OMG, JAKE! YOU SO HAVE TO FRICKIN BUY ONE OF THESE!

Look, Jake. I know you probably don't find this blog at all useful. I mean, why would you? You already know where you are, you already know what socks you have on and you already have your cupcake but occasionally you need us to point you in the direction of HOT SHIT LIKE THIS. You need that t-shirt, I mean NEED it. I don't quite understand it's aims but I have fallen for the Commie sentiments and artwork. If I saw you in one of these it would cement your place in my heart forever (note that britpopbaby's heart is a fickle, fickle organ - easy come, easy go). Buy it.

UPDATE: No need to buy one, Jake! Because we're paupers and you're a multi-millionaire movie star we've decided to get one for you. I contacted Kevin who runs The Pure Breed Revolution: Propaganda for World Domination by Dogs and he is making you a personalised 'Boo' one. Now don't that make ya feel special? Boo Guevara!

JAKE SETS A BAD EXAMPLE TO US ALL

Tut, tut, tut. Do you like hospital food, Jake? Because that's where these sorts of antics will end you up. Where is the tight orange all in one number? Where's the reflective strips? Where's your goddamn bell to warn other road users of your presence? I hope you were just taking your bike for a walk. Wait til Lance Armstrong hears about this...

LAST NIGHT'S POETRY AFFAIR

I'm waiting on more encounter/offical reports but as far as I know it was a great success and Pop's sold out! Maggie, Peter and Naomi were there and, is there someone I'm missing out? Oh yeah, Jake 'I have the worst timing in the world' Gyllenhaal had skipped town a few days before to head back to LA for Zodiac reshoots. Well, we don't need him - we have plenty of other sexy Gyllenhaal's to occupy us.

I know Ally from IHJ was there and has posted a bit on it but who else went? Shout up! We want details. Both Ally and Cantara have mentioned that Stephen was carrying our questions round in his pocket so a) he ain't finished them but b) he means too and is taking them very seriously. Ally again mentioned how he refers to us as 'the girls'. Don't y'all feel like The Waltons up in here? No mention of sons but I guess it's easier to group us all together in the squealing, feminine capacity - don't be offended you macho types.

More news as it comes...

UPDATE: An estimated 175 people in attendance and they drank Shriaz and ate brie afterwards - details are important.

IN MEMORY OF EVER SO SLIGHTLY BAD BOY JAKE

This is on the assumption that he has quit smoking and Jake Watch is all about assumptions! There is no denying this is sexy but alas, The Gyllenhaal has chosen to walk the path less butt littered. Hope your lungs can return to a pink and fleshly state. Goodbye Fag Ash Lil!

OFF TOPIC: WTF?

I understand showbiz is a small world but what in sam hill are these pair hanging out together for? Maybe they're planning to make a bad movie together? Maybe they're recording a shit hot rap record together? Maybe they just bumped into each other? Or maybe they're having a secret love affair behind our backs?!!! Just in case you haven't recognised them it's acquaintance of Jake, Selma Blair and P Puffy Sean Combs Diddy Honey Monster Piddy. And where is his umbrella man?

[pic source]

WHO WANTS SOME TOP NOTCH POETRY?

Get your hot poetry here, folks! I'm in a literary mood and in celebration of Mr Stephen Gyllenhaal's (Pops to us) first ever public reading tomorrow I thought it was time for an intellectual discussion again. Stephen's publisher Cantara made me feel like an extra special person by sending Claptrap: Notes from Hollywood to me in PDF form. I'm half way through it now and I haven't quite yet collaberated my thoughts but it's just kind of...electric.

I wasn't even sure what poem to pick out to post here, (the Jake one would be obvious but it's at the back and I haven't got that far yet). So, I've gone for the one that Jamie Lee Curtis picked out in her introduction. Plus I'm re-reading To Kill A Mockingbird at the moment and it reminds me of that in some ways.

Communion

It's not a big thing
when the BMW pulls over
silver blue and German grace
and the Guatemalan gardener adjusts his hip
along the nearby ridge
with his leaf blower and rake
half noting the pure white man inside
with his acceptable rock music
choking
weeping
hands shivering over eyes
weeping til the cows come home
weeping for whatever nameless loss
he's found
as Guatemala
back and forth with his machine
sweeps the rattling leaves
along a green back of Nichols Canyon
like a priest with incense.

So, get your specs on, sip on your Earl Grey and discuss!

