Wednesday, October 18, 2006


Sorry for the delay, folks. That declassification process can be a bitch.

Location: The Batcave, New York City (aka "Zinc Poetry Bar" in Manhattan)
Subject: Gyllenhaal, Sr.
Agent(s): Prophecy Girl
Backup: Ally (International House of Japan) and Danielle (Sarsgaal Extraordinaire)

Background: PG, in an effort to maintain her secret identity, takes time off from her "day job," explaining she's "going on vacation." Employers seem to buy this scenario, however she is forced to use only non-Jake Watch funds in order to maintain the illusion.

Part A: The Reading
1. Seemingly goes well. Gyllenhaal, Sr. arrives late but no one notices because the surroundings are so dimly lit. PG doesn't want to attract attention to herself by flashing a picture but does manage to get a video which isn't terrible. But she's not going to post it because she's lazy.

2. Poems include the standards about Hollywood life (PG relates, as she, too, is fabulously rich and successful and has a gardener ;)), Gyllenmomma (who shows up late but doesn't actually make her way into The Batcave), and those Gyllenkids (still not really sure who they are).

Part B: The Meeting
1. Pre-reading, PG tries to make her move, but is thwarted when Gyllenhaal, Sr. is sidetracked by another poet. She waits patiently and accidentally overhears the location of other members of the family. She does not wish to disclose these exact whereabouts, though, because one time, at the first reading, someone else overheard a conversation and wrote about it and now there's weirdness over at another forum.

2. Initial contact is crucial to The Mission, so PG waits with Backups Ally and Danielle (hereafter referred to as Agent A and Agent D) after the reading for the line to die down. Agent A discloses that Classified Information was given to certain "fan sites" regarding a new member of the Gyllenhaal family and an entity known by code name "JustJared" purloined said story, which attracted the attention of US Weekly (a reputable magazine concerned only with maintaining the dignity of said "fan sites"). An unidentified family member known only as "Jake" was rumored to be upset because US Weekly has more funding than these "fan sites" and that's not really fair to the little guy. Or maybe it was because US Weekly discovered the baby's name and wanted to publish it. That part wasn't really clear.

3. Eventually contact is made. Gyllenhaal, Sr. seems to think PG has come to apologize. Apparently PG needs to "ask permission" before doing things like publishing the name of a baby somewhere where any JustJared could come along and steal it and ruin everything for everyone. PG refers back to the Classifed Archives File and finds this filed under "Permission to Publish Information Regarding the Gyllengaard Baby":

(In keeping with the recent trend of publishing the content of private e-mails, the following text has been lifted directly.)

AH!!!! That's so exciting!!!!!! Can I post this?!?!?!?

God, I wish you would!!!

4. Another topic of discussion is the paparazzi, and I think it's perfectly obvious that PG is at least partially responsible for this particular problem. She feels a certain kinship with these people who make the Gyllenhaal's lives unpleasant and also were so helpful in making sure she didn't get to talk to that Jake guy the following night, but really, she's trying to get over all that.

5. PG then gives Gyllenhaal, Sr. a birthday card from the fine people here at JW and also a card announcing the impending arrival of the Gyllengaard's new red panda (well, the certificate, not the panda itself, but only because we can't afford the shipping). She would be lying if she said she didn't feel like a total jackass to be doing this after being forced into an apology she didn't realize she was making and then told a bunch of stuff that didn't apply to her and made her feel really small and insignificant. She kinda thought the cards might offer a chance to redeem herself, but now she thinks she just made the situation worse.

6. PG then is humiliated further but doesn't really wish to disclose those details at this time because it would take too long to set up the scenario and this is already really long. Needless to say, she realizes her presence is no longer necessary and it's best to salvage what little is left of her dignity.

7. PG immediately begins to question how she will report this encounter to the general public but quickly realizes it doesn't matter in the least because it is painfully clear to her that no one has the slightest clue about this blog. So no, she's not worried about offending anyone.

8. PG feels a bit slighted because she has spent more than a few hours working on the Top Secret Official Stephen Gyllenhaal Website Project with her dear comrade britpopbaby (if you were wondering what this post was a while back, well, there you go). The two of them also worked hard on the Stephen Gyllenhaal Film Blog and also made certain rules concerning what would and would not be discussed on this blog because of information they believed was coming from the family itself. Despite all this, she's not suggesting that anyone owes her anything...except, well, maybe that dignity thing she mentioned in Point #6.

9. PG would like to add that if she comes off as sounding bitter, you should read what she wrote to britpopbaby immediately after the reading. The experience was so upsetting, she was ready to quit this blog. And there's a lot of stuff she could say that she's not because she's trying to convince herself she's not half as dispensable as the evening made her feel. :(