JAKE WATCH EXCLUSIVE: GYLLENHAAL/MCCONAUGHEY RELATIONSHIP UNVEILED!

Thanks to the crack detective work of our very our Jake Watch Special Ops Team, this blog has uncovered the (most likely) reason why Jake Gyllenhaal and Matthew McConaughey just can't seem to get enough of each other lately. Get your mind out the gutters, recruits! This is strictly business.

If you recall, director Robert Altman is getting his team together for the sadly non-pornographic movie Hands On A Hard Body, about people who stand with their hands on cars for millenia and then win them when everyone else dies of hunger or sun stroke. According to sources more reliable than this blog, Altman wants nothing more than for our own Jake to lend his talent to the project.

More interesting yet is that the 1997 documentary on which this film is to be based was executive produced by none other than the production company of Matthew McConnaughey. The 4th of July parties, the cycling, the chiding of paparrazi from the back seat of the same car...it's clear Matt is indeed wooing Jake...to be in this film! Altman is looking to start filming in September and there's nothing like working the peer pressure angle.

I'd like to thank my anonymous source who is far smarter than I for I never would have made this connection in a million years. And so far, it doesn't look like anyone else has made it either.

EDIT: Due to some confusion in the comments section, I would like to add that my "exclusive" headline was in reference to defining Matt and Jake's involvement in the same project, and not Jake's possible role in Hands On A Hard Body, which was reported here some time ago. Here are a few links which will hopefully clear up a few thing:

On Matt's involvement in the original documentary: http://www.filmvault.com/filmvault/austin/h/handsonahardbody1.html

About the original documentary:
http://www.documentaryfilms.net/Reviews/HandsOnAHardBody/

A short post about Altman's next project:
http://blogs.citypages.com/ctg/2006/06/robert_altmans.asp

The IMDB entry from above; Matt is one of the thank you's at the end:
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0116481/combined

On Altman and his desire to have Jake in this movie:
http://www.nydailynews.com/front/story/428877p-361580c.html

A story that puts Jake and Matt together in another Altman project, a totally different one. Bottom of page.
http://www.hollywood.com/news/detail/id/1721283

BACK AWAY FROM MY MAN!

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What a disgusting display. Britpopbaby is gone for less than 24 hours and look what kind of crap we're having to deal with! Special thanks to both jla and cina for doing their Jake Watch duty and being on top of this most disturbing situation. What have we got? Not one but two non-Jake Watch operatives throwing themselves shamelessly at the Gyllenhaal? Accosting him in his car? Do they have NO SHAME? You, Miss I'm-dressed-to-work-out-in-my-gray-shirt-but-can-still-flash-some- cleavage-for-the-movie-star. Yeah, you. What the hell? I'm fairly certain whatever Jake is saying is not that funny, because I'm fairly certain he's telling you about how he's involved with someone. Me. (Or possibly britpop. Sometimes I'm a little confused about that.) And you should just back off before he presses on that accelerator and leaves you laughing to yourself in the parking lot. And you, Miss I've-got-perfect-blonde-California-hair-but-I-had-to-pay- my-stylist-out-the-ass-for-it. You're as bad as your friend. Stop trying to hide behind your enormous white purse-thingy and BACK. AWAY. FROM. MY. MAN!

Photo from IHJ.

And speaking of disturbing cases of people trying to hone in on what is clearly my territory, Nothing Really Matters and Kate have alerted to me to this travesty against Jake's dignity. Who will kiss Jake next? Here's a hint: Save your money because Prophecy Girl isn't even on the list.

P.S. Damn. You guys are good. Keep up the excellent work, agents!

ATTICUS VS. BOO: IS JAKE SHOWING FAVORITISM?