You can buy Claptrap; Notes from Hollywood at: http://www.authorsbookshop.com/gyllenhaalclaptrap

Get more info here:
www.stephengyllenhaal.com

JAKE GETS EVEN SPORTIER

He's getting ready to mingle with real life athletes. Read the whole article HERE.

"Presenters already confirmed to attend The 2006 ESPYS include Will Ferrell, Dwyane Wade, Mariah Carey, LeBron James, Ben Stiller, Ashley Judd, Greg Kinnear, Venus Williams, Jimmy Kimmel, Kiefer Sutherland, Terrell Owens, Carmen Electra and Jake Gyllenhaal."

I'm not even going to pretend I know what the ESPY's are. Thanks for finding this, miffed!

RUBIC RODEO

I'm changing the name of the Rubic Rodeo to Caption Corelli's Mandolin because they coined the phrase on Big Brother's Big Mouth a few weeks back and it made me laugh heartily for approximately 32 seconds. I know it has nothing to do with Jake but it's my blog and I'll change the titles of things if I want to.

Remember to keep it short and looky at what the winner gets:

Okay, caption away:

JAKE WATCH IS GETTING DOWN TO BUSINESS

"If thou giveth to Heath Ledger then thou shall recieve. Amen" britpopbaby 4:11.

I haven't written my own religious scriptures yet but when I do that will be in there. Our dear Heath Ledger - lover of Michelle, father of Matilda, lover of Jake, occassional nemesis of britpopbaby because he agreed to be in The Patriot (only kidding, I'm totally over it and it's propaganda peddling ways) and 10 Things I Hate About You (stop turning Shakespeare plays into dumbass teen movies set in American high schools! only kidding, I'm totally over it and it's Julia Stiles peddling ways) - has a new film coming out called Candy (not to be mistaken with Hard Candy, I should think). Being an independent film it's not getting a whole lot of press so if Jake Watch can spread the word to it's dedicated army of 20 readers then it damn well shall! Up the little people!

The following words are brought to you by ~dkbb~ :

Oh, before you read that Jake Watch has some sexy new affiliates; Jake Gyllenhaal Fanlisting, The Sarsgaard Soiree (inspired by your very own Jake Watch) and Heath Ledger Central. There are also new Buttons up - if anyone wants to help make more, please let me know! Back to Heath Ledger...

Support the Movie CANDY (starring Heath Ledger & Abbie Cornish) - Join the “Addiction!”
So many of us Gyllenhaalics are also Heath Ledger fans, so I thought this blog would be a good place to get the word out about Heath’s latest film release, Candy. Candy is an independent Australian film by Neil Armfield based on the book by Luke Davies (a great read, by the way), and starring Heath Ledger, Abbie Cornish, Geoffrey Rush, Noni Hazlehurst, and Tony Martin. It is best described as a love triangle about a hero, a heroine, and heroin.

Since it is a small film with a small budget, wide release is not going to happen without a lot of public interest and support. That’s why I’m here…to ask for your support for this film. I am part of an organization called “Addicted To The Movie Candy” (ATTMC for short). We are working, mainly via the Internet, to get the word out about Candy. We have an informational web site - which includes a Release Dates calendar - (http://www.addictedtothemoviecandy.com/); a blog, an image gallery; and a forum where we discuss the movie, the book, and our ATTMC projects. The blog, gallery, and forum are all linked from the web site. (And for those of you who visit my blog – Musings on the Journey – you will also find Candy and ATTMC information there.)

ThinkFilm, the North American distributor for Candy, will consider giving the movie a wider release if they see a real interest in it. You can help prove to them that we all want to see this wonderful movie by visiting the web site and the blog, and by registering on the forum. As the number of web site and blog visitors rises, and the number of registered forum members rises, ThinkFilm will begin to understand the widespread support and desire for Candy.

Please visit ATTMC, read about the movie, the players, the projects – and join our “addiction!”

Thanks so very much to britpopbaby for her support of ATTMC (which has been linked on her “Links” page for a while now) and for allowing me to post this “guest blog entry.”

I will now step down off my soapbox and return you to your regular programming….

Humbly yours,~dkbb~ (aka Miss Moneypenny)

EXCELLENT WORK, AGENT!

Jake Watch loves nothing more than a good scoop but it's been about a month since our last so let's get a little creative. Thanks to Agent Katie (who must have the eyesight of a cheetah with spectacles for catching this!), Jake Watch can unofficially reveal that:

MAYBE THE GYLLENHAAL HAS QUIT SMOKING!?

