I FORGOT ABOUT THIS!

Back when Jake Watch was in it's baby days I submitted it for review at Bloggy Award in the hope of getting some advice and some traffic. Well, they finally reviewed it two and half months later, the notes in brackets are by me:

Jake Watch

I imagine silly girls drooling reminiscent of The Beatles when I think of Mr Jake Gyllenhaal. That is what this blog is about, going after everything Jake Gyllenhaal. The self-confessed electronic stalker author of this blog is seemingly a very witty and brilliant girl.
(We're not silly girls - we're silly people but thanks for calling me a girl, makes me feel younger)

Visual Aesthetics – 8
The custom-made title banner is very original and so is the blue, black, white and gray color combination used in the blog. The font used compliments the theme of the title banner. The blog’s writer really got it right when she put all of these together. Dreamily thinking of Jake while she was doing it, I’m sure…..
(I think they must have reviewed it when it had the temporary type writer theme up not the awesome Bond theme and I wasn't dreaming of Jake as I did it, I was swearing at the computer)

User Friendliness – 8
The blog is tightly made as categories are alphabetically listed on the right side and below that are some links and a few accolades for her works. You can move around the site quite effortlessly, as it is meticulously arranged.

Reading Enjoyment – 8
Any Jake Gyllenhaal fan will be delighted with this blog. The author has an uncanny ability to use humor together with pictures and quotes to keep even a non-fan reading and laughing.

Useful Info – 8
Jake fans will get a mouthful as the blog’s comprehensive information about their favorite Hollywood star abounds. Jake’s movements are being “monitored” here, so if you’re in to that kind of thing, you’ve just struck gold with this blog.

Overall Experience – 8
This is a well-organized and neatly made blog. The combination of up-to-date content and good pictures really make this a good sample of a “fan blog”. The reliable info on Jake found here would be reason enough for any of his fans to keep this in their bookmarks folder. For the rest of us, perhaps slightly too obsessive for comfort.

Thanks for the good times, Mr Bloggy Award. I think we're all self-aware of our obsessiveness so it's safer if we're among kindreds.

BACK AWAY FROM MY MAN

Holy Mother of Moses! How did this get past us? I'll give 'em credit - they're two of the more foxy bitches that have tried to get near the Gyllenhaal but dear god, they are scary! The one in green looks about ready to launch herself at him. Jake, bless his cotton ankle socks, looks like a rabbit caught in the headlights and like most of us when confronted by utter psychos is nervously laughing along, hoping for the best. I presume he managed to escape but if he didn't at least he got mauled by women with smoking bodies and glorious hair. God, maybe that's why they had metal handbags - to concuss him?

EVEN CASUALER JAKE

And there was me thinking I was the only stupid enough to work out in the boiling June heat.
I'm not sure who Jake is with here but I'm guessing he is semi-famous because there was pics of him on his own. I know, how dare a paparazzi lense drift away from Jake for even a millisecond to concenrate on other celebrities we can't even identify? Anyway, it ain't Austin because he is taller...and less gansta. Nice matching blue outfit, Jake.

CASUAL JAKE

Donning what can only be described as an 'interesting' shirt, Jake buys some food. Fascinating. Everything this man does is pure magic. I'm so glad the paps haven't yet (it's bound to happen soon) snapped me leaving my local supermarché (that's your actual French) because I like to wear pyjamas to shop and backcomb my hair on purpose, y'know to blend in with the plebs. Jake on the other hand doesn't seem willing to ditch his movie star coolness or maybe he's unable too. Well, I hope you enjoyed your groceries, Jake, although that's not a lot of food you got yourself there, matey.


(pictures from iheartjake)

STALKING BY PROFESSIONALS

This, ladies, gentlemen and canines is how it is supposed to be done! Three cheers for these resourceful ladies. The one on the left is so focused she even forgot to smile for the camera. Brilliant. I want to see less mosing behind Jake under the pretence of exercising, less infiltrating Oscar ceremonies posing as award statues, less shameless attempts of grabbing attention using pathetic props and more blurry shots obscured by crutches in badly lit restaurants! Bravo.

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JAKE SUPPORTS ENGLAND

Jake Watch can exclusively reveal that Hollywood actor and Puggle activist Jake Gyllenhaal has contraversially abandoned his home nation to support England in this year's FIFA World Cup tournament. A source close to the star said, "Jake thinks that the USA can only go so far in this competition and has abandoned the ship before it has even started to sink. Everyone is shocked by his decision". Gyllenhaal's friends and family are reported to be standing by him through this difficult period but people around them say they are not entirely happy. "Stephen and Naomi thought they knew Jake, they thought they'd raised him better than this. I'm not sure how long they can keep up this show," said a friend close to the family. There has been no offical word from Gyllenhaal's people but sources say that Jake himself was overheard saying, "britpop would fucking kill me if I supported another team plus David Beckham is like, my hero."