I was going through some old pictures over at IHJ and came across a disturbing piece of evidence which suggests something I hardly thought possible: Jake Gyllenhaal is not perfect. Scandal! Take a look at this!
Unbelievable! According to a random dog body-language interpretation site I found via Google, Atticus is showing some unmistakable signs of stress! The ears back? The tongue out? Our site tells us that's a dog who is "stressed" likely by a situation of "frustration or fear." The standard explanation for this photo, that Atticus was "tired" from "playing" with Jake was not one of the options the website listed! In fact, the site didn't mention Jake at all.

Is this exhaustion physical or emotional? Only time will tell. But I think we all might want to consider the possibility that Jake is giving most of his attention to the newest member of the family, ignoring those who have been around a little longer.

Possibly most disturbing of all, I have uncovered the dastardly truth that even though I know for a fact that Jake told Atticus he couldn't use the internet until he was older, he has already let younger brother Boo set up his own MySpace page. The inequality here is just shocking.

www.myspace.com/booradleygyllenhaal

(P.S. Inequality aside, you should add Boo to your MySpace friendlist since his profile was created in affiliation with this blog.)

JAKE (WATCH) WANTS YOU!

When Jake found out that I was going to be taking over for britpopbaby for a couple of weeks, he kindly came over to my house, donned an Uncle Sam outfit (complete with wig and beard) and sat still for several hours so I could hand-paint this exciting and completely original promotional poster begging you, the reader for help. What a guy! Also, damn, I should have been in advertising. Maybe I'll sell this idea to the U.S. Army when I'm done with it.

So if YOU, my fellow agents, happen to run across any news, gossip, pictures of Jake running marathons whilst naked, for the next two weeks, the place to be is prophecygirl922@aim.com. I will be humbly indebted and give you credit in the form of shouting your name across the interwebs (i.e. plastering it at the top of the story and maybe, if you're really lucky, I'll put it in bold). Also, I should warn you that while I had hoped this would be a seamless transition, we will have to undergo two major changes while I'm in charge...

1. We're moving to Central Standard Time (the finest of all U.S. time zones).

2. I'm afraid I'll have to ban the unnecessary use of excessive vowels in words such as "color" and "rumor." I've never understood the point of that extra "u."

That is all. Please be gentle to me seeing as how I'm very scared. I'll now go and try to find some real news.

WAIT A MINUTE MR POSTMAN

The gods of airmail have smiled down upon us and delievered the Boo T Shirt just in the nick of time. To prove to you that it is now in my house I have shot it alongside Larry The Disilluionised Lemar of 'Fan Of The Week' and 'World's Shittest Zoo' fame.

I think I've captured the look of sheer joy on Larry's face and don't worry, the radiator wasn't on.

This image was brought to you by oodles of technology.

Edit: Larger Version (I hope you realise I had to unpack the camera for this pic)
It shall soon (early August-ish) be packaged and bound alongside Pop's special shirt and sent via carrier pigeon to a top secret mail station security box somewhere in the Hollywood hills.

PS: I have edited the sidebar slightly ready for the move and makeover and it now includes a special Jake Watch version of Jake's biography (and britpopbaby's too if you care).

SQUEE AS LOUD AS YOU WANT

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Because when all is said and done, it's what we like to do. Baby got back.

I'm not even going to comment on the slightly strange, Richard Simmons-esque lyrca dealy because...oh wait, I just did. Damn.

CAPTION CORELLI'S MANDOLIN (FORMERLY THE RUBRIC RODEO)

Keep them short! Three lines max because I can't focus after that. The wittiest court jester will win this awesome bike so they can keep up with Jake and the rest of the Raleigh Crew (dog not included - fuck it, dog included!):
Winner from last time:

claire said...
"Hey, won't don't you try selling this great magazine? Its called The Big Issue and all the homeless tramps do it in the UK"

Congratulations, you win that postcard Jake sent us from Mars!

JAKE GYLLENHAAL GETS A PREVIEW OF THE FINAL HARRY POTTER BOOK - HARRY POTTER AND HE'S GONNA DIE, OK?

Inspired by my Anneka.