No! Surely not! This is HUGE. Regarde la evidence:

Katie goes on to dissect: "According to some instructions for nic patch use: 'Stick the patch onto your outer upper arm or any clean, dry, non-hairy part of your trunk.'" Hee Hee - trunk. Great research, Agent.

Well, I'm sold. I dare say it's a nicorette patch, chaps! Either that or a nude coloured bra...

Good luck with it, Jake! I could use some corny, "I wish I knew how to quit you" line but instead I'll offer some copyrighted britpopbaby advice: drink copious amounts vodka to take your mind off the cigarettes, easy!

(pic from IHJ, nicorette patches from all good chemists, all good vodka from britpopbaby.)

THE RETURN OF THE SUNDAY PROJECT

Sorry it's been away for so long (two weeks?) but I kept forgetting and then had to go to Medieval Fayres and stuff but hey! it's back now!

Today's task is to determine a final resting place for The Gyllenhaal. Wait, I worded that wrong - a permanant residence for the wandering one. From Paris to Berlin and every disco he's been in...wait again, that's a recent popular gay disco track not an accurate record of The Gyllenhaal's movements...from LA to New York and back again, often, and the many rumours about Malibu beach houses and hip New York shag pads, I'm getting a little confused and I'm sure Jake is too. So, let's help him in that difficult decision, (that many of us don't have to deal with because we don't have any damn money to move anywhere), of where to nest.

A. THE BEACH HUT.
Ah, an idyllic dream. For us! Imagine all the shots we'd get of those baby blue surf shorts if he lived here. Not to mention the midnight skinny dipping and naked beach barbeques. Plus this particular hut doesn't even look that pricey. Hell, Jake could build one himself!

B. THE CALIFORNIA HOUSE OF WHACK.
Well, I heard Jake was a fan of architecture and shit so when I saw this house I automatically thought, "Oh, good lord who would EVER want to live in that rubik's cube-esque nightmare of a house?! Maybe Jake does".

C. THE TRENDY NEW YORK APARTMENT
Okay, so I have no idea if the picture I've put up here is a trendy New York apartment block but it was the first one that showed up in Google Image Search and I couldn't be arsed to research any further. I'm not even 100% sure it's in New York but ain't it nice looking?

D. THE ENGLISH COUNTRY MANSION
A move to the Shires, you say? No, this isn't a pathetic attempt by britpopbaby to get The Gyllenhaal in the same time zone as her, she just wants the best for Jake. And she wants to imagine him dressing up as Mr Darcy and flouncing about the drawing room. If Jake also wants to take a dip in the lake and emerge from it all dripping and sultry before announcing he's going for a spot of afternoon tea then who are we to stop him?

E. THE CARDBOARD BOX
A favourite of the hobos for centuries this all inclusive, open plan box is a desirable option for the constant traveller. Jake need not forgo his wandering urges, moving from city to city, country to country, he can bring his abode along for the ride! Perfect for The Gyllenhaal World Tour I'm hoping he decides to stage soon.

JAKE ENJOYS WORLD'S SMALLEST BOWL OF SALAD AND THEN ATTEMPTS TO HIDE FROM US

Sometimes, Jake, you confuse old britpopbaby. You've had at least two years experience of being stalked now, yet in this instance, you choose some nerdy looking Jimmy Fallon imposter to try and shield yourself from us. Quoi? Good to see Sarsy was there to whisk you off to a more secure location, hopefully involving walls and how sweet, you two are mirroring each other. Actually that's quite eerie. Eerie Indiana.

Pics from IHJ - including a woman with Gnarls-Barkley-level crazy hair.

JAKE WALKS DOWN STREET WITH A BOTTLE OF WATER...AGAIN.

I got nothing. I can't even think of a particulary witty reason why he might be smiling. Maybe he's happy that he has finally bamboozled britpopbaby with his mundane daily routine. I can't even be arsed to play 'guess what's in my bag?'. Why can't you be more like Lindsay Lohan? Sorry, I'll take that back. How about some surfing? And where is Boo-ga-loo?

Pics from IHJ

ON A SERIOUS NOTE: JAKE LOOKS LIKE SIMBA? DISCUSS.

Maybe at some point in the past, on the lonely savannah, a lion mated with a human (Jonathan Taylor Thomas prehaps?) and generations of homo-feline offspring later Jake Gyllenhaal was born. Hey, it's the circle of life!