BEHIND THE SCENES

(pics from IHJ, words from my brain)

WHY DON'T WE STEP UP OUR WEIRDNESS?

I feel we've been far too sane of late what with the normality of turning ourselves into Bond characters.

So, folks are getting excited about the Coming Soon Gyllenhaal aka Maggie and Sarsy's baby and I got all excited about the prospect of making tables so I've combined these two major events to bring you: Gyllenhaal Junior Sweepstakes.

The basic idea is everyone picks ONE name from the tables below and when the babs arrives (we think around October) the closet name wins! Who knows, maybe someone will be bang on the money? The successful punter will probably win a JakeWatch t-shirt (because I swear they will available soon!) or some similar paraphernalia. As you can see, I have already nabbed the name Susie.

All you have to do is write your chosen name in the comments section and PLEASE no anons on this one, leave some kinda bleedin' name! Any anons will get deleted. Only ONE name each. britpopbaby's word is final. Speak to my lawyer (Joyce Davenport) if you have a problem with that.

(click to enlarge)

NB - Before anyone asks, I didn't put 'Jake' as an option because they are so not calling the baby that!

OFF TOPIC: Regarding Blogger problems!
Blogger was down A LOT yesterday but from what I understand they are upgrading the system. It's very frustrating, I know and I've considering moving to other services but bottom line is Blogger is the best blog hosting site around and it's been good to us so let's support it through this difficult time. Everyone needs a little love.

LISTEN UP, POETRY FANS!

There will be a full reading of Stephen Gyllenhaal's poem, 'Canon' (which is Jake related) by his editor Michael this Saturday (10th) in New York. If you show up you can collect a Claptrap: Notes from Hollywood postcard that you can get signed at the June 28th reading.

More details:
Lit Mag Marathon
Saturday, June 10, 4-6:30pm
DeWitt Wallace Periodical Room
New York Public Library
5th Avenue at 42nd Street
(the one with the stone lions--you know, the library where Jake had to hole up in The Day After Tomorrow).

P.S - Whilst we're on the subject - Pops, if you're reading this can you please attend that June 28th reading dressed as a frogman or Scaramanga or something so that you fit in with our new theme? I'm sure it wouldn't be too much hassle. Thanks.

WE LOVE US SOME MAGGIE

We've not had any Jake pictures for what? Five days? Looks like he is officially avoiding us after our big row. Let's enjoy some blooming Maggie pictures instead - I knew she'd be on our side.

LOOK! BRITPOPBABY REMEMBERED WHERE SHE PUT ALL THOSE JAKE SECRETS. REJOICE!

You can still send in your Jake Secrets so get creative! All the info is in the sidebar under 'Projects'.

THE SECRET LIFE OF JAKE & MAGGIE

QUOTE OF THE WEEK

"If you're trained to kill and you don't get to go and kill other people, then you end up trying to kill each other. That's the thing. When you leave 12 guys in the middle of the desert there, they're bound to do something odd."
Jake Gyllenhaal, it's cool to go crazy if you're in character.

Something odd? The mind boggles. Does it involve a keg of beer and a modified Santa hat? That wasn't originally part of the film, was it, Jake? Sam just walked in on you and Sarsy playing Truth or Dare, didn't he? Damn! He coulda waited 'til you got to naked Twister!

OUR FIRST FIGHT. IT WAS BOUND TO HAPPEN SOONER OR LATER

Pics removed.

Jake, there are some things I can cope with - the incessant gay rumours, the Wolverine look, the long distance one-sided nature of our relationship and even the clogs but I will NOT tolerate you going behind my back and coping a look AND a feel of Eva Mendes! Do you understand me, Jake? I'm going to let this one slide for now because I understand you were excited about your win and because I love you but if I EVER catch you sneaking a look at another woman's chest again I'm turning this blog into 'Russell Brand Watch' - at least he comes round to entertain me every Tuesday to Friday. Sort of. I will not be your doormat, Jake. I just won't! Now, if you'll excuse me I must go and collaspe in the drawing room and then hurl whiskey tumblers at the maid.

FUNNY OR NOT SO FUNNY?

I'm always tickled by THIS MySpace profile because a) A lot of people actually seem to think it's Jake and b) Whoever runs it doesn't seem like they're going to cease playing along. Is it funny or is it wrong?

CELEBRITIES WE'RE NOT CONCERNED WITH GETTING TOO CLOSE TO THE ONE WE ARE CONCERNED WITH

Now look, stalkers, with all the trouble Louella caused yesterday we took our eye off the ball for a moment and see what happened! People were touching Jake and not people we have officially approved (Pops, Naomi, Maggie, Sarsy, Heath, britpopbaby). Seems everybody is in love with the Gyllenhaal and whilst I commend Jake for attracting such adoration the fondling must stop! Please see the evidence below (you may need to shield your eyes from some pictures):

Pics removed. Soz.

