUESS WHO WENT TO THE PREMIERE OF THAT FILM ABOUT FRENCH PEOPLE WHERE EVERYONE HAS AMERICAN ACCENTS?

Yes, Prophecy Girl's Noo Yawk stalking mission has remained impressively on course and after only one day in the city of apples she managed to sneak into the Marie Antionette premiere for some first class recon action.

PG reports that the Dunster is tall, VERY skinny and significantly more attractive in real life than PG expected. Celebrities up close, eh? A remarkable sight.

If you want these pics, tough shit. You'll have to email Prophecy Girl and ask but don't bother because, if you hadn't noticed, she's busy with a very important mission.

Oh, and Jake wasn't there. Look at my face. I am shocked.

THE PLAN B FILES

Self indulgent post alert!

I don't know about you but I've noticed that Jake has kept a pretty low profile since, well, I started this freakin' blog. Not that I blame him one iota but it does leave peeps like us in a slight pickle. I, for one, cannot possibly sit, twiddle my thumbs and eat jam butties, waiting for the release of Zodiac so I've come up with a cunning plan! When Jake goes MIA I've decided it would be best to get a 'back-up-imaginery-hot-actor-boyfriend'. Care to join me?

My BUIHAB (pronounced be-hab) at the present moment is Mr Carmine Giovinazzo aka Detective Danny Messer, CSI: Noo Yawk. I would now like to weigh up some pros and cons to see where he falls on the Gyllenscale, mainly for my entertainment. Bare with me.



PROS

• Appears on my TV screen once a week in a scheduled time slot i.e a reacurring date that never lets me down
• Has THE sexiest Noo Yawk accent that is, I'm afraid to say, way hotter than Big G's LA tone
• Rides a motorbike
• Did I mention it was a Harley?
• Italian roots - ooo, my favourite.
• Practical man - fixed his own roof. Where does that stand against making a table for your mother?
• Baseball career was ruined by a back injury - I'm a sucker for a Florence Nightingale story.
• Owns a cat.
• Paints...topless.
• And the big one for me - drinks tea. If he makes a decent brew this will up his game ten-fold.

CONS

• Smokes. Ack! Sorry, it's my pet peeve. It's not the lung cancer so much but the stench. If they made nice smelling cigarettes it'd be a different story.
• CSI:NY - not that great a show. Not sure how many murdered-by-a-lampshade-and-we-have-the-DNA-to-prove-it storylines I can handle.
• Plays golf. I have issues with golfers, many issues.
• Often pictured wearing a trilby
• Seems to be trying to start some kind of 'rap' career but I'm hoping I imagined that
• Apparent playboy - I really don't have time to keep my eye on a man that flits between foxes like it's going out of style
• Only 5"9 - britpopbaby likes to wear stilettos.
• Hangs out with Lt Dan - may be a perpretrator in his crazy schemes.

GYLLENSCALE RATING:

Discuss.

Oh, one more thing. Ennis and Jack never did it for me, mostly cos I don't fancy Heath Ledger but Tag off Friends and Messer - bad, bad things.

OH YES, BABY, THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT

Yeee-ah, here's real deal movie poster, with Jake's name up front and center, bitches. I'm a bit of a poster whore so this whole dealio probably excites me more than it should. Whatever. That's one hot piece of promotion.

Now if you'll excuse me, I must quietly slip away as I have a serious bit of Official Jake Watch Business to take care of this weekend. Highly classified. I hope to have many stories to share when I get back, or at least an autographed copy of Claptrap. I can say no more.

Picture from the fine folks at that other Jake site.

ACTUAL BEHIND THE SCENES ACTION

There have been times whilst manning the good ship Jake Watch that I've been moderately to massively freaked out by situations I've found myself in. This time last week was one of those, 'Holy Jesus, Mary and Joseph! How the frig did that happen?' moments and things got pretty hectic at JW HQ. Yeah, I managed to get Us Weekly on my case.

Due to Jake Watch's exclusive reveal of baby Gyllengaard's arrival, muggins here got slightly embroiled with the senior editor of said mag and was given an alarming insight into the world of the 'Big Bad Media' (Cantara's phrase) and can I just say to you all now - never ever believe a fucking thing you read anywhere.

Cantara forwarded me the email that the senior editor sent and said it might be fun for us all to email him back and tell him not to pry into other people's lives. Here is the email:

Hello,

I understand that Mr. Gyllenhaal has released a statement about his new granddaughter Ramona through Cantara Books. Can u pls forward me the statement?

Bradley Jacobs
Senior Editor, Us Weekly
1290 Ave. of the Americas, 2nd Floor
New York, NY 10104

Now, at first I thought he was only doing his job and maybe I shouldn't get involved but could I help myself? No. So I emailed Mr Jacobs and explained that Cantara had simply shared news given to her by her friend (who okay, happens to be Stephen Gyllenhaal) and that it was in no way an official statement.

Mr Jacobs emailed me back saying he was confused. So I repeated myself and added that I presumed the info came from IHJ. Mr Jacobs emailed me back (we're like, best friends by this point) and said no, he got his info from JustJared. Oooo! Interesting!