What, still need more help envisaging it?
And before you ring my hospital and ask them to move me to a more secure unit, this wasn't actually my idea.
Thanks to Ana of Heron Productions for the cat pic and the reader who pointed out the Simba similarities. Okay, you can cart me away now.

BRITPOPBABY ACTUALLY SPENDS A DAY AT WORK IN THE OFFICE AND LOOK WHAT JAKE GETS UP TO!

As if I wasn't suicidal enough after eight and half hours of answering phones, photocopying and making small talk with lady from Accounts and I return home to this, Mr Gyllenhaal? She'd better be a cousin. A distant cousin. And I don't like her dress althought the lady we have identified as Mrs Jake's Pal Chris looks cute. And she looks like Selma Blair. Not saying she is, I just see similarities. You know it's unfortunate that Jake was involved with Kirsten during the years he was eligible for Tiger Beat and Cosmogirl interviews because we've never got a full lowdown on his 'type'. Blonde, brunette, tall, short? Sorry, I'm rambling. I'm tired. Anyways, here is Jake the following day, taking a stroll in NYC. Why oh why do we have two bottles of water and what appears to be an airline pillow with us, Jake?

ALSO: Miffed found actual Jake news! Amazing...

His heart transplant didn't make "A Prairie Home Companion" director Robert Altman cut back on his marijuana intake - if anything, he's enjoying the ganja even more now.
"I've increased it because of my heart condition. I even have a prescription for marijuana pills," he told us when we asked him about his fondness for the illicit drug.
Thankfully, that new heart Altman got about 10 years ago came from a woman much younger than his 81 years.
Altman loved working with young Lindsay Lohan on his new flick, but he didn't mention whether he and the wild young lass partook of any illegal substances on the movie set.
Although the "M*A*S*H" director said he wants to work with La Lohan again, the young Hollywood star he most wants to rope into his new feature, "Hands on a Hard Body," filming in September, is Jake Gyllenhaal.
The name of the movie may sound tantalizing, but cool your jets, "Brokeback" fans. The flick is about folks keeping their hands on a car to try to win it in a shopping mall contest.
Altman told us he has been in talks with Jake but hasn't gotten a final answer from him yet.

It sounds shit. Don't call Jake, Altman, we'll call you.

From www.nydailynews.com

Pics from http://iheartjake.com

OH GOOD GOD...

If heaven exists then there are some people in this world who deserve big fluffy cloud space more than others. For example, the person who designed that top, the person who sold Jake that top, the person that introduced Jake to basketball, the person who built that court to allow Jake to play basketball, the pap who took this shot, the agency who brought it, Twilight from IHJ for posting it, Ally for maintaining IHJ thus all allowing this miracle we see before us now. Oh, I guess Jake should get a space too. And me for pointing all this out to you.

pic from IHJ

ROUGH NIGHT?

Jake is back in NY and hitting the OJ! Mmmm, it looks freshly squeezed.

How much do I want to be the waitress in that last picture? "On the specials menu today, sir, we have spicy hot sex". Honestly, I am a fully qualified waitress - it's almost my career. I also love in the first pic, Jake's Sporty Spice "Come and have a go if you think you're hard enough!". You get that British pop culture reference, don't you? You all saw The Brits Awards '97, right? It's funny. Trust me.

Seens as Jake is back in the insomniatic city I throw down the gauntlet to wtbgirl to stalk him good!

NB: The blonde girl isn't Kirsten because the Dunster is currently sporting red hair for her role where she ruins Spiderman 3 for us all. She is obviously a blantant stalker though.

Pics from IHJ

YOUR DAD'S CUTE BUT WOULD IT KILL YOU TO HANG OUT WITH YOUR GODFATHER?

Aww! Look who it is. Baby Matilda Ledger-Williams-Gyllenhaal! Here she is with the lesser spotted Heath Del Mar, chilling in a street doorway for no apparent reason. How lovely. Ever heard of a park, Heath?

JAKE DID NOT SPEND FATHER'S DAY AT A MEDIEVAL FAYRE. HIS LOSS.

A farmer's market is damn close though - do they even have farmers in LA? How rural of him. He seems to have brought a bag of yoghurt covered raisins but we'll have to wait for the bigger pictures for official confirmation. Thanks to miffed for finding this link.

http://photo.wenn.com/index.php?ref=jake%20gyllenhaal%20190606&session_id=7fd9f2d985dbe57b37dffe873b3f6e1a

BENT RIM, EH?