SOME JAKE WATCH NEWS

I got so distracted making that awesome image I've almost forgotten what I was going to say.

Oh, yeah...

First off, I off to Italy for two weeks this Saturday but never fear as Jake Watching will be provided by ProphecyGirl while I'm chewing on parma ham and trying to attract the attention of the locals dishes.

Secondly, official Jake Watch merchandise is almost sorted out but will now have to be finalised when I get back off me jollies. I'm still waiting for permission to use one of the fonts. By going local and then setting up my own shop I've managed to cut the cost so it should work out cheaper than CafePress. Should do, don't quote me.

Thirdly, I'm trying to work out how to set Jake Watch up at it's own domain name because then I can do an all-in-one with the message boards and shop and whatever the hell else is needed. Problem is I'm retarded and can't work out my bandwidth usage but I'm keeping on, mainly with the help of Matt. If anyone else knows anything about this sort of stuff, let me know. Also want to say thanks to Miffed for grabbing that domain name!

Fourthly, I just want to say a huge thank you to everyone who has donated. britpopbaby can now pretend to be Scrooge McDuck, if only she had a vault and a Scottish accent. And a little tail. I was going to put up a list but then I thought peeps might want to remain anonymous but we can discuss it at the message boards.

Fifthly (I spelt that 'filthy' the first time - Freud!), I've added a ton of new affiliates. It's nice to have friends. You should go look at them with your eyes.

Sixthly (is that even a word?), if you're bored you could click on 'Listed At' in the sidebar and vote for Jake Watch in various places. I would really appreciate it because I might win a years supply of canned tuna.

Finally, you'll be glad to hear I feel better now and have managed to eat a boiled egg and two digestive biscuits. I know everyone was so alarmed by my illness yesterday that they were distracted from the new Jake and Natalie pictures and various accompanying conspriacy theories so I thought you might like updates.

SOCK WATCH #5

I'd almost throw in the towel with Sock Watch due to Jake's, dare I say it, quite bloody boring choice of socks (who would have thought?) but then came this picture:

• COLOUR: Nike
• TYPE: Nike
• HEIGHT: Nike
• OVERALL STATUS: K-Fed! Oh no you din't!

Oh yeah, I did!I'm sure there is an explanation around here somewhere.

I DUNNO

And more importantly do I care? No. I'm ill and tired and sunburnt.

Thanks to Perez Hilton for the pics and thanks even more for drawing all over them in a crappy manner - that's the kinda thing I would have done if I didn't need to go collapse on the nearest horizontal surface.

I'M STARTING TO THINK O'BRIEN MAY BE LOCKE FROM LOST

Damn it! Riff Raff is way cooler. Is the the third or fourth time this week that the Raleigh Crew have been out this week. Apparently they went for four and a half hours UP the Malibu Mountains in a 90 degree heat. Am I missing something here? Is that actually any fun at all? Now, coming down the mountain - that might be an experience.

Right, I'm bored of bike pictures now. I'm not posting any more unless it's a shot of Matthew MaCoganaggyninny dismounting face first or Richard O'Brien showing up in fishnets and stillettos. Or Jake showing up in fishnets and stillettos.

Pics from IHJ

CHEW IT OVER

At 25

a man now stand you
on roots no one can claim
as good as you
(pure born god-son
look at you anywhere
across the globe).

At birth you were blue
I witnessed you suck
that first breath in and turn
as white as snow on top
of Everest. Pure. Pure.
Goodness and Mercy.

Jumble of words my only
clue to give to you
for your mountain view

to burn the libraries
and burn us too
(all that’s come
before you.)

Your (my side) grandfather’s
head handed him
on a silver Salome platter (he knew
more than he could hold on to)

and your great grandfather
stumbled and I shamble
and out of the phoenix ash
of my/your ancestral men you flew
out of the John Baptist ash
you flew beyond the pebbles
in the Jordan where we, the men
before you wash our sad, sad feet

but not for naught—the truth
when sung soothes far beyond
all gold.