JustJared claimed on their 'exclusive' that they got the info from a source close to the family. They then told me they got it from an anonymous email. So where did they get Cantara's role in it from to pass onto Us Weekly? Cos they either got it from here or IHJ, ergo not making it in any way an exclusive and more a lie but whatever, that's not my concern.

Anyway, here is the email from Mr Jacobs:

we saw it on just jared. i think it's weird that a publisher forwarded a request from an editor to a fanblog. but thanks for expalining

Look, dude. You've had this explained to you three times by this point. I also like to say that Mr Jacobs used that colour blue in his emails and seemed to dislike capital letters.

I'd just like to say: Us Weekly - I think you're weird.

So, that's how they operate - I could have told them anything and part of me wishes I had just to see it in print in this week's copy of Us Weekly. Although I would have used my pseudonym; Crystal Shandy Lear.

In other news, I think the 6th month anniversary of Jake Watch was somehow overshadowed and we should celebrate again with a little 'me' time - more details to follow.

THERE'S THIS THING I DO...

...when the post situation is particularly bleak (i.e. days and no spandex). I call it "Today in Jake History" in which I comb through the extensive Jake Watch archives (aka the IHJ media section) and search for pictures from the day in question. Except all one other time I've resorted to this feature, it happened to be a day when Jake didn't do anything. So that's why you've never seen it.

Today was different, although I kinda wish I hadn't run across what I found. Look at what happened on this day in 2004:

Son of a bitch! That ain't multitasking! Where's the Jake I know and love? The one who wouldn't have wimped out and put the damned coffee cup on top of the car? He's got at least 3 fingers free from what I can see. I'm disgusted. The only thing that makes this series of pictures tolerable is the fact that the necklace makes him look like a freaking pimp and that's awesome.

Plus, tongue action. That never gets old.

Maybe tomorrow one of us will have something a little more timely to post. But probably not.

SO WE STILL HAVE NO ZODIAC TRAILER

(And I can't express how much this doesn't count.) But we do get a new production photo roughly every 5 to 7 months to cruelly show us what we're missing and I guess we were due for a new one. Damn that excruciatingly slow pre-release promotional campaign.

Anyway, Jake, you sexy bitch.
And because I think we need to take a closer look at that:
Amazingly, he's even managed to make a bland '70's analog watch look hot. Unbelievable.

Picture from Premiere Magazine orginally, scan from iheartjake.

JAKE TAKES A SCENIC STROLL

Where is that? It looks absolutely delightful! Like the kind of place where someone might get murdered. Darling, let's meet there for coffee and a chat next Saturday.

Pic from IHJ which not only stands for iheartjake but also International house of Japan.

AGENTS IN ACTION: PART II

You must understand that Jake Watch is a secret society of sorts. We operate under highly classified procedures and trust no man, except Peter Sarsgaard. But occasionally, I feel obliged to let you in on the 'behind-the-scenes' magic that ensures Jake Gyllenhaal is always well protected, well respected and kept well away from most other people.

I present to you now a Back Away From My Man mission that ended in 100% success and in which human casualties were kept to a record low. When you've read this, please shred it; unless the shreader needs emptying, then you can just eat it.

1. Aha, here is Jake enjoying a seemingly innocent conversation with an unathorised female (turn to page 208 of the Handbook for a not-so-comprehensive list of authorised females). 'Alright', you say to yourself/cellmate, 'She's pretty, they seem happy, simply enjoying each other's company, Jake has even removed his ever present shades to make eye contact and she's not me, but, what's the big problem?' This is why YOU are not a Jake Watch agent. Keep reading.

2. Left unactioned, another unauthorised female has arrived on the scene. Pandemonium. At this point we hand over from the Surveillance Team to the Damage Control Analyst Unit. They quickly process the avaliable data and file the following status report:
Please see accompanying annotated diagram.
a. The presence of two unauthorised females has distracted Jake immensely and as a result his trademark polystyrene take-out coffee cup has veered dangerously to the left.
b. Finger-pointing by unauthorised female No.2 could be interpretated as threatening. A situation in which Jake's personal safety is compromised seems imminent.
c. Aforementioned concerns consolidated by stern look and aura given off by Unauthorised Female No.2. Whats her deal? Panel advises immediate activation of the Jake Watch street sweeper to dispel this most alarming state of affairs.
d. Discreet foot touching. Holy shit!
e. The tounge is OUT. We repeat: the tounge is OUT. Known to cause irregular heart rhythms in OAPs and fangirls. Panel demands Jake Watch is stepped up to RED ALERT.

3. After discovering that the Jake Watch street sweeper has been hijacked by Lt. Dan, HQ resorts to modern techonology. Texts are sent to both the perpetrator and the protectee. Message to Unauthorised Female No.1 is clear and simple: BCK AWAY FRM MY MAN. Jake's reads: Come quick! Boo trapped down disused mine shaft!. Okay, not really. Actual message reads: Wht u playin @? We went ovr dis b4. C u l8r. Luv JW.