Okay, you can make up your own captions/dirty images to this set of pics from IHJ.com. It's like my job has been done for me.

6/17/06 - Actor Jake Gyllenhaal takes his bike to get repaired in L.A. Looks like he may have bent the rim on his tire but after a quick visit to the shop he was back in the saddle riding away into the sweltering L.A. heat.



What are you trying to do to us paparazzi picture captioning people?!

HAPPY FATHER'S DAY!

It's Father's Day here in the UK today and apparently the US too - spooky. Well, I brought my birth father a case of Dutch lager and renewed his subscription to Classic Bike but now I also have my Hollywood dad to consider. After much deliberation in the vain of, "What do you buy the man who has Jake Gyllenhaal as a son?", I opted for a pair of 'Best Director/Poet in the World' socks. But the dog chewed them. Sorry. Here's some British bulldog socks instead...
I'm posting The Sunday Project tomorrow because I'm off to a Medieval Fayre all day today - apparently there will be mead, ale and out of work actors dressed in sacks.

UPDATE: The Medieval Fayre was fucking weird. Don't ever go to one unless you really like swords and beards and Old Hooky.

IN TRUE PRO KARAOKE SINGER STYLE, THE GYLLENHAAL GOES FOR THE POWER FIST OF GLORY

You know the move; it's the end of the song, the crowd is loving it, he only got up to sing I Love Rock n Roll and now he's on his fifth request, the big finale, he slams down the fist of emotion as the bar goes wild and the Japanese businessmen swing their briefcases round their heads. Maybe even a few climax jabs as he reels out the last word of the ballad. Damn. Is there anything that man can't do to perfection?
"I did it (pause) mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmy waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy"

How many exciting words were in that paragraph?

Or maybe this is another pic of him campaigning for John Kerry back in '04. I prefer my version.

ER, JAKE, WHAT DID I JUST SAY?

About flirting with other people? Oh, is this how it's gonna be now? Not about to swallow our pride and admit we were wrong? Don't worry, britpopbaby can play hard ball. Or did she just mistake you for a waiter?

(pics from iheartjake)

18TH (?) JAKE SECRET SUBMISSIONS

THE AWESOMENESS OF ANNEKA

So I was ranting that the MTV Movie Awards wouldn't be shown on UK TV, but they will (Channel 5, 22nd June - thanks, Annabel!), and the good ship Anneka, being the charitable bird she is, took minutes of the awards show just for me. Great, you're thinking, why are you going on about this, britpopbaby? Well, Anneka is fucking funny and thus her detailed record of the MTV Movie Awards is fucking funny and should be read by all.

There may be some words in there that non-UK residents might not understand - 'cuppa' means 'cup of tea' - but go with it. And laugh. You deserve it.


Hello!
Firstly, I apologise for the randomness. I was going to occupy my time today by making brownies but then discovered I didn’t have the right sized baking tin and so had to turn to TV for help. I watched Neighbours and then the MTV Movie Awards came on. And I was bored and my hand was itching – to write, not because of some rash - and I’m supposed to be finding inspiration for some poetry competition so I got my pen and pad and started writing random comments on the afore-mentioned awards. Mostly, I am missing you and hoping that you are missing me. So I thought I’d send them to you, so it can be like we’re watching TV together again. Even though we’re not. And that makes me sad. Anyway, enjoy!

0 minutes
My first problem – the slightly retarded Sky+ has missed the beginning of the show so I’m immediately confused. However, my awesome brainpower and powers of deduction inform me that Topher Grace, Jessica Alba and some dude I am later informed is Flavor Fave (Tim probably knows who he is) are doing a spoof of Mission Impossible III, involving a water pistol full of Topher’s urine. I’m beginning to think being a writer isn’t as difficult as it’s cracked up to be.

1 minute
Jessica Alba’s head explodes. YAY!!!!!

2 minutes
Credits inform us that Jake Gyllenhaal will be playing “Jake”. Jake’s here? Now I’m REALLY excited.

3 minutes
Jessica Alba is back, unfortunately with head intact.

7 minutes
Brandon Routh (the new Superman) tries to beat Tom Welling(Smallville) for the most wooden Superman ever. Welling wins in a photo finish.

10 minutes
Our first shot of Gyllenhaal Jnr, wearing grey shirt, looking good. He laughs at Christian Bale’s (HOT!) joke about Batman being more badass than Superman. Which is totally true. Next to Jake, some random separates him from Jessica Simpson. At least, I think it’s a random, don’t yell at me if it’s someone I should know, though to me she looks like a random. Lemme know if I should know better. Anyway, Aforementioned Random looks at Jake lovingly, like “Ohmigod, we’re like, TOTALLY laughing at the same thing. We should be, like, soulmates”. This makes me think she’s a competition winner. Although knowing my luck I’m probably wrong and it’s his cousin.

18 minutes
Isla Fisher of ‘The Wedding Crashers’ is up for Best Breakthrough. Does ‘Home and Away’ count for nothing these days?

19 minutes
Obviously not as Isla Fisher wins and has to sideways crab up the steps in a hideous dress.

20 minutes
Colin ‘Captain Slaphead’ Farrell blatently regrets the day he agreed to star with Jamie Foxx who comes on stage yelling “WHAT UP! WHAT UP!!” And then beatboxes. Twat.

20 minutes 30 seconds
Shot of Jake doing a furrowed eyebrow laugh at Colin Farrell announcing the category as Best Fight. Not sure why. Were they ever in a fight? Bet Farrell won. He looks like a biter. And a kicker. I’m still confused about who is sitting next to Jake. Lil help?

21 minutes
Jamie Foxx slips up saying to Jessica Simpson “Don’t send Nick after me”. Does he not read Heat? Oh yeah, I forgot, he’s a blind musician...What do you mean he was acting?

22 minutes
Colin Farrell looks v. uncomfortable as Jamie Foxx puts his arm around him.

23 minutes
Eva Mendes and Justin Trousersnake come onstage. Jake can’t be far behind. The Voice-over man informs us that Trousersnake’s new album is called Future Sex Love Sound. One thought: WTF?

23 minutes 30 seconds
Eva and Trousersnake joke about “ranch hands who get jobs”. Give you three guesses where that went. Yup. At the mention of “ranch hand-jobs”, Jake looks a little taken aback, wriggles uncomfortably in his seat and mutters “Wow”. Twice. You’re gonna be sorry Trousersnake. You’re gonna go for a short walk down a long alley with Sarsgaard and Heath Ledger for that comment.

24 minutes
Trousersnake obviously realises his mistake as he has to turn around away from the camera. Or is all this homosexuality a little close to home for him…hmmmm. Jake mutters summat unintelligible and raises his hands in a “What can I do to make this gimp stop?” gesture.

25 minutes
In a clip of Just Friends, Anna Faris kisses her co-star (unfortunately not Ryan Reynolds – HOT!) like Lea kissed Glyn on Big Brother. I promptly lose my shredded wheat and honey. What? The dog ate all my crumpets!

25 minutes 30 seconds
Voice Over man says “Jake Gyllenhaal and Heath Ledger” in a sexy voice as we are treated to a clip from a little film you might have heard of called Brokeback Mountain. Shot of Mr Twist by a pick-up truck. Heath bombs down some stairs towards him. I wonder what’s going to happen next. There isn’t long to wait as Heath launches himself at Jake, throws him against a wall and sticks his tongue down his throat. Jake looses his hat. Phew, is it me or is it hot in here? Jen from Van der Beek’s Creek watches in horror, thinking “He’s the father of my children”. Oooh, and in real life too. What a coincidence!

25 minutes 45 seconds
Brangelina up for best kiss. That’s some cold shit.

26 minutes
Eva opens her envelope. There would probably be suspense if I didn’t know Jake was getting it. Trousersnake leans over her shoulder and nods in approval as he says “It’s the fellas”. Eva screeches “Jake Gyllenhaal and Heath Ledger”. Jake is leaning forward in his seat, managing to look both pleased with himself but also pissed that he has to be within two feet of Trousersnake and his preppy jumper. Jake gets up, nodding and jogs up the stairs. Who’s idea was it to put him in the front row? Genius! He finger-points and makes eyes at Trousersnake like “I gotta shake his boy-hand” (note: not a euphemism). He successfully manages to keep a lotta space between them as he shakes his boy-hand. Then in true hilarity, gives him a “Talk to the hand” and goes for Eva with ferocity, kissing her cheek. Eva hands him his popcorn. And then, in true frat boy - sorry, I meant twat boy – style, Trousersnake slaps Jake’s ass and starts clapping his own genius. Jake gives him uber-evils and mentally puts him on his list, next to Sarsgaard for the Mr Mistoffelees incident.
Jake takes his place at the podium. I’m getting images of a Presidential Jake some way in the future. Fiddling sexily with his shirt sleeves, which are rolled up, he says that he told Heath that if they didn’t get Best Kiss, it wasn’t worth it. He pauses, smiles naughtily and says “It’s worth it now” and nods sincerely, as if he’s remembering just how good Heath tasted. The Random who was sat next to him starts clapping and cheering. Now I’m thinking it could be his Mum, but she looks too young. Jessica Simpson looks uncomfortable, so maybe she is a random. Or maybe Jessica Simpson just doesn’t like all this talk of homosexuals.
Jake repeats “Yeah, it’s definitely worth it.” Everyone laughs, except Trousersnake, who laughs at least two seconds after everyone else has finished. Jake says this is a huge honour and a big deal that this kiss got voted the best. Trousersnake claps after everyone else. Except Eva Mendes who doesn’t clap at all. Is she a homophone too? She and Jessica could get together, do each other’s hair and rag on the gays.
Jake thanks me (and everyone else watching I suppose) from those struggling with love, including himself. Ooooooh. Is he giving something away? Is he gay? Does he like boys? I’m beginning to sound like Toothy Tile so I’ll stop. He’s probably just struggling with his love for britpopbaby. Or the restraining order.
Trousersnake comes up to congratulate Jake, doing the “You da man!” finger gesture. Jake blows him off. Like I needed another reason to like Jake. Now I can add “hates boy-man Trousersnake” to “funny, sexy, famous” and “American”. Trousersnake has his hand on Jake’s shoulder as they leave, Eva tagging along behind.

28 minutes
Jimmy Fallon starts a spoof of the Da Vinci Code with Jessica Alba. He carries off the hair better than Tom Hanks.

30 minutes
Andy Dick is an albino. Who knew?

39 minutes
Adverts. WTF is Busta Rhymes advertising? Something about a Big Bang? I’m intrigued and confused. And I probably won’t understand when it’s revealed either.

42 minutes
Gnarls Barkley perform “Crazy” with a Star Wars theme, including Chewbacca on the drums, a stormtrooper on bass and Darth Vader on lead vocals. I bet George Lucas is spinning in his grave...What do you mean he’s not dead?

46 minutes
Owen Wilson calls Kate Hudson in How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days evil. He’s not wrong.

47 minutes
How come Angelina isn’t up with Darth Vader and Voldemort for Best Villain? Oooooh BURN!

48 minutes
It appears some seagull has unfortunately shat on Hayden Christensen’s hat. Why didn’t someone tell him? We cannot see his face under his shit-covered hat. Perhaps it’s not him. I don’t know why I’m making a note of this as I don’t really care.

49 minutes
Famke Janssen’s dress is hideous.

49 minutes 30 seconds
Shot of Jake seeming embarrassed by Famke and Rebecca Romain threatening to get naked and paint each other. He hides his face in his hands, murmuring Heath’s name over and over again to ward of the witches.

51 minutes
Both Jessica Alba and Jessica Simpson are up for Sexiest Performance. Bet Jessica Simpson jumped out of her chair when she heard “Jessica” and then sat back down a bit sharpish when she heard “Alba”. Ha ha ha!

60 minutes
Shot of Jake in Brokeback Mountain for Best Performance. The bit where he’s wearing his hideous moustache and fighting with Heath by the river before they say goodbye forever and he gets his head smacked in. That bit is followed by a shot of Jake by the fire with some glorious mood lighting. Then a shot of Jake driving off, crying to the sounds of You and Me by Lifehouse. I feel my eyes welling up.

61 minutes
Kate ‘Yes, I was once English’ Beckinsale reads out Jake’s name and the crowd goes wild. Cup hands and roar softly to get this effect. Jake is chortling as he jogs up the stairs - happy to be minus the Trousersnake probably. Hugs Becks with one arm and takes the popcorn she offers him. That’s his second one of the night! He’s gonna have to loosen his belt. And remove his trousers. And the rest of his clothes.
Jake shakes the hand of Becks’ co-host Adam Sandler and is a bit surprised when Sandler goes in for a whisper/hug combo. Jake gives him a happy look. The President takes to his podium. Even Jake cannot help but admire himself as his picture is on the big screen. He gives the screen a “You da man!” finger-point. And you are Jake, you are.
Cupping his popcorn protectively, he says “This is an embarrassment of riches”. Then as he continues, tries to twist the top off his popcorn. It’s not a toy Jake, it’s an award. Treat it with the respect it deserves. He congratulates the room on being attractive – Becks and Sandler only clap when he includes his finger-points at them. He thanks me again then steps away from his presidential podium with a “What more can I say?” gesture. Sandler shakes his hand and says summat. Jake gives a “Oh, it was nothing” gesture so I’m guessing it was something like “Man, you rocked ass in that movie”. Once again, Becks trails behind the guys as they leave the stage.

65 minutes
Jessica Alba makes a complete fool of herself in a spoof of King Kong in which she is an estate agent trying to sell Kong a cliff house. Let’s hope Fantastic Four 2 can save her career.

66 minutes
Christina Aguilera combines jazz and half naked women. Who could have expected that?

69 minutes
Christina Aguilera gets half naked herself. We all expected that.

71 minutes
The random between Jake and Jessica Simpson has been replaced by a new random. Seat-filler stalking at its best.

78 minutes
MTV confuses me by having Will Ferrell come on pretending to be a NASCAR driver for his new film. Should have guessed they weren’t actual NASCAR drivers - his mate is sponsored by Old Spice.

81 minutes
Steve Carrell of The 40 Year Old Virgin thanks George Foreman for his grill in his speech.

82 minutes
LL Cool J comes on stage to the sound of his own song. Like it says in High Fidelity, that’s like masturbation. According to Alex, he’s also wearing clothes from his own label. Uber masturbation.

89 minutes
Owen Wilson bitches about Brokeback Mountain getting best kiss over him and Vince. Shot of Jake chortling away, obviously thinking “There’s no way in hell they could have won Best Kiss, so it’s pointless putting him on my list next to Trousersnake and Saarsgard”.

94 minutes
MTV spoils the surprise by letting me know that Jim Carrey is getting the Lifetime Rubber-Face award after the break.

95 minutes
Advert for Hogan Knows Best that shows Hulk Hogan eating a monkey. Again, not a euphemism.

100 minutes
Will Ferrell says he’d rather give a Virginity Award to a whore than a Lifetime Achievement Award to Judi Dench. He mocks our Queen, he spits on our Queen, he…what do you mean Judi Dench isn’t the Queen? Then who is?...Elizabeth who?

103 minutes
Jim Carrey says there’s nice looking pussy in the room. Catherine Zeta Jones – the rich, nympho man’s Imogen from Big Brother – thinks he’s talking about her. Boy is she misinformed.

104 minutes
Jim Carrey seems to be channelling Keanu Reeves as he has his surfer hair. And is surrounded by angels…What do you mean Keanu Reeves isn’t dead?

106 minutes
Carrey and some angels perform “The Happy Dance of Genitalia”. And it was good.

109 minutes
Samuel L. Jackson is in a film called Snakes on a Plane. Sounds like Trousersnake, after thinking up Future Sex Love Sound, was giving out advice on what to call projects. Bad advice.

110 minutes
Adrian Brody’s nose fills up the screen, obliterating Naomi Watts. Yeah, I don’t really care anymore either. I haven’t had a cuppa in about 110 minutes. I’m off.

JAKE A HOT BACHELOR? OH I NEVER KNEW!

Well, this is news to me. Apparently Bijou Phillips thinks it's his smile that makes him sexy. Yeah, he has got a great smile but it ain't exactly at the top of my list of reasons to take him home to Momma. Not that I'd let him meet my mother, she's nuts.

Learn more about this revelation HERE. Thanks People magazine - I don't know where I'd be without your insightful, eye-opening lists.

LET'S RESTORE SOME KARMA

Okay, I feel like I'm too harsh on Kirsten Dunst. I can admit that most of my negative feelings towards her is straight up jealousy and I'm also happy to say that when you compare her to the Lindsay Lohans and Paris Hiltons of this world she is very palatable. She also has a smoking body that is almost as good as mine. Jake was obviously very attached to her so she can't have been that bad and I should respect that yadda, yadda, yadda. So in the spirit of good will I'm posting some pictures where she actually looks attractive. I'm sure the Vatican will be on the phone any minute to offer me the Papacy.

(Okay, now this is cute!)

And one where she looks like crap. God, I'm sorry, I tried!

SEXY SECRETS