I remember your grandfather
(not sober) singing, weeping
in my high gliding stone dead
gothic church—

“A voice of one, crying
in the wilderness, prepare ye
the way of the Lord.”

I remember holding you, screaming
with good rage in a Sea Ranch night.
Taking you outside under the moon
and the giant pines—screaming, screaming.
Holding you. I didn’t know what else to do.
Kicking. Screaming with good rage
till you slowly trembled yourself into rest.

Forgive us, Lord, we know
not what we do.

Good rage. Burn us to the ground.
Good rage. So little good seems
to have come of John the Baptist
and what followed. Your grandfather
loved John the Baptist. Wept and sung
his words and went too easily
into their good night
which I won’t do.

All these words and others too
are here for you, may they be true.

Stephen Gyllenhaal

taken from Claptrap: Notes from Hollywood.

www.cantarabooks.com
www.stephengyllenhaal.com

MORE PICS. SEE YA AROUND, BANDWIDTH!

My computer has been throwing tantrums at me lately but could these pics really go unposted? I think not.

Taken from Stephen's reading at Housing Works in New York on the 28th of June.

[Source - view more]

WHAT?

Immature? Moi?

BUT WHERE IS RICHARD O'BRIEN?

Oh, thank god! It's okay people, we found him.
And this is what annoys me about cyclists. Why do you have to get in your big ass O-Zone destroying car to drive to where you want to cycle? Also, when did they change the design of bike helmets to look like part of the Coral Reef is emerging from your skull? Sorry, I don't know why I've arose so bitchy today. I think it has a lot to do with my mother trying to talk to me about tax refunds and why you shouldn't put kiwi on flans when I was trying to read about the 62 year old woman whose just had a baby in the paper. Oh, and I'm hungover.
[Pics from IHJ.com]

EDIT: Watch Video HERE. (Where did this x17 Online pop up from?)

IT COSTS A FORTUNE TO ADVERTISE IN THE NEW YORK TIMES

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MY, THIS IS ALL GETTING A LITTLE SERIOUS AIN'T IT?

I've never been too fond of cycling ever since a Ford Escort kindly helped me dismount from my bike in the middle of a main road. I repaid it's gesture by using the full force of my body to give a lovely crackle effect across it's windscreen.

Jake, on the otherhand, seems to be having no such trouble. No longer content with cycling along side mortals he has moved onto to fellow Hollywood A-listers, Tour de France champs and a mystery bald bloke who I would love to be Richard O'Brien but probably isn't.

I shouldn't think Lance Armstrong knows the meaning of a lesiurely bike ride and Matthew MacConanaggyninny definitely looks the competitive type so I should think Jake had a hardcore work out. I hope the Richard O'Brien-a-like was singing The Time Warp as he tagged along behind.

[Source]

DAKOTA FANNING? WHAT THE HELL?

Thanks to blackhatnbeard for finding this article: Academy Invites 120 to Membership. Jake got in!

Excited as I am by this because surely it means Jake Watch: The Movie will be a shoo in next March, I'm very confused as to the whole Academy set up. I thought you had to win an Award to get in? Obviously not. And not to take the gleaming tint off Jake's fabulous news but they blatantly seem to let in anyone whose ever been within three feet of a film set - Amy Adams? And who in sam hill is Barry Pepper?

Anyways, good luck with it Jake. Do they have robes like The Stonecutters? A special number through to the emergency services?

HOW LONG HAS IT BEEN?

Since we've seen half nekked Jake? Too long, that's how long!

I've just realised we've got it all wrong. We're sending him clothes. What's the matter with us? We should be stealing his clothes!

UPDATE: Okay, how spooky is that?! Jake out riding yesterday:

Hmmm. Let's try something else. When was the last time Jake sent me a million dollars? Never, that's when!

[Sources: Just Jared and IHJ.com]