4. Busted! Jake checks nervously around. Unauthorised Female No.1 panics.

5. Jake departs, looking remorseful. "Oh god," he murmurs to himself, "What have I done? It's like that time I did the limbo in an Aussie flag thong at Heath's birthday party all over again. Vodka is nobody's friend".

6. But where was the Jake Watch agent throughout this drama? Ever present, Gyllenfans, ever present.

PS: Has anyone seen this street sweeper? Last spotted being driven away from JW HQ at 12mph.

THAT IS ONE SEXY MOFO MOVIE POSTER

But dude, I wouldn't be bragging about Panic Room. As someone pointed out, surely a Fight Club shout out would get people more excited? And I think it's missing one thing - Jake face. Mind you, people said that about the Jake Watch banner and I told them to fuck off. Okay, no Jake, good call.

This stream-of-conciousness post was brought to you by britpopbaby.

Thanks to green for spotting it and The Hot Blog for snapping it.

AMIDST ALL THE EXCITEMENT, JAKE QUIETLY CONTINUES TO SELL HIMSELF

It's been an exciting week so far for Gyllenhaal-lovers and Jake Watch-lovers alike, what with all the births, birthdays, and anniversaries. But it seems like someone is feeling is a little left out of all the excitement. You know. That guy. What's his name? Oh, right. Jake.

While we've all had our attention focused elsewhere, Jake has hopped right back on the auction circuit, apparently desperate for attention even if it has to be bought. Now don't get too excited agents; this time you're not getting the full package when you lay down your $6601 and then later retract your bid because you live in Asia and couldn't possibly pay for airfare. No, this time you're bidding on something even better than the memory of a free studio-sponsored lunch and an inevitably awkward conversation with The Sex. Read all about it in this cleverly titled article, "Get Inside Jake Gyllenhaal's Pants," because apparently they're totally selling off all this stuff from Brokeback Mountain and for the second time in a month, I feel the full weight of my entry-level salary. I wonder if they're selling Jack Twist's belt buckle. I think I could probably forego eating for a month if I could get my hands on that.


P.S. Thanks, Joyce, for the heads up!

HAPPY BRITHDAY POPS!

Did you know you shared a birthday with Charlton Heston? Cos I didn't. And don't worry Pops, we know how you feel, the baby stole our thunder too. Have a post on us. We're on a special birthday message mission as I type, involving William Wordsworth and a tin of sardines.

If you're a Poppa G fan or maybe even a Jake fan, you can celebrate these coinciding events by getting an eye feast over in the Forum.

Pic from http://www.stephengyllenhaal.com/

IT'S A GIRL!!!

Crack out the Baby Sweepstakes board, agents; who had letter "R?" Maggie gave birth to a baby girl at around 8:00 pm this evening (New York time), with the lovely name of Ramona! Details to follow, as they become available...

Thanks to Cantara for the news.

NOTE: I've read in various places that Ramona was born two weeks premature. She wasn't. She was born perfectly on time, despite reports that she was due in the middle of October.

I LIKE TO THANK THE ACADEMY, MY AGENT, MY GRANDPA BUSTER...

Just in case you forgot to mark this momentous occassion down in your diaries/laptop/sidekicks/fence post in back yard I thought I should remind you it's Jake Watch's sixth month anniversary. Aaah, the memories, the dramas, the socks, the achievements, the law suits - who would have thought?

In all seriousness though, I'd like to say AHA mutherfuckas! to those naysayers who reckoned it wouldn't last, my Dad who told me to stop wasting my time on Jack Gyllenhaal and get a frickin job, all the jackasses who tried to correct my spelling and grammar and lastly, Blogger, for working 76% of the time.

To celebrate this special day I've concocted the timeline below. Some of it is accurate, most of it is not. Please stick around to witness a spectacular Sunday Project summary and something very exclusive and hot and exclusive and sexy.

EDIT: You can now view what I was gibbering on about above by visiting the Forum and carefully entering the Gallery of Hawt. You may need safety googles.

THIS POST IS MOSTLY FILLER

Let's talk about how sweet it is to see Jake wear a long-sleeve t-shirt under a short-sleeved t-shirt. And then later, there will be a post that is better than this one.

Pics from the usual spot.

JAKE EXPERIMENTS WITH CAMOUFLAGE. FAILS.

Aah, young grasshopper, you have much to learn. I see you've successfully co-ordinated your clothes to blend in with that indecisively beige Ford Freestar and, lo and behold, it was all going so well until you decided to carry on walking and came across that vibrant yellow Noo Yawk taxi cab. Shit! With no lucid lemon togs to don your camouflage immeadiately failed and your true identity was revealed to us! You are not yet ready to snatch the pebble from the palm of Master Po.

Also, I see you've decided to contradict our very own ProphecyGirl with a complete turnaround on the sweater waist hug versa in hand versa slung over shoulder debate. You know, when ProphecyGirl makes fashion statements, she does not make them lightly. Think on next time Gyllenhaal, think on.

I found this picture in a mulberry bush outside my house...only joking! IHJ.