Perpetrator Number One: Kate "Remember when I used to be English?" Beckinsale. How did she even get in the building?

Perpetrator Number Two: Eva "Earlobes" Mendes. I'm not comfortable with the amount of loving that went on in these seconds. I'm just going to repeat over and over to myself that they're old friends and are not sexually attracted to each other in any way.

Perpetrator Number Three: Adam "Da Waterboy" Sandler. I'm letting this pass this time, Sandler, but if I see such firm man-hugging again from you, it'd better be the longest yard away from Jake.

Perpetrator Number Four: Kevin "No Way Near As Sexy As Michael Rosenbaum" Spacey. I went off you when you chortled along with Tony Blair's jokes on Parkison and you're doing yourself no favours here if you're trying to get back into my good books.

Perpetrator Number Five: Justin "Just No" Timberlake. Who decided the Timberman was an attractive human being and where was I when this decision was being made because I would have voted against the motion. Don't pass your Britney germs onto Jake, please.

DAMN YOU GREENWICH MEAN TIME, DAMN YOU! AKA JAKE WINS A SHIT LOAD OF AWARDS AND BRITPOPBABY MISSES IT ALL

Pics removed.

Points britpopbaby would like to make:

1. He looks like the hottest little horndog EVER
2. Justin Timberlake really is quite the fug
3. Eva Mendes better have stopped touching him by now and vice versa
4. Those Popcorn Awards are really ugly - I hope Jake hides them in a cupboard
5. Is that a packet of Starburst under Jake's chair in the 2nd picture?
6. britpopbaby is disturbed to learn that the MTV Movies Awards will only be shown on MTV UK and not any terrestrial channels - maybe Anneka will record it for her
7. britpopbaby is very happy Jake won because he earnt it and all those other suckers didn't - except maybe Vince Vaughn.
8. britpopbaby likes referring to herself in the third person

(pics from IHJ)

VIDEO of Jake's acceptance speech HERE. Struggling with love, eh? Look, Jake, you're the one whose making it hard for us all. Just draw up the rota and the lovin' will be easy!
Thanks to kokodee for the link.

TIME TO DON OUR MYSTIC TURBANS

These were taken yesterday (2nd June) but Jake is due to appear at the MTV Movie Awards filmed today (3rd June), or is he? Does Jake have time to jump on a plane and hot foot it to L.A? What do we predict? Developing...(although I'll probably be out when the answers come through - damn you time differences and damn you cheap cocktail offers at Liquid!).

AN ALARMING DISCOVERY

Jake Watch has aquired a new contact within the US Postal service. We know this man only by the codename Otto Thilye. As an avid fan of the blog Otto has intercepted for us a large number of letters that were destined for Jake. This correspondence is from one Louella Medina Oberman from Austin, Texas who is the self-proclaimed numero uno Jake fan. The contents of these letters are at the very least unsettling so Otto and myself have decided to destroy them, using fire-retardent gloves and safety goggles, in order to protect Jake from this tragically insane hippo-woman. I only post extracts here now to expose the kind of danger Jake could find himself in if we were to cease watching him, er, I mean watching out for him. It is our vigilante efforts alone that maintain Jake's well-being and safety. Thank you.

Letters from Louella - Part I
-----
Louella Medina Oberman
Trailer 17
Cactus Rose Mobile Home Park
Austin, TX

Dearest Jake, captor of my soul
I've been having the most unusual urges of late and feel I should commit my emotions to this delightful lavender scented note paper before they explode out of me in uncontrollable love puddles.
My name is Louella and I reside in the humble Cactus Rose Trailer Park, Austin, Texas. Last week my brother, Bronson, who is also my uncle, lent me his pirated copy of 'Jarhead'. I love seein' foreigners gettin' blown up so I was real eager to watch your film but then Bronson told me it was more about the personal psychological war marines endure rather than your actual conflict. I thought, "Fuck that!", I wanna see me some action but I reluctantly poked the disc into the slot anyways and then pressed 'Play' with my special prodding stick. Boy, soldier, did I see me some action! Who is this prime West Coast raised cut of steak I got jiggling his ass on my screen?, I asked myself. It was adualtion at first sight, baby, and now I can't stop hankering after you, my little horndog.
Just let me know when you're ready for some lovin' from a real curvaceous woman that'll make your magic wand scream, "Abracadabra!", instead of that scrawny polecat Mary Jane Watson.

Love always, your Southern belle,
Louella X

P.S Please find enclosed a picture of me in my lighter days, wearing my favorite summer slip. You can take it to the bathroom with you if you want, my little horndog.
XXX

------------
Absolutely shocking. Jake, don't worry, we here at Jake Watch are on a consant state of suspicious alert.

(Another note: Louella ain't